As I sat under the shade of this lonely tree, I wondered how you were doing this moment. I have to confess that I found myself doing that most of my journey and it was only now that I realized that even if I left you, I would never be truly alone because you didn't leave my heart and my mind. Whose fault would that be now? Yours or mine?
Until now, I don't know if what I feel for you now is love or guilt. How could one distinguish them anyway?
I was really hurting, Kaoru but dare I say that when it was I who left you?
The one who abandoned you?
I know I had my reasons when I left you. I wanted to find myself… but what if I couldn't find it anymore because I was only whole in the first place when I was with you.
I laughed bitterly at that realization.
It's been… what? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? I didn't know anymore. All I knew was it had been too long and… a miserable day was always the same. I would wake up, alone and empty. No security. No one beside me. No one to talk to. No one who cared. I abandoned life itself when I walked out that door.
Kaoru, can I still return to you? Will you still hold out your hand and say, "Okaeri nasai!" and then I would say, "Tadaima de gozaru, anata," and then everything will be back to normal again. I didn't think so but…
I needed to be whole again. I need you to complete me.
With that new resolve, I stood up, dusted the back part of my hakama and went on my way back… to where? The dojo. I wouldn't assume that was still my home. Not after leaving. Not after hurting you like that.
Whenever I look back to that day I left you, somehow, I couldn't remember why I left. At that time, everything seemed logical and justified… that I just had to do it. That if I didn't…
Who was I kidding, ne?
My reasons were irrational and downright stupid… well, that is how I see it now. Everything was in vain. All your tears, pains, heartaches, sleepless nights, yearning, guilt and love… Everything was wasted. I didn't find myself, instead I lost it.
How are you now, love? How are you taking things? Have you gotten over me or is the thought of me still pains you?
Sano had told me how much I had hurt you when I left for Kyoto to fight Shishio. He told me that it was as if you had given up on life itself. You refused to eat, to go about, to talk… you just stared at a distance, tears falling freely from your once sparkling eyes as you wondered if you were just living out a nightmare. Did you suffer as you did back then or was this worse?
No, Kaoru. Don't answer that. I know already.
I trudged the all too familiar path to the place I used to call home. I took one painful and bitter step after the other, dragging my feet as I dreaded the unknown. A part of me told me that you were still waiting for me. That the minute I walk inside the dojo, you would be sitting on the dojo porch, patiently waiting for me to return.
The odds were against me but a longing heart is always persistent.
I could see the dojo now and with each step I took, it led me closer to you. I wanted to run. God knew that I wanted to leap through the air so that in one swift move, I would be with you… in my arms…
…where we both belong.
But I didn't. I restrained myself. I shouldn't be rash. I shouldn't belittle the hurt I had given you so I took meditated steps as I allowed my mind to wander on how I would face you. Should I smile at you or show my misery since I left? Should I apologize immediately or just embrace you and let my heartbeat show you how I felt. Should I walk in that door and allow all the painful memories flood you once again?
My heart wrenched.
Was I being selfish again? That I would just leave you whenever I felt like it and return whenever I wanted? I knew that I had always taken your feelings in consideration whenever I decided to do something drastic but was my assessment enough? Was it even close to what you were feeling?
Che! How arrogant I was back then to assume I understood. That since we were both hurting… somehow, I thought it made up for it. That the pain we were feeling was mutually compensated, therefore adding to the justification of my reasons. It always boiled down to it, ne?
Justification.
I had wasted more than five years of my life, always trying to justify my cowardly acts. Why was I afraid of loving you? Of loving myself? Sometimes, I just stopped and wondered: what if I really deserved you? What if I never left?
Oh, God! What have I done!?!
We could have been husband and wife by now, happy and contented. We would still be living in the dojo and I would find a job somewhere while you take care of our son and teach at the dojo. How many children would we have? I guess, I would leave the decision up to you, since you were going to be the one to carry our child.
Our child.
Made from our own flesh and blood. Sprung from the consummation of our love.
Why did I have to feel so unworthy of you when you had always made me feel worthy and deserving? I am so thankful for that but… but…
There is always a but, isn't it?
But then, why can't I find the statement, which would follow it now?
I sighed heavily as I lifted my hand towards the hard wood of the dojo gate, which was the only barrier that stood between us. Slowly, I pushed the door ajar, wanting to peer inside to know what changed.
It was still the same. The run-down dojo I had learned to love was still there with the same welcoming atmosphere that accepted an ex-assassin, ex-gangster, ex-thief and ex-opium maker. But then, it wasn't really the dojo. It was you. The light you had was enough to illumine all our jaded souls, especially mine. With all your might, you extended your delicate hand to pull me out from the abyss of misery. I held on to you for a while but then I let go.
And I guess after that, we both drowned.
That is why I am here. To come to the surface. I've had enough of all this hiding… all these fears. I want you. I need you.
My eyes trailed around the perimeter of the dojo, searching for you. Just then, I found myself frozen to the ground as I locked my eyes on your sapphire pools. The luster on it returned. You had never been more beautiful. Your cheeks were flushed in a delicate shade of pink… you… your bright face had returned.
Maybe you had already forgiven me.
I was about to step inside the dojo when a man wearing a formal gi and hakama caught my eye. For a moment, my blood raged, feeling an overwhelming sense of protectiveness but then I sighed and regained my composure when I realized that it was just Sanosuke.
He looked so mature and responsible in the way he carried himself now. "Thank you, Sano. I knew you were the one who took care of my Kaoru," I whispered gratefully.
My smile widened as I prepared myself to face you again. My heart was pounding with equal shares of excitement and nervousness. I was prepared to apologize if you were still mad, but at least, I know we would work things out.
I pushed the door wider, letting my right foot in. Just then, blood drained from my face as I collapsed to the ground, unable to hold my weakened knees.
There, Sano walked towards you, pressing a tender kiss on your lips.
Kaoru, my Kaoru, why did you respond so lovingly, wrapping your arms around him?
What happened during my absence?
My heart ached with each tortuous second. I knew that I should just close my eyes to keep my remaining sanity but I couldn't tear my eyes off the scene. It was as if it wouldn't sink in. That I couldn't accept the reality unfolding before me. Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes as my eyebrows creased.
Were my cruel eyes just playing tricks on me?
It must be because I was seeing Sano trailing his kisses to your neck down to your…
You… you're pregnant? You were carrying Sano's child?
I gasped heavily, trying to hold back my tears but I couldn't. This was all too much for me to take. A loud sob escaped from me, projecting a sound of a child's pained whimper.
It was supposed to be me.
I was supposed to be the one holding her and hugging her… making her smile.
I was supposed to be her husband… the one who would take care of her and live with her.
I was supposed to be the one kissing her stomach.
She was supposed to be carrying my child.
Our child. Made from our own flesh and blood. Sprung from the consummation of our love.
Our love? Where did it all go?
I cried for myself and for the child that could never be mine. What have I done?
Seeing them approaching the source of the sobs, I clutched my tightening chest as I struggled to stand up.
No, I wouldn't let you see me. I wouldn't destroy the happiness I am sure you two had worked hard on. I wouldn't erase the smile on your face once again.
I extended my hands to balance myself while I ran away. This was too much for me to bear. I sat under a sakura tree, pulling my knees to my chest as I screamed my lungs out in frustration. Tears… big fat drops of misery poured from my eyes… yet it wasn't enough to relieve me. Nothing could relieve this pain I bore. The pain I had inflicted on myself.
Oh, God! I love you! I love you so much! But I let you go… no… I pushed you away. And now that… now that I wanted you back… you are already in the arms of another man…
…the man I considered as my best friend.
Kaoru, the world I knew had fallen apart and there was nothing else I could do about it. I wanted to be strong… to stand by my decision to leave years ago but I couldn't.
It hurts too much.
I didn't want to cry anymore for it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change the fact that you are now happy with him, Sano, your husband. I should be happy for you, right?
But I couldn't help it. My heart wouldn't allow it.
Forgive me. Please. Even for one day, just allow me to be selfish and mourn for your newly-found love. I needed to do this for myself… to just be me.
Broken and helpless.
"Kao… Kaoru, I love you," I wept bitterly, as I raised my hands in the air, tracing your outline, imagining that you were there. "I'm sorry. There are so many things left unsaid. But now, I don't have the chance to tell you. I destroyed everything that made me who I am.
You and our love.
In my search to find myself, I destroyed myself… my heart, my mind and my soul. Tell me, how could I go on when there is nothing left of me."
Nothing.
~~
Five years ago, my heart was shattered knowing that I was breaking you. Now, as I return to you, trying to patch the hole I had created, I found myself walking away once again.
In the end, I was the one left broken.
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Author's Notes:
Many thanks to dementedchris for editing and for giving baka Kenshin a good piece of advice. Hey, Chris! Watch out! Kenshin might fall for your wisdom! OUCH, Aoshi! I was only kidding! ^_^
Gu-hi-me, thanks for everything, as always. You are my best friend though you may not now it. Hehehe… well, I guess you'll find out once you take a time and read this! ;-p
Originally, I was planning to make this fic 4 chaps max, adding Sano and Kaoru's point-of-view but I decided to write the fic completely through Kenshin's eyes. Kaoru's POV would be coming soon but I would post it as a separate one-shot entitled, "My Silent Tragedy." Anyway, just wait for it!
Thank you for the feedback and keep them coming! Thanks for all your concern! You know what? ff.net lost 9 of my reviews for this fic. Sob! Sob! Sorry! Huhuhuhu!!!! I didn't want that to happen!!! =( That's why I don't have individual responses. Oh well, just leave me your reviews now! ^__^ I never thought that this would become a full-blown angst fic! Anyway, I had posted a chap of 'Lie to Me' to compensate for the dark mood this fic emanates.Leave me your reviews! Tell me what you think!!