Chapter 10: Turkey Time

The following Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Rachel sits in the passenger seat of her mom's car watching scenery fly past. Her mom and Nana had talked a lot the past few days, debating whether to have Thanksgiving at Nana's house like usual, or at home so that Rachel doesn't have to travel (and is close to her doctors). In the end, they decided to keep the usual plan of Thanksgiving at Nana's house. The only change to their tradition is Rachel and her mom would arrive the day before. Since Rachel has a hard time waking up most mornings, arriving the day before means they won't risk arriving late for Thanksgiving dinner.

Rachel thinks back over the past couple days. She'd gone home after her talk with Mr. Schuester and done a few lessons with Holly. On Saturday Finn came over and worked on the dance steps….and made out for a while. He stayed hanging out with her until her headache became too bad. He waited with her until her mom had gotten her some medicine before leaving. On Sunday she'd sung with her mom and Kurt for a while. Kurt slept over and she went to school with him Monday morning. Sam had made her laugh so hard with his impressions at lunch that Holly, who had stepped out for a few minutes, thought she was having an attack when she returned. No attack, but it had left her breathless. Breathless. The newest, and final, symptom. She has officially gotten them all. Quinn had teased her about being thorough. She and Kurt had made a new video for his vlog giving an update on her condition. He'd continued to post random videos of the group and their preparation for Sectionals. This video revealed that Rachel would probably not be performing and an update on her health. Many of his followers keep asking after her, so she pops into his videos occasionally. She'd had a laugh at some of the comments. Some agreed it was a smart choice for her to sit out. Others argued that she deserves to sing in the competition, regardless of anything else. She went to school Tuesday afternoon, but only very briefly. She turned in completed assignments and collected new ones. After, Holly had taken her to Carmel. She hadn't been there as frequently this year, what with her mom being home with her more and not being the head coach anymore. But she's gone a few times to say hi to the VA kids. From there, they'd gone to the clinic for treatment. She'd spent the next hour vomiting.

She didn't go to school today. She couldn't fully wake up until early afternoon. And when she was finally awake, she was still too tired to actually do anything. Holly watched movies with her while her mom went to work. She had more energy by the time her mom got home. They'd had a light early dinner, then her mom had taken her to her treatment. A day early, since she wouldn't be going on Thanksgiving. She glances at her mom. The woman smiles at her.

"You can sleep, princess."

Her treatment side effects are currently mild, but numerous: headache, nausea, and fatigue. She reclines her seat a little more and closes her eyes. She wakes up to the car door opening. Grandpa leans across to unbuckle her and takes the opportunity to kiss her cheek.

"Hi, Grandpa."

"Hi, Darlin'."

He starts to lift her, but she protests. "I can walk, Grandpa."

He gives her a look, but then concedes defeat. Instead of carrying her, he simply wraps an arm around her waist and guides her into the house. Her mom is already at the door, waiting. Rachel squirms when she realizes the only thing her mother has bothered to bring in so far is Rachel's oxygen tank. Inside, Nana releases her mother from a hug and immediately pulls Rachel into one. She ends up curled on the couch chatting with Nana while her mother and grandfather bring in the luggage. They have brownies and cocoa while talking. Rachel is grateful that her symptoms have eased, so she can enjoy the delicious dessert. She's surprised her mom lets her go to bed before her, alone. Of course her mom tucks her in. She then discovers just why her mom was willing. Her mom places an alert button on the night stand and tells her she's already set the base up in the living room. Rachel merely sighs and nods.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When the rest of the family arrives early on Thanksgiving morning, Rachel is still asleep. Shelby (and her parents) check on her several times, each time finding her not quite ready to wake. It's fairly early still, so she's not concerned. Shelby feels it actually works out well because it gives her time to greet her siblings and sibling in-laws, and answer their questions about how they're doing, without having to keep hold of her emotions for Rachel's sake. Mark hugs her tight after his sons have greeted her and taken off to play.

"How's Rach?"

"Sleeping. Otherwise, she's…okay."

"And how are you?"

Shelby takes in a slow breath. "Getting by."

Her little brother nods understandingly. "Look, Shel, we want to be able to help more."

"I know you do. But you live an hour away, you work, and you have two little kids. It's fine."

"Amy and I have talked it over. A lot. The kids can visit their other grandparents more so Amy and I can take more trips to Akron."

"Your job—"

"Understands that family comes first. I have a great boss, remember."

Shelby chuckles at that. Mark's boss is his best friend from college. Arnold decided to start his own company and once it was successful he invited Mark to join him. Arnold may be his "boss" on paper, but they're more like partners. In fact, the only reason Mark isn't Arnold's official partner is because if the company goes under it would bankrupt them both. Arnold doesn't have kids or a wife, so it would only impact him. So Mark isn't co-owner in order to protect him. Everyone else in the small company knows that Mark is basically "co-boss".

"Okay."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oliver Corcoran sneaks behind his big brother, following him down the hall as silently as he can. Dylan opens the door slowly and eases into the room on tip toes. Oliver follows, doing his best to tip toe, but struggling to manage it. Sleeping on the bed is their cousin Rachel. Oliver likes Rachel. She's pretty and nice and she sings really pretty. Oliver likes listening to singing. And he really likes listening to her sing. Mommy and Daddy have been sad whenever they talk about Rachel. They said she's really sick. Oliver likes being cuddled; especially when he's sick. Ollie told Dylan he wanted to cuddle Rachel to make her feel better. His brother hadn't seemed sure, but gave in. Oliver can't climb up onto the bed in the guest room by himself. He needs Dylan's help.

Dylan gets down on his hands and knees. Oliver steps on his back, hands on the edge of the bed, and pulls himself up. Dylan starts to stand, pushing Oliver the rest of the way up. Once Oliver is on the bed, he carefully crawls over to his cousin. He wiggles down under the covers and curls into her. Her arm wraps around him. He looks up at her and sees her eyes open half way. She smiles sleepily down at him.

"Hi, Ollie." She whispers.

"Hi. Mommy and Daddy said you're sick." He whispers back.

"Yeah." She looks like she's starting to fall back asleep.

"When….when..um, when I'm sick, I like snuggles. They make me feel better."

Her smile grows. It makes him smile. "Snuggles make me feel better, too."

"So I can snuggle with you?"

"Absolutely. I'd really like that."

Ollie smiles happily and snuggles even closer. He feels warm and comfy, just like when he snuggles with anyone else in his family. He looks back up at Rachel. She's asleep again. She looks a little different than the last time he saw her. He's not sure how or what it means, but he doesn't like it. He closes his eyes and joins her in an unplanned nap time.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey, Dyl. Where's your brother?" Mark asked his son.

Dylan shrugs. "He likes being snuggled when he's not feeling good."

Mark frowns, worry filling him. Not just for his youngest son's health, but Rachel's. If Oliver is sick and passes anything to Rachel, it could be life threatening. He trades nervous glances with Shelby. "Is he feeing sick now?"

"No." Mark breathes a sigh of relief. "But Rachel is, right? Ollie wanted to snuggle with her to make her feel better."

Shelby's expression softens, as he imagines his own does. He thanks Dylan and follows his sister into the guest room. There on the bed are Rachel and Ollie, snuggling together. Shelby grabs her phone and snaps a few pictures. Mark does the same because, well, they're just so damn adorable. They slip out silently, leaving their children to their nap.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby's eyes jump to movement from the corner of her eye. Rachel, now dressed, is entering the living room. Oliver is holding her hand and walking beside her, sleepily rubbing his eyes. Shelby smiles at them, watching as Mark and Amy greet her daughter. She takes the opportunity to scoop Ollie onto her lap and snuggle him.

"Hi sweet boy. Thanks for helping make Rachel feel better."

Oliver smiles up at her. "She said my snuggles are magic cuz she feels better now."

Shelby squeezes him tighter and kisses the top of his head. When she looks up, Rachel has taken a seat on the end of the couch and is happily chatting with Amy. Kelly, Andy, and their kids arrive and a whole new wave of greetings plays out. Shelby had already sent a picture of the kids snuggling to Kelly, so she's not surprised when her sister gives Ollie extra snuggles and reiterates how sweet he is.

"You're such a sweet kiddo. I don't know how, though. You dad wasn't that sweet as a kid."

"Hey!" Mark starts to defend himself. "I was sweet! I…..uh…."

"Uh huh. No defense." Kelly teases.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The family plays their version of football again this year. However, there was no question about Rachel participating. She sat with her grandparents on the patio and watched the game from under the warmth of a blanket. At one poin, Oliver, Dylan, and Tyler caused a big distraction so that Abby could slip away. She ran to Rachel and had her hide the football under her blanket. When the adults figured out what had happened to the ball, Uncle Mark picked Rachel up and ran her to the "end zone" and claimed he made a touchdown. However, laughing, Rachel moved her blanket to reveal she didn't have the ball. While he'd been running with her she'd sneakily tossed it to Tyler. Uncle Mark stood dismayed, watching Tyler run to the other side of the yard and make the game winning point. Rachel kisses his cheek to appease him.

Like last year, Rachel enjoyed sitting around the table surrounded by family with multiple conversations going on at once. She participated in those conversations more this year, since she has now known her family for a year rather than a day. Thinking about it, she realizes that she has seen and spoken to them a lot this past year. In one year they managed to make her feel like she has been a part of the family for many years. Pictures of her hang alongside the other grandchildren in her grandparents home. She may not have years of memories built up, but she does have of memories of each of them. More importantly, she knows without a doubt that they love her and are happy to spend time with her. Even if she makes a bad joke, whines about not liking the food or having a headache, or makes a comment that comes across as arrogant. They just tease her lovingly about it. She's pulled from her introspection when Aunt Amy gently squeezes her arm. Rachel blinks to clear her thoughts and realizes that her aunt, and a few others, are watching her in thinly veiled concern. She must have gone quiet when she became lost in thought. She sits up straighter and smiles, diving back into the conversations around her.

"Another wonderful Thanksgiving." Her grandfather announces happily.

Everyone smiles and agrees, but Rachel notes some tension as well. It only takes a moment of pondering to realize why. Her. Her health. While they're happy she's there with them again, she's worse now than she was a year ago. She came very close to not being there this year. And she may not be there to celebrate Thanksgiving with them ever again. Her mother is smiling, but her body is rigid. If she dies, how will her mom be next year? Sitting at this table with one less seat. Will she be thinking about the two years Rachel was there with her? Or of the years before when she wasn't? Maybe Scott will be here, serving as both a comfort and a distraction. Looking at her mom again, she sees a film of tears glaze her eyes and realizes she's probably having similar thoughts. Wanting to pull her from those dark thoughts, Rachel tries to think of a way to ease them or at least distract her.

"Uncle Andy, can you pass the sweet potato casserole?" She asks.

As she expected, her mother's head shoots up to her. Uncle Andy smiles. "You want seconds, little niece?"

Rachel grins. "Yeah. They're really good."

Her mom's eyes lighten and her smile becomes happier. Mission accomplished. Uncle Andy picks up the dish, but doesn't send it her way. Aunt Kelly rolls her eyes.

"What are you waiting for, Andy? Pass the girl the casserole."

He shrugs. "I require payment."

Rachel looks at the dishes closest to her. "I'll trade you for the green bean casserole." She guesses.

He shakes his head. "Nope. Not interested."

"For the love of God, Andy, just pass them to her." Grandpa says.

Rachel grins. "Uh….more turkey?"

"Nope."

"Dad." Abby groans.

Rachel follows her uncle's gaze. It lands on the last bit of stuffing, which Tyler is currently reaching for.

"Oh….I know what he wants."

Tyler stops and looks up, seeing both Rachel and his dad watching him. He looks back at the stuffing he's holding. Rachel watches realization dawn on the older teen's face. Then his eyes narrow into a fierce scowl. "No way."

"Now, son…"

"No! I reached for them first!"

"Rachel wants the sweet potatoes."

"Then give her the sweet potatoes! I'm keeping my stuffing." He scoops the stuffing onto his plate.

"Tyler!" Uncle Andy whines. By this point, everyone's attention is on the battle taking place. The table is split. Some are amused and chuckling, enjoying the show. Others, like Aunt Kelly and her mom, are getting annoyed.

"Forget it." Tyler looks at the last scoop of stuffing, pauses, then glances at the table at large. "Fine, you want it that badly? Take it." He flings his spoonful of stuffing at his father. Of course, he wasn't sitting right next to the man, so bits of stuffing scatter across the table between them. What doesn't hit the table pelts Rachel, Aunt Amy, and Abby.

"Hey!"

"Ack!"

"Tyler!"

"What'd I do?"

"Andy, look what you started!"

"Tyler, that is not appropriate!" Uncle Andy yells at him, glaring. There's a very brief pause, then his expression changes and he grins maliciously. "This is the appropriate way to fling food with a spoon." He proceeds to fling a spoonful of sweet potatoes at his son, managing to get a wallop right on Tyler's cheek.

"Dad!"

"Andy!"

Pandemonium has been unleashed. Tyler grabs the mashed potatoes and flings a spoonful back at his father, hitting him in the chest. Dylan, always happy to copy his cousin, throws a piece of turkey which hits Nana. Not wanting to be left out, Oliver tries to throw a handful of his green beans. Most land on his father, who is laughing too hard to notice. Giving up on any semblance of decorum, everyone else joins in, tossing food at each other. They stop when there's nothing left to throw. Nana had immediately taken away the gravy. Rachel assumed that either it was still warm and Nana didn't want anyone to get burned, or it would just be too messy. Looking down at her clothes, she kind of wishes Nana had taken the creamed onions away as well. She's still breathless from laughing so much. Everyone else is still laughing or at least smiling as well. When everything calms down, they sit quietly for a moment, just looking at the destruction they caused.

Abby starts squirming uncomfortably. "I think there's cranberry sauce in my ear."

They are all laughing again when Nana re-enters the room carrying a bowl. She sets it on the table in front of Uncle Andy. It's a full bowl of stuffing.

"You see, Andrew," Uncle Andy cringes "I'm well aware that you enjoy my stuffing. I made sure to make plenty. I doubled the recipe."

Uncle Andy looks down, abashed. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"You moron." Aunt Kelly chides him, shaking her head.

Nana walks back into the kitchen, then returns with a smaller bowl. "As it happens, my serving bowl wasn't big enough to hold the sweet potato casserole. So I still have more of that, as well."

This bowl she sets in front of Rachel with a smile. Even though she was really only asking to cheer her mom up, Rachel grins and scoops some onto her plate. Her mom is smiling happily at her. Rachel giggles at the glob of potato on her mom's shirt. The two bowls get passed around and anyone still hungry took some of each. When everyone who wants it has had some, Grandpa takes it away to place in the kitchen "so we have some leftovers tomorrow."

"You know, this would make a great holiday photo." Uncle Mark says with a smile.

Shrugging and chuckling, everyone agrees. They all lean in close while Grandpa sets up a timer on his camera. Nana then uses her phone to snap a few quick pictures as well. She immediately sends it to everyone else, so everyone has a copy of it. Nana and Grandpa lecture Tyler and Uncle Andy, forcing them to get the cleaning supplies and clean up the dining room alone since they started it. When Uncle Andy tried to say that technically Rachel started it by asking for the sweet potatoes, Aunt Kelly slapped the back of his head. Rachel grinned as she walked away. The rest of the family takes turns in the bathrooms to clean up. Quick showers and clothing changes were required for most of them.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel is clean, full, and tired. The food fight and resulting laughter was a lot of fun, but exhausting. She spots Nana sitting in a recliner with a glass of wine, relaxing. Smiling and recalling a year ago, she sits with her grandmother, snuggling into her side. Nana chuckles and places her wine glass down on the end table so she can wrap both arms around her.

"Hi, pumpkin. How're you feeling?"

Rachel is honestly surprised she hasn't been asked that more frequently. "I'm fine. Just tired."

"Hhmmm. Then it's a good thing you can rest."

Fingers play with her hair and she smiles slightly.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby smiles at her mom holding Rachel while she sleeps. She's not surprised her daughter fell asleep. She was expecting it. Not only has she been falling asleep more frequently lately, but she was struggling to stay awake while changing.

"Are you two definitely heading home tomorrow?"

She looks at her father. "Yeah. I don't like her being away from her doctors for long. Plus we're doing our Thanksgiving Take 2 on Saturday. I'd like to be home Friday night so we don't have to rush or hold it late on Saturday."

"Do you think you'll go Black Friday shopping in the morning?" Abby asks. It's tradition, after all. But her niece seems to know the answer she'll be getting.

"No, sweetie. I'm sorry, but I'm going to stay here with Rachel in the morning. Sleep in."

Abby shrugs. "Honestly, sleeping in sounds good." She looks at her mom.

Kelly huffs and rolls her eyes. "Fine. I guess we can skip tomorrow."

"You two can still go. Or you can go by yourself." Shelby reminds her.

"Nah." Kelly's gaze drifts to Rachel, then back. "But maybe we should discuss doing something instead of the family midday Black Friday shopping trip."

Shelby nods. There's no way that's happening. Well it could, but Rachel and Shelby will not be going. "Rachel would feel guilty if no one went. She'd know it's because of her."

"Well we can't have that." Mark chimes in. "We can decide on something different to do that doesn't involve leaving here."

They begin discussing different possibilities. After a while, her mother carefully slides off the recliner to start getting dessert ready. Shelby was going to take her place, but Mark beat her to it. Once he was on the recliner with Rachel in his arms, he stuck his tongue out at her. Shelby rolls her eyes at her little brother. Instead, she follows her mother and sister into the kitchen to help prepare dessert. Once it's ready Shelby returns to the living room. Rachel is still asleep.

"Should we wake her?" Mark asks uncertainly.

Shelby isn't sure. She wants Rachel awake and spending time with them. Especially on a holiday. However, Rachel needs her rest. She decides to try waking her. If she can't wake, that's fine. Or so she tells herself.

"Rachel?" Shelby gently shakes her arm. "Rach, it's dessert time." Rachel shifts, but doesn't open her eyes. "Open your eyes, princess."

"Hmm."

Mark chimes in with his own encouragement. "Brownies."

Shelby grins. Rachel does love brownies.

"Hadum." Rachel mumbles.

"Huh?"

"We had brownies last night." Shelby informs her brother.

"Ah, lucky girl." Shelby feels her face fall. Mark's does too. He immediately gives her an apologetic look. Rachel is anything but lucky.

"We can wait a while longer for dessert." Amy offers.

Everyone agrees, so the adults go back to talking and the little kids continue to play. Dylan and Oliver beg their father to come play with them, so Mark reluctantly eases out from under Rachel. Shelby tucks a blanket around her. About an hour later, they decide to go ahead with dessert. This time, Shelby watches her mother try to wake her daughter. Rachel rolls her head towards her grandmother and her eyes flutter open. Seeing how tired she still is tugs Shelby's heart strings. Her poor kid.

"Hey, sweet-pea. Think you can join us for dessert?"

Rachel rubs her face and yawns. "Okay."

Her mom pulls Rachel off the recliner, which everyone else takes as their cue to head into the dining room. Rachel is nearly out of the living room when she suddenly sways and grabs her grandmother. Shelby quickly closes the gap and takes hold of Rachel's arm. It wasn't strictly necessary, since her mother had gotten an arm around Rachel's waist and is holding her up. It makes Shelby feel better nonetheless.

"Dizzy?"

Her daughter nods, face against her grandmother's shoulder.

"Honey, do you need to go back to sleep?"

Rachel gives her a look that is both exasperated and reassuring at the same time. Shelby immediately reads it as "of course I do, but I can stay awake for long enough to enjoy dessert with the family" and chuckles lowly. They wait for Rachel to begin walking again, not wanting to rush her. She does so after a moment. They're the last to enter the dining room. Everyone looks over at them worriedly. A glance at her daughter tells her Rachel is embarrassed but also understanding.

"Took you long enough, Shel." Mark teases. "I didn't realize you were getting so old that getting off the couch takes that long."

Everyone laughs while Shelby scowls and swats at her brother. They enjoy the delicious variety of pies, cakes, and brownies. From the corner of her eye, she watches Rachel take small bites of a slice of pumpkin pie. Rachel had eaten a good amount at dinner, pleasing Shelby. Because of this, she's not surprised Rachel isn't really hungry enough for anything else. She's glad she agreed to wake up and sit with everyone. The girl still looks tired.

She's fine.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mark took his family home after dessert with the promise of returning in the morning. Despite being tired, Rachel agreed to go upstairs to the attic room with her older cousins. For a while, they talked about college. The twins are graduating at the end of the year. Abby wants to be an event planner and run her own business. Tyler decided to follow his father and go into architecture. Rachel asked questions about their classes, college life, and plans for afterwards. Abby also talked about her boyfriend. Tyler recently broke up with his girlfriend, but insisted he wasn't too upset. It hadn't been serious. The twins asked Rachel about school, her lessons with Holly, and her friends; specifically Finn. Most of this information they already knew. Between texting, chatting on Facebook, and the random visits over the summer, they're not strangers. Last year they were. Rachel doesn't notice Tyler reaching under the bed he's leaning against. She doesn't see the little blue light indicating that the baby monitor has been turned on.

"Soo…..dying." Tyler begins. Abby's eyes widen and she smacks her brother. He frowns. "I mean, you technically died for a couple minutes."

Rachel briefly smirks. She figured they'd get around to her health eventually. "Yeah."

"Did you see the Grim Reaper with a scythe? Or Charon to ferry your soul across?"

"Seriously, Ty!" Abby groans.

Rachel started to respond with a joke of her own, but stopped, thinking hard. Her cousins look at her in concern.

"I'm sorry if I took it too far, Rachel. I was joking."

"No, it's fine. I just…I think there was a boat. Or water. Or something."

"Really?" Her cousins are wide-eyed.

Rachel shrugs. "I don't really remember. But something about a boat sounds vaguely familiar."

They're quiet for a minute.

"Wait, so…..you actually remember dying? Like, you were aware it was happening?"

She looks at them, taking in their shock and horror. No one has flat out asked her about it yet. They're the first. She nods. They look like they don't know how to feel about that.

"So what was it like?" The question is asked in a hesitant, yet curious tone.

"Well," She wets her lips as she considers how to explain it. "I was sort of aware of it. Like…I was sort of aware of being held. I was sort of aware of people around me talking, though that disappeared fast. Mostly I was aware of the pain. And then…have you ever fallen off a chair or bed or missed a step?" Her cousins nod. "And you get that feeling that you just know you're about to fall and there's nothing you can do about it?" They nod again, slower this time. "That's sort of what it was like for me. There was pain beyond anything I could accurately describe and then that falling feeling. That sensation you get when you know you're falling or are about to fall. And then I knew. I was about to die."

Abby's breathing is harsh as she tries not to cry. Tyler looks torn between morbid fascination and horror.

"A lot of people….or at least movies…describe dying like falling asleep." He says quietly.

She shrugs lightly. "Falling is falling. You can feel like you're going to fall asleep. You can feel like you're going to fall off a cliff or something. Falling asleep is quieter. Gentler. The feeling of your body actually falling is stronger and….scarier."

"You were scared?" Abby whispers.

Rachel hesitates, not sure how much to admit to. Then she reasons that they're her cousins. Family. And not family she lives with. She can tell them. "No."

"No?" They're back to shock. She figures its a good thing that they can't imagine not being afraid to die. It means they're not familiar with suffering.

Her smile is not a happy one. "No. I was relieved. Feeling…..knowing….that I was going to die meant the pain would soon be gone. It was already fading away because the feeling of falling was becoming stronger. It was a relief."

"I can't imagine being in pain that bad."

"I hope you never have to."

Tyler seems to be about to ask another question but stops himself, watching her solemnly. "So you said you were….like….only kind of aware of what was going on around you? The people with you?"

"Only partially aware of them. There was too much pain. It drowned out everything else."

"But you said you felt….the pull or falling sensation….you were pretty sure you were going to die, so you were thinking…..did you…what were your….." He can't seem to decide how to ask. Or if he should. Rachel decides to help him out.

"What were my last thoughts?" They look uncomfortable, but nod. Rachel twists the hem of her shirt. "I…remember wishing that I could send a message to my loved ones."

"What message?" Abby's eyes are wide and wet.

"That I was sorry. And that I did my best."

"I don't think….." Tyler looks at her seriously. "I don't think you have to apologize for dying. And like…."

"And we know you did your best."

Rachel smiles slightly.

"You're a lot calmer about this than I expected. Like, I know my parents said you immediately made a joke about it, but still. You're pretty calm."

Calm? "Am I?"

Her cousins frown, trading glances. "You seem calm, at least."

Rachel pulls her feet under her, curling up more. She thinks about it. Is she calm? No. She thinks she's just tired.

"Rachel?"

She shrugs. "I guess."

"You guess?"

"I mean…..on the one hand, I'm not always calm. I freak out, I just don't do it in front of people. On the other hand, I guess I'm mostly calm. Or at least too tired to freak out about it."

"When do you freak out?"

"Usually at night. I used to be alone then, so I could….let myself just….feel how I felt without having eyes on me."

"Used to be."

"I'm not truly left alone anymore. Even at night."

"So…..when was the last time you let yourself…..just feel how you feel?"

Rachel shrugs. "It's been a while."

"Do you always wait until you're alone?"

"I prefer it that way, but I think that option is no longer viable." She brushes her hair behind her ear. "I do talk and cry about it. Like with my mom. But I haven't really….let myself….I don't know, react? To this last double attack."

"You have a therapist, right?" Abby asks softly.

"Yeah. I've spoken to her a lot. She helps, she does. But talking to her is not my preferred coping mechanism."

"What is?"

She smiles. "Singing, usually. Or ranting to an empty room whose feelings I don't have to worry about hurting. I don't like having to censor myself when I'm letting my emotions out. It kind of defeats the purpose. If I'm going to talk to people, it's my mom, Kurt, or Finn. Maybe Uncle Burt."

"What about Grandpa and Nana?"

Rachel tilts her head, thinking about them. "I love them. And I know they love me. I'm sure I could rant and vent to them. I've been able to talk to them and spend time with them pretty frequently in the past year which has been really great. I'll turn to them if I need to, but…..At least for now I'm just more comfortable leaning…emotionally….on my main four."

"Your mom, Kurt, Finn, and your Uncle Burt."

Rachel nods.

"I think it's great that even though you've only known your mom for about a year she's still one of the few people you want to turn to."

Rachel looks down.

"What is it?"

"Sometimes I forget." She responds softly.

"Forget what?"

She smiles a little. "I've known my mother for one year. But in that year, she has loved me so deeply that…..she has managed to make me feel like she's been there loving me my whole life. Like retroactive Mom love." She laughs slightly, her eyes watering.

Abby's eyes water as well and even Tyler looks emotional.

"That's an awesome mom."

"The best." Rachel agrees. She sucks in a breath, feeling pinpricks strike.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Downstairs in the living room the adults are sitting silently, listening to the conversation floating through the baby monitor sitting on the end table. Shelby is leaning against her father, her hands covering her face, and sobbing as quietly as she can. Kelly rubs her arm.

"You're one amazing mother." Her father tells her.

Shelby is so very glad to know that she has managed to make her daughter feel so loved. Her heart is filled with joy. However, the rest of the conversation they had listened to before that point crushed her. Then again, she was relieved to hear that Rachel doesn't fully remember her "dream" about being in the boat with her father. She makes a mental note to either give Rachel time alone (as close to alone as she can) to deal with the most recent attack or find a way to show her she doesn't have to censor herself or worry about hurting her feelings if she vents to her. Her thoughts are interrupted by the conversation upstairs resuming. She tenses until Abby makes it clear, as inconspicuously as possible, that Rachel's attack is mild. She isn't able to fully relax until Rachel starts talking again. When Rachel mentions going to bed, Shelby hurries into the bathroom to splash her face. She's grateful that her complexion doesn't make it obvious that she's been crying. She had a friend in college whose face would turn bright red in big splotches. The poor girl could never hide when she cried. Only Shelby's bloodshot eyes may give her away.

She comes out of the bathroom to see Rachel walking slowly down the stairs next to Abby. The two girls are chatting about some romantic comedy they both like. Her quick glance into the living room reveals that someone has put the baby monitor away. The last thing she wants is to upset Rachel by revealing they were eavesdropping on their entire conversation. Shelby had talked to her family about how little Rachel was talking about her near death experience. She wanted to know what she remembers and how she's feeling about it without being the one to push her. She also wanted Rachel to answer some specific questions without her around, just in case she'd give a different answer because of her presence. Amy had hesitantly offered up her old baby monitors and the twins had, just as hesitantly, offered to engage Rachel in a deep conversation in the attic room. When the girls reach the bottom step, Shelby wraps her arms around both of them. Both girls return the hug.

"Ready for bed?"

Rachel nods, her exhaustion obvious. While they're brushing their teeth Shelby sees Rachel's expression in the mirror turn into a grimace. She pauses her brushing to watch Rachel spit blood into the sink. Shelby frowns. Bloody gums. Rachel rinses out her mouth, cleans off her toothbrush, and walks out. She thinks of a few times this has happened before when Rachel found it funny to let the blood coat her teeth then give Shelby a big smile. Shelby always found it disconcerting but wasn't about to ruin the small way her daughter had managed to find amusement in the situation. It seems her daughter no longer finds it amusing.

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Debra places a fresh batch of French toast on the table. It's barely down before her oldest grandson reaches for more. She laughs at his appetite. Like his father before him, he manages to eat whatever he wants and stay skinny. Lucky boy. Lucky. She lets her mind drift while she returns to the kitchen for more syrup. In many ways, they've all been lucky. In health, family, and happiness. The only truly "unlucky" experiences were the contract Shelby signed, Shelby's brief experience with cancer, Christopher's car accident, and Kelly's miscarriage. And then there's Rachel, whose entire life can be counted as "unlucky" or at least unfair. Hard. The girl deserves a break. Debra wishes for nothing more than for Rachel to get better quickly. Her mind drifts to the conversation they eavesdropped on the night before. Relieved. Rachel had been relieved when she realized she was dying. Not scared. Relieved to know she wouldn't be in pain anymore. Hearing laughter from the dining room, she quickly wipes her eyes and rejoins her family.

She's finished with her own plate when her youngest granddaughter enters the room. She watches her daughter light up when Rachel enters and wishes them all a good morning. Her mind again drifts to the overheard conversation. The fact that Shelby has managed to make Rachel feel loved her entire life despite only knowing her a year is incredible. She's proud of her daughter for being an amazing mother and so happy that her granddaughter knows how loved she is. She watches Rachel pour herself a glass of orange juice and start talking to Kelly. When Kelly points out the delicious foods available, Rachel nods.

"It all smells so wonderful."

"It tastes wonderful, too." Abby informs her, nudging a plate of French toast closer to her cousin.

Rachel grins sardonically. "I'm sure. Unfortunately it'd taste less wonderful the second time around."

Shelby rubs her daughter's back.

"Nauseous?"

"A little."

Would it be too much to ask for Rachel to have one day with no symptoms?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mark and his troop return and the family spends an enjoyable afternoon playing games. It was a mix of board games, card games, and more physical games, so everyone got to do something they enjoy. Shelby kept her smile in place as the afternoon wore on, even after she noticed Rachel curling up on the couch to watch instead of participate. She played a few games, but is now choosing to watch, laugh, and if her last remark was anything to go by, mock, her family. She smirks at the witty insult her daughter just playfully lobbed at Andy. Kelly is laughing so hard at her husband's expense that she's in tears.

These are the moments that make the hard times worth fighting through.

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