Britz-G'day folks, well thanks to a friend of mine, Elcolo9 (blame him for all of this, kidding), and a need to return to my roots I've done the undoable, thought the unthinkable and wrote the unwritable. Is it god-given talent my friends? No, just stupidity.
Disclaimer-We've been through this...
The Day Da Music Died Part 4 (Crap, revisited)
(Scene- Back where it all began, no not the construction site ya gimp, the radio station, the next day.)
Marco-Hey ho! Welcome to another day with the Rachel and Marco show!
Rachel-Much love y'all! Get ready to rock *BEEEEEP*! (Ahem, first chapter.)
Marco-I must say Rachel; you look much brighter today, what with the death of your one true love on yesterday's show.
Rachel-Well I did some soul searching last night and came to the realisation that it would never work out in the long run, I mean, He's a bird and I'm a gorgeous woman who has needs that poultry can't satisfy.
Marco-*gags* So very much wrong with that sentence.
Rachel-*annoyed* ANYWAY, I would have to break it off sooner or later, his death makes it that much easier, plus it's probably better for him this way, better dead than as devastated as he would be at me breaking up with him right?
Marco-Of course *discreetly into his mike* 'cough' issues 'cough' emotional baggage 'cough'.
Rachel-Besides, the sex was terrible.
Marco-*suddenly enthralled* Reeeally?
Rachel-Why do you think he would always go on about his "inexperience in human form", that excuse got old fast.
Marco-You don't say.
Rachel-I think it's pretty clear I do say, also he had, how can you say "stamina problems."
Marco-You don't say.
Rachel-I just did, sure, he'd always claim he had to hurry because of the two-hour time limit but mention the other hour and 58 minutes he had and he'd get all huffy.
Marco-Gee, two minutes, that's not that bad is it...?
Rachel-Excuse me?
Marco-Lets change the subject, now, how about one of my patented prank calls? *Presses a button*
*Deep Male Voice*-Now it's time for another of Marco's (various boings, beeps and rings are heard) Crank Calls.
(A phone rings and Erek the Chee answers)
Erek-A-hoi-hoi.
Marco-*his deep, serious, crank phone call voice* hello, is this a Mr Erek King, Erek King the Chee?
Erek-Speaking, I mean no! Erek King, yeah, Chee, what are Chee? I don't know what you're talking about!! Pheew, almost let the cat out of the bag there.
Marco-Chee out of the secret hidden dog city don't you mean?
Erek-Yeah, I mean NO! Damn your human mind games!
Marco-It's okay, I know.
Erek-Who is this?
Marco-That's classified, call me a friend, I want to help you but first you must tell me, is your refrigerator running?
Erek-What would it matter? We don't use it.
Marco-Just check it!
Erek-Okay, okay, *walks off, a door is heard being opened and closed* yeah, it's running.
Marco-Then you'd better go catch it then!
Erek-Huh?
Marco-Catch it! Cause, y'know, it's running.
Erek-I'm not following you.
Marco-*hangs up, normal voice* damn robots, no sense of humour.
Rachel-I think we need a different approach.
Marco-You're the boss, or am I? I never have gotten this set-up.
(Phone rings, Erek answers again)
Erek-Hello?
Rachel-*Stereotyped secretary voice* Hello, please hold for George Lucas.
Erek-Why should I hold, he just called me!
Rachel-Please hold..*passes the phone to Marco*
Marco-Umm, arr, okay, *takes the phone, with a decent Lucas impression* Hello, is this Erek the Chee?
Erek-Yes, NO! YES! DAMNIT!!
Marco-I already know about the Chee Erek, calm down.
Erek-Really? What from that refrigerator repairman who just called?
Marco-Yep.
Erek-Wow, news travels fast.
Marco-When you control the box office you control, information.
Erek-You must be the real deal then, what can I do you for Mr Lucas?
Marco-Please, just call me George.
Erek-Really?
Marco-No, anyway Erek I'm calling to ask you how would you and some of your stainless steel cronies like to be in episode three?
Erek-*excited* would we!
Marco-Well would you?
Erek-Uhh, yes.
Marco-Fantastic.
Erek-Hey, we are talking about Star War's right?
Marco-*sarcastic* naaah, episode three of Howard the Duck.
Erek-Oh, then, I'm not so sure...
Marco-That was a joke Erek.
Erek-Oh right, a joke, uhh *loud phoney laugh*
Marco-Don't humour me.
Erek-*meek* sorry.
Marco-So you're in then? I'll set up an audition, fantastic!
Erek-There may be a few conditions though.
Marco-Okay then, what might they be?
Erek-Well I don't think of any of us are prepared to do full frontal nudity.
Marco-Excuse me?!
Erek-I'm sorry Mr Lucas but we saw that episode one and thought that those bits with C3-PO were a little too racy, I don't think any of us we'll do that unless it was absolutely necessary to the plot.
Marco-Riiiight.
Erek-Although just between me and you, I thought that it was really hot.
Marco-*cupping his hand over the phone so Erek can't hear* Ewwww, disturbing. * back on the phone* what are your other conditions then?
Erek-We'll want our own trailers, nothing like those battle droids in the episode one, I was appalled at the conditions they had to work under, all folded up like that, so nothing like that for us Chee, we're union.
Marco-Fair enough, I learned my lesson from that movie all the same, the money we shelled out to those extras was incredible, and when Calista Flockhart got mixed up with them and got folded up, well there was hell to pay...
Erek-Fair enough, our final condition Mr Lucas is no slicing and dicing, I don't want to get into that, the nightmares were enough, and humans think that "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is bad, try being a robot watching episodes one and two, a little to explicit I think but lets not get into that, I just want us to all be in one piece at the end of the working week.
Marco-But the actors are getting sick of working with blue screens Erek, they'd like something to really sink their light sabres into.
Erek-Hmm, I'll see what I can do but you'll have to do me a favour in return..
Marco-Anything, just name it.
Erek-Could you get me the numbers of a few of those Droidekas, my food processor and I are SOOO into them, what hunks!
Marco-I'll see what I can do for you and everything seems fine, hold and the line and I'll be right back with an audition date.
Erek-Sure thing Mr Lucas.
*Marco puts him on hold and the holding music is softly heard as he puts the phone down, which is of course, the 'Star Wars' theme.*
Marco-*normal voice* Another satisfied customer, *him and Rachel high five*
Rachel-Beautiful stuff, alright let's start off our music with Metallica's 'The Unforgiven'.
Marco-Tell me something Rachel, every other song we've played has been a fan-fic song or B.S. Why a real song this time?
Rachel-There's a reason but only something that Elcolo and anyone who knows him personally is going to understand, lets not go into it.
*Metallica's The Unforgiven plays, 6 and a half minutes later....*
Marco-Okay, and we're back!
Rachel-And with us today are very special, inter-fic guests: The Antimorphs. Well three of them at least.
David-Hey.
Aleks-Morning.
Ripper-Pleasure to be here Rachel, Marco, ya stinkin' dogs.
Rachel-Great to have you, now maybe we could start with you telling us a little bit about your selves and your series, "The Antimorphs Saga."
David-Oh I think they people out there know all about us from the series.
Marco-Maybe you could explain for those who don't.
Aleks-Excuse me? *into the mike* What does he mean? What are you doing here? Get the fuck outta here and read it!!
Rachel-Umm, okay, thank god we got ride of those, uhh, people.
Marco-How about you start by telling us how you got your name.
David-Well it was me who coined it actually, it's just saying about my hatred for the Animorphs, how I'm like the Anti-morph, you see?
Rachel-No I don't, you still use morphs so you're not against morphs, shouldn't it be Anti-Animorphs?
David-I thought about it but it's not as catchy.
Marco-Well when your series is just starting it's like a delicate flower, you've got to have something to get you read by the jaded fanfic.net public.
Aleks-So you see our point.
Rachel-Quite. So how come not all of you could make it? Contractual agreements?
Ripper-No, YOU STUPID DOG-BITCH! It would just be too confusing if all the Anti's were here, so we got picked as we're the favourites *begins stabbing self in leg and drooling*
Rachel-I can see why Britz would pick you, finally a character he can relate too.
David-Tell me something exactly how are we here with you, Marco, who I thought was dead and Rachel, who's infested, being interviewed when only yesterday you had me, only not me, as a rat rapper who got killed?
Marco-It's an inter-fic, plot-hole, dimension-crossing thing.
Aleks-Or what we call Tuesday in our series.
Rachel-Yes, that brings up a point I wanted, uhh, brought up, you guys do seem to have a lot of strange mind-bending adventures don't you? Your stories seem to have more twists and turns than Chubby Checker in a blender quite frankly.
David-You're quite right, it's a strange universe out there and we've only yet began exploring it, but it's all linked up, by the time our creator's done it'll look like a toddlers interpretation of connect the dots on several metaphysical planes.
Marco-Sounds more complex than a season's worth of Dragonball Z.
Aleks-Too true, I'm living it and I still have no idea what the fuck's going on.
Rachel-Now fellows, since you're very special guests on today's show we thought we'd do something a little special, dim the lights please...
David-Oh! Oh! Is this a surprise? I love surprises! *going off everyone else's looks* what? What?....Well I don't care, I'm still the toughest.
Marco-Umm, Rachel we don't have a dimmer switch.
Rachel-Kind of a moot point anyway, what with this being a radio show, alright, David, do you recognise this voice...
*Voice comes out of the speakers." Hello? Hello, is this thing on?
Rachel-Tobias?
David-Why Tobias? Not much of a surprise if you ask me.
Tobias-Rachel, is that you? I heard the show Rachel, please no! I can change!
Rachel-Damnit Tobias! We contacted the other spiritual plain to talk to Sanders, not you!
David-Sanders?
Tobias-I know, but I heard the show, please Rachel, don't do it!
Rachel-No dice bird-boy, I'm a woman with needs. You however, are a dead bird.
David-I get to talk to Sanders?
Tobias-I can change! Well, okay maybe not the dead thing, and the bird things kind of my whole gimmick.
Marco-What about the bedroom trouble?
Tobias-Hmm, well look at it this way, medical science is moving so fast, who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Rachel-Sorry Tobias, I know it hurts but, I've moved on, I have a new lover.
Tobias-What? I only died yesterday! What's his name?
Rachel-Uhh, it's, uhh, Ripper! Yeah Ripper.
Ripper-*quits drooling at long last* I'm your lover? Damn amnesia, finally something worth remembering!
Tobias-What, that psychotic, dog-eating savage from the Antimorph's Saga?
Ripper-One and the same.
Tobias-Damn, I can't compete with that, *away from the speaker* alright Sanders, you have the phone, there's nothing more for me, think I'll go blow myself away, siiigh.
Sanders-What good will that do? You're already dead.
Tobias-Damnit Sanders! I was trying to get Rachel to feel guilty and at least get a little pity sex, well looks like I'll be 'flying solo' from now on, if you get what I mean.
Sanders-Unfortunately I do, *on the inter-plain of existence phone* Hello?
David-Sanders? Is it really you?
Sanders-In the flesh, well not so much flesh, fuck it, yeah it's me.
Aleks-Uh....Oh
David-*wipes away a tear* Kill the fattened calf, he who is lost is now found!
Ripper-...I don't see any calf, but I could kill Marco if you'd like.
David-Not necessary, Sanders my boy, how's death been treating you?
Sanders-Can't complain I suppose, but never mind that, Aleks, is he with you?
Aleks-Oy vey, it's gonna hit the fan now...*starts to sneak away*
David-He's right here, why do you ask?
Sanders-Well I've got a bit of a thing against him nowadays you see, he killed me in fact.
David-He did what? *spots Aleks* Aleks! You gots some 'splainin' to dooo!
Aleks-Well it's like this you see, I kinda, sort of, snapped his neck so I could become second-in-command.
Sanders-Bingo.
David-*chuckles* why you boys will be boys, well you two just stop the fussin' and the fightin', shake hands and Aleks can buy a round of beers for us all and we'll just forget the whole thing ever happened.
Aleks-Well I must say that's terribly sporting of you.
David-Hey, we're all mates here.
Ripper-Hang on, mates? This isn't really David, *he leaps over and pulls off David face to reveal.*
Britz-Ummm, G'day.
All-Britz!
Ripper-I should've know you'd turn up Britz! *demorphs to reveal it's really Elcolo9!*
Britz-Elcolo, mate, what are you doing here?
Elcolo9-I knew with the combination of the Antimorph's skill for confusing plots and the and the off-kilter humour of your fics, a plot would develop that nobody would understand but me!
Marco-Wait, I'm confused.
Elcolo9-See!
Marco-*Pulls off a mask to reveal he's Fred Durst* No, I still don't understand what's going on. *puts the Marco face back on*
Britz-But you were wrong Elcolo, for I'm not really Britz! *pulls off another mask.* I'm really LaRouche, and I'm here to warn you about a large gelatinous creature that could destroy the world!
Rachel-I used to be a man! And I'm pregnant with Tak Sistranous baby who is prophesied to grow up and avenge his father's death!
Elcolo9-Haha LaRouche! I already knew you weren't Britz, because..*pulls off another mask* I'm really Britz, here to catch anyway attempting to imitate me in this fic and ruin my good name!
*earthquakes begin rocking the building*
Aleks-Britz! You're writing this crap, what's going on?
Britz-The plot hole created by this melding of fics is collapsing and creating strange off shoots, something like that I suppose, I'm probably not the one to ask though, I'm not actually Britz I'm a shiftie posing as him so I could create this plot hole and kill us all!
Kil-Um241-*suddenly turns up at the door* Remember me? Planet Styx, Chapter 20, when you stick a droid with a Drac-Pike, make sure you finish the job.
Aleks-*Pulls off a mask to reveal he was in fact David all along* Lets get it on.
*The roof collapses and both Britz and Elcolo come swinging in*
Elcolo-Guys, we know how to stop this, all you have to do is...
*everything explodes*
*Much later... The radio station is rubble, bodies lie amongst it all*
Rachel-*wakes up* what the hell was that?
Ripper-*getting up, pulling off the tattered remains of his LaRouche mask* The fic plotlines collided, resulting in illogical circumstances and eventually, complete destruction of everything that made sense.
Rachel-Why's that then?
Ripper-What am I? The narrator? Hmm, looks like nobody else survived.
Kil-Um-*rises from the rubble* Actually I'm still here.
Rachel-Uh-oh, you're not still gonna kill us are you?
Kil-Um-You know, I don't think I will, I feel like maybe, this is a sign, no more killing, no I'm turning my life around, I think, I think maybe this is a chance for a new beginning.
Ripper-So what will you do then?
Kil-Um-I like animals, maybe I'll become a petting zoo attendant.
Erek-*turns up on the scene in Chee form* OhmyGod! I traced Mr Lucas's number to here, did he get out okay?!
Rachel-Umm sure, he's fine.
Erek-Well good, I just thought maybe...*sees Kil-Um, electronic eyes glaze over.*
Kil-Um-*Sees Erek, voice box drops open*
*there's electricity in the air and it's not just a leak in Kil-Um's power source, there's a fade-in fade-out shot of Erek and Kil-Um running towards each other in a field of daisies, and we're back.*
Kil-Um-Speaking of new beginnings *to Erek* Hi, I'm Kil-Um241.
Erek-Hey I'm Erek, that's some shiny heat-sensors you've got there. *In head, 'OhmiGod, I can't believe I just complimented his heat sensors!'*
Kil-Um-Thanks, listen, I don't want to be to forward, but maybe, uhh, just perhaps, y'know if you're not doing anything maybe you'd like to, y'know, catch a human projection entertainment with me?
Erek-*gushing* I'd love too! *the new couple walk away together*
Kil-Um-I hope you won't think me to corny if I tell you your camera-lense eyes are the prettiest I've ever seen..*they walk out of hearing range*
Rachel-Riiiight, well as strange as it is, I guess all's well that ends well.
Ripper-How is this well? David's dead, so is my and your creators Elcolo9 and Britz.
Rachel-Wait, those aren't really Elcolo and Britz, *she sits beside the body and pulls off the masks to reveal they're actually the dead bodies of Regis Philban and a mutant gerbil named Trevor*
Ripper-Ahh the glorious life of an Antimorph. How about Marco?
Rachel-He's over here, *rolls over Marcos body* ouch, looks like this videotape was turned into a lethal projectile by the explosion, it's imbedded inside his head.
Ripper-So video killed the radio star? How ironic.....Want to grab a coffee?
Rachel-Yeah okay. *they walk off*
Ripper-So we were lovers?
Rachel-well, not yet, heheh.
Ripper-How intriguing, you wouldn't be trying to seduce me would you Ms Berenson?
Rachel-Hey, you're cute and I'm available, what the hell.
~The Wrap Up~
Kil-Um and Erek were married, Kil-Um got the job he desired at the petting-zoo section at The Gardens but was fired after he branded all the animals there, he went through several jobs with Erek's support and finally found happiness as a florist, unfortunately several years into his marriage to Erek he came home and found Erek in bed with their neighbours garbage disposal unit, he blew both of them away before turning his guns on himself and blowing himself, the house and several neighbouring properties sky-high.
Rachel and Ripper did become lovers and discovered both shared the Angelina Joulie/Billy Bob Thorton-esque passion for weird-lovin', they married immediately, moved into a house with a white picket fence, had 2.4 children and bought a golden retriever (which Ripper unfortunately killed and ate, much to his children's dismay.) Both passed away together in their bed at the ripe old age of 80 after a snake and knife handling accident during a night of lovemaking.
On the other side Sanders and Tobias could make no sense of what had happened till Regis turned up and explained it as best he could, to end with some more couple endings, Tobias moved on and became a dead Amazon's bitch, Sanders briefly dated Marilyn Monroe but she left him for a mutant gerbil named Trevor, he spent the best part of eternity after that taking cold showers.
As for David, he died but was saved by Puck and reincarnated as the son of a goat herder on the Planet of the Apes, he still has the destiny of destroying the universe which we all wait eagerly so we might be able to make sense of this mess of a fic.
Britz gave this finished product to Elcolo for a proofread and there was much rejoicing. Elcolo read the fic and killed Britz for character assassination, and there was much rejoicing.
Britz-And I'm spent, review it already.
Disclaimer-We've been through this...
The Day Da Music Died Part 4 (Crap, revisited)
(Scene- Back where it all began, no not the construction site ya gimp, the radio station, the next day.)
Marco-Hey ho! Welcome to another day with the Rachel and Marco show!
Rachel-Much love y'all! Get ready to rock *BEEEEEP*! (Ahem, first chapter.)
Marco-I must say Rachel; you look much brighter today, what with the death of your one true love on yesterday's show.
Rachel-Well I did some soul searching last night and came to the realisation that it would never work out in the long run, I mean, He's a bird and I'm a gorgeous woman who has needs that poultry can't satisfy.
Marco-*gags* So very much wrong with that sentence.
Rachel-*annoyed* ANYWAY, I would have to break it off sooner or later, his death makes it that much easier, plus it's probably better for him this way, better dead than as devastated as he would be at me breaking up with him right?
Marco-Of course *discreetly into his mike* 'cough' issues 'cough' emotional baggage 'cough'.
Rachel-Besides, the sex was terrible.
Marco-*suddenly enthralled* Reeeally?
Rachel-Why do you think he would always go on about his "inexperience in human form", that excuse got old fast.
Marco-You don't say.
Rachel-I think it's pretty clear I do say, also he had, how can you say "stamina problems."
Marco-You don't say.
Rachel-I just did, sure, he'd always claim he had to hurry because of the two-hour time limit but mention the other hour and 58 minutes he had and he'd get all huffy.
Marco-Gee, two minutes, that's not that bad is it...?
Rachel-Excuse me?
Marco-Lets change the subject, now, how about one of my patented prank calls? *Presses a button*
*Deep Male Voice*-Now it's time for another of Marco's (various boings, beeps and rings are heard) Crank Calls.
(A phone rings and Erek the Chee answers)
Erek-A-hoi-hoi.
Marco-*his deep, serious, crank phone call voice* hello, is this a Mr Erek King, Erek King the Chee?
Erek-Speaking, I mean no! Erek King, yeah, Chee, what are Chee? I don't know what you're talking about!! Pheew, almost let the cat out of the bag there.
Marco-Chee out of the secret hidden dog city don't you mean?
Erek-Yeah, I mean NO! Damn your human mind games!
Marco-It's okay, I know.
Erek-Who is this?
Marco-That's classified, call me a friend, I want to help you but first you must tell me, is your refrigerator running?
Erek-What would it matter? We don't use it.
Marco-Just check it!
Erek-Okay, okay, *walks off, a door is heard being opened and closed* yeah, it's running.
Marco-Then you'd better go catch it then!
Erek-Huh?
Marco-Catch it! Cause, y'know, it's running.
Erek-I'm not following you.
Marco-*hangs up, normal voice* damn robots, no sense of humour.
Rachel-I think we need a different approach.
Marco-You're the boss, or am I? I never have gotten this set-up.
(Phone rings, Erek answers again)
Erek-Hello?
Rachel-*Stereotyped secretary voice* Hello, please hold for George Lucas.
Erek-Why should I hold, he just called me!
Rachel-Please hold..*passes the phone to Marco*
Marco-Umm, arr, okay, *takes the phone, with a decent Lucas impression* Hello, is this Erek the Chee?
Erek-Yes, NO! YES! DAMNIT!!
Marco-I already know about the Chee Erek, calm down.
Erek-Really? What from that refrigerator repairman who just called?
Marco-Yep.
Erek-Wow, news travels fast.
Marco-When you control the box office you control, information.
Erek-You must be the real deal then, what can I do you for Mr Lucas?
Marco-Please, just call me George.
Erek-Really?
Marco-No, anyway Erek I'm calling to ask you how would you and some of your stainless steel cronies like to be in episode three?
Erek-*excited* would we!
Marco-Well would you?
Erek-Uhh, yes.
Marco-Fantastic.
Erek-Hey, we are talking about Star War's right?
Marco-*sarcastic* naaah, episode three of Howard the Duck.
Erek-Oh, then, I'm not so sure...
Marco-That was a joke Erek.
Erek-Oh right, a joke, uhh *loud phoney laugh*
Marco-Don't humour me.
Erek-*meek* sorry.
Marco-So you're in then? I'll set up an audition, fantastic!
Erek-There may be a few conditions though.
Marco-Okay then, what might they be?
Erek-Well I don't think of any of us are prepared to do full frontal nudity.
Marco-Excuse me?!
Erek-I'm sorry Mr Lucas but we saw that episode one and thought that those bits with C3-PO were a little too racy, I don't think any of us we'll do that unless it was absolutely necessary to the plot.
Marco-Riiiight.
Erek-Although just between me and you, I thought that it was really hot.
Marco-*cupping his hand over the phone so Erek can't hear* Ewwww, disturbing. * back on the phone* what are your other conditions then?
Erek-We'll want our own trailers, nothing like those battle droids in the episode one, I was appalled at the conditions they had to work under, all folded up like that, so nothing like that for us Chee, we're union.
Marco-Fair enough, I learned my lesson from that movie all the same, the money we shelled out to those extras was incredible, and when Calista Flockhart got mixed up with them and got folded up, well there was hell to pay...
Erek-Fair enough, our final condition Mr Lucas is no slicing and dicing, I don't want to get into that, the nightmares were enough, and humans think that "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is bad, try being a robot watching episodes one and two, a little to explicit I think but lets not get into that, I just want us to all be in one piece at the end of the working week.
Marco-But the actors are getting sick of working with blue screens Erek, they'd like something to really sink their light sabres into.
Erek-Hmm, I'll see what I can do but you'll have to do me a favour in return..
Marco-Anything, just name it.
Erek-Could you get me the numbers of a few of those Droidekas, my food processor and I are SOOO into them, what hunks!
Marco-I'll see what I can do for you and everything seems fine, hold and the line and I'll be right back with an audition date.
Erek-Sure thing Mr Lucas.
*Marco puts him on hold and the holding music is softly heard as he puts the phone down, which is of course, the 'Star Wars' theme.*
Marco-*normal voice* Another satisfied customer, *him and Rachel high five*
Rachel-Beautiful stuff, alright let's start off our music with Metallica's 'The Unforgiven'.
Marco-Tell me something Rachel, every other song we've played has been a fan-fic song or B.S. Why a real song this time?
Rachel-There's a reason but only something that Elcolo and anyone who knows him personally is going to understand, lets not go into it.
*Metallica's The Unforgiven plays, 6 and a half minutes later....*
Marco-Okay, and we're back!
Rachel-And with us today are very special, inter-fic guests: The Antimorphs. Well three of them at least.
David-Hey.
Aleks-Morning.
Ripper-Pleasure to be here Rachel, Marco, ya stinkin' dogs.
Rachel-Great to have you, now maybe we could start with you telling us a little bit about your selves and your series, "The Antimorphs Saga."
David-Oh I think they people out there know all about us from the series.
Marco-Maybe you could explain for those who don't.
Aleks-Excuse me? *into the mike* What does he mean? What are you doing here? Get the fuck outta here and read it!!
Rachel-Umm, okay, thank god we got ride of those, uhh, people.
Marco-How about you start by telling us how you got your name.
David-Well it was me who coined it actually, it's just saying about my hatred for the Animorphs, how I'm like the Anti-morph, you see?
Rachel-No I don't, you still use morphs so you're not against morphs, shouldn't it be Anti-Animorphs?
David-I thought about it but it's not as catchy.
Marco-Well when your series is just starting it's like a delicate flower, you've got to have something to get you read by the jaded fanfic.net public.
Aleks-So you see our point.
Rachel-Quite. So how come not all of you could make it? Contractual agreements?
Ripper-No, YOU STUPID DOG-BITCH! It would just be too confusing if all the Anti's were here, so we got picked as we're the favourites *begins stabbing self in leg and drooling*
Rachel-I can see why Britz would pick you, finally a character he can relate too.
David-Tell me something exactly how are we here with you, Marco, who I thought was dead and Rachel, who's infested, being interviewed when only yesterday you had me, only not me, as a rat rapper who got killed?
Marco-It's an inter-fic, plot-hole, dimension-crossing thing.
Aleks-Or what we call Tuesday in our series.
Rachel-Yes, that brings up a point I wanted, uhh, brought up, you guys do seem to have a lot of strange mind-bending adventures don't you? Your stories seem to have more twists and turns than Chubby Checker in a blender quite frankly.
David-You're quite right, it's a strange universe out there and we've only yet began exploring it, but it's all linked up, by the time our creator's done it'll look like a toddlers interpretation of connect the dots on several metaphysical planes.
Marco-Sounds more complex than a season's worth of Dragonball Z.
Aleks-Too true, I'm living it and I still have no idea what the fuck's going on.
Rachel-Now fellows, since you're very special guests on today's show we thought we'd do something a little special, dim the lights please...
David-Oh! Oh! Is this a surprise? I love surprises! *going off everyone else's looks* what? What?....Well I don't care, I'm still the toughest.
Marco-Umm, Rachel we don't have a dimmer switch.
Rachel-Kind of a moot point anyway, what with this being a radio show, alright, David, do you recognise this voice...
*Voice comes out of the speakers." Hello? Hello, is this thing on?
Rachel-Tobias?
David-Why Tobias? Not much of a surprise if you ask me.
Tobias-Rachel, is that you? I heard the show Rachel, please no! I can change!
Rachel-Damnit Tobias! We contacted the other spiritual plain to talk to Sanders, not you!
David-Sanders?
Tobias-I know, but I heard the show, please Rachel, don't do it!
Rachel-No dice bird-boy, I'm a woman with needs. You however, are a dead bird.
David-I get to talk to Sanders?
Tobias-I can change! Well, okay maybe not the dead thing, and the bird things kind of my whole gimmick.
Marco-What about the bedroom trouble?
Tobias-Hmm, well look at it this way, medical science is moving so fast, who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Rachel-Sorry Tobias, I know it hurts but, I've moved on, I have a new lover.
Tobias-What? I only died yesterday! What's his name?
Rachel-Uhh, it's, uhh, Ripper! Yeah Ripper.
Ripper-*quits drooling at long last* I'm your lover? Damn amnesia, finally something worth remembering!
Tobias-What, that psychotic, dog-eating savage from the Antimorph's Saga?
Ripper-One and the same.
Tobias-Damn, I can't compete with that, *away from the speaker* alright Sanders, you have the phone, there's nothing more for me, think I'll go blow myself away, siiigh.
Sanders-What good will that do? You're already dead.
Tobias-Damnit Sanders! I was trying to get Rachel to feel guilty and at least get a little pity sex, well looks like I'll be 'flying solo' from now on, if you get what I mean.
Sanders-Unfortunately I do, *on the inter-plain of existence phone* Hello?
David-Sanders? Is it really you?
Sanders-In the flesh, well not so much flesh, fuck it, yeah it's me.
Aleks-Uh....Oh
David-*wipes away a tear* Kill the fattened calf, he who is lost is now found!
Ripper-...I don't see any calf, but I could kill Marco if you'd like.
David-Not necessary, Sanders my boy, how's death been treating you?
Sanders-Can't complain I suppose, but never mind that, Aleks, is he with you?
Aleks-Oy vey, it's gonna hit the fan now...*starts to sneak away*
David-He's right here, why do you ask?
Sanders-Well I've got a bit of a thing against him nowadays you see, he killed me in fact.
David-He did what? *spots Aleks* Aleks! You gots some 'splainin' to dooo!
Aleks-Well it's like this you see, I kinda, sort of, snapped his neck so I could become second-in-command.
Sanders-Bingo.
David-*chuckles* why you boys will be boys, well you two just stop the fussin' and the fightin', shake hands and Aleks can buy a round of beers for us all and we'll just forget the whole thing ever happened.
Aleks-Well I must say that's terribly sporting of you.
David-Hey, we're all mates here.
Ripper-Hang on, mates? This isn't really David, *he leaps over and pulls off David face to reveal.*
Britz-Ummm, G'day.
All-Britz!
Ripper-I should've know you'd turn up Britz! *demorphs to reveal it's really Elcolo9!*
Britz-Elcolo, mate, what are you doing here?
Elcolo9-I knew with the combination of the Antimorph's skill for confusing plots and the and the off-kilter humour of your fics, a plot would develop that nobody would understand but me!
Marco-Wait, I'm confused.
Elcolo9-See!
Marco-*Pulls off a mask to reveal he's Fred Durst* No, I still don't understand what's going on. *puts the Marco face back on*
Britz-But you were wrong Elcolo, for I'm not really Britz! *pulls off another mask.* I'm really LaRouche, and I'm here to warn you about a large gelatinous creature that could destroy the world!
Rachel-I used to be a man! And I'm pregnant with Tak Sistranous baby who is prophesied to grow up and avenge his father's death!
Elcolo9-Haha LaRouche! I already knew you weren't Britz, because..*pulls off another mask* I'm really Britz, here to catch anyway attempting to imitate me in this fic and ruin my good name!
*earthquakes begin rocking the building*
Aleks-Britz! You're writing this crap, what's going on?
Britz-The plot hole created by this melding of fics is collapsing and creating strange off shoots, something like that I suppose, I'm probably not the one to ask though, I'm not actually Britz I'm a shiftie posing as him so I could create this plot hole and kill us all!
Kil-Um241-*suddenly turns up at the door* Remember me? Planet Styx, Chapter 20, when you stick a droid with a Drac-Pike, make sure you finish the job.
Aleks-*Pulls off a mask to reveal he was in fact David all along* Lets get it on.
*The roof collapses and both Britz and Elcolo come swinging in*
Elcolo-Guys, we know how to stop this, all you have to do is...
*everything explodes*
*Much later... The radio station is rubble, bodies lie amongst it all*
Rachel-*wakes up* what the hell was that?
Ripper-*getting up, pulling off the tattered remains of his LaRouche mask* The fic plotlines collided, resulting in illogical circumstances and eventually, complete destruction of everything that made sense.
Rachel-Why's that then?
Ripper-What am I? The narrator? Hmm, looks like nobody else survived.
Kil-Um-*rises from the rubble* Actually I'm still here.
Rachel-Uh-oh, you're not still gonna kill us are you?
Kil-Um-You know, I don't think I will, I feel like maybe, this is a sign, no more killing, no I'm turning my life around, I think, I think maybe this is a chance for a new beginning.
Ripper-So what will you do then?
Kil-Um-I like animals, maybe I'll become a petting zoo attendant.
Erek-*turns up on the scene in Chee form* OhmyGod! I traced Mr Lucas's number to here, did he get out okay?!
Rachel-Umm sure, he's fine.
Erek-Well good, I just thought maybe...*sees Kil-Um, electronic eyes glaze over.*
Kil-Um-*Sees Erek, voice box drops open*
*there's electricity in the air and it's not just a leak in Kil-Um's power source, there's a fade-in fade-out shot of Erek and Kil-Um running towards each other in a field of daisies, and we're back.*
Kil-Um-Speaking of new beginnings *to Erek* Hi, I'm Kil-Um241.
Erek-Hey I'm Erek, that's some shiny heat-sensors you've got there. *In head, 'OhmiGod, I can't believe I just complimented his heat sensors!'*
Kil-Um-Thanks, listen, I don't want to be to forward, but maybe, uhh, just perhaps, y'know if you're not doing anything maybe you'd like to, y'know, catch a human projection entertainment with me?
Erek-*gushing* I'd love too! *the new couple walk away together*
Kil-Um-I hope you won't think me to corny if I tell you your camera-lense eyes are the prettiest I've ever seen..*they walk out of hearing range*
Rachel-Riiiight, well as strange as it is, I guess all's well that ends well.
Ripper-How is this well? David's dead, so is my and your creators Elcolo9 and Britz.
Rachel-Wait, those aren't really Elcolo and Britz, *she sits beside the body and pulls off the masks to reveal they're actually the dead bodies of Regis Philban and a mutant gerbil named Trevor*
Ripper-Ahh the glorious life of an Antimorph. How about Marco?
Rachel-He's over here, *rolls over Marcos body* ouch, looks like this videotape was turned into a lethal projectile by the explosion, it's imbedded inside his head.
Ripper-So video killed the radio star? How ironic.....Want to grab a coffee?
Rachel-Yeah okay. *they walk off*
Ripper-So we were lovers?
Rachel-well, not yet, heheh.
Ripper-How intriguing, you wouldn't be trying to seduce me would you Ms Berenson?
Rachel-Hey, you're cute and I'm available, what the hell.
~The Wrap Up~
Kil-Um and Erek were married, Kil-Um got the job he desired at the petting-zoo section at The Gardens but was fired after he branded all the animals there, he went through several jobs with Erek's support and finally found happiness as a florist, unfortunately several years into his marriage to Erek he came home and found Erek in bed with their neighbours garbage disposal unit, he blew both of them away before turning his guns on himself and blowing himself, the house and several neighbouring properties sky-high.
Rachel and Ripper did become lovers and discovered both shared the Angelina Joulie/Billy Bob Thorton-esque passion for weird-lovin', they married immediately, moved into a house with a white picket fence, had 2.4 children and bought a golden retriever (which Ripper unfortunately killed and ate, much to his children's dismay.) Both passed away together in their bed at the ripe old age of 80 after a snake and knife handling accident during a night of lovemaking.
On the other side Sanders and Tobias could make no sense of what had happened till Regis turned up and explained it as best he could, to end with some more couple endings, Tobias moved on and became a dead Amazon's bitch, Sanders briefly dated Marilyn Monroe but she left him for a mutant gerbil named Trevor, he spent the best part of eternity after that taking cold showers.
As for David, he died but was saved by Puck and reincarnated as the son of a goat herder on the Planet of the Apes, he still has the destiny of destroying the universe which we all wait eagerly so we might be able to make sense of this mess of a fic.
Britz gave this finished product to Elcolo for a proofread and there was much rejoicing. Elcolo read the fic and killed Britz for character assassination, and there was much rejoicing.
Britz-And I'm spent, review it already.