Chapter 9: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The first night home is rough. Normally, its a relief. Shelby always has Rachel sleep in her bed and falls asleep holding her. After getting home from the hospital, she always feels better knowing her little girl is home and in her arms. But this time is different. This time, her baby's heart had stopped. She was in pain for a long time. She's still in pain. She's more weak than Shelby has ever seen her.

Rachel sits on the edge of Shelby's bed, watching as she gathered her toiletries. She set everything on the bathroom counter and walked back out.

"Alright, Rach. Shower or bath?"

Rachel frowns. "Um…I guess a bath? So I don't have to stand? But getting out may be hard. I suppose I could stay in the tub until the water drains and wrap in a towel, then call you in?"

"Honey," Shelby sighs "you're not bathing alone. I'll be in there with you. If you'd like to take a bath, I'll be sitting next to the tub. If you want to take a shower, we'll put a chair in there that you can sit on. And I'll be right there with you."

She watches her daughter's face flush. "But…." She doesn't finish her sentence, but tears fill her eyes. Shelby's heart goes out to her daughter, it really does. However, that doesn't mean she will be backing down.

"You're not going to bathe alone. So which would you like? Shower or bath?"

The tears spill over. "I can sit in the tub alone, I don't need someone with me like a toddler."

"And if you get an attack? Or get too tired or dizzy and slip under the water? You'd drown."

"If I shower—"

"You could fall off the chair. Even if you sat in the tub with the shower running, you could still get an attack or dizzy or something and fall over. The water could still drown you or choke you. I understand that you're embarrassed, Rachel. But I can't leave you alone. I can't."

Rachel cries and twists the hem of her shirt. "I can—"

"No."

"I….I just…"

Shelby sits beside her, arm around her shoulders. "Honey, I'm sorry. I'll do what I can to make you more comfortable with this, but you're not going to be left alone."

When Rachel doesn't respond, just keeps crying, Shelby tries desperately to think of anything she can do to help that doesn't involve leaving her alone. She really doesn't want to see Rachel upset. Not after everything she has been through. But she absolutely cannot leave her alone to bathe. It's just not happening.

"Okay. I have a few thoughts. First, you can give yourself a sponge bath. I'll sit out here, but the door stays open and we talk the whole time so I know you're okay. Second option is you can wear a bathing suit and I'll turn around when you're ready to wash those parts. Either way I can wash your hair in the sink."

Rachel mulls it over, her tears slowing. "I'm really tired." She mumbles. Shelby sighs. She knows she's tired. They all are.

"We can skip the bath today. Bathe tomorrow instead?"

Rachel shakes her head slowly. "I feel gross."

"Okay," Shelby struggles to keep her frustration in check. It's not Rachel's fault. "Why don't we do the sponge bath. I'll do most of it so you'll be done faster and get to bed quicker. You can just do the parts you're more comfortable doing yourself."

"Okay."

And that's what they did. Shelby gently, but quickly, washed her daughter's arms, legs, face, and back. She turned around to give Rachel some privacy while she washed the rest. Her mother brought in a chair to make it easier for Shelby to wash Rachel's hair in the sink. She still went quickly, but made sure to take time to do a nice scalp massage. Rachel fell asleep during it. When she finished, she gently towel dried her hair, but Rachel woke anyway. She helped Rachel stand and half carried her to the bed. She notes that it's much easier now, after months of strength training. When they were curled up, Rachel quietly thanked her.

"Thanks, Mom."

Shelby smiles and kisses her head. "You're welcome, baby girl."

Rachel falls asleep quickly. Shelby's not surprised. She herself is drifting off, but not sure if she should let herself fall asleep just yet. She realizes she's just too tired and too comfortable to get up, so she stays where she is and follows her daughter into dreamland.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heart hammering, Shelby jerks awake. Wild eyes rake over the bed in the dim light until they land on Rachel. She's sleeping, curled on her side. Taking a deep breath, Shelby tries to get her heart to calm down. A glance at the clock tells her she got four hours before the nightmare hit. She wraps her arms around her daughter, feeling the girl breathe deeply in her sleep.

Dead.

Rachel was dead.

It was only for a few minutes. But it doesn't change the fact that her daughter's heart had stopped. Despite her attempts to brush the thoughts away, memories of sitting by Rachel's bedside flash before her mind. Her ashen face. The whoosh of the ventilator. Her cold hands. The unnatural stillness that lasted for hours. Shelby didn't realize she was crying until her cries become sobs. She knows she should let go of Rachel so that she doesn't risk waking and upsetting her, but she can't bring herself to release her. She needs to hold her. To reassure herself that her daughter is alive and with her. Hurried footsteps approach. It only takes moments for her to feel her own mother climb onto the bed with them, wrapping her arms around her.

"It's alright, Shelly," her mother whispers, "Rachel is okay. She's alright. You're alright."

A mother holding her daughter, who is a mother, holding her daughter. Three generations of Corcoran's. All three exhausted and hurting.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Christopher Corcoran sits in the arm chair in the corner of his daughter's room, watching his wife, daughter, and granddaughter sleep. It's been a rough couple days. Almost a week. He may not have known his granddaughter for long, but damned if he doesn't love her the same as he does the rest of his grandkids. A shifting on the bed pulls him from his musings. Shelby jumps slightly, lifting her head and immediately looking down at Rachel. Christopher watches as she places a hand on her daughter's chest, feeling her breathe. The longer she leaves the hand there, the more her shoulders relax. He can't imagine the terror she has been going through as a parent. He's never had a child die or come close to dying. He realizes now how lucky he has been. He wonders how long it'll take for her to be able to wake up and not instantly need to check if her daughter is still breathing. He steps quietly over to the bed and sits on the edge. Shelby has switched to running her fingers through Rachel's hair. He smiles softly, remembering how much that used to soothe her as a child. He reaches out and runs his fingers through his daughter's hair, hoping she finds it as calming now as she did as a child. She smiles at him, but quickly refocuses her attention on her daughter. He kisses all three women on the cheek and heads downstairs. It may be early, but he can begin gathering ingredients for a breakfast that can sit for a while and easily be reheated. Maybe French toast?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Click.

Click.

She sighs, bored. There's nothing of interest on tv. She doesn't feel like watching one of her movies. She's tired of origami, coloring, and puzzles. She runs a hand over her face, trying to shake off the odd feeling of being antsy and yet too tired to do anything. Her mom, Mrs. Hudson, and Mrs. Pierce are chatting in the kitchen. This is actually the longest she's been left "alone" since she woke up in the hospital last week. Her grandparents left yesterday. She'll see them soon, though. Thanksgiving is next week, after all. She was talking to Abby on Facebook and knows that Aunt Kelly and Uncle Andy will probably be coming to visit in the next day or two.

They've had a lot of visitors. Some, like her friends, seem to come just to see her. Some, like the women visiting now, seem to come just to see her mom. The rest come for both of them. That's mostly family. She understands. She died, brief though it may have been. Everyone freaked out. Which is why she has not been left alone until now. Not to sleep, not to go to the bathroom, no time alone. This is the first time her mom hasn't checked on her in over 10 minutes. She's relieved to have a bit more time to herself, but so very bored that she almost wouldn't mind being "checked on" at the moment.

Rachel grabs her phone and curls up against the arm of the couch, wincing when she jostles her ribs, and pulling the blanket up a bit higher. She scrolls through messages from her friends and smiles a little. It's sweet that they all think of her when she's not there. Blaine sent a video. She plugs in her headphones and listens, enjoying the music. She sends him her feedback on his mashup. Overall, she liked it. She did point out two ideas for improvement, however. He happily agrees with her and sends his thanks. She wonders what class he's texting during and hopes he doesn't get in trouble. Dalton is more strict than McKinley. She wonders if her mom will let her return to school at all before Thanksgiving. Even just for short days. Her eyelids begin feeling heavy and she doesn't fight it. They slip closed and she falls into the thrall of sleep.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's nice to have friends come visit. It really is. And she knows Rachel is probably grateful for the distraction that prevents her from constantly checking on her. Carole and Diane are wonderful friends, but she can't help but be nervous that she's not checking on Rachel as often. Her eyes keep drifting to the kitchen doorway, which leads to the living room. When she can't take it any longer, she excuses herself. Her heart jumps when she sees Rachel slumped against the arm of the couch. She knows she's just asleep, but it still causes a momentary panic.

She's okay.

The mother gently tugs the headphones from Rachel's ears and places them, and her phone, on the coffee table. She lets herself take a moment to check Rachel's breathing and pulse, just to reassure herself. Then she frowns, watching her daughter sleep.

"What are you debating?" Carole asks her quietly.

Glancing over her shoulder, she sees her two friends have joined her. "Whether to leave her like this or help her lay down. I don't want to wake her, but I also don't want her to be putting pressure on her ribs."

The way Rachel is curled up, she's leaning her injured side against the arm of the couch. The other women come closer.

"Maybe we should help her lay down, so she's stretched out." Diane suggests.

Shelby nods. She pulls back the blanket and hands it to Diane. Then she slowly eases Rachel down until she's laying. From there, she pulls Rachel along the couch until she's stretched out. Carole rearranges Rachel's feet so she's more comfortable. Diane steps up with the blanket and tucks it around Rachel. Rachel never woke. Shelby sighs and sits on the edge of the couch, letting her knuckles stroke her daughter's cheek. No reaction.

"Shelby." She looks up at Diane. "How are you?"

Despite thinking she had no tears left, she feels her eyes water. "Not good. I'll be better when she is."

"Is there anything we can do for you? Or for her?" Carole asks softly.

Shelby looks back down at Rachel and shakes her head. Unless they have a cure, there's nothing anyone can do for them. She appreciates the offer nonetheless.

"My parents stayed until Rachel and I both got two solid nights of sleep in, with the help of the sedative the doctor prescribed us. Kelly and Andy are coming tomorrow to do grocery shopping. Holly has reached out, letting me know she can come over any time to stay with Rachel."

"Do you think Rachel will ask to go to school, soon?"

Shelby laughs slightly. "I'm surprised she hasn't asked me yet. I'm curious if she hasn't asked because she knows I'd have said no, or because she's too tired to go."

"Maybe a combination of the two."

"Will you be returning to work soon?"

She sighs. "I'm honestly not sure. I know there are plenty of people who would stay with Rachel while I go, not just Holly. But the thought of going to work, after everything…..and while she's still so sick and weak….I don't think I can. I know I should, I just don't know if I can."

"There's no 'should', Shelby. It's just about what you and Rachel need." Carole reminds her.

Shelby nods. She's right, it's just hard.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The little plastic piece hit him on the chest and fell onto his leg. He laughed and picked it up. Rachel grinned at him impishly, clearly aware that her juvenile act would be cause for retaliation. He holds it towards her, but refuses to hand it over.

"If you want it back, you'll have to give me something for it." He taunts her, smirking.

He ignores Blaine and Kurt giggling.

"Oh? And what, pray tell, would you expect in exchange?" Rachel asks.

Finn shrugs lightly. "A kiss."

"Hmm…" Her eyes narrow playfully. "I'm not sure its worth it. Maybe I don't even want it back."

"Then you can't play the game. Or you can, but you have zero chance of winning. And I know what a sore loser you can be."

Kurt chortles and Rachel's lips twist, though whether its in amusement or annoyance is unclear. Either way, she leans over and kisses him lightly on the lips. He kisses her again before handing it over.

"Uh, that was two kisses."

"Interest."

"Are you two going to flirt the whole time? Or are we going to keep playing?" Blaine asks, grinning.

"We can do both." Finn states.

Kurt groans. "I give up. Let's just stop playing and give you two a few minutes to make out. Get it out of your systems."

Finn and Rachel smile happily.

"Feel free to do the same." Rachel cackles at how red the two retreating boys turn.

The four had been sitting in Finn's room. Or, what will be Finn's room once they officially moved in. Which should be soon, he thinks. He mostly wants to move in quickly because it means his odds of seeing Rachel increase. His girlfriend having a room in the same house as him is awesome…and a tad weird if you don't understand why. Kurt and Blaine slip out to Kurt's room, leaving Finn and Rachel alone in his. She grins at him slightly.

"It's a little odd." She says quietly.

"What is?"

"I'm sitting in my boyfriend's room and my room is across the hall."

He laughs. "Yeah, I was just thinking about that. But I've decided that it's only weird to people who don't know the whole story. So….it's not weird."

"Okay."

He's surprised how easily she agrees. He watches as she slides closer to him, his heart rate increasing incrementally. The slow grin she gives him now is one he cherishes. He only ever sees it aimed at him, and only when they're alone. He has named it her "I'm about to kiss my boyfriend" grin. The only problem is it almost immediately makes him react. He shifts a little, trying to ignore his….growing problem. He knows he can kill the buzz quickly, but doesn't want to. They haven't had much time together, alone, romantically, in a while. When she slides onto his lap and straddles him, her cheeks take on a rosy hue. His Adam's apple bobs in anticipation. He feels her fingers slide around behind his neck and play with the short hairs there, further igniting him. That action alone isn't enough to…..do anything…..for him. But combined with that smile and that look in her eye as she straddles him….yeah, it's working just fine.

His lips part eagerly, his eyes drawn to her lips. But he waits, letting her set the pace. He knows she's feeling better, but the last thing he wants to do is overtax her or start a make out session that she's not actually in the mood for. He'd understand. He'd be disappointed, but he'd understand. She leans forward, closing the gap between them and brushing her lips against his softly. It's like a match being drawn against a striker. From there, light and soft go out the window. When they finally pull away, both of them are breathless. Finn catches his breath quickly and tries to ignore the fact that she's still trying to catch hers. He slows them down with softer, more languid kisses with pauses in between for her to catch her breath. He slides his hands along her back, firm enough to be felt but gentle enough to not hurt her ever present bruises. He'd love to slide them along the front, but doesn't think she's ready for that.

"What do you two think you're doing?"

The two teens jump. Finn instinctively grabs Rachel so she doesn't fall when she quickly turns to look at the door. Burt stands there with an irritated look on his face. Finn freezes, his throat suddenly dry. Rachel merely smiles and raises an eyebrow.

"I'd think that part is rather obvious."

Finn's eyes widen, not certain if Burt is about to kick his ass (since he obviously wouldn't do anything to Rachel). The only thing preventing him from completely panicking is Rachel's hands still gently grasping his shoulders. She's relaxed. Amused, even. Burt sighs and runs a hand over his face. The man looks torn. Finally he shoves his hands in his pockets and leans against the door jam.

"Just…keep it PG. And leave the door open." He turns to leave, hesitates, then enters the room fully. Burt sits on the bed and looks down at them. "Look, I'm going to be honest with you. We're being more lenient right now." He points at Rachel. "Once you're better, the rules will change. I don't know how, but they will. When we're at the point where that's necessary, I'll sit down with both of your mothers to discuss the rules regarding you two being here."

Finn nods. He figures that's fair. He just prays that they get to that point quickly. He looks at the girl still sitting on his lap. She's rolling her lips between her teeth. She doesn't look surprised, but she also doesn't look too happy. After a moment, she seems to come to some internal decision or acceptance, because she releases her lips and nods.

"Okay. That makes sense."

Burt looks a little relieved. Before he can stand Rachel grasps his hand, tugging him closer to her. He kneels next to her and she kisses his cheek. His eyes brighten and he smiles at them. He pointedly pushes the door further open before exiting. Finn releases a breath.

Rachel looks amused. "Were you really worried?"

"Well…..yeah. I mean, you're basically his daughter and this is the first time he's caught us making out. In his home."

"Our home." She says, then her face scrunches up. "No, I'm back to the whole thing being weird."

"Too weird for you to handle?" He asks, 99% certain she wasn't about to break things off with him over this.

She kisses him firmly. "No. Just too weird for me to want to discuss in detail. I'd rather just kiss you some more."

"I'm good with that." And pulls her closer.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She dices the chicken on her plate and mixes it further into the potatoes. It's a shame. The meal really is delicious, but she can't eat much more. She figures if she can hide more of her chicken in the mashed potatoes, they won't realize how little she actually ate. They know her appetite has been shrinking lately, so she's not hiding that, she's just trying to not worry them quite as much. Everyone's worry has been heightened since her near-death experience, making her feel like she needs to go back to downplaying her symptoms. They don't need more stress. She's pushing another batch of chicken into the potatoes when she hears a deep sigh. Finn reaches over and scoops up a large helping of her potatoes-with-chicken-hidden-within. Her shoulders slump, realizing she wasn't successful at hiding her actions.

"Finn!" Mrs. Hudson berates.

Finn shrugs. "She's not gonna eat it all and there's none left in the bowl."

Well, damn. Why hadn't she considered using her boyfriend's endless pit of a stomach instead of hiding her food? She grins at him, then at the table in general. "He's right."

She's having dinner with the Hummel's, Hudson's, and Blaine. Her mother is on an "it's not a date" with Scott. She was hesitant. Very, very hesitant. It took a lot of convincing, and in the end it was Rachel's encouragement that caused her to give in. Rachel likes Scott. They've only spoken a couple times, but he's nice and funny. She doesn't think her mom even realizes that she smiles when talking about him. Or to him. It's cute. So she likes him just because he makes her mom happy. Even if her mom isn't letting herself even consider being in a relationship right now.

From the corner of her eye she watches Finn eat from her pile of potatoes. His chewing slows, a peculiar looks spreading across his face. He stops chewing as he tries to determine what's in his mouth. Rachel does her best to keep a straight face, not wanting to draw attention to them. Finn resumes chewing and swallows, eyes still narrowed in contemplation. When he turns his head slowly towards her, she's biting her lip to keep from smiling. He leans closer and whispers in her ear.

"Was that…..chicken? In the mashed potatoes?"

She bites back a giggle as she nods.

Finn smirks and whispers his next question. "How much?"

Rachel looks down at her plate and realizes all of the chicken is gone. Finn follows her gaze and chuckles. She glances around the table and realizes everyone else is looking at them in amused bewilderment.

"All of it." She can barely speak from trying to keep back her laughter.

Finn is struggling to keep his own laughter contained. Everyone else at the table is smiling as well, waiting to be let in on the joke. Finn clears his throat and swallows down his amusement.

"Uh….care to share with the rest of the class?" Kurt questions, eyes sparkling and mouth quirked up.

Rachel grins, taking a sip of her water. "Nothing."

"That didn't seem like nothing." Blaine argues, grinning.

Finn raises his head. "I just wasn't exp—"

Rachel slaps a hand over his mouth, silencing him. "Nothing!"

Finn snorts, then starts laughing and pushes her hand aside. "What, you don't want me to say it?"

"No!" She laughs "Please!"

He grins at her mischievously and opens his mouth like he's going to make a big proclamation. Instead, he whispers in her ear again. "I just didn't realize I was dating a four year old."

She tries to glare at him, but her smile is still wide. She hasn't truly laughed in a while. It doesn't matter that it's not actually that funny. Hell, it's barely funny at all. She knows this and she's sure Finn does, too. It's just that it's been a while since anything funny has happened, so this minor humor seems hysterical to them. He kisses her, then returns his attention to his plate.

"Man these are good potatoes. Did you put something different in them, Mom?" Finn questions innocently, purposely not looking at Rachel.

She presses her lips together in an attempt to scowl, but since she's still amused and still trying not to smile, she doesn't quite succeed. She laughs lightly instead, shaking her head. During a lull in the conversation she voices a question that's been eating at her all day.

"Do you…." She begins, but pauses, uncertain if she should ask them. Everyone waits patiently. On the one hand, it's great to have their undivided attention. She's kind of gotten used to it in the past few months. On the other hand, it's occasionally awkward to realize that Sam was right; everyone hangs on her every word. "….um…do you think I'll be able to convince my mom to let me go to school this week? Or at least next week?"

She watches their expressions, which vary from person to person. Uncle Burt puts his fork down and lets out a heavy breath. "I don't know, Rachel. She was hesitant to even let you stay over here while she went out with Scott."

"I know," she wrings her hands in her lap "but I've been out of school for over a week now."

"For good reason." Kurt insists. Blaine nods his agreement.

"I'm better now, though. Stronger. I'm not as….weak." God she hates that word.

"But you still tire quickly." Finn says quietly.

She looks away. She knows he's right, but she's trying to focus on what's better, not on what's not. "Yes, but….I don't have to go for a whole day. I don't even think I could. Maybe just half a day?"

"Are you trying to convince us so we can help you convince your Mom?" Carole asks.

Drat. "Maybe." She mumbles. That seems to amuse everyone.

"And by 'half a day' do you mean just the half that includes Glee?" Kurt questions, smirking.

Double drat. Foiled again. She huffs and folds her arms, feeling both irritated and embarrassed. "Maybe."

This time when everyone chuckles, she can tell they're getting uncomfortable. They don't want to be the ones to tell her she can't do what she loves. She decides to drop it. For now. When her nose starts bleeding, she's almost relieved. She doesn't have to find an eloquent way to end the conversation. Her bloody nose ends it for her. Finn hands her his napkin to use. It's not enough, though, so Carole hands her a dish rag. Later, she's curled on the couch between Kurt and Blaine. Finn is playing video games upstairs. He'd made sure she was okay with him not paying attention to her while she's there. She'd kissed him, spun him around, and shoved him towards the stairs.

"Just don't make a habit of it." She'd teasingly warned.

Kurt and Blaine had immediately swooped in and pulled her to the couch to watch a movie. She'd agreed easily, knowing she'd probably be asleep soon. Twenty minutes into the movie she rests her head on Blaine's shoulder and her feet in Kurt's lap. Blaine tilts his head so it's resting against hers. Kurt begins lightly massaging her feet. She's very comfortable. Before she slips off to sleep, she does her best to carve this moment into her memories. She's hoping that when she's in pain or upset or scared she can pull up happy memories and use them like a shield. She's not sure how long she's been asleep when she's pulled back to consciousness. She becomes aware of whispers.

"…have to leave soon?" Kurt is whispering.

"Yeah, but I don't want to wake her."

"I doubt she'll wake. She used to be a light sleeper, but now I'm pretty sure she could sleep through a tornado."

If her body didn't feel like lead, she'd smirk at the irony of the situation.

"Yeah." Blaine's soft voice now sounds tentative.

"What is it?"

"I just…..I don't get to see her much. I saw her a lot over the summer, but since the school year started…."

"Are you still considering transferring to McKinley?"

This is a surprise to Rachel. She hadn't even suspected he was thinking of that. She wishes she had the energy to join this conversation. Then again, how often do you get to eavesdrop this closely and easily? They're literally gossiping right over her head.

"Considering, yeah. I want to, but I'm not sure."

"Well, you have my support either way. I'd love to see more of you and I know everyone else would too. But I understand it's a big change to make."

True words, all. She feels lips press against her head and realizes it could only be Blaine. She's very tactile with her friends. Hugging, hand holding, cuddling, and cheek kissing are common for her. She figured out early on that Blaine is very similar. However, this feels more…..tender….than usual. She sighs.

"Rach?" Kurt whispers.

She tries to respond, but only manages a soft "hmm". Blaine chuckles quietly into her hair.

"I guess she's still out cold."

Close enough.

"I've got her." Uncle Burt's low voice comes closer. She feels herself being lifted. Rachel instantly shivers and tries to curl into Uncle Burt as much as possible to regain the warmth she just lost. "Shit."

"Here." She hears Carole. A little jostling later and she realizes she's cuddled with her uncle in his recliner. Carole, she's guessing, lays a blanket over them then gently brushes Rachel's hair off her face.

All of this affection is starting to make her feel a little spoiled.

She drifts.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Can I go to school tomorrow?"

Shelby looks at her daughter. She'd been expecting it. She also knows she should be returning to work. It's just so hard. Rachel looks hopeful, yet hesitant. "I'm surprised you didn't ask sooner."

Rachel squirms, looking down. "I wanted to. But….I didn't actually feel up to it yet."

Shelby tilts her head. "And you do now?"

She can't read the look on Rachel's face. "Yes. It took longer to recover this time. So I was fine with staying home every day. But…..now I feel like I'm….back to how I felt before the double attack."

The mother instantly picks up on the fact that Rachel doesn't actually say she feels "good" or "better" or even "okay". Just "back to" how she was "before". Her heart aches.

"Okay. But only for a little while."

Rachel perks up, smiling happily at her. So why is her stomach twisting uncomfortably?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Holly keeps her hand on Rachel's back as they walk down the hall. Rachel doesn't mind. She doesn't need it, but again, she understands it. Holly was there when she died just over a week ago. A couple kids run around the corner they were about to turn, nearly colliding with them. Everyone involved stumbles to a halt. One kid trips over his own feet and falls and his friends laugh at him. Holly's hand against Rachel's back helped, but it was the hands grabbing her arms that ultimately kept her from falling over as well. Wide-eyed, she looks up into David Karofsky's startled face. She and Kurt have noticed a change in Karofsky this year. He doesn't bully anymore. He still makes jokes and some are mean, but he doesn't attack and he's not cruel. Progress.

"'Sup, Berry? You good?"

Once she's sure she's steady, she grins at him. "I'm on my feet. You?"

The large boy opens his mouth to respond, but stops and just smirks at her. Whatever he was originally going to say is swallowed down and instead he goes with "Same. Glad you're still standing."

Not sure if he meant because of the near collision or something deeper, she simply smiles back. Holly reprimands the boys for not being more careful, then they turn to continue on their way. Thinking quickly and hoping she's making the right choice, Rachel calls over her shoulder.

"David!" The burly boy turns back with a questioning look. She grins at him. "You're pretty awesome this year." His expression briefly turns soft before he catches himself. "Just wanted to let you in case no one else has said it."

His returning grin is a mix of embarrassment and pride. He nods and they part ways.

Xxxxx

Rachel stands at the door to the choir room, leaning against the door jam, a smile on her face. "Sorry I'm late, Mr. Schuester."

Her teacher spins around, mouth agape. The rest of the kids look just as surprised, but happy. Mr. Schuester smiles widely as he recovers and pulls her into a hug with a laugh. "I'm so glad you're here, Rachel."

The others who haven't seen her since she left the hospital come up to hug her as well. She ends up sitting between Quinn and Mercedes. Mr. Schuester is all smiles and lighthearted as he resumes the lesson she had interrupted with her arrival. When they move to run through the songs, they all turn to her warily. She holds in her irritation and just waves, staying seated. Finn kisses her as he passes by. Holly sits next to her. Sue, who entered moments ago, sits on her other side. The three watch the rehearsal and share their thoughts. Rachel is a little frustrated at not getting to participate, but knows she can't. It wouldn't be wise and it would just worry everyone. After the third run through, she can't sit idly by anymore. Holly grabs her arm when she stands, but Rachel shakes her off with an "it's alright" and a grin.

"Rachel…"

Rachel shakes her head at Mr. Schue and grabs Finn's arm, pulling him away. "Can I work with Finn on the dance sequence in that last part? He's still not getting it."

Shoulders easing, her teacher smiles. "Of course."

She and Finn move to the empty classroom across the hall with Holly and Sue following. She guides him step by step, patiently helping him get the steps. Once he masters those, she gets him doing it at the correct tempo. Only then does she add in the music. She sings while he dances. Finn stumbles into a table and huffs in frustration.

"I just can't dance!"

"You can, Finn. It's just not easy for you. You're making your body move in a way that doesn't feel natural to you. Fumbling is inevitable at first."

"And you're getting better." Holly encourages. They ignore Sue's snort.

He runs a hand through his hair. "Okay. Let's try again." The bell rings and he rolls his eyes. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is Saturday."

"So? You can come over. Or I can go to your place. We can work on this some more."

Rachel smiles, glad to be helpful. "Alright."

They head back to the choir room. Finn kisses her and takes off. The rest say their goodbyes as well. It occurs to Rachel that no one has stopped to ask if she's going to her next class. She's not even sure if she's going to. The plan was just to be here for Glee. She feels up to another class, so she grabs her bag intending to head there.

"Hold on a sec, Rachel." Mr. Schuester sits and gestures for her to do the same. "I wanted to talk to you."

Holly and Sue remain, but sit further back. From the looks on their faces, they seem to know what this discussion will entail. Rachel returns her attention to Mr. Schuester. He is pressing his lips together and his hands are clasped. Her stomach sinks.

"I know you weren't happy about not having a solo in either of the two songs." He begins.

"But I understand why." She assures him. "And I'm singing the surprise song, so I'm happy with that."

He nods slowly. "That's….what I want to talk to you about."

Uncomfortable warmth spreads through her. She doesn't like how this is sounding. "What about it?"

"I want you to sing that third song, Rachel. You're our star. You are our best chance of nailing a last minute song tossed at us."

"But?"

"But I'm worried."

She shakes her head. "I'm fine. I mean….I get it, my heart stopped. But only for a few minutes!" He looks down. "And I know it took longer to recover from this last attack…..double attack…..but I have recovered."

"I know you have, Rach. I just…" He looks at her, his eyes sad. "I know you're well aware that you could still get an attack on the day of the performance. During, even. The performance is weeks away. Anything can happen between now and then."

"So….what are you saying?" Despite her efforts to keep her voice even, it still shakes a little. Her hands clench. Mr. Schuester reaches for one of her hands.

"I'm saying, that while we will still plan for you to sing the third song, we may end up….having someone else sing it. I want you to understand that it's a possibility and be prepared." Her eyes burn and her throat tightens. All she wants is to be able to sing and perform. He squeezes her hand. "And…..I'm sorry, but…..I think it'd be best if you didn't participate in the other two songs."

The tears spill over. "At all?" She hates how small her voice sounds.

Her teacher's eyes water. "You're sick, Rachel."

She yanks her hand away. "I know I'm sick! I'm the one who's been feeling awful for the past year!"

Mr. Schue briefly presses his fist to his mouth to compose himself. "I'm sorry. But your health—"

Rachel huffs and stands, stepping away from him, her back to all three adults. "Is more important." She finishes bitterly. "I know. But has anyone considered that staying alive doesn't matter if you don't get to actually live?" Mr. Schuester freezes. "Singing is what I've always loved to do more than anything else. Whenever things were hard, I dealt with them by singing." Warm tears flow down her face. "There were times when singing was the only time I felt safe."

"Your health is the most important aspect to this. You love singing, so if you want to be able to keep singing in the future, you need to focus on your health right now."

She faces him. "But if I don't have a future, then I'm missing out on my last chance to perform!"

His face drops. He suddenly appears older than she's ever seen him. He speaks quietly. "We don't know what will happen, Rachel. You could live." He swallows hard again. "You may not. But I'd rather act like you're going to survive and focus on your health."

She clenches her hands at her sides. "That's the problem. Everyone wants that. But I'd rather enjoy what life I have now." When he runs his hand over his face, she knows he's getting agitated. "Of course I want to live, Mr. Schue. But what everyone else is asking of me is risking what I see as the worst case scenario."

"What do you mean?" His voice is rough.

Rachel sits with a sigh. "If I do what everyone wants, I'd focus on putting my health first and spend 98% of my time resting or at least taking it easy. I'd be bored out of my mind and miserable and just watching everyone else live their lives. If I do that and end up dying anyway, then I missed out for nothing. To me, that's the worst case scenario."

Mr. Schuester sits next to her. He leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. "It sounds like what you want is to still do everything you used to do and then get better."

"Yes!"

"But you can't. It's not an option and I know you know that, Rachel. You're just not able to do the things you used to. You need to be resting more."

She slumps, hiding her face in her hands. "I know." She mumbles. "I just don't want to stop living before I even die."

His arm wraps around her and pulls her against his side. "What if you don't die? Then you'll have a really shitty couple months" she snorts at his cussing "but then get to live your life the way you want. The way you deserve."

Rachel lets her head rest against his shoulder. "I could live with that."

He guffaws and she joins him. He sits her up and looks at her kindly. Almost fatherly. "You're strong, Rachel. You can live with anything."

But I don't want to anymore.

She keeps those words under lock and key. No one is to know that particular sentiment. Instead, she nods.

"There's another way I need you to look at Sectionals." She frowns. He gives her a sympathetic look. "You want us to win." She nods. Of course she does. "What would happen if you had an attack, or got dizzy, in the middle of our performance?"

She envisions it. Her stomach plummets. "We'd lose."

He nods. "We'd lose. Or possibly be disqualified. Staying out of the competition prevents that from happening. Just trust your team to do well enough to pull off a win without you."

Her lips twitch. "I trust them to win. They're all very talented." She moves her head in a way meant to imply she knows what she's about to say isn't going to be well received. "I just know I'm more talented than them and so me performing is our best chance to secure us a win."

Instead of the glare or irritated look she expected, her teacher laughs. "Yes, you're the most talented member. That's why you're our star." He shakes his head fondly. "I'm glad your confidence hasn't wavered at all. But I'm also glad you've learned to be less vocal about it and use….kinder words….when discussing this with your peers."

She smirks. She wasn't great about it Freshman year. Kurt, Mercedes, Mr. Schue, and even Sue helped her learn some humility. "It took a few months, but I did learn my lesson."

"Good. And I'm serious. I'm glad you know you're still our star."

Her smirk fades into a soft smile. Of course she knows she's the star. But it's nice to have that reaffirmed once in a while. "Okay."

"Okay?" His eyebrows raise.

"Okay, I understand I may not be performing at Sectionals at all. And that if I am, it'll just be the third number and even then, it's only if I'm truly up for it."

Mr. Schuester's relief is palpable. So is his pride. He hugs her tight before heading off to get some work done in the remaining minutes of his planning period. Rachel is surprised to feel okay, emotionally. She's not happy but she's not upset either.

At least in this moment, she is simply…..accepting.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx