CHAPTER 10:

"Hey," Alex said to John as he climbed up into the back of Thomas's truck. Despite his earlier words, it would seem that the driver didn't have final say in seating arrangements when a stubborn South Carolinian was involved. "Fancy meeting you in a place like this. You come here often?"

John laughed some as he settled down, laying out on the bed of the truck. "You're gunna wanna get low," he warned. "Thomas takes turns a little sharply." He scooted over to give Alex some room and pulled his hands in when the other male brushed them accidentally. Remembering the morning's talks that he wouldn't do that, however, John intentionally bumped Alex's hand with the back of his and ended up accidentally drawing his attention to it.

"Yes?" Alex asked him and John faltered, trying to come up with an excuse as to why he'd bumped him. But Alex grinned and just took hold of John's hand in his, intertwining their fingers together and resting it on the bed of the truck between them. The truck started and Thomas peeked down at them from the front.

"No making out in the back of my truck," he chided.

"You're not our mother, Thomas!" Alex shot back, mimicking John's siblings and making the other male laugh.

"Don't make me come back there!"

"Don't make me come back there," Alex mocked in a low voice as John snickered beside him. God it felt good to make him laugh. "Man, Thomas is a tool."

"A bit yeah," John replied softly.

"You know he gave me shit about upsetting you this morning, while we were inside."

"What?" John asked his eyes flashing. "I didn't tell him—ugh! Laf..."

"Sorry, I just thought you should know. And I kinda figured it was something like that."

"I'm sorry Thomas got on your case. I hope he wasn't too much of an ass?"

"I'm still here aren't I?"

John snorted. "What did he say?"

"Ahh, just that you're someone he cares about and if I were to hurt you I'd wake up six feet underground in some undisclosed location, that kind of thing."

"He doesn't scare you?"

"Nah, I ain't scared of shit."

"Oh-hoooo?" John said, a teasing tone to his voice. "Is that sooo, Alexander? What about stalkers?"

"Okay, but no, that's another matter entirely! Have you ever had one of those? They are terrifying!"

"How come?"

"You don't know what they want. Wait, no...you know they want you, but you don't know why, what purpose they have in mind, or what they plan on doing once they have you. Or they tell you why and that's even worse, cuz then every time you see them somewhere you think of that and how much you don't want it...and how much they...do...And they're never sound of mind...like, when they keep showing up, because they're so fixated on you and they just refuse to see anything else, that's really scary. They scare you and they don't even understand why they scare you because to them it's just another Tuesday, going through your things, following you whenever you leave the house, taking photos of you without your knowledge or consent while you're just trying to...do your shopping, eat out with friends, live your life...You're not a person to them anymore, you're an idea, and something they've built into their minds to be something far greater then you ever could be, and god help you if you fail to live up to that for them, they'd freak out at you for daring to disappoint them. And you don't know them, you don't know what they're really like, you don't know what they might be capable of; will they hurt you if you set boundaries? Will they hurt your friends or family if you're out with them? How will they retaliate? When will they retaliate? How do you protect yourself from people like that when you don't even know who might become one...?"

Alex felt John squeeze his hand some and he returned the gesture. "Sorry," he said, a little embarrassed to realize he'd been rambling. "Sometimes I can talk a lot."

"That's okay, I like the sound of your voice," John replied. "It would probably be even more soothing if you were talking about something less frightening then stalkers, but you know." Alex chuckled some, smiling at John.

"You're not a stalker, right John?"

"Oh, I am," John said a teasing smile on his face. "I know so much about you. More then you'd ever want to tell me."

"You do not," Alex replied, trying to force a smile on his face.

"Do too!"

"Okay, fine. Prove it. What's my favorite color?"

"Yellow!"

Alex snorted. "No it's not."

"Red?"

"Not even close."

"The color of Thomas's jacket?"

"Fuchsia?! Nah."

"Okay, so that's the one thing I don't know."

"It's green," Alex told him. "I really like the color green." He patted his chest and smoothed over the oversized faded green hoodie he wore. "It can be elegant or obnoxious, goes with pretty much any other color, and I think I look damn good in it, don't you agree?"

"I dunno, I think I need to see you in Thomas's coat first, see if maybe that looks better on you."

"What, do I look like a Barbie to you?"

"Maaaaaaaybe," John grinned at him.

Alex smirked back. "Okay new question, Mr. I know all of Alex's secrets, what was I doing last Saturday night?"

"Oh, that's easy, you were working," John replied before he could stop himself. It was true, every Saturday at 8PM Alex was starting his cam shows, and John's slot always started at 11:45PM, the last slot of the night. He had Lin's attention for 30 minutes and they had spent every Saturday together under those conditions for the last several months. But as soon as he said it he saw something shift in Alex's face, a kind of fear wash over him for just a second. "Well? Was I right?" he asked, feigning innocence.

Alex snorted and his smile returned. "Lucky guess. But I'll bet you can never guess what my job actually is?"

That was a trap. John saw it a mile away. Alex was testing him, to see if he actually did know him. He tried to look thoughtful as he internally panicked. On the one hand, John never once intended for Lin to see his face or hear his voice. Hand to god, John wanted to keep his own anonymity in tact because if later on down the line he needed Lin's services, he was hoping Alex not knowing who he was would allow that to happen just as it had been for the last year. Then of course there was the way Alex had been so secretive about his job. He didn't want anyone to know what he did as much as John didn't want anyone to know he was the one Alex did it for. So John had to make a choice, either tell Alex he knew who he was or...

"Therapist," John replied and the surprised relief he saw in Alex's face told him he'd made the right choice.

"Therapist?"

John nodded. "Maybe like, crisis center? You know, for like, one of those numbers you call when...you're feeling suicidal and stuff? You're the guy on the other end of the line that handles the call. You talk to people, you give them comfort."

"Really? That's what you think I do?"

"Customer service job for a company where you handle incoming needs? Isn't that what you said at lunch the other day? So like, call center work, right?"

"Where did you get therapy from tho?"

"From this morning. You like to help people, don't you Alex?"

"I...just wanted to help you..."

"But...the crisis line makes the most sense..." John said, once more feigning innocence. "Especially if you can't discuss with other people what you do for a living because you could get fired for it...Am I right?" He was putting the ball back in Alex's court, giving him the opportunity to confess to John. So now either Alex could own up and tell John himself what he really did or...

"Well, you'd be right," Alex said with a charming smile. God, it was the same smile Lin gave him all the time and suddenly John saw how well rehearsed it was, how easy, how perfect, how...fake. "But don't tell anyone I told you that. It can be our little secret, okay?"

"Okay," John agreed, squeezing Alex's hand once more. "Our secret..."

Burr listened to the conversation coming in through the transmitter he'd planted on Alex's phone and swore under his breath. John was toeing a dangerous line and he did not like it. No, he did not like it one bit. It didn't matter that the boy seemed to be a total closet case, he was edging into things that could upset the balance of how he kept his life running. Of course, if John told Alex who he was and upset one of Burr's most lucrative employees, well it would only make everything in John's life go to shit. Burr would personally oversee it burned to the ground if it came to that.

"Okay, new question!" he heard Alex say to which Burr muttered, "Steer him away from the job, you asshole," but of course Alex couldn't hear him. Some kind of sloshing sound was heard, followed by Alex asking, "what's my new favorite drink?" Burr relaxed in the knowledge that Alex wasn't a complete moron.

"I dunno, it looks like some kind of pink drink," John's voice replied.

"Wanna try it?" Alex asked him and as soon as John said yes Burr understood a new problem. Alex liked this new little roommate of his. Of course, Alex tended to like anyone who thought he was cute and wanted to snuggle with him, so that wasn't wholly a surprise. But thankfully up until that year most of his roommates had seemed disinterested in reciprocating Alex's attempts to be affectionate. Now this little John Laurens bastard was getting too close for comfort and snuggling up where he really shouldn't be...Well, at least not before Burr had a chance to talk with him, about how inappropriate that would be.

"It tastes like something I can make at home," John's voice said and Alex giggled at him.

"You probably could," his employee replied.

A section of a monitor that was all black suddenly light up and Burr took note of the man that was fiddling with the camera as he placed it. It's view captured a wide sweep of he dorm room Alex would be sharing with little Laurens and he watched as the man went to place another camera. Burr had requested six, one in each corner of the room and the last two tucked away in the bathroom. It was a precaution he hadn't had to take for nearly two years. Alex was, surprisingly, a creature of habit and only aware of the things he focused in on; for example his studies. Backed up on a drive in Burr's office was hours upon hours of Alex sitting at a desk reading textbooks, going over class notes and and doing homework during his first semester at Harvard. He really only got up to use the bathroom, and go to class or work. His first year of college Burr had sent him food because he watched the stupid kid go an entire day without eating and Aaron knew a work load the size of which Alex decided he could take on did not couple well with a lack of nutrition or sleep. Alex had just accepted the orders handed to him and ate at his desk, until he caught on that he wasn't the one paying for any of it. The lack of sleeping was something Aaron couldn't fix without having somebody break down his door and tranquilize him, so he just had to watch Alex work himself to exhaustion at his desk or hope that his roommate would mind him to get some sleep.

Once Burr knew the boy's usual routine, he eased up on the video surveillance and tracked him only through the location that tied into his phone and the transmitter he'd planted when he'd given Alex the darn thing. Every single one of Burr's employees had one, it's how he kept track of where his assets wandered off too. He'd been considering getting them all chipped like cats, but he knew that would be a bit of a hard sell for some people to swallow and honestly, the technology was more expensive then it was worth right now. Threats, blackmail, and good ol' fashioned voyeurism did everything those chips could and then some. Besides, he could package and sell the more interesting parts of a person's mundane routine for extra cash. He knew a guy who would be very pleased to know he could have new videos of Alex showering and another that would be pleased to watch him and John as they relieved themselves on the toilet. The world was filled with people with dark desires and Burr would be lying if he didn't admit feeding them their vices didn't fascinate him and satisfy his own dark curiosities.

The man finished setting up the last microscopic camera and, whether or not Burr liked any of the angles, he left the room. In and out with little time for anyone to notice anything was off. That's exactly what Burr paid him for tho, and if he was any less of a professional Burr would simply make the arrangements to spare someone else in his position from having to deal with sloppy work. The angles were fine, the cameras would catch everything, literally everything, the boys could possibly do in their already cramped little dorm without ever once alerting them that there was another set of eyes watching all that went on inside. And if John wanted to snuggle up to Alex and fuck him right there on the floor of their dorm, well, Burr knew more then a few buyers who would pay to see that too.

"So, how'd it go with your job? Are you back on their good side?" Alex's voice came through.

"Yeah, they hired me back on for another year," John replied. Burr turned the volume down, no longer feeling like he needed to keep a close tab on Alex. In truth he could never watch all of his employees all of the time. He had to accept that constant recordings and outsourcing to other people who enjoyed that kind of thing far, far more then he did was the only way to make sure he would be kept in the loop at all. If John said something to Alex that he shouldn't, someone would alert Burr immediately and if they didn't...well, Burr would find them and make arrangements for sloppy work.

He leaned forward in his chair, reading over a few replies he'd gotten for an inquiry into some services he'd be needing soon to deal with what he was now calling the John Situation. People more twisted them him quoted him prices for the things they offered, and he scrolled through their replies on a message board hidden to all except those who knew how to find it. He ignored the replies of people who claimed to be fans of Alex's work, both the kind where he knew he was on camera and the kind where he did not. The last thing Burr needed was for some internet cretin to actually make a move to take John out of the picture and think that would leave them an opening to get close to Alex. Besides, most of those people were amateurs, if that. Professional hit men skipped the pleasantries and got straight to the point. One post caught Burr's attention and held it. The price was good, and the guy offered more then one of the services Burr was looking for. Surveillance, kidnapping, delivery, parcel protection, disposal...He'd be hard pressed to find a better deal. And the entire John Situation could be resolved in just a few short days.

Burr decided to reach out with a simple email and was delighted when a call came through a moment later. With a cold smile he said, "let's talk business."

"If you get close to my face, I'm going to kiss you," Alex warned, a sly grin in place.

"I can't help it, it's all of Thomas's turns. I told you he takes them too fast." John protested with a smirk, but moved his face closer to Alex's, as if daring him to make good on his word. Alex waited until he moved close enough, then quickly pecked his lips against John's nose, earning a surprised look from the other. "What? I warned you, didn't I?"

"I didn't think you would!" John countered with a grin. The car turned again, rolling Alex closer to John and he sat up on his side, letting go of the other's hand to do so and holding his drink aloft so it wouldn't tip.

"That just sounds like your p—" Alex started to say but a bump in the in the car rattled them both and the drink Alex was trying to keep upright slipped from his hand, raining down on John who cried out from the shock of it. Nearly half of a wet and cold strawberry mess seeped into John's clothes and he could do little more then sigh dejectedly after the fact. The day had been going so well, but of course some bullshit like this had to go and happen.

"I'm sorry!" Alex cried, mortified on John's behalf. "I'm so sorry! Oh shit, John—I didn't mean to! I—I'll—I'm—" He searched frantically for something to clean with, but seeing nothing opted to remove his own hoodie and shirt subsequently. "Here, I'll clean you up!"

"Wait—" John tried to get out but Alex was already pressing the fabric of his clothes into John's chest, trying to mop up the extra moisture. He rubbed up and down John's torso and John involuntarily squawked and squirmed underneath him, til Alex stopped with a head tilt and a raised brow. For a moment they both stared at each other and then a smile slowly spread over Alex's lips. John knew what that look meant. John almost hated that look. "Don't. You. Dare..."

"John Laurens, are you...ticklish?" Alex asked, grinning and drumming his fingers against John's sides.

Squirming and trying not to make the noises that always drove everyone to goose or tickle him, John ground out, "I. CanNOT. Be HELD. Respo—OoOoOON—sible! For your SaFTEY!"

"Oooooh, but John," Alex laughed. "You should see your face right now, you're trying so hard to be mad and me but if I—" And he tickled John who let out a yelp, bucking beneath him and grabbing at Alex's hands to at least try to hold them still. It didn't help that there was bunches of fabric between John's sides and Alex's hands, his fingers still dig in against his sides, and John's bucking and squirming only seemed to make them worse, which in turn only served to elicit more of the high pitched squeaks that John made whenever he was tickled. Alex laughed at the absurd and yet adorable way it sounded, until John's flailing slapped him hard across the face and knocked him to the side of the truck bed.

"Oi," Lafayette's voice called from the now open backed window of the truck as he glanced back at them. "What is happening back there?"

"John punched me!" Alex groaned.

"I did not! Alex tickled me first!" John said, exactly as he always had when he was a kid. "I warned you!"

But Alex smiled through the pain and reached for John's stomach again, who saw the attempt at an advance and blocked it with a well placed slap to his hand. Alex pulled back but made like the was reaching again, and soon they were both waving their hands about, slapping, pushing, grabbing and only the occasional tickle landed on John's abdomen.

"It's Not Fair!" John cried after his third attempt at tickling in retaliation was only met with a swift clamping down of Alex's arm on his hand. "You're Not Ticklish!"

"Ahh, All's Fair In Love And War, John!" Alex replied. "And Everyday Is A New Battle!"

"Children! Knock it off back there!" Thomas called from his front seat, but Lafayette laughed him off.

"They are just having fun, mon amie."

"I'm Getting Mauled!" John protested.

In one swift movement, Alex rolled on top if him again, straddling his waist and grabbing each wrist as he pinned them above John's head with his own weight. He grinned down at John who looked up in flustered and blushing shock. "Do you yield?" he asked, his own face blushed from the play fighting.

"Never!" John said, bucking his hips in a moment of defiance, but Alex rode it out like he had many of the rest. "Give me liberty or give me death!"

"Okay, okay," Alex sighed, feeling his red face deepen in reaction to the friction between his legs. "How about a truce then? A peace treaty?"

"Liberty or death!"

"We'll I'm not just gunna give you liberty," Alex mused. "Guess it's death then. How shall I kill you? Any requests?

"Softly," John challenged.

"Softy?"

"Softly," he repeated with a nod and a grin.

"We don't have anything soft on this vessel! It's all—" But whatever else Alex was about to say got drown out as a hose was turned on him and John. Caught up in the moment of their play fight, neither one had realized that Thomas had finally reached their destination, and now he stood outside the bed of his truck, spraying Alex and John down who both sputtered and shrieked in response.

"Get Out Of Tiger Lily's Bed!" Thomas yelled at them as he held the sprayer off. "Ya Nasty! Fooling around back there where you think I can't see!"

"FUCK OFF THOMAS!" John yelled as he climbed out of the truck bed, soaking wet. He dodged being sprayed again but Alex did not escape the second spritz to his body once he was out on the ground. He did not avoid the third or fourth either as he started marching toward Thomas, hellbent on wrestling the hose away from him. When he marched closer despite a fifth warning shot was when Thomas screamed and gave up ground, but now Alex gave chase, and they ran off around the front yard of the house Thomas had parked outside of.

John would have given chase on a better day, but the chill already creeping into a crisp fall day sent shivers racking through his soaking body and even worse, the now soaking wet pads of gauze tapped to his legs also reminded him of the wounds he'd inflicted on himself earlier. They dully ached and he wanted little more then to just change out the pads and lay down for a bit. At least he wouldn't really need a shower anymore.

Lafayette slowly made his way over to John, followed a moment later by James. "So..."

"Sew buttons on your underwear, what?" John replied..

"I gather that you like Alex."

John tried to look perplexed, even though his face flushed despite a bout of shivers. "Well, what's not to like about him? He's a great guy."

"You're the roommate that let him have six cups of coffee this morning, right?" James asked. As John nodded he added, "yeah, try not to do that very often. Otherwise you'll have to deal with, well, this." And he gestured out at where Alex had managed to succeed in getting hold of the hose, chasing and spraying Thomas while laughing manically as the taller man screamed a string of curses while trying to escape. "It looks funny from the outside, but once you can't get him to bed it becomes a real problem."

"How long will he stay up for on six cups of coffee?" John asked.

"Well, if you don't feed him anymore, he could be out sometime about three in the morning. If you do, you're looking at somewhere between three days and a week, depending on how soon you can find the source supplying him and cut him off from it."

"You should not be drinking coffee anyway," Lafayette said as he petted John's head. "It makes you worry more."

"No it doesn't," John replied and stuck both his pinkies in his mouth. Lafayette had just enough time to cover his ears, tho poor James did not catch on it time, before letting out a sharp and shrill whistle to catch the attention of Alex and Thomas. "I'm heading inside," he called. "And I'm raiding your closet for a change of clothes, Thomas."

Thomas shoved Alex off him, getting spritzed in the back of the head one more time for good measure, but when he didn't even turn around to glare at the other man Alex realized their water fighting was at an end. Turning the hose off as they met at the door, Thomas handed his keys to Lafayette's to unlock it and let everyone inside. John's shivering intensified as he stepped inside as AC was still left on from over the summer and inside the house was far colder then the weather outside. "Go dry off in the bathroom," the Virginian ordered of John. "I'll get you some sweats."

John marched down the hall for the bathroom, but it wasn't until he tried to close the door behind him that he even realized Alex had trailed him as he called out a little, "Hey!"

"Oh, hey," John replied, turning and seeing his roommate. "Sorry, didn't see you there. Did you need something?"

"Yeah, I want out of my wet clothes too," Alex chuckled, but faltered at the worried look on John's face. "C'mon John, you haven't got anything down there that I haven't seen. Trust me."

John bit his bottom lip, thinking of the multitude of scars that ran over his legs and hips and wished that was true. If it was he would've just invited Alex in already, maybe he'd even have more confidence to flirt with him, but instead all he said was, "You don't know that."

"Penis, vagina, something in-between? Seen those. Seen all of those. You can't shock me with any of that, John. Unless you got like, some alien tentacles down there, or like a shark, cuz I haven't seen that before." He smiled teasingly and John gave a small laugh.

"No, no tentacles," John said.

"Damn," Alex sighed in mock disappointment. "A shark then?"

"Maybe."

Alex's smiled turned mischievous then. "Big shark?" he asked. "Little one?"

"It's a full grown great white," John said. He'd thought that would sounded intimidating, but the way Alex smiled up at him let him know immediately that the other man did not think that at all. "Man, I can't control it, if you you come in here it could rear up and bite you." Internally John started screaming at himself. He didn't know where the hell this was going and he was pretty sure it just got really, really weird.

But Alex met him with, "Yeah, I've heard that it's easy to startle shark genitalia. But you know, people with a shark between their legs aren't nearly as dangerous as the media says they are. They get such a bad rep from movies and such, when really the amount of people attacked by someone with shark genitalia is less then those who get zapped by those with lightening bolts in their pants." John laughed,hiding half his face against the door jam; he couldn't help it, Alex was being too sweet to him, matching the absurdity in their conversation. The way he smiled up at John, as if telling him it was okay to be weird made him blush. And the fact that Alex was still topless from their tickling...

John's smiled faded some, as his thoughts wound back through why they were here. "Here," he said, stepping out of the bathroom and holding the door open. "You go ahead and get cleaned up first. I'll wait out here."

"You really can't undress with me?" Alex said, tilting his head to the side and John shook his. "Can I ask why?"

"You can...I don't want to answer tho..."

"Is it..." Alex's voice stalled, his face becoming worried. "Because of what happened...?"

Again John shook his head, though this time with a little less conviction. "I just...can't...I'm sorry..."

"The hell are you two doing?" Thomas said as he walked up with the clothes he'd promised. "And do not tell me it's flirting; Hamilton, we talked about that."

"Oh no, John and I were just discussing his shark genitalia," Alex said with a completely straight face earning a snort of laughter from John and double-take of shock from Thomas between the two of them.

"The hell?!"

"I have a shark in my pants," John said, trying to match Alex's nonplussed look and falling just short as he struggled not to giggle.

"And honestly, you do a really good job of hiding it, John," Alex pretended to compliment him. "I can't even tell from here."

"Thanks."

"Am I the only one who has not lost his goddamn mind today?" Thomas asked. "Here, John, these are for you," he said and handed him half the clothes in his hands. "Go change in my room or something. Hamilton...you can just have these..." And he handed the rest of the clothes to Alex. "Not sure what's gunna fit you in that pile, but it's all stuff from old girlfriends who haven't come by to collect any of it, sooo..." Alex hooked a pinky under the strap of a small lace and string bikini and held it up with a raised brow. "You're welcome," Thomas said.

"Umm, Thomas?" John said, his voice going low. "J'ai besoin de ta trousse de secours."

But Thomas only looked at him with a perplexed look. "In English?"

John glanced at Alex then back to Thomas, trying to get him to understand he didn't want to alarm the other man. "La trousse de secours," he repeated and tried to mime not so obviously bandaging his arm. "La trousse de secours?"

"Saying it again doesn't make me understand it better John. LAF!"

"Oui?" the call came from down the hall.

"What does la trousse de secours mean?"

"The medical kit, the one you keep in the bathroom!"

John shook his head and covered his face with a hand; of course now Alex caught on to what was being said and he looked worriedly between John and Thomas. The taller man stepped past him and went to dig out what John has asked of him, so Alex leaned over to ask, "John are you—"

"I'm fine," John snapped, not looking at him. "It's fine. I don't want to talk about it, Alex. Just leave it alone."

"Here," Thomas said as he came back and held out the unmistakable first aid box. "Next time just ask in English."

"Next time have some fucking tact, goddammit," John growled at him. He grabbed the box out from Thomas's hands and turned to march down the hall but stopped and whirled back around angrily as someone caught his arm. John was ready to scream, but checked himself as Alex worriedly looked back at him.

"Hey," he said softly. "I know it's a real hassle having a shark in your pants, but you don't have to be ashamed asking for a first aid kit in case it bites you while you're dressing yourself, okay? That's just shark genitalia 101, right?"

John's anger completely deflated. Of course he knew Alex was just trying to make him feel better, playing along to something absurd, giving him a playful excuse to brush off his embarrassment with. Alex gave him a small and kind smile, and John returned it weakly. "Yeah," he said. "It is..." Alex let him go and John felt slightly better about the situation as he made his way to Thomas's bedroom.

"You know John doesn't have a shark for a dick, right?" Thomas asked Alex once John had shut his bedroom door.

"He does as far as he wants me to know," Alex said. "Here's a better question tho, if I asked you why he wanted that first aid kit, would you even tell me?"

"...No," Thomas replied.

"I didn't think so." Alex shrugged. "Shark dick it is then."

John closed the door to Thomas's bedroom behind him and sighed. It was barely even noon and he was already ready for this day to be over with. He wished he could relax and enjoy Alex's charm more, but that was difficult to do in public where anyone could see them. It was fine when he played Lin to tease and play with him, but now that John was encountering it in his daily life it would very quickly become a problem if they weren't careful.

He laid the clothes and kit out on the bed Thomas had and looked up to the full body mirror he hand hanging on his closet. He saw at once how flushed he was...and felt how warm he'd gotten just talking to Alex as he began to peel off his clothes. He knew he should be quick about changing, but as he slid his pants down he thought of Alex's hands pulling them off, slow and deliberate and teasing him. He'd chuckle as he'd reach his hand down, kissing John's cheek and murmur, 'well, it's not a shark,' right in his ear as he took hold of John. He felt the wall against his back and he braced himself a little better, sliding his eyes closed, one hand around his warming cock as the other pushed his damp shirt up, the fabric teasing his nipples. He just touched himself teasing light, pumping loosely as he imagined Alex would, feeling how that made him grow harder. And he'd let Alex play with him, work him up to quiet little gasps and grunts, tease him with kisses till his legs trembled and he wanted to beg for more. He was about to tighten his hand and quicken his pace when he heard the door open beside him.

"Mon amie, what tea would you li—"

John gasped and tried to pull his shirt down to cover himself while snapping his legs shut, but it was too late. He knew at once by Lafayette's face that he'd been caught red handed in the act of masturbating. Frowning hard, Lafayette stepped fully into the room and shut the door behind him. "Is now really the best time for this, John?" he asked, gesturing to John's crotch. "When you are injured? In the middle of your friend's bedroom?"

"I just—I had a need—"

"No, you do not need to touch yourself in the middle of the day. Tell yourself to wait and put it away," Lafayette demanded. He walked over to the bed, opening the first aid kit and started pulling out the things John would need. "You need to change out of those wet bandages, you need to put on some dry clothes. Those are needs, John. This," he gestured to John's fading erection, "is a want. You want to touch yourself, but you do not need to touch yourself. There is a difference."

John knew exactly what this was as soon as Lafayette started chastising him; he was being punished. When they were still sleeping together, Lafayette had developed a simple little system of classic Pavlov conditioning for him. If John refrained from cutting himself that day, he got rewarded with a happy affectionate Lafayette who was willing to do whatever John asked of him. If he hurt himself, Lafayette's affections came a little more sternly and he would refrain form giving John anything he wanted. He never denied him what he needed, but if John was hoping to be fucked after cutting into himself an hour earlier, it certainly wouldn't be by Lafayette. The longest he had ever gone without breaking skin was seven months, and that was more because he wanted Lafayette to keep sleeping with him. Fresh cuts earned him a pitying look, a long winded and very worn speech about why he needed to stop, and a cuddle session where Lafayette would run his hands over everywhere but where John wanted to be touched. Old scars got him deep kisses and a deeper penetration. He'd always thought it was bullshit that Lafayette had done that but, then again, it had worked. For a while anyway.

He knew he could argue, he'd done so before, but it was never a fight he'd won without feeling guilty and ashamed of himself afterwards. There wasn't anything he could say to justify hurting himself to his best friend, no excuse that Lafayette had ever accepted from him. And it would seem that that conditioning still held some sway over him because now that Lafayette was in the room, talking down to him like a little kid, he felt the flush that had graced his body a moment ago leave him. He didn't deserve to have such sinful thoughts about Alex; he'd been bad. He'd hurt himself and if Alex knew what John had done he'd side with Lafayette and tell John not to think of him like that.

"Take your shirt off," Lafayette told him and John complied without argument. "Sit on the bed here, and turn your legs out."

"I can dress my own wounds, Laf," John said. "I don't need you to stand there and breath down my neck about it." He peeled away the wet gauze and tape, throwing them away in the garbage. "They aren't even bleeding that bad anymore, they probably don't even need bandages..."

"I think that you do. They are still open wounds and you will get an infection if you do not keep them clean. Here." Lafayette handed him a cotton pad soaked in hydrogen peroxide. "Wipe only one leg with this, I will make you another one."

Begrudgingly John complied, forcing down his feelings of vulnerability and fear. He knew Lafayette wasn't going to hurt him. He knew the man was trying to help, that his actions came from a place of concern and love. But tears began to well in John's eyes as he sat naked and exposed before the other man and he tried not to think of all the ways Lafayette could pin him down and...

No.

No Lafayette wasn't going to do that to him. Lafayette would never do that to him. Lafayette loved him.

"Why are you crying?" he heard the French man ask him, and a hand cupped his face to brush away the tears. "Mon amie, what is wrong?"

"Nothing," John said, pushing at his tears, trying to get a grip on the hyperventilating that was settling over him. "It's nothing. I'm sorry—just get me—my bandages...please..." He pushed Lafayette's hand away and prayed the man would take a fucking hint.

For a moment no other contact was made, as the French man turned back to the first aid kit and dug out some ointment, uncapping it, holding it out before John and waiting patiently until John took it from his hand. He didn't like the way he was watched as he smeared the cream over his wounds, but at least Lafayette wasn't trying to force John to let him do it. He took the tube back and handed John a new gauze pad and the medical tape he would need to hold it in place. As he finished dressing his wounds he was relieved when the French man fetched the sweatpants lent to him, scrunching each leg up and kneeling before John to help him dress. He pulled the fabric up, helping John to stand and hitching the elastic waistband up and over John's trembling hips. He kept a hand on John as he reached for the shirt, also helping his friend into the oversized garment.

As the fabric fell down around his abdomen, John felt a stronger sense of security wash over him. Now at least when Lafayette hugged him he didn't feel exposed and on the verge of freaking out. He even wrapped his own arms around the French man's neck, the way his little sister always did to him when she wanted to be picked up, and the warmth and familiar way they embraced calmed him. The scent of lavender and ylang-ylang filled his nose, the same damn perfume the man had worn in all the years John had known him. He nuzzled his face deeper against his friend's neck, comforted by the better memories he associated with it.

"Are you better?" Lafayette asked him, his voice low and gentle. He ran his hands up and down John's back, obviously trying to sooth him and after a moment it began working. Against him John nodded and was met with a kiss. "Will you tell me what upset you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Is it because you are mad I scolded you?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Laf."

John felt his friend sigh and hugged him tighter. "Je t'aime," he said kissing John's neck. "Do you want to lay down for a moment? Take a rest?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then do that. I need to take your clothes to Thomas, but I will bring you some tea, oui?"

John let his best friend go, nodding in agreement and sat back on the bed. Lafayette kissed the top of his head once then closed up the first aid kit and brought it with him as he left the room, stopping only to pick up John's wet and dirty clothes on his way out. John looked around at Thomas's room, a space that felt almost weird to be in without the man himself sprawled out in some area of it, talking about something John couldn't give two shits about. He picked at the hem of the shirt, some obnoxiously orange t-shirt with a jack-o-lantern face on it that he was just swimming in, and scooted around on the bed until he could look out the window that Thomas had set his bed against. There wasn't much to look at outside but a large shady oak tree with leaves that hadn't yet caught on to summer's end and squirrels running along some of it's branches looking for nuts to collect for the winter.

He wasn't going to sleep. His anxiety was no longer low enough to allow sleep to have him, and even if it was he never really liked sleeping the day away anyhow, which he knew Lafayette would let him do if he fell asleep here and now. Besides, everything in the room smelled like the obnoxious cloud of Axe body spray that was Thomas and that in and of itself set him on edge. But honestly if John had to keep dealing with people right now, even people he liked, he knew his mood would likely explode. So he was grateful for the quiet room and the moment to himself as he just sat on Thomas's bed and watched the squirrels outside chase each other around for nuts.

END CHAPTER

A/N: I'm sorry I keep forgetting to update this. FFnet seems to be DEAD lately sooo..._;;