Chapter 15: Bonds

The next day Rachel convinces Shelby to drive them to the park a few blocks away. It's cold, but not too cold. They walk and talk….mostly about musicals. It's a nice, relaxed afternoon. At home Rachel teaches her a card game. Rachel laugh and teases her for losing so poorly. Shelby playfully argues that Rachel is changing the rules to make herself win. With a completely innocent smile Rachel denies it and just says Shelby is being a sore loser. After a couple rounds of this, Shelby is quite certain she is right and Rachel is changing the rules as she goes. So she starts cheating to level the playing field. When Rachel catches her, she giggles while complaining and tackles Shelby. Laughing, Shelby catches her daughter and tickles her until Rachel admits to changing the rules.

It was fun, but the afternoon activities were enough to wear Rachel out. When her eyes begin drooping, Shelby convinces her to put on a movie. Mother and daughter curl up on the couch to watch it together. Rachel is asleep not even half way through. While she's napping, Shelby quietly pads up to her room and shuts the door. There's something she has to do that she is dreading. But she really can't put it off any more. She lifts the phone to her ear.

"Hello, Leroy."

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Monday after Christmas Rachel had an "emergency" appointment with her therapist, Renee. She's not particularly fond of going to these appointments, but she can't deny that she often feels better when she leaves. She'd been surprised to discover that her mom hadn't told Renee why she needed the appointment. Apparently, part of her therapy was saying the words. Even though she had known she was getting worse and suspected she was stage 4, she hadn't said anything. Saying it, facing it, made it real. Stuttering, stammering, her voice coming out choked, she told Renee everything. Almost everything. One little, tiny thing stayed locked inside the dark crevices of her heart. That tiny little monster will never see the light of day. It shares a hole with another tiny monster of a different sort. Both little monsters are hers to keep hidden and guarded, not to be unleashed on the world.

She had a mild attack and a nosebleed and got dizzy, all during her one hour session. It added to her frustration and misery. Renee capitalized on it, getting her to open up and vent about it. A unique feature of Renee's office is a small closet that was built with soundproof materials. It's not 100% soundproof, but it means someone could stand inside and scream. In the office, it would be heard, but muffled. Outside of the office, in the waiting room, no one would hear a thing. For the first time since starting therapy, Rachel took advantage of this feature. She sat cross legged in the closet. Renee, knowing Rachel can't be left completely alone, sat outside the closet listening carefully. She started slow, partially because she didn't want to risk causing damage to her vocal chords and partially because she needed a few minutes to give herself permission to really feel the pain deeply enough to be able to scream. She sat with her head in her hands taking deep breaths. She began with a low hum, feeling awkward. But as she allowed herself to forget about Renee being able to hear her, she got louder and louder. Once she hit her peak, she slumped against the wall and wailed. Renee let her go for a few minutes before she opened the door. By then, her cries were dying down as she became breathless. The woman gently grasped her arms and helped her stand. The tiny room swam. She tried to take a step but her leg merely shook. Renee stepped closer, getting Rachel to lean on her and waited patiently until Rachel was steady on her feet, then walked her to the couch.

Renee called her mother in at the end. Leaning tiredly against her mom, she listened to Renee review some healthy coping strategies that wouldn't be physically demanding. She also brought up common feelings and reactions people frequently experience when they're potentially facing the end of their life, or even just dealing with not being able to do very much physically, due to an illness. She wanted them to be prepared for the possibilities, reiterating that whether Rachel experiences some of them, all of them, or even none of them, it's okay.

"There's no right or wrong way to feel. But there are right and wrong ways to handle those feelings." She'd explained gently.

On the drive home Rachel felt better, and yet not. She was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She felt calm, but also empty. She felt more settled, but still felt like there was something she was either missing or supposed to be doing. She tapped her fingers on the armrest, watching scenery fly by.

"Prepare for the possibilities." Rachel mumbles quietly. She's aware her tone is coming across more bitter than she'd intended. "I'm tired of being told to prepare for all these possibilities." Her mother eyes her warily. Rachel continues to grumble. "Just once I'd like the possibilities I need to prepare for to involve rainbows and puppies."

Her mom guffaws, lips pulling up into a smile. "Same."

By the time they get home, severe fatigue has set in. Rachel is so tired she can barely see straight. She fumbles with the seatbelt. Warm hands gently take hers, pulling them aside and her seatbelt is removed. She leans towards the door, but doesn't have the energy to pull herself from the car. Her mom pulls her legs out first, turning her body sideways on the seat.

"Put your arms around my shoulders." Her mom says softly.

She does. Her mom's arms wrap firmly around her and lift. Her feet touch the ground and she thankfully manages to stay upright. She wants nothing more than to lie down and sleep. She wouldn't even mind lying down here, in the garage. Her mom encourages her to take a few steps, still leaning heavily on her. They get far enough from the car that her mom can shut the door. The resulting bang sounds oddly muffled to Rachel. She realizes what it means and does her best to give her mom a heads up.

"I'm…gonna…"

"It's alright. I've got you."

There's a swooping sensation and everything goes black.

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Feeling her daughter become deadweight in her arms, she slowly lowers them to the ground. Her heart is pounding painfully in her chest. She quickly checks her pulse and breathing. Both steady. It was just a fainting spell. She thinks carefully back over the lessons Scott had given her specifically in how to safely lift an unconscious person. Doing her best to follow his guidance, she stands. Now she's back to the same position she'd been in right before Rachel fainted, with her daughter leaning against her front, but now bonelessly, making it harder to keep her up. With careful movements she bends enough to get an arm under Rachel's knees, and lifts. She's forced to take step forward and press her daughter against the side of the car to keep them both up.

"Shit."

She looks to the door leading to the house. It's only a few steps away, but she'll have to go around the front of the car and up three steps. Scott had told her she's not ready for stairs. They'd practiced lifts and holds that would allow Shelby to get Rachel to a nearby bed or chair. She is strong enough now and she knows she'd be able to do it. In fact, she has done it a couple times. But she is not able to carry her daughter around a car, up three steps, through a doorway, through the mud room, and to a chair. And from there the closest chair would be a kitchen chair. She can't put her unconscious child in a kitchen chair.

"I'm sorry, baby girl."

Gently, she sets her back down on the ground. She hesitates, unsure if she should lean her against the car or lay her down. Worried that Rachel may fall over when she steps away, she decides to lay her on the garage floor. First she takes off her own coat and creates a pillow, then she lowers her daughter down. She pulls out her phone. While it rings, she runs her fingers through Rachel's hair.

"Hello?"

"Sydney? It's Shelby."

"Hi, are you okay?"

She realizes she sounds rushed. "Um, not great. Is Tyrone home, by any chance?"

"He is. Do you need me to send him over?"

"Please. Can he come to my garage? And…can he hurry?"

There's a brief, muffled conversation.

"He's on his way. What's wrong?"

Looking towards their house, she can already see Tyrone jogging out of his own garage and towards them. He didn't even stop to put on a coat. "I just got Rachel home and she fainted before I could get her inside. I can carry her short distances now, but not all the way inside the house from here."

"Of course. Tyrone should be there any minute. He'll be able to carry her for you."

"Yes, he's here now. Thank you so much, Sydney."

"Any time, Shelby. Really."

They hang up as Tyrone kneels next to her, frowning down at Rachel.

"Would you like me to carry her inside?"

"Please."

He lifts her easily, taking care to make sure her head rests securely against his shoulder before following Shelby into the house. He lays her on the couch and steps back. Shelby makes quick work of her boots and unzipping her coat. She slides a hand behind her head and pulls her into a sitting position. Tyrone gently removes the coat and lays it on the chair. The movements had pulled Rachel's shirt enough that part of her chest port is visible. Seeing it makes Tyrone freeze for a moment then look away, eyes on the ceiling. Shelby lays Rachel back down and covers her with a blanket. Now that Rachel is taken care of, she turns to Tyrone. He is staring at Rachel with a deep frown.

"Thank you, Tyrone. You have no idea."

"I think I do." He responds quietly. "Shelby…..you're here alone with her. Stan is kind, but old. I know I'm the nearest person who can carry her. I can get over here the fastest."

An uncomfortable warmth flushes over her. She's not sure if he's implying he doesn't like feeling like he has to be available to come running over to carry her or if he's just trying to say he understands how grateful she is.

"I—"

He holds up a hand. "I am more than happy to come over and carry her whenever you need me to." His voice and eyes are gentle. Shelby's throat tightens. "Seriously. And if I'm not home, Syd or Max can help. They can't lift her, but they can help you do a two person lift. But…." He rubs a hand down his face. "…..have you considered asking a relative to stay with you? To help with situations like this?"

Shelby wrings her hands and swallows. "Yes. Just the other day my family came and we talked about it." He waits. She takes a breath. "Rachel is stage 4." His eyes darken. "She's…..getting worse. I asked my family to come over on the 24th so that I could tell them. They brought up the idea of taking turns staying here, so that there's always at least one of them with us."

"And?" He keeps his voice low.

"And we're working out a schedule. They need to look over work schedules, and their kids schedules, and their personal schedules. But they're coordinating it. I don't know when we'll implement it. In the meantime….." She shakes her head and starts again. "We just found out a few days ago. I don't think Rachel is quite ready to acknowledge that she needs that level of care. So in the meantime, Burt and his family offered to be around more. She hasn't told her friends yet. They're meeting up on Wednesday. Once they all know, I'm sure I'll have a constant stream of teenagers over here." She chuckles. So does he. "At least while winter break is in session."

"Right. School. Are you going back to work in January?" His tone implies he's sure of the answer.

"Hell no. I'm taking off. I will be here with her every day while she is in stage 4. When she's better, I'll return to work."

He looks like he's swallowing down a comment. She's glad. Instead, he nods. "Alright. Well, let us know if you guys need anything. Last year when you told us she was stage 1, we offered to do grocery shopping and take out trash and stuff. That offer still stands."

"Thank you. I may take you up on that."

They look down when Rachel groans. Shelby rubs her arm softly.

"Rach?"

She doesn't respond for a moment, but her breathing gets heavier and her face scrunches slightly.

"Rachel?"

"Head." The girl curls up into fetal position and lays an arm over her head, covering her eyes.

Shelby frowns. "It hurts?"

"M-hm."

"Alright," she lowers her voice, "I'll get your medicine."

Tyrone sits on the edge of the loveseat and nods, silently telling her he'll stay with Rachel. She quickly grabs the new pain medication from upstairs. She wonders if she should start keeping this medicine downstairs. As she passes the living room on her way to grab a water bottle, she hears Rachel moan. Glancing in, she sees Rachel has curled up tighter. Tyrone is leaning forward, letting her squeeze his hand. She moves faster. She sits Rachel up, letting her slump against her. Tyrone takes out a pill for her and opens the water bottle. Rachel swallows it down, never opening her eyes. Shelby leans them back and wraps her own hand over Rachel's eyes, helping block out the light. Tyrone closes the blinds, then makes sure her phone is within reach.

"Do you need anything else?" He whispers.

Trying not to cry from gratitude, she shakes her head. "No, but thank you."

He nods, and with a final glance at Rachel, heads home.

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Rachel spends the rest of the day sleeping on and off on the couch. Finn and Kurt were supposed to come over, but Shelby asked them not to. While the medicine seems to be working, she doesn't want to risk anything making Rachel's head hurt worse. The boys do their own things, but Shelby knows it's hard for them. If they can't be with Rachel, they want to be with their other friends. However, their friends don't know about the newest change yet. They don't trust themselves to not slip up, so they stay home. Finn distracted himself with his video games. Kurt took the time to explore the newest fashion trends online.

They did join her and Shelby for Tuesday's treatment. It was just as bad as Thursday's, but different. She didn't throw up, but she was shaking again. By the time it was over, she was too dizzy to even sit up. For a few minutes, they thought she was going to cry. They wouldn't have blamed her. But when she'd opened her eyes, they'd been dry. She'd mumbled to Nurse Karen that she should charge admission. The confused nurse had laughed when she caught on.

"Feeling like you're on a roller coaster?"

"Not a fun one. Want my money back."

They'd chuckled. The clinic doesn't allow patients to be carried in or out. If a patient can't walk, they're put in a wheelchair. Rachel was not thrilled with that. Kurt had told her not to let Artie hear her complaints. She'd grinned guiltily, acknowledging his point. They'd pushed the wheelchair to the curb, where Shelby had pulled up. The nurses helped her into the car. The boys followed them home in Kurt's car so that Finn could carry her inside. He'd carried her straight to bed. Kurt laid down with her for a few minutes and ended up falling asleep, so Finn drove his car home. When Kurt awoke in the night, it was to Shelby kissing his cheek. His arms were still around Rachel. He focused for a moment, making sure he could feel her breathing steadily, then allowed himself to fall back asleep.

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She had a moderate attack during the night. His arms were still around her. He felt her tense up and her breathing become ragged gasps. Kurt's mind flashed to sitting on the stage with her in his lap, her body going limp. He forcefully shoves the memories away and focuses on the present.

"Aunt Shelby!" He yells.

She comes running in, eyes full of fear. A severe attack could kill her. Oh shit. How could he have forgotten? She grabs the oxygen and places the nasal cannula on her. Kurt whispers into Rachel's ear, doing his best to stay calm and encourage her to breathe. She grips his arms hard enough to hurt. He doesn't care. After a minute of her going rigid and taking raspy, shallow breaths, he and Aunt Shelby conclude that it's a moderate. Some of their stress eases. Some.

"Hhmmmm." Rachel moans, jaw clenched.

Aunt Shelby places her hands over her daughter's and kisses her head. "You're alright. You're okay. Just breathe, baby girl. Keep breathing."

Her eyes move to the clock on the nightstand. He'd forgotten to time it! Why is he forgetting these important things? He mentally berates himself. Rachel's grip loosens. Her breaths come easier. Fuller. Aunt Shelby releases a long breath and her shoulders sag. She kisses Rachel's forehead firmly and strokes her cheek.

"You alright?"

"Yeah."

"Are you?"

Kurt's eyes jump to Aunt Shelby's, surprised to realize she's asking him. Her expression is kind. And knowing. He blinks away tears and nods. She kisses his forehead firmly, making a few tears leak out. He has no words to express how relieved he is that Rachel's mom is as wonderful and loving as she is. For Rachel and for him. He accepted her as family fairly quickly, though it had mostly been for Rachel's sake. Now, though, she simply is family.

"Alright, you two go back to sleep." She adjusts the blankets over them, then looks at Kurt reassuringly. "I'll stay awake for a while longer and keep an eye on her."

He relaxes and nods. Aunt Shelby will make sure she keeps breathing normally. And watch to see if she gets a second attack. Rachel rolls over so that she can put her head on his chest and toss a leg over his.

"What if I don't want you on top of me?" He asks, his tone playful. They both know he takes comfort in her weight pressing down on him like this. Besides, he's already wrapping his arms around her to keep her in place.

"Deal." She mutters, keeping her eyes closed but grinning.

"Deal, she says, Aunt Shelby." Mock rage. "Just deal with it. The audacity of this girl."

Aunt Shelby laughs softly, pulling the desk chair over to the bed. "Would you two just go to sleep, already?"

Kurt closes his eyes. He is on the brink of sleep within minutes. That comfortable place where you know you're about to fall asleep but also know you're still awake. He wonders if there's a name for it. Probably.

Rachel gasps.

His eyes snap open. Her fingers make a fist in his shirt. She presses her face further into his chest. Her body tenses. Aunt Shelby is already leaning over them, her hands on Rachel's back.

"Rachel?" One word, but the tone carries a deep fear.

"Hmm." She moans, but then sucks in a breath.

Aunt Shelby tries to roll her off of him, but Rachel won't have it. She holds onto Kurt tighter. His aunt gives in and simply rubs her back. Kurt just keeps holding her. The problem with this position is he can't really look down at her face. He can move his head and take brief glances, but it's too uncomfortable to maintain. Her face is pinched, but not too badly.

"Mild?" He asks.

She nods. For a moment, her breathing stutters to a stop. He and his aunt freeze as well, terror welling up inside of them.

"Rach—" Aunt Shelby's voice wavers.

And then she breathes, taking in a deep breath despite her pained expression. Keeping her face pressed against his chest, she slowly releases the breath. He realizes it's a very controlled release. He looks at his aunt, shocked. She looks surprised as well, then the worry slides off of her face and she smiles softly.

"Breathing strategies?"

Rachel nods. She does it again; purposely not breathing for a few seconds, then taking in a long, controlled breath, and releasing it slowly. By the time she finished, her body relaxed.

"Is it over?"

Again, she nods. Aunt Shelby kisses her temple. His aunt looks relieved, but exhausted. He imagines he does, too, because she smiles warmly at him and reaches over to run her fingers through his hair soothingly. She continues to do that with one hand, and rub Rachel's back with the other.

"Close your eyes. Both of you." Her voice is soft.

Once they do, she beings humming. Kurt lets her voice wash over him. He can feel Rachel relaxing as well. He falls asleep feeling his sister breathing steadily and hearing his aunt's comforting humming.

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When Kurt wakes in the morning, Rachel is curled against his side. Aunt Shelby is back in the desk chair, but her top half is lying on the bed with her hand on her daughter's back. Both are asleep. Seeing that Aunt Shelby's face is nearly as pale as Rachel's, he wonders how she's coping. Over the past couple days, he has broken down several times. One of those times was with Finn. The bigger boy had picked up a pillow and hit him. Kurt had been appalled at first, but then his almost stepbrother had tossed the pillow to him.

"Wail on me."

And he did. He swung and swung as hard as he could until he was too tired to keep going and his face was wet. Then he'd thrown the pillow on the ground and screamed.

"Better?"

Chest heaving, he'd nodded. "Better. Thanks."

Rachel told him about her breakdown with her therapist. He was relieved and told her as much. He also told her to not forget she could call him. His dad had taken Finn to the Rage Room on Sunday. Apparently, it had really helped both of them. Half sheepish and half proud, Finn had admitted that he'd broken the bat. He'd heard Carole crying in his Dad's arms. And of course he knows that Aunt Shelby cried it out with her family on Christmas Eve. So everyone who already knows has had a chance to vent and release some of their pent up emotion. Hopefully that'll help them today, when Rachel tells the rest of the group.

The plan is for the kids to all meet up at the Hummel-Hudson house. Unknown to the rest of the Gleeks, Rachel will be telling them the bad news. The other part of the plan, which again the rest of the kids don't know, is the parents of the gleeks (and the coaches) will be meeting up at Aunt Shelby's house. There, she will be informing them. But considering the set up, he's pretty sure the adults already suspect it. So by tonight everyone will know.

He realizes what woke him when he hears a soft buzzing. His phone, sitting on the nightstand, is vibrating to alert a new text message. Aunt Shelby was kind enough to plug it in for him after he fell asleep. Careful not to disturb the two ladies on the bed with him, a situation he never thought he'd have to deal with, he reaches for it. As expected, his Dad is checking in. Kurt sends a brief response, letting him know what happened during the night. He's a little surprised when his dad suggests he go back to sleep as well. Shrugging it off, he decides to heed his father's advice. He's on break, after all.

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Shelby wakes to the smells of a delicious breakfast wafting up the stairs. She blinks the sleep from her eyes and sits up. Her back is sore from sleeping hunched over. After stretching out her back she leans forward again, brushing back Rachel's hair from her face. She'd rolled over at some point and is facing her. Someone had removed the nasal cannula and turned off the oxygen, putting it back in its spot. Rachel is breathing easily and seems to be resting peacefully. She kisses her cheek. She moves to the next child in the bed. Kurt is still asleep as well, an arm tossed over Rachel. She kisses his cheek. Hearing voices from below reminds her that people are over. And she doesn't know who. She's not worried in the slightest. Whoever is over is obviously family. She's putting her money on the Hummel-Hudson clan.

She walks into the kitchen a few minutes later, dressed very casually and her hair in a ponytail. She smiles at Carole as the woman hands her a cup of coffee. Behind her, Burt is flipping pancakes. Finn is setting the table.

"Thank you."

Carole hugs her. "I hope it's okay. I know Burt has a key, but entering your house while you're still sleeping and beginning to cook could be seen as—"

"—as family taking care of each other." Shelby finishes for her. "I'm glad you guys feel comfortable enough to come over like this." She sips the coffee with an appreciative groan. "And I'll never complain about not having to cook."

"I messaged Kurt this morning," Burt explains "and he told me a little about last night. It was early, so I told him to go back to sleep. I'm glad he did."

Shelby's smile slips. She takes a seat at the table. "I'm really glad Kurt was here. If he wasn't, I would have been in the bed with her, so she wouldn't have been alone. But still. He held her through both attacks. He teased her after the moderate and even got her to smile."

"We kind of figured you three would either sleep in or be very tired this morning. And with a big day ahead, we thought starting with a good breakfast would be helpful." Finn says, smiling charmingly.

"You think anything with food is helpful." His mother remarks, smiling. He shrugs. Carole turns to Shelby. "When we got here, I had the men start the food while I went up to check on you three."

It's a minor thing, but Shelby appreciates knowing it wasn't Burt, or worse, Finn, who saw her asleep and in her nightgown. Not covered by a blanket or sheet. "Thank you."

Since it's now just the kids upstairs, Finn goes up to see if either are awake. They had realized that even if Kurt was awake, he probably wouldn't come down. No one is comfortable leaving Rachel alone, even for a few minutes. Sure enough, not long after Finn went up, Kurt came down. His hair is bedraggled, his face creased with lines, and still wearing the same, now very wrinkled, clothes from yesterday. He's dragging a hand along the wall, seeming to be sleep walking. He looks adorable. Shelby can't help it. She smirks at him.

"Morning, baby boy. You awake?"

He grunts in response and takes the seat next to her, resting his head on the table. After a moment he sits up, propping his head up on his hand. "Aunt Shelby, I've decided that you need to record yourself humming."

"Why?" She sips her coffee.

"It's so soothing! I bet you could sell it on iTunes as a lullaby or something. Knock people out. At least record it for me, for when I can't sleep. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in under a minute after you started humming."

She chuckles and tousles his hair. "I'll see what I can do."

"Rachel's still asleep?" Burt asks. He's looking between her and Kurt with a soft look that she can't quite define, but definitely warms her heart. While Kurt answers in the affirmative, Shelby suddenly realizes that her relationship with Kurt is nearly on the same comfort level as Burt's and Rachel's. She smiles, happy with this knowledge.

They'd just started eating when Finn walks in with Rachel leaning on his arm. She is also still wearing the same clothes as yesterday and looks just as bedraggled as Kurt. And just as adorable.

"Morning." Rachel says, smiling.

Burt steals her from Finn, pulling her against his side in a half-hug while walking her the rest of the way to the table. "Good morning, princess."

Shelby tries to remember if she had started calling Rachel princess before she first heard Burt use the endearment, or if she had unconsciously copied him. It doesn't matter, but she finds she's curious. Andy started calling her princess before he heard Shelby use it. Do many adults quickly decide that 'princess' is a good term of endearment for Rachel after meeting her? The thought amuses her.

Rachel ends up sitting next to Carole and immediately starts chatting warmly with the older woman. For a moment, Shelby pictures all of them older. Burt and Carole married, of course. Finn and Rachel married. Carole her mother-in-law, and Burt her uncle-turned-father-in-law. Kurt her brother-turned-brother-in-law. They'd be a very close knit family, that's for sure. They're just kids, only 16. And yet, the way Shelby has seen Rachel and Finn look at each other, the way she has seen them interacting, honestly spoke of a love deeper than any normal teenage relationship she has seen. Even their brief breakup last spring was based on deep, mature themes and handled maturely by them. She wonders if Rachel's illness matured their relationship or if it would have been like this regardless of her health. Perhaps just as deep but not as dramatic. Or maybe her illness caused their relationship to deepen sooner than it would have.

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After cleaning up breakfast, Kurt suggests they play a card game. Rachel brings up the card game she'd taught Shelby a few days before. The others easily agree and Shelby grabs the deck of cards from the living room. She hands them to her daughter with a smirk.

"Which set of rules will you be teaching them?"

Rachel blushes and smiles sheepishly. "Um, the real set of rules."

"The real set of rules?" Burt asks curiously.

"Oh, yes. My daughter taught me this game the other day. She also kept changing the rules as we went."

Carole gasps dramatically, her eyes twinkling. "Rachel! Really? Have you no shame?"

Rachel shrugs with a little grin, accepting the good natured ribbing. The boys snigger, but she ignores them. "At least I know I'm not the only sore loser in the family." She sniffs fake haughtily.

The others laugh while Shelby tosses a napkin at Rachel in mock annoyance. The way Rachel say "the family" was vague enough that she could have been talking specifically about the Corcorans, her Glee "family", or she could have meant just the people currently sitting at their kitchen table. No matter it'd be an accurate statement. Shelby smiles, not caring in the slightest which way it was meant.

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