Chapter 3: Selfish

The words on the screen taunt her. Simple they may be, innocent in nature, yet they manage to carry a weight that sinks her heart into her stomach. When those words begin to blur, she blinks. She forgets what her original reason for getting on Facebook even was. It doesn't matter anymore. She closes the browser.

It's not fair.

They get to live their lives, going out and having fun. And her? She couldn't even go to school today. She couldn't manage to get up and ready until it was late enough that going in was pointless. She tried. She really did! Her alarm went off as usual. She turned it off, as usual. The motion of sitting up was enough to make the world tilt. The force of it made her lay back down. It was a good two hours before she woke again. She'd spent a while on the couch making fun of the lame shows her mom tried to watch. Thankfully her mom was amused rather than annoyed.

She paces her room, hands twisting her shirt. It's not their fault they're not sick. She's truly glad that none of them have to go through what she is dealing with. Really! And she knows they love her and try to spend a lot of time with her. They're there to support her or even just to hang out with her. She can't expect them to not do fun things they want to do just because she can't. She also can't expect them to invite her to every little thing they do.

She pauses her pacing and runs her fingers through her brown tresses. More than anything she wants things to go back to normal. Well, she wants to be healthy and still get to live with her mom. That normal. New normal without being sick. Normal. Healthy. She never imagined she'd be sick for this long. She rests her hand on her elliptical.

"Don't even think about it."

She turns. Her mom is leaning in the doorway, watching her with narrowed eyes. She goes back to twisting her shirt.

"I wasn't going to." Not that she could even if she wanted to. The last time she'd tried she'd only lasted 5 minutes before she had to stop. "I was just thinking."

"About?" Her mom walks into the room and sits on her bed, watching her resume her pacing.

"Before. Being healthy. Being able to do normal things."

Her mom's face shows her sympathy and understanding. "Any particular reason?"

Rachel glances at her closed laptop. "I went on Facebook and saw that all of my friends are out doing fun things. Not all of them are together; they're all in smaller groups or with other friends. But they're all out having fun. And I'm…..here." Spinning to look at her mom, she hurries on. "Not that I don't like being here with you! But….I'm only here right now because I'm not up to doing anything. And I know that's why my friends didn't invite me or even tell me about their plans. I just…I…"

Rachel sighs. Her mom's hand grasps her arm as she passes by, tugging her down onto the bed next to her. She leans against her mom, letting herself be held.

"You feel left out." She nods. "And don't worry, hun. I'm not offended that you'd rather be out with friends than here with me. I get it, kiddo. I also think you're right. Your friends know you're probably not up to going out since you weren't up to going to school. I'm guessing they didn't want to make you feel bad so they didn't say anything at all. I know it's hard, but it's also good for them to still go out together or with their other friends and do fun things."

"I know that." She didn't mean to sound so snappy. She sighs. "I know they spend a lot of time with me and that they still have their own lives outside of me. And they should. I just want to be able to do that too. I should be out with my boyfriend or friends."

Her mom kisses her head and holds her a little tighter.

"You should be, baby. I'm sorry." Rachel buries her face is her mom's shoulder. "I actually came up here to talk to you about something. Let's go downstairs."

"Is everything okay?"

Her mom smiles and tucks some hair behind her ear. "Yeah, everything's okay."

Downstairs they settle on the couch, Rachel with her legs curled under her and facing her mother.

"So what's going on?"

Despite her previous calm demeanor and insistence that everything is fine, her mom now seems a little nervous.

"We need to talk about school. About how we'll handle more days like today."

Rachel frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I already explained that I can go into work late as often as I need to. They also understand that I'll need to take more days off this year. I have plenty of sick days stored up so it's not a problem. But…..but we don't know how often you'll go in late or how often you'll need to stay home. Or come home early. Dr. Reed suggested that you begin cutting back school hours."

"He did?"

"He did. You need to be able to rest as much as your body requires. My work is letting me be flexible, but not that flexible. We need another solution."

Rachel squirms uncomfortably. She doesn't like the sound of this. "I can just go to school and—"

"No, Rachel. That is not an option. You'll go only when you feel up to it. Your health is more important."

Rachel bites her lip. "Um…maybe I could…stay with Uncle Burt more during the week? Since his job is more flexible?" She's not thrilled with the idea. She loves staying with her Hummel family, but she's gotten very comfortable staying with her mom and prefers it. Besides, it's too similar to her situation with her dad for comfort.

"No, honey. While that's an option if absolutely necessary, it's something we'd do only once in a while. Not on a regular basis."

Some of Rachel's nerves ease. "Do you already have a solution in mind?"

"I do. But I want to make sure you're comfortable with it. I need you to be honest."

Rachel nods. Honesty is very important, especially in her situation. She's learned that.

"I believe the best solution is to hire a tutor for you. Someone who is also trained in first aid who would come over in the morning before I leave for work. They'd stay here and wait until you felt up to starting the day. They'll take you to school when you feel up to it. If you don't feel up to going to school, they'll work with you here at home."

Rachel frowns. A tutor? She bites her lip again. A stranger in her home, driving her around, helping her with her work? She really doesn't like the idea. She raises hesitant eyes to her mother. She's surprised to see a small grin on her mom's face.

"I was thinking about hiring Holly Holliday."

"Ms. Holliday?!"

Her mom's grin grows. Rachel thinks about it. Ms. Holliday quickly became a favorite teacher, tying with Mr. Schue. She's kind, funny, creative, smart, and talented. More importantly, Rachel enjoyed spending time working on skits with her last year. She's comfortable with her. But would she be comfortable with her in her own home? Driving her around? Helping her through attacks?

"Have you already spoken to her?"

"I've reached out to her, yes. I explained that you're now stage 3 and need to limit your time at school. I told her that we're looking into the possibility of hiring a tutor. I asked if she'd be interested if we went that route. That leaves us open to hire her if you're comfortable with it, but also gives us a polite out if you're not. We can just tell her we decided not to hire a tutor."

"What did she say?"

"She was upset to learn that you're stage 3, but she's very excited at the prospect of working with you again."

Rachel smiles. "I think I'd like that."

"Okay. We'll work out the details."

"Was that your only plan?"

"No, but it was the best. The other plan was to have your aunts, uncles, and grandparents rotate staying here."

Rachel tilts her head. "Really?"

"Really. They're all happy to do it. But arranging it wouldn't be as simple as just hiring Holly."

"How would it work? With Ms. Holliday, I mean."

"She'd come over every morning. She'll stay here while I go to work. If you feel up to going to school, she'll take you. She'll then stay either at or near the school so she can take you home if you need to leave."

"Or to the hospital?"

Her mother tries to hide a flinch. "Or that. If you're not up to going to school, she'll stay with you here all day. Tutor you. She'll hang out with you until I get home from work."

Rachel thinks about it a little more, then smiles. "Okay."

Her mom smiles back and kisses her cheek.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holly Holliday took a deep, cleansing breath before stepping out of her car. She's truly excited to see Rachel again and to work with her. The girl is smart, hardworking, and so very talented. She's a joy to work with. But she knows the kid is now stage 3. It's not looking good. This is why she doesn't like getting attached. No serious relationships, no long term job (hence subbing - she can move around). No commitments so she can't get hurt. And if this ends poorly, it will hurt in a whole new way than she's used to. She's scared. But if she's afraid, she can't even imagine how Shelby is feeling. Or any of Rachel's friends. Or Will. Or Rachel herself. So she's forcing herself out of her comfort zone and into the possibility of being hurt to be a part of this girl's life. She just hopes she's strong enough. She rings the doorbell. Shelby Corcoran answers the door with a smile.

"Hi, Holly. Thanks again for accepting. She's really excited to see you again."

Something squirms in Holly's stomach. Joy….and nerves. "Well, the feeling is definitely mutual."

She is lead into the living room. Rachel sits on the recliner, legs curled under her, leaning on the one arm while she watches some show. She's paler than she was in June. She also looks a little thinner. She sees a few bruises on her arms and where her shirt has ridden up a little, revealing part of her torso. But when she turns her attention to Holly, her eyes and smile are still bright.

"Ms. Holliday!" The small brunette gets up. Holly is relieved that she does so with ease; she doesn't seem weak. Holly pulls her into a hug.

"Hey, Bright Stuff! I'm so glad I get to work with you instead of heading off to some other district."

The girl giggles. For a few minutes, the three sit and chat. It's an interesting mix of "getting to know you" and "catching up" and discussing how things will work so that all three are comfortable. Shelby had invited her over this Sunday for lunch, so they could have this talk before Holly starts on Monday. She's glad. It's a nice start to this….job. No, it doesn't feel like a job. Experience. Before she leaves, Shelby has her save several phone numbers into her phone: Shelby's, Rachel's, Burt Hummel's, Dr. Reed's, and Carmel High's main number.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel knows her Mom felt odd leaving the house while Rachel still home. Ms. Holliday is here and Rachel is awake, just getting ready a bit late. Her Mom kissed her cheek, double checked that she's okay with her leaving her here with Ms. Holliday, then went off to work. It was a tad awkward at first, walking downstairs to see her teacher sitting at her kitchen table drinking coffee, but she got past it pretty quickly.

"Morning, Bright Stuff. Eat up." She slides the bowl of cereal and milk over to her spot.

"Thanks, Ms. Holliday."

"Rachel, when we're here in your house, you can call me Holly." Rachel is excited but slightly uncomfortable by this prospect. Her teacher acknowledges it with a grin. "Just try?"

Rachel smiles. "Okay."

It's a little odd driving in to school with M…Holly. But she puts on a fun soundtrack and they sing together, quickly dissipating any oddity. Rachel would prefer if it was her mother, but she finds she doesn't mind this at all.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"He's got a good voice! The other guys and I listened to him sing 'Billionaire' and everything. It was cool." Finn said enthusiastically.

"That's great, Finn! We'll have 12 members again and be able to compete." She kisses his cheek and his smile widens.

"Yeah. He's a little nervous about singing in front of other people, but he's good."

Their conversation is interrupted by Mr. Schuester starting the Glee lesson. Their teacher had been against the idea of them doing a Britney Spears week, and had actually argued with Kurt about it several times. But finally, he'd agreed. So now they were working on a Britney song to sing at Homecoming. They're also allowed to do their own Britney songs. While Rachel is excited about it, she finds she can't fully focus on the assignment. She still needs to sing out her feelings about her dad. Glee ends and they head off to their next class. Or, Rachel tries to. Mr. Schue holds her back. He sends everyone else off and when it's just the two of them, he sits next to her.

"I noticed you weren't fully invested in the lesson today."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schue."

He shakes his head. "Can I help you with anything?"

"I…do want to sing a song. But it's not related to the lesson this week."

"Can I ask what it's about?"

"My Dad. And just….everything. But mostly my Dad."

"Do you want to sing it instead of a Britney song?"

"No. Actually, I'd really like to sing it alone."

He sighs and shifts in the seat, leaning on his elbows. "Rachel…"

"I know! I can't really be alone. But…just….no audience?"

"Well, I suppose you could sing in the auditorium and I could just sit in the back or off stage so you don't see me."

She smiles at him. She really appreciates how hard he's trying to accommodate her. "Thanks, Mr. Schue, but I actually have someone who can be there, but not."

"Who?"

With spectacular timing, Rachel notices Holly standing by the door. Holly had stayed at school today, checking in on her periodically. Somehow, none of her glee friends have noticed. Well, Kurt did, but he's family. And she'd already told him about it when they talked over the weekend. She points to the door.

"Her."

Her Spanish teacher turns in that direction and starts laughing. "Holly Holliday! It's good to see you again! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I've been hired for a very important and very select assignment. I get to follow this young star around."

Mr. Schue looks between them. Rachel grins. "Mom hired her to be my tutor. On days I can't get to school, she'll homeschool me. On the days I can make it to school, like today, she'll kind of be my shadow. Or guardian angel."

"That's wonderful!" Truly, he sounds relieved.

"I definitely agree." The blond teacher chimes in. "And Rachel, I can definitely follow you to the auditorium and pretend to not exist while you sing."

Rachel smiles. "Thanks. Maybe after school?"

"We can do that. Now let's head to your next class."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby slipped into the auditorium as quietly as possible, sticking to the shadows. Holly had texted her that Rachel would be singing out her feelings about her father. She knows her daughter wanted no audience and Rachel has been better about talking to her. However, she'd still like to be present when she expresses her feelings. Plus, it's always wonderful listening to Rachel sing live. She sits in the dark, still and silent. She doesn't have to wait long before Rachel and Holly walk onto the stage. They talk quietly for a moment, then Holly heads down into the audience and sits in the shadows on the opposite side from Shelby. Shelby watches her daughter sit on the stage floor. After a moment, the music begins. Shelby recognizes it instantly. She also realizes that it's probably not just a song about Leroy, but her feelings about Hiram as well.

"God - our Heavenly Father

Oh God - and my father

Who is also in heaven

May the light

Of this flickering candle

Illuminate the night the way

Your spirit illuminates my soul

Papa, can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Papa, can you find me in the night?

Papa, are you near me?

Papa, can you hear me?

Papa, can you help me not be

Frightened?

Looking at the skies

I seem to see a million eyes

Which ones are yours?

Where are you now that yesterday

Has waved goodbye

And closed its doors?

The night is so much darker.

The wind is so much colder

The world I see is so much bigger

Now that I'm alone

Papa, please forgive me

Try to understand me

Papa, don't you know I had no choice?

Can you hear me praying

Anything I'm saying

Even though the night is filled

With voices?

I remember everything you taught me

Every book I've ever read

Can all the words in all the books

Help me to face what lies ahead?

The trees are so much taller

And I feel so much smaller

The moon is twice as lonely

And the stars are half as bright

Papa, how I love you.

Papa, how I need you.

Papa, how I miss you

Kissing me goodnight"

The emotion in her daughter's voice, the depth, the sheer power, and the control are enough to give her chills. But also knowing why her daughter chose this song, knowing how the words connect to her life, brings tears to her eyes. When the song ends, she brushes her tears away. She has to force herself to not applaud. Rachel sits on the stage with tears on her face, but her expression is calm. Shelby hadn't planned on it, but she finds herself rising and walking towards the stage. Rachel looks up, eyes wide.

"Mom?"

Shelby smiles. It doesn't matter how many times she hears that word; it always brings her a special type of joy. "Hi, baby girl. That was amazing."

Rachel frowns. "I thought….I'd wanted…."

"I know. I'm sorry. A benefit of not being the coach means I don't have to be there for every rehearsal. I decided to come pick you up, so I texted Holly asking where you were." Not entirely true, but true enough that she doesn't mind fibbing.

"Oh." She doesn't seem to know how to feel about that. She's not angry, though, so Shelby takes it as a win.

"Let's go home. We'll talk."

Rachel nods. Shelby holds out her hand, helping her up. Once she's standing, the mother can't help but pull her child into a warm embrace. "I know you didn't want an audience, but I'm so glad I got to hear you sing that."

Rachel smiles.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby nearly spits out her coffee when Rachel walks into the kitchen on Friday morning. She's used to seeing Rachel in skirts, but this is a very short skirt, knee high socks, her button down shirt is tied above her belly button, and a sweater over it. Plus her hair is in braided pigtails.

"No. Absolutely not, Rachel."

Holly, sitting next to her, starts laughing.

"Mom!"

"No, Rachel. That is not appropriate for school!"

"It's for Glee! We're doing Britney Spears, remember?"

Shelby sets her coffee mug down and groans. "I do recall, yes, but I didn't think that meant you were going to dress like her for school."

Rachel comes closer to the table. "So I can't wear it?"

Shelby sighs and glances at Holly, who is now hiding her smile behind her own mug. "Just not to school. Wear it for Glee only."

"But Moom…"

"Or, you can send a picture of your current outfit to Finn, Uncle Burt, and Grandpa. If all three of them are okay with you wearing that, then I'll let you wear it all day."

Rachel sighs. "Fine. I'll change." And heads upstairs.

Shelby rubs a hand over her face, annoyed and yet amused. Holly chuckles.

"Well…..you've had your first 'not letting your teenage daughter leave the house in that outfit' moment."

Realizing she's right, Shelby joins her in laughing.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her stomach was churning, though she knew it was a reaction to her nerves. Her eyes jumped around, unable to focus on any one thing. Her jaw is tense. However, its her heart that is hurting right now. Finn's hand covers hers, drawing her eyes.

"Rach? What'd you want to talk about?"

He's frowning. She knows he's not the smartest guy, but he can read people really well. He can read her really well. Surely, he can tell that she's upset and borderline panicking.

"I…" She looks into his brown eyes, seeing only warmth and concern. Her mouth goes dry. She can't do it. Not to him; the wonderful, sweet, incredible boy who chose her. He loves her. She loves him. She can't hurt him. His thumb strokes the back of her hand. The tension in her body eases but her heart clenches. She presses her lips together. Her mind calls up an image of him supporting her weight as they walk down the hall in school. Then she imagines him walking alone in the hall, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head down, while she's home. Finally, she pictures him standing next to her grave and placing flowers on her coffin. She squeezes his hand.

"Rachel…..what's wrong?"

She forces herself to look into his eyes once more. "I'm stage 3, Finn."

He nods slowly. "I know." His voice is soft.

"I'm getting worse." He doesn't respond. She pulls her hand from his, instead placing her hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. "I love you, Finn. And I hate that this is hurting you."

"You can't help that."

Hesitantly, she shrugs. "Actually, I kind of can. In a way, at least."

Finn's brow furrows. "What do you mean?"

Her chest hurt; her heart feels like each pulse is tearing it a little. She swallows. "I….." Be strong. This is for him. "I can let you go."

He stares at her blankly. After a moment of silence, he shakes his head. "I don't get it."

"Finn, our junior year just started. You're 16! You're the quarterback of the football team, male lead of the glee club, incredibly hot, and overall just….amazing." He smiles at her, though its a slightly bewildered smile. "You should be free to date someone who will be there every day to spend time with you. Someone who can attend all of your football games to cheer you on. Someone who can go on dates or mall trips or to parties with you." His smile is gone. Rachel forces herself to keep going. Finish this. "You shouldn't be tied to someone who can't do all of those things. I'm being selfish holding on to you. I should let you go, let you be a normal teenager and live an easier life." She wishes she could be a normal teenager living an easier life. But she can't. However, she can let Finn have that life. A couple tears slip down her cheeks.

Her boyfriend's face is like stone. She bites her lip and waits for him to speak. She watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows repeatedly. He doesn't look upset, exactly. He looks angry. "You want to break up with me?"

"No! But yes. I mean…no, Finn. I don't want to break up with you. But I do want to let you have the option of a girlfriend who is easier to deal with. A girlfriend who is healthy."

He glares at her. "You are my girlfriend. And you're not healthy right now, but you will be again one day."

"We don't know—"

"I do. I know you will." He shakes his head. "Rachel, I can't believe…." He stands and paces with jerky steps. "I don't want someone else. I want you. I love you! If I didn't, I'd have broken up with you. I'm not tied down, I have a choice. My choice is you. My choice is always you! The only reason I care that you're not here every day and not at every football game is because you're sick. Even if you were healthy, if you didn't come to every game I wouldn't be mad. I mean, I'd want you to come to some games, but I wouldn't be mad if you didn't come to all of them. You want me to be able to be a normal teenager and yet you called me amazing and pointed out all the ways I'm better than a normal teenager. Well, this amazing teenager is in love with another amazing teenager. She happens to be sick right now, but it won't last forever. She'll get better." He sits back down next to her and wipes away her tears. "She's trying not to be selfish right now, but I don't mind her selfishness. Especially when it makes her hold on to me really tight."

She laughs a little. "Are you sure, Finn? You could have it so much easier if—"

"Easier?" He shakes his head, an amused smile playing on his lips. "Rach, you have never been and probably never will be 'easy' to date. You're high maintenance." She opens her mouth to argue, but he cuts her off with a kiss. "I love you and your high maintenance. In the past your high maintenance was about attention and solos. Now your high maintenance is surrounding your health. I'm a strong and pretty calm guy. I can handle it." He kisses her again. "I'm not breaking up with you."

"Okay." She gives in easily. It's what she wanted, after all.

"Rach, please don't ever try to break up with me like this again. If you decide you don't love me or something, we'll talk about it and if you want to break up with me because we just don't work well together or aren't happy together, then we'll deal. I mean, I'll fight to get you back, but I won't like, try to stop you. But….don't try to break up with me because you think it's what's best for me. You are best for me."

This time, she kisses him. "I'm sorry, Finn. I just wanted to give you the opportunity, if you wanted it."

"I don't. So don't do that again. It really hurt that you were willing to toss us aside like that."

Tears of guilt fill her eyes once more. "I'm so sorry, Finn!" She chokes out.

"I forgive you." He grins a little. "Please go back to being selfish and clinging to me. Don't let me go."

She shakes her head resolutely. "I won't. Not again. I promise."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She sits in Glee and listens to her friends talk about mall trips, parties, and fun things they did over the weekend. It was hard enough to read these things on Facebook the previous week, but to sit and hear it in person….She clasps her hands and keeps a smile on her face. She's happy for them. But its killing her inside. It's not fair. It's also not their fault. She wonders if it'd be selfish of her to ask them to not talk about their fun activities around her. Probably. She should be a good friend and listen to them happily. It's just so hard. On Saturday Quinn, Santana, and Brittany got mani-pedis, then went to the movies and dinner. What did Rachel do? She slept. When she woke up, she was bored but too tired to actually do anything. Nana came over and taught her some origami. Was it fun? Sort of. Is it something she'd choose to do? No. Was it better than watching the same stupid shows over and over? Yes. But she'd still rather be out with her friends and actually doing things. Even still, she'd managed to bleed all over her first successfully folded origami swan. All from a stupid paper cut.

She forcefully brushes those thoughts away and focuses on the lesson Mr. Schue is starting. When he gets around to assigning solos for this week's number, she holds her breath. She really shouldn't have. She watches the pride spread on Tina's face as she's given the main female solo. Rachel is happy for her. The rest of the solos are handed out. She doesn't get a single one. Her smile turns brittle. She hopes no one notices.

It's not that she doesn't want her friends to get solos. It's that…she still thinks she's better. And they have many years ahead of them to sing solos. Does she? A hand slips into hers. Kurt. She should have known he of all people would know how she's feeling right now. She squeezes his hand.