Disclaimer: Still not mine, still Tolkien's. Pop culture references not
mine either, nor brand names.
Author's Warning: this chapter deals with something I have always wanted to see addressed in fanfic, but never have.. The title is a hint. Please r/r, I have GOT to know what others think of this insanity.
A Call of Nature and a Stroke of Luck
Mary Sue had been trudging through hell for a thousand years. Make that ten thousand years. Or an eon. Or an epoch. Or eternity. Or….."Oh hell, I've run out of time spans!" she muttered to herself. She was trying desperately to keep her spirits up, and failing miserably. Nothing was going her way, absolutely nothing at all. "A pox on Tolkien for creating this!" she screamed to the gloomy sky.
She kept walking, same as she'd been doing for the last several hours, no food, no water, nothing but sinkholes to avoid and boulders to maneuver around. To add insult to injury, this entire time last night's pizza and beer had been making their way through her digestive system. Now, nature was calling in a big way.
Mary Sue had done her fair share of partying in the woods, so going outside didn't bother her. What bothered her was that this wasn't the woods. There were no trees anywhere. No trees meant no leaves, and since she hadn't had the option of grabbing niceties like toilet paper before waking to find herself unceremoniously dumped into the worst sort of cheesy fanfic, the lack was a major problem. She did her best to ignore her body's demands, but as time went on, the discomfort grew unbearable.
Finally, the call of nature could not be denied. Squeamishness was simply no longer an option, and Mary Sue was forced to find a suitable place to go. She picked a likely-looking group of boulders, dropped her drawers and reluctantly did her business. Once done, she paused, longing for a leaf, or better yet, some Charmin. In the end, she improvised. While scraping her ass on a rock was neither comfortable nor particularly hygienic, it was better than the alternative. "The next time I have to wind up in fangirl story, PLEASE can't it be Star Wars or Star Trek or something with indoor plumbing???" she cried to the Powers That Be.
The unpleasant necessities of life attended to, Mary Sue yanked her pants into place. They had an odd weight to them, and something bumped her leg as she pulled them up. She reached into the thigh pocket of her cargoes, and pulled out an engraved hip flask, a joke gift from a friend. She had totally forgotten stuffing it into her pocket last night, after a rousing game of Quarters. Opening the flask, Mary Sue discovered-joy of joys!- a pint bottle of Jose Cuervo. It was nearly empty, of course, for Mary Sue always played to lose at Quarters, but when she pulled out the bottle, she found a good shot-and-a-half of tequila still in the bottom. That sure as hell would make this ridiculous situation more bearable!. More importantly, she now had not one, but two containers to carry water in, assuming she ever found any. "If Sam and Frodo can find water in this godforsaken hell-hole, so can I! Here's to Uncle Jose," she told the flask, happily downing the tequila.
Much heartened, Mary Sue put the bottle back in the flask and replaced the whole thing back in her thigh pocket. Then, and only then, it finally occurred to her to check her other pockets. She'd been so busy bitching about the situation, she hadn't done as thorough a job assessing at as she'd first thought. She rolled her eyes in disgust at her own stupidity.
To be fair, there wasn't much aside from the flask. A couple of cough drops, some bottle caps, a nearly full pack of gum, a pen, last week's grocery list, which made her hungry to read, 83 cents, two tubes of Chapstick, and a comb, as well as the gloves she habitually kept in her sweater pocket. "Well, at least I can eat the cough drops, the gum and the Chapstick. And I may be filthy, smelly, starving and dehydrated, but I won't have bad hair," she told the rocks. She'd taken to doing a lot of that lately.
Her treasures repacked, minus a stick of gum currently in her mouth, Mary Sue set off again. She went more slowly this time, keeping ears and eyes open for any sign of water. She knew if she didn't find some soon, she'd die in this miserable pit.
She hunted for a long time, but eventually she heard a teeny, tiny trickle. Tracking the source of the sound was by no means easy. She grew frantic looking for it. Just as she was about to give up and indulge the breakdown she'd been putting off all day, Mary Sue very literally stepped into the puny stream. The thing was more puddle than stream and the water had a rancid taste, like warm, flat Miller Lite, but she drank gratefully nonetheless. Mary Sue had never been a godly woman, in fact that had been a source of contention with her ex-in-laws, but now she firmly believed not only in the existence of Deity, but that He/She/It/They were good, compassionate, and looking out for her. "Score one for Deus Ex Machina," she muttered.
Mary Sue drank till she could drink no more. Then, she filled both the tequila bottle and the flask, and splashed some water on her face. She stood to get her bearings, for all the good that did. Darkness had fallen, and she couldn't see two feet in front of her face. Mary Sue was hopelessly lost.
*Ok, so I lied, no canon characters in this chapter either. They'll appear soon, Mary Sue is as frustrated by their non-appearance as you are!
Author's Warning: this chapter deals with something I have always wanted to see addressed in fanfic, but never have.. The title is a hint. Please r/r, I have GOT to know what others think of this insanity.
A Call of Nature and a Stroke of Luck
Mary Sue had been trudging through hell for a thousand years. Make that ten thousand years. Or an eon. Or an epoch. Or eternity. Or….."Oh hell, I've run out of time spans!" she muttered to herself. She was trying desperately to keep her spirits up, and failing miserably. Nothing was going her way, absolutely nothing at all. "A pox on Tolkien for creating this!" she screamed to the gloomy sky.
She kept walking, same as she'd been doing for the last several hours, no food, no water, nothing but sinkholes to avoid and boulders to maneuver around. To add insult to injury, this entire time last night's pizza and beer had been making their way through her digestive system. Now, nature was calling in a big way.
Mary Sue had done her fair share of partying in the woods, so going outside didn't bother her. What bothered her was that this wasn't the woods. There were no trees anywhere. No trees meant no leaves, and since she hadn't had the option of grabbing niceties like toilet paper before waking to find herself unceremoniously dumped into the worst sort of cheesy fanfic, the lack was a major problem. She did her best to ignore her body's demands, but as time went on, the discomfort grew unbearable.
Finally, the call of nature could not be denied. Squeamishness was simply no longer an option, and Mary Sue was forced to find a suitable place to go. She picked a likely-looking group of boulders, dropped her drawers and reluctantly did her business. Once done, she paused, longing for a leaf, or better yet, some Charmin. In the end, she improvised. While scraping her ass on a rock was neither comfortable nor particularly hygienic, it was better than the alternative. "The next time I have to wind up in fangirl story, PLEASE can't it be Star Wars or Star Trek or something with indoor plumbing???" she cried to the Powers That Be.
The unpleasant necessities of life attended to, Mary Sue yanked her pants into place. They had an odd weight to them, and something bumped her leg as she pulled them up. She reached into the thigh pocket of her cargoes, and pulled out an engraved hip flask, a joke gift from a friend. She had totally forgotten stuffing it into her pocket last night, after a rousing game of Quarters. Opening the flask, Mary Sue discovered-joy of joys!- a pint bottle of Jose Cuervo. It was nearly empty, of course, for Mary Sue always played to lose at Quarters, but when she pulled out the bottle, she found a good shot-and-a-half of tequila still in the bottom. That sure as hell would make this ridiculous situation more bearable!. More importantly, she now had not one, but two containers to carry water in, assuming she ever found any. "If Sam and Frodo can find water in this godforsaken hell-hole, so can I! Here's to Uncle Jose," she told the flask, happily downing the tequila.
Much heartened, Mary Sue put the bottle back in the flask and replaced the whole thing back in her thigh pocket. Then, and only then, it finally occurred to her to check her other pockets. She'd been so busy bitching about the situation, she hadn't done as thorough a job assessing at as she'd first thought. She rolled her eyes in disgust at her own stupidity.
To be fair, there wasn't much aside from the flask. A couple of cough drops, some bottle caps, a nearly full pack of gum, a pen, last week's grocery list, which made her hungry to read, 83 cents, two tubes of Chapstick, and a comb, as well as the gloves she habitually kept in her sweater pocket. "Well, at least I can eat the cough drops, the gum and the Chapstick. And I may be filthy, smelly, starving and dehydrated, but I won't have bad hair," she told the rocks. She'd taken to doing a lot of that lately.
Her treasures repacked, minus a stick of gum currently in her mouth, Mary Sue set off again. She went more slowly this time, keeping ears and eyes open for any sign of water. She knew if she didn't find some soon, she'd die in this miserable pit.
She hunted for a long time, but eventually she heard a teeny, tiny trickle. Tracking the source of the sound was by no means easy. She grew frantic looking for it. Just as she was about to give up and indulge the breakdown she'd been putting off all day, Mary Sue very literally stepped into the puny stream. The thing was more puddle than stream and the water had a rancid taste, like warm, flat Miller Lite, but she drank gratefully nonetheless. Mary Sue had never been a godly woman, in fact that had been a source of contention with her ex-in-laws, but now she firmly believed not only in the existence of Deity, but that He/She/It/They were good, compassionate, and looking out for her. "Score one for Deus Ex Machina," she muttered.
Mary Sue drank till she could drink no more. Then, she filled both the tequila bottle and the flask, and splashed some water on her face. She stood to get her bearings, for all the good that did. Darkness had fallen, and she couldn't see two feet in front of her face. Mary Sue was hopelessly lost.
*Ok, so I lied, no canon characters in this chapter either. They'll appear soon, Mary Sue is as frustrated by their non-appearance as you are!