TRUE INTENTIONS
2
Willow froze.
For a year, no one had heard anything about what had become of Spike. It was said that the vampire with the chip in his head had simply decided to leave.
That may have been so.
But now...here he was. Sitting on the edge of the bluff with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks below. He had a cigarette in his mouth. He was wearing his white shirt and black pants, but there was no sign of his long coat anywhere. Willow had never seen him without his coat. It was a part of Spike, or at least she had come to think so.
His words came back to her.
"Didn't think you'd be back up here again, Red," he replied, not turning his head. "Not after what I heard."
She looked at him as she hugged herself against a sudden cold chill, favoring her arm, which was in a cast. There was something different about Spike. Something odd. She took a hesitant step toward him as she tried to peek around him at his face.
Spike slowly turned his head. "You shouldn't be here."
Willow hesitated, "Uh...w-where have you been, Spike?"
"Why? You're not going to tell me that I was missed, are you? Because we both know that I wasn't missed. Not by you. Not by any of the Scoobies..." He couldn't hide the pain in his voice, even though he tried, as he said, "And especially not from Buffy. You...you all probably had a bloody party in my absence."
"Spike...there-there wasn't any party." She took another step toward him. "Everyone was upset...you know...n-not with just what you did, but...but there were other things going on." She didn't know what else to say other than she had to get him talking so she could try to find out why he had returned.
Spike nodded. "I heard. Rack is very upset, Will. You...you shouldn't have bothered him. He's not bloody likely to forget what you did to him."
Willow had thought along those same thoughts herself. Would Rack come after her? She didn't know. Suddenly, it dawned on her that Spike had called her "Will" and that was something he had never done before. There was definitely something wrong. He usually stuck to nicknames like "Red".
"I'll be okay. Giles is back, and he...he told me not to worry about Rack."
Spike nodded soberly. "Good. Good for him. I hope he can keep you safe." He looked out toward the ocean. "You deserve it, you know. All of you deserve to be happy. We...we bloody vamps and demons have tormented you enough, haven't we?" He flicked his cigarette butt out over the edge. "It's about time to end the suffering," he said softly.
Willow looked at him. Then she looked out toward the ocean and at the horizon, she saw a sliver of light beginning to touch the surface of the ocean. "Uh...Spike? Sh-shouldn't you be heading inside somewhere?" She pointed nervously toward the sliver of light. "I-I'd say in about twenty minutes, there's gonna be a barbeque, b-but you'll be the main course."
She thought he was going to get up, brush himself off, and run for cover.
But he didn't.
Instead, he looked toward the sliver of light and he looked at it with a strong feeling of calm. "I didn't plan on running into anyone, Willow. You shouldn't have come here."
"Spike...what are you talking about?" she looked at him with concern.
"I didn't come back to Sunnydale to see anyone."
Understanding appeared in Willow's eyes. "Y-you came to die?" She looked out toward the sliver of light and saw that the sun was rising. "Spike, just-just like that? You're going to end it?" She looked at him and pleaded with him for reason. "You can't quit now. No matter how bad it is...you can't just end it!"
Spike bowed his head. "Why do you care?"
She hesitated as tears welled up in her eyes. "Everybody hurts, Spike. Everybody. Not just you or me. But everybody. If-if everybody decided to end it just because it hurts too much, then...then who would be left?"
Spike's head was still bowed. Then his shoulders began to shake and Willow stared in astonishment as she realized that he was crying.
Spike was sobbing his heart out.
Willow couldn't take it. She went to him and grabbed him by the arm with her left hand. "C'mon, Spike. We have to go!"
He tried to shake her off. "No! Let me go, Willow! I can't live like this!" He turned his head and looked at her.
And she looked into his eyes.
Really looked.
She gasped...and she understood. With grim resolve, she grabbed him by the arm and said, "I'm just starting to be happy again, Spike. Please don't ruin my happiness with another senseless death."
Startled, he regarded her. "You...you think my death would be senseless?"
She nodded. "Please...come with me."
Spike didn't have the heart in him to fight her. He allowed her to lead him away from the bluff. They walked fast for a while, but when the flesh on his skin began to sizzle, she forced them into a run. They made it back to Xander's apartment where Willow tried to lead him inside but the invisible barrier stopped him from entering.
To Willow's horror, she suddenly realized that Xander had never invited Spike in. That was understandable, of course, for she knew how much Xander hated Spike. But the circumstances were different. Things had changed.
Without thinking about it, she said, "Spike, you're invited! Now get in here!"
Spike passed through the threshold, and Willow slammed the door shut. She made him sit down and he just fell onto the sofa, steam rising from him as a result of being outside.
Willow looked at him.
Spike looked awful. He looked withdrawn and paler than usual.
"Spike...are you okay?" she asked him as she went to draw the curtains closed. She had to move quickly for the sun was shining toward him and yet she only had one good hand to pull the curtains closed. But she managed, and the apartment was protected from the rays of the sun.
Spike didn't look at her. He didn't respond.
She walked toward him and looked at his face. "Spike...I-I'm sorry. What you must be feeling...i-it must be horrible."
"What do you know?" he said bitterly.
"Your...your soul has been restored."
He looked up at her, surprised. "How do you know that?"
"I can see it in your eyes."
"You can see my soul...?"
Willow shrugged. "Well, no, but, you're different. I can see it in your eyes, Spike." She paused. "How did it happen?"
He looked at her. Then he looked away and shook his head. In frustration, he said, "What does it bloody matter how it happened?! I have the damned thing and it's killing me!" He put his head in his hands. "Why did you stop me? Why couldn't you have just let me die?"
Willow pulled up one of the chairs from the kitchen table and she sat into it as she watched Spike. "Y-you shouldn't have to be alone, Spike. No one should. It...it doesn't matter what you did any more." She hesitated, "I- I know others would disagree...but I know what pain is. I-I know how you must be feeling. I know what it's like to bring pain and suffering to others, and then have to live with it. I--"
He snapped his head and glared at her. "How could you bloody say you know what I'm feeling?! Have you ever gone and done the things I've done in the lifetimes I've done them?! How many innocent lives have you tortured just for the bloody thrill of it? Or how much blood have you tasted? I've killed two Slayers, Willow!" He held up two fingers in front of her. "Two of them!! If I hadn't of killed them, how much suffering could have been avoided then?! So don't tell me you know how I..." He stopped.
Willow was crying.
He closed his eyes and turned his head. "Oh...God..." He sat back and brought his hands to his face. Then he looked at Willow. "I'm...I'm so sorry, Willow. I...I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Bloody hell, I'm sorry." His voice was low and husky. The emotion was so thick in his throat, he could almost choke on it. He wished he could have.
Willow shook her head. "D-don't be sorry."
"Willow..."
"No. You see...I-I really do know...how you feel." She rubbed at her eyes absently. "M-maybe not in the same way...but, Spike...I was going to end it all...for everyone. I-I could hear everyone's thoughts. I felt their pain. Their suffering. A-and then, there I was...with no thoughts of remorse. I didn't care about anything but killing the world." She paused as she remembered who stood there that day to stop her and a small smile touched her lips. "He stopped me. Xander saved me, Spike." She looked at him. "S-so, I want to do the same thing that he did for me. I want to help save you."
Spike closed his eyes and shook his head. "You can't save me, Willow. I'm a demon! A monster. They were all right about me. I'm no good."
"You are. You have a soul. You can be good."
He took a deep breath as he began to look around the apartment. He looked at her. "So...you...you got yourself a place of your own." He sniffed. "Well, it's nice, Will. It's really nice." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Th-the last time I knew, you lived at Buf...the Summers house."
Willow paused in thought. "I never went back there to live...after what happened."
He nodded. "Of course...You wouldn't have."
"A-and this isn't really my apartment."
Spike looked at her, a puzzled look on his face. "Sure, it is, Will. How can it not be your place? You invited me in. You can't invite me in unless it's yours."
Willow thought about that. It was her home now. It had been for a few days and it would be for as long as she and Xander continued to live there. Then she thought of Xander and she became afraid. Afraid that he would leave her now because of Spike. She blinked back new tears. She tried to believe that Xander wouldn't do that.
He couldn't.
Spike watched her and he couldn't help but be concerned. "Willow...what is it?"
"Th-this is Xander's apartment," she said quietly.
He hesitated, "But...YOU invited me in. That must mean that..." He stopped as he realized what had happened. "You two are...?" He stopped again.
She nodded. "I...I'm madly in love with Xander."
"Nooo..."
She looked at him, puzzled. "Spike...?"
Spike rose to his feet as he looked at Willow. "No, damn it...I won't let you do this! I can't let you ruin your only chance at happiness."
She rose to her feet, too. "What-what are you talking about? Spike, I love Xander, and we--"
He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked at her closely. "YOU invited me in here to save me, but by doing so, you risk losing Xander. I can't let Xander find me here, Willow. He won't forgive this. Then there'll be another bloody fine mess I started!" He let her go and headed for the front door.
"Spike!!" Willow hurried in front of him and she put her back to the door. "Stop it! If you go out there, you'll die!"
"I deserve it!" he snapped. "And you deserve to be happy with Xander. But you won't be if he finds out you invited me. He hates me, Will, and he would have never invited me in. Now get out of my bloody way."
"No! I can't! Please...don't do this, Spike. We can work this out."
"Get out of my way, or I'll throw you aside!"
Willow stood her ground. "No."
Sighing, Spike grabbed a hold of her and tried to shove her aside, but she hung onto his shirt with her hands. Her right arm was straining against the sudden pressure he was causing, but she tried to ignore the pain. Spike pulled her off balance, and then he shoved her away from him. Willow hit the wall and fell to the floor.
Hard.
She cried out in pain from her broken arm and favored it as Spike turned to look at her with concern. His hand was on the doorknob.
"Willow," he said hoarsely. "I'm...I'm sorry."
Willow got to her feet. "Spike..."
He looked at her and waited.
Suddenly, she charged him and crashed into him, using her right shoulder to plow into his stomach. The momentum of her charge was enough to take them both into the kitchen. They crashed into the table and then onto it. With a crash, the table broke, sending them falling to the floor. Spike finally managed to grab Willow again and he shoved her off from him. He began to rise to his feet and Willow kicked him hard between his legs.
"Owww!!" Holding himself, Spike stumbled away from Willow and he found himself leaning against the wall. He held himself and groaned as he saw Willow getting unsteadily to her feet. "That wasn't bloody nice!" he shouted.
Willow held her injured arm to her. She watched Spike warily. "Y-you're hurting me...by fighting. Stop it."
Spike turned his head. He saw something. Resigned, he turned to look at Willow. "I don't want to hurt anyone any more," he said softly. "That's why I have to do this." His hand reached out and grabbed a hold of the curtains hanging over the window.
Willow didn't know what else to do. She grabbed a hold of the frying pan from off the stove and she charged Spike with it. Just as he pulled the curtain down and the sun began to shine in, she smacked the pan against his head.
Spike saw stars as he fell.
Willow tossed the curtain over him, and for good measure, she hit him again.
Finally, she sat on the floor next to Spike who was covered with the curtain. He wasn't moving. But he was still there. Willow tried to catch her breath as she looked at Spike's unmoving form. Then she looked at what she was holding in her hand.
It was the handle of the frying pan.
The frying pan itself had snapped off and was lying on the floor by her feet.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she grabbed her arm and winced from the pain. She thought of Xander again. He was going to be home soon...and then she didn't have any idea what was going to happen next.
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TO BE CONTINUED--
2
Willow froze.
For a year, no one had heard anything about what had become of Spike. It was said that the vampire with the chip in his head had simply decided to leave.
That may have been so.
But now...here he was. Sitting on the edge of the bluff with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks below. He had a cigarette in his mouth. He was wearing his white shirt and black pants, but there was no sign of his long coat anywhere. Willow had never seen him without his coat. It was a part of Spike, or at least she had come to think so.
His words came back to her.
"Didn't think you'd be back up here again, Red," he replied, not turning his head. "Not after what I heard."
She looked at him as she hugged herself against a sudden cold chill, favoring her arm, which was in a cast. There was something different about Spike. Something odd. She took a hesitant step toward him as she tried to peek around him at his face.
Spike slowly turned his head. "You shouldn't be here."
Willow hesitated, "Uh...w-where have you been, Spike?"
"Why? You're not going to tell me that I was missed, are you? Because we both know that I wasn't missed. Not by you. Not by any of the Scoobies..." He couldn't hide the pain in his voice, even though he tried, as he said, "And especially not from Buffy. You...you all probably had a bloody party in my absence."
"Spike...there-there wasn't any party." She took another step toward him. "Everyone was upset...you know...n-not with just what you did, but...but there were other things going on." She didn't know what else to say other than she had to get him talking so she could try to find out why he had returned.
Spike nodded. "I heard. Rack is very upset, Will. You...you shouldn't have bothered him. He's not bloody likely to forget what you did to him."
Willow had thought along those same thoughts herself. Would Rack come after her? She didn't know. Suddenly, it dawned on her that Spike had called her "Will" and that was something he had never done before. There was definitely something wrong. He usually stuck to nicknames like "Red".
"I'll be okay. Giles is back, and he...he told me not to worry about Rack."
Spike nodded soberly. "Good. Good for him. I hope he can keep you safe." He looked out toward the ocean. "You deserve it, you know. All of you deserve to be happy. We...we bloody vamps and demons have tormented you enough, haven't we?" He flicked his cigarette butt out over the edge. "It's about time to end the suffering," he said softly.
Willow looked at him. Then she looked out toward the ocean and at the horizon, she saw a sliver of light beginning to touch the surface of the ocean. "Uh...Spike? Sh-shouldn't you be heading inside somewhere?" She pointed nervously toward the sliver of light. "I-I'd say in about twenty minutes, there's gonna be a barbeque, b-but you'll be the main course."
She thought he was going to get up, brush himself off, and run for cover.
But he didn't.
Instead, he looked toward the sliver of light and he looked at it with a strong feeling of calm. "I didn't plan on running into anyone, Willow. You shouldn't have come here."
"Spike...what are you talking about?" she looked at him with concern.
"I didn't come back to Sunnydale to see anyone."
Understanding appeared in Willow's eyes. "Y-you came to die?" She looked out toward the sliver of light and saw that the sun was rising. "Spike, just-just like that? You're going to end it?" She looked at him and pleaded with him for reason. "You can't quit now. No matter how bad it is...you can't just end it!"
Spike bowed his head. "Why do you care?"
She hesitated as tears welled up in her eyes. "Everybody hurts, Spike. Everybody. Not just you or me. But everybody. If-if everybody decided to end it just because it hurts too much, then...then who would be left?"
Spike's head was still bowed. Then his shoulders began to shake and Willow stared in astonishment as she realized that he was crying.
Spike was sobbing his heart out.
Willow couldn't take it. She went to him and grabbed him by the arm with her left hand. "C'mon, Spike. We have to go!"
He tried to shake her off. "No! Let me go, Willow! I can't live like this!" He turned his head and looked at her.
And she looked into his eyes.
Really looked.
She gasped...and she understood. With grim resolve, she grabbed him by the arm and said, "I'm just starting to be happy again, Spike. Please don't ruin my happiness with another senseless death."
Startled, he regarded her. "You...you think my death would be senseless?"
She nodded. "Please...come with me."
Spike didn't have the heart in him to fight her. He allowed her to lead him away from the bluff. They walked fast for a while, but when the flesh on his skin began to sizzle, she forced them into a run. They made it back to Xander's apartment where Willow tried to lead him inside but the invisible barrier stopped him from entering.
To Willow's horror, she suddenly realized that Xander had never invited Spike in. That was understandable, of course, for she knew how much Xander hated Spike. But the circumstances were different. Things had changed.
Without thinking about it, she said, "Spike, you're invited! Now get in here!"
Spike passed through the threshold, and Willow slammed the door shut. She made him sit down and he just fell onto the sofa, steam rising from him as a result of being outside.
Willow looked at him.
Spike looked awful. He looked withdrawn and paler than usual.
"Spike...are you okay?" she asked him as she went to draw the curtains closed. She had to move quickly for the sun was shining toward him and yet she only had one good hand to pull the curtains closed. But she managed, and the apartment was protected from the rays of the sun.
Spike didn't look at her. He didn't respond.
She walked toward him and looked at his face. "Spike...I-I'm sorry. What you must be feeling...i-it must be horrible."
"What do you know?" he said bitterly.
"Your...your soul has been restored."
He looked up at her, surprised. "How do you know that?"
"I can see it in your eyes."
"You can see my soul...?"
Willow shrugged. "Well, no, but, you're different. I can see it in your eyes, Spike." She paused. "How did it happen?"
He looked at her. Then he looked away and shook his head. In frustration, he said, "What does it bloody matter how it happened?! I have the damned thing and it's killing me!" He put his head in his hands. "Why did you stop me? Why couldn't you have just let me die?"
Willow pulled up one of the chairs from the kitchen table and she sat into it as she watched Spike. "Y-you shouldn't have to be alone, Spike. No one should. It...it doesn't matter what you did any more." She hesitated, "I- I know others would disagree...but I know what pain is. I-I know how you must be feeling. I know what it's like to bring pain and suffering to others, and then have to live with it. I--"
He snapped his head and glared at her. "How could you bloody say you know what I'm feeling?! Have you ever gone and done the things I've done in the lifetimes I've done them?! How many innocent lives have you tortured just for the bloody thrill of it? Or how much blood have you tasted? I've killed two Slayers, Willow!" He held up two fingers in front of her. "Two of them!! If I hadn't of killed them, how much suffering could have been avoided then?! So don't tell me you know how I..." He stopped.
Willow was crying.
He closed his eyes and turned his head. "Oh...God..." He sat back and brought his hands to his face. Then he looked at Willow. "I'm...I'm so sorry, Willow. I...I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Bloody hell, I'm sorry." His voice was low and husky. The emotion was so thick in his throat, he could almost choke on it. He wished he could have.
Willow shook her head. "D-don't be sorry."
"Willow..."
"No. You see...I-I really do know...how you feel." She rubbed at her eyes absently. "M-maybe not in the same way...but, Spike...I was going to end it all...for everyone. I-I could hear everyone's thoughts. I felt their pain. Their suffering. A-and then, there I was...with no thoughts of remorse. I didn't care about anything but killing the world." She paused as she remembered who stood there that day to stop her and a small smile touched her lips. "He stopped me. Xander saved me, Spike." She looked at him. "S-so, I want to do the same thing that he did for me. I want to help save you."
Spike closed his eyes and shook his head. "You can't save me, Willow. I'm a demon! A monster. They were all right about me. I'm no good."
"You are. You have a soul. You can be good."
He took a deep breath as he began to look around the apartment. He looked at her. "So...you...you got yourself a place of your own." He sniffed. "Well, it's nice, Will. It's really nice." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Th-the last time I knew, you lived at Buf...the Summers house."
Willow paused in thought. "I never went back there to live...after what happened."
He nodded. "Of course...You wouldn't have."
"A-and this isn't really my apartment."
Spike looked at her, a puzzled look on his face. "Sure, it is, Will. How can it not be your place? You invited me in. You can't invite me in unless it's yours."
Willow thought about that. It was her home now. It had been for a few days and it would be for as long as she and Xander continued to live there. Then she thought of Xander and she became afraid. Afraid that he would leave her now because of Spike. She blinked back new tears. She tried to believe that Xander wouldn't do that.
He couldn't.
Spike watched her and he couldn't help but be concerned. "Willow...what is it?"
"Th-this is Xander's apartment," she said quietly.
He hesitated, "But...YOU invited me in. That must mean that..." He stopped as he realized what had happened. "You two are...?" He stopped again.
She nodded. "I...I'm madly in love with Xander."
"Nooo..."
She looked at him, puzzled. "Spike...?"
Spike rose to his feet as he looked at Willow. "No, damn it...I won't let you do this! I can't let you ruin your only chance at happiness."
She rose to her feet, too. "What-what are you talking about? Spike, I love Xander, and we--"
He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked at her closely. "YOU invited me in here to save me, but by doing so, you risk losing Xander. I can't let Xander find me here, Willow. He won't forgive this. Then there'll be another bloody fine mess I started!" He let her go and headed for the front door.
"Spike!!" Willow hurried in front of him and she put her back to the door. "Stop it! If you go out there, you'll die!"
"I deserve it!" he snapped. "And you deserve to be happy with Xander. But you won't be if he finds out you invited me. He hates me, Will, and he would have never invited me in. Now get out of my bloody way."
"No! I can't! Please...don't do this, Spike. We can work this out."
"Get out of my way, or I'll throw you aside!"
Willow stood her ground. "No."
Sighing, Spike grabbed a hold of her and tried to shove her aside, but she hung onto his shirt with her hands. Her right arm was straining against the sudden pressure he was causing, but she tried to ignore the pain. Spike pulled her off balance, and then he shoved her away from him. Willow hit the wall and fell to the floor.
Hard.
She cried out in pain from her broken arm and favored it as Spike turned to look at her with concern. His hand was on the doorknob.
"Willow," he said hoarsely. "I'm...I'm sorry."
Willow got to her feet. "Spike..."
He looked at her and waited.
Suddenly, she charged him and crashed into him, using her right shoulder to plow into his stomach. The momentum of her charge was enough to take them both into the kitchen. They crashed into the table and then onto it. With a crash, the table broke, sending them falling to the floor. Spike finally managed to grab Willow again and he shoved her off from him. He began to rise to his feet and Willow kicked him hard between his legs.
"Owww!!" Holding himself, Spike stumbled away from Willow and he found himself leaning against the wall. He held himself and groaned as he saw Willow getting unsteadily to her feet. "That wasn't bloody nice!" he shouted.
Willow held her injured arm to her. She watched Spike warily. "Y-you're hurting me...by fighting. Stop it."
Spike turned his head. He saw something. Resigned, he turned to look at Willow. "I don't want to hurt anyone any more," he said softly. "That's why I have to do this." His hand reached out and grabbed a hold of the curtains hanging over the window.
Willow didn't know what else to do. She grabbed a hold of the frying pan from off the stove and she charged Spike with it. Just as he pulled the curtain down and the sun began to shine in, she smacked the pan against his head.
Spike saw stars as he fell.
Willow tossed the curtain over him, and for good measure, she hit him again.
Finally, she sat on the floor next to Spike who was covered with the curtain. He wasn't moving. But he was still there. Willow tried to catch her breath as she looked at Spike's unmoving form. Then she looked at what she was holding in her hand.
It was the handle of the frying pan.
The frying pan itself had snapped off and was lying on the floor by her feet.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she grabbed her arm and winced from the pain. She thought of Xander again. He was going to be home soon...and then she didn't have any idea what was going to happen next.
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TO BE CONTINUED--