CHAPTER 5:

"Are you okay?"

Alex tilted his head and smiled at Maria as he opened the door to her studio for her. "Have I given you the impression that I'm not, love?" he asked in response.

"Alex, you know you don't need to pretend with me. I heard what you were discussing with Burr. You sounded really worried."

"Oh, that," he waved a little dismissively. "You know sometimes my brain can be...a little irrational, I guess. I just wanted some reassurance that I was being silly." Stepping in behind her he closed the door and pulled her into a hug. "I like Aaron and all but, between you and me, I appreciated you being there too."

"Does he worry you at all?"

"No, I think Lafayette is just a bit too nosy and I got nervous because of it."

She sighed. "I wasn't talking about that Lafayette guy."

"Who were you talking about then?"

"Burr."

Alex let her go some and stepped back to give her a puzzled look. "Why would Aaron worry me?"

"He almost deported a man for asking you a question that made you uncomfortable for, what? A minute or two, maybe?"

Shaking his head, Alex smiled knowingly. "No, see, he wouldn't have actually done it. I'm an immigrant too, he knows I wouldn't be pleased with that sort of thing. He was just flexing his metaphorical muscles for me, reassuring me that he could take care of us, no matter what we needed."

"I don't need to ruin someone else's life to feel secure in my own."

"I don't either Maria. And I told him as such and he listened." He frowned some at the way she still looked unsure. "Would you like me to talk to him again? I'll make sure he knows that was really out of line."

"No, you already did that. Besides, I get the feeling Burr would just tell you what you want to hear and say that's the end of it."

"I disagree. He's been good to us over the years. I mean, c'mon Maria you know what it's like for most sex workers, right? We get our own rooms, complete control of the content we want to create, we keep 90% of what we earn, set our own hours, plus medical, dental, and a boss who looks out for us beyond supplying all of that. Working here has been better then the streets, hasn't it?"

"I don't need you to remind me of what it was like on the street's, Alex. Of course it's better here. I just sometimes wonder if it's not...too good to be true? I mean, how does Burr pay for all of this if we only give him a fraction of what we earn? Why does he know so much about us and our lives outside of here? Do you ever think about these things?"

Alex shrugged. "He has the nightclub and I a few other projects he's mentioned to me in passing. He says he has a system where everything balances out. And he's just trying to protect us. Frankly, I'm glad he looks into the backgrounds of everyone I interact with. It feels good to know I have someone else willing to double check things I might not otherwise know and make sure I'm safe from people who could be a threat."

"Like your stalker."

"Yeah."

"Is he still in prison?"

He nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "For another 50 years. I'll be older then Benny when he gets out, so here's to hoping he won't want to kidnap me and lock me in his basement anymore when that day comes. Sick fuck only wanted me cuz I was 16 anyway."

Maria sighed and patted his chest. "You really shouldn't have been doing porn that early, Alexander."

Chuckling, Alex replied, "spoken like a true mother." He kissed her cheek. "But you're absolutely right, I was stupid and reckless. That's why I'm so grateful to Aaron tho, he got my dumb ass out of trouble and has kept me safe ever since."

"You don't feel like the walls meant to keep you safe also keep you locked up?" she asked.

"No," Alex replied honestly. "Because I don't want to leave. Do you?"

She considered his words for a moment, leaning her forehead against his chest. "No," Maria's reply eventually came. "Not yet."

Alex hugged her again, sensing still some kind of unease in her he couldn't place. "Well, when you do, just let me know. I want to say goodbye and help you in anyway that I can. I mean that."

"Thank you Alex," she said. Pulling back again she stepped from his embrace and he let her go with ease. "I laid out the clothes I wanted you to wear for this scene. I'm going to get changed now, you should do the same."

"Right," he said. "Our somewhat usual set up then?"

"Yeah," she replied then looked up. "Actually, can we go bareback this time? I need to talk to my doctor, but I think I'm developing a latex allergy and I don't have anything else to use."

"You're on the pill, right? Took it this morning?"

"Of course."

"Sure," he said with a nod. "Would you like me to pull out too? Or should we just use toys and oral?"

"You know the viewers don't always just settle for that. You should be good for penetration though. My husband and I haven't had any problems with my birth control yet and we haven't been using condoms for the last three months. I just need to limit my contact with latex for a minute." For the first time since he'd come in that day Alex saw her smile deviously at him. "Besides, you give him some really good ideas." He grinned at her as she slipped past him and into her own adjacent bathroom. A chime sounded and reminded him he only had a few minutes before they went live. He pulled his hair from it's loose ponytail and started unbuckling his pants.

"Thomas, did you not say you had something to do with James around four?"

The Virginian stopped his spiel to check his phone. "Shit! I gotta go! I'm gunna be late!" he cried and leaped off of Alex's bed where he'd been sitting. He spun in the doorway. "How do I look? Is my hair okay? Is there anything you can do to fix it so I don't look like I've been moving heavy ass boxes and shit all day?"

"You helped us for one hour!" John cried but Lafayette waved dismissively as he got up and approached Thomas.

He scrunched his hair, brushed his shoulders, picked a bit of lint off his shirt and looked Thomas up and down. "Turn," he said and Thomas obeyed. Again he brushed the man's shoulders, and said, "Turn." Lafayette licked his finger and pretended to wipe a smudge of dirt off Thomas' cheek. "You are good," he finally said and Thomas beamed at him, leaning in to give him a peck of the cheek before flying out the door.

"You changed nothing about his appearance," John said.

"Sometimes it's less about how he looks and more about how he feels," Lafayette replied as he went to close the door.

John scoffed. "It's actually always about how he looks or how he feels, but okay."

"Speaking of lo~oking and fe~eling," Lafayette said in a tone that made John stop fishing clothes out of a box to put onto hangers and turn to look at him. "You have some explaining to do about Alex."

"Is it dinner time already? I hadn't realized it had gotten so late, I wasn't feeling that hungry, heheh..."

"Funny, since you didn't eat much at lunch," Lafayette said, gesturing to the mini fridge that now housed John's leftovers. "But that is beside the point."

The empty box got moved off the bed and John swept the unused hangers into it. "Okay, sooooo, where should we begin?" he asked, as he started collecting the hangers with clothing already draped on them to busy his hands, anything to avoid having to turn around and face Lafayette.

"We should start with why you feel it is necessary to watch porn, mon amie."

"Lots of people watch porn, Laf. I don't really feel that it's something that needs to be discussed."

"I do."

"Fine. I suppose I do it because I'm lonely."

"So call me."

"And I have certain needs."

"Then go out and talk to a few guys."

"And I'm too sad and pathetic to talk to guys for real and you can't, and won't, sleep with me anymore soooo..." He turned around after putting the last of his clothes away and shrugged in an over-exaggerated way. "I guess that just leaves me with porn and prostitutes."

"You're sleeping with prostitutes too, John?"

"I literally told you earlier that you were still the only man I've ever slept with, Laf. That hasn't changed in the two hours since I said it."

The French man rubbed at his temple and propped a hand on his hip, looking like a mother exasperated with a child. "Then please do not use sarcasm right now. I do not like when you use it in a disagreeing tone with me. Please say what you mean so that I can understand you."

"I did," John said.

"Then please do not be so defensive with me. I am worried about you, John. I just want to help."

John looked down at his feet, hands on his hips and shaking his head. "Okay, look, the honest truth is that when we started talking again a year ago, you made it very clear it wasn't so we could get back together. And I agreed with that, and I still agree with that." He gestured vaguely between them. "Obviously we aren't right for each other here. I want you in my life, you're my best friend. But sometimes...being around you...stirs up feelings I wish I didn't have..."

Lafayette reached for his friend and put his hands on the other male's shoulders. "You do not wish to have these feelings for me or you do not wish to have them at all?"

"Laf..."

"John, please answer my question."

He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling tears well in his eyes. "You know I would give anything to be normal—"

"You are normal!

"Straight Then!" he snapped. "God, sometimes it just SUCKS being me, okay? Do you have any idea how utterly awesome it would be if I really could just not like guys? If I could just get a girlfriend and be happy about it so my parents weren't on my case about this shit like, ALL the time?"

"John..."

"I'm sorry, but if you want my honest feelings, those are them Lafayette. Don't pretend like this is news to you either, we've both been through this fight countless times. I hate who I am. I hate the hand I've been dealt in life. I'm doing the best I can with it, and I don't need to be lectured about all the ways I'm not good enough for you because I certainly get enough of that at home."

"You are good enough! I just do not like seeing you miserable, you could be so much happier if you would just listen to me once in a while."

"Yeah, just like I listened to you in France and then see where that got us, right?"

"It got us here. We are okay." Lafayette paused for a moment, taking in the raised brow look to his friend's face and for a moment his own overconfident demeanor faltered. "We are okay, are we not?"

John took a deep breath and stared at the collar of Lafayette's shirt. "Yes," he said at last, "we're okay. I mean, you're my best friend, of course I love you. I'm just...I'm gay too and it's confusing. You're confusing. I don't want you to leave and I can't have you stay."

Heads thunked gently together and John felt tingles run up and down his back as Lafayette squeezed his shoulders. "I am not going to leave again. I just want to help."

"This doesn't help." John patted his friend's chest with his hand and picked at the collar he was focusing on. He wished he could embrace him without the feelings he knew would come with such a gesture. Even being this close to Lafayette drummed up feelings he still wished he didn't have. The hands holding his shoulders dropped down to his arms and the French man took a single step back, pulling his head back to look at John who almost couldn't help the way his fingers held the fabric of his shirt before minding himself that he just told him they couldn't be that close. He let him go and looked up with his sad hazel eyes. "Thank you," he breathed. Lafayette squeezed his arms gently, then let his hands drop, pulling them behind him and taking another step back. John felt a heaviness in his chest from the withdrawal, but said nothing more.

"Can we start over?" Lafayette asked. "I am still concerned about the fact that you are watching porn, mon amie."

"It's literally not that bad, Laf."

Lafayette shook his head and stepped back, moving to pace a slow circle around the room. "Do you have any idea what porn does to you, John?"

"You told me only several times before, but go ahead and refresh my memory because I know I can't stop you."

"It is all about instant gratification with no connection to real people because it objectifies them into something meant only for your pleasure," the French man ranted. "For that matter it more often then not does not treat woman well and a lot of the situations depicted in porn are not things a man should do unless he has spoken to her in length about it beforehand, and not everyone has the consent talk before they get into it with a partner. Extended viewing of it also leads one to seek out more deviant material because it desensitizes you to what is real and what you should realistically expect. It trains your brain to constantly seek out new material because every time you do you get a boost of serotonin and that is why it makes you feel good, but over time that means you will have a harder time maintaining arousal for the same partner. This can lead to sexual dysfunction, depression, not to mention the constant comparing to impossible perfection that porn depicts can leave you doubting your own skills and hating your own natural body, utterly destroying your confidence, John. It is an unproductive waste of time, a distraction from things that you could better spend your time with, lacks creativity or imagination, it—"

"Okay Laf, I get it!" John snapped. "I'm a weird, shut in, sex addict who can't talk to real boys and is going to die alone! Awesome! Woooow!"

The Fench man stopped his pacing and pivoted sharply on the balls of his feet. "I never said that, do not twist my words."

"It feels like you are! It feels like..." He rubbed at his forehead, thinking carefully over his words. "...like I'm starting to regret ever telling you any of this. I hate that I feel like I can't tell you things."

"Well, how long have to you kept this from me?"

John took a deep breath. "Almost a year."

Silence filled the room and John diverted his eyes to the floor, avoiding the the hurt expression he saw beginning to wash over Lafayette's face. He didn't know what else to say, so he just muttered into the growing silence, "I'm sorry, Laf..."

"How often do you watch?" Lafayette finally said.

"I have regularly scheduled sessions with Alex once a week. Private...viewings...he can interact with me through a video stream or a chat log. I don't show my face, you know how I feel about anyone knowing I'm gay, so I don't show my face. But I tell him what to do through a chat and he performs on camera for me."

"And? Do you watch any others? Anything else?"

"No," John replied. He cleared his throat and finally found the courage to look up again. "Sometimes I actually do listen to what you have to say and take your advice, you know. Besides, I think Alex has been really good for me...He's good at what he does..."

Lafayette took his own deep breath. "Okay then. Show me."

"What?" John's eyes widened.

"Alex is at work right now, is he not? Show me what he does for you."

"I—I don't—that's not how—What?!"

"Either you show me or I will find him myself, John. You have told me enough now, I think I can do it."

John chewed on his bottom lip and hugged himself tighter. Despite his deer in the headlights look, his friend did not relent or change his own level gaze and John eventually nodded. "Okay, I just need..." he looked at the boxes left on the floor. "Just gimme a minute to find my laptop..."

"Can I look it up on my phone?"

"I don't think so," John replied. "They have to send you an invite. There's this whole process to sign up. Like confidentiality agreements, legal stuff, background checks...It actually takes a few days and would be easier to just sign in from my account."

"So sign in to your account from my phone. And what is all this about legal stuff?" Lafayette asked. "What kind of legal stuff?"

"Stuff that says you can't re-post any of the work on other porn sites, that all the content found on The Company, that's the business name, The Company's website belongs to them. Like if you post a bootleg somewhere they have the right to sue your ass off and then a lot of thinly veiled threats to do exactly that and what means they can take to hunt you down to do so. Also you have to sign a waiver saying you understand that all your activity on the site and interactions with the performers is recorded and certain behaviors can get you banned. I may not have understood everything, but I understood enough from my father's teachings to get the gist of it." John finally found the box he was looking for and he pulled from it his laptop then moved to sit on his bed. Lafayette plopped down next to him hard enough that John bounced in place a bit as he opened the computer and booted it up. "Basically, they cater to a lot of people like me; people who do not want to be out and they take keeping that secret very serious."

"Oh, I see."

"Umm..." John ventured, peeking at his friend. "Alex might not be doing a live show right now. I literally only use the service to do one-on-one sessions, and he usually does three or four of those every other night or so. He might be engaged in that with someone else."

Whatever Lafayette may have been feeling, he was being very careful not to show any emotion about it now. John couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not. "Well, then show me what else he has done. I imagine there must be other videos of his you can see after he has recorded them?" John nodded as he typed in the website name into his URL box. It always took a minute longer to load while he was at school, but eventually The Company website came up, it's dark gray background and the motto scripted out in bold fuchsia font, Talk Less, Smile More, greeted him like an old friend. John clicked a drop down menu button and found the name Lin Garland, clicking on it to bring up the personal section of his new roommate.

"Lin...Garland?" Lafayette questioned.

"Apparently he uses an alias. And having met him as a person now, I think I see why."

A flashing yellow button with the words LIVE NOW! blinked just under a picture of Alex's smiling face, though John ignored it and Lafayette's attempt to point it out to him by scrolling down to check the page first. Alex's last live show was ready and waiting to be viewed, but John crinkled his nose upon scanning the description; that particular broadcast featured an actor who had chewed him out once and the absolute last person John wanted Lafayette to see what that asshole. Sighing, he scrolled back up and clicked the flashing button, hoping Alex would be with someone else. They were relocated to a stream, but this one was different then the one used it the private sessions; it offered only chat as a means for anyone on John's end to communicate and of course they were taken right to the middle of the stream.

A woman braced her hands against a table, leaning forward just enough that her breasts bounced as she was thrust into from behind. Her short and tight red dress did little more then hug her abdomen, pulled down to expose her nipples and pushed up behind her to give access to the man's cock. She rocked and moaned with each thrust, a melodious voice framed by full red lips that chanted a mantra of, "Yes, Yes, Yes!" Behind her, unmistakably, was Alex, thrusting himself deep and moaning his own fulfillment. John squirmed, uncomfortable not only with the sight and the fact that Lafayette was watching over his shoulder, but also in a sudden twang of jealousy he couldn't place. Alex hooked a hand under her, pulled her up to a standing position and fondled a breast. His other hand snaked around and rubbed her clit, slicking his fingers with the lubrication her body produced. His hands switch roles, and slippery fingers rolled over pert nipples as he messaged her with his other hand, burying his face in the thick locks of her dark hair. John felt his face burn.

"This looks to me like regular porn," Lafayette said at length. "I still do not see what you enjoy in this."

"This isn't what I watch," John replied. "I...I don't come here to watch him do women."

"He is different with men?"

"Well...kinda..." He clicked away from the live stream, grateful to get away from what he was seeing. He knew "Lin" worked with other people, he knew some of those other people were women, but he'd never thought to look any of those videos up after he started seeing "Lin" privately. He backtracked to the page set up for Lin Garland and scrolled down, intending to find something else to show Lafayette, when the French man brushed his hand aside and clicked on the one video John didn't want him to see. "Hey!"

"Shh!" Lafayette replied. "We are watching this one."

"Heeeey, welcome back!" Alex greeted, wearing a white tank top and some bright orange pants as he sat backwards in a chair. He rested his arms on the back of it and waved a hand with a smile. "It's so nice to se—" he flinched drastically as a gun was put to his head and trigger was pulled, though nothing more then a loud POP! sound was made. Laughter followed as a man came into view wearing the most ridiculous looking cop outfit John had ever seen. He already knew it was the man he hated, even before his face came into view, but what John was more concerned about was the mildly alarmed and upset look on Alex's face.

"What?" the other male said once he noticed the look Alex was giving him. "It's fake, Lin," he waved the toy gun first to the camera, then right in front of Alex's face, who pulled away again. "All it shoots are blanks, unlike me. Don't be so uptight."

Alex got up from his seat and right in the man's face, but his voice was almost too low to hear. "If you're going to be here, you are not going to behave like that. I will walk out that door and take this right up with management, do you understand?"

The other male scoffed. "Uhhh, I thought we negotiated that you weren't gunna top from the bottom? So why don't you sit down in your seat and let me take it from here?"

"Put that or any other gun in my face one more time and I'll shove it right up your ass, Jon."

"That's gunna be 'Officer Jon, sir' to you, bitch. Sit down."

Lafayette stopped the video just as Alex was resuming a his original sitting position, though he stared the man named Jon down as he did it. The French man gave his friend a Look of his own and asked, "he is not honestly going to trust that man enough to sleep with him after that, is he?"

"I honestly don't like that guy either," John said, also glaring at the other man in the video. "And I don't know, I don't watch these kinds of videos."

Lafayette clicked a point in the middle of the track and hit play again. The video buffered for a minute as it caught up to where it was meant to pick up from, and then an image of Alex with his hands cuffed behind him and his pants around his ankles while "Officer Jon" fingered him started to play. Alex didn't look that much happier. "Ahh!" he cried in discomfort. "You could use more lube, damnit!"

"Naughty prisoners aren't entitled to such privileges, maggot."

Alex growled through clenched teeth. "How. Do. I. Earn. That. Privilege. Officer."

Lafayette skipped ahead again, to Alex on his knees his head being held against the other male's crotch by a fistful of his hair, then he skipped again to Alex finally on a cot getting rammed hard and heavy in the ass. "Really, John?"

"I don't watch these!" John cried. "I swear!"

Lafayette scrolled down the page, ignoring the sounds of Alex getting fucked as he looked at what other videos were available. John blushed as he waited for Lafayette to choose a different video; at least now Alex sounded like he was getting some kind of pleasure out of the arrangement he was in. His friend clicked a new link, and they were taken to a new page.

"Do you understand how long thirty-five minutes is to wait on someone?" an elderly gentleman in tight leather pants asked as Alex sat tied in a chair, ball gag in his mouth, sweat causing strains of his dark brown hair to stick to his face. John thought for a moment he recognized the other man in the video, or perhaps heard his voice before, but he wasn't sure. Alex bobbed his head to answer yes, and grunted against the restraint that prevented him from talking. "Are you going to make me wait on you like that again?" He looked up playfully up at the man, smirking as best as he could around the ball. But he shook his head and his eyes fluttered closed with a content sigh as he was kissed on the forehead. "Good boy. Now, what else should we do with you?" There was a loud booming noise and the video stopped, though not before both John and Lafayette had nearly screamed.

"What was that?" Lafayette asked in the silence that followed. "A freaking Halloween special?!"

"Nooo," John said. "I don't know what that was. Maybe a glitch."

"John, I am not seeing anything here that I am okay with."

He sighed dejectedly. "I know, I'm sorry," he whined.

"This is what you watch? This is what you enjoy?"

"No! I told you, I don't watch the video's Alex does with other people."

"Well I don't see anything that he does with himself, John."

"That's because, ugh," he grunted and took the computer back. "Here, just let me show you." He closed out the website and opened up his personal computer files, momentarily kicking himself for not just showing these videos to Lafayette from the beginning. He picked one of his favorites and hit play then turned the screen toward Lafayette. "Here. This is what I pay him for. Now you won't be able to hear or see my response, but I'll—"

"Hello my darling," the sound of Alex's voice came though the speaker, and John was all at once relived to feel that the familiar little tingle he always got when starting a session hadn't left him. "How are you feeling this evening?"

"I have a request," John said as if speaking to Alex. That had been his response. He waved at Lafayette's confused look to silence the almost asked question and went on, "I forgot to add it for this session, can I just tell you what it is?"

"Oh? Well, you have my curiosity." Even without seeing the screen John knew Alex was smiling. He knew every detail of the video by heart, this one was his favorite as he'd watched it many times in between his usual sessions. Not because he needed Alex's sexual services more often then he could afford, but because it was one of the first times he'd really spoken to Alex, one of the first times he'd felt like they'd connected.

"Do you know how to speak French?" John asked. He closed his eyes, avoiding the look his friend gave him and focused only on the sounds of the video, the memory of the mannerisms he'd watched hundred's of times playing out in his head for him.

"Ahhh," the video replied. "I'm afraid I don't. Well no, I can say omelette au fromage, but that's because of this old cartoon I once saw as a kid. But somehow I doubt that's what you had in mind. Do you speak French?"

"I do. I speak it pretty well. My friend says so anyway. He's from France, so I trust his opinion on it." There was only silence from Lafayette then, but John knew too well the look the man must be giving him then. He put it from his mind and stayed focused on what his responses to Alex had been.

"I've always wanted to learn. Could you teach me a phrase?" the recording asked.

"You're always saying 'my darling,' to me, would you like to know the French translation?"

"Please?"

"Mon chéri. If you would like to say, 'my dear' you say mon cher."

"Mun cherry," Alex's voice said and John cringed slightly as he recalled how proud he looked of himself; Lafayette scoffed some but choose not to make any comment. "Mun cherry. And mun chair. Is that right, mun chair?"

"Noooooo," John replied. "It's more of a shh sound, not a hard c but a soft one. Think of the singer, Cher."

"Cheri? Chéri? And then, just like cher? Mun cher."

"Less of a vowel noise in mon."

"Moon?"

"Less. Less vowel sound."

"Mn? Mon cher?"

"Yes!" John smiled, even at the memory. "Yes that's it!"

"I see, would you like me to call you mun cher from now on?"

"You might need to practice."

"Maybe it would help if I could hear you say it."

Even now John shook his head. "I'm not comfortable with that. I'm sorry."

"Well, then I guess I'll have to practice for next time, won't I moon cheri?"

"You might just."

"Shall I make that my homework then?"

"Please?"

"Then for you I—" Alex's voice cut out and John opened his eyes with a little flutter. Lafayette's expression was contemplative for a moment and beside him John tried not to fidget too much as he waited for his friend to gather his thoughts and address the elephant in the room. The exact conversation he'd wanted to avoid having with his best friend loomed ahead. He realized for the first time in a year that he'd never put any thought into what he would say once it came up and now that it was here staring him in the face he felt the panic creeping up.

"Are all of your session's like this?" Lafayette asked. "You talk to him so comfortably?"

Slowly John nodded. "I mean, I ask him to...ummm..." He waved vaguely with his hand, his cheeks turning red. "You know..." As he'd done before, Lafayette clicked a point later in the video and hit play. Alex had a hand trailing over himself, lightly teasing his own cock. John's face got hotter as his friend turned the laptop to face him and Alex gave a little moan. "Yeah.." John replied, trying not to stare. "That..."

Turning the computer back toward himself Lafayette studied Alex's movements for a moment. "He is very convincing," he said. "But he is faking his enjoyment."

"You don't need to tell me that," John snapped. "I'm not stupid, I know it's..."

"Faked," Lafayette finished for him. John glared. "Why do you settle for it then?"

John shrugged. "It's safer then going out. And easier. I just pay and I get what I need for a little bit."

"You think it is right to pay someone who can't say no to this? And that is another thing, how are you paying for this, John? I do not imagine daddy dearest would be so happy to pay for gay porn."

"Okay, first of all, the actors have a list of things on their pages that go over what they will and will not do, to avoid that exact problem, so don't bitch to me that they have no control. Furthermore, I can attest personally that they will tell you to fuck right off if you ask for anything they aren't comfortable with, so believe me they can say no." He heaved a sigh and crossed his arms over his chest, looking away for a moment as if he could find the courage to say the next string of words in his head somewhere on the dark wood floor of his dorm room. "Secondly, I picked up a part time job, okay? I got it two years ago because...because..."

"Because you needed a way to pay for your porn habit."

"No! Laf—" John sighed and covered his face. He took slow breaths to steady the tumultuous emotions churning inside him. Anger and guilt and shame and fear all fighting and clawing to spill out of him and he felt like he had no control. He wanted to break down and cry. He wanted to shove Lafayette away. He just wanted his best friend to understand what he couldn't possibly bring himself to say.

A hand found it's way onto his back, moving in slow circular motions. "I appreciate that you are telling me this," Lafayette said, his voice low and soothing. "I know it means that you trust me, and if I appear upset it is because I am worried that you did not tell me sooner. I love you no matter what, John."

He nodded his understanding of his friends words and wiped away the tears that had collected on his face. "I was gunna tell them, before you came back into my life I was...I was gunna tell them..."

"Tell who?"

"My parents," John said, his voice shaking. He looked at his hand and found it trembling as well.

"About the porn?" Lafayette asked, his voice confused.

John shook his head. "About me. I had everything planned out. I was gunna get a job, save up enough to get me through a summer, tell them as soon as I got my bachelors that I wasn't coming home. And—and when they would ask me why I wasn't coming home, I was going—going to tell them that I was gay and I was sick—sick of pretending I wasn't. And then...and then...I don't know what my father would do, I don't know what was going to happen..."

"What changed?"

"I got your letter... And we started talking again...and I didn't want to be re—reckless...I thought if I came out my father would kill me and you'd never hear about it, and—and I couldn't tell you because if I chickened out then you would—you would give me such shit and I just—just felt like everything—" Lafayette pulled him into a hug and John welcomed the embrace, burying his face against him, seeking the safety to cry freely. He breathed deep the scent of the lavender and ylang ylang perfume his friend used as they rocked slowly. Soft shushing noises met his sobs and accompanied the hand on his back as the other one petted his head. He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but as his emotions bled out and he felt himself gaining more control again John shifted slightly and felt Lafayette loosen his grip so he could put back the distance he needed between them. "Are you mad at me?"

"Why should I be mad at you?"

"For keeping secrets, for lying to you about things I'm doing."

"John, look at me." Lafayette tilted his friend's face upward with a gentle push of his hand. "I am not your father. I am not mad at you for any of this. Worried, yes. Angry, no. I do not want you to be watching porn, but I will not force you to stop. I am happy that you are thinking of what your needs are and trying to have them met. That is a very good thing, because you would not do that so much before, remember?"

"Are you still worried I am a sad, sex addicted shut in who will never get a boyfriend and die alone only to be eaten by the six cats I'll accumulate over years of loneliness?" he asked, trying to crack a week smile.

"Non, because I will move you into my home in France before I let that happen. And we will only have one cat."

"Three, and I'll let you name one."

"Fine, but you will clean the litter boxes."

"Deal."

Silence fell over them then. John leaned over and bumped his head on his best friend's shoulder. A familiar hand reached up and petted the side of it, and Lafayette nuzzled him with his own tilted head. "What am I going to do about living with Alex?" John finally asked. "Do I tell him who I am, will that make it awkward? Should I just play dumb?"

"Do you like him?"

"I've paid him a lot of money over the last year, I'd better like him."

"I mean, do you like like him?"

"Well, he's handsome."

"And he knows it."

John let out a single laugh. "You noticed that too, huh? Think I would ever have a chance with someone like that?"

"Oui, as long as you pretend to be the angel I know is in there somewhere and do not go gnawing on the bones at dinner and give yourself away."

John punched Lafayette on the arm playfully as his friend chuckled. "Okay, be serious here, Laf. I'm now living with a guy that I pay to do sexual things for me, what do I do about that?"

"Mon amie, you stress too much sometimes, you know? You cannot treat him like the person he is on the computer, okay? That person is not real, even if your little man thinks differently it is not true." He waved his hand in a circular motion that John had come to associate with Lafayette thinking of the words he wanted to use. "It is like that movie, the one with the girl and the dog, who goes to see that wizard...?"

"Wizard of Oz?"

"Oui, that one. This Lin is the wizard and Alex is the man he really is behind the curtain. But, unlike in that movie, you are finding that surprise out first, and now you think you need to decide if you should go down the road of learning more about him as a person and risk losing the wizard's power to help you entirely, is that correct?" John nodded at his friends words. "Well, mon amie, I think the question really isn't what should you do but rather what can you do? Can you draw the curtain closed again and pretend the wizard is still all powerful even when you know he is not? Can you separate the two in your head and treat them both according only to what you have said and done with that faucet of this dual person in the past without bleeding over into one or the other?"

"I don't know," John said. "That's what I'm so worried about."

"Then ask yourself if you want to."

John sighed. "I just want things to stay the same with Alex."

"But they have already changed, mon cher. Twelve hours ago he was still only Lin to you, now you see that was only a charade. You already so easily call him Alex, I can not help but wonder if you made that switch so easily because you secretly wanted to know him better."

"So what? I just can't have things stay the same? I should ask him out on a date, tell him the truth about how I know him? 'Hey, so, funny story, I know you're a porn star because I watch your stuff, do you wanna go get some drinks, and maybe bang for real?' Yeah, I'm sure he'd just love hearing that."

"Or you could take the time to be his friend first. I remember that you are nervous on dates, but you do not have to make him your boyfriend to get to know him."

"So go down the metaphorical yellow brick road and get to know him better."

"Oui."

"What if the road goes somewhere I don't like? What if I can't go back to seeing him as Lin?"

"Well, you have me," Lafayette grinned. "I will face the lions and tigers and bears with you."

"Oh my."

Lafayette handed the laptop back to John and quickly kissed his cheek. "You will be fine, mon amour. He is a just a person, nothing more. Treat him kindly and let everything else work itself out. But I would not bring up knowing he is a porn star; he has made it quite clear he wants that part of himself to be a secret and even if you cannot help that you already know I think it would be best to let him decide when he wants to tell you about that."

"You mean if he wants to tell me about that," John sighed. "I guess it's only one semester. And it's law school, I guess we'll be busy most of the time with studies...work...And if I keep my usual scheduled sessions with him it's not like I'll have to worry about a roommate walking in on me..."

"You will just have to worry about if he snores too loud and if him leaving his socks on the floor bothers you," Lafayette said with a grin.

"Oh no," John replied with a deadpan voice, "I really hope he doesn't do that. It would be awfuuuul..." Feeling better he smiled, even as Lafayette took his hand and kissed the back of it before he got up. For a moment John squeezed his friend's hand and drew the man's attention back to him. "Are we...we're okay, right? You're really not mad at me?"

A brief look of pain crossed Lafayette's face but it was gone before John could fully process the look. He smiled and leaned in to kiss John's forehead. "Je t'aime," he repeated for the second time that day. "I could never stay mad at you."

"I love you too," John replied, softer. "Thank you for listening to me."

"Of course, whenever you need me too I will listen." Lafayette squeezed his hand back then let it go. John watched him turn to one of the few boxes that still held his worldly college possessions and pick them out one by one to put away. He loved the man, he loved that he matched John's negative mindset with a positive outlook even if he had a hard time believing it. John watched him as he stretched to reach a shelf above the bed, shelving the books John wanted to keep with him, his eyes wandering right down to the peek of Lafayette's abdomen from under the rise of the light pink shirt he wore as he did so, and John brushed away the thought of pressing his lips to that pop of skin and pulling his friend back onto the bed with him. He loved Lafayette so much but after nearly a year of working with Alex, or Lin, John was miffed to realize his desires hadn't changed at all. He wondered why that was, why he held on to the idea of Lafayette being his boyfriend again when he clearly knew it could never happen. He also wondered why Lafayette hadn't brought up the obvious issue on the table.

Where exactly did their relationship stand now?

Somewhere in the boxes he kept at school and away from his family were the letters Lafayette had written to him just over a year ago. The first one had been a surprise, as John hadn't expected to ever hear from the French man again after he'd ignored three months of desperate phone calls and texts, blocking John on all the social media they shared. While he wouldn't call them love letters per se, they did speak very candidly of missing the relationship the two had built with each other and a longing to re-establish at least the friendship aspect of it. While John hadn't jumped at the thought of welcoming Lafayette back into his life so easily, he also couldn't deny that he wanted the same things. The trouble was, he didn't want Lafayette to hurt him again. It seemed simple enough, as long as they stayed just friends, everything would be okay. But the first time he opened his door and saw the French man standing on his family's front porch at the end of a long July summer day he knew there was going to be some problems.

Because he still loved Lafayette.

Letters and Facebook and phone calls and texts could only protect him as long as the man wasn't standing right in front of him. And every time they were together he wanted to just pretend the breakup wasn't real. It would be so easy, to just kiss Lafayette and ask him to be his lover again. He couldn't imagine the French man saying no, not after all the ways he showed John he still had feelings too. They could go back to holding each other and sharing murmured whispers in the dark before bed, cooking dinner for one another and slow dancing in the kitchen, going out dancing and drinking together...

Only in John's perfect little version Lafayette would stop bringing home other lovers whenever he felt like and leaving him to sleep somewhere else for the night. The messy reality was, Lafayette wasn't willing to do that. He'd told John long before they started sleeping together that he only did open relationships and one night stands. Poly-pan, he'd told John; that's what he identified as, poly-pan. John was gay and wanted a partner, one person to settle down with and start his own kind of family. Lafayette told him he didn't even believe in marriage, or the concept of loving simply one person for the rest of your life. He told John humans weren't wired that way and it was something John never understood. He wanted to spend forever with Lafayette and the man told him forever was a lie in one breath, but that he'd always love him in the next, then kiss him goodnight and sometimes John would be lucky to fall asleep next to him and other times he'd sit outside the bedroom door and try not to be jealous of the fact that Lafayette had taken a girl or another guy to bed that night instead of him.

And as he stood on his front porch, burying his face against Lafayette's shoulder and crying silently while squeezing him tightly to make sure he was real, he'd thought of all these facts. He thought of how much he loved his best friend, how how ill equipped the French man was to reciprocate those feelings, of all the fights they'd had, of all the nights they'd spent together, and John knew he would have to find a solution fast the the new problem of having this man back in his life or else he was going to be completely fucked over again.

And that's when he found Lin.

Lin was supposed to help him get over his best friend, give him someone else to think about, someone safe to come back to as he tried to branch out into dating again; but now he was realizing that never really happened. He'd just hunkered down and told himself he'd sort through these issues later. He'd figure out where he really stood with Lafayette later, he'd get a boyfriend later, everything good he meant to do in his life would just come later, later, later. Lafayette had once called him out for that, telling him it was a survival mentality a person develops when in hostile environments but it wasn't good to keep practicing once a person was removed from such an environment. John sighed and, not for the first time in his life, silently cursed his father for the way he treated his oldest son.

"Earth to John," Lafayette said, waving a hand about foot or so in front of his face. "Come in to earth, John."

"Huh?" He looked up at his friend. "Yes?"

"I asked you where you wanted me to put this?" Lafayette held up the shoe box of full of the letters he had sent John. Well, his little sister Mary's were in there too, but all the same John reached for the box with a slight blush.

"Oh, that can go here, in the drawer of the desk next to my bed."

Lafayette smiled conspiratorially and handed him the box. "Love letters from your boyfriend?"

"Letters from an ex-lover, yes," John replied. If Lafayette had peeked inside John hardly cared. Everything was kept in it's original envelope and the French man would have recognized his own handwriting anyway; nothing else of importance was in there. "And my baby sister."

"Scandalous. What do you want for dinner? Are you going to eat your leftovers or do you want to go out?"

"I dunno, we can order pizza or something. I have money in my account, I can cover you since you got my whole family lunch."

Lafayette blew a raspberry at him. "But that is your porn fund, how could I ask you to feed me from it?"

"Uh-huh," John said putting the shoe box away and smirking at the joking tone in his friend's voice. "It's also my run-away-from-my-family fund and my pay-for-my-own-place-once-I-get-kicked-out fund. I think it can cover a pizza."

"I thought I was your run-away-from-your-family fund?"

"You're my run-away-to-France-so-my-father-doesn't-kill-me backup plan. But that's, ya know, an absolute worst case scenario plan."

The mirth from Lafayette's face disappeared then and he hid it under the guise of digging his phone out of his pocket, but John knew him far to well to miss what the sudden absence in jokes meant after a comment like that. He was just grateful the man didn't make a threat against his father like he had when John had first started opening up to him about the reality of his family life. "So, pizza then?" the French man asked.

John nodded. "Pizza is fine."

A hushed quiet filled the room as Alex laid out on the bed, Maria on top of him. Softly his fingers trailed up and down her back, tracing swirling patterns of comfort. He felt warm and safe and calm, watching the last legs of late August sunlight slowly fade out to darkness in the frosted window. A part of him, a very small part of him, lamented that he couldn't actually see the sky right then but he really didn't want to get up and move just yet. Dark curls of hair spilled out over one shoulder and he was careful not to disturb them. If there was such a thing as heaven, he wasn't sure how in the world it would be better then this.

Their scene had ended an hour ago and they'd closed it out with their usual salutations, but Alex had kept Maria close and laid back down with her once the cameras were off to cuddle. He liked Maria, she was one of his favorite co-workers. She worked as hard as he did to please her audience and even though he was going to be collaborating more with co-workers in their studios over the next four months so he wouldn't have to worry about coming up with content himself, he enjoyed how she let him lead when he wanted too. He actually really enjoyed giving her pleasure. Her fanbase was a grab bag of diversity, and Alex appreciated that she tried to cater to as many different tastes as possible. Sometimes she wanted him to be rough with her and she needed him to go hard and deep. Other times she asked him to tease her slowly. But his favorite was always when he got to lay her back, carefully spread her legs, and rub his tongue over and around her clit until she almost couldn't remember what name to scream for him.

Maria shifted then and began to sit up, the fading light obscured what little bit of her face he could see even as he brushed a hand through her hair to push it from her face. "Morning sleepy head," he said with a grin. "Did you have a good nap?"

"Nap? How long was I out for?"

"An hour or so. I can't see the clock from here."

She rubbed her eye and looked up over his head, then swore and quickly got up off the bed. Alex sat up just as she was shutting the bathroom door behind her. "Everything okay?" he called. A moment later she reappeared wearing the street clothes she'd had on before their scene.

"I told the sitter I'd be back 30 minutes ago! I should have told you not to let me sleep this time, I gotta run." She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead.

"I thought Mr. Reynolds watched the lil'un while you were at work?" Alex asked.

"He's been looking for work too," Maria replied. "This job pays well, but it doesn't pay 'feed a family of three AND put my child through college' well."

Alex frowned at this. "Really? I thought it did. Do you want me to take a look at your budget, see if I can't improve it for you?"

"You're an accountant now too?"

He laughed. "Well, no. But it's not that hard to create a budget. It just takes discipline to stick to it, that's all."

"That's something you'll need to discuss with my husband." She plopped on the bed and started pulling her socks back on, then slipped each foot into a comfortably well worn sneaker. Alex couldn't help but notice they were almost a little too well worn. He decidedly kept his mouth shut on the matter but decided he would find a way to surprise her with a new pair.

"Want me to stay and clean up here for you then?" he offered. "I mean, if you gotta run and pick up your kid from the sitter's I don't mind changing the sheets and all."

"Oh my god, could you? Really?" She kissed him several times over his face and mouth as he nodded. "I love you, you're the absolute best. AUGH! If I wasn't married-!"

Alex chuckled nervously. "Hey now, don't let Mr. Reynolds hear you say that. It would probably hurt his feelings." Whatever else he might have said to tease her was drowned out when she leaned in and kissed him again, parting his lips with her tongue and he welcomed her momentarily dance. When they pulled away he could see even less of her in the twilight. "Thank you, Alexander," her voice low. "I have to run. I'll see you in a day or two?"

He nodded and hummed his approval. In the now nearly dark room he felt more then saw her raise up from the bed and hurry to the door, her frame temporarily back-lit from the hallway as she exited. He sighed contently and groped around in the dark to his left, looking for the lamp she kept on the bedside table in her room. A soft pink glow emanated from the lamp once he turned it on and he looked around at what he had to do. A change of sheets for sure, straightening the things they knocked over, collecting the discarded clothes they had worn, and maybe a dusting of the areas out of site of the cameras. Hardly anyone ever took the time to care for the areas out of view of the cameras since the studios were meant to act as sets and not actual living spaces, but Alex sometimes got fixated on making sure little details such as those were given the same care as everything else. So what if no one but him was going to see them? It was still bad form to neglect it. Overall the space wouldn't need much work. Maria wasn't one to slack off on her cleaning.

He pushed his hair from his face and looked around for his pants and hair tie. The pants were easy, but the hair band had escaped him somewhere in the dark room. He shrugged it off and figured it would either turn up in the cleaning or that the fairies his mother had told him about in his youth had whisked it away for some other use and he'd just have to find another to replace it. Not a big loss and he could work around it. He pulled on the pants and set to work cleaning up.

END CHAPTER