A/N : RusGer in marriage counseling. That is all.
EOS
Eduard had been a marriage counselor for a very long time.
He had seen everything there was to see (some things he really wished he hadn't), had seen the most awkward interactions of men and women and women and women and men and men.
He had had a woman take her wedding ring off right there on Eduard's couch and throw it into her husband's face.
He had had another woman come in holding a pair of lacey underwear, which she shook in Eduard's face and screeched, 'Does this look like mine? Do I look like I can fit into these?' ('No,' Eduard had droned without thinking, 'That's about a hundred kilo difference.' —that was the only time Eduard had ever been slapped.)
He had had one man throw his hands in the air and cry, 'Everyone in town is being ridden but me!'
He had had one woman point at her wife and accuse, 'She wants me to be my sister, I know it!'
He had had one man cross his arms huffily, as his husband behind him begged, 'I didn't mean it when I said that your friend was hot, this was twenty-two years ago, for god's sake!'
He had seen some things, but, oh man, the most difficult couple he had ever had, by far, had been Ludwig and Ivan.
Eduard was stubborn, determined, liked his job, but there were times when he sighed and wished that those two mules had never walked through his goddamn door.
He had known, somehow, the second he had laid eyes upon those two that he had his work cut out for him. They seemed rather standard on paper, as he had looked over the application and assumed this would be another normal day. Just two men that had had a falling out after ten years of marriage and wanted to seek a little advice. Ludwig was thirty-three. Ivan was forty-two. Men who had married young and now were having a crisis. A very normal application.
Eduard had seen the previous couple out, took a few minutes to chug a coffee and get his head back on, and had naively called Ludwig and Ivan in.
And oh, he hadn't known it then, but what a mistake he had made!
Ludwig came in first, and Eduard had observed him with a quirked brow. Ludwig was tall, pale, very handsome, and very well-built. The palest blue eyes Eduard had ever seen, and they were very piercing, very stern, very cold, pinning Eduard down the very second Ludwig had looked at him. Ludwig looked like a weightlifter, for sure, had that very condescending and haughty air of superiority about him. A big guy, strong and virile. He was dressed very nicely, though, in a professional button-down and tie, black slacks and shined shoes. Eduard had taken one look at Ludwig and thought that Ludwig was certainly the problematic half of this duo, the kinda guy that lived in the gym and was too handsome for his own good, one that was always flirted with and therefore a cause for insecurity in his partner. Eduard had already labeled Ludwig the 'problem' spouse.
But then Ivan had walked in.
Holy shit—
Eduard had actually had to crane his neck a little bit to look up at Ivan, because if Eduard had thought that Ludwig was big then Ivan was massive. Ludwig suddenly looked far smaller when he stood next to Ivan, the top of Ludwig's head coming up to Ivan's shoulder. Ivan was less handsome than his partner, but about twice his size. Tawny hair, longer than Ludwig's and quite messy, pale grey eyes hooded and tired looking despite Ivan no doubt being wide awake. Ivan's features contrasted sharply with Ludwig's. Entirely opposite. Ivan's prominent and hooked nose was a far cry from Ludwig's straight bridge and upturned tip. Ivan's low cheeks, to Ludwig's high ones. Ivan's jaw was short, square, wide, to Ludwig's longer face. Ivan may not have been as gorgeous as his spouse, but he didn't need to be; with his size and that absurdly confident way he carried himself, face full of arrogance and chin high, expression condescending, Ivan was certainly eye-catching. He was wearing a wife-beater, cargo pants, sneakers, a very striking contrast to Ludwig's professional attire, and Eduard was pretty sure Ivan just liked showing off his enormous arms and chest. The man was an absolute tank, physically impressive, and yet also seemed very insufferable in many ways.
Eduard wasn't sure, suddenly, who the 'problem' spouse was.
Eduard glanced at Ludwig, then at Ivan, then at Ludwig, then at his couch, as he did quick math up in his head and made sure these two heavy piles of muscle wouldn't break the damn thing.
Eh. Shoulda been alright, the old Soviet piece of crap.
Eduard looked back and forth between big and bigger, sighed through his nose, and finally waved them over to the couch. They sat down, Eduard winced at the creak, the gap between them very pronounced, and Eduard sat down in front of them, unable to keep himself from raking them up and down.
Might have been in shock.
Wasn't everyday he had a pair of bodybuilders in his office.
As soon as they sat down, Ivan leaned back into the couch, big arms thrown behind his head arrogantly, one leg crossed over the over, practically oozing superiority, and Ludwig twisted a little at the waist, arms crossed over his chest and glaring off into nothing, lips pursed.
Hm. Alright.
Eduard's eyes trailed over Ivan's biceps and triceps, out on display as they were, and he immediately scribbled on his notepad, 'bigger is already attempting to assert dominance; big is annoyed.'
Ludwig was indeed annoyed, as he glared off at the wall and kept himself as far away from Ivan as possible, which wasn't easy because big-ass Ivan took up nearly the entire damn couch, splayed out as he was.
Eduard took a deep breath, smiled, and then said, as casually as possible, "Good afternoon. Ludwig. Ivan. So, what brings you two into my office today? I see we're having some tensions. Let's talk about it a little."
Ludwig sat back correctly, arms still crossed, and met Eduard's eyes.
When Ludwig opened his mouth to speak, however, Ivan cut him off to say, in a very pretty, soft, breathy voice that did not at all match that scary man, "I just want you to make him stop nagging me."
Eduard, pen on paper and scribbling effortlessly without even looking down, watched as Ludwig snapped his intense gaze over to his husband and barked, to Eduard, "I just want you to give me reasons why I shouldn't murder him."
Ludwig's voice was very deep, very gruff, guttural and rumbling, yet another contrast to his partner. Eduard felt like Ivan and Ludwig's voices should have been switched, from the look of them. It was kinda funny.
Ivan scoffed, very derisively, and grunted under his breath, "I'd like to see you try."
Ludwig's pale face was very red from anger, and Eduard was silent for a moment.
Should have put some rum in his coffee.
Ludwig's posture was very tense, very stiff, yet again at odds with Ivan's lofty and arrogant posture of effortlessness and confidence.
It was pretty clear for Eduard to see that both of them were the 'problem' spouse, and that happened fairly commonly. Ludwig seemed like a very high-strung housewife, whereas Ivan would be the condescending and insensitive husband. A 'king of the castle' sort of man, and naturally that would have frequently ruffled Ludwig's perfectly preened feathers.
Eduard asked, although he already knew, "How long have you two been married?"
"Ten long years," Ivan answered.
"Ten very long years," Ludwig added.
Ivan was still splayed out, the hair under his arms sticking out from beneath his shirt, chest hair poking out at the top, and his head turned in Ludwig's direction, the sneer spreading across his face without any effort at all to hide it.
Ludwig was staring at Eduard, so piercingly that Eduard felt the need to squirm.
"And how long have you been together?"
"Eleven," they answered in unison.
Eduard nodded, and quipped, "You married very quickly. You must have been very in love."
Normally in this circumstance one spouse would grunt, 'Or really stupid', and Eduard waited but neither of them said anything. That might have been a good sign.
They may actually have been very much in love, but both of them seemed quite passionate and sometimes that wasn't a good thing.
A love-hate marriage, perhaps.
"That's great. Here's the deal. We're going to just talk today, figure some things out, and then I'll give you two a little homework to work on until next week. Alright? Good. So, how long have we been having this tension?"
"Always," Ludwig quickly uttered, before Ivan could cut him off again, "Since day one. He's always been this way."
"I'm only this way because you make me this way," Ivan grumbled, his crossed leg falling back down to the floor. "You're enough to drive any man up the wall. How do you want me to be?"
"I've already told you," Ludwig snapped, as he turned his eyes once more to Ivan.
Ivan sat up straight at last, arms falling to his sides as he twisted to stare at Ludwig.
"You tell me a lot of things!" Ivan retorted. "Every day. How the hell am I supposed to keep up with it all? From the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep, you're always telling me something! Come on, baby, I can only listen to so much before I zone out, half the time you're just bitching at me anyway."
Ludwig bristled up, angrily, and shot back, "You never listen! I don't ask for much! If I'm bitching at you, then just assume you deserve it! If you would just listen—"
You know what? Fuck it.
Eduard stood up very abruptly, went over to his desk, opened a drawer and pulled out his bottle of rum, dumped some into a glass, and walked right back to his chair as if nothing had happened. Was pretty sure Ludwig was glaring at him, but could hardly be bothered to care.
Ivan's grey eyes were glaring holes through Ludwig as potently as Ludwig was glaring them through Eduard, as Ivan stared at his spouse, who refused to turn to him and give him the time of day. Ludwig's chin was high, prim, face full of disdain, and Eduard took a sip, settled down for the show, and cleared his throat.
"So, Ivan. Why do you think Ludwig is always nagging you?"
Ivan threw his enormous arms in the air, and said, loudly, "I don't know! I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I can't do anything! No matter what I do, it irritates him. He's like an angry princess. I go out, angry princess. I come back, angry princess. I call him to tell him where I am, angry princess. I don't call him, angry princess! No matter what I do! I can't win. He's worse than a Russian woman! I'm supposed to say 'sorry' and kiss his ass, even if I don't know what I'm saying 'sorry' for, but even when I do, he's still pissed off because then I'm being condescending."
Ludwig snapped his head over, cheeks red and nostrils flared, and retorted, "You are condescending! You treat me like I'm five!" Ludwig changed his voice into a higher pitch, derisive, clearly an unflattering imitation of Ivan, and chirped, "'Oh, it's all in your head, baby!' 'Yeah, yeah, I was listening, really.' 'I swear I'm taking you seriously.' 'Oh, that's no one, don't be silly.' 'Oh, yeah, that's my sister—'"
"That is my sister!" Ivan cried, hands outstretched and fingers curled up as if he were about to strange the life out of Ludwig. "We've been married for ten years, you know goddamn well that that's my sister!"
Ludwig made his voice higher yet, and said, with disgust, "'Vanya!' 'Oh, Vanya, there you are, I'm so happy to see you, you're so handsome.' 'Vanya, do you still think I'm pretty?' 'Oh, Vanya, I miss you so much when we're apart!' 'Vanya, I wish we were always together!' 'Vanya!' 'Vanya!'"
Eduard watched them go at it, two huge, fully grown men mimicking the other like grade-schoolers, and around that time Eduard's pen had stopped forming real words and was just running in circles instead.
When Ludwig stopped imitating Ivan's 'sister', Ivan was the one to imitate Ludwig, by forcing his voice to be gruff and low, crossing his arms over his chest prissily, lifting and lowering his shoulders in turn, and saying, haughtily, "'I don't want your excuses, I want you to tell me the truth.' 'I don't care if you have a birth certificate, there's no way that's your sister.' 'Oh! Lifting heavy again, are we, showing off, are we, trying to impress someone, are we? Who, because it's not me!' 'Why can't you just ever do what I tell you to do?'"
Ludwig interrupted, to shout, "Why can't you?"
"I do!" Ivan screeched right back. "I do everything you want! It still doesn't make you happy! Nothing I ever do is good enough!"
"Because you never listen—"
"Well what about you?" Ivan suddenly accused, eyes wide and brow low, looking positively livid, veins in his neck and forehead very visible. "You're the one always flirting, not me! You and fuckin' Gilbert! I can't ever get you away from him! Every time I call, who are you with? Gilbert. Who's always knocking on our door? Gilbert. Who do you run crying to every time we fight? Gilbert. Who still stays over sometimes and sleeps in your bed? Gilbert. Who kisses you on the lips to say goodbye? Gilbert. You've kissed him more times in ten years than you have me!"
Eduard really wished he had some popcorn suddenly, and took a long swig of rum.
Fascinating.
"That's my brother!" Ludwig retorted, face redder than ever.
Ivan pointed his finger in Ludwig's face, not touching him but coming very close, as he cried, "You're adopted! That's not your brother! Don't you sit here and tell me that's normal!"
Ludwig slapped Ivan's finger away to point his own instead, and they went at it for a little while, each slapping away the other's hand as they hissed and spit like angry cats.
"Natalia kisses you on the lips, too, you bastard! And when she stays over, you walk right into the bathroom to shave while she's taking a shower!"
"We grew up together! She's my actual sister! Why does Gilbert, who is not your actual brother, get to sleep in the bed naked with you? Huh? Tell me that!"
"Because we grew up together—"
...and this was absolutely the last couple of the day.
As Ivan and Ludwig spat at each other, Eduard picked up the phone on the end table beside of him, and said to the receptionist, "Cancel all my other appointments today. We're closing early."
The angry couple on the couch before him didn't even seem to be aware that Eduard was there at all anymore.
In fact, they just kept at it for the next seventeen minutes, poking fingers in each other's chests and faces, cheeks red and very ruffled, completely in their own dysfunctional universe.
And then, just as randomly, they suddenly fell very still, turned away from each other, and back to Eduard.
Eduard looked back and forth between them, pen scribbling mindlessly, and there was a very long silence as Eduard's brain momentarily short-circuited.
Finally, Ivan crossed his huge arms and crankily griped, "Well? What do you have to say?"
Ludwig was glaring holes into Eduard's wall again.
Pen still scratching away, Eduard finally opened his mouth, and grunted, "Sometimes, maybe we should consider divorce."
Ivan huffed, Ludwig gave a deep snarl of frustration that sounded very much like the terrifying growl of a wolf, and Eduard was very quick to clear his throat and change tune.
"That said... I'll see you two next week. If you could not kill each other until then, that would be ideal."
Ludwig finally turned his very piercing eyes to Eduard, and asked, "What's your advice until then? Aren't we supposed to have that 'homework'?"
Ivan's lip curled as he very openly sneered.
"Yes," Eduard quickly said, as he stood up and walked to the door. "That was the homework. Not killing each other was the homework."
He held open the door, very pointedly, and Ludwig lifted his chin snootily, gave a very prim noise of disdain and offense, and pulled himself gracefully to his feet, stalking through the door with his head held high as if he were, indeed, an angry princess.
Ivan huffily stomped after him, boots very heavy on the floor, and Eduard had never been happier to slam the door shut.
He went over, threw himself on the couch, and ran his hands over his face.
Oh, man...
Was not looking forward to this one.
Eight days later, those two bulls were back on Eduard's couch.
Session two.
This time, things were very different, and Eduard immediately noticed that they were sitting up against each other, no gap between them. Eduard would have been glad about it, if he hadn't known that these extremely volatile men were just in one of their 'good' days. He had seen this a hundred times, and before the end of today's session they would once more be at each other's throats.
Ivan lifted up one of his huge arms and rested it over Ludwig's shoulders, and Ludwig leaned up against Ivan quite happily, eyes much less cold and face less stern.
Not an angry princess yet.
Eduard sighed, sat down, and began, "So! How are we feeling today? Did we have any good conversations with each other?"
Ivan smiled, easily, and gave Ludwig a shake.
"Yup! I think we got a lot of stress out last time."
Eduard lifted a droll brow, looking back and forth between them, and Ludwig rested his hand atop Ivan's thigh, offering, "We've been trying to stay calm. He's been listening a little better."
Ivan glanced over, brow twitching, and Eduard could see how condescendingly he was gazing at Ludwig. Like a king looking at a peasant, alright, eyes lidded and lip curled.
Here we go.
Sure enough, Ivan lowered his voice, and grunted, "Well. I don't think I'm doing anything different than I ever have. I always listened."
Ludwig's pale eyes narrowed, sharpened, and Eduard watched as Ludwig withdrew his hand from Ivan's thigh, face already steely.
A low mutter.
"That's news to me."
Ivan sat up straighter, and removed his arm from Ludwig's shoulders.
"Here we go again," Ivan snipped, saying very much what Eduard was thinking. "Every time we're doing well, you have to go and ruin it."
"I'm not ruining it!" Ludwig retorted, as he scooted over and away from Ivan. "You are! Why do you have to speak to me like that? I'm your husband, not your child!"
Once more, the two melted down, as Eduard scribbled away in a daze.
This was going to be a hard one, and Eduard could easily see the uphill battle.
Ten minutes. Fifteen. Twenty. This time, they weren't stopping, were still snitting at each other, and so Eduard finally had to clear his throat and say, loudly, "Settle down, now!"
They turned their heads at the same time to glare at Eduard, and Ludwig threw his hands in the air with a snarl of annoyance, as Ivan sneered.
"Clearly we have a lot to work through here. So. Here's the homework I have for you this week. I want you to go home, and if it's possible, I want you to sleep in separate beds. Every night, before you go to sleep, sit down, and write down one thing about each other that you like. Just one thing. It's not that hard. One thing a night, for a week. Bring them in to me next week. Alright?"
They nodded, crankily, and Eduard shooed them out.
Eduard glanced down at his notes after they had left, and rolled his eyes at himself, because all he had written down was, 'Ivan = condescending king, Ludwig = angry princess, Gilbert = absolutely only a brother, Natalia = totally Ivan's sister.'
Useful.
Session three.
Eduard held his hand out, and Ludwig slapped his paper down in Eduard's palm, and then Ivan did the same.
Eduard read them, and removed his glasses to run a hand wearily over his eyes.
Ludwig's list had seven lines, and each of them read, 'I cannot think of anything.'
Ivan's list had two lines, the first of which read, 'He's hot', the second of which read, 'He's hot', and then the rest of the page was blank, because apparently Ivan couldn't come up with anything else.
Eduard contemplated banging his forehead on his own desk, but went for his rum instead.
The next step in therapy was splitting them up and talking to them alone, because that was the only way they could focus on not ripping the throat out of the other.
First up was Ivan.
Eduard shooed Ludwig back into the waiting room, and when he had Ivan alone, Eduard wasted absolutely no time in getting straight to the point.
Eduard scribbled away, and then asked, abruptly, "So, Ivan. Why are you so threatened by Gilbert?"
Ivan bristled up immediately, squared his shoulders and thrust out his chest, trying to make himself look even bigger than he already was for some ridiculous reason. Ivan lifted his chin and said, very sternly, "I'm not threatened by Gilbert."
Eduard stared at Ivan, drolly, and internally rolled his eyes.
As Ivan attempted to assert his dominance over a man who was not even there, Eduard changed the subject and said, "Tell me about Ludwig, Ivan."
At that, Ivan had no hesitation.
"He's the prissiest goddamn man I've ever met. He nags me more than a wife ever could. He's smart, too smart, and he likes to rub it in. He thinks he's too good for me. He's crazy, totally crazy. Paranoid. I can't go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone, because then he's sure I'm cheating on him. He's always constantly correcting me. He drives me up the wall, completely. He makes me crazy. All we do is argue, I swear, all day long. Everything I say he disagrees with. I think he does it on purpose to make me mad. He's like a goddamn drill sergeant! Every day, at four in the morning, he wakes up and starts cleaning the kitchen, and if I wake up late, then I'm lazy. If I stay up too late, I must be thinking of someone else. And then there's the chastising! Oh, god, the chastising! Why am I so messy, why am I always late, why am I going out so much, why am I throwing my dirty clothes in the corner of the room instead of in the hamper, why am I tracking dirt into the house—"
Eduard zoned out, as Ivan kept on for several more angry minutes.
After Ivan's tirade had ended, Eduard pinched the bridge of his nose, blinked a bit, and then said, tiredly, "Alright. Okay. Now. Can you tell me something...nice about Ludwig?"
"Not off the top of my head," Ivan drawled, and Eduard was the one to lid his eyes and stare at Ivan quite condescendingly.
"Really think about it," Eduard grumbled, and Ivan sighed.
At that, Ivan was momentarily silent, grimacing away and brow very low, lips pushed out crankily. Ivan was silent for a very long time, as Eduard tapped his pen on his pad and waited.
Finally, after apparently a long struggle, Ivan reluctantly grumbled, "Well. The angry sex is phenomenal. Really. I swear sometimes that's the only reason I put up with him."
At Eduard's deadly serious expression, Ivan backtracked.
"Well. You know. Hm... He's... Well. He makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world."
There was something!
Sure enough, after a minute of awkward settling, Ivan's expression shifted, softened, because quite nostalgic, as Ivan was finally able to tap into whatever adoring sentiments he clearly held for Ludwig.
Without prompting, Ivan suddenly added, "He's beautiful. Everything about him. Sometimes, when he's around, I feel like I can't even breathe. The first time I ever saw him, I swear it was like I got hit by lightning. I couldn't stop staring at him. I've never met anyone like him. He's so smart. He's very stern, but at the same time, he's so... I don't know, it's just, he cares about everyone so much. He doesn't show it that well, but it's so easy to see. He does a lot of volunteer work. He's a marrow donor. He feeds stray animals. He's just...perfect. Really. I love him so much."
Eduard smiled a little, and asked, "What do you feel every time you two fight?"
Ivan leaned back in the couch, and ran both of his hands through his hair, as he uttered, "It feels like I'm dying. I can't stand it! I can't. I don't ever mean to make him cry, I really don't. I hate it every time it happens. I'd rather jump off a cliff than ever make him cry. It's just— I don't know. He's my entire universe, you know? If he ever left for good, I think I would just crawl under the blanket and cry until I died. I can't even imagine what I'd do if he wasn't there. I just want to be with him every minute."
Eduard smiled at enormous, pining Ivan, fondly, and scribbled away.
Next up was Ludwig.
Eduard adjusted his glasses and asked, very randomly so as to startle Ludwig, "What about Natalia bothers you so much, Ludwig? Why do you think she is a threat to you?"
Ludwig bristled out like Ivan had, lifted his chin, crossed his arms, trying to appear prim and unbothered, and said, simply, "She's not!"
Mm-hm.
Eduard again changed the subject, and said, "Tell me about Ivan."
The tirade quickly came.
"He's insufferable! The most obnoxious, arrogant, condescending, bullheaded, stubborn, irritating man I've ever met in my life! I didn't even know that they could make men this goddamn annoying, but here we are! He's pompous, strutting around like he owns the world. You'd think he was a damn emperor, the way he looks down on everyone. He acts like I'm a dumb little kid. He talks to me as if I were too stupid to know how to live without him. He does it on purpose, I know he does, just to irritate me. And he's so possessive! I can't talk to anyone, I can't even look at someone, because then he starts a fight! I can't even tell you how many times I've had to go pick him up from some jail. He thinks he owns me. I swear, one of these days I'm going to wake up with his damn name branded on my back! He's just—"
Ludwig let out a very deep snarl of frustration, as Eduard again zoned out.
A long minute of rubbing the bridge of his nose, and Eduard sighed, "Now can you tell me something good about Ivan?"
Just like with Ivan, Ludwig was quiet for a very long time, and seemed quite cranky and reluctant. Ludwig tapped his foot, arms yet crossed over his chest and face very angry, and seemed to be very deep in thought.
Finally, Ludwig just grunted, "He's very good in bed. That's it."
Eduard gave Ludwig 'the look', and waited.
Ludwig squirmed, shifted, looked very awkward and vulnerable, and then sighed.
Again, just as with Ivan, Ludwig's face very abruptly softened. A hint of a smile, as his pale eyes crinkled a little and became less cold.
"Well. He's...very protective. He's charming, when he tries to be. He's very romantic. He loves being a family-man. He's brave. Funny. He's everything I'm not. He walks out the door and everyone sort of drifts over to him, because he's so personable. He's the social butterfly, I guess. He's smart, too, good with his hands. He's always going around, trying to help people. He's handsome, isn't he? I could stare at him forever. He's the only person that's ever made me feel like I'm important. All the things he'd say—no one had ever talked to me like that before. When he's there, I feel...safe. I love everything about him."
Eduard snorted, as frosty Ludwig warmed up just a bit, defenses falling steadily as he remembered all of the things he loved about his infuriating spouse.
"And how do you feel when you and Ivan fight, Ludwig? How does that make you feel?"
Ludwig ran his palms over his face, slowly, stance so tense and tight, and it was a long while before he grunted, "I feel like the world ends. Every time he's not around, it's like... I don't know. It seems so dark. He's the only thing that ever makes me feel happy, so when he's not there, it really does feel like the world is ending. I don't mean to make him mad. It's not what I'm trying to do, really, I just— I'm so scared of him leaving."
Eduard smiled at awkward Ludwig as fondly as he had Ivan, and felt the first true twinges of hope for these stubborn asses.
When Eduard brought them back together shortly after, they were still clinging to that happy air of nostalgia, and went contently home. Eduard knew better, and waited to see if they would both be alive next week.
Session four.
Eduard separated them again, and forced them each in turn to lie down on the couch.
He started with Ivan, and when Ivan was on his back, hands clasped upon his abdomen and staring up at the ceiling, Eduard asked him, "Ivan, why does the relationship between Gilbert and Ludwig bother you so much?"
Ivan's brow furrowed, and he said, "I don't know. Everything about it just irks me. They're just—! Is that normal? Do you think that's normal? Do you think it's normal for a thirty-three-year-old man to run crying into his big brother's arms because I hurt his feelings? Do you think it's normal for a thirty-three-year-old man to sleep in the bed with his fuckin' brother, who, might I add, is naked, because we got into a fight and I have to sleep on the couch?"
Eduard stared at Ivan, and asked, "Do you think Gilbert is handsome?"
Ivan snapped his head over, and sputtered, "N-no! Absolutely not. Ugly son of a bitch, that albino jackass, he's not all that, the jerk—"
That meant 'yes, Gilbert is very handsome'. Clearly Ivan was threatened by that, despite his declarations otherwise.
"Do you think Gilbert is more handsome than you?"
Ivan squirmed a little, scoffed, and grumbled, "Nah. ...I mean. I don't know. Maybe. Who cares?"
"So, you're worried that Ludwig thinks that Gilbert is more attractive than you?"
"I didn't say that."
"Do you?"
"...no."
That was a lie if ever he heard one.
"But you think that their relationship borders on being inappropriate, because you do think that Ludwig thinks Gilbert is handsome?"
Ivan looked extremely uncomfortable, and shrugged a noncommittal shoulder.
Eduard redirected.
"Do you think Natalia is pretty?"
Ivan's chest puffed out in pride, arrogance, and he immediately drawled, "Of course she's pretty. She's beautiful. She's perfect."
Uh-huh.
"You two had a very close relationship growing up?"
"Yeah. Our parents died when we were young, so it was always just us. She's more like my mother, I guess."
"Is she older than you?"
"Just by a year."
"So you two did everything together. Is she married?"
Ivan shook his head.
"Are you worried that she's not married?"
"Kind of. I want to make sure someone is taking care of her, ya know, because I always did it. But at the same time, I also kinda want to murder every man that looks at her. I can't stand thinking of some other guy in there. Like, because then she'll love him more than me, you know? I hate that."
"So you'd rather keep her to yourself?"
Ivan paused, shifted, and lost his voice.
Eduard had Ivan on the ropes, and enjoyed every single second of it.
"Do you think the relationship between Ludwig and Gilbert upsets you so much because it possibly reminds you of the relationship between you and Natalia?"
Ivan sputtered again, turned his head sideways to look over at Eduard, and after a long second of open-mouthed staring, Ivan asked, "Are you— Are you saying I wanna fuck my sister?"
Eduard replied, as he suppressed a smirk, "I did not say that."
Ivan sat up, and said, very ardently, "I do not wanna fuck my sister!"
"So, Ludwig, why does the relationship between Ivan and Natalia bother you so much?"
Ludwig, lying back and eyes running over the ceiling, hands clasped above his chest, muttered, "Because she's always hovering over him. Always. She's so—! I dunno. She's just so weird with him. The way she kisses him, and runs her hands all over him. It's just... I swear, she wants to get rid of me. It's like she wants him all to herself. It's creepy."
Eduard readied his pen, and asked, "Do you think Natalia is pretty?"
"No," Ludwig immediately snapped, before he sputtered and then quickly amended, "Well. Yes. A little. Kind of. Yes. Yes. She's pretty. She's—" A noise of frustration. "She's so pretty! She's so pretty, why is she so pretty? It's not fair. She's so pretty. I hate it."
"Do you think she's more attractive, in comparison, than you?"
Ludwig crinkled his brow, and bitterly grumbled, "Yeah."
"And you worry that Ivan loves her more than you?"
Ludwig nodded.
"And you also think that their relationship is more intimate than it should be?"
Again, Ludwig nodded.
Eduard eyed Ludwig for a moment, and then said, "Ivan says he is one hundred percent homosexual. So you disagree with that?"
Ludwig scoffed, and grumbled, bitterly, "Coulda fooled me, the way he's always kissing her on the lips."
"But you kiss Gilbert on the lips."
Ludwig sent Eduard a glare, and bitched, "That's different!"
Right. Sure.
"Ludwig, when did you learn that you were adopted?"
"I've always known, since before I can remember. It was never a secret."
Eduard nodded, glanced up, and surmised, "So, you grew up knowing that you and Gilbert were not biological siblings."
Ludwig nodded away.
Eduard suppressed another smirk, and asked, "Do you think Gilbert is handsome?"
Ludwig turned his head to look at Eduard, and seemed caught off guard.
A hesitation, and then Ludwig grumbled, nervously, "Well, yeah. I mean. Yeah. He's very handsome. "
"How much older is Gilbert than you?"
"Ten years older."
"So Ivan's age. What is Gilbert's sexuality?"
Ludwig's cheeks were steadily reddening, to Eduard's delight, and there was another hesitation before Ludwig grumbled, "Why does that matter?"
"It's just a part of therapy. Come now. What's Gilbert's sexuality?"
"He's bisexual," Ludwig finally muttered, voice so low then that it could have been mistaken for a car backfiring below on the street, and Eduard was squirming then from utter delight.
Loved making these assholes uncomfortable.
Ludwig looked mortified, terrified, and Eduard was silent for a while to drag out that terror before he asked, abruptly, "Did you have a crush on Gilbert growing up?"
Ludwig's red face suddenly paled, his eyes flew open wide, his jaw clamped, and Eduard could see him swallow nervously.
A cold sweat on his brow.
Eduard bit his bottom lip, trying so hard to suppress his gleeful sneer as Ludwig attempted to sink down into the couch and disappear.
After eternity, there was a very weak, gruff mutter.
"I was thirteen. He was twenty-three. He'd been gone for a year because he was in the navy, I hadn't seen him in forever, and he looked so different and I was confused—it was nothing. It was just a little crush, that was all, it really was nothing."
Ludwig looked completely petrified, and Eduard was elated.
He struggled very hard to not let his voice shake when he asked, "Do you think the relationship between Natalia and Ivan upsets you so much because it reminds you of the relationship between you and Gilbert?"
Ludwig bolted upright at the waist, palms on the couch for balance, and he gazed at Eduard in nothing short of absolute horror.
"I'm— No! I'm not— I'm not in love with Gilbert, I'm not!"
Eduard leered.
Ivan slammed his fist down on the arm of the couch, and cried, "Really! I'm serious! I do not want to fuck my sister! Honest to god, what the fuck is the matter with you?"
Eduard's tongue poked out as he scribbled away Ivan's rant, glancing up frequently to see the red-faced bastard gawking at him.
Sometimes, just sometimes, Eduard liked this job. It was nice to torment people, sometimes, and it would give Eduard evil satisfaction to think of huge Ivan standing in front of the mirror that night in dread and asking himself, 'Do I wanna fuck my sister?'
Once more, Eduard just uttered, "I didn't say that. I haven't said that. You're the one saying it. Why do you think you need to say it so many times, Ivan?"
Ivan's eyes widened in horror, and his voice was shrill and cracking when he actually screamed, "I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK MY SISTER!"
"Do you still have a crush on Gilbert?"
Ludwig sat up, swung his legs over the couch, and screeched, "No! Absolutely not! I told you already! I was thirteen! That was all! I was thirteen, for god's sake, I do not wanna sleep with my brother, knock it off!"
Eduard smiled, trying to hide his face with his notepad.
"It's just a question," Eduard squeaked, as he tried so hard to keep a straight face. "There's no need to get upset. ...why are you upset?"
Ludwig bolted upright off the couch, arms straight out at his sides, bristled up to high heaven, and he screamed, powerfully, deep voice booming and harsh, "I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER!"
Session five.
Ivan was crying on the couch, alternating between burying his face in his hands and looking at Eduard between sobs, to wheeze, "I thought—we were gonna—be happy!"
Ivan bawled away, as Eduard chewed on the tip of his pen to suppress his smile.
Ivan's huge hands concealed his face as his shoulders shook dramatically, his hair messy and sticking out in every direction. Every so often there was a cry, a wail, or a cough, as passionate Ivan broke down there on the couch in a fit of lovesickness.
Eduard tapped his pen on the notepad, and then asked, "What are you feeling right now, Ivan?"
Ivan looked up over his hands, grey eyes scrunched and bleary and miserable, and he wailed, "I wanna die, I love him so much— Why can't we be happy?"
Ivan suddenly stood up, marched over, and the next thing Eduard knew Ivan's massive arms were locked around his neck as Ivan sobbed away with no restraint into his shoulder.
Eduard reached up, patted Ivan's back, and sneered.
Session six.
Ludwig was stomping around in circles, arms waving dramatically in the air as he ranted.
"—and then he said, no, he didn't wanna go see my family for Christmas, because Gilbert would be there. And of course if Gilbert is there, then I would forget he existed, he'd get drunk and start screaming, and then I would start screaming, and then he would start crying, and then Gilbert would start screaming, and if Gilbert started screaming then I would start crying, and if I started crying then Ivan would start screaming again, and then Ivan and Gilbert would get into a fistfight—again—and then I would run out of the house, and then Ivan would say that I ran out because I love Gilbert more than him and that I always take Gilbert's side, even though Ivan started the whole damn thing by getting drunk in the first place—"
Ludwig took an extremely deep breath, as slack-jawed Eduard watched him in utter amazement, and then he opened his mouth and started right back up.
"—and so then, on our honeymoon, he thought the scuba diving instructor was hitting on me and so he strangled him with his own oxygen cable, punched him in the face, and then threw him overboard his own goddamn boat, and then when I got him out of jail, he didn't like the way the bellboy in the hotel looked at me so he tried to start another fight, and I had to literally drag my husband down the hall and into the elevator because some poor seventeen-year-old Japanese kid told me he liked my hair—"
Session seven.
Eduard brought Ivan and Ludwig together, stood them before each other, and told them to pretend that they were back in the day they had met the first time. To recreate that spark, to find out what had drawn them together.
Eduard said, "Come now, show me your love story! What was the first day like?"
They stared at each other through narrowed eyes, and Ivan reluctantly instigated by holding his arms out at his sides and grunting, with perhaps a bit of embarrassment, "Hey, baby. That was a good barbell thrust. Wanna go have a private lesson so I can show you mine?"
Eduard pinched the bridge of his nose again, and bit down his sigh.
Ludwig drawled, so blandly and sarcastically, "Wow. I've never heard that one before. But your form is great, so I would love a private lesson."
Ivan, probably very humiliated at having to reenact a cheesy pickup line in front of a marriage counselor, grumbled, "Yeah, cool. I'm sure you haven't already gotten one from your 'brother'."
Ludwig lifted his chin and so primly retorted, "You would know about receiving a private lesson from a 'sibling'."
Eduard threw his notepad aside, removed his glasses, and buried his face wearily in his hands.
Session eight.
Ivan was lying back on the couch, hands clasped above his chest, staring up at the ceiling as he blabbered away.
"—but I don't see how I was the one in the wrong. I only punched Gilbert because, I mean, what the hell is a guy supposed to think, when his husband comes back home at four in the morning, drunk as hell and with his arm wrapped around another guy?"
Eduard glanced up, and offered, "That it was his birthday and he was drinking with his brother?"
Ivan blinked, sputtered, waved his hand in the air, and grumbled, "Well—! You know what, that's not the point! The point isn't that I punched Gilbert, the point is that he was mad at me after. It wasn't my fault! Anyway, shouldn't he have been, I dunno, impressed? I mean, it's not that I was hopin' he'd jump in my arms and say 'my hero', or anything, but I was kinda hopin'—"
Eduard stood up, and went for his bottle of rum.
"—shouldn't he be flattered? I work so hard to show off to him, and it's like he doesn't even care! I defended his honor against this totally creepy scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon, and when he came to get me out of jail he looked more annoyed than anything! Can you believe that?"
Ivan suddenly stood up, and put his hand on a thrust out hip, other hand waving in the air, and it was very clear he was imitating Ludwig.
"'Oh, look what you've gotten yourself into! It's our honeymoon and here you are, in a Japanese jail!'"
Ivan suddenly started walking back and forth across the room, flamboyantly, hips swaying provocatively and one hand still prissily out of his side.
"But he walks like this all over the place, like a goddamn vixen, trying to seduce everyone! He knows I'm jealous, but he does it anyway, because he likes the attention. He won't admit it, but he does it on purpose. He knows I hate it when other guys look at him, but still he goes swaying down the street with the bedroom eyes!"
Eduard didn't claim to be a Ludwig expert, but he was absolutely, entirely certain that Ludwig did not walk like that, nor did he ever wave his hand in the air like a flirty teenage girl. He was pretty sure that this was entirely a figment of Ivan's extremely jealous imagination.
But it was hilarious to watch all the same, as that huge mountain of a man tried to walk and act so prissy and prim.
"And then he does this thing, where he's like—" Ivan suddenly stuck his hip out farther than ever, one leg locked out straight and the other bent, and Ivan raised his hand up and ran it very slowly and seductively through his own hair, biting his bottom lip "—just like that!"
Eduard had seen Ludwig's hair come loose during one session, and Ludwig had very nondescriptly reached up and smoothed it back. That action seemed much more sultry in Ivan's imitation, and Eduard snorted.
Everything Ludwig did mesmerized Ivan apparently, and he must have thought that the rest of the world saw it that way too, even though Eduard could very easily say he was absolutely not seduced by Ludwig merely fixing his hair, and he was pretty sure Ludwig had not bitten his lip while doing so.
Eduard was silent for a moment, staring away at mimicking Ivan, and then asked, "Have you ever considered that this is entirely in your head and that maybe you're just being possessive?"
Ivan fell still, raised a hand to his chin pensively, seemed deep in thought, and then waved it off.
"Nah—he's a tease, I'm telling you, he tries to rile me up, he likes it when I punch other men, I know he does, he's askin' for it—"
Eduard poured another glass of rum.
Session nine.
Ludwig was curled up in a ball on the couch, face buried in the pillow and bawling his eyes out, sobbing so powerfully that his shoulders were shaking and he coughed.
Eduard stirred his coffee mindlessly, chin in palm as he stared at caterwauling Ludwig, who lifted his head from time to time to whine.
"—he said that he—h-he'd always b-be there for me, but he wasn't there all day, on our tenth a-anniversary." Ludwig hiccoughed, he was crying so hard, and he struggled to breathe as he briefly met Eduard's eyes. "H-he left me alone, for her! Her! He's my husband, not hers!"
Eduard took a sip of his coffee, and then said, offhandedly, "Do you think it had anything to do with him driving hours out of the country to pick her up because she was stranded on the side of the road in a broken car? Because, you know. She's his sister?"
Ludwig wailed.
Forty-five minutes later, Ludwig was no longer bawling, and instead was stalking around the room, eyes puffy and red, voice very nasally as he griped, "—and then he started flexing! He's always flexing, always. He's always showing off. Every time someone looks at him, he stops what he's doing and starts flexing. One time, there was a new guy in the gym, some other blond jerk, and Ivan went right up to him and was all, 'Oh, hey, you need some help, I can show you.' And then he got right behind him, all up against him, and showed him how to deadlift. I had to stand there and watch my husband put his crotch right up against some new guy's ass, and what, I'm not supposed to be annoyed? I can't even talk to anyone without Ivan punching them in the face, but oh, I'm crazy for being upset that Ivan was 'just trying to be helpful'. That guy was probably a slut, anyway, the jerk, I was glad when he stopped coming, but then Ivan still goes around town 'helping out'. He stops every time he sees someone broken down or carrying something and tries to jump in. He says he just likes helping, but I know he's just trying to show off and flirt!"
Ludwig rubbed irritably at his red eyes, as Eduard watched him pacing back and forth, back and forth, and Eduard asked, "Do you think maybe you're just being possessive?"
Ludwig wailed, "No!" and then buried his face in his hands, bursting once more into tears.
Eduard smiled away, doodling on his notepad little stick figures of Ludwig raising hell as Ivan 'helpfully' molded into another guy in the gym.
Ah...
It was vacation time.
Session ten.
Eduard brought the two together again, and this time hoped he would actually get somewhere. Now that both of them had broken down and cried puddles onto Eduard's couch, he was fairly confident in where they stood.
Ivan and Ludwig were sitting once more pressed up against the other, and that was hopeful.
Eduard looked them over, and asked, "How are we feeling today? Ivan?"
Ivan looked over at Ludwig, smiled, and then offered, "I feel better, really. I don't even feel like arguing."
"Ludwig?"
Ludwig looked Ivan up and down, coolly, face quite soft as he said, "I'm happy."
Good.
At last, Eduard said to them, "I think we're coming to a head here. I believe we need to say a few things to each other."
He waved his hands in the air, they stood up, and Eduard came up before them.
This time, he pulled out all of his frazzled and crumpled notes, as Ludwig and Ivan stared at each other, and adjusted his glasses.
He glanced up at Ludwig, and said, as he read from a paper, "So, Ludwig. During one of our sessions, you said that Ivan was the only person that had ever made you feel like you were important." A blaze of red to Ludwig's face, as he quickly dropped his head, and Ivan turned to stare over at Ludwig with an expression that could have been shock. "You said that it was like the world was ending, whenever you two fought and Ivan left. Because he was the only thing that ever really made you happy."
Ludwig shifted his weight, anxiously, and Eduard quickly turned his gaze to Ivan.
"Ivan, you said to me that every time you two fight, it feels like you're dying, because he's the entire universe to you and losing him would have been the end of you." Ivan ran a hand nervously through his messy hair, cracking his neck a little. "You told me that if he ever left, you'd crawl under the blankets and cry until you died."
A long, heavy silence.
Ludwig stared at the floor, arms crossed over his chest defensively, and Ivan averted his gazed as he rubbed anxiously at the back of his neck. After a long while, Ivan started glancing over at Ludwig, over and over again, and Eduard waited.
Steadily, Ivan's big hand fell back down to his side, he turned his body very slowly until he was completely facing Ludwig, and his face softened. His brow came up, his eyes lidded, his lips twitched, and Eduard watched very hopefully as Ivan suddenly reached out and grabbed Ludwig's chin to force his head up.
Ludwig refused to meet Ivan's gaze at first, until Ivan suddenly whispered, "You really feel like the world ends when I'm gone?"
Ludwig once more blazed up red, and lifted his pale eyes up to meet Ivan's.
Ludwig didn't say it aloud, but it was very easy to see there on his face that he had meant it. Ivan smiled, prettily, calmly, eyes ever gentler when he reached out with his other hand to place it on Ludwig's waist.
Ludwig took a deep breath, turned himself towards Ivan in turn, and asked, as Ivan ever lifted his chin up, "I'm the universe, huh?"
Less stubborn and proud than Ludwig sentimentally, Ivan immediately nodded.
Ivan suddenly broke into a great, beaming smile, very charming and pretty, and pressed his forehead into Ludwig's.
Eduard nearly 'aww'ed.
Nearly.
Eduard looked back and forth between them, and said, "Ivan, do you think that you love Ludwig so much that sometimes you lash out at others because you're afraid of losing him?"
Ivan shifted, pursed his lips, and grumbled, "Yeah. I guess."
"And, Ludwig. Would you concede that you love Ivan so much that perhaps you're sometimes irrationally suspicious because you worry he'll find someone else?"
Ludwig, red-faced, just gave a curt nod.
Eduard smiled, feeling so close, and asked, "Ivan. Would you ever leave Ludwig for someone else?"
Ivan lifted his head, braced his legs, and said, very sternly, "No. Never. I married him for a reason. I'll love him forever. I don't want anyone else. I found what I wanted."
Ludwig glanced up at Ivan, lips parted and a bit mesmerized, and Eduard then asked, "Ludwig. Would you ever leave Ivan?"
A long squirm, a hesitation, before awkward Ludwig grumbled, "No. He's the only man I've ever loved."
Ivan looked flattered, elated, and reached out to grab Ludwig's hand.
Eduard felt hope.
"So, Ivan, do you think maybe you can let Ludwig and Gilbert continue to have their relationship without starting a fight?"
Compliantly, Ivan nodded.
"And can you consider allowing Ludwig to speak to other men without punching them in the face?"
At that, Ivan nodded much less happily, but the agreement was there all the same.
"Ludwig, can you let Natalia fuss over her brother without pitching a fit?"
Ludwig, face stern, nodded.
"And can you let Ivan play hero around town without assuming he's trying to cheat on you?"
Another nod, with pursed lips.
"Excellent!" Eduard cried, as he clapped a hand down on either of their shoulders. "We're coming along so nicely! I know it was very uncomfortable, but I think we've made a lot of good progress. So. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go home, and tonight, I want you two to have a little house date, and make out a list of things that you love about the other. Alright? And then, whenever it's possible, I would really like for you two to go on a second honeymoon. Relieve some stress. Relax. Just enjoy being around each other, and try not to get jealous of anyone else. Can we do that?"
The two mules nodded.
The relief Eduard felt was intense.
"Good to hear! Take a few months. See how it goes. Go on that honeymoon. Send me some pictures. Alright? Don't hesitate to call if any issues come up, but I think we've finally come to an understanding for now."
They nodded again, smiling, and Eduard shooed them out, for hopefully the last time.
Ah...
Success tasted great.
Eduard waited a moment and then peered out of the window and down at the street, and smiled when he saw Ivan very suddenly bow at the waist, extend his hand, and when Ludwig took it, Ivan's kissed the top of Ludwig's hand very charmingly.
Ludwig smiled, Ivan straightened up, held out his arm, and Ludwig was very quick to take it. Ivan kissed Ludwig's cheek, and then they walked arm in arm down the street like schoolgirls. Eduard watched them go quite happily, chest puffed out and feeling exceptionally proud of himself.
Until Ludwig suddenly wrenched out of Ivan's arm and started shouting at him, as Ivan threw his arms in the air and stomped his foot.
Eduard rolled his eyes, and marched straight over to his door to flip the 'open' sign off.
No way.
He stealthily peered out again, waiting for Ludwig to come stalking back and bang on the door, but the situation was mercifully quelled when Ivan ran a palm over his eyes and muttered something. Huffy Ludwig pushed out his lips, and then seemed to slump. A short impasse, and then suddenly they were arm in arm again and walking on.
Oh, thank god! Couldn't handle those two anymore.
Eduard snorted, threw himself on his own couch, and stared up at the ceiling.
This was the only time Eduard could remember that he had wanted some damn therapy for giving someone therapy.
And more rum.