Faith's POV
How did I let this happen? We should have never come out here. It was supposed to be a simple recon, but now everything is so completely fucked.
I don't even know what to think right now. I can't believe she killed Angel so easily. She doesn't even seem to feel bad that he's gone. She only seems worried that I might be upset. It's a side of her I've never seen.
I let her help me to the truck, and I look inside. "Shit."
"What's wrong?"
"It's a stick." How the hell are we going to do this? I barely trust her to drive an automatic.
"What does that mean?"
"It means there's no way you can drive it."
"Oh." Seems like I just missed an opportunity for a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I'm too upset and confused to make jokes at the moment.
"The door is unlocked, at least. Let me see what I can do." I slide into the driver's seat and experiment with pushing the gas pedal with my toes. It hurts like hell, but I can handle it. At least it's my right ankle that I jacked up. I think I can manage this. "Can you push it away from the house a bit?"
I release the emergency brake and make sure the shifter isn't in gear. She nods and gets to work. We roll down the driveway and into the road. I think we're far enough away from the house that we won't wake anyone up when I start the truck. I motion for her to get in the passenger seat.
This is an old truck, maybe from the 70s, so it should be no problem to start without a key. Searching through the glove box, I find a flathead screwdriver. I jam it in the ignition, turn it, and the engine comes to life. "At least something is going right."
"That was impressive! I didn't know it could be so easy to start a car without a key."
"Only works on older models. The slayer strength helps too."
We drive slowly down the road. I have no idea where we are or if we're even heading in the right direction. I think we're out of danger for the moment, at least.
"Faith, are you ok?"
"Five by five," I reply without thinking about it. I'm focused on driving and thinking about how many mistakes I made tonight.
"Does five by five mean that you're mad at me?"
"Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?" I finally turn to look at her and see the fear and worry in her eyes.
"If I hadn't abandoned training, we could have handled tonight better. It's my fault we got caught and my fault that Angel hurt you."
I stop the truck and turn to look at her. "Let's make a deal. No more blaming ourselves for our past mistakes. Ok? Let's just move forward and try to be better than we've been."
She looks at me for a bit, but I can't tell what she's thinking.
"What about Angel?" That's the last thing I expected her to be asking about.
"What about him?"
"I... I killed him." She's staring down at her hands like she can't believe what they've done. I know that feeling.
"You did." She looks so small and scared - I really hope we can recover from this.
"You're not upset about that?"
"I'm not sure what I feel about it yet. I'm not mad at you for doing it, though. I don't know what Angelus was doing out there, but it can't be good. I believe that you had no choice." I wonder, though, would I have been able to kill him for her? He did a lot for me. If it weren't for him, I'd be dead or locked away in some council dungeon.
Deep down, I always knew it was dangerous to let him live. Angelus was evil, and we all knew he'd be free again and come after us. I try to imagine how it would have felt to see her knocked unconscious, fearing that he would finish the job and kill her. Just the thought of seeing her like that puts knots in my stomach, and now I'm sure I would have done the same thing she did.
"Ok." I don't believe she thinks it's ok at all. But now isn't the time to discuss it.
We need to get to a phone. I sigh and get the truck moving again. After a few more miles, I see lights in the distance. We're getting near the main road, and I pick up the speed a little. Once we're on the main road, it's not too long until we find a gas station. I pull in, and we get out of the car. I almost collapse as I try to put weight on my ankle. She's got her arms around me in an instant, holding me up.
My shoulder seems to be completely healed, but my ankle hasn't gotten much better. I'm sure it's shattered. Even slayer healing takes time with broken bones. She helps me over to the phone, and I quickly dial Willow's number. Amazed that I remembered it.
"Hello?" Willow sounds half asleep, and I'm kinda annoyed she didn't stay up waiting for us to report back.
"There's some serious trouble down here."
"Faith?" Why does she sound so confused to be hearing from me?
"Yeah, we went to check out that place you told me about. Angelus was there, and tons of vamps. We didn't see much of what they were doing, but it can't be good."
"What are you talking about?"
"What do you mean? You sent me coordinates and told me to scope it out before you sent a team." Ok, freaking out now.
"I never asked you to check a place out," Willow says, and my heart drops into my stomach.
"But... you called a couple of hours ago." I hope if I keep repeating myself, she'll admit that this was just some wacky joke.
"I really didn't."
"Well.. shit. Angelus must have set it up to trap us. Damn. Didn't work out too well for him, though." I frown, looking at Buffy. I dragged her out here for nothing.
"What happened?" Red sounds more alert now, and I can hear her shuffling around. I'm trying to focus on that rather than how I fucked everything up tonight.
"He's dust."
"What!"
"Yeah, she had to..." I didn't mean to say that B is the one that took him out. I just know that's gonna make things even worse. It's not like it was her fault, but she's gonna get blamed for it.
"Buffy killed him! Why would she do that? Why was she even with you?" I'm getting annoyed at her outrage and questions.
"Things are... Complicated." I look at B as I answer Red. She's staring at the ground, seeming ashamed of what she did. I place a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and she looks up at me. "She had no choice, though. He must have been up to something more than just luring us into a trap. I don't know what the rest of them will do now that he's gone."
"We'll send a squad down there to take them out. Do you know where the place was?" I hear voices in the background, and I assume she's getting a team organized. It's comforting to know a squad of slayers will be here soon to clean up our mess.
"My phone was smashed. I don't know if I can get the info."
Suddenly Willow is standing before me. I hear B grunt with surprise and run off to a bench about 100 yards away.
Red didn't seem to notice that B was even there. "Sorry, this seemed easier." She's got her laptop out and is plugging the phone in. I don't even know what to say. I'm too shocked by her appearing out of nowhere without any kind of warning. She seems to be waiting for her computer to do something now. "What happened with Angel?"
"Trashed my shoulder and ankle, then knocked me out. I didn't see what happened, but B staked him while I was out."
She nods and leans down to examine my ankle. Warmth spreads across my leg as she heals it completely. Relieved, I wiggle my foot and test it out. The pain is completely gone. "Thanks, it wasn't healing on its own."
"It was probably broken. How did you manage to get out of there?"
"Piggyback ride." I can't help but smile at the ridiculous idea.
She finally looks around and notices B isn't here. "I didn't even think… how is she?"
I shrug, not at all sure how to answer. Anger is building up, and I'm not sure I can keep it in. It occurs to me that Willow had no idea what she's done. She didn't think about how B would feel about her just showing up. "Maybe you should go try to apologize to her."
She looks genuinely confused. "What do I have to apologize for? She's the one that turned me and everyone else away."
"Are you fucking kidding me? Do I need to give you a list?" I'm thinking holding in my feelings for all this time is starting to be a problem. Now that I've let some of them out, everything I've been trying to bury is starting to spill out of me.
"But... I never did anything to her..."
Now that my ankle is healed, I move towards her aggressively, hands clenched as I spit my words at her. "Guess I do. Let's get the big one out of the way. You ripped her out of fucking heaven! Do you remember that? Do you remember how you tried to fix it? Trying to steal her memories? That was a fantastic plan."
"But... I didn't mean to…"
"Right, didn't mean to." I can't believe how unaware of what she's done she is. How ungrateful she is for all that B has done for her over the years. "How about when you tried to destroy the entire world? You did that because you couldn't handle your grief and thought the answer was to kill the whole world! And what did she do when you did these things? Did she turn her back on you? No, she never stopped supporting you, no matter what you did." I see the confusion and fear on Red's face.
She really never thought about any of this. She just expected B to handle everything and be perfect all the time. It made me even madder that she didn't immediately drop to her knees and beg for forgiveness. I know she's not our enemy. She's just a thoughtless, selfish girl.
I calm myself and back away, "Look, I appreciate the help. I hope you can find your own way. We're going to head home. Come on, B. Let's go." I don't raise my voice or turn my head as I say this. I know she heard every word. The look on Willow's face confirms that she's heading over here.
"She could hear us?" Willow whispered, like that would make a difference now.
"Of course, she could. How can you know so little about her? Have you ever even taken a second to think about what it's like to be her?" I am so fucking angry right now, and I kinda can't believe I haven't shoved my hand through her face.
"I've dedicated my whole life to the Slayer! I live with dozens of them. How can you say I don't know what it's like?" Now I can't believe she has the nerve to argue about this. Does she really still not get it?
"Slayers maybe, but not the Slayer. The baby slayers have no idea what it's like either. They never had the entire world counting on just them. They've always had a team. All she ever had was you. You were supposed to be her best friend."
"How can you defend her? She's always treated you worse than anyone."
"I admit that I didn't understand her at first, either. But then I took some time to think about it - to try to imagine what it's like to be her. When I think about how she was treated by her so-called friends, I'm amazed she handled it as well as she did. If it had been me in her place, we'd probably all be dead by now. I never would have found a way to keep working with everyone after the shit we pulled on her. But she is better than all of us. She knew she had to put the fate of the world above her own feelings." I flashback to that conversation B and me had after I got myself blown up. That was the first time I realized that B's life wasn't as easy and perfect as I always thought.
Willow just frowns. I hope I'm making some kind of sense, but I'm not sure anymore. B is almost here. She's locked on the truck - focusing on getting in and escaping this situation that she's not prepared to deal with.
"Buffy... I..." I jump between them before she can finish.
"Not now. Figure out your shit first." I can see the sadness on her face, but she nods. I think it's starting to make sense to her. B and me have made a lot of progress lately, and I won't have it undone by this colossal fuck up.
I feel terrible for falling for Angelus' trick. I should have realized that it wasn't Red on the phone. I should never have dragged us into this situation.
We get in the truck and head toward home. It's a lot easier to drive now that my ankle is healed. I'm still furious at Red for just showing up, even though I'm glad she healed me and that they'll take care of whatever was happening in that building.
It was still just so rude, showing she has no respect for B. She knew that things were getting better, but I wanted B to talk to her friends herself. I didn't want to be the one to explain to them what they had done. Maybe that was a mistake. Guess it doesn't matter now.
"Thanks. You didn't have to do that." Her voice is quiet, and I can tell she's embarrassed.
"Wanted to. She didn't have any idea about what she did to you."
"Still, kinda dangerous pissing her off."
"Yeah, maybe. But you know me. I like to live dangerously." I grin at her, and she smiles back.
"What if they cut us off now?"
"I don't think they will, but we'll be alright if they do." B has no idea, but I've saved well over $150k in the past few years. That's more than enough to keep us going, especially if she starts working after finishing school.
The rest of the ride home is uneventful. I park the truck in the driveway and briefly wonder if we're going to get into trouble for taking it. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it now, I kill the engine and exit the truck.
I unlock the door, and she follows a few steps behind. I'm completely exhausted, and I know she must be too. She carried me for three miles, at least, a lot of the time running. It has to be more activity than she's had in years. I sigh, walking into the kitchen. This has been a crazy night, full of emotions that I haven't made sense of.
Angel is gone, and while I haven't talked to him in ages, there was always some comfort in knowing that he was around if I needed him. Knowing that he was out there fighting for his redemption made me feel like there was hope for me. Now I'm without my safety net. I feel my shoulders slump as I grab a beer from the fridge, opening it and draining it before closing the door.
I grab another and shut the door. When I turn around, B standing in the doorway, eyes cast to the floor. "Are you ok?" She doesn't answer but looks up and takes a few steps toward me. Our eyes are locked, but I can't read her expression. She quickly closes the distance and wraps me in a warm hug. Her head nestled in my shoulder. I can feel her breath on my neck and her heart pounding against my chest. "B?"
She sighs deeply and backs away. I feel a huge loss when she breaks contact. I want nothing more than to pull her back to me, but I'm terrified of what will happen if I do. It's not even a sexual thing. I just want to be close to her, and I want us to be friends. I want lots of other things too, but tonight is too complicated.
"I'm so sorry about tonight." She whispers, casting her eyes down again.
"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who fell for a trap again."
She gives me a disapproving look, "Faith, it wasn't your fault. How could you possibly have known?" I want to believe her. It's just impossible not to think of myself as a fuck up. She moves forward again, putting her hands on my shoulders. "It's not your fault that we were tricked."
I nod, trying to accept her words. "Fine, none of it was your fault either, though."
"It's not really about blame. I'm just sorry that it happened. I'm sorry that you were hurt. Seeing you like that…" Tears are forming and running down her cheeks. I wipe them away with my thumbs and pull her into a hug. Loving the way our bodies fit together. It's incredible how much things have changed in such a short period.
Would she even have cared if she had seen me injured a month ago? Or would she have laughed? I cringe at the thought, finding it hard to accept that she's even the same person.
"I'm so sorry I spent so much time hating you and pushing you away. Now that I can see you, I don't understand how I couldn't before." I guess she's thinking about the same things I am.
Tears are streaming down my face, and I can feel her hot tears moistening my shirt. Can years of hatred and trying to kill each other be wiped away? Can I let myself believe that she really does care about me now?
I can't deny how good it feels to have her in my arms. I can't deny how different she's been these past few weeks. But how long will that last? What if I piss her off, and she goes back to hating me? I've already put myself out there, already let her know how I feel. She could so easily turn it all around on me.
She could demolish me.
I feel her hands start to wander across my back, gently caressing. Coming to my senses, I carefully push her away. She looks up at me, her red-rimmed eyes searching mine for something. I do my best to stay composed, "I'm exhausted, going to bed." She nods her understanding and gives me some space to pass.
I enter my room, slump down on the floor, lean against my bed, and slowly drink my second beer. She comes upstairs only a few minutes later and knocks on my door.
"Faith?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I come in for a second?" It's kinda funny that she's asking or that she even knocked. Any time before, she would just burst into my room and get annoyed if I got mad at her for not knocking. Even if nothing romantic happens between us, she'll make a more tolerable roommate.
"Sure."
The door opens but doesn't come all the way in. She's staring at the floor and fidgeting with her hands. I don't think I've ever seen her looking so nervous. "I know there's nothing I can say that will erase everything I've said and done to you." I instinctively cover my stomach, remembering exactly what she did. She notices and winces.
"It's all in the past. Neither of us is who we were then." I want to believe it can be this easy to undo all our past mistakes.
"A lot of it isn't that far in the past." She looks down with a frown. I don't know what she's trying to say or what she expects me to say in response. I can't take away her guilt. I'm not sure I'd even want to. Feeling bad about the bad shit we've done is a good thing. "I guess I'm not making much sense right now."
"That's not all that unusual for you." I try to lighten the mood. I don't think we can get past this if we keep letting ourselves get pulled back into our fucked up past.
"Hey!" She grins at me, and I chuckle. "Sometimes, I make sense. I'm sure of it." She gives me a mock pout, and we both laugh. It feels good to be able to laugh.
She turns to leave but changes her mind. "I can imagine that you're worried that I'll turn back into monster Buffy any second now." I look up, shocked - can she read my mind now? "I have no way to prove to you that I won't. I can only tell you that I know that I won't."
"Ok."
She frowns, "Do you think you could ever be like you were before? When you worked for the mayor?'
"What? Where did that come from? Do you think I'm going to switch teams again or something?" I jump to my feet and take a few steps toward her. No matter how good things might be getting between us - I will not accept being accused of being evil again.
"No, no! That's not what I meant. I just meant… Maybe you feel the same way about that, that I do about this. Now that I'm aware of how badly I messed everything up, how awful I was - I know that I'd never let that happen again."
I narrow my eyes at her, trying to calm myself. I replay her words and try to make sense of them. I move towards her again, gently this time. Pulling her close for a hug. "As much as none of that made any sense, I get it." I feel her sigh against me, and she squeezes me.
I breathe her scent in. I'm still completely unsure of what any of this means. But I am less afraid that she'll turn on me again. We break away from the hug, and she smiles at me. "Goodnight." She says softly, almost in a whisper.
"Goodnight." She backs out of my room, not breaking eye contact until she turns towards her room.
I close my door and prepare for sleep. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of me. Just the fact that she could guess that I was worried about her turning on me, and cared enough to try and make me feel better about it, meant a lot.
I know I am still open to being hurt by her. But I'm no longer worried that she'll do it on purpose or even just through being unaware that she was hurting me.
It takes me a while to fall asleep after she leaves. It's still so hard to believe that this is real. Nothing has ever gone right for me. So why would it be now?
The following day I woke up to the sound of the doorbell.
"I've got a delivery for Lehane." The guy is holding a clipboard out to me like I'm supposed to know what he's talking about.
"What?" I'm not quite awake and don't know what delivery I could be getting.
"Just sign here, please." I do, and the man hands me a small package with a note attached. The note reads:
Here is a new cell phone. We took care of the truck. We found your bike, but it was broken beyond repair.
That's all it says, no name or other personalized information. I look over to the driveway to see a brand new version of the bike I had sitting in the driveway. "I guess the council isn't going to cut us off." I smile and go back into the house.
"Good news?" She's heading down the stairs, still in her PJs.
I hold up the keys and smile. "Want to go for a ride?"
"They found your bike?" She looks surprised but not disappointed like I'd expect her to be.
"Not exactly."
We head out and take a closer look at the bike. It's a brand new VFR1200X. Basically, the best all-around bike Honda makes.
"It's pretty." It's bizarre to hear her saying anything nice about a motorcycle.
"It sure is." I climb on and can't help but smile at how it feels. I'm shocked when she climbs on behind me. "I thought you hated these things."
"They're growing on me." She slides a little closer, places her hands on my hips, and leans fully into my back. "Are we going to go for a ride?"
"We should probably put actual clothes on before going for a ride. We don't even have shoes on." I start to feel nervous with her so close.
It's one thing to realize I have feelings for her, but another to think she might feel the same. The idea that we could actually be together is too much for me to handle right now.
"I thought you were danger girl." I can feel her heart beating against my back, it feels like it's going to explode, or maybe that's my own heart. She wraps her arms around my waist and moves even closer. Fear overwhelms me, and I hop off the bike and run into the house.