Disasterpiece Theater
Glomping Yamato
since…um…eighth grade maybe?!
Yes, once again, we're live from the Agianna apartment, home of one anime-crazed nearly sixteen-year-old teenage girl…that's me! Anyway, among Lia's usual collection of anime goodies we are now adding a few new treats!
"Hey everybody! Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater! I'm your host, Lia. I've been on an anime spree this week, so I'm all hyped up. I have my very own copy of Princess Mononoke now and I love it! Unfortunately, I lent that to Nicki. But it's cool, cuz she let me borrow a Dragonball Z tape of hers, and my pal Annie loaned out a few dubbed tapes of Magic Knight Rayearth, to go with the manga I bought of it. I now have a sick obsession for Mage Clef."
Matt stands by the camera, glowering as only he can do. "Hmph. I'm supposed to be the one she fawns over, not that midget."
Lia grins. "But of course, Matt's still my number one bishy! Okay, let's see…we need a character…um…ah! Today's victim is…Wizardmon?! Oh, fabulous. Wizardmon. Of all the characters I had to pull Wizardmon."
~*~
A large roll of masking tape and a pair of kitchen scissors were MIA in the Agianna house. Lia blamed her sisters, her sisters blamed Lia, and her parents were just plain miffed. Of course, it didn't take long to figure out who the culprit was. Lia had gone into her closet to hang up her new fall wardrobe (mm, sweater-ish things) and found Wizardmon with said office supplies, posting pictures on the closet wall. Such pictures consisted of Clef, Chichiri of Fushigi Yuugi, Clow Reed, a few others unnamable at this time, and most importantly, Harry Potter.
"Wizardmon, what are you doing?"
He quickly hid the scissors behind his back. "Um, nothing, really. Just hanging a few posters. You know, of my idols. Like those ridiculous web site shrines you go to daily."
The dark-haired girl examined the posters…well, more like squinted at them. My closet is too freaking dark.
"Mage Clef, Chichiri, Clow Reed, some other guys, and Harry Potter."
Wizardmon scowled. "Well, you won't let me go to Hogwarts!"
"You're a digimon, they're real wizards. Don't you think there might be a little problem? Don't let my mom catch you sticking those up. I have to go unload the dishwasher."
I will get to Hogwarts, you'll see…foolish mortal
child.
~*~
That night, the first cool one in a week (which meant my sisters didn't have to sleep in my room cuz I have the AC), Wizardmon pulled out his secret stash of spell-casting equipment and proceeded to draw pentagrams and other such runes on the wall.
"Heheh, Hogwarts, here I come!"
And in a flash of light, the vertically challenged sorcerer transported himself to the English countryside, where the acclaimed school for wizardry was located.
~*~
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Hogwarts campus, Harry Potter…
You knew he was going to show up, right?
Matt, get out of my fanfic. And quit moping because I
have a Clef obsession.
…was doing his usual Quidditch practice, with Ron and Hermione watching. The Weasley twins, Fred and George, were also practicing…practicing hitting anything that came in sight with their Bludgers. Pig, Ron's minute owl, whizzed around the goal posts, hooting with excitement. It was just then that an oddly dressed wizard fell onto the field.
"Blimey, whuzzat?" Ron questioned. Harry expertly descended, executing a perfect three-point-landing.
"Hallo, are you quite all right?" he asked, poking Wizardmon with the end of his broomstick.
"Damn reentry. I'm going to have to get that fixed one of these days. Ugh. Where am I?"
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm Harry Potter!"
Wizardmon's eyes bugged out of his head. "H-h-Harry Potter?"
"I guess you've heard of me. Funny, I've never seen you here before. Are you new?"
"Sort of. Actually, I'm a digital monster from a Japanese animated kids' show who's escaped from the annoying teenage girl I'm supposed to be guardian to in hopes that I could train here for a little while and improve my magical skills."
"What did he just say?" Ron asked as he and Hermione came onto the field.
"He's one of those bloody p***mon things," Hermione stated.
"Eh? I think not! I am one hundred percent digimon!"
Fred nudged George, who both also came down, hoping to get in the good graces of this new student, who would probably be useful in their mischievous escapades.
"Say, isn't that the show Ginny keeps talking about?"
"Yeah, she's got a thing for that blonde with the bloody lizard-dog."
Wizardmon groaned. "Must everyone have a crush on that damn boy?"
Harry sighed. "Well, you better go see Professor Dumbledore before you go anywhere, make sure it's okay for you to be here."
Hedwig the owl glided down to Harry, a letter strapped to her ankle. "All right, post from Sirius!"
~*~
After much whining and bargaining, Wizardmon was allowed to stay for one day of classes. However, in doing so this would rip the space-time continuum open and allow characters from anywhere else to barge in at any given time.
"What do you have first…um, never quite got your name," Hermione said, walking, talking, chewing gum and reading a book at the same time.
Let's see Nicki do that.
Be nice! And quit interrupting!
Wizardmon examined the slip of paper he was given. "Care of Magical Creatures."
Ron sighed. "So do we…with Slytherin House again."
At the mere mention of the word, Draco Malfoy, Harry's longtime rival, appeared.
"Hallo, who's this? Another pathetic excuse of a Mudblood come to join you band of worthless wannabe wizards, Harry?"
Wizardmon narrowed his eyes. "Listen, you miserable little mortal, I have come all the way from an alternate universe and Japan, and I probably have more magic in a single strand of hair than you do entirely, so shut your cake hole or I'll break you in less time than it took me to defeat a squadron of Norwegian Ridgebacks, without my staff!"
"You fought a squadron of Norwegian Ridgebacks without a staff?" Harry whispered.
"More or less. Where I'm from, they're called Airdramon."
Malfoy sniffed in distain, leaving. Wizardmon made sure to magically tie his shoelaces, sending the pale boy sprawling across the hallway in front of the other students.
"Nicely done, now let's get out of here before Professor McGonagall comes!" Ron hissed.
~*~
Out where groundskeeper Hagrid usually taught his class, the students were fascinated to learn that that was not who would be instructing them today.
"Hello, students. Hagrid's come down with the flu, so I will be instructing you. I am Master Mage Clef."
Malfoy exchanged glances with his goon squad, Crabbe and Goyle.
"He's pathetically short, isn't he?"
"Don't look a day over ten."
"What's a midget like that teaching."
Wizardmon was ecstatic. Ever since Lia got hooked on Magic Knight Rayearth he had taken a sudden fascination with Clef.
"Silence, impudent fools! You should be lucky that I am here! I should be helping Hikaru, Umi, and Fuu become the Magic Knights of Cephiro, not teaching a bunch of snot-nosed brats…hey, you, standing next to the Potter boy. Get over here."
Wizardmon sighed and headed over to where the diminutive mage stood, with his own formidable staff in hand.
"You're from an anime show, aren't you? From your poorly drawn quality, I'd guess Digimon."
"Correct. Hey, it isn't my fault our animators suck half the time!"
"He's anime?!" a random student questioned.
"Anime is either P***mon or porn!" someone else added.
"Silence!" Clef hollered. "Kids today, no respect."
~*~
After a few more classes, one run by Chichiri, another by Clow Reed, Wizardmon was convinced that he'd much rather stay at Hogwarts than go back to Japan.
"Blimey, there must've been a teacher strike! All the teachers are from anime shows!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Is that a problem?" Wizardmon asked.
As they were passing by the Great Hall, on their way back to Gryffindor Tower, our wizard friend got himself a rather large shock.
"Hello, Wizardmon. Thought you could sneak out without me knowing. Well, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to trick me."
"Lia?! But how?"
"I'm the author, I know what you're doing before you even do it."
"Rats. Well, all I have left to say is catch me if you can!" and with that, Wizardmon took off, flying down the hallways.
Ron, Harry, and Hermione exchanged glances as Lia took off after him.
"Are you following any of this?"
"Nope."
"Maybe we should just go on and pretend none of this happened."
"Right. This is giving me a bloody headache."
~*~
Wizardmon tried using every trick in the book to dodge his human partner, trying to get her lost through the confusing halls of Hogwarts, attempting to distract her, throwing potions and charms her way. But of course, she managed to avoid any problems. That is, until Wizardmon crashed through the door to the teacher's lounge.
Lia burst in after him, tripping over a footstool, sliding across the coffee table and tumbling off, only to land under the water cooler.
"That looked like it hurt, no da."
"I knew I should have invented a First Aid Card."
"Well, we know she'll never have the grace of the Magic Knights."
Lia blinked. "Okay, what are you guys doing here? This isn't even anime. This is a book."
"Warp in the space-time continuum," Clef noted.
"Can't figure out how to get back, either, no da," Chichiri added.
Wizardmon was hiding in a nearby wardrobe, hoping he'd go unnoticed.
"You've really done it this time, Wizardmon. I can't even begin to think of what Gennai and the Digital Gods do to you when they find out you've messed this much up."
"Go away, Lia. I don't need you lecturing me. Besides, you're the one who broke the printer!"
"Apples and oranges, my dear. Now, come out of the closet, get these guys back where they belong, and let's go."
"Fine."
~*~
Several days later, after everything calmed down, Wizardmon received his punishment from the high muckety-mucks of the Digital World.
"What'd they say?" Lia questioned, scrambling a couple eggs while she got ready for work (darn camp…it's my last week).
Wizardmon whimpered. "I have to spend a month as Patamon's chipper sidekick in Batpig Land. It's not fair."
Maybe I can cast a spell to stop time here and go back to Hogwarts. Or maybe I can turn her into a goldfish and put her in that pond outside, shut her up for a while.
"And no plotting my demise, you. Now I believe I can see the Batpig Signal going off…don't you have to get going?"
Wizardmon grumbled profanities under his breath. "I should've stayed dead."
~*~
"There you go, another weekend of pitiful idiotic-ness at Disasterpiece Theater. I apologize to anyone who's very Harry Potter clueless, and those who know what I'm talking about, brownie points for you. Join me again next week with another trip to stupidity. Now I've got to unload the dishwasher for real and get back to Rayearth. *sniffle* I can't believe they killed off Presea! I liked her! And poor Clef!"
Matt sighs again. "It's going to be a long two weeks while she has those tapes."
~*~
You know the
drill.
You know, Izzy
and my mom are evil in that show.
Your mom has
always been evil.
But not as bad
as my father.