Disclaimer in chapter 1

Working Past The Inevitable

Chapter 2: Gone Too Soon

Somehow, I have no idea how; I managed to walk in the right direction. I stopped and looked around, taking in my surroundings for the first time in half an hour, surprised to find myself standing in my street. My mind for the most part was a blank, punctuated every so often with flashes of memories, fleeting and brief. Ice skating, on the swings with Susie, getting stuck in that damn elevator, being coerced into coming back to work at County… They were all good images, the bad ones being hazy and hard to picture, not that I tried particularly hard to see them. Shivering slightly I knew in the back of my mind that I was in shock and I should get inside before it got any colder. With shaking hands I groped in my bag for my keys as I stumbled towards the door. I couldn't find them and panicked slightly before stopping and forcing myself to take a deep breath and try to be rational. I couldn't believe how much this had affected me – it's not as if I wasn't expecting it. I'd been to see him at home a couple of times before he left for Hawaii, we had already effectively said goodbye. I had known I would never see him again, had reconciled and prepared for this; or so I thought. Guess all the rational thoughts in the world can't prepare you for the loss of your best friend.

Finally I located my keys and after a few shaky attempts, managed to let myself in. I climbed the stairs to my apartment slowly, not caring enough to collect my mail on the way up. I opened the door to my apartment, this time with a slightly steadier hand, and entered, slamming the door behind me in a flash of anger. It left as quickly as it came, I didn't have the energy to sustain it, and slumped back against the now closed door, allowing the silent tears to fall.

"Why him?" I whispered in the dark, pleading with anyone or anything out there willing to listen to me. Why him? He still had so much left to give, so many people down here needed him, me being one of the last in a long line before me; Ella, Rachel, Elizabeth… the hospital and even the endless swarms of patients that crashed through our doors. I wiped my eyes and pushed myself up and away from the door. Shrugging out of my coat, I hung it up and wandered through the still dark apartment, making my way towards the kitchen for some much needed caffeine, flicking the computer on automatically as I passed. I stopped, realising what I had done and moved to switch it back off again, checking my email was the least of my worries right then. However something stopped me, my hand inches away from the switch. Maybe routine is what I needed, some semblance of normality even if it was merely checking mail. I needed something familiar to ground me, so I left the computer to boot and carried on towards the kitchen.

I flicked on the light, immediately wincing at the glare inflicted on my now red and puffy eyes. Starting the coffee as quickly as I could and setting out a cup, I switched the light back off and went back into the lounge. I couldn't handle the bright light, the darkness better suiting my temperament. Carrying on into my bedroom I peeled my work clothes off and searched about for some sweats, a bath no longer holding the same appeal as it did earlier. I felt so lost and alone in the still silence of the apartment, he really was well and truly gone. I shuddered as a sob threatened to escape, determined not to start crying again, knowing that if I did, I would still be sobbing when morning came.

By now the coffee sounded almost ready and on my way back through I noticed the red light of the machine was blinking at me. I reluctantly pressed play, not really wanting to know who it was and the silence was broken with that annoying voice that told me I had three new messages. I let it play and moved away to get my coffee. The machine beeped angrily and I heard Abby's voice fill the room.

"Hi, uh it's Abby. God, I…… Randi told me, told everyone. The hospital…it's kinda surreal, awful… you were right to get out when you did…. I know you were close to him Susan. I'm so sorry, it's just…..I.. I'm here if you want to, y'know, talk. I…eh…. I should be home not too long after you get this. Please call me, let me know you're ok…"

Ok? I snorted, *sure I'm just swell!* I thought, immediately regretting it. That wasn't fair, she was only trying to help, and deep down beyond my bitterness, I was actually touched that she had phoned. But I wasn't up to phoning her, I had no idea what to say. Feeling slightly guilty I decided to phone in the morning. The machine beeped and it was time for caller number two.

"Susan? If you're there pick up. It's John…uh Carter. I…. I just found out…. Please, just call me."

This time I felt even guiltier, he must be going through hell as well, but again I'd speak to him tomorrow. Beeep…

"Susie honey, it's your mother. Just to let you know that your dad and I have decided to go on vacation at Christmas this year so we won't be around for the holidays. If there's anything you can think of that you want for Christmas let me…" I angrily jabbed at the stop button and silenced her.

"Oh shut…the….fuck…up….Cookie! For Christ sake it's barely summer!" How the hell did she always manage to make me want to scream and tear my hair out??? Christmas presents are the last fucking thing on my mind. I growled and yanked the phone cord out the wall and flung myself on the sofa in frustration. Looking at my watch I saw that it was almost midnight, seven whole hours before work and I knew I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. I just felt so damn… numb. Numb and angry. It was such a waste of life, gone too soon. I grabbed the remote, and flicked on the TV, determined to find a distraction.

For nearly an hour I lay there, the darkness broken only by the hazy light emitted from the TV. I had flicked through the channels I don't know how many times. Nothing was able to hold my attention, not that I really expected anything to. My thoughts were a sea of memories and regrets: all the things we had said and done in the past, all the things we hadn't. I found myself wondering what could have been, what might have happened if I hadn't gotten on that train. But the 'what ifs' meant nothing now and I chided myself for allowing my thoughts to go down that road. I've never stopped loving him, but he'd moved on, we both had to some extent. He was lucky enough to find happiness elsewhere in Elizabeth and for that I'm eternally grateful. He was a good man, the best I knew and I would never grudge him that. Suddenly a thought struck me and I sat up quickly. I couldn't think of anything tangible that I had to remember him by other than memories and a couple of photos that we had taken years ago in the carnival booth. My chest tightened and my breathing laboured as I panicked slightly. I needed more, more time, more everything. Dammit! I had the urge to scream, but it came out nothing more than a strangled sob. Maybe I shouldn't be there alone; perhaps I should have called either Abby or Carter back. I needed some kind of diversion or else I was just going to sit there, my mind going round in circles until I couldn't feel any more sorry for myself.

I stretched in an attempt to rid my body from the stiffness caused by lying on the couch and stood up gingerly. Wiping the tears from my eyes as I turned, I caught sight of the computer and remembered my earlier resolve to check my mail. It was as good a diversion as any so I approached the desk and sat down to see if there was anything that could take my mind off Mark and cheer me up slightly.

My inbox popped up and what I saw there, nestled amongst the junk mail was something that made my heart stop for the second time that evening - an email from one M. Greene.