Chapter 14: Take What's Broken and Build it Again

If Rachel had thought going home after nearly dying was odd, it had nothing on going home after being told she may only have 2-3 months left to live. Since Uncle Burt had driven them that morning, he also drove them home. Rachel sat in the back between Kurt and Finn. The ride was silent. Almost awkwardly so. Last time, she'd watched the world go by and thought about how she almost left it. Now she thinks about how much time she may have left in it and some of the things she may miss out on. Seeing the Golden Arches up ahead makes her think about the times she and Kurt had wheedled Uncle Burt into stopping for milkshakes and fries. She smiles slightly and her eyes slide to Kurt. He looks between her smile and the sign for McDonalds. His own small smile forms.

"So Dad," Kurt begins, "any chance we could stop for shakes and fries?"

His dad looks back at him, slightly baffled by the request. "You want McDonald's?"

"I could go for a strawberry milkshake." Rachel says, smiling slightly. Anything beats the awkward, depressed silence from before.

"Weren't you just throwing up two hours ago?" Her mother questions. She has a point. Even Kurt gives her an 'oh, right' look. Despite this, Uncle Burt is slowing down. He moves over a lane.

"Well, yes, but that was two hours ago. And they gave me the good stuff, so I'm not even nauseous anymore."

"I could go for a burger." Finn chimes in.

The adults share a look. With a quiet snort, Uncle Burt pulls into the McDonald's drive through. Just as they did when they were younger, Rachel and Kurt give a little "yesss" and high five.

"I'm totally getting a Happy Meal."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Burt and Carole gather up the last of the McDonald's trash and throw it away. Rachel had almost finished her milkshake and had even eaten a fair amount of fries. The rest of them had gotten full meals, though all but Finn had mostly picked at their food. Now, Rachel is asleep in the recliner. The boys are sitting on the couch. Burt eyes Shelby. The woman looks shell shocked. He doesn't blame her.

"When are you going to tell your family?" Carole asks gently.

It takes a moment for the question to penetrate the fog Shelby seems to be drifting through. "I….don't know. I don't even know how. This isn't something I want to tell them over the phone, but…..I don't really want to ask them to come here just to tell them this." She turns to Burt. "How did you tell your family about Mary?"

"She was an adult so she told them herself. I sat with her and held her hand, but she did the talking."

Shelby sighs, running a hand tiredly through her hair. Kurt had already questioned Rachel on when she'd tell the rest of their friends. She'd pointed out that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Since only she and Puck are Jewish, the rest celebrate Christmas and she said she didn't want to ruin everyone's holiday. Though, even Rachel and Puck have gotten into celebrating Christmas to some extent. Burt knows that Puck would sometimes spend part of Christmas Day with Finn and Carole on the years that they wouldn't travel to see family. And Rachel, of course, has been celebrating Christmas with them for about 5 years now. The Hummel-Hudson plan for Christmas this year was originally going to be the two families traveling to visit extended family that they haven't seen in a while. Next year would be their first Christmas together. They still don't have a date, but Burt and Carole plan to be married by then. This was going to be the last Christmas they spend not married and not together.

But then Rachel got worse. And they got scared. His tearful son begged him to let them stay home for Christmas this year, not wanting to be far from his "sister". It didn't take much to get him to give in. He'd already been leaning that way before Kurt asked. Frankly, he and his son aren't that close with the rest of the family. Not the way Shelby is with hers. Their visits are more out of obligation than any true desire to get together. He'd called his extended family and explained the situation. They'd understood. They've all met Rachel at least once and they all know how much Burt and Kurt love her. The Hummel's will hold their normal Christmas festivities in their own home with Rachel this year.

Carole and Finn had had a similar discussion, but they're also closer to their extended family. The Hudson's had talked and argued for days, both uncertain what the best course of action would be. Both wanted to stick to the original plan and visit family, knowing they won't next year. However, neither want to be far from Rachel. Especially Finn. In the end Carole had asked her family if they'd be willing to hold the family gathering at her parent's house. Carole's parents only live about 20 minutes away. Knowing the situation, they'd agreed. So now, they'll get to celebrate with their family, and only be minutes away from home.

Shaking off thoughts of holiday plans, Burt looks closer at Shelby. Despite her not celebrating Christmas, he does not like the idea of her being alone. Mother and daughter will join them at their house tomorrow for dinner. Whether Shelby stays the night with Rachel or heads home as she had the previous year is still uncertain. Burt knows that Shelby would prefer to stay by Rachel's side. Especially now, with time potentially running out. But then a thought occurs to him. He wonders if its his place to say it or if he should keep his peace as he usually does. Then he chides himself. Shelby has become family. He needs to speak up.

"Finn," Burt says quietly, "can you take Rachel up to her room? Kurt, go with them."

The two boys look confused, but they obviously don't mind the request. Burt looks carefully at Shelby, making sure she's not upset with his command. She's not. The three adults watch Finn lift Rachel from the recliner, keeping the blanket around her. The boy cradles her carefully as he takes the stairs with Kurt close behind. Momentarily distracted, Burt wonders if the ease with which Finn lifted and maneuvered her is testament to the extra strength training he's been doing or a result of the weight Rachel has been losing. Possibly both. Burt hasn't wanted to say anything, but Rachel is starting to actually look ill. For the past year, she has been sick. However, unless she'd just had an attack, you wouldn't know it just by looking at her. She just appeared to be a thin, pale girl. Now, even a stranger passing her on the street could look at her and at least suspect that she's sick. He shakes himself from his musings when Carole takes his hand. The couple faces Shelby, who appears to be bracing herself.

"Shelby, I had a thought. For the past several years, Rachel has come to our house on Christmas Eve and spent the night. She spends Christmas Day with us. Last year, the two of you came for dinner on Christmas Eve, then you went home and she stayed. You rejoined us the next day." Burt leans forward, catching her eyes. "I think you should do that again this year."

Shelby blinks and sits up straighter, her back going stiff. "What? I can't—"

Burt holds up a placating hand. "Hold on, just hear me out. If you truly don't agree with my idea, fine. But at least let me finish explaining."

Hesitantly, she nods. He sighs.

"You need to tell your family about this. The sooner the better. I agree its not something you should say over the phone if it can be avoided." He looks at her meaningfully, making sure she's listening to the most important part. "And Shel, you really need time to get a handle on how you're feeling. I'm speaking from experience. Don't keep it in and think you can keep pushing it down until she's better so you don't have to face it. I tried it. I failed. I ended up falling apart in front of Mary. And my breakdown was no small thing. To this day, I'm still glad Kurt hadn't been around to see it. I could have avoided that situation if I'd just dealt with my feelings from the start."

Shelby takes a deep breath, her eyes filming over. She nods, though he can tell its in understanding, not yet in agreement. He goes on. "I suggest you spend tonight holding her." Shelby smiles slightly. He's pretty sure nothing and no one could stop her from doing that. "Call your family today. Maybe just your parents for now. Maybe all of them, if you'd like. Ask them to come over tomorrow evening." Her eyes warily lock on his. "Tomorrow afternoon, you and Rachel come over and we'll have our Christmas Eve dinner together. We'll eat early. After, go home and meet up with your family. Talk to them, tell them everything. But most importantly, tell them how you feel about it. Completely and honestly. You can let yourself talk, cry, scream, whatever you need, without having to censor or muffle yourself. Rachel will be safe in my home with Kurt and I. We won't leave her alone at any time. Kurt will most definitely sleep with her. She'll be safe and relaxed. We'll be having fun watching holiday movies. This way, you can step back from focusing on her and spend a few hours focusing on yourself."

Carole nods. "He's right, Shelby. It's a good plan. We all need to be strong and calm for Rachel. To do that, we all need to find the time to face our emotions. I know its harder for you because you're her mother." Shelby's tears spill over. "That relationship, that responsibility of being the parent, and the fact that she lives with you full time means it is nearly impossible for you to step away from her long enough to take care of yourself. But you need to. And this will give you the perfect opportunity to do so. Rachel will be safe and happy with Burt and Kurt at their house. You can be here, knowing she can't overhear you or see you. You can say whatever you need to say. Let your parents help you. That way, you'll be calmer and better able to help Rachel through this."

"It'll also give your parents the time to handle the news as they need to before they see her. My guess is they'll also want to be there for you, to help you handle this."

They stop talking to give Shelby time to process the idea. She slowly wrings her hands, eyes on the floor, lips pressed into a thin line. After a few minutes, she slowly nods. "Okay. We'll do it that way."

Burt releases a breath. He wasn't sure what he would have done if she hadn't agreed. That's not true. He would have done whatever she said she needed. Thinking of that….

"What do you need, Shelby?"

Her expression turns grim. He knows what she needs. It's what they all need: for Rachel to be okay. But she knows what he means. She looks up at them.

"I feel like a child asking this, but can you stay while I call? I just…." She rubs her hands on her legs. "…I think I'll be less likely to fall apart just asking them to come over if I'm not alone."

They instantly agree. Burt is mildly fascinated as he watches her take a few breaths and put on her "show face" as she and the kids call it. He has seen Rachel do the same, though Shelby's is better.

Shelby picks up her phone.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She'd woken before her boys left. Her boys. Mercedes may have said it, but she'd been thinking it for months. Finn and Kurt, in their own ways, are her boys. Blaine, too. Despite not knowing him as long or seeing him as often, he has become one of her closest friends. He has become one of "her boys". She'd overheard part of a conversation between Quinn and Santana in which she learned that the rest of the guys in the club are a little jealous to not be considered one of "her boys". Even Sam, whom she's only known a few months.

She'd made it clear that she wasn't ready to discuss anything serious, so the three of them had talked about inconsequential things. Christmas movies, songs, their friends, and other lighthearted topics were considered "safe". Kurt admitted that Blaine asked to talk to him over coffee soon. He'd blushed horribly while saying it, but had also been bouncing. Finn and Rachel had teased him, but were truly happy. Rachel hopes Blaine asks him out. Despite Blaine being younger, he seems more confident taking charge in romantic situations than Kurt does.

Before they'd left, the hugs she got from Uncle Burt, Kurt, and Mrs. Hudson had seemed….different. Delicate, yet desperate. Almost like a goodbye. Then again, she was probably just reading too much into it because of the emotional nature of the day. Finn was her saving grace. He'd waited to be last. His easy grin and relaxed posture had instantly eased some of the tumultuous emotions she was struggling to hold in. His firm kiss had calmed her down the rest of the way.

"I'll see you soon." Casually stated. The ease and confidence with which he'd spoken had been the final piece she'd needed to relax and respond in kind. His calm is the perfect balance to her dramatics. She'd grinned and pulled him in for another, longer kiss. His dopey grin as he'd walked away had made the parents all chuckle.

That was a couple hours ago. Now she's in bed, her mother sleeping next to her, staring at the ceiling in the dim light. She wonders if she should wake her mom. But she's not in distress. Not really. She just can't sleep. She'd rolled over to wake her mom anyway, but the tear tracks still drying on her mother's sleeping face stopped her. With a sigh, she debates what to do. Wake her mom? See if she can find where her mom put the sedatives? Use this time to process what she'd heard earlier? She's tempted to call Kurt or Finn, but worries that her mom would get upset that she didn't talk to her first.

Stage 4.

She'd suspected. She'd known she was getting worse. Could feel herself tiring. No, not just tiring. She feels like there's a hole somewhere, or a crack, that's allowing her energy reserves to slowly but steadily drain out of her. Each day she feels like she has a little less energy to work with. Each day feels just a little harder than the last.

Possibly only two to three months left.

That part she hadn't suspected. She swipes at her eyes. There's still time for her to get better. Her body could start responding better to the treatment at any time and she could go into remission. She could still live her dreams. Live her life. She presses her pajama sleeves against her eyes, trying to stem the flow.

Stage 4.

Not a surprise.

Two to three months.

Surprise.

Her breath catches in her chest. She wants to live. She desperately wants to live. She also wants this pain and fear to end. The real question is, which does she want more? And does it even matter? Will anything she does at this point make a difference? In the past several months as she has slowly gotten worse and her body has weakened, she has considered the possibility of dying. She has known she may not survive this from the beginning. She has wondered about it a lot in recent months. Despite this, she never truly believed she'd die at 16. It was a possibility she had acknowledged, but apparently not accepted. Then again, she might not. Feeling herself begin to crack, she scoots closer to her mother. She rests her head on her mom's shoulder and wraps her arm over her stomach. Her mom's arms instantly wrap around her.

"You'll be fine."

The crack becomes a chasm. Her mother holds her tight, letting her cry her heart out for the second time that day.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On Christmas Eve, Shelby and Rachel headed over to the Hummel's after Rachel was awake and ready. They started out by singing fun carols, though Burt mostly listened, only joining the singing when the kids begged him to. He really can't sing. At all. Which made it all the more entertaining. Shelby and the kids ended up laughing more than singing. Burt, both amused and irritated, rolled his eyes. "You asked me to sing!" They played a few games and then decided to make ornaments.

Rachel shakes glitter onto her snowflake.

Kurt looks over at her and scoffs. "A glittery snowflake? How original."

Shelby bites back a grin. Burt doesn't bother. Especially when Rachel drops the hand with the glitter and glares at him. "A snowflake that isn't glittery doesn't make sense. They're made of ice. Ice sparkles and glitters!"

Kurt shrugs idly and goes back to gluing buttons on his snowman. "Whatever."

Rachel rolls her eyes and goes back to working. Shelby is tying the bow on her own snowman when Kurt reaches for the glitter. Rachel slides it out of his reach without even looking at him. Shelby pauses her work to watch the scene. Burt does the same. Kurt's brow furrows in confusion, then he reaches for the glitter once more. Yet again, Rachel slides it further away without looking at him. Her lips twitch. Kurt's eyes narrow.

"Rachel?"

"Yes?" She asks innocently.

"Can you hand me the glitter?"

Rachel finally turns to look at her brother. "What do you need it for?"

"For my snowman."

Burt clears his throat and gets up to refill his mug. Shelby's pretty sure he only stepped away to avoid laughing. She grins again. Rachel gives Kurt a look.

"Really? Glitter for your snowman? How original." Deadpanned.

Burt starts coughing/laughing, his eyes watering from trying not to choke on his coffee while laughing. Shelby grins at the look on Kurt's face.

"I am never unoriginal!" He argues hotly.

"A glittery snowman? Like a glittery snowflake? Unoriginal."

Kurt flounders. "I….but snow…..I was just teasing! Now pass me the glitter!"

"You want the glitter?" Shelby smirks. She knows that tone her daughter just used means trouble. Kurt knows it, too. He watches her warily. "Fine. Have some glitter."

Rachel shakes the open glitter bottle towards him, showering Kurt in glitter. He yelps and backs away. Rachel gives chase. Burt helps out by pulling his son down onto his lap and holding him captive while Rachel shakes glitter into his hair and down his shirt. Shelby laughs, watching Kurt attempt to squirm out of his father's arms. The boy is red faced from giggling and fighting. Rachel's grin is victorious as she walks away from her sparkly brother now panting from laughing so hard. Rachel retakes her seat next to Shelby, her eyes sparkling more than her glitter-covered brother. The mother wraps an arm around her shoulders and kisses her cheek, still chuckling.

Once Kurt has calmed, he stands and gives his father a light shove. "Traitor."

Burt merely smirks at his son and goes back to working on his own ornament (a truck with a Christmas tree in the back).

"You brought it on yourself." Shelby tells him with a grin.

"Et Tu, Aunt Shelby?" The boy questions. When he sees everyone grinning at him, he gives in with a sigh. "Fine. Let's make up, Rach. How about a hug?"

Kurt's grin is devious as he steps towards Rachel with open arms. Rachel shrieks and scrambles off the chair to hurry away. Wanting the fun to continue but not wanting Rachel moving too quickly…or too much….Shelby reaches out an arm to slow Kurt down. Kurt doesn't try to evade her. Instead, he starts shaking his head, letting glitter shower down on her. Shelby laughs and leans away.

"Oh, no! Stop! You little rascal!" Shelby is laughing. She tries to keep Kurt at arms length so he can't get too much glitter on her, but still next to her so he's not chasing Rachel. Not that it was necessary. Having found a ready target, Kurt seems content to cover her with any glitter he can shake off of himself. And her daughter didn't get far. Burt caught Rachel when she got around the table and pulled her down onto his lap, both of them laughing at the glitter battle going on across the table from them. Shelby changes tactics and pulls Kurt down onto her lap, grabs the bottle Rachel slides across the table to her, and dumps the rest of the glitter on him. Rachel and Burt's hysterical laughter cheers her on.

Later, Shelby and Rachel helped Kurt clean up the glitter. Trying to get every stubborn bit of glitter up, they swept, vacuumed, and then mopped while Burt moaned about how he'll be finding glitter for months. The kids giggled the whole time. Burt took Kurt out into the garage and had him put on goggles. Then he used the snowblower to blow as much glitter out of his hair and off his skin and clothes as he could. Kurt showered the rest off. All four worked together to make dinner, then enjoyed eating it as the family they are. Leaving wasn't as hard as Shelby had feared. They'd had a fun and relaxing day and she knew Rachel would be taking a nap as soon as she leaves, then watching a holiday movie. Shelby hugged her daughter tight. Rachel kissed her cheek, smiled, and said she'd see her tomorrow.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The drive to Akron is silent. Debra and Christopher are tense. They know why their daughter asked them to visit suddenly. And not just them. Her siblings and their spouses as well. They're all meeting for a late, light meal. Shelby informed them that she and Rachel have their early Christmas Eve dinner with the Hummel's, so she'll only be providing light fare. She'd warned them to eat before they come. Too anxious to remain at home, they'd left early. Better to be in the area early and grab dinner at a restaurant. Kelly and Andy would be joining them. Mark and Amy had already gone to drop the kids off at their other grandparents house, then would be meeting up with them.

Sitting in a diner, they quietly discuss how to handle it. If they're right and Shelby is about to tell them Rachel is in stage 4, do they ask for as much information as possible? Do they stay quiet and just let her share what she's prepared to discuss? Do they encourage her to talk about how she's feeling tonight? They're fairly certain Rachel won't be there, but they're not completely sure. If she is, they won't push her to talk about her feelings. If she's not, that's a different story. They also discuss whether they should insist that they start taking turns staying with Shelby, to help care for Rachel, or simply put the offer out there. They all want to be around more. They told Shelby as much over Thanksgiving.

If they're wrong and Rachel's not in stage 4, then they have no idea what Shelby is about to ask or tell them. Maybe she just needs her family around her for support while she lets herself break down for a night. Maybe she's going to ask them to start helping out more. Maybe she's going to ask if she and Rachel can move home for a while (which Debra would love, which is why she's the one who suggested the possibility, ignoring Kelly and Mark trying to smother their laughter).

No matter what situation they're about to walk into, they all agree on one thing. They will go along with whatever it is Shelby and Rachel need from them. Their only goal is to be a loving support system.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They know they are right the moment Shelby opens her front door. They read it in her eyes. They read it in the tension around her lips. They read it in her posture. But mostly, they hear it in her complete silence as she steps back to allow them entry into her home. Recalling how she didn't even want to be touched when Rachel was on life support, they keep their distance for now. The family settles in the living room, but Shelby still can't bring herself to speak.

Christopher speaks first, keeping his voice soft. "We're here, Shelby."

Tears form in her eyes. "I'm sure you've already guessed why I asked you to come here out of the blue."

"You don't need a reason to ask us to come, Shelly." Debra begins. "But….yes. We're fairly sure we know why. I think you need to say it, though."

Shelby's sigh is long and weary. "Rachel is in stage 4."

Despite having expected it, the news is still a crushing blow. They all take a minute to swallow down their despair. Tonight is about Shelby. They can fall apart later. Once they're as composed as they're going to get, Amy reaches over to grab one of Shelby's hands.

"Is Rachel with the Hummel's tonight?"

"Yes. Burt and Carole wanted to make sure I had tonight to….tell you."

They nod, relieved. As much as they want to see her, it's better this way.

"When did you find out?"

"Yesterday." She proceeds to tell them about waking up to find Rachel struggling to breathe, calling Burt, and the trip to the hospital. "She'd expected it." Her voice breaks at this point in the story. "She's been feeling herself weakening. Tiring. She knew."

Debra places a hand on her daughter's arm. "Shelby…..can you honestly say you were surprised?"

At first, her daughter's eyes flash in anger. Debra fears Shelby is going to snap at her. But just as quickly the anger burns out, replaced with despair. "I didn't want to know." Her face crumbles. "I knew she was getting worse. You saw her on her birthday."

And they had. It still hurts Debra to think about how weak her granddaughter was. Her sixteen year old granddaughter had had to leave her own birthday party early because she was too exhausted to stay.

"Her doctors are pretty sure that she was already stage 4 on her birthday."

Debra closes her eyes. That's what she'd been afraid of. She feels Kelly take her other hand and squeeze it.

"I'm so sorry, Shelby." Mark's eyes are heavy.

"What are they doing different?" Andy questions. "In terms of treatment?"

Shelby looks down, gathering herself. "They'll be increasing the dosage of her medications. The problem is what happened on Saturday."

Debra's heart sinks. "It could happen again?"

"Yeah. They're pretty sure it was a reaction from the increased treatments. And now they're upping her meds, so Rachel will most likely experience more episodes like that."

Christopher releases a sharp breath, his mouth moving in agitation. He shakes his head. "Like she doesn't have enough to deal with?"

"Oh, it gets worse." Shelby says bitterly. "Higher dosage means stronger. Stronger medication means stronger side effects."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." Mark snaps. Her son looks like he could snap someone's neck.

Shelby rubs a hand over her face. "She had her first treatment at the higher dosage yesterday. She started shaking halfway through. She was vomiting, then passed out before the treatment finished."

Debra wants to scream. She's not sure how Shelby hasn't started screaming yet.

"Are they doing anything to help her feel better?" Kelly asks, her tone a mixture of frustration and misery.

Shelby nods slowly and tells them about the box of medications they took home.

"Well, that's something, I guess." Her husband mutters.

After a minute of silence, Debra becomes aware of Shelby's demeanor becoming hesitant once more.

"Shelby?"

Her eyes look tired. "There's more."

Everyone stills, the air becoming tense. Despite being on tenterhooks, they wait silently for her to continue.

"You suspected that Rachel was in stage 4. But….it's worse than that."

Debra blinks. What?

"Wait, what?"

"How can it be worse?"

Shelby slowly raises her head, the action appearing to have required tremendous strength. "She's sort of, potentially, dying."

"Shel," Christopher begins gently, "being in stage 4 doesn't automatically mean she's dying."

"You're right, it doesn't." Her daughter's bitter tone doesn't inspire the comfort Debra expected from that statement. "It's not because she's stage 4. It's because of how her body is weakening. The AA and the treatments have been wearing her body down. Being stage four doesn't help, and in fact makes it harder on her and less likely for her to…survive, but it's not the stage, it's how her body is handling all of it." Shelby straightens and lifts her head. "Besides, it's not definite. Rachel could start getting stronger and start responding to treatment better at any time."

"So what are they doing to make that happen? Just increasing the dosage like you said?" Mark questions.

Shelby nods and rubs her hands along her thighs. "Yeah. There's nothing else they can do right now except go up to three treatments a week. They'll wait a few weeks before deciding if that's needed. It might not be."

Andy coughs awkwardly. "And, um, if she doesn't start getting stronger? Or responding better? How….how long would she have?"

Shelby struggles to keep her face calm. Debra's lips part, though no words emerge. Fear has robbed them from her.

"If that's the case, then Rachel may only have two months left to live."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

All hell had broken loose after that.

Despite her assurance that Rachel could still get better, Shelby broke down upon saying the words. It was probably the first time she had to say them. Mark remained frozen on his seat, a mere witness to the outpouring of grief around him. His wife clutched his hands and cried. His eyes went to his older sisters. Both of them had always seemed so strong and full of confidence. They faced every challenge with their shoulders back and heads high. But right now, they are crushed under the torment of an unfair life. Shelby is being held by both of their parents as she bawls. At least she's crying now. Shaken by the potential timeline, their parents had started demanding more information, completely foregoing their agreement to go at Shelby's pace. When Shelby had broken down, she'd released a howl of anguish that had pierced his heart. Their parents had dropped their questions and just held her. Kelly is being held by her husband in a way Mark hasn't seen her need since her miscarriage years ago. He wants to join his family in their tears. He wants to bellow and smash things, release a mighty yawp to uncork his emotions. He can't. Someone needs to remain at least somewhat calm. He will break at home, though he'll have to do it before he sees his sons again. He's glad he stayed in control when he hears a quiet knock on the front door. No one else appears to have noticed. He quickly kisses Amy's hands and strides out of the room. Cracking open the door, he sees a couple he vaguely recognizes as his sister's neighbors. They look alarmed.

"We….we don't want to disturb you." The man begins at a whisper. "But we were loading our car and heard….."

Mark knows what they probably heard. He steps out onto the porch with them. "Yeah."

"Is everything okay?" The woman asks, though its obvious everything is not. She's merely being polite.

Mark doesn't know them. However, he knows that Shelby has spoken of them fondly. He knows they're aware of Shelby's history with Rachel, as well as Rachel's condition. Hoping his sister is okay with him sharing this information with her neighbors, he tries to explain as simply and gently as he can.

"Yesterday, Shelby found out that Rachel is now in stage 4." The man sags while his wife's hand flies up to her mouth in horror. "It….it looks like…..she may not have much longer."

They take a moment to absorb this difficult news. "What do you all need?"

This is why Shelby speaks of them with such fondness. Johnson. The Johnson's. That's their name. "Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I appreciate it and I know Shelby will as well. But for now…..it's still too fresh. Shelby just needs a day or two to…." He looks back at the house as though he can see through the door. "….to face it. Right now, she needs to let it all out while Rachel's not around to hear her. Tomorrow, she will be in a better place to help Rachel face it." He's sure of it.

They nod solemnly. "Will you be staying with her for long?"

He runs a hand through his short dark hair. "I don't know. We'll stay the night, at least. After that…." He lifts an empty hand as if to display his lack of knowledge.

"We'll let you get back inside, we just….wanted to check in."

He shakes hands with them. "It's very kind of you. I'm sure Shelby will reach out when she's ready."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby is exhausted and desperately wants to hug her daughter. She settles for rewatching the video Burt had sent a few minutes ago. Kurt and Rachel are doing a puzzle on the coffee table in front of the fireplace. Burt teases them for acting like little children because they keep arguing over the best way to complete the puzzle, going so far as to throw puzzle pieces at each other and hurl childish insults. The sight of the kids in matching flannel pajamas and tousled hair, putting together a jigsaw puzzle while arguing playfully and giggling has done wonders to ease the ache in her chest. Seeing the hint of glitter in Kurt's hair makes her chuckle. Her lips curl up as she watches it for the fourth time.

Once her tears had run dry and everyone had calmed down, she'd been able to give her family more details. She's gone over everything the doctors had told them. If things stay as they are, Rachel has two to three months left. If things get worse, she has less time left. If her body begins responding to the treatment better, she'll have more time. If her body starts getting stronger, she'll no longer be considered "dying". There is a chance she will die. There is a chance she will go into remission. There is a chance she will remain as is for a while. Regardless of the different possibilities, the one definitive point is that Rachel will have at least a month of feeling worse. For at least a month she will require the higher dose of meds resulting in worse side effects. For at least a month she will continue to feel exhausted and weak. When her father had asked about hospice, Shelby explained that its not necessary. Rachel is not terminal. And regardless of what stage she's in, she could start getting stronger at any time. That's why the doctors said she's only "technically" dying. Kelly pointed out that he probably only said that for liability reasons. If he didn't admit that Rachel could die, especially since they could predict a potential timeframe based on how things have been going, Shelby could claim they weren't informed. Shelby conceded that that was possible.

It is going to be hell on all of them, but especially Rachel. They discussed what they can do to help Rachel feel better. How to keep her calm and happy. They questioned Shelby about what they can do to help her; with taking care of Rachel and taking care of herself. She insisted that her bout of hysterical tears earlier that evening was enough to help her feel like she's steady on her feet once again. She already feels steadier than she had that morning. Her family shook their heads. It's not enough. Not only do they want to do more, but they also pointed out that she will need more than one night of intense crying. She'll need other times to release her emotions safely. Her father offered to help her with the paperwork for FMLA. She'll be taking off of work until….until Rachel is better. Her plan is to stay home the entire time that Rachel is in stage 4.

She was relieved when Rachel called her before going to bed. They only spoke for a few minutes, but it was enough to settle the mother's nerves. For the rest of the night her family alternated between more casual topics, talking more in depth about stage 4 and what to expect, sharing their feelings on the matter, and coming up with plans for various potential scenarios. They agreed to head home the next day, but only after they get to visit with Rachel. They remind her she can ask any or all of them to stay longer at any time. Or to come back at any time.

They forced Shelby to take a sedative. Kelly had crawled into bed with her and the sisters had cried themselves to sleep. In the morning, they had a nice breakfast and joked about a Jewish family having a family gathering on Christmas morning. No one talked about why none of the kids were there, though every parent made an excuse to step away to call their children. They were disappointed to discover that the Rage Room they'd wanted to go to was closed, and even more so when they realized that most places would be closed on this day. What they did find, however, was a small junkyard owned by an old Jewish man. After asking if they could smash some trash, the man was a tad confused. Shelby watched her brother in law pull the man aside and explain quietly. The old man's eyes jumped to Shelby sympathetically.

"So the Rage Room was closed, huh? Well, I think I've got some stuff that could do with some smashing. Just give me a minute." He walked off to check his yard.

Shelby huffs, stuffing her hands in her coat pockets. "This is stupid. I was already hesitant about going to the Rage Room. But asking a nice old man if we can smash his trash is just overkill."

"Well I don't know about you, but I'd like to release my anger at the situation violently, but safely." Andy argues, his tone playful despite meaning his words.

"You don't have to do it today. I'm sure you have Rage Rooms or similar things by you."

"Sure, but it's technically a holiday." Mark comes to Andy's defense. "Not our holiday, but still."

"I'll be heading to the Hummel's in a little while." Shelby checks her phone for the umpteenth time.

"We know, Shel. We won't spend long here." Amy reassures her.

The old man reappears. "Alright, folks. You had an interesting request and I think I can accommodate it to an extent. I've got a small section of stuff you can destroy. I've got a few tools to smash with, too. A sledgehammer, a crowbar, and a regular hammer."

He leads them to it. He wasn't lying. It's a small section. He seems truly apologetic that he can't allow them to smash more things. Shelby shakes her head and forces herself to smile.

"Thank you."

He nods hesitantly and leaves them be. The family shrugs and Andy picks up the crowbar. He hands it out towards Shelby.

"Shel?"

She stares at it. "If today is supposed to be fun, this isn't my cup of tea. If this is supposed to be cathartic, I'm just not in the mood. You guys do this, though. I'll watch."

She feels bad, but they demanded complete honesty from here on out. They insisted she be selfish and demand what she wants and needs to help herself and her daughter get through this. She'd smirked and teased them that they may come to regret that.

Her mother watches her knowingly. "You'd rather sing."

Shelby is startled. She hadn't even been thinking about it, but…..yes. Like her daughter, she has always used singing as a way to deal with emotions. Hesitantly, she nods.

"Alright," Her mom declares decisively, "the men folk will stay here and…..smash. Go all caveman. We women will take a less primitive route to emotional stability."

Agreed, they split up. They'd conveniently come in two cars, so the women leave in one. Shelby still has a key to Carmel High and the auditorium, so it's just a short drive and they're there. Shelby finds herself a little embarrassed and wonders if they'd be offended if she asked them to leave. Sure, singing is a great way to vent and cope, but with an audience it's different. She, like Rachel, bares her soul when singing. She shrugs it off. They're family. The only argument that breaks out is when they try to get her to hand over her phone so that she can focus on singing. She refuses. If anything happens with Rachel, the call will come on her phone. If Rachel wants her or needs her, she will call her phone. So no, she will not hand it over for anyone or anything. She stands on the stage under a single spotlight. Many potential songs run through her mind. Shelby connects her phone to the speakers and selects the first song that comes to mind.

"525,600 minutes
525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?"

She wipes her tears away with a shaking hand as the music fades. One year. Well, 13 months. She has had her daughter in her life for 13 months and could lose her in two. Her family starts to stand to join her on stage, but she waves them back down. If they hug her now, she'll break again. She can't let herself fully break down today. She's supposed to head to the Hummel's in a little bit.

"You have time, Shelby. Sing another." Her mother calls up to her.

She laughs slightly and nods. "Okay. This song is supposed to be a romantic love song. However, if you get that out of your mind and think about a parent's love for their child, it works. Some of the lyrics work really well for Rachel and I right now."

She decides to change a few words to make it fit her needs a bit better.

"I can feel you breathe
Hear your heartbeat, I love the sound
I'm hearing it loud
I don't wanna sleep
If I'm dreaming, I'm missing out

Found the piece, the missing part
Found the child to heal these broken bones
You're the key to start my heart
It's beating out so everybody knows

Let me hold my child
Holding you I can't feel the rain, can't feel the pain
Make what's left alright
Take what's broken and build it again

Found the piece, the missing part
Found the child to heal these broken bones
You're the key to start my heart
It's beating out so everybody knows

Be the light that you are
Shine like fire in my heart
Hold me tight in the dark
Oh my God, I can't lose you

Be the light that you are
Shine like a fire in my heart
Hold me tight in the dark
Oh my God, I can't lose you

Be the light that you are
Burn like fire in my heart
Hold me tight in the dark
Oh my God, I can't lose you

Found the piece, the missing part
Found the child to heal these broken bones
You're the key to start my heart
It's beating out so everybody knows"

This time she doesn't stop them from coming up on the stage to hug her. They hold her as she cries yet again. She hadn't wanted to break down again, but she supposes it's better to do it now, in the beginning, and away from Rachel.

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Shelby feels better. After fully breaking down last night, getting a good night's sleep, and singing out her feelings today, she feels stronger. More settled. But what finally brings her peace is having her daughter in her arms again. They've only been apart for a day, but it was too long from her perspective. Burt hadn't even stopped her to say hello. He'd just smiled knowingly and jerked his head in the direction of her daughter. Rachel had been walking out of the kitchen, so Shelby simply walked into her, hugging her. Rachel had laughed and hugged her back.

It's not enough. She won't be okay or anywhere near good until Rachel's body starts responding to the treatment better, or at least starts getting stronger. But it's enough for now. It's enough to get by in the meantime. Instead of feeling like she is on a broken rowboat in a fierce storm in the middle of the ocean, she now feels like she's standing on a battleship. Better equipped to face the war ahead and with an army of support around her.

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Rachel fiddles with the zipper of her coat. Her mom grabs her hand and squeezes, giving her a small smile.

"It may be awkward and upsetting, but they really need to see you and hug you before heading home."

"I'm happy to see them and hug them, Mom. I just…..it'll be….."

"It'll be sad. And possibly a little uncomfortable. Just remember that they only found out last night and haven't seen you yet. They're calmer now, and certainly calmer than the rest of us had been on Thursday." Her mom glances at her when they come to a red light. "Look, if you're truly uncomfortable seeing them right now, tell me. I can text them and ask them to leave before we get there."

Rachel sighs. That's not what she wants. She's just not sure she's going to be comfortable being hugged and cried over right now. She's not sure she wants to deal with the looks she's sure she'll get. The same ones her "core" family gave her throughout the day and night on Thursday. But then she acknowledges that she's just going to have to deal with it. Chances are, everyone who finds out is going to give her those looks at first.

"No, don't send them away."

Her mom purses her lips. "Okay, but you still don't seem ready for this. Do you want me to ask them to not talk to you about it?"

Rachel thinks about it. "Maybe just…tell them to not ask me anything."

Her mother is quiet for a minute. Rachel's brow furrows as her mom pulls into a Dunkin Donuts and parks. "Are we stopping for doughnuts? Or coffee?"

Her mom turns to her and takes both of her hands. "You don't want to be asked anything?" Not sure what this is about, Rachel shakes her head. Her mother sighs and starts rubbing her thumbs over the backs of Rachel's hands. "Rachel…what I'm really hearing you say is that you're not ready to face how you're feeling."

"I'm not." She mumbles. No point denying it.

Her mom raises her hands to her lips and kisses them. "Okay. I'll tell them no questions. After they leave, though, I will help you face this. I'm not going to let you ignore it or push it down."

She nods. She'd figured as much. "As long as we're here…."

Her mom smiles. When they get home, they're carrying a big container of coffee and a dozen doughnuts. Conveniently, it means they can't hug her the moment she walks through the door. Not that it delays them for long. Uncle Mark took the box from her so that Nana could pull her into a hug. She pretends not to feel the tears dripping into her hair. It makes her wonder, though. If they're this upset after only knowing her a year, would they be more upset if they'd known her her entire life? Or the same? Does time make a difference? She shakes the thought away as she's pulled into another hug.

They enjoy the coffee (her mom let her have half a cup) and doughnuts while listening to her chat about what she'd done at the Hummel's. They share stories of little things that have happened since they last saw her on her birthday. They kindly don't mention how her birthday ended. When it is time for them to leave, they become hesitant. Her mom lovingly pushes them out the door, reminding her siblings that they have their own children to get home to. With a final hug, they depart. Her grandparents don't. They calmly ignore her mother's looks, making Rachel hide a grin. Eventually, Nana stands and takes Rachel's hand.

"Shelby, I am going to go upstairs with Rachel and speak to her alone. You will stay down here with your father." Her tone is no nonsense.

Despite her grandmother's commanding tone, Rachel is grateful that her mom still looks to her with eyebrow raised, making sure she's willing to go. She nods slightly. She tries not to be embarrassed or disheartened when her legs begin to shake as they near the top of the stairs. Nana wraps an arm around her waist to support her. Thankfully she doesn't comment. Once they're in her room, her grandmother sits them on the bed.

"I know you don't want to be asked any questions or talk about it. We all understand that, sweet pea."

"But?"

Nana smiles sadly. "But, I do need you to at least listen."

Nervously, she nods. "Okay."

"We understand that you have plenty of friends, and even family, around you here. It makes us happy to know. We also know that we probably aren't the first people you'd call if you needed or wanted anything. That's fine. However, we need you to understand something with complete certainty." Nana waits until Rachel meets her eyes. "We want you to call us. For any reason at all, at any time at all. An hour drive means absolutely nothing to us. It's not a bother or a hindrance. So whether you just want to talk or would like us to come visit, we will very happily do so at the drop of a hat. No matter how last minute or sudden the request is. Your grandfather once left work without giving them any notice because Abby had been in a minor car accident and was afraid to call her parents to tell them. She wasn't hurt, thank God, but she had been texting while driving and hit a pole in a parking lot. She knew she was going to get in a lot of trouble with her parents, but she was also very shaken and upset. She knew she could reach out to us. I had been out to lunch with a friend and missed the call, so she'd called Grandpa next. He had dropped everything, walking out of work to drive almost an hour to her university to comfort and support her."

Her grandmother takes a moment to let this sink in before going on.

"We love you just as much as we love Abby, Tyler, Dylan, and Oliver. Time means nothing to the heart." Her grandmother had just unknowingly answered a question for her. She smiles. "If you can't sleep and don't feel like waking your mother, though you really should, we want you to call one of us. If your mother is getting on your nerves and you need a break from her, call us. If you have any questions about absolutely anything, big or small, call and ask. If you need anything. Anything at all. Tell us. If you want something, just ask and we'll do whatever we can. If you think your mother wants or needs something, call us. The point is, we want to be here. Whether that is making the drive and staying here or just chatting on the phone. It doesn't matter if you're angry, sad, scared, panicking, uncertain, confused, or even just bored. We want to hear it. It'll make us happy."

"Okay."

Nana holds her hand. "Please don't just say that to appease me. Please mean it."

Rachel grins. "I do." She thinks.

"Good." Nana smirks at her before sobering. "It's going to get worse before it gets better. We will be around more often. I'm just making sure you know that we want you to reach out. We'll be here."

She likes her grandmother's certainty that she'll get better. She smiles and hugs her. "I love you, Nana."

"I love you, Rachel. Always." She pulls back, smiling softly. "Now, before I leave, is there anything you want to talk about?"

A question instantly comes to mind. "Is Mom okay?"

Her grandmother's face fills with sympathy and understanding. She brushes Rachel's cheek with the back of her hand. "You're such a sweet girl." Nana sighs. "Your mom is better now that she has taken the time to address her feelings. She's fine. And if she's ever not fine, that's okay. Parents need to cry and vent as well. While it's healthy, and even expected, if that happens, I'd like you to call or text us. Or any of your aunts or uncles. Even if we end up not needing to come here, we can at least call her and talk. You don't have to worry about her, Rachel. Just focus on yourself and let the rest of us take care of you and your mom."

A weight she hadn't realized she'd been carrying has been lifted from her. Nana kisses her forehead. "Everything will be okay, Rachel."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: The second song Shelby sings is "Everybody Knows" by Idina Menzel. I did change a few of the words.