Chapter 17: An Empty Seat

Rachel and Brittany sit in the basement on the piano bench. They'd talked a little, but Rachel quickly realized that her friend was struggling. Rachel wants to give her time to gather her thoughts, so she plays a few songs on the piano. As she plays, she begins humming along. She can feel Brittany's eyes on her.

"You promised."

Rachel stops playing. "I never promised I'd be okay."

"You promised to try. You promised to be honest about how you were feeling. You promised to let us help you." Her tone is accusing. Tears stream down her face and her lip trembles.

"Britt, I did."

Brittany turns to face her fully. "No, you didn't. You kept insisting you were fine when we knew you weren't!"

Rachel looks down. Her eyes are burning. "I didn't like admitting to myself how bad I was feeling. I thought…..if I acknowledged it, it'd be more real."

"Is it real now?"

Rachel flinches. Brittany has never sounded so mean before. She bites her lip and keeps her head down. Brittany stands and paces, her demeanor agitated.

"It took me a while, but I did eventually start admitting when I wasn't feeling well. You know this." Brittany stops moving and stares at her, her arms crossed. "How many times have I stayed sitting and not participated in Glee? Or started dancing but sat down when I got dizzy or tired. I've hung out at your house and asked you to get me medicine for a headache. I've left group gatherings early to go home because I was tired. I've admitted when I need a break or to sit. I've asked people I'm walking with to slow down." Not in words, so much as tugging on their arms until they slowed to a pace she was comfortable with, but she figures it still counts. "You know I've gotten better about being open about when I don't feel well."

Brittany softens, her arms slipping down to her sides. But her fingers are still twitching in agitation. "Not all the time. You still push yourself too much sometimes. Sectionals. You overdid it at Sectionals. What if that's what pushed you into stage 4? What if you could have stayed in stage 3 if you'd just rested more? If you'd taken better care of yourself?" Her face scrunches up and her tears resume.

She gets up and goes to her friend. Brittany backs away. Rachel freezes, her heart in her throat. Brittany has never declined a hug before.

"Why didn't you take better care of yourself? Why didn't you let us help you more? Why did you push yourself? Why….why….why…." Brittany falls to her knees sobbing. "Why is this happening?"

Rachel kneels next to her and wraps her in a hug, hoping she won't be shoved off. She's not. Brittany envelops her in a fierce hug and continues to sob. Rachel shifts Brittany's arms just the slightest bit so that she's not squeezing the worst of her bruises.

"I don't want to lose you."

Rachel loses her battle to stay calm. They cry together. She's not sure how long they're crying before more arms wrap around them. Smelling apples and juniper causes her to relax, knowing her mother has joined them. Since another set of arms is there, she guesses Brittany's mother is there as well. When they're down to sniffles, they release the group hug. Rachel's mom keeps an arm around her back. She watches Mrs. Pierce wipe Brittany's face.

"Why don't we go upstairs and talk, girls?"

Rachel takes her mom's offered hands and pulls herself up. The floor rolls under her feet. Her mom doesn't let go, watching her carefully and holding her up until she's steady. Blinking it away, Rachel nods. The dizziness returns on the stairs. Rachel grips the banister with both hands, feeling herself tilt backwards. Her mom steps up behind her, pressing her front firmly into Rachel's back. One hand wraps around her waist. The other holds on to the railing. It's not fading. Rachel starts breathing faster. Darkness starts creeping along the edges of her vision.

Mrs. Pierce's face swims before her. Her hands frame her face. "Slow your breathing. Take a deep breath and focus on me."

She does her best. After a few slower breaths the dizziness fades and the darkness recedes. She lifts her foot up to the next step. It shakes.

"We'll go slow." Her mother says softly in her ear. "Take your time."

Rachel debates whether to slowly go up one step at a time or ask if she can just sit on the steps for a few minutes.

"Can I sit?"

Her mom squeezes a little tighter. "Honey….." Rachel hears her sigh. "Trust me, I want to let you sit. I'm just worried that if you end up passing out or get dizzy when you stand again, you may fall down the stairs. I'd rather get you off the stairs as soon as we can."

Rachel swallows back tears. She really wants to sit down. She lifts her other foot. They go slowly, her mom behind her, Mrs. Pierce in front of her. She feels ridiculous. Pathetic. She shakes it off. She's stage 4. She can go as slow as she needs to and they won't think any less of her. By the time they get upstairs, she is miserable. Her mom and Mrs. Pierce each hold an arm and half carry her to the couch. Brittany immediately joins her, wrapping herself around her.

"I'm sorry, Rachie."

Rachel doesn't feel up to talking. She rests her head on Brittany's arm and squeezes her hand, instead. Her mom hands her a water bottle. Her fingers fumble with the cap. Brittany opens it for her. They give her a few quiet minutes.

"How're you feeling now? Tired?"

Rachel gives her an exasperated look. Her mom smiles sadly. She's always tired. They begin discussing what Brittany had brought up downstairs. The mothers hadn't heard everything, but they'd come down when they'd heard Brittany begin her series of 'why' questions. Mrs. Pierce helped Brittany calmly express her frustration about Rachel not taking better care of herself. Not that Rachel thought it was necessary. Brittany had already made that pretty clear. Mrs. Pierce helped both girls understand that that anger stemmed from the fact that it's really not in anyone's control. Brittany feels helpless and seeing Rachel not doing everything that's in her control to help herself makes her angry. Rachel could understand that. They then helped Brittany understand that the real problem is that Rachel's body is not responding to the treatments as well as it should. Rachel can't control that. Then they make sure Rachel understands that Brittany is lashing out because she loves her so much and is scared and hurting. Rachel had assumed as much, but it was nice to be told.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brittany insisted on going with her to her treatment that afternoon. Santana and Quinn met up with them. It seems that shaking is going to be a frequent side effect at this higher dose. Santana slid onto the chemo chair with her, hoping that body warmth would help soothe the shaking. She was grateful to not actually be throwing up, but the nausea was intense. She couldn't speak at all during the final hour, too afraid to open her mouth. Her friends spoke, though. Telling jokes, gossiping, and just generally acting normal. It was comforting. Despite feeling awful, she was determined to not need the wheelchair again. She walked out between Quinn and Santana; her two friends keeping her up and moving steadily. At home, her mom begged her to drink something. That's when the vomiting began. She fell asleep on the couch. She woke up to find her Mom sitting in the recliner and watching tv with the volume low.

"Mom?"

Her mother immediately sat on the floor next to the couch so they were nearly face to face. Her hand ran slowly up and down her back.

"Does my Dad know?" It'd been on her mind. She'd waited. She figured either her dad would call her or show up, or her mom would tell her about her conversation with him. After her heart had stopped last month, she'd gotten a call from her dad. They'd spoken for a while. He'd cried. It had been awkward. Almost uncomfortable. But not getting a call would have been even more upsetting.

Her mom's hand pauses. Rachel can't read her mom's expression, but she can tell that she's not happy and that she's trying to hide her real emotions.

"He does."

Rachel waits. Nothing more is said. Her mom's hand resumes it's motions. It's obvious her mom doesn't want to discuss this further. Normally, Rachel would back off. But she may be dying for fuck's sake. She wants answers.

"And?"

Her mom's eyes harden. "He'll….he'll talk to you when he's able, honey. It was…..very hard for him to hear. He was very upset. Even more so than when he found out that your heart had stopped."

Rachel isn't sure if that means he has returned to drinking or something else. She decides it's not worth pressing. She tries to convince herself that it doesn't matter.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day is New Years Eve. Rachel hadn't really expected to go to Nana's like last year. Instead, her mother would be hosting the family NYE gathering. The only problem is that her friends want to celebrate it with her as well. In the end, it was decided that it would be a family gathering. While the Glee kids grumbled about being family, they understood. The exception is the Hummel's, and by extension, the Hudson's. They are family. They'll be there, too. Rachel had specifically requested it and frankly, no one would deny her.

Rachel opens the door when the Winters' arrive. Uncle Andy immediately lifts her up into a tight hug, leaving her feet dangling. She hid her wince in his shoulder. The hugs from the rest of his family are gentler, but just as loving. Rachel and her mother had discussed the fact that she'd be getting many hugs today. While she wanted the hugs, she didn't really want to add too many more bruises. They did a couple things to prepare. First, her mom asked Grandpa to remind everyone to be gentle. Second, she preemptively iced her torso. Her mother had not been happy to see bruises on her arms and shoulders. Third, she took a mild pain pill shortly before everyone was expected to arrive.

She sits in the living room talking and playing board games and card games with her family. When the Hummel's and Hudson's arrive, Finn kisses her deeply. Her cousins (younger and older) all "oohhh" and giggle, making Rachel blush. With so many people, and it being a more casual holiday, dinner was just pizza, salad, and wings. It wasn't a 'sit down together to eat' type of dinner, but more of a buffet style. Rachel was happy with this because it means its not as obvious how little she eats.

The teenagers move down to the basement to talk away from the adults. Rachel pretends not to overhear her mom asking Finn to carry her when they're ready to come back up, just in case she gets dizzy. Dylan and Oliver run between the adults and the teens frequently. She doesn't get dizzy. She does get a nosebleed. Finn leans against the wall with Rachel leaning back against him. When they ran out of tissues, Abby told Dylan to run upstairs for more. Instead of Dylan returning, Grandpa did. He came down with a dish towel. Kneeling next to her, Grandpa holds it to her nose until the bleeding stops. He looked between the small pile of bloody tissues in the bin next to her, the partially soaked towel in his hand, and her pale face.

"You may end up needing a trip to the ER, darlin."

"It's New Years Eve, Grandpa. It'll be packed! Besides, it's just a little blood."

"This is more than just a little."

"It's not that much!"

"It's more than I'd like."

"While I don't like it either," Kurt chimes in "she's right. She's lost more blood than this in the past and not gone to the hospital."

Grandpa frowns. Abby and Tyler look equal parts concerned and appalled. After a moment of indecision, he caves."Alright. But if you lose any more blood or start feeling very poorly, we're going. I'm also telling your mother."

"She'll just worry!"

"She needs to be told. You kids just keep hanging out down here. Holler if you need anything. And Rachel—"

"I won't move. Promise."

And she doesn't. She continues to lean back against Finn while they all play cards. When she gets too tired, she sets her cards down and just watches the game progress with a small smile. She likes seeing her cousins getting along with Kurt and Finn. She lets herself fall asleep, content in the knowledge that she'd asked Finn to wake her before midnight. She wants to be kissed at the stroke of midnight. He'd happily agreed.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel is asleep in the recliner. Finn had carried her up. Her brother had instantly given up the recliner so that Finn could set her there. Her sister laid a blanket over her. Dylan and Oliver started asking innocent questions about why Rachel was already asleep. Shelby had had to step away before their parents answered them. She starts cleaning up the remaining food. Her mother, Kelly, and Carole come in to help. The other women keep up a steady stream of casual chatter.

As it gets later, Rachel remains asleep. Oliver climbed onto the recliner and snuggled with her for a while, but the energetic boy was far too hyper to stay still for long. Shelby shook her gently, trying to wake her. She hadn't reacted at all, so Shelby let her be. She hoped she hadn't made a mistake in not taking her to the hospital for a transfusion after the nosebleed. The general consensus, after seeing the bloodied tissues and rag, was that it wasn't enough to warrant a trip. Just enough to keep a closer eye on her. Later, Kelly tries to wake Rachel. This time the girl mumbles and her eyes flutter open briefly. Again, they let her go back to sleep. When her family had offered to be quiet or move to another room so as to not disturb Rachel, Shelby had shaken her head.

"She finds the sounds of her family around her comforting. Talking, playing, laughing…she grew up an only child with no extended family. She didn't get to experience the noise of a big, loud, extended family. After meeting you all, she found she likes it. She said even if she's not participating, but just listening, hearing family around her is comforting to her."

Content to know they not only weren't disturbing her, but may very well be offering comfort, they happily remained where they were. At about a quarter to midnight, Shelby gets nervous. Rachel wanted to be awake to ring in the new year. They all want her to be able to do this simple thing. If they can't wake her, she'll be upset. Then Finn picks her up, blanket and all, and carries her out back. Shelby realizes what he's doing. The cold air will help wake her.

Kurt lays out a blanket in the backyard. Finn sits on it while holding Rachel on his lap. Kurt sits next to them. Finn kisses her a few times and Kurt starts singing a light song. Rachel wakes. Slowly, but she wakes. She smiles when she looks up and sees the sky. Mark brings out outdoor speakers and connects his phone to it so they can hear the countdown. The family sits in folding chairs or on blankets or towels or on the patio steps. They're bundled up against the cold and talking happily. Dylan and Oliver are running around waving sparklers.

At the stroke of midnight everyone cheers for the new year. Rachel and Finn share a long kiss. Kurt sighs wistfully, clearly wishing his new boyfriend was with him. When they finally break apart, all smiles, Shelby cuts in.

"Happy New Year, princess." She hugs her daughter, rocking her.

"Happy New Year, Mom." Rachel kisses her cheek, making her smile.

They all look up, startled, when someone a few streets over starts shooting off fireworks. Rachel resumes her spot leaning back against her boyfriend, watching the firework display with a smile. On the radio, "Auld Lang Syne" begins playing. Andy reaches towards it with a frown, clearly intending to turn it off. Shelby is grateful. She doesn't know if she can handle that song this year. But then he pauses. They all do. Quietly, softly, Rachel has started singing along. Andy drops his hand, his eyes on his niece. Listening to Rachel sing softly, but still beautifully, causes a lump to form in Shelby's throat.

"We two have run about the hills
And picked the daisies fine
But we've wandered many
Weary foot
Since auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We two have paddled in the stream
From morning sun til night
But seas between us broad have roared
From auld lang syne"

Finn and Kurt join in the final chorus with her and she smiles at them. When the fireworks finish, everyone applauds. She's close enough to hear the conversation between the teens.

"We've always said that starting the year by singing was good luck." Rachel reminds Kurt.

He nods. "Yeah, we have."

"I didn't last year. I didn't even think of it."

Kurt looks a little startled. "I didn't either."

Finn presses his face against Rachel's. "Maybe we should sing another, then?"

"Okay, but—"

"Something fun."

The three kids start singing and eventually others join in. When they finish, they decide they're too cold to stay outside and go back in for hot cocoa. Rachel is falling asleep on Kelly when everyone decides to call it a night. While Shelby's father and brother playfully argue about who gets to carry her up to bed, Andy swoops in. He's up the stairs with her before the other two even realize it, much to everyone else's amusement.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby jumps out of bed, following her stumbling daughter. She realizes what's happening when Rachel bolts into the bathroom with uneven steps and lunges for the toilet. Shelby holds her hair back as she vomits. Rachel rests her cheek on the seat, gasping for breath. Shelby flushes, then rubs her daughter's back soothingly.

"Deep breaths, princess."

Her mother kneels next to them, handing Shelby the nausea medication. Rachel grimaces, but swallows it down.

"Gross." Rachel complains.

Shelby smiles sympathetically. "You ready to head back to bed, sweetheart?"

"No." Her daughter groans, an arm wrapped gingerly around her stomach.

"Alright. We'll wait here until you feel better."

They sit on the bathroom floor, Rachel dozing only to jerk awake and lean towards the toilet every few minutes. Once the medicine kicked in, she finally fell asleep. Her mother had gone to wake her father. He carried Rachel back to bed. No one is surprised, then, that Rachel doesn't wake until midday. Even when she did wake, the short walk down to the kitchen left her breathless. Shelby swallowed hard, working to keep her face neutral. She knows she needs to get used to this. It's just so hard. Still, the family managed to spend a nice day together. They left that evening after a family dinner. Her parents stayed longer. They insisted on staying a few more days. Her father is going to help her deal with HR and paperwork. Plus, just having other people around to help out with Rachel is nice.

On Sunday her friends come over. They hang out in the basement for a karaoke jam session. Blaine even brought a couple Warbler friends. Shelby clearly notices the long gaps between songs she hears her daughter sing. And she sings casually, not giving her all like she normally does. No solos, either. Duets or group numbers only. Shelby is relieved to hear her daughter singing and even more relieved to know that Rachel isn't pushing herself. It seems she has learned her lesson. When there's a particularly long gap where she hasn't heard her, Shelby can't help but peek downstairs. As she assumed, Rachel is asleep curled up between Mercedes and Tina. She's glad the kids keep singing and hanging out anyway. About an hour later, they all come up. Rachel is awake, but clearly tired. The kids head home and Rachel naps, her head on her grandmother's lap.

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Santana's eyes keep straying to the empty seat next to hers. It'll be empty for the next few months. At least. Bile rises in her throat and tears sting her eyes. She sucks in a quick breath. When they get to the independent work, Santana just sits there staring at it. A hand lands on her shoulder.

"Santana. Do you need to go to Ms. Pillsbury?" Her teacher asks kindly. She's clearly been told that Rachel won't be returning.

Unable to speak, she nods. She's walking down the hall when someone starts walking next to her. Looking over, she sees Coach Sylvester.

"My office, Tits McGee."

Once they're there, Santana stays silent. Her coach sighs. "How are you?"

Santana glares at her. "One of my closest friends is in stage four and may only have two months left to live. And while she's living, she's going to be in pain and feeling awful. How do you think I am?"

"Coming back to school was harder than you expected, wasn't it?"

Santana blinks away tears. "It's hard. Her not being here."

"She hasn't been in school frequently since September." Sue points out gently.

"This is different!" The Latina snaps.

"How?" She's prodding.

"Because! Because…..before, there was a chance she'd come late. Or if she was there in the morning, she'd leave early. But at least someone would get to see her. Or we'd see her in the hall for a minute. Even just a moment, passing her in the hall, seeing her there….it was enough to calm us. Reassure us. She was here. She was okay."

"There have been entire days she hasn't come to school before."

"Yeah, but she'd generally come back the next day. She'd only be out a day or two in a row. We always knew she'd be back." Saying it like that suctions out her remaining anger. Tears flow down her cheeks. "Now….We don't know if she'll be back."

"She will."

Santana loses what's left of her composure. "We don't know that! We want that! We want that so badly it hurts! But we don't know, so don't sit there and tell me she'll be fine. You can't know that."

Sue's face droops, her eyes dark. "You're right. I don't know. But I believe it."

Santana sniffles, wiping her face. "Why?"

"Because I've known Rachel Berry for five years now. Don't forget, I met her when she was in seventh grade. She was volunteering at the nursing home my sister lives in. I've seen her bruised and beaten. I've seen her scared and sick. I've seen her lonely and anxious. And I've seen her bounce back every single time. Standing tall, head held high as she faced everything this fucked up world has tossed at her. And it has tossed her blow after blow. That girl is strong and stubborn. She refuses to back down. That is why I believe she will be fine."

A reluctant smile starts pulling at her mouth. "She is strong. And so stubborn. But….what if the illness is stronger? She's so tired and so…..weak."

Sue sighs. "Then…we'll have to be strong and stubborn for her."

"What if I can't?"

"Then you're doing yourself…..and Rachel….a disservice."

At first the words seemed mean. Thinking about it, Santana realizes she's right. She dries her tears and nods firmly. "Okay."

"Santana, I want you to understand something. Being strong and stubborn doesn't mean you don't break down sometimes. Rachel has sat in that chair and broken down crying several times. If you need to cry or vent, you can do that. If you want to come here to vent, you can."

Santana nods, grateful and relieved. She leaves. Walking in the hall she spots Mike Chang leaning on a locker. She frowns.

"Mike?"

He looks at her, not smiling. "I asked to go to the bathroom. Really, though, I just needed to leave."

She realizes that classes changed while she was with her cheerleading coach. This is the class Rachel would have had with Mike. She sighs. "Seeing her empty seat was hard, wasn't it?"

He nods."Yeah."

"Same thing happened to me." She admits.

He smiles sadly before pulling her into a hug. They break apart when they hear a chime. It's the one specific to their group chat. They both open it and immediately start laughing. Rachel sent the group a picture of her reclining feet in fuzzy socks and the television in the background. She included the message "What's this? I just woke up and am curled up all warm in a recliner watching tv while you all are sitting on hard seats in a chilly school?" And an emoji with the tongue sticking out. The rest of the group immediately responds with various emoji's showing their jealousy and amusement.

"Think she knew it'd be hard on us today?" Mike asks.

"Maybe she suspected." Then she grins. "Or maybe she just wanted to rub our faces in the fact that she's all comfy."

They laugh and head off to class.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In Glee, the friends all share similar thoughts and struggles. The New Directions found that returning to school was surreal. It didn't feel real. Sure, Rachel hasn't been coming often in months. But she still came. Now they're going to school knowing there is zero chance of her showing up. It's depressing.

Mr. Schuester stuffs his hands in his pockets. "We need to start preparing for Regionals. It may help you to focus on something fun."

"Mr. Schue," Mercedes raises her hand "we want to prepare for it. We do. Rachel made us promise to kick ass at Regionals." At this, Mr. Schue barks out a laugh. "We promised we would and we will. But…..this is harder than we thought it'd be. Give us a week. I think I'll be in a better state of mind to start preparing next week."

Their coach looks around and sees the kids nodding. "Alright. I'd like to say you can take all the time you need, but if we're truly going to kick ass at Regionals, then we need time to rehearse. So this week, we adjust to…..being in school and knowing Rachel won't be joining us for a while. Next week, we begin preparing. Agreed?"

Resolutely, they all nod.

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The eleven friends supported each other throughout the week. It was hard. Coach Beiste offered to let anyone who wanted to to use the punching bags to pound out their anger. Coach Sue offered to run them hard on the track. Both of them, as well as Ms. Pillsbury and Mr. Schuester, offered up their offices as safe spaces for them to cry or talk. The only arguments that broke out were when they were working out who would get to go to treatments with her. They decided that whoever was not going to treatment with her that week would go visit after school the other days. That way there was one someone visiting with her every day.

Wednesday was the hardest visit of the week. The friends who visited then found her experiencing the type of episode she'd suffered through on her birthday. She felt heavy, exhausted, her heart was racing, and she was slurring her words. It was upsetting for them to see. But recalling her telling them that she feels better when people are around her, they stayed. Artie held her hand, Puck held her on his lap, and Brittany softly played with her hair. All three talked quietly and casually about school.

Thursday was Rachel and Finn's one year anniversary. They'd decided to honor it despite breaking up. They both insisted that they were apart so briefly that it barely counted. Besides, all the breakup did was make them stronger. They didn't do much, just had a nice dinner together and watched a movie.

On Friday they received a happy surprise. Blaine walked into the choir room during Glee and announced that he had transferred to McKinley. The friends cheered and celebrated. They'd been so focused on Rachel and their promise about Regionals that they forgot one very important thing: in order compete at Regionals they need 12 members. Now that Blaine has transferred, they have 12 again. He told them he'd been thinking about it for months but after he started dating Kurt, and Rachel transitioned to stage 4, he decided now was the time.

"Does Rachel know?" Finn asked, wondering if his girlfriend was aware of this. She hadn't said anything to him.

"She does, but only because I stopped by her house before coming here." The bow tie wearing boy admitted.

They perked up at this. "How was she?" Kurt asked eagerly. "And how did she respond?"

"Uh, after she stopped throwing up," they all cringed sympathetically at that "she was very happy. She'd been wondering what you all would do about getting a twelfth member to replace her."

"You're not replacing her." Finn snapped. Realizing he was coming on too strong, he softened. "No one is replacing her. We just need at least one more member until she can return. I'm glad it's you, dude."

"Neither Rachel or I meant it like that, Finn." Blaine said softly. "It's about filling a spot, not replacing the person."

Finn nodded awkwardly. He'd known that. He just….got stuck on the wording. It had thrown him. Rachel is irreplaceable. No one could replace her in any way, shape, or form. Swallowing, he pulled out his phone and looked at a recent picture he'd taken of her smiling at him. He had to fight the urge to leave school to go to her.

"Besides," Blaine goes on, "she'd also been worried about something else."

They all frown. They don't want Rachel to worry about anything she doesn't have to.

"What are you talking about? What was she worried about?" Kurt demands.

Blaine looks down. "She, uh, said she'd been worried about me."

xxxxxxx

"Me? Why?" Blaine is confused. Why would Rachel be worried about him?

The brunette pulls her legs up and wraps her arms around her knees. She smiles at him a little awkwardly. "I know you're friends with the other Warblers, but how close are you with them? Are you all really good friends?"

Blaine has never been asked that before. He thinks about his teammates. "I like spending time with them, but we don't spend a lot of time together outside of school. We mostly just sing together. We're friends, but not extremely close. Not the way the New Directions are. Why do you ask?"

"I'm dying, Blaine. Yes, I could still get better and recover. But if things don't start improving soon, I will die. If I do, I know it'll be hard for everyone." That's an extreme understatement, Blaine thinks. He blinks rapidly. "The rest of my friends will struggle, but they'll be together to support one another. They see each other every day at school. They'll even have support from several teachers. But you…Blaine, you're my only close friend not at McKinley. You'll be at Dalton, alone. I know you talk and text the others and hang out with them on the weekends and some nights, but it's not the same. I was worried about you having to…..forgive me if I'm coming across as arrogant or self-centered, but I assume you'll be grieving if I die. I didn't like the idea of you grieving alone at school all day."

Blaine takes her hand. He ignores the tears filling his eyes. He'd interrupt her, but can't make his suddenly dry mouth move. She goes on.

"I've been wondering how to ask you about your friends at Dalton. I wanted to make sure you'd be supported in the event of my passing. But I didn't want to…I don't know…"

Blaine slides closer to her and kisses her cheek. "I get it. And I appreciate it. You're a really good friend, Rachel. And you're right. If you die, I will absolutely be grieving. We all will." He takes a breath. "I think that if I stayed at Dalton, the Warblers would do their best to support me. They care. They'd help. But I'm better friends with you guys. I'm closer to everyone in the New Directions than I am with the Warblers."

Rachel tilts her head and smiles knowingly. "Is that part of your reason for transferring?"

"Yeah. I think it was that reason that helped my parents accept my decision. They want the same thing you do. For me to have support if…..if the worst should come to pass."

"Then I'm even more relieved that you transferred."

xxxx

"Rachel didn't like the idea of me alone at Dalton if…..if she dies. She was worried I wouldn't have good friends around to support me. You all have each other here at school, every day. I only see you on the weekends. She said she feels better knowing I'm here, with all of you."

Kurt wraps his arms around him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel thought about little changes she'd noticed in the past few weeks. Like the wooden sign on the front door with moveable slots. Each slot had a blank side and a side with writing. This way, her mom could alert visitors to any pertinent information. One said "Do Not Ring Bell! Please Knock!", another said "Please Do Not Disturb", and another had chalkboard paint on it so that they could write a more specific message if needed. Another change is the basket that now resides on a small table by the front door. Neither she nor her mother knew where it had come from, but it was nice. The basket was pretty, yet durable. Attached to the front were letters spelling out MAIL. So far, their mail has been appearing in the basket. It meant her mom could just lean out the front door to get mail, rather than walk down to the mailbox. Their trash cans were brought up to the garage after the garbage truck comes around. Minor things, but appreciated. Also, whenever there have been predictions of ice or snow, their front steps, front walk, and driveway are salted. Her grandparents had stayed until Wednesday. During the night it had rained and in the morning it froze over. Someone had scraped the ice off her grandparents windshield. Again, minor. However, her grandparents had pointed out just how helpful it was. Had there been an emergency and they needed to get to the hospital (but did not need an ambulance), having to scrape the ice off would have delayed them. As it was, she had had a moderate attack on Tuesday, so it could have been necessary. Thankfully, it wasn't.

She also thought about her friends. They'd really taken her words to heart. They texted her frequently. They visited daily in pairs or groups. They came with her to treatments. She felt bad for fainting on Sam and Quinn during Thursday's treatment. She'd still been sitting, so it wasn't too bad. She'd just….slumped over mid-conversation, scaring the crap out of them.

Holly had come over twice this week. The blonde woman had taught a couple mini lessons, then helped her with her work. Since she hasn't been in school, and won't be in school for a while, Holly is no longer reviewing work and helping her stay up to date. Now, the woman is actually teaching her what she'd be learning if she were in school. Then, she helps her complete the work her teachers assign. Wednesday had gone fine. She'd left before the episode began. Friday, however, she'd fallen asleep during the lesson right at the kitchen table. When she'd woken, Holly had teased her "am I boring you, Ms. Berry?" She'd laughed, but hadn't felt up to continuing. Holly helped her walk to the couch and they'd watched reality tv, making fun of the people being ridiculous until she fell asleep again. She had to say, she liked having her mom home with her all day every day. She'd taken to doing grocery runs and other errands while Holly was over. She tried not to think about the fact that she still hasn't heard from her dad.

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When some of her friends visit on Saturday, she's not surprised. When they open a computer and connect to Skype, she is surprised. Until Matt Rutherford's face fills the screen. Rachel smiles widely.

"Hi, Matt!"

Matt's returning smile is as big as hers. "Hi, Rachel! I heard you're still causing some drama over at McKinley. They asked me to tell you to knock it off."

Rachel laughs then fake glares at her friends, who shrug. "Not my fault."

Matt laughs. "Oh, we know. I'm just messing with you." His smile dims. He takes a few slow breaths, his eyes carefully examining her face through the screen. "I'm sorry, Rach."

She lets her own smile fall, but not completely. If she breaks down, so will they. She manages a soft smile. "Thanks, Matt. We miss you here. I miss you."

"Well, yeah, no one else can pop and lock quite like me." He backs away from the camera and does a few dance moves to prove his point. The kids applaud him. "I tried joining the glee club at my school, but they're far too rigid for my liking. I'm sticking with football, instead."

"You don't dance at all?" Rachel frowns lightly. She knows how much it sucks to not get to follow your passions.

"Eh….I dance at parties and at home. It's not a big deal." He assures her.

They talk a while longer, catching up. They've all kept in touch on Facebook, but its not the same as having a face to face conversation. Even through video. And Rachel hasn't been on Facebook in a while.

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