"What the hell is happening to me?" Xander says. "And why does it have to hurt so much…" He puts both hands on the edge of the sink to keep from falling.
"Xander, what exactly did she do to you?" Giles asks, pondering the bright light.
"She zapped me a couple of times but it wasn't that bad…when I got to the hill she was raising the temple with this really strong magic…" Xander starts to explain.
"How'd you get her to stop?"
"I walked in front of her," Xander replies.
"You walked in front of her? Did you walk into the magic?" Giles asks, startled.
"It stopped when I got in its direct path. I didn't feel anything like when she was aiming for me…" Xander winces as a wave of pain overtakes him and the light brightens.
"Xander, sit down," Dawn orders.
"This is really bad…Willow's going to freak if I die…" Xander says weakly, slumping against the wall.
"You're not going to die…Xander?" Dawn catches him as he starts to fall forward and leans him against the wall so he can slip to the floor.
"What's going on? Why haven't you left for the hospital yet?" Buffy asks, seeing Giles.
"Xander's not doing so good…he's glowing…" Dawn replies. Buffy kneels beside Xander and her sister and looks at his illumination.
"He's burning up…Giles, we have to do something, this cannot happen right now," Buffy says, on the edge of panic.
"Where is Willow?" Giles asks, positioning himself beside Buffy.
"Sleeping again. I told her Xander would be back by the time she woke up…maybe we should call Anya…she might know what to do…she would want to be here if he…" Buffy says, helping Giles lift Xander's limp body and carry it to the pullout bed.
"Buffy. Take a deep breath. He's not going to die…" Giles says.
"What happened? Why is Xander glowing?" Anya materializes beside Dawn.
"How did you…" Dawn asks.
"I knew something was wrong…" Anya sits on the edge of the bed beside Xander and runs a hand across his forehead. "He's sick. She made him sick…"
"Anya, Willow was out of her head…it's not her fault," Buffy defends.
"He would do anything for her…he would do anything for all of you…but he's just a man…he's not half-demon or anything…he's just Xander…he's going to die…" Anya brushes the hair from his scratched face, her voice quiet.
"He's not going to die," Dawn replies.
"Xander? Xander, wake up," Anya calls, touching his face, affectionately.
Xander's eyes flutter slightly but he doesn't wake up.
"Xander, I want to talk to you before you die…" Anya says. "There's so much stuff I still want to talk to you about…wake up," she says, slapping him, suddenly.
"Anya! Stop. He's not going to die," Buffy pulls her away before she can hit him again.
"Look at him, Buffy, he's full of power that he can't handle, she zapped him with so much magic that it's leaking out in waves…" Anya says, pointing at him.
"Anya, what can we do to save him?" Giles asks.
"Nothing. Usually the magic would wear off and not hurt the mortal that was affected, but…it's clinging to Xander, infecting him…it's very rare…" Anya says, her eyes never leaving Xander.
"There has to be a way…" Giles says.
"There's nothing we can do. Maybe, if Xander could harness the power, he could survive, but…Xander's not strong enough…" Anya says, quietly.
"Not strong enough?" Dawn questions.
"His physical body is damaged, first off. Also, with as much power as I sense in him…he'd have to be a master wizard or warlock to be able to control that much magic…he just doesn't have the training…and the mental strain of carrying around all that power would drive him insane…" Anya breaks free of Buffy's grasp and goes back to Xander's side.
"Xander?" Anya says, shaking him, gently.
This time, he opens his eyes and smiles at her. "Hey, An…" After a beat, the smile leaves. "Did you come here to strangle me in my sleep?"
"Xander…you're sick…" Anya says, sadly.
Xander sits up, pain evident on his face. "Where's Willow? Is she okay?"
"Xander, she's fine, she's sleeping…" Buffy says, sensing the panic in his voice.
"You, however, are a different story…" Giles starts.
"I'm going to die, I know…I can feel it…I'm going to check on Willow…" Xander starts to get up.
"Whoa, there…what are you talking about? We're not going to let you get away with that…" Buffy stops him. "You say you're going to die and just expect us to accept that? Well, I've been dead and you guys didn't accept it and there's no way I'm giving up on you…" Buffy starts to ramble.
Xander runs his hands through his hair. "Stop, Buffy, stop."
Everyone is silent, waiting for Xander to speak.
"I don't have anything else to say, sorry," Xander says.
Dawn, Anya and Buffy all start talking at once. Xander pushes himself to his feet and calmly walks into the bedroom. He sits beside Willow, closing the door behind him.
"Xander? Are you okay?" Willow asks, waking up. "Something's wrong…"
"Shh…everything is going to be fine…" Xander promises, taking her hand.
"But, Xander…you're glowing…what did I do to you?" Willow gasps.
"Willow, this isn't your fault…its just some freaky side effect from the zapping your evil twin gave me…everything's going to be okay…" Xander smiles.
"You're lying to me…what's wrong with you?" Willow asks, panic fully awakening her.
"I'm worried about you. I want you to rest and believe me when I tell you that everything is going to be fine. Do you believe me?" Xander asks.
Willow shakes her head, solemnly and starts to cry again. Xander pulls her against his feverish body and holds her. "Shh…"
"I didn't mean to hurt anyone…I just wanted the pain to stop…I'm sorry…" She sobs.
"Willow, calm down, please, baby?" Xander says.
"Baby?" Willow smiles with tears still dripping from her eyes.
"Well, you're crying like a baby, aren't you?" Xander jokes, his tremors rocking Willow.
Willow pulls away slightly. "I'm shaking almost as bad as you are," She says, quietly.
"It's not going to be easy, Will, but you kicked it once and you can kick it again," Xander says.
"You have so much faith in me, Xander, and I don't deserve it…" Willow cries.
"You deserve it more than anyone I know, Wills…You have to get through this, and I know I'm being selfish, but you have to get through this so you can go back to being my support system…If I had lost you today…" Xander starts, but a tremor runs through him, taking his voice.
"Xander? Xander…" Willow grabs his shoulders as a wave of pain rushes through him.
"Willow, I'm sorry…I'm trying…I'm trying to be strong for you…" He chokes.
"Buffy! Giles!" Willow calls, holding Xander's quaking body. The door swings open as Xander's limp body slides from her arms.
"Shit, what happened?" Giles asks, catching the boy's body before it slides to the floor.
Anya walks in and helps Giles lift Xander to the bed.
"What's wrong with him? Why didn't you take him to the hospital?" Willow cries, hysterical.
"Because it's your magic that's killing him," Anya replies, her voice a whisper.
Willow gasps, her skin paling a dangerous shade.
"Willow…" Buffy goes to her friend and forces her to face her. "Willow, this is not your fault. It was a mistake. You did not do this on purpose."
Willow starts to sob. "Everything's my fault…I ripped you out of heaven…I almost killed Dawn…I killed a man…I lost Tara…and now…I killed Xander…"
"Willow, no, Willow…" Buffy says, trying to calm her hysterical friend.
"Willow Rosenberg!" Anya shrieks, stunning everyone. "I know you're struggling right now, but if Xander needs you to chill out."
Willow stifles her sobs and looks at Anya.
Anya sighs. "Willow. Xander loves you more than his own life…can't you see that? It would kill him to see you suffering because of him. So suck it up."
Willow sniffles but nods, giving Buffy a reassuring squeeze.
Anya and Giles try to rouse Xander, but he doesn't respond.
Xander finds himself sitting on the stairs in front of the old high school. He looks around, disoriented and when he turns his head back, Jesse is sitting beside him, smoking a cigarette.
"Whoa. Don't you know those things will kill you?" Xander jokes, too stunned to say anything else.
"Yeah, I know, but since I'm already dead, I think they're okay," Jesse replies. "It's good to see you, man."
"Shit…does this mean I'm dead?" Xander starts to panic.
"Nah, not yet. The Powers That Be are pretty impressed with you. They let me come down and talk to you," Jesse replies.
"Not yet?" Xander asks. "That's comforting."
Jesse grins. "Man, it feels like forever since we hung out. Me, you and Will used to be together all the time."
"Seems like forever," Xander sighs.
"I mean, think about it, kid. You and I spent almost every day of the first 15 years of our life together. 15 years and it's all forgotten because of the Slayer. You found your calling…" Jesse starts.
"I never forgot about you. How could I forget about you? You were the closest thing to a brother I ever had!" Xander protests.
Jesse grins.
"My calling, what are you talking about, dude? If you were still around, you'd be fighting side by side with Buffy, too, don't give me that," Xander replies.
"I just wanted to get you riled up. I've been keeping an eye on you, Xan, and I've been impressed. You've grown into a real man…of sorts…" Jesse teases.
"I've missed you, man," Xander sighs. "Everything has gotten so fucked up. Vampires, demons, magic, it's like a movie or something."
Jesse nods. "That's the Hellmouth for you, fucked up."
Xander is quiet. "You should be there. You should be with us, down there, Jesse."
"It's not my place, anymore, and honestly…I don't want to be down there. Apocalypses every other day is not my idea of a life," Jesse replies.
"Somebody's got to save the world…I don't know how I got picked for the team, but I did…"
"What are you going to do, Xander?" Jesse interrupts.
"What?" Xander asks.
"What are you going to do? I've seen what's going on down there. Willow's freaking out, Buffy's overloaded as it is, you lost your girl and Giles is probably going to bounce as soon at this crisis is past. What are you going to do?" Jesse asks.
"I'm going to do what I always do…go with the flow," Xander shrugs.
"Don't lie to me, Xand. I'm dead. I know when you're lying. What are you going to do if Willow can't get over this?" Jesse asks.
Xander opens his mouth to speak but immediately closes it.
"The Powers That Be sent me here to talk to you, Xander, or better yet, sent me for you to talk to me. I'm dead, it's not like I'm going to run out and tell everybody what you said." Jesse lights another cigarette.
Xander sighs. "I don't know. If Willow's gone…then I have no one left. I mean, she hasn't even been there for me much lately, not like she used to since she has all her own problems and shit but she's still in the background, always there if I need her. And now, she needs me and I can't even be strong enough to stay conscious and help her through."
"Why are you turning this into a guilt 'fest, Xander? It's not your job to take care of her," Jesse says, quietly puffing off his cigarette.
"She's my Willow. She's your Willow…I can't believe what's happened to her," Xander sighs.
"Xander. What about you?" Jesse asks.
"Is this some kind of soul-searching test I have to pass in order to live?" Xander asks.
Jesse smiles. "No. We're just concerned about you."
"We?" Xander asks. "You're plural now?"
"The Powers That Be, that's who I speak for, that's who sent me."
"Never mind. I don't want to know. How you been, Jesse?" Xander asks, changing the subject.
"Xander. What about Buffy?" Jesse asks.
Xander is silent. "What about her? She's my friend. I'd do anything for her."
Jesse stares at him.
"Damn, man, what's this all about?" Xander demands.
"You haven't been thinking about these things, Xander, you've been pushing your emotions aside for so long that you don't know what's going on inside your own head! Look what happened with Anya!"
Xander sighs. "Okay, okay. Buffy couldn't care less about me. Willow is her best friend and she tolerates me but she really doesn't know anything about me. She's the Slayer; she has lots of more important things on her mind besides me. If I were to die right now, she would possibly cry a little, but I would be forgotten in a matter of minutes."
"You really feel that way?" Jesse asks.
Xander shrugs. "Anya was the only one who ever loved me. She accepted me and loved me and I was too stupid to give her what she needed. I fucked up, Jesse, it's the thing I do best."
"You saved Willow. You didn't fuck that up," Jesse replies.
Xander is quiet. "You know what I think? I think she was just exhausted. I don't think she realizes how important she is in my life. Damn, Jess, my family is nonexistent, I have made these friends my family and they…they care just as little as my real family. I'm just too tired to try and start over. I couldn't…"
"I think you're wrong. I think they care about you, Xander…" Jesse starts.
"It's not the same. I'm the only one that doesn't belong. Everyone else has something to contribute, except me." Xander looks at Jesse, tilting his head. "Why are you doing this? I'm more depressed now than I was when I was dying."
"What about your family, Xander?" Jesse asks, quietly.
Xander gives his old friend a look. "You say you've been watching me. You should know."
"I want you to tell me," Jesse replies.
Xander sighs. "They're dead. My father got bitten by a vamp a few days after the disaster wedding and ended up killing my mother and her brother. I staked him when he came after me. I had to stake my mother and uncle a few days later."
"Did you tell anyone?" Jesse asks.
Xander shakes his head. "It wasn't anyone's business."
"Damn, Xander, you lost your entire family…"
"They weren't my family, not my real one. You grew up with me, man, you know how they were," Xander sighs.
"Xander…" Jesse starts.
"Damn, I guess I am kind of fucked up. If something happens to Willow, I really will be on my own," Xander says, thoughtful.
"Why didn't you tell Willow about it?" Jesse asks.
"She had just reconnected with Tara, I didn't want to stress her out…Jesse, what is all this about? Can you give me some kind of clue?"
Jesse smiles. "Nope. But you should be getting back. You've been asleep for a few days and Willow needs you. I'll talk to you again."
Before Xander can react, he feels a blanket of pain wash through him and he shivers. He opens his eyes and finds himself in the dark.
He sits up, disoriented and alone, but he relaxes when he recognizes his bedroom. His side is not as painful as when he was last conscious, the pain feels like acid in his veins. He remembers that Jesse said that Willow needed him so he shakily gets to his feet and goes to the door.
"Willow, no, Willow, you can't…" Dawn's voice is slightly hysterical through the door.
"Dawn, I can't do this, I just can't, let me go!" Willow replies.
Xander swings open the door and finds Dawn blocking the door with Willow trying to push her way out.
"What's wrong?" Xander asks, surprising them both.
"Willow's…" Dawn starts.
Willow turns away from Dawn and hurries to Xander, embracing him.
"Xander…I can't do this, I can't go through this again…please…" Willow pleads. Xander catches a glance from Dawn and he nods. Dawn goes to the phone as Xander pulls Willow into the bedroom.
"Willow, you can do this, and you will…what's going on?" Xander asks. Willow is pale and trembling, but in a lot better condition than when he last saw her.
"Xander, it's so hard…Tara's gone…you're sick…I did all those awful things…I need the magic, Xander, it's the only way I can keep going…" Willow breaths, desperation oozing from her pores.
Xander hugs her close to him. "Willow, I know you can do this. You don't need the magic. You're stronger than this. You have to stay strong, okay?"
"Xander…I can't…" Willow says, crying.
"Yes, you can…Willow, look at me…you are too good for this, you are too strong, you can do this!" Xander says.
Willow nods, finally. "Okay…okay…I'm better now that you're here…how are you? You've been asleep for three days, but you stopped glowing and your fever finally broke…"
"I'm better, Willow…" Xander interrupts.
Willow nods.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here for you…"
"Xander, it's not your fault…" Willow replies.
"But I'm here now, for a little while at least, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you well," Xander finishes.
"Talk to me…will you just talk to me?" Willow asks.
Xander smiles. "I'm used to you telling me to be quiet and now you're asking me to talk to you?"
"Yeah, it's been a while since we really talked. How have you been doing?" Willow asks. "Take my mind off all of this…how's your folks?"
Xander hesitates, thinking of Jesse's scolding.
"Xander? What is it?" Willow asks, reading his expression.
"You really want to know? It's not exactly cheerful," Xander sighs.
"Your family's never been cheerful, Xander. What's up?" Willow asks, concerned.
"Well…after the ill-fated wedding…my father was attacked by a gang of vampires…" Xander begins.
Willow gasps.
"He turned my mother and uncle. Then he came after me," Xander continues, avoiding her eyes.
"Xander…you didn't say anything…"
"I know, it was never a good time…" Xander starts.
"It's your parents…what happened?" Willow asks, concern lining her face.
Xander looks away.
"You…you staked them? Oh, Xander…" Willow says, she hugs him. "I can't believe you didn't say anything…"
"You know how they were, Willow, seeing them without a soul wasn't that big of a change…" Xander jokes, unsmiling.
"Are you okay?" Willow asks.
"Sure, I'm fine…it was a few weeks ago, actually…I should've said something…" Xander says.
"Said what?" Buffy asks, appearing with Giles in tow.
"Oh, Xander…that's so awful," Willow says, pulling him into another hug.
"What?" Buffy demands, worried.
"It's nothing, just something that happened a few weeks ago," Xander says. "But look at me, I'm conscious…what did I miss?"
"Just a bunch of worried Scoobies…how do you feel?" Buffy asks, looking at the two friends, concerned.
Xander glances at Willow, who is watching him carefully. "Fine…"
"Liar," Willow counters.
"Will?" Buffy asks.
"He's lying, you can see the pain in his eyes…Xander…" Willow replies, locking eyes with her childhood friend.
"Okay, okay…it feels like there's fire running through my veins…like I'm burning up from the inside…but…" Xander starts.
"Tell them what you just told me, Xander," Willow says.
"Willow, it's fine, it's not a big deal…" Xander says, flushing from the attention.
"It must be important if it's got Willow so upset," Giles says.
Xander is overcome by a wave of nausea, but he recovers after a few moments. "Can you fill them in, Wills? I need to go to the bathroom…"
"Willow, what is it?" Buffy demands, as Giles helps Xander to the bathroom.
"His parents, they're dead," Willow says.
"Dead? What happened? When?" Buffy asks, alarmed.
"Vampires turned his dad, then his dad turned his mom and uncle…he staked them when they came after him…" Willow whispers. "He acts like it's no big deal…it happened weeks ago, Buffy…how could he not tell me? How could he not tell anybody?"
"Are you serious? He had to kill his own parents?" Buffy gasps. Dawn has joined them.
"Xander's parents were turned? Oh god, when?" Dawn asks. "They were just at the wedding!"
"After the wedding…he said it was a few weeks ago…he didn't tell anyone…" Willow says, still shocked.
"Why did he tell you, now?" Dawn asks.
"I asked how his family was and he told me…they're dead…my god…" Willow is stunned. "Is it just me, or do our lives suck?"
Buffy leaves Dawn with Willow and finds Giles waiting outside the bathroom.
"What is it?" Giles asks, wincing at the sound of Xander retching inside the bathroom.
"Xander's parents were turned. Vamps. He killed them. He didn't say anything, it had to have happened weeks ago…Giles, its like we don't even know each other," Buffy starts. "I mean, we used to be so close, the three of us, but now, all this stuff is happening and we can't even talk to each other…"
Giles puts an arm around her. "Buffy, you all have done the best that you could do under these circumstances…he killed his parents?" Giles asks, lowering his voice.
The door to the bathroom opens. "I think that we should be more worried about Willow right now…" Xander says.
"But, Xander…" Buffy starts.
"I shouldn't have said anything…I didn't know it would turn into a pity-fest…Willow was trying to leave when I woke up…she was trying to get past Dawn so she could get a fix. I don't know how long I'm going to be here…"
"Xander, what are you talking about?" Buffy asks, sensing something.
Xander sighs. "While I was unconscious, I was somewhere else."
"Where?" Giles asks.
"I don't know. Like limbo or something…I was talking to Jesse…"
"Jesse?" Buffy asks, confused.
"Jesse. You don't remember him, I'm sure, but he's dead…I don't think I'm going to be okay, just yet, from what he was saying…and I honestly…I feel like shit…" Xander admits.
"Xander…what did Jesse tell you?" Buffy asks, confused.
"A lot of stuff. Nothing that would be useful of course, just crazy stuff…" Xander starts, his focus drifting as his eyes glaze.
"Xander? Are you okay?" Buffy asks.