Bakura:

Master Backseat

Driver from the Stars

and

Beyond!

By:

SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Chapter Three is here! You may all celebrate. Go on. Dance. Okay, enough of that. Well, I just have a few things to say. I don't know if they give you money for blood donations. But for the sake of the story, they do now. Oh, and for those who don't know, "Kawaita Sakebi" is the first season opening of Yu-Gi-Oh. Um, that's it.

Disclaimer: Like I said before, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. I don't own Band-Aids either, not even the ouch-free kind. Oh, and I don't own the Twilight Zone. That's it.

Chapter Three: We Don't Swing That Way.

They had been driving for hours, and the sun was starting to set. Ryou looked around nervously.

"Do you have any idea where we are?" he asked. Bakura shrugged.

"Japan?"

"I KNOW THAT!"

"Hey, you were the one who asked! Don't get all bitchy with me."

Ryou started to panic. "If we don't get home by tomorrow, I'm going to miss my driving test! I can't miss it!"

"Relax, we'll get home. But I doubt we'll make it in time. You can reschedule it, right?"

Ryou frowned. "Yes, but I'd rather not. They get really mad and start asking you 'why?'. I can't stand that."

"You see! You can reschedule it!" Bakura replied, obviously ignoring what Ryou just said. Ryou sighed and looked at his watch. 8:23. It was going to be a long night.

"You want me to drive for a while?" Ryou asked. Bakura yawned, then nodded. They pulled over to the side of the road and switched places.

"Don't got to sleep on me, Yami. I want someone to talk to."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Bakura yawned again, then turned on the radio.

"And now, "Kawaita Sakebi"." The radio host announced. An upbeat, catchy Japanese song blasted through the speakers. Bakura frowned.

"What is this crap?" Bakura asked disgustedly. He changed to a different radio station where heavy metal music played. Bakura smiled.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" he cried and started banging his head to the music.

Ryou sighed. It was going to be a really long night.

***

It was three hours later. Bakura had started to whine.

"Can we pull over for the night?" he, well, whined. Ryou sighed.

"Well, I guess. We don't seem to be getting anywhere near home. We certainly aren't going to make it home by tomorrow for my driving test." Ryou replied and pulled over to the side. They had long since drove out of the city, and now there was nothing but countryside on either side. Ryou turned off the engine.

"G'night." Bakura grumbled.

"Yami?" Ryou said after a few minutes.

"What?" Bakura snapped, irritated.

"Tell me a story."

"What kind of story?"

"A bedtime story." Ryou answered. Bakura thought for a minute.

"Once upon a time there lived a prince. He was very happy, because he…ruled a lot of stuff. One day he found a black spot on his face. But, he ignored it. And at the end of the month he died of cancer. The end."

Ryou frowned. "That wasn't a very nice story."

"Yeah, well, nothing is nice about cancer, my naïve-little Aibou."  Bakura pointed out.

Ryou shook his head. "Good night, Yami."

"G'night!"

***

Bakura woke up just as the sun was coming up. He looked over to Ryou, who stirred slightly and fell forward.

"DAMNIT!" he screamed as his head slammed into the dashboard. Bakura laughed.

Ryou looked up, rubbing his forehead and grumbling. He glared at Bakura.

"What are you laughing at?!" he growled irritably.

"It's just that I've never heard you curse before!"

"Yeah, well, the dashboard provoked me." Ryou mumbled sarcastically. The sound of sirens caused Bakura to look behind them.

"Cops." Bakura pointed out indifferently. Ryou's face paled.

"W-what?"

"Some cops just pulled out in back of us. Why, what's the matter?" Bakura asked, noticing Ryou's worried look.

"Well, what we're doing isn't exactly legal." Ryou explained. Bakura looked confused.

"How come?"

"Well, I only have a learner's permit. That means I'm only allowed to drive with a licensed adult. First, you are not an adult. And second, you're not exactly Perfect Driver McGee, now are you? Do you understand?"

Bakura took on Ryou's worried look as the police officer tapped on the window. Bakura rolled it down. 

"W-what seems to be the problem, Officer?" Ryou stammered. The policeman leaned over and put his elbow in the car.

"You two boys all right?" he questioned. Ryou put on a fake smile, and then elbowed Bakura in the side. Bakura shrieked, but put on a fake smile also.

"We're okay. Yep, we're fine and dandy. Yes-sir-re-Bob, we're just great, and certainly not doing anything illegal." Ryou shoved his elbow into Bakura's side again.

"Please excuse my friend here, Officer, he's 'mentally incapacitated'. Yes, we're fine. Is anything wrong?" Ryou asked.

"Well, when I saw a parked car out here, I decided to check it out. You two sure you're okay?" The policeman replied suspiciously.

Ryou smiled  "Yes, we're fine, we just pulled over last night because we got tired." The policeman lowered his sunglasses and looked back and forth between them.

"What are you two, twins?"

Bakura narrowed his eyes. "No."

"Brothers?"

"No."

"Gay?" The officer concluded. Bakura felt ready to explode.

"No, we are not gay!" he snapped. The policeman pushed up his sunglasses.

"Can I see your license and registration, young man?" he ordered Ryou. Ryou nervously reached into his pocket and held out his learner's permit. The policeman studied it, and handed it back to him. He then looked at Bakura. "Can I see your license, sir?" he asked cynically. Bakura paled.

"M-my license? Oh, you want my license. Well, you see, it's in my other pocket and- DRIVE!" he screamed at Ryou. Ryou slammed down on the gas pedal before the officer could stop them. He waddled back to his car, jumped into the seat and began chasing them.

In our hero's car, however, a plan was being calculated.

"Yami, we do not need car chase music!"

"Oh, come on! That's one of the things wrong with real life, there's no theme music!" Bakura argued, fiddling with the radio. He stopped at a radio station where they were playing a fast-paced song with beat. He frowned.

"Well, this will have to do."

"Forget the theme music! What are we going to do?" Ryou screamed. Bakura thought for a minute.

"Okay, first I take a match and set his car on fire." He began.

"No fires."

Bakura frowned. "Fine." He thought some more. "Well, if we did set his car on fire…"

"No fires!" Ryou repeated. Bakura thought longer. He suddenly snapped his fingers together.

"I've got it!"

"NO FIRES!"

Bakura slumped back in his seat, disappointed. "Okay, plan two."

"Since when did we have a plan two?!" Ryou yelled sharply.

"Since I thought of a plan two. Okay, all you have to do is cut through this field." Bakura pointed to a field on the left.

"What?! We can't cross through a field! And what makes you so sure we'll get away from the police by going that way?" Ryou shrieked skeptically.

"Didn't you see how crappy that police car was?! It's got to be one week from retirement!" Bakura pointed out.

"Excuse me, Mr. Let's Point Out The Obvious, but I didn't pay too much attention to his car, I was too busy looking at his gun!" he screamed. Bakura frowned.

"What are you, gay?"

"Oh my God, FINE!" Ryou turned sharply into the field. The police car also turned in pursuit, but the older car couldn't handle the rugged terrain. Bakura leaned out of the window just in time to see the policeman jump out of the car throw his hat on the ground. He smiled.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME GAY!" he called. Ryou grabbed his belt and pulled him back in. Bakura smiled evilly.

"Hey, if you wanted to get in my pants, all you had to do was ask."

"YAMI!" Ryou screamed. Bakura laughed.

"Hey, I was just kidding, don't get your panties in a knot, my girly-little Aibou."

Ryou shook his head. They cleared the field and ended up on a dirt road.

"Now, all we have to do is follow this road and we'll be home." Bakura said cheerfully.

Ryou raised his eyebrow. "How do you know?"

Bakura shrugged. "I'm psychic."

"What- no you're not!"

"Sure I am!"

Ryou shook his head. "Fine, tell me what I'm thinking right now. And don't try reading my mind, because I'm putting up a mental block."

Bakura looked horrified. "You can't do that! We're telepathy-buddies!"

"Don't worry, I won't leave it up for long."

Bakura stared at his Aibou for a long time. "You are thinking about how good I look in these leather pants, right?"

Ryou shook his head. "No. Besides, Yuugi's Yami looks much better in leather than you do."

"Take that back!"

"Calm down, Yami. I like you better than Yuugi's Yami. Besides, I think he's gay." Ryou laughed.

Bakura smiled. "You thought so, too?" Bakura and Ryou both looked at each other and laughed insanely. Bakura suddenly pointed.

"Hey, look! It's a city! Great, now we can get out and stretch. I don't know about you, but my legs are cramping and I can't feel my butt anymore." Bakura whined.

"Yeah, and you still smell like pancakes." Ryou pointed out.

Bakura thought about this. "How much does new clothes cost?"

"More than we have. We'll just have to find a laundry mat. Ah! There's one!" Ryou pulled over and parked in front of a small laundry mat at the corner of the street. They both jumped out of the car and stretched. Bakura stopped for a moment.

"Hey, Aibou?"

"Yes?"

"If we're going to wash our clothes, what are we going to wear?"

***

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Bakura groaned. Ryou and him were sitting side-by-side on a bench in the laundry mat wearing nothing but their boxers.

"Come on, Yami, its not so bad. Besides, no one is in here but us and that weird cashier lady."

Bakura turned around to see the weird cashier lady, who was really really old and really really creepy. She smiled at him, and he noticed she had no teeth. He shuddered.

"Man, I could get lost in her wrinkles." He hopped off the bench and walked over to the fabric softener dispenser.

"Fabric softener is ten cents extra?" Bakura shook his head and wandered back to Ryou, who was reading the newspaper.

"I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. Microsoft went down three points yesterday. People got to start saving money." Ryou explained. Bakura looked confused.

"What the Hell are you talking about?"

"Stocks." Ryou replied.

"Oh." Bakura said, obviously clueless about what stocks are. He sat back down.

"I'm going to get us a cart, okay?" Ryou stood up. "Don't touch any of the buttons on the washer."

"But what if I have to?" Bakura asked.

"You won't have to."

"…But what if I want to?"

Ryou sighed. "Just don't, okay?" He turned to walk away. Bakura reached over slowly.

"Don't touch the buttons!" Ryou shouted. Bakura sat back down, disappointed. Ryou walked back over with a cart and sat down next to Bakura.

"Don't sit so close to me!" Bakura complained, still mad that he couldn't touch the buttons.

"But I'm cold!"

"Then sit on a dryer!"

"Fine! And you know what, I hope your leather shrinks!" Ryou screamed, got up and sat on the edge of the bench. They sat that way for a while before Bakura got up and sat next to Ryou. Ryou looked over at him.

"I'm cold." Bakura pouted. Ryou smiled and pulled him towards him, hugging him. Bakura hugged him back and he noticed the cashier lady smiling her toothless smile. Bakura shuddered.

"Ugh, wrinkles…" Bakura mumbled. Ryou looked at him strangely.

"What?"

"Nothing." Bakura mumbled again.

"When the clothes are done, you can set the dryer, okay?"

"Okay…" Bakura murmured and fell asleep.

Ryou smiled at him. "Aww, I can't stay mad at you."

***

"Yami…?"

"What?" Bakura groaned, waking up. Ryou sat looking at him.

"You can set the dryer now."

Bakura looked around him to see about ten other people in the laundry mat. They were all going about their business, but they kept looking over at him and smiling.

"What is this, laundry day?" he grumbled angrily.

"I guess so. They've been asking if I was gay for a half an hour." Ryou answered.

"And that old lady is still smiling at me! Where are we, the Twilight Zone?" he shouted angrily as he set the dryer. He turned towards the old lady's direction. "And quit looking at me!" he screamed, pointing at her. She continued smiling at him, as if she never heard. Bakura choked back an angry scream.

"Aibou, we're getting out of here!"

"But our clothes aren't dry!"

"Then we're wearing 'em wet!"

Ryou shook his head. "Just, just sit down, Yami."

Some guy at the washer next to them smiled.

" 'Yami'? It that some kind of pet name you have for him?" he asked, grinning.

"No! Wait, I mean yes…wait, I don't know!" Ryou stammered. Bakura glared at the man.

"Hey! Did I say you could talk to my Aibou?" Bakura yelled. The guy grinned wider.

" 'Aibou'? What are you two, gay?"

Bakura twitched.

***

"Woo, I'm glad to get out of there!" Bakura exclaimed, breathing a sigh of relief.

Ryou laughed. "I still don't believe what you did to that guy!"

"Yeah, who could forget that?" Bakura grinned.

"It blows my mind!" Ryou and Bakura looked at each other and laughed. Ryou slowly pulled out of the parking lot. Bakura turned to look out the window.

"My Ra, that old lady is still smiling at me! What's with this place?!" Bakura asked disgustedly.

"You're really paranoid, you know that?" Ryou told Bakura. Bakura looked at him repulsively.

"I'm hungry." Bakura whined.

"Tough."

"What?"

"We have no money."

Bakura slumped back in his seat. "But I'm hungry!"

"Then eat the seat! God knows you ate Anzu's cooking last week. It can't taste much different." Ryou replied. Bakura frowned.

"Hey, she tricked me!"

"Why did you go over there, anyway?" Ryou asked.

"It wasn't my fault! She said she had cable." Bakura answered.

"She does have cable."

Bakura perked up. "She does? Let's go to Anzu's!"

"We're not going to Anzu's. Besides, we have cable too." Ryou replied. Bakura looked nervous.

"Uh, not anymore." Ryou glared at him.

"Did you get in a fight with the cable company again?" he asked angrily.

"Kinda."

" 'Kinda'?" Ryou questioned. Bakura thought for a minute.

"Well, yeah." Bakura concluded. Ryou put a hand over his forehead before noticing a sign on a building. He snapped his fingers together.

"That's where we can get some money for food!" Ryou exclaimed, pointing to the sign. Bakura frowned.

"Blood drive? What's that?" he asked.

"You give them blood, and they give you money." Ryou answered.

"Are they vampires?" Bakura whispered. Ryou blinked.

"What? No! They send it to hospitals so people can get blood transfusions." Ryou explained. Bakura sighed with relief.

"Wait, what's a blood transfusion?" Bakura asked.

"When people get your blood put into them."

Bakura looked horrified. "That's…disgusting."

Ryou nodded. "Yeah, and that's why you're doing it and not me."

"But-why me?!" Bakura screeched.

"Because you look older than me, and I have an irrational fear of needles." Ryou answered.

"What-no you don't!"

Ryou shoved him out of the car.

"Okay, I'll come back in ten minutes! I'm just going to drive around the block for a while! See you!" Ryou smiled and drove off, leaving Bakura all alone. Bakura grumbled and walked up to the lady in front of the building. She smiled as he approached.

"Hi! Are you interested in giving blood?" she chirped.

"No, but I'm going to give some anyway."

She smiled. "Okay. Before you give blood, though, you have to fill out this form." She handed a piece of paper to Bakura, along with a pencil. He looked down at it and started filling it out.

Blood Donation Form

Name: Yami Bakura

Occupation: Tomb Raider

Age: 5,015 years old, give or take a few years

Sex: Yeah, defiantly want some of that

Have you ever had sexual intercourse with a woman before?

Oh yeah, there was this one girl, Nauhatali, who sold pottery in the village I used to live in. She was totally in love with me. Yeah, she was a slut.

Have you ever had sexual intercourse with a man before?

At this, Bakura snapped the pencil in half.

"Even the paper mocks me!" he yelled. The lady looked up.

"Is there a problem?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No. I'm done." He handed the form back to her. Without even looking at it, she placed it in a folder. She smiled at him.

"Okay, go right through the door."

***

Ryou drove up ten minutes later to an angry Bakura sitting on the sidewalk with a Band-Aid on his arm and a paper cup of orange juice. Ryou leaned over and opened his door for him.

"Well howdy, Mr. Pouty. What's the matter, did they forget to give you a lollipop?" Ryou joked. Bakura sat down and slammed the door.

"They asked me if I was gay!" Bakura shouted.

"Are you sure?" Ryou asked.

"The had me fill out this form and one of the question asked me if I ever had sex with a guy before!"

Ryou laughed. "Yami, they're supposed to ask you that. It's standard procedure. They didn't ask you if you were gay."

Bakura slumped into his seat fuming.

"They have good orange juice, though." He said, taking a sip.

"Let me try some!" Ryou reached over and tried some. "Hey, that is good! You think it's concentrate?"

Bakura shrugged. "Nah, I think it's freshly squeezed. We should buy some freshly squeezed orange juice when we get home."

Ryou looked around.

"Yeah, if we ever get home."

-----------------

(A/N)

End-O-Chapter Three! Will they ever get home? And what's with the creepy old fat guy who has the hots for Ryou? Find out in the next and last chapter! Chapter Four; "Don't You Touch Him!"

Until the future happens (which it often does), LOVE, PEACE, and other such concepts.