CHAPTER 18:

"Uhhh, hi," John said awkwardly as his eyes fell upon the guard now looking at him from his post. "I remember you..."

"Oak," the guard filled in. "It's John, right?"

"Right, yeah," John said as he extended his hand, unsure of what else to do. To his relief, Oak shook it with a small smile. "I was, umm, told you would show me out—wait, do you...do you work for the bar or Leslie?"

"You're talking about the man who lives upstairs?" John felt a knot of worry tighten in his stomach as he nodded. "Yeah I work for him. You involved with him?"

"Uh...well..." He felt his face heating up, a kneejerk response to being accused of being involved with a man. But then John remembered he'd tried to hit on Oak before so there was no point in hiding that he was gay. He was security detail for a gay bar for crying out loud, what did John have to be ashamed of? "I...I only just met him last night. Um...one—one night stand kind of thing..."

"Hmm," Oak replied, looking John over. "You didn't hear this from me, but whatever business you have with that man needs to end. Now."

"What? What do you mean?"

"What do you mean what do I mean? I didn't tell you anything."

"But you just said—" A ringing in John's pocket made him jump as he didn't recognize it and he pulled out Alex's phone, seeing Lafayette's number come up on the ID. He swiped the green circle and held the device to his ear, too distracted now to notice the way Oak now eyed him with suspicion. "Hey Laf, what's up?"

"Bonjour mon amour. I am outside. Are you ready yet or should we wait?"

"I'll be out in a minute. See you soon."

"Your friend from last night?" Oak asked as John hung up the phone.

"What? Oh. Yeah, that was Laf. Was he...he didn't give you too much trouble last night, did he? I'm really sorry, he can be pushy and childish at the worst times, I know."

"You want my advice kid? Don't take your ex out while you're looking for your next hookup or relationship. It's fine if y'all wanna be friends, but you got to remember whatever you had with him is over and you're trying to move on, right? Well, you ain't gunna be able to do that if he's hanging around passing judgments on the people you talk too. You can love what you had with him, but you need to honor that it's over and keep it separate from what you're trying to build with someone else."

John nodded his agreement, strangely finding the notion liberating. "But...I shouldn't see Leslie again?"

"The door to outside is that way," Oak answered, pointing to a different door John hadn't seen or come through last night. "Before you go tho, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah?"

"Where'd you get that popsocket on your phone?"

"What?" John looked at Alex's phone still in his hand, noticing for the first time the thing stuck to the back of it, a stereotypical popsocket button that could fold out to allow easier ability to hold the device, a tiny picture of a monkshood flower on it. "Oh, uhh, this actually isn't my phone, it's my roommate's. He left it at my friends house when he left, I figured it would make it back to him sooner with me."

"Is your roommate's name Alex?"

"Uh, yeah. Hamilton, Alex Hamilton. You...you know him?"

"Yeah, and I recognized that phone as his."

"Oh wow, small world. I'll have him text you when I give it back, I'm not trying to steal it or anything. And wow, you are really perceptive."

Oak gestured to his uniform. "It's my job. Tell him to text me that password we have when checking in with each other. And do me a favor, remind him it's not the old password but the new one. Kid can space the weirdest details sometimes."

"Right," John said with a nod. "Look, I gotta go before Laf tries to tear his way in here looking for me, I don't wanna make your job difficult. It was nice talking with you."

"You too kid, be safe."

"Same." John gave a little salute and turned to leave, stepping out into the fresh morning air. He spotted the car Lafayette was waiting in immediately, only one idling among an almost empty parking lot, and headed for it. "Morning Laf," he said as he pulled open the door and climbed in.

"Good morning, mon cher!" his best friend greeted him with a hug and several kisses among his face and neck. "Sooo, how was it? Did you have fun? Tell me everything."

"It was..." John started but remembered the advice Oak had just given him. "It was good. I had fun."

"And? Tell me more!"

"What else is there to say, really? You wanted me to go out and go home with a guy, so I did."

"You know what I mean. Parlez en français si vous ne voulez pas que le conducteur entende."

"Je pense que je vais garder ce qui m'est arrivé," John replied, happy little smirk in place. Even the suspicious look his friend was now giving him wasn't bothering him. "Vous n'avez pas besoin de connaître tous les détails de ma vie amoureuse maintenant."

"You did not have sex with him," Lafayette said and John actually laughed at the accusatory tone. "You did not even go home with him. Did you just sleep in the club all night?"

"What, you don't believe I had sex last night?"

"If you did you would tell me about it."

"Or, I just want to keep some things to myself now."

"You did not go home with him, and you did not have sex with him. Do not lie to me."

"I'm not."

Lafayette scrutinized for a moment more but something in John's face must've convinced him John was right because he broke and said, "Come on, please tell me what happened?"

"I went home with I guy I just met and I had sex with him and it wasn't the end of the world when I didn't tell my best friend all about it the next day. The end."

"I cannot believe you! You are really not going to tell me anything?!"

"Laf look, I love you but I think this is an area I should maybe keep to myself for a while. You know, it just feels like sometimes I hold on to what we had too much, and I'm not gunna get over that by letting you into something you have no business knowing now." John watched his friend turn to face the front of the car with an upset look on his face. For a moment Lafayette seemed to stew in those emotions, before simply shaking his head and pulling out his phone, going about typing furiously. "Are you...mad at me?"

"Non," the French man replied curtly without looking over. "You may do whatever you want."

"You're mad at me," John said. "Why? Because I wouldn't tell you how I fucked a stranger?"

"I said I am not mad, John Anthony Laurens. Leave it alone now."

"You only use my full name when you're mad or upset."

Lafayette turned more towards the door on his side of the car and said nothing more, and John understood the conversation to be over. He fiddled with his hands, looked out at the scenery that passed them by and tried not to let his growing anxiety over his best friend's silent treatment make him break down and tell the man everything.

When Alex woke up the following day and still found John's bed empty he began to worry. By the looks of things John had never even come back last night. The fact that his phone was left back at a house he didn't know how to get to posed a big problem as well, since he couldn't call anyone for either that information nor did he have John's number memorized to ask anyone else to borrow theirs. Even an anxious visit to the local Starbucks that James worked at yielded no results, as Alex was informed that was his day off and company policy prevented them from giving out his number to customers. Alex figured he could tweak the truth and say it was an emergency, that his roommate had been missing for 24 hours, but of course he also figured the basic truth was that John had just spent the night at Lafayette's or Thomas. And Alex almost couldn't tell if that was worse. What if John hated him? What if, in the 48 hours they had known each other John was so utterly fed up with Alex and found him so utterly deplorable that he'd rather spend the night with Thomas, a man he despised, just to keep away from Alex? What if John had told Lafayette how much he hated Alex, and then Lafayette had told Thomas, and then Thomas told James and now they all hated him and thought he was stupid and annoying? What if they were laughing at him behind his back and talking trash about him and spreading rumors? What if they told Angelica and Angelica told Eliza and now even she hated Alex? What if John hated him so much he was telling his teachers what an annoying fuck up he thought Alex was, and then his teachers would tell every other teacher, and then it would reach Benjamin and then even he would hate Alex? What if Ben told Aaron he could no longer stand the sight of Alex and then Aaron fired him? He'd be kicked out of school and lose his job and be back on the streets with nothing to his name and no where to go, and no work experience, and a college expulsion on his record but not just any college, HARVARD College! Do other colleges even accept people who were expelled from places like Harvard?! And what would he do for money or food?!

He was catastrophizing; making ordinary things into world ending events in his mind and driving himself mad. There were probably a million and one reasons why John hadn't come back to the dorm yet, all of them normal, simple things. Perhaps when Thomas had returned from...wherever it was that he'd been, he'd had a couple drinks and then gone to bed, therefore stranding John with him at his house. There that was a logical, reasonable explanation. Perhaps John had accidentally taken his sleeping pills too early and Thomas didn't want to carry him home. There, another perfectly sound, solid explanation. Maybe Lafayette had dragged John off somewhere and they had crashed safe and sound on the far side of town and Thomas had gotten home and gone to bed before realizing he should have brought John back. A third excellent explanation that made sense.

His nervous energy didn't settle down however, even after a longer morning walk then usual. The mocha double-shot espresso Mimi had given him wasn't helping much either. Likely nothing else was gunna settle him down until he returned to the dorm, opened the door and saw—

"JOHN!"

His roommate screamed as his name was called and Alex all but threw his drink down on John's desk as he rushed the guy and threw his arms around him. "You had me worried sick! Where have you been?!"

"Jesus, miss me much?" John laughed as Alex let him go. "I went out to breakfast with Lafayette."

"What about last night? Where were you?"

John looked uneasy for a moment, his eyes shifting away from Alex. "I went out."

"All night?!"

"Yeah," John said with a touch of annoyance to his voice. "So what of it? You're not my mother, Alex."

"No, I know, I just...I thought maybe—maybe you didn't like me, maybe I'd fucked something up. Maybe I said the wrong thing or—or—or maybe I talk too much, maybe you think I'm annoying? Or maybe you were in a wreck, or you got hurt somehow, or something happened—"

"Hey, hey, hey," John said as he put his hands on Alex's shoulders and gave them a little squeeze. "Take it from the guy with anxiety, you're worrying way too much right now and need to chill."

"Sorry...I know, you're okay now." Alex heaved a deep sigh. "That's what matters."

John gave Alex a curious little smirk. "Why are you so worked up anyway? Did you drink like six more pots of coffee?"

"Noooooo!" Alex said with a mocking tone to his voice. "You just didn't come home last night, I was worried. And stupid me, I left my phone at Thomas', so I couldn't call or text you to be sure you were okay."

"Ah, yeah," John said as he dug out the device and wallet that belonged to Alex. "Here you go. I would have brought your clothes, but those stayed at Thomas's house. He's demanding the clothes you walked off with first." He handed them over and Alex heaved a loud sigh of relief to be in possession of his most valuable belongings again. "Uh, I ran into your friend Oak while I was out and he recognized your phone, so he wants you to text him that new password you guys have to make sure I gave it back."

"Oh! You met Oak?" Alex asked. "Was he working?"

"Yeah," John replied. "He's some kind of security guard for a night club?"

"Right! Yeah, that's right...it's mostly undercover stuff, so like, don't out him to anyone, okay?"

"What do nightclubs want undercover security for?"

"Hey, you get that many people within close proximity of each other and give them all a lot of alcohol, anyone would want extra security that isn't glaringly obvious for the assurance that things won't get too far out of hand. So you were out at Imitable last night then, huh?"

John heaved a sigh. "Alex, please don't grill me about this. The last thing I want right now is to be interrogated about where I was, and who I was with, and what I was doing. It's none of Laf's business, it's none of Thomas' business, and it's certainly none of your business, okay?!" Alex stepped back and put his hands up and John realized he'd snapped at him unnecessarily. "I'm sorry, I just..." He sighed and shook his head. "I don't know...I don't know what I need..."

"You don't need to tell me anything you don't want too, John. I was only asking about the club cuz, well, I know where my buddy Oak works. I wanted to know if you liked it, that's all."

"It was...fine..."

"Okay," Alex said and moved to his side of the room. He busied himself with flipping through his messages until he found the one he had with Oak and texted him, 'Hey man, John just gave me my phone back. What password did you expect me to use, we don't have one of those?' The silence that otherwise filled the room wasn't going to bother him. Nope. No way. Nah.

"Is that..." John started to say, but then his voice trailed off as he lost his nerve when Alex glanced back over to him.

"Is that what?" Alex prompted gently.

"Is that it? You don't want to ask anything else?"

"You didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it."

"I don't," John said, but looked confused by his own words. "I just thought you might ask to know more."

Alex shrugged as if it didn't matter. "We can talk when you want to talk."

"You're mad at me."

"I most certainly am not," Alex replied, interrupted on the tail end of his words by his phone ringing. He glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Oak. Without another thought to it, Alex answered his phone with, "Yellow?"

"Ahh, so he did give it back," Oak's voice came through the line. "Just wanted to be sure."

"Yeah, everything's cool man. You know how I am with technology sometimes and John is good people." Alex smiled at his roommate and winked just to be cheeky.

"Alright, as long as everything checks out. I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah man. Take care."

"Stay safe, Alex."

"No you. Bye." Alex hung up the phone and slipped it back into his pocket. "That was just Oak. Don't tell him I told you this but sometimes I think he's more paranoid then me, heh."

"Is Oak good people?" John asked, sitting down on his bed and folding his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, I trust him. Why, he didn't give you a hard time about having my phone did he?"

"He told me I shouldn't tell Laf about new relationships I might be thinking about pursuing."

Alex raised a brow. "Really? Did he tell you why?"

"No, just that it I needed to love him from a distance to honor what we had, or something. It made sense when he said it."

"Well, you might have to ask him more about it." Alex smiled brightly. "I'll go with you next time and we can hit on cuties together, if you want! And we can hang around Oak and bother him while he tries to work!"

"Won't he get in trouble?"

"Nah, he's good at his job. As long as we get out of his way when he needs to go break something up we'd actually be doing him a service." John went quiet as he thought about Alex's offer, and the worried look he wore did not escape his roommate's notice. "John, is everything okay?"

"I don't...I don't know if I want to date anyone else again..."

"Why?" Alex asked, moving to come sit next to John on his bed. "Did something happen—You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want too, but I'll listen if you need too."

John's eyelids fluttered as his eyes glassed over with the sheen of emotion. Damnit, he didn't want to cry today, for fuck's sake could he not get through a single day now without nearly having a fucking breakdown? "It's just that...I went out with Laf last night, and I decided...I feel like an idiot saying this, but I decided I wanted to...to have...to go home with..." He huffed, feeling frustrated with the fear he felt even admitting the words. "God I just wanted to be fucked, okay?"

"Okay," Alex said easily. "That's perfectly normal, plenty of people do that. So what happened next?"

"I...I met a guy."

"Was he cute?"

John let out a breath of laughter, and smiled a little. "Yeah, he was."

"Cuter then you?"

"Alex, focus."

"Okay, I'm imagining a guy who's cute but not too cute, go ooon..."

"Well, I did it, I spent the night at his place and...that's all well and good, until I wake up the next morning and find all these messages on my phone from my friends thinking I was murdered, even though they knew where I was...And then I talk to Oak, and he makes this stupid point and I think he seems like a reasonable guy and that makes a lot of sense...And then Laf picks me up and starts asking me questions about if I enjoyed myself and what exactly happened, and yeah, okay, I did...enjoy...myself, but I just think, because of what Oak said, like I don't have to tell him everything that happened, right? So I don't, and he kinda tries to push it and I tell him I just wanted to keep that experience to myself and...then he got all quiet on me like he was mad...and I think he is, but that's so stupid because I don't think I did anything wrong, right? And then he takes me out to breakfast, and he won't meet my eyes, and he's not saying anything really to me, but Thomas calls during our meal, and Laf is talking to him saying that I didn't really sleep with the guy I left with, and Thomas didn't like the guy so I thought at first that he was just telling Thomas that to calm him down and protect me, but then he tells him that I'm saying I did and he's just refusing to believe me, so now I'm mad at my best friend, and he's having this conversation in the middle of a crowded restaurant where anyone can hear him and he knows that I don't like that, it makes me really uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene so I just have to sit there listening to my best friend call me a lair to his best friend and I can't say or do anything because I don't want any attention drawn to us. And then he gets off the phone and says we should go out again tonight and maybe this time all I should do is practice talking with guys so I can practice telling the truth or something and then he talks over me when I try to tell him he's acting like an ass and is just talking about his stupid store or something, and I just don't know what to say or do because my feelings are hurt and I just wanted to go home and next thing I know I'm standing outside of our dorm and he's hugging me telling me he didn't mean to make me panic and I...just...feel like...an idiot..."

As Alex put his arms around John to hug him he turned to bury his wet face in the crook of Alex's shoulder. The sobs weren't hard, but John's shoulders still shook and he took breaths and tried to calm down from the emotions he felt bubbling up inside him. Unsure of what to say, Alex made sure to squeeze him affectionately and whisper sweet nothings that he should let it all out and that John was okay as he swept his loose hair from his face. "Am I stupid?" John asked in between sobs.

"No!" Alex protested gently. "John, of course not; why would you think that?"

"Because I made my best friend mad at me...And I don't know what else I could tell him that would convince him I was telling the truth—"

"John, look at me, look at me," Alex carefully moved his roommate back up off his shoulder and wiped at the last of his tears. "Your best friend is not acting like your best friend here, okay? He's acting like a jerk. And I have no idea why he's being that way, okay, I can't tell you anything about that. But I can tell you that best friends do not invalidate your experiences or your feelings like this, okay? They tell you the guy you're dating is a jerk and to dump him because he won't tip the waitress or he kicked a puppy and laughed about it, not because you want to keep your sex life private from them. And you do not have to tell Lafayette any details about your sex life, wither he's your best friend or not! If you want to sleep with every gay guy in town and not tell a soul, guess what? That's your choice. If you wanna sleep with every gay guy in town and tell everyone but Lafayette, you know what else? Still your choice. If you don't wanna fuck anyone, if you only wanna flirt with cute boys and make them chase you and tease them all, and let everyone think you're fucking every guy in town and still not tell him what's going on, then you know what? You go right ahead and if Lafayette is mad about any of that, then he can just be maaaaaad about that. You guys dated once before, right?" John nodded meekly. "Well, if he wanted to be with you he would have found a way to make that work out. Since he didn't, he can step off now. He's no longer entitled to know about your body and what you do with it, okay?"

John's face contorted in emotional pain again, new tears brimming in his eyes. Alex looked worried, since that wasn't exactly the response he'd been looking for and hugged John once more, who only shook his head when Alex asked if he'd said something wrong. John sniffled and suppressed little sobs against his roommate's shoulder for a moment more before he started to settle down. One of Alex's arms stayed firmly and tightly around just above his waist, applying enough pressure to be calming. The other hand moved in circles up and down John's back. "...I...I don't want to go out with him again tonight," John muttered against Alex's neck. He thought Alex wouldn't hear him or understand as most of it was pressed into the fabric of his shirt.

"So, don't go out with him," Alex said instead.

"What do I tell him?"

"Tell him the truth, you don't want to go out tonight."

"What if he tries to make me?"

"Tell him to fuck off."

"What if I can't?"

"Tell him if I get back from work and find you gone I'm gunna hunt him down and beat his ass for dragging you out against your will." He let John shift to sit up on his own and pet his arm a few times before bringing his hands to rest in his lap, trying to respect how John may or may not want to be touched. "And I mean it, you just leave me a note or text me whats up and I'll come help you as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Alex...that means a lot to me that you'd do that..."

"That's what friends do for each other. Kick the ass of your other friends who are acting like jerks." He smiled to see John try to give him a soft but weak smile of his own. "Or, if he wants you to go out and talk to guys, I could come be the guy that talks to you, and you could drape yourself all over me at the club, and we'll make a big fuck off show of tongue fucking each other, and I'll say you screwed me so hard into my mattress it's pregnant now."

John gave a single laugh. "No, that's...wait, the mattress is pregnant?"

"Yeah. That's what happens when you fuck a guy really good."

"Laf wouldn't even believe I topped."

"Then tell him I fucked you however you like. Make up whatever story you want, I'll back you up 100%." He grinned for a moment at the way John's face flushed a deeper shade and his eyes had to dart away to look at something else, god John looked so innocent and shy; then details of their conversation from the day before pinged through Alex's mind and he became aware that he might have been making John uncomfortable. "Or, like I said, you don't have to tell him anything, and if he asks me for details I'll annoy him by saying I respect you too much to kiss and tell."

"You're...really a sweet guy, Alex...I don't want you to get caught up in useless drama tho."

"You know, if you and I kissed in front of Thomas I'm pretty sure it would give him an aneurysm too." John laughed a little then and now his smile was more genuine. He looked over softly at Alex, and Alex smirked as he studied the little freckle patterns on John's face. "But it's all up to you what you wanna do, got it? I'm not gunna make you do anything, Lafayette and Thomas can't make you do anything, and if anyone says anything different, then I'll fight them."

"Thanks, Alex. For always knowing just what to say to help me feel better."

"Of course," Alex replied. "It's cuz I like you a lot. And you like me back, right?"

John slowly nodded. "Yeah. I like you a lot too."

"Good." Alex grinned at John and bumped his head against John's shoulder. "Then that's enough for me."

END CHAPTER