Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon, but I do own the plot and all original characters within. I don't own the song Family Portrait. A wonderful song sung by the ever wonderful Pink! I also don't own the car I drive. ::pout:: How cruel is that? Don't sue, the only thing you'll get out of me is a dead moth if you're lucky.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The grey skies that had threatened to rain for the past two days finally delivered its promise. Slowly at first until it became a downpour. The window, as the rain washed over it, looked like you were looking through a watery mirror. A slender hand rested on the panes, the reflection in the glass showing an unhappy Usagi. Her past was plaguing her and she had no one to talk to. She would talk to her brother, but he wasn't there. He had been placed on a team and they were on a mission.
Usagi sat on the window seat, pulling her knees to her chest, staring dismally into the rain. It was hard to let go of the pain of the past. No matter how much counseling she endured, it always came back. There was nothing to replace the pain or a way for her to come to accept it and put it behind her. No one could see her pain, not even Aki, her brother. She didn't know how to reach out and ask for help. What was that saying? Who will listen to the listener? She was used to giving herself to other people -- to be their pillar, their shoulder, their ear -- that she didn't know how to ask for that favor in return. She didn't know how to release the tormenting cries that plagued her soul. The pain that sered her heart.
Startled, she looked up as a warm hand was placed on her shoulder. Sapphire blue eyes looked up at concerned prussian and jade eyes.
***********************************
Mama please stop cryin'
I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and it's
Tearing me down
***********************************
Another school day has ended and she stayed around as long as she could seeking help with school work. Somewhere else in the building, she knew her brother was doing the same thing. Neither one of them never wanted to leave the school grounds for home. This was their sanctuary, their haven.
"Usagi."
Sighing, she shut her book and packed up her work reluctantly. She looked up to meet the saddened blue gaze of her brother before nodding. Her brother was a couple years younger than she was and she knew she had to be strong for the both of them. They had been forced to grow up faster than the rest of their classmates. She shouldered her backpack.
"Let's go home, Aki."
They spoke little to one another as they walked home. Once in a while, the elder of nine years would gaze down at her seven year old brother. He didn't deserve to grow up the way he did. Aki would have said the same thing about his gentle sister. They could only support and protect one another the best they could. Soon, they arrived home.
Cynically, Usagi would take in the picture perfect home -- neat lawn, blooming flowers in the flower beds, the immaculately painted white and blue one level ranch style house. Beyond that inviting door would reveal the truth behind the perfect facade. Both children would square their shoulders at the walkway and walk towards the door. There would be no friends that would ever accompany them into the house.
Her heart broke the moment the door closed behind them. She turned to give her brother a comforting hug, knowing that the sounds coming from the kitchen still affected him. Within the other room, they could hear their mother crying her heart out. Taking in a deep breath, to calm her nerves, she called out to let their parents they were home.
"Tadaima."
There was nothing exciting in that declaration. Nor was there a warm answering okaeri. There never was and it wasn't expected. Yet, they could only wish that at least once that it would be said to them.
Sometime after dinner, Usagi and her brother Aki took a walk around the campus. Both of them were content to leave the comfortable silence between them. They relished spending time with each other, having grown up leaning on one another and now they hardly had the time to be with each other. Usagi was stuck on L7 working with those that needed to be integrated into the Academy, such as Kyle and Odin until she was assigned to a team that was suited for her. Aki on the other hand had been placed in a team a two years ago and started going on missions last year. Neither of them had much time to spend with each other anymore.
"Usagi ..." Aki hesitated slightly before plowing ahead. "When are you going to talk about it?"
They both knew what it was. A past they shared with one another that caused them to be loners during their first two years at the Academy. There was only two people they could trust -- themselves and each other. Anyone else was to be kept at arms distance or further. The psychological scar healed faster within Aki than Usagi as when Usagi loved, she gave everything. It was harder for her to get past the pain.
Usagi's steps faltered, her eyes staring down at the ground. "Why? They'll only leave like they did."
"Oneechan ..." Aki stopped and stood in front of his sister, holding her shoulders giving her a slight shake. "How can you know if you don't open up?" He sighed. "I want to see you happy for once, Usagi. You've always given everyone help in their pursuit of happiness but never for yourself. Please, oneechan ... you need more than me to confide in."
"I can still hear the glass break, Aki .... and all the screaming and yelling. I still cower in bed in the morning, half expecting to hear them arguing again." She whispered brokenly.
***********************************
I hear glasses breaking
As I sit up in my bed
I told God you didn't mean
Those nasty things you said
You fight about money
About me and my brother
And this I come home to
This is my shelter
***********************************
Usagi hid deeper in her covers, trying to block out the sounds of her mother in the next room. Once again her father was called off to a business meeting on L4 to meet with the head of the Winner Corporation, leaving without so much a word to his family. Her mother had taken it an insult having to hear from her father's boss on where he was at. Usagi knew her mother was polite on the phone, but as soon as the phone was down.
She shuddered as she heard glass breaking against the wall. Then the door to her room opened and shut and the shivering body of her brother curled up against her. She couldn't deny her brother what meager comfort she could give to him. Sometimes it was all that helped her get through the night. It comforted her somewhat to help her brother block out the sounds of their mother when she was in her rage.
"Bakayarou! How could you just saddle me with those kids without giving me forewarning!? And never tell me how much in debt we're in!? You never tell me anything!" Usagi held her brother tightly, wishing with all her might that her room was sound proof as they listened through the paper thin walls to their mother ranting and raving about their father. Part of what she said denounced God in their lives. Why couldn't their parents get along better? "You heartless bastard! Damn God for cursing us with this!"
Usagi prayed all of this would end and asked God to help her mother through the low of her mental disorder. Her mother had taught her about God when she was younger, having been a devout Christian before she found her moods swing from one extreme to another.
How she wished that the yelling wasn't a daily ritual. Somedays were better than others, but it wasn't something she wanted to live through.
"Usagi, daijobu?" It was another rainy day and she found herself staring out the window.
Startled, Usagi looked up and then away from the concerned faces, debating within herself. They haven't taken either of them away from her. Yet, she couldn't help think even Kyle and Odin would be taken away just like they were. She felt wanted knowing that these two would only open up to her and no other, unlike her previous room mates. Quietly, she finally responded, "I'm fine."
The two men exchanges glances with each other behind her back. It was rare to find Usagi this depressed. None of her previous room mates ever mentioned this to them and they had asked about her when Usagi was in class. This was probably the third time they have caught her staring out the window on a rainy day with such a sad and lost look to her. Aki was the only one that gave a reaction when they had asked him a couple months ago and he had told them that he would leave it to his sister to tell them.
They knew when Usagi didn't want to tell them what was bothering her, nothing under the sun would get her to tell. In that, she was just like them -- stubborn to a fault. That in itself has lead to interesting things in the past few months. However, they do worry about their sunny tenshi. The pain, the sadness ... the darkness didn't belong in her eyes. What happened to her that made her this closed off? Maybe one day they could get her to tell.
"Usagi, Aki called to say that he should be arriving in the evening." Kyle told her cautiously.
The smile she turned on them almost made the blind to the lingering inner turmoil in her eyes. "Maybe we can catch up with him in the commons after they've reported."
Home had to be better than this. All the other children at school had happy parents picking them up, unlike Aki and herself. It could be better, right?
***********************************
It ain't easy, growin' up in WW3
Never knowin' what love could be
You'll see, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it has done my family
***********************************
Aki frowned as he watched his sister finger the only remnant they kept from their broken -- the family portrait. Even from where he sat, he can see the concern in Odin's and Kyle's eyes. To him, it looked like Kyle was about to rip the photo from her and Aki prayed that he would not. Who knew how Usagi would react to that. It wouldn't be the passive way she always accepted things.
It hadn't been easy to grow up with their parents constantly fighting. The only love they came to know was that of a siblings love. A bond was forged during those years that kept the two close no matter how far apart they were. Especially now with the Elementals trying to penetrate the newest threat -- an old enemy from the past. This will not be easy on either on them when they grew up in such a household. They were afraid to lose one another.
Usagi's younger brother ignored his chattering team mates as he gnawed on his lower lip trying to figure out a way to get his sister to open up to someone other than himself. He understood that she didn't want anyone to allow anyone close, thinking that they would only break her heart in the end like her parents. How can he make her see that it wasn't like that everywhere. Granted, it took his team mates a while to get him to open up to them, now they were closer than family ... with the exception of his older sister.
"Hey, Aki ... whatcha staring out into space for?"
"Huh?" He blinked, realizing his sister had disappeared before he turned to face his team mate and gave a sigh. "I'm worried about Usagi. It's harder for her to let go."
"Don't worry, Aki. Kyle and Odin'll bring it out of her, just like we did you." Another team mate reassured him. "With as much effort as she's using to bring them out into the open, it's only a matter of time when the tables are turned on her. I wish I had the strength she did when they assigned me to her."
Aki smiled bitterly. "She's emotionally strong and just as fragile. Usa's always been that way. I worry for her because I know I won't always be there for her. Not with those youmas appearing everywhere."
"Mmm ... speaking of youmas, we'd better go. Team Archangel flies again."
***********************************
Can we work it out
Can we be a family
I promise I'll be better
Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out
Can we be a family
I promise I'll be better
Daddy please don't leave
***********************************
It never did work out in the end, Usagi thought desolately to herself. To the very end her parents continued to yell at each other -- always about her and her brother, about money, about each other's disappearance, about her bi-polar disorder. It was hard to dredge up the good memories when her parents were on talking terms with each other and her mother was on that high peak. They would have fun for a couple days before she was at rock bottom again and the fights would start up again.
Those days, it felt like they were a real family. Things would get better for those couple days and they would do anything for each other to let it continue. They were to be relished because it darkness would only fall over them once again. Usagi and Aki would go back to hiding from the pain and absorbing them in school. It was worse during break when they had no reason to be outside of the house.
She wished everything could have worked out in the end.
She turned away from the window and found two pairs of concerned eyes on her. Smiling, pushing away the pain as the rain let up, she rose to thread her arms through their arms and dragged them along. "C'mon ....Angie and Ian wanted to try that new indoor race track they built a month ago!"
The pain was forgotten for the time being, just like those days they had been a real family.
***********************************
Daddy please stop yelling
I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin'
'Cause I need you around
My mama she loves you
No matter what she says is true
I know that she hurts you
But remember I love you too!
***********************************
"You stupid weak woman!"
Usagi blinked, looking up from her homework at the couple yelling at each other in the middle of a public park. De ja vu washed over her as she turned slightly to look at her brother across from her who had been writing a report. Blue eyes stared at one another before Usagi closed her eyes against the pain she knew was starting to show in her eyes. Why of all days did she have to be reminded of all the yelling. It had been a good day too.
"Usa," A warm body sat next to her, comforting her when it had been the other way around when they were younger. The insults continued to fly as Usagi desperately tried to block the sounds out.
"Weak pathetic woman! You bitch and complain about how stupid it is about your highs and lows and then you don't take the medicine for it! You are *worthless*!" A man's voiced boomed, audible from where two children were studying. Their mother's cries punctuated the empty silences, only to incite their father's rage. They winced, resolutely focusing on their homework. The last time they tried to interfere, they had been beaten with his belt. Which was worse? The physical pain or the mental pain?
Usagi had run in when she was seven, begging her father to stop yelling and to make mother stop crying. Enraged, her father and grabbed her by the arm, dragged her out of the room and proceeded to belt her bottom raw. Later that night, Aki crawled into her bed, crying with her, for the pain she endured and the continued cries of their mother. They couldn't shut out his voice with the pillow or the blankets. They stayed awake all night.
Usagi looked up from her homework when she heard a sniffle across the table. Sliding out of her chair, she went to her brother's side and hugged them. It was always the same. The yelling, the screaming .... and neither one of them could bring themselves to turn cold towards it all. Both of them wished their parents would stop fighting.
"You bastard!" They heard their mother cry out. "You unfeeling coldhearted bastard! You're the one who wanted children and then you saddle me with them when you decide to go on your jaunts! You have no reason to be a part of their lives.! I *hate* you!"
Please, mama ... Usagi thought fearfully, ... don't say that. You don't mean that! Papa, don't go ... we still need you. Please ...
Her brother's cries were tearing down the weak walls that she had thrown up when the yelling started and soon she joined him crying.
"Shhh ...." Aki rocked his sister, holding her tightly. "It's going to be alright." His eyes closed against the pain he knew his sister was in. She had always been the strong one when they were growing up. It was his turn to be there for his sister and support her as she did for him.
"Why, Aki? Why?" She whimpered into his shoulder. "Why must people who love each other be so cruel ....?"
"I don't know, Usa." Her responded desolately, staring at the angry couple before they stalked away from each other. "We'll never let that happen to us. Never. We'll always be here for one another."
"If ... if I ever get into a relationship like that ... just kill me. Please. I don't want to live through that again." she whispered.
***********************************
I ran away today, ran from the noise
Ran away (ran away)
Don't wanna go back to that place
But don't have no choice, no way
***********************************
When the school bell rang, ten year old Usagi rushed out of her classroom towards her locker. Once there, she dumped all her book from her backpack and replaced it with foodstuff. She was going to leave all this behind. All this drama, this pain and start anew. There was no way she wanted to go back.
Quickly, before she was caught, Usagi was out the front doors of the school heading in whatever direction that would take her away from all this pain. Her food supply should last long enough for her to get someplace where she can either steal or work. The situation was getting so bad at home that the prospect of the life on the streets didn't faze her. She knew what the words divorce and separation meant. She heard about the orphanages and foster homes from her school mates. Usagi refused to go there.
The skies were starting to darken, alluding that night was falling upon the colony of L1. Her aimless wandering (her sense of direction was off in trying to find the spaceport) brought her to a park. It looked like this was where she was going to have to stay for the night. Her stomach growled letting her know that she had missed dinner in her attempts to run away.
"Are you sure you want to stay out here this late, little one?" A kindly voice asked her. Scared and startled, she stumbled back from the woman that stood from a bench.
She scrambled backwards away from the stranger. "I ... I ... "
"It's alright, little angel." The woman quietly reassured. "I won't hurt you, but you shouldn't stay out this late." STepping into a pool of light, to show Usagi she meant no harm, the woman kept her hands away from her body.
Usagi looked at her, taking in the long blonde hair and the serene blue eyes that gazed down upon her.
"Usagi Tenshi, isn't it?" The woman asked. "I've seen you around Fairview Elementary School. Don't you have a younger brother?"
Usagi recognized her now. She was the woman that worked in the counselor's office, Ms. Brightwater. "My br .... Aki!" How could she have forgotten about her younger brother? She berated herself. She had promised him that she would always be there for him and look where she way now. No where to give Aki comfort in the maelstrom of chaos known as her family.
"I can take you home, Usagi." Ms. Brightwater offered her.
"Thank you, Ms. Brightwater." Never again will she run away. Not when her brother needed her the most.
***********************************
It ain't easy, growin' up in WW3
Never knowin' what love could be
But I've seen, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it has done my family
***********************************
Usagi bolted up in bed, trying to catch her breath. If it wasn't that odd dream about those mysterious people, it was a nightmare that mocked her childhood. Despite what people thought, she was not the strong person they made her out to be. Late at night, when no one can hear, she would cry herself to sleep from loneliness. Her bright smiles hid the pain that gnawed at her soul. Her sunny disposition disguised the depression buried deep inside.
She wasn't strong. She was weak. Fragile. She could imagine herself being dropped from a small height and shatter as she met the floor and there would be no one there to pick up the pieces. She wrapped her arms around herself, rocking, trying not to let her cries be heard.
Click.
"Usagi?" A soft voice asked into the dark room Usagi recognized as Odin's voice. Trying to stop crying so that he wouldn't know, she failed as a muffled sob answered him.
Awkward arms encircled her, pulling her against a warm body. "Shhh ... There's nothing here to hurt you ...."
But there was, Usagi wanted to scream. There was! He could. Kyle can. Every single person that passed through this dorm. Those of her friends that she kept at arms length. They would take her heart and crush it as her parents had done and leave only the broken remains. They wouldn't care once she was laying on the floor, broken and bleeding. She tried to struggle out of his arms, not wanting to get close, but the empty void of loneliness ached to be filled. And she cried into his shoulder.
Heero tried his best to calm the hysterical angel down but he didn't know how to do it. His training never included comforting another human being, much less receiving it for himself. He imagined Duo and Quatre, reasurring another person and tried his best to imitate their caring personas to help comfort the woman that made his emotions roil in turmoil.
Both of them had to blink as the overhead light was turned on. The last room mate showed up from the tugs he felt in emotions. The bed sank under Kyle's weight as he sat beside Usagi, stroking her hair, unsure of what to do. He exchanges glances with Odin before nodding slightly. "Usagi ... please ... tell us what's wrong. We want to help you."
Usagi shook her head fiercely, burying her face into Odin's shoulder. Never. They would have her love them and then destroy her.
"Usagi ... please." Heero asked begging her. "It hurts us that we don't know how to help you. You've helped so many people, including us and we want to help you in return."
"Usagi, we would never willingly hurt you." Kyle added, hoping they could talk her into confiding to them. "Please trust us. Usagi ...."
For the first time in her life, she took the risk of being hurt once more. Taking a leap of faith, she nodded, murmuring into Odin's shirt. "I'll ... I'll tell you."
"... As children, Aki's and my family wore a mask when we were around other people. Beneath it all, my brother and I lived with our parent's constant fighting ......"
***********************************
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it
Comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a stepbrother anyway
And I don't want my mom to
have to change her last name!
***********************************
That day, their mother dragged us to one of those fancy portrait places, dressed up in comfortable fancy clothes. At least, as comfortable as they got. Everyone was on their best behavior, as it always was when the entire family was together in public. Usagi and Aki bickered a bit, not enough to cause a scene, but definately a sign that they were more comfortable in this kind of atmosphere.
The kind of atmosphere showing that they were a loving family.
The photographer went on saying that the children were well behaved for their age. Usagi couldn't help but think, if they only knew. Even their parents were in on the act, lightly teasing one another about how they looked. It looked more like flirting to Usagi, but what did she know? She was only starting the sixth grade.
The portrait that they took that day sat upon the fireplace mantal, mocking the dysfunctional family. It hung like the mask that it was as the fireplace cast shadows about the room. If only they were really like that. If only all the fighting and the tears would end. Then again, who cares what a child wants.
Usagi and Aki never made a sound towards the fiercely bickering adults. They remained in the shadows of their room comforting each other, giving and gaining strength. School was their only reprieve from the hurtful sounds. They made no close friends, ashamed of bringing them to this place and showing them this lowly lifestyle.
If only ...
"Everything is going to be alright, Usagi. We promise." Kyle said softly giving her a hug. They had no idea that Usagi was going through this much pain. None of her past room mats even hinted at the depression that plagued the bright angel. Hopefully now, she would be as comfortable telling them her problems as they told theirs to hers.
Heero, as Odin, leaned back in his chair. It seems that once again he had underestimated her. At first he had been inclined to agree with his comrade that women were weak. Now he was learning first hand that this was not the case. It confused him, stirred up emotions that he could not, was not allowed to suppress as long as he went by the name of Odin Lowe Jr. And he knew it was only a matter of time before he revealed to his two room mates ... his two friends ... who he really was and didn't relish it. They would spurn him for the murderer he was and he would be forced to become the Perfect Soldier once again.
Usagi returned Kyle's hug, the burden she had kept in her heart lifted, making it lighter. Aki had been right. She needed to let go of the past and open her heart up. It was the only way she could truly live. "Kyle ... Odin ... I've shared my story with you. Would you please tell me about your past?"
Heero hesitated before nodding, falling back slightly on his stronger alter ego to give him strength. "Hai."
"Yeah, Usagi .... I owe it to you." Kyle mumbled, he too had his past he wanted to hide.
***********************************
Mama'll be nicer
I'll be so much better
I'll tell my brother
I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better
I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night
***********************************
Eleven year old Usagi and nine year old Aki stood in the middle of their ruined home. They didn't know what had happened to allow them to survive the destruction, but they were glad they did. The sound of screeching brakes brought them back to reality as they watched their father drive up into the driveway. They could see the look of horror and disbelief in his face.
Their father, slowly got out of his car and approached the house. It looked like he didn't even see them as he stared at the heap of burned wood and ashes that was once a white and blue house. He gave a strangled cry before rushing towards where the room he shared with his wife.
"Papa!" Aki cried out, trying to struggle out from under the cage of wood that trapped his sister and himself within.
Their father never heard him as they watched him look frantically for something. Someone. And when he did, he let loose a cry, holding the broken figure of their mother. Usagi gave a strangled sob as she pounded against the restraining wood. What was keeping it from crushing them?
"No! Daddy, no! Don't leave us!" Usagi screamed as their father brought a gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. The sound of the fired gun resounded in the silent area. Shaking and crying, she held her brother, keeping his face away from the horrid scene.
Who knew how long they stayed there like that. The neighborhood was ruined. Emergency crews were a long ways away, trying to dispense help as they went through the devastated area. A single figure appeared in the distance as the two exhausted children held onto one another. One was asleep, the other was still awake with tears streaming down her face staring at the spot where her parents laid.
Usagi had to blink her eyes as light flooded the once darkened place where Aki and herself was held captive. Kind maroon colored eyes with silver flecks peered down at them. Black hair, or was it a dark green?, was pulled back in what looked like a long braid. A hand came down into her vision.
"Come with me, child. I can take you and your brother away from the war for a short time."
Usagi hesitated as she looked up at her. Familiarity stirred within her as she nodded and trustingly placed her hand in the strangers. A warm smile from the woman made her relax enough to fall asleep.
But as she fell into the depths of slumber, she knew that her father's death would stay with her. Daddy ... please don't leave ....
***********************************
Daddy don't leave...
Daddy don't leave...
***********************************
Usagi smiled as she watched the sun rise, letting go of her past. There was one thing that she had overlooked until now. Her parents did love each other despite it all. Her father had preferred to die than continue his life without his wife. Love hadn't been lost within the family, it had just been put under another facade, another mask that neither children would see. Why it had to be hidden from them, she would never know. She did wish that it didn't have to be hidden and that they had shared it among the four of them.
Later tonight, Kyle would tell his story and Heero would the next night. She knew they won't leave her like her parents did. In her heart, she knew Kyle and Odin would be her new family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: *whew* This has got to be my longest chapter ever! Eight pages, wooo! I've been toying with this idea for a long time now, even before I really started on Hidden or Elements. I didn't think I would end up integrating it into either of the stories, but hey ... it goes well with it! It almost became a one-shot Sailor Moon fic. I may just do that in the future when I find a different song to fit my mood.
I will be adding Kyle's and Heero's stories (or at least, my pathetic version of Heero's story), Both will be put to song. I'll also be adding another side story/interlude (not sure if it'll be in Elements or Hidden yet) about why Usagi died before Crystal Tokyo. I'll eventually add a side story about Rei, Makoto and Yuuchirou, but I know for a fact that is going to be a one shot Sailor Moon fic. As soon as I find an appropriate song for them.
I'm putting this one up now because I'm a bit stumped on how to tackle the whole karaoke part. The next installment of Elements is in the works. I also noticed, after rereading what I have written, that some things don't line up with the story. I'll be going back through what I've written thus far to fix those mistakes. It may end up altering the chapters just a bit, but not enough to mess up the story line (I hope).
Thank you to everyone that's been keeping up with the series so far and to those of you kind enough to leave me reviews. I'll try my best to get more chapters out, but I apologize ahead of time about any delays. I work full time and go to school part time. There's not much time in between to do much else.
Thanks again! Oyasumi nasai!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The grey skies that had threatened to rain for the past two days finally delivered its promise. Slowly at first until it became a downpour. The window, as the rain washed over it, looked like you were looking through a watery mirror. A slender hand rested on the panes, the reflection in the glass showing an unhappy Usagi. Her past was plaguing her and she had no one to talk to. She would talk to her brother, but he wasn't there. He had been placed on a team and they were on a mission.
Usagi sat on the window seat, pulling her knees to her chest, staring dismally into the rain. It was hard to let go of the pain of the past. No matter how much counseling she endured, it always came back. There was nothing to replace the pain or a way for her to come to accept it and put it behind her. No one could see her pain, not even Aki, her brother. She didn't know how to reach out and ask for help. What was that saying? Who will listen to the listener? She was used to giving herself to other people -- to be their pillar, their shoulder, their ear -- that she didn't know how to ask for that favor in return. She didn't know how to release the tormenting cries that plagued her soul. The pain that sered her heart.
Startled, she looked up as a warm hand was placed on her shoulder. Sapphire blue eyes looked up at concerned prussian and jade eyes.
Mama please stop cryin'
I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and it's
Tearing me down
***********************************
Another school day has ended and she stayed around as long as she could seeking help with school work. Somewhere else in the building, she knew her brother was doing the same thing. Neither one of them never wanted to leave the school grounds for home. This was their sanctuary, their haven.
"Usagi."
Sighing, she shut her book and packed up her work reluctantly. She looked up to meet the saddened blue gaze of her brother before nodding. Her brother was a couple years younger than she was and she knew she had to be strong for the both of them. They had been forced to grow up faster than the rest of their classmates. She shouldered her backpack.
"Let's go home, Aki."
They spoke little to one another as they walked home. Once in a while, the elder of nine years would gaze down at her seven year old brother. He didn't deserve to grow up the way he did. Aki would have said the same thing about his gentle sister. They could only support and protect one another the best they could. Soon, they arrived home.
Cynically, Usagi would take in the picture perfect home -- neat lawn, blooming flowers in the flower beds, the immaculately painted white and blue one level ranch style house. Beyond that inviting door would reveal the truth behind the perfect facade. Both children would square their shoulders at the walkway and walk towards the door. There would be no friends that would ever accompany them into the house.
Her heart broke the moment the door closed behind them. She turned to give her brother a comforting hug, knowing that the sounds coming from the kitchen still affected him. Within the other room, they could hear their mother crying her heart out. Taking in a deep breath, to calm her nerves, she called out to let their parents they were home.
"Tadaima."
There was nothing exciting in that declaration. Nor was there a warm answering okaeri. There never was and it wasn't expected. Yet, they could only wish that at least once that it would be said to them.
Sometime after dinner, Usagi and her brother Aki took a walk around the campus. Both of them were content to leave the comfortable silence between them. They relished spending time with each other, having grown up leaning on one another and now they hardly had the time to be with each other. Usagi was stuck on L7 working with those that needed to be integrated into the Academy, such as Kyle and Odin until she was assigned to a team that was suited for her. Aki on the other hand had been placed in a team a two years ago and started going on missions last year. Neither of them had much time to spend with each other anymore.
"Usagi ..." Aki hesitated slightly before plowing ahead. "When are you going to talk about it?"
They both knew what it was. A past they shared with one another that caused them to be loners during their first two years at the Academy. There was only two people they could trust -- themselves and each other. Anyone else was to be kept at arms distance or further. The psychological scar healed faster within Aki than Usagi as when Usagi loved, she gave everything. It was harder for her to get past the pain.
Usagi's steps faltered, her eyes staring down at the ground. "Why? They'll only leave like they did."
"Oneechan ..." Aki stopped and stood in front of his sister, holding her shoulders giving her a slight shake. "How can you know if you don't open up?" He sighed. "I want to see you happy for once, Usagi. You've always given everyone help in their pursuit of happiness but never for yourself. Please, oneechan ... you need more than me to confide in."
"I can still hear the glass break, Aki .... and all the screaming and yelling. I still cower in bed in the morning, half expecting to hear them arguing again." She whispered brokenly.
I hear glasses breaking
As I sit up in my bed
I told God you didn't mean
Those nasty things you said
You fight about money
About me and my brother
And this I come home to
This is my shelter
***********************************
Usagi hid deeper in her covers, trying to block out the sounds of her mother in the next room. Once again her father was called off to a business meeting on L4 to meet with the head of the Winner Corporation, leaving without so much a word to his family. Her mother had taken it an insult having to hear from her father's boss on where he was at. Usagi knew her mother was polite on the phone, but as soon as the phone was down.
She shuddered as she heard glass breaking against the wall. Then the door to her room opened and shut and the shivering body of her brother curled up against her. She couldn't deny her brother what meager comfort she could give to him. Sometimes it was all that helped her get through the night. It comforted her somewhat to help her brother block out the sounds of their mother when she was in her rage.
"Bakayarou! How could you just saddle me with those kids without giving me forewarning!? And never tell me how much in debt we're in!? You never tell me anything!" Usagi held her brother tightly, wishing with all her might that her room was sound proof as they listened through the paper thin walls to their mother ranting and raving about their father. Part of what she said denounced God in their lives. Why couldn't their parents get along better? "You heartless bastard! Damn God for cursing us with this!"
Usagi prayed all of this would end and asked God to help her mother through the low of her mental disorder. Her mother had taught her about God when she was younger, having been a devout Christian before she found her moods swing from one extreme to another.
How she wished that the yelling wasn't a daily ritual. Somedays were better than others, but it wasn't something she wanted to live through.
"Usagi, daijobu?" It was another rainy day and she found herself staring out the window.
Startled, Usagi looked up and then away from the concerned faces, debating within herself. They haven't taken either of them away from her. Yet, she couldn't help think even Kyle and Odin would be taken away just like they were. She felt wanted knowing that these two would only open up to her and no other, unlike her previous room mates. Quietly, she finally responded, "I'm fine."
The two men exchanges glances with each other behind her back. It was rare to find Usagi this depressed. None of her previous room mates ever mentioned this to them and they had asked about her when Usagi was in class. This was probably the third time they have caught her staring out the window on a rainy day with such a sad and lost look to her. Aki was the only one that gave a reaction when they had asked him a couple months ago and he had told them that he would leave it to his sister to tell them.
They knew when Usagi didn't want to tell them what was bothering her, nothing under the sun would get her to tell. In that, she was just like them -- stubborn to a fault. That in itself has lead to interesting things in the past few months. However, they do worry about their sunny tenshi. The pain, the sadness ... the darkness didn't belong in her eyes. What happened to her that made her this closed off? Maybe one day they could get her to tell.
"Usagi, Aki called to say that he should be arriving in the evening." Kyle told her cautiously.
The smile she turned on them almost made the blind to the lingering inner turmoil in her eyes. "Maybe we can catch up with him in the commons after they've reported."
Home had to be better than this. All the other children at school had happy parents picking them up, unlike Aki and herself. It could be better, right?
It ain't easy, growin' up in WW3
Never knowin' what love could be
You'll see, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it has done my family
***********************************
Aki frowned as he watched his sister finger the only remnant they kept from their broken -- the family portrait. Even from where he sat, he can see the concern in Odin's and Kyle's eyes. To him, it looked like Kyle was about to rip the photo from her and Aki prayed that he would not. Who knew how Usagi would react to that. It wouldn't be the passive way she always accepted things.
It hadn't been easy to grow up with their parents constantly fighting. The only love they came to know was that of a siblings love. A bond was forged during those years that kept the two close no matter how far apart they were. Especially now with the Elementals trying to penetrate the newest threat -- an old enemy from the past. This will not be easy on either on them when they grew up in such a household. They were afraid to lose one another.
Usagi's younger brother ignored his chattering team mates as he gnawed on his lower lip trying to figure out a way to get his sister to open up to someone other than himself. He understood that she didn't want anyone to allow anyone close, thinking that they would only break her heart in the end like her parents. How can he make her see that it wasn't like that everywhere. Granted, it took his team mates a while to get him to open up to them, now they were closer than family ... with the exception of his older sister.
"Hey, Aki ... whatcha staring out into space for?"
"Huh?" He blinked, realizing his sister had disappeared before he turned to face his team mate and gave a sigh. "I'm worried about Usagi. It's harder for her to let go."
"Don't worry, Aki. Kyle and Odin'll bring it out of her, just like we did you." Another team mate reassured him. "With as much effort as she's using to bring them out into the open, it's only a matter of time when the tables are turned on her. I wish I had the strength she did when they assigned me to her."
Aki smiled bitterly. "She's emotionally strong and just as fragile. Usa's always been that way. I worry for her because I know I won't always be there for her. Not with those youmas appearing everywhere."
"Mmm ... speaking of youmas, we'd better go. Team Archangel flies again."
Can we work it out
Can we be a family
I promise I'll be better
Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out
Can we be a family
I promise I'll be better
Daddy please don't leave
***********************************
It never did work out in the end, Usagi thought desolately to herself. To the very end her parents continued to yell at each other -- always about her and her brother, about money, about each other's disappearance, about her bi-polar disorder. It was hard to dredge up the good memories when her parents were on talking terms with each other and her mother was on that high peak. They would have fun for a couple days before she was at rock bottom again and the fights would start up again.
Those days, it felt like they were a real family. Things would get better for those couple days and they would do anything for each other to let it continue. They were to be relished because it darkness would only fall over them once again. Usagi and Aki would go back to hiding from the pain and absorbing them in school. It was worse during break when they had no reason to be outside of the house.
She wished everything could have worked out in the end.
She turned away from the window and found two pairs of concerned eyes on her. Smiling, pushing away the pain as the rain let up, she rose to thread her arms through their arms and dragged them along. "C'mon ....Angie and Ian wanted to try that new indoor race track they built a month ago!"
The pain was forgotten for the time being, just like those days they had been a real family.
Daddy please stop yelling
I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin'
'Cause I need you around
My mama she loves you
No matter what she says is true
I know that she hurts you
But remember I love you too!
***********************************
"You stupid weak woman!"
Usagi blinked, looking up from her homework at the couple yelling at each other in the middle of a public park. De ja vu washed over her as she turned slightly to look at her brother across from her who had been writing a report. Blue eyes stared at one another before Usagi closed her eyes against the pain she knew was starting to show in her eyes. Why of all days did she have to be reminded of all the yelling. It had been a good day too.
"Usa," A warm body sat next to her, comforting her when it had been the other way around when they were younger. The insults continued to fly as Usagi desperately tried to block the sounds out.
"Weak pathetic woman! You bitch and complain about how stupid it is about your highs and lows and then you don't take the medicine for it! You are *worthless*!" A man's voiced boomed, audible from where two children were studying. Their mother's cries punctuated the empty silences, only to incite their father's rage. They winced, resolutely focusing on their homework. The last time they tried to interfere, they had been beaten with his belt. Which was worse? The physical pain or the mental pain?
Usagi had run in when she was seven, begging her father to stop yelling and to make mother stop crying. Enraged, her father and grabbed her by the arm, dragged her out of the room and proceeded to belt her bottom raw. Later that night, Aki crawled into her bed, crying with her, for the pain she endured and the continued cries of their mother. They couldn't shut out his voice with the pillow or the blankets. They stayed awake all night.
Usagi looked up from her homework when she heard a sniffle across the table. Sliding out of her chair, she went to her brother's side and hugged them. It was always the same. The yelling, the screaming .... and neither one of them could bring themselves to turn cold towards it all. Both of them wished their parents would stop fighting.
"You bastard!" They heard their mother cry out. "You unfeeling coldhearted bastard! You're the one who wanted children and then you saddle me with them when you decide to go on your jaunts! You have no reason to be a part of their lives.! I *hate* you!"
Please, mama ... Usagi thought fearfully, ... don't say that. You don't mean that! Papa, don't go ... we still need you. Please ...
Her brother's cries were tearing down the weak walls that she had thrown up when the yelling started and soon she joined him crying.
"Shhh ...." Aki rocked his sister, holding her tightly. "It's going to be alright." His eyes closed against the pain he knew his sister was in. She had always been the strong one when they were growing up. It was his turn to be there for his sister and support her as she did for him.
"Why, Aki? Why?" She whimpered into his shoulder. "Why must people who love each other be so cruel ....?"
"I don't know, Usa." Her responded desolately, staring at the angry couple before they stalked away from each other. "We'll never let that happen to us. Never. We'll always be here for one another."
"If ... if I ever get into a relationship like that ... just kill me. Please. I don't want to live through that again." she whispered.
I ran away today, ran from the noise
Ran away (ran away)
Don't wanna go back to that place
But don't have no choice, no way
***********************************
When the school bell rang, ten year old Usagi rushed out of her classroom towards her locker. Once there, she dumped all her book from her backpack and replaced it with foodstuff. She was going to leave all this behind. All this drama, this pain and start anew. There was no way she wanted to go back.
Quickly, before she was caught, Usagi was out the front doors of the school heading in whatever direction that would take her away from all this pain. Her food supply should last long enough for her to get someplace where she can either steal or work. The situation was getting so bad at home that the prospect of the life on the streets didn't faze her. She knew what the words divorce and separation meant. She heard about the orphanages and foster homes from her school mates. Usagi refused to go there.
The skies were starting to darken, alluding that night was falling upon the colony of L1. Her aimless wandering (her sense of direction was off in trying to find the spaceport) brought her to a park. It looked like this was where she was going to have to stay for the night. Her stomach growled letting her know that she had missed dinner in her attempts to run away.
"Are you sure you want to stay out here this late, little one?" A kindly voice asked her. Scared and startled, she stumbled back from the woman that stood from a bench.
She scrambled backwards away from the stranger. "I ... I ... "
"It's alright, little angel." The woman quietly reassured. "I won't hurt you, but you shouldn't stay out this late." STepping into a pool of light, to show Usagi she meant no harm, the woman kept her hands away from her body.
Usagi looked at her, taking in the long blonde hair and the serene blue eyes that gazed down upon her.
"Usagi Tenshi, isn't it?" The woman asked. "I've seen you around Fairview Elementary School. Don't you have a younger brother?"
Usagi recognized her now. She was the woman that worked in the counselor's office, Ms. Brightwater. "My br .... Aki!" How could she have forgotten about her younger brother? She berated herself. She had promised him that she would always be there for him and look where she way now. No where to give Aki comfort in the maelstrom of chaos known as her family.
"I can take you home, Usagi." Ms. Brightwater offered her.
"Thank you, Ms. Brightwater." Never again will she run away. Not when her brother needed her the most.
It ain't easy, growin' up in WW3
Never knowin' what love could be
But I've seen, I don't want love to destroy me
Like it has done my family
***********************************
Usagi bolted up in bed, trying to catch her breath. If it wasn't that odd dream about those mysterious people, it was a nightmare that mocked her childhood. Despite what people thought, she was not the strong person they made her out to be. Late at night, when no one can hear, she would cry herself to sleep from loneliness. Her bright smiles hid the pain that gnawed at her soul. Her sunny disposition disguised the depression buried deep inside.
She wasn't strong. She was weak. Fragile. She could imagine herself being dropped from a small height and shatter as she met the floor and there would be no one there to pick up the pieces. She wrapped her arms around herself, rocking, trying not to let her cries be heard.
Click.
"Usagi?" A soft voice asked into the dark room Usagi recognized as Odin's voice. Trying to stop crying so that he wouldn't know, she failed as a muffled sob answered him.
Awkward arms encircled her, pulling her against a warm body. "Shhh ... There's nothing here to hurt you ...."
But there was, Usagi wanted to scream. There was! He could. Kyle can. Every single person that passed through this dorm. Those of her friends that she kept at arms length. They would take her heart and crush it as her parents had done and leave only the broken remains. They wouldn't care once she was laying on the floor, broken and bleeding. She tried to struggle out of his arms, not wanting to get close, but the empty void of loneliness ached to be filled. And she cried into his shoulder.
Heero tried his best to calm the hysterical angel down but he didn't know how to do it. His training never included comforting another human being, much less receiving it for himself. He imagined Duo and Quatre, reasurring another person and tried his best to imitate their caring personas to help comfort the woman that made his emotions roil in turmoil.
Both of them had to blink as the overhead light was turned on. The last room mate showed up from the tugs he felt in emotions. The bed sank under Kyle's weight as he sat beside Usagi, stroking her hair, unsure of what to do. He exchanges glances with Odin before nodding slightly. "Usagi ... please ... tell us what's wrong. We want to help you."
Usagi shook her head fiercely, burying her face into Odin's shoulder. Never. They would have her love them and then destroy her.
"Usagi ... please." Heero asked begging her. "It hurts us that we don't know how to help you. You've helped so many people, including us and we want to help you in return."
"Usagi, we would never willingly hurt you." Kyle added, hoping they could talk her into confiding to them. "Please trust us. Usagi ...."
For the first time in her life, she took the risk of being hurt once more. Taking a leap of faith, she nodded, murmuring into Odin's shirt. "I'll ... I'll tell you."
"... As children, Aki's and my family wore a mask when we were around other people. Beneath it all, my brother and I lived with our parent's constant fighting ......"
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it
Comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a stepbrother anyway
And I don't want my mom to
have to change her last name!
***********************************
That day, their mother dragged us to one of those fancy portrait places, dressed up in comfortable fancy clothes. At least, as comfortable as they got. Everyone was on their best behavior, as it always was when the entire family was together in public. Usagi and Aki bickered a bit, not enough to cause a scene, but definately a sign that they were more comfortable in this kind of atmosphere.
The kind of atmosphere showing that they were a loving family.
The photographer went on saying that the children were well behaved for their age. Usagi couldn't help but think, if they only knew. Even their parents were in on the act, lightly teasing one another about how they looked. It looked more like flirting to Usagi, but what did she know? She was only starting the sixth grade.
The portrait that they took that day sat upon the fireplace mantal, mocking the dysfunctional family. It hung like the mask that it was as the fireplace cast shadows about the room. If only they were really like that. If only all the fighting and the tears would end. Then again, who cares what a child wants.
Usagi and Aki never made a sound towards the fiercely bickering adults. They remained in the shadows of their room comforting each other, giving and gaining strength. School was their only reprieve from the hurtful sounds. They made no close friends, ashamed of bringing them to this place and showing them this lowly lifestyle.
If only ...
"Everything is going to be alright, Usagi. We promise." Kyle said softly giving her a hug. They had no idea that Usagi was going through this much pain. None of her past room mats even hinted at the depression that plagued the bright angel. Hopefully now, she would be as comfortable telling them her problems as they told theirs to hers.
Heero, as Odin, leaned back in his chair. It seems that once again he had underestimated her. At first he had been inclined to agree with his comrade that women were weak. Now he was learning first hand that this was not the case. It confused him, stirred up emotions that he could not, was not allowed to suppress as long as he went by the name of Odin Lowe Jr. And he knew it was only a matter of time before he revealed to his two room mates ... his two friends ... who he really was and didn't relish it. They would spurn him for the murderer he was and he would be forced to become the Perfect Soldier once again.
Usagi returned Kyle's hug, the burden she had kept in her heart lifted, making it lighter. Aki had been right. She needed to let go of the past and open her heart up. It was the only way she could truly live. "Kyle ... Odin ... I've shared my story with you. Would you please tell me about your past?"
Heero hesitated before nodding, falling back slightly on his stronger alter ego to give him strength. "Hai."
"Yeah, Usagi .... I owe it to you." Kyle mumbled, he too had his past he wanted to hide.
Mama'll be nicer
I'll be so much better
I'll tell my brother
I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better
I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night
***********************************
Eleven year old Usagi and nine year old Aki stood in the middle of their ruined home. They didn't know what had happened to allow them to survive the destruction, but they were glad they did. The sound of screeching brakes brought them back to reality as they watched their father drive up into the driveway. They could see the look of horror and disbelief in his face.
Their father, slowly got out of his car and approached the house. It looked like he didn't even see them as he stared at the heap of burned wood and ashes that was once a white and blue house. He gave a strangled cry before rushing towards where the room he shared with his wife.
"Papa!" Aki cried out, trying to struggle out from under the cage of wood that trapped his sister and himself within.
Their father never heard him as they watched him look frantically for something. Someone. And when he did, he let loose a cry, holding the broken figure of their mother. Usagi gave a strangled sob as she pounded against the restraining wood. What was keeping it from crushing them?
"No! Daddy, no! Don't leave us!" Usagi screamed as their father brought a gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. The sound of the fired gun resounded in the silent area. Shaking and crying, she held her brother, keeping his face away from the horrid scene.
Who knew how long they stayed there like that. The neighborhood was ruined. Emergency crews were a long ways away, trying to dispense help as they went through the devastated area. A single figure appeared in the distance as the two exhausted children held onto one another. One was asleep, the other was still awake with tears streaming down her face staring at the spot where her parents laid.
Usagi had to blink her eyes as light flooded the once darkened place where Aki and herself was held captive. Kind maroon colored eyes with silver flecks peered down at them. Black hair, or was it a dark green?, was pulled back in what looked like a long braid. A hand came down into her vision.
"Come with me, child. I can take you and your brother away from the war for a short time."
Usagi hesitated as she looked up at her. Familiarity stirred within her as she nodded and trustingly placed her hand in the strangers. A warm smile from the woman made her relax enough to fall asleep.
But as she fell into the depths of slumber, she knew that her father's death would stay with her. Daddy ... please don't leave ....
Daddy don't leave...
Daddy don't leave...
***********************************
Usagi smiled as she watched the sun rise, letting go of her past. There was one thing that she had overlooked until now. Her parents did love each other despite it all. Her father had preferred to die than continue his life without his wife. Love hadn't been lost within the family, it had just been put under another facade, another mask that neither children would see. Why it had to be hidden from them, she would never know. She did wish that it didn't have to be hidden and that they had shared it among the four of them.
Later tonight, Kyle would tell his story and Heero would the next night. She knew they won't leave her like her parents did. In her heart, she knew Kyle and Odin would be her new family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: *whew* This has got to be my longest chapter ever! Eight pages, wooo! I've been toying with this idea for a long time now, even before I really started on Hidden or Elements. I didn't think I would end up integrating it into either of the stories, but hey ... it goes well with it! It almost became a one-shot Sailor Moon fic. I may just do that in the future when I find a different song to fit my mood.
I will be adding Kyle's and Heero's stories (or at least, my pathetic version of Heero's story), Both will be put to song. I'll also be adding another side story/interlude (not sure if it'll be in Elements or Hidden yet) about why Usagi died before Crystal Tokyo. I'll eventually add a side story about Rei, Makoto and Yuuchirou, but I know for a fact that is going to be a one shot Sailor Moon fic. As soon as I find an appropriate song for them.
I'm putting this one up now because I'm a bit stumped on how to tackle the whole karaoke part. The next installment of Elements is in the works. I also noticed, after rereading what I have written, that some things don't line up with the story. I'll be going back through what I've written thus far to fix those mistakes. It may end up altering the chapters just a bit, but not enough to mess up the story line (I hope).
Thank you to everyone that's been keeping up with the series so far and to those of you kind enough to leave me reviews. I'll try my best to get more chapters out, but I apologize ahead of time about any delays. I work full time and go to school part time. There's not much time in between to do much else.
Thanks again! Oyasumi nasai!