Lord Vetinari, Meet George Dubya
Chapter, The Seventh
The Final Writings
By: Twist
A/n: Last chapter for you! Read on!
Disclaimer: Do I really have to do this? Alright. Terry Pratchett and his lawyers take heed! I own nothing! Take it all! I don't even own my president! Take it! I am but a tiny American, please don't sue me!
***
The sun rose over the Washington D.C. horizon. Distantly, there can be heard the strains of the beginning of the song 'The Circle of Life' from the Lion King. In the White House, everyone was asleep. So that's not very interesting. We'll fast-forward to several hours later.
It was nine thirty in the White House, and the West Wing was full of action and mini soap operas. However, down in the basement is where our two favorite characters can be found.
"Sir? What are you doing?" Carrot approached Vetinari, or someone that looked like him, from behind. There was no response. "Sir?" The pictures on the screen ceased to move and the screen flashed the word 'paused.' Vetinari turned around.
"Yes?" he asked. Vetinari had seemed to be hard at work as of late making himself look as completely ridiculous as possible. He was wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and jeans, along with the ever popular Nike sneakers. And sunglasses. And he had shaved his beard off and bleached his hair at the tips . . . And we'll stop there. No, none of that is true. Well, it is true about the orange shirt and blue jeans and Nikes but that's it. Sorry.
"Sir, why are you wearing that? Don't you have to address the Union in about an hour?"
"No, I called Twist. We leave in like, fifteen minutes. Now shut up, I need five hundred more dollars to get Apu."
"Sir, what is wrong with you?"
"I have discovered Nintendo Game Cube and, subsequently, the Simpsons. Now shut up."
"What game are you playing?"
"The Simpsons Road Rage."
"Alright then. So I don't have to wear a suit? Do you think I should change back into my Watch uniform?" Carrot looked unsure, while Vetinari just looked like he was concentrating on destroying as many things as possible. His tongue was sticking out of his mouth.
"She took it from you, didn't she? I couldn't find my clothes anywhere, and I checked everywhere, including Lincoln's bedroom." Vetinari sighed as the screen started to flash game over. "Remind me not to play with Willie again, alright?"
"Yes, sir. What do you mean you checked in Lincoln's bedroom? I thought that was a restricted area." Carrot watched as Vetinari selected Grandpa instead.
"Oh, yeah, after the séance last night. I felt the urge to get in touch with the spirits from beyond." Vetinari turned around while Mr. Burns appeared on the screen. Carrot stared as the little Mr. Burns video played.
"He reminds me of you in a very frightening way," Carrot said. Then he seemed to realize what Vetinari had just said. "What do you mean you did a séance in Lincoln's bedroom? That's rather rude, isn't it?"
"Oh, I scraped the candle wax off of the floor when I was done. I just wanted to see what he thought about the current status of the nation." Vetinari crashed into a light pole.
"And he said?" Carrot asked. "I'm sure it was very interesting."
"The man's boring as hell," Vetinari replied. "I asked him about Osama and he went off on something about four scores in a football game seven years ago."
"I don't think that's what he meant, sir."
"Oh well, that's his problem." No sooner had he said that had the two of them disappeared into thin air. Distantly, a voice screamed 'Could you have picked a less convenient time?! I almost had Apu!"
***
Far away, in distant Ankh-Morpork, George and Dick were sitting in the Oblong Office, making their way through giant piles of paperwork. George was making a little more headway than Dick because he scanned each document unless it was extremely interesting whereas Dick read everything very thoroughly.
"You're taking forever, Dick," George observed as he finished off one pile and started another.
"I'm trying to keep my mind off what happened when I died," Dick replied gruffly. George slid the chair several inches away from Dick.
"You didn't really die," George replied, trying to concentrate on a document but fearing for his partner's sanity. "You're alive now."
"It was that stupid Unseen University." George looked out of the window, to make sure UU was still there. "The high levels of magic around it jumpstarted my Pacemaker. The bloody freak buggered off."
"What freak?"
"Tall, skeletal, wore black . . ."
"Vetinari's on Earth, Dick."
"Not him!" Dick set down his document and grabbed one off George's pile. "He was different. He talked odd."
"What, like someone from Boston or something? They all talk funny. I've never heard anyone else say 'cah.'"
"No, he had an odd voice."
"Like Gilbert Gottfried?"
"Never mind, George."
The two sat in silence, picking their way through papers. Drumknott would shuffle in every once and a while, sneering at George and depositing papers messily in various areas around the room. George became increasingly annoyed with this, but kept his mouth shut. However, when the poor, stupid clerk deposited a rather large pile of paper into the waste basket, directly, George snapped.
"Sic'm, Wuffles."
Just as Drumknott was headed out of the room, he was attacked by a small ball of fragrant (in a bad way) white fluff. Several minutes later, had you been standing in the clerk's wing, you would have seen Drumknott dragging himself along the floor, being vigorously humped by Wuffles.
While George was still chuckling over his victory, the two of them vanished in a sparkling orange cloud.
***
Twist was sunbathing in the Amazing Purple Fanfic room when our favorite characters returned. Don't ask how, because she really didn't want to explain the giant hole in the ceiling. She was wearing a bikini top identical to the pattern on Havelock's shirt, and denim shorts. However, the first thing people tended to notice was the enormous water gun that was sitting by her beach chair.
"So did we enjoy ourselves?" She asked, sitting up and munching on her magic bean burrito.
"No!" Dick and George chorused.
"How about yourself, Carrot, my homie?"
"Except for the assassination attempt, everything was very nice, and even the assassin turned out to be quite a nice chap," Carrot said, smiling and blushing with a little bit of embarrassment at Twist's choice of dress.
"And you, Havvie-kins?"
"Remind me to kill you next time you show up in my office," he glowered. Twist squirted him with the water gun.
"Charming. So now, you all must fill out a short evaluation form and you can go home, okay? That means you too, Mr. Drippy." Vetinari looked ready to kill someone.
Twist handed them each a short printed sheet of paper, and watched as they filled the questions out, occasionally squirting one of them, which no-one (excluding Havelock) really minded, considering it was 95 degrees in the shade.
"Are we all finished?" Twist asked, forever perky. "Good! Now we must distribute gifts. First to George, I present you with a copy of 'The Streets of Ankh-Morpork;' to help you remember where you were.
"Then to Dick I give 'Death's Domain.' No particular reason." Dick paled as she handed the book to him.
"To Carrot, I give chocolate to give to Angua, which I know you'll do because you're nice.
"And finally to Havelock I give," she dumped a bucket of water over his head, "two gallons of water, a change of clothes, a lifetime supply of batteries, a CD player and the New Found Glory CD, with added songs such as 'Sweet Home Alabama' and 'Respect.' This gives me an excuse to come to your office often." Vetinari glared. "And you have to stay afterwards." She grinned evilly. Vetinari shuddered.
"And now I bid all of youse peoples adieu, for our little adventure has come to an end. Adios, mis amigos!" And they all vanished in orange sparkles. "And now, Havelock . . ."
***
Carrot landed on his feet, in uniform outside of Pseudopolis Yard. No one seemed to find this odd. This is, after all, Discworld. He entered the Watch House, and was immediately noticed by Commander Vimes.
"Carrot! Where have you been?" Vimes looked glad to see him, insofar as much as the Commander could.
"Personal, Commander." He looked straight ahead, radiating honesty.
Vimes looked him up and down. "Ah. Well, carry on, captain." He trudged upstairs, mumbling about paperwork. Carrot tried not to look relived as he walked out onto the Ankh-Morporkian streets. That would be out of character.
***
George Dubya landed in his chair, in the Oval Office. He was wearing a normal suit and everything looked in tact. He summed the whole story up in one sentence.
"That was bizarre."
***
Dick Cheney landed in the swampland know as Louisiana. He sighed and trudged through the sludge to the nearest settlement, thinking about how terrible it would be to explain this to anyone. He did not notice the cavemen pointing and grunting, nor did he notice the large brachiosaurus munching happily on a tree.
"She always gets something wrong."
***
About a half hour after everyone else was returned to their respective locations (or time periods, in Cheney's case) Lord Vetinari was returned to his chair of office, grinning happily. He heard Drumknott approaching the doors to his office, and hurriedly attempted to wipe the sparkly orange lip gloss off of his face. That would be fun to explain. Right.
***
Back in the Fanfic room . . .
"I won the bet!" Twist was screaming at Guinea. "No one in the US other than Laura found out! The whole of AM knew by the time George was done!"
"Yes, but I kissed Pteppic longer than you and Vetinari could go!" Guinea yelled, facing the wall.
Pteppic lay back in a beanbag chair and chewed his bean burrito, oblivious to the purple lip gloss covering his face. This was better than entertainment at the Palace.
THE END