Lord Vetinari, Meet George Dubya
Chapter, the Fourth
George's Chapter
By: Twist
A/n: I'm very sorry about the delay. I was having terrible writers' block and then . . . finals. In fact, it's not even the real finals; I start them on Monday. And I still have no idea what to do with his Lordship. There is a place where it's all gonna end up . . . but I dunno how I'm going to get there. Lol. So, to keep myself from writing "Ankh-Morpork: A Musical" (I actually have two song written for that and am writing the third {all right, song filks, let's not get picky}) which I have been absolutely itching to write, I hauled my lazy butt over to my computer and decided to write a chapter about our beloved president. Anyway, moving swiftly onwards, here you go.
***
George Bush sat. In a rather boring and confused way, as well. He had been confronted with a chunk of information that he could not handle and while his mental computers were trying their best to process it, they weren't up to the task. He blinked, several times, very rapidly (c'mon, I know y'all have seen him do that on TV), and looked at Dick Cheney in a puzzled way. "What?" he asked, obviously confused by the former vice- presidents last remark.
"I said George that it looks like there is no Congress. It seems you have to do everything yourself. All that paperwork," Cheney said as he waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the mounds of paperwork on Vetinari's desk.
George gave the papers a despairing look. "Dick, what do you want me to do? This is too much of a change. I don't even have my computer. At least I should be able to type."
"Sorry, George."
"Dick, could you help me with this all? It's a mess. And I'm confused." George gave the air a sniff. "What's that smell?"
Enter Wuffles. The former Patrician's dog hobbled in arthritically. He gave George a puzzled look, and walked over to him. While a well-trained and neutered dog will sniff the shoe, Wuffles thrust his crusted and diseased nose into George's groin. After being shoved away, Wuffles began frantically humping George's leg.*
"Dick, help me! I'm being raped!"
Enter Drumknott. The poor, poor clerk witnessed a scene of horror. A horny elderly terrier, the dog's master having a panic attack and the Patrician's friend clutching his chest very suddenly and beginning to wheeze. Needless to say, he took one look at the terribly vision and left with the speed of the Gods.
"Dick!" George exclaimed, jumping to his feet and beginning to attempt CPR on the former vice-president. "Damn that girl, look what she's done!" He yelled as he thumped Dick's chest. "Live, please live!"
***
Vetinari looked blankly at the girl in front of him. It was, according to all sources, his offspring. Though, deep inside, he was hoping to every god that had ever existed on this planet, that this was not true. He would not have fathered an airhead.
"Daddy!" the spawn exclaimed, flinging out her arms and stepping forward, swerving, and collapsing into a chair as well as hysterical fits of giggles. The symptoms were immediately recognized as drunkenness.
"Are . . . Are you drunk?" He asked, a bit unsure of what to say. It was very rare indeed that Havelock Vetinari found it difficult to speak to anyone, but members of the female species tended to be very different from the male gender. And how to deal with a drunken female was a whole different thing entirely. He'd had enough trouble with a hormone-crazed Sybil Ramkin late in her pregnancy, and he hadn't even started with sarcasm. Eventually he'd been forced to run away.
"No! Not at all!" She said, waving her hands in horror. "I'm high! It was an accident! I really didn't mean to do too much ecstasy! It was so good though . . ."**
Lord Vetinari's mind scrambled for a moment. There was no ecstasy on the Discworld, and Roundworld drugs were not a subject he was well versed in. So he opted for the generic disciplinary method that Vimes always resorted to. "It was wrong what you did," he said gravely.
She burst into tears. "Don't kill me!"
"Er, I wasn't going to," Vetinari said, suddenly very nervous. "Just don't do it again. Or go talk to your mother," he said, suddenly more confident," she'll know what to do! Er, yes, go speak to your mother." He glanced at 'his' daughter once more. "Preferably not in public."
"Thank you, daddy," she sniffed. "You're always so nice." She crossed the room to Vetinari and, to his discomfort, gave him a hug. Then she left, waving at the oranges that only she could see.
***
*I've always pictured Wuffles being horny as hell. But then again, I don't like Wuffles. You can ignore his largely inappropriate behavior for the remainder of the fic. Whatever.
**Has anyone else seen that episode of "That's My Bush" where George overdoses on ecstasy? That was the funniest damn episode ever.
~*~
Yes, yes, I know it's short. I'm very sorry. I know it's bad. I'm also very sorry. This was just an unimportant chapter to help me get writing again. The next chapter though, that'll be juicy. Tune in next time for: "Havelock (Joe) and Laura get intimate! And does Dick die? Gimme the reviews and we'll find out. Now, to go watch Aladdin . . . There's a song in there I want to use . . .
Chapter, the Fourth
George's Chapter
By: Twist
A/n: I'm very sorry about the delay. I was having terrible writers' block and then . . . finals. In fact, it's not even the real finals; I start them on Monday. And I still have no idea what to do with his Lordship. There is a place where it's all gonna end up . . . but I dunno how I'm going to get there. Lol. So, to keep myself from writing "Ankh-Morpork: A Musical" (I actually have two song written for that and am writing the third {all right, song filks, let's not get picky}) which I have been absolutely itching to write, I hauled my lazy butt over to my computer and decided to write a chapter about our beloved president. Anyway, moving swiftly onwards, here you go.
***
George Bush sat. In a rather boring and confused way, as well. He had been confronted with a chunk of information that he could not handle and while his mental computers were trying their best to process it, they weren't up to the task. He blinked, several times, very rapidly (c'mon, I know y'all have seen him do that on TV), and looked at Dick Cheney in a puzzled way. "What?" he asked, obviously confused by the former vice- presidents last remark.
"I said George that it looks like there is no Congress. It seems you have to do everything yourself. All that paperwork," Cheney said as he waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the mounds of paperwork on Vetinari's desk.
George gave the papers a despairing look. "Dick, what do you want me to do? This is too much of a change. I don't even have my computer. At least I should be able to type."
"Sorry, George."
"Dick, could you help me with this all? It's a mess. And I'm confused." George gave the air a sniff. "What's that smell?"
Enter Wuffles. The former Patrician's dog hobbled in arthritically. He gave George a puzzled look, and walked over to him. While a well-trained and neutered dog will sniff the shoe, Wuffles thrust his crusted and diseased nose into George's groin. After being shoved away, Wuffles began frantically humping George's leg.*
"Dick, help me! I'm being raped!"
Enter Drumknott. The poor, poor clerk witnessed a scene of horror. A horny elderly terrier, the dog's master having a panic attack and the Patrician's friend clutching his chest very suddenly and beginning to wheeze. Needless to say, he took one look at the terribly vision and left with the speed of the Gods.
"Dick!" George exclaimed, jumping to his feet and beginning to attempt CPR on the former vice-president. "Damn that girl, look what she's done!" He yelled as he thumped Dick's chest. "Live, please live!"
***
Vetinari looked blankly at the girl in front of him. It was, according to all sources, his offspring. Though, deep inside, he was hoping to every god that had ever existed on this planet, that this was not true. He would not have fathered an airhead.
"Daddy!" the spawn exclaimed, flinging out her arms and stepping forward, swerving, and collapsing into a chair as well as hysterical fits of giggles. The symptoms were immediately recognized as drunkenness.
"Are . . . Are you drunk?" He asked, a bit unsure of what to say. It was very rare indeed that Havelock Vetinari found it difficult to speak to anyone, but members of the female species tended to be very different from the male gender. And how to deal with a drunken female was a whole different thing entirely. He'd had enough trouble with a hormone-crazed Sybil Ramkin late in her pregnancy, and he hadn't even started with sarcasm. Eventually he'd been forced to run away.
"No! Not at all!" She said, waving her hands in horror. "I'm high! It was an accident! I really didn't mean to do too much ecstasy! It was so good though . . ."**
Lord Vetinari's mind scrambled for a moment. There was no ecstasy on the Discworld, and Roundworld drugs were not a subject he was well versed in. So he opted for the generic disciplinary method that Vimes always resorted to. "It was wrong what you did," he said gravely.
She burst into tears. "Don't kill me!"
"Er, I wasn't going to," Vetinari said, suddenly very nervous. "Just don't do it again. Or go talk to your mother," he said, suddenly more confident," she'll know what to do! Er, yes, go speak to your mother." He glanced at 'his' daughter once more. "Preferably not in public."
"Thank you, daddy," she sniffed. "You're always so nice." She crossed the room to Vetinari and, to his discomfort, gave him a hug. Then she left, waving at the oranges that only she could see.
***
*I've always pictured Wuffles being horny as hell. But then again, I don't like Wuffles. You can ignore his largely inappropriate behavior for the remainder of the fic. Whatever.
**Has anyone else seen that episode of "That's My Bush" where George overdoses on ecstasy? That was the funniest damn episode ever.
~*~
Yes, yes, I know it's short. I'm very sorry. I know it's bad. I'm also very sorry. This was just an unimportant chapter to help me get writing again. The next chapter though, that'll be juicy. Tune in next time for: "Havelock (Joe) and Laura get intimate! And does Dick die? Gimme the reviews and we'll find out. Now, to go watch Aladdin . . . There's a song in there I want to use . . .