Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^;
Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam
started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels
during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing
with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta,
Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th
Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam,
God Gundam, and Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz. But it leans more
to the Universal Calendar than one would believe. At any rate:
Here's more of the worst, just like the first.
****************
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR MACH II
****************
Relena was the girl that became a princess. Then the princess became a queen...
Marvette: So what do you think will happen next?
Junko: Well, if it's anything like Katejina...
Relena: (Dressed in Zeon-like apparel and looking completely scary.) I'll destroy every MS I see in order for universal peace.
Heero & Zechs are running towards her with stuff they need to kill her.
-=*=-
Trowa: I like animals. I love all wild animals. (Petting Shaqi's dog
Flanders.)
Flanders: Uh... Comrade... I'm not wild. I'm a family dog.
Gordon: Okay. Since you're so good with animal, then what can you do
about...?
Gordon's referring to Chara Soon who's found dry-humping one of Neo-Zion's newly made MS.
-=*=-
Heero: Mission accepted. I'll beat the UC Gundam characters.
Heero points his gun at Jamitov Hyman, who turns around and suddenly notices him.
Jamitov: An assassination, huh? Very well. But my death shall fuel the hatred for you Colon scum. And your Sides will explode for the sake of Earthnoid superiority!
Heero: Never mind, then. (Walks away.)
Jamitov: HEY!! I'M NOT DONE WITH MY SPEECH YET!!
-=*=-
Aina: HEY YOU! Get off of my Apsalus! You'll kill us both if you don't!
Shiro: So you can use it against my friends?! Never!
The Apsalus flies around until it runs out of fuel. And it ends up crashing... Into a hot springs hotel.
Later on Ginias turns a shade of white as he finds his sister fixing the roof of the hotel with Shiro.
Ginias: My beloved sister working with a Feddie ticks me off enough. But when the heads of Zion see this picture, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole principality.
-=*=-
Titan pilots: CA-MI-ILLE!!
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME!! Especially when you have a leader
who's named "Jamitov Hyman!"
Titan pilots: But he'll kill us.
Camille: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...!!!
Camille comes back the next day dressed as a woman; causing poor Pha to cry her heart out.
-=*=-
Zechs: I did it! I had finally defeated Char!
Char: But there are more enemies that you have to face, my dear photo-copy.
Zechs: They can do whatever they want. I will defeat them if... AK!!
Zechs takes one look at Ginias Sahalin... And then he loses all sanity as he runs around and smashes into things.
Ginias: Oh, that reminds me... APSALUS II!!
-=*=-
Heero(G-Wing): Something big's coming right at me. It's too big to be
a mobile suit. But it can't be a mobile armor. I wonder what it is.
Elpeo(Quin Mantha): I'm neither a mobile suit nor a mobile armor. I'm
PURU!!
The Quin Mantha grabs Gundam Wing into a headlock; giving it a noogie as her foe tries to struggle out of her grip...
Gremmy: Hey, Puru-2. Didn't you just put that rogue Puru to rest?
Puru-2: Dude. You created, like, forty of us. Remember?
-=*=-
Gihren: If father didn't hold me down, Zion would've won the war in
a matter of months. My IQ surpasses those of the most critical thinkers
during its time.
Wu Fei: So tell me, Gihren. If you're so smart... THEN HOW COME YOU'RE
AS BAD A DRAWER AS DOMON??!!
Wu Fei grudgingly refers to that picture of himself that Domon couldn't draw (and neither could Gihren, it seems). It's enlarged and on the wall of his room.
Gihren: It's ART, my fellow Colon. It's a highly opinionated style.
-=*=-
Char: They said that they were going to include your Haro in Gundam
Wing.
Amuro: I decided against it.
(Flashback)
Relena: Why, how do you do, Haro.
Haro: Haro! Relena's a [censored] [censored] skank! Haro!
Relena snaps from that comment and starts chasing it around with a heat hawk.
(End Flashback)
Char: I guess your Haro must be programmed to be rude as well.
Amuro: Actually, it was because Relena's so easy to tick off.
-=*=-
As the Feds finally close in on the disfigured Neo-Zion fleet, the search for Minerva Zabi ends up incomplete. What they found instead was a clone of the last Zabi.
Bright: Bloody hell. I wonder where she could've gone to?
Mariemaya: I could help them out... But... That would give away my C-cret.
Dekim: That you're actually "her?"
Mariemaya: No. That I'm as bad a rip-off as Zechs.
Zechs: (From somewhere else.) HE-EY!!!
-=*=-
Dozel: HA! Once the Big-Zam gets mass-produced, the Feddie forces will be wiped out at an instant!
GM: (Kneeling down to the Big-Zam.) Oh please, Mr. Zam. Be merciful
and spare our lives.
Big-Zam: Why sure! NOT! (Starts stomping on the poor group of GMs.)
Meanwhile, Kycilia and Garma are exasperated as they look at Dozel playing with his toys.
Kycilia: Whoever coin the phrase, "I don't wanna grow up..."
Garma: Is already dead, sis.
-=*=-
Emma Sheen and Reccoa Lond are fighting it out.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
Haro: (Hopping from out of nowhere.) Right! Because Relena [censored]
[censored] [censored] worse than Dorothy! Haro!
Relena once again gets mad and chases Haro with a 90mm Gelgoog submachine gun. Dorothy follows suit and tries to stop Relena from hurting "such a cute thing." Emma and Reccoa look towards the situation in disgust...
Emma: Hey, I got an idea. Let's play chess instead.
Reccoa: Whoever loses must come back to the side they defected from.
Emma: You're on!
-=*=-
Relena: (Crying.) You're wrong, brother!
Zechs: Relena. It amazes me how much you've grown...
Sayla: (Angered.) You're wrong, brother!
Char: (On a hospital bed with his broken leg on a sling.) It's bad
enough that Beltochika broke my leg [for turning Amuro into an even worse
whiner], but to go to the hospital where my sister works at? My luck _must_
be bad.
-=*=-
Gihren: (Speaking with Degwin.) As you can see, dear father; my solar
ray will be a complete success. All I want is for you to sign this paper,
and we shall be on our way. Father...? Father?
Degwin: ...hhhhnnnnnnhhh...
Degwin's secretary comes over to him. And then she lifts up his hand to check his pulse...
Later on the medics come by and try to place him on the gurney. Gihren, meanwhile, is still in total shock.
-=*=-
Heero: Say good-bye, Amuro.
Amuro: Huh?! YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME??!! (A storm of gloom and despair
forms over him.) He's gonna kill me... He's actually gonna kill me...!
Heero shoots at his poor fellow teen... With a "Super Soaker Gun."
Heero: Say good-bye to your shirt! Can't you take a joke?!
-=*=-
Eledore and Michel walk by, noticing Usso, Shaqi, Warren, Odelo, and Suzy raising a fuss.
Michel: They must be the poor war orphans from Woowig.
Eledore: I'm stoked, dude. "Warphans!"
Odelo: Da Hell?! Do I look like some sort of dolphin to you?! (Grabs
Eledore by the collar.) Am I some sea mammal that jumps through hoops for
your enjoyment?! :mad:
Michel: Don't hurt 'em, man! He's a hippie!
Shiro: Yep... A hippie.
Poor Shiro sighs in defeat as he looks toward Eledore's GM (which is covered with "Love-&-Peace" graffiti by the way.
-=*=-
Dr. J has a struggling Lady Une tied to some machine for him to use.
Dr. J: Don't worry, my dear. After this, you will never have to worry about your split personality again.
Dr. J turns on the machine and lets it work some magic on poor Lady Une.
The next day Treize walks by to find Dr. J smashing up the same machine in fear and disgust. Treize is about to ask the doctor why he's doing it... And then grudgingly decides against it when he finds Lady Une... wearing an OZ cap sideways and acting like Puff Daddy.
-=*=-
Zechs and his crew are in their spaceship, receiving a message about falling space debris.
Zechs: Their sensors are blind. What type of space debris rides on an "atmospheric entry path?"
His crew turn out to be Beecha and Mondo.
Beecha: (Whispering to Mondo.) Bet'cha $50 he ripped that off from Char.
Mondo: (Whispering to Beecha.) You're on.
Zechs: (Sick of all the jokes about him, he takes off his helmet to
show that he's BALD!) I'll see your $50 raise it to $100 that Char's bald
like me!
Meanwhile Char smirks as he starts to shave his own head. But Lalah grabs his wrist.
Lalah: Don't even think about it, Chucky!
-=*=-
Mirai and her daughter Cheimin walk through the park and towards a wall with millions of names written on it.
Cheimin: Is that all the people that fought and died between the One Year War and the Second Neo-Zion War?
Mirai: No, dear. That's the many woman that Char had slept with before he met his end in CCA. (Smirking...) Oh, look! There's Lu-Cre-Zia Noin...!
Zechs crashes his ship from out of the sky (the same ship from the last joke) and pops from the crash.
Zechs: NOOOO!! WHERE??!!
Mirai: Just kidding.
-=*=-
Zechs: (Crying.) Why is everybody making fun of me?!
Heero: (On his computer.) Because we're rip-offs. Our purpose of "Gundam
Wing" is to be the Universal Calendar for newbies and drooling fangirls.
(Gets something on his e-mail.) Hmmm. Mission Accepted. I'll rip Amuro
off.
Zechs: DA HITHER??!!
Heero: (To Relena, depressed and sobbing.) BUT I DON'T WANNA PILOT MY GUNDAM!
Relena goes OOC as well and hits Heero upside the head. Char and Amuro walk by...
Char: Hey look, Amuro. Heero's ripping you off.
Amuro: That's impossible. No one can be THAT handsome and rip me off
like that.
-=*=-
Nina: What 'cha doin', Professor Rei?
Tem: I'm devising the most powerful armor that can be used against those Zeeks! It's now in our final testing stage, madam!
Unfortunately the armor had flunked the final test. Tem's bamboozled, and Nina turns white wish shock, as Dorothy walks by and admires her own crystal-tip-sharp eyebrows.
-=*=-
Gihren: What we need, dear siblings, is an anthem that fits the theme
of our spirit.
Garma/Kycilia: NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE!!
Gihren: And why not?!
Dozel: Remember what happened in Wing?
(Flashback)
Treize was doing OZ's anthem on his Fender "Prince Tribute." And he ending up ramming it through one of the speakers, setting it on fire, and praying it the destroyed piece of music history.
(End Flashback)
Gihren: So?! It ended up within the minds of millions; even after their
"war" ended!
Dozel: They ended up deaf for a long period of time as well, brother.
I'd rather hear the sound of war than the sound of bad Jimi Hendrix impersonations.
Gihren: Wuss.
-=*=-
During ZZ Gundam, Yazan Gerber suffers defeat in the hands of Judau's Zeta. He jumps out of the Geze junk MS and "parachutes" to safety while it crashes into Mashymer's Endora. Reliable sources say that he's dead...
Kai: (As a news reporter.) We'll have more on that story as it unfolds.
This is Kai Shiden for SBC News, Shangri-La. Alright, that's it!
Yazan: (Carrying video camera.) About freakin' time! I need to smack
somebody 'round somethin' awful!
-=*=-
At Side 2's 30 Branch, a peaceful pro-Zion rally is being held. And the Titans, in their worst showing of force, pump gas into the colony to show that they mean business.
Pretty soon, everyone busts out laughing as if the deadliest joke rose from the dead and vengefully got back at everyone...
Bosque(Hizack): Damn, wrong gas. I'll seriously have to hurt whoever's responsible for this.
-=*=-
Jamitov: Be careful, troops. They say that Quatro's a master of disguise.
Jerid and Layla drag in a panicking Quatre towards the creepy Titans leader.
Layla: Sir! We found this guy sneaking around and talking about "peace!"
We think it might be Quatro!
Quatre: I'm not! I swear by the richest mines in space that I'm not!
Rozamia: Your troops sure are dense, Jamitov.
Everyone turns to that hot-looking, purple-haired babe Rozamia. But she flings off "wig" and turns out to be Quatro in disguise. Everyone's in sheer shock.
Jamitov: See? What did I tell you?
Jerid: Yeah, but to dress up as a woman?! KAI SHIDEN WAS RIGHT!!
Quatro: (Facevaults...) Now that hurts!
-=*=-
Allenby: I'm going to become the #1 idol singer! I'll do my best for
everyone! (Starts singing some 80's style pop song.)
Lupe: Oh. Being a pop idol singer is so much fun! (Starts singing the
same type of song, but her lyrics are about war and the military.)
Allenby: Huh? How can anybody be popular with lyrics like that?
But she's shocked to find everyone swarming around Lupe and drooling over her.
Chibodee: (Standing near Allenby.) Why do you think rap music is so popular?
-=*=-
Cima: Damn that Zion government! How dare they use me and then just
throw me away like garbage! Now I have nowhere to go...!
Circus Ringmaster: Excuse me, mistress. Would you like a job?
Cima: Doing what?
A day later, Trowa comes back to the circus after his work is finished as a Gundam pilot. He's "shocked" to find that Cima and her crew had taken his place as circus performers.
Trowa: I guess I'm fired from that job...
-=*=-
Char: Here you go, Quess. Your personal Jagd Doga is equipped with six
funnels...
Quess: But the coloring's all bad! Here, let me do it!
The war between Char's Neo-Zion and London Bell starts... With the later fleeing for their lives as Quess goes into the war with her Jagd Doga. ...Colored like a deranged Spice Girl.
-=*=-
Odelo finds Kai, Hayato, Mondo, and Beecha staring through a small hole in the ladies's lockers.
Odelo: I wouldn't stay if I were you, guys.
Beecha: And why not? What women do in the privacy of their own locker
room is the best thing to experience.
But the guys find an enraged Lady Une behind Odelo...
Later on, the five guys are tied and strapped to big and heavy sacks. Lady Une, Marvette, Mora, Sally, Karen, and the Shrikes are doing football practice this season. And these guys are the "dummies" to train on.
-=*=-
Amuro: Char. You got a different helmet. What's up with that?
Char: It's a... "Magic Helmet."
Amuro: ...magic helmet...?!
Char: Ye-s, magic helmet! And I'll give you a sa-mpl-le!
Char then proceeds to wave his arms around. And a lightning strike nearly hits Amuro.
Amuro: S-s-s- Someone's been watching WAY too much Bugs Bunny reruns.
-=*=-
As Slegger (Core Fighter) kamekazies the Big Zam from the underside, Amuro (Gundam) takes the opportunity to strike at the mobile armor.
Dozel: Damn you Feddie punks! I'm a Zabi warrior and I refuse to bail
out!
Amuro: Oh yeah?! Well Buffy The Vampire Slayer's playing again, and
you're missing the new episodes!
Dozel: WHAT??!! AAAAAAAAHH!!
Later on Dozel has been found watching Buffy on TV and stating how much he sucks.
M'quve: At least Dozel is punctual.
-=*=-
Bright and Oscar are waiting for the elevator. But it's taking too long.
Bright: Oh, for the love of Mike! This is a brand new ship! Why is it that these elevators don't work every time I need them?!
But, as if it was on cue, the elevator door opens. Bright and Oscar end up meeting Sayla and (an extremely red-faced) Amuro. The two slide past the captain and speed off to parts known.
Bright: Grrr... Darn the French and their need to turn everything into
a make-out section.
Oscar: Hmmm... We can also "darn the British" and their sense of humor.
Bright: If you're referring to my collection of "Monty Python," then
thank you so very much.
-=*=-
Aiguille: "Operation Stardust" is going according to plans, Gato.
Anavel: Yes. For the sake of great justice, we must continue to fight!
Aiguille and Gato walk into the lunchroom to find Misha and Bernard plastered on... Sake.
Bernard: I tell ya, pal! Dish import shtuff ish great!
Misha: Da, comrade. But it doesn't compare to the great strength of
"Mother Russia's" own vodka!
The first two Zion soldiers facevault to the floor...
-=*=-
Aiguille: (Televising to the world their theft of the Gundam GP02.) And this is what the Feds have been creating despite their whiny "Antarctic Treaty!"
Eiphar: (Watching from the bridge of the Albion.) Dang! Those Zeeks are even more troublesome than those pilots and my crew!
Aiguille: And this is for Captain Synapse of the Albion. Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
The rest of Aiguille's crew, including Cima and grudgingly Anavel, gather up as they continue to chant "Are we there yet." This causes poor Eiphar to snap (from dealing with the same type of crap from Kou and his crew). He grabs his handgun and starts shooting at any TV in the ship yelling "SHUT UP!!"