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Of Stubbed Toes and Big Blue Eyes
Mary Sue let loose a stream of obscenities that would make a convention of sailors, marines and truck drivers blush. Then she went back and did it again in Russian, and once more in Portuguese, each time growing more vile in her descriptions. She cursed the darkness, she cursed Mordor, she cursed Tolkien, his parents, Houghton-Mifflin, Peter Jackson, his parents, New Line Cinema, Middle-Earth, the rocks, the Ring, the hangover she still wasn't completely over, basically she cursed any and everything even remotely related to this stupid situation. Most of all, however, she cursed the still-missing hobbits. She'd been walking all stinking day, endured indignity, discomfort, and an endless parade of untalkative rocks, all on the theory she was here to help those miserable little bastards with their mission to destroy the Ring. Except said miserable little bastards hadn't had the grace to turn the hell up yet!
"This ISN'T the way this shit is supposed to work, dammit!!" Mary Sue yelled at the ever-faithful rocks. "The heroine is SUPPOSED to save the Fellowship, win the day and get transported home as mysteriously as she arrived! THAT'S how these stupid stories work! Then again, in these stupid stories, Mary Sue is 15, lands in Rivendell and Legolas falls in love with her. I am not 15, this is not Rivendell, and you are most certainly not Legolas!" she screamed, punctuating her tirade with a kick for the poor rock. The rock took no notice, but her toes protested.
"That settles it!" she muttered through gritted teeth once she was finished with the required hop-around-and-swear portion of badly stubbed toes. "I quit. One day here is one too many. I'm just gonna lie down right here, curl up and pass out. With anything like good luck, I'll wake up back in my living room with the cat licking my face."
Darkness had brought cold to Mordor, so she put her sweater back on, tugged on her gloves, sipped a miniscule amount of her precious water, and lay down right where she was. She was so exhausted, she fell immediately asleep.
She was awakened several hours later by someone stepping on her hand. She bellowed, leapt to her feet, grabbed her assailant and slammed him against a rock, all in one move before she was fully awake. Imagine her surprised, once her brain caught up to her body, to see a pair of beautiful blue eyes staring up at her, very big, very haunted and currently very fearful. Even more surprising was something short beating at her hips and arms, shouting "Let him go!"
"Frodo?" Mary Sue asked in wonder. "Sam?"
"You know our names?" Big Blue eyes inquired softly, still in her grip. She nodded stupidly while Sam continued to try and make her drop Frodo. Deep in her heart, she honestly hadn't expected to really meet these two. Despite all her bitching, despite evidence to the contrary, Mary Sue still believed she was dreaming. Now that they had finally turned up, her brain flat-out refused to cope. It finally indulged the long-overdue total shut down. She fainted.
Of Stubbed Toes and Big Blue Eyes
Mary Sue let loose a stream of obscenities that would make a convention of sailors, marines and truck drivers blush. Then she went back and did it again in Russian, and once more in Portuguese, each time growing more vile in her descriptions. She cursed the darkness, she cursed Mordor, she cursed Tolkien, his parents, Houghton-Mifflin, Peter Jackson, his parents, New Line Cinema, Middle-Earth, the rocks, the Ring, the hangover she still wasn't completely over, basically she cursed any and everything even remotely related to this stupid situation. Most of all, however, she cursed the still-missing hobbits. She'd been walking all stinking day, endured indignity, discomfort, and an endless parade of untalkative rocks, all on the theory she was here to help those miserable little bastards with their mission to destroy the Ring. Except said miserable little bastards hadn't had the grace to turn the hell up yet!
"This ISN'T the way this shit is supposed to work, dammit!!" Mary Sue yelled at the ever-faithful rocks. "The heroine is SUPPOSED to save the Fellowship, win the day and get transported home as mysteriously as she arrived! THAT'S how these stupid stories work! Then again, in these stupid stories, Mary Sue is 15, lands in Rivendell and Legolas falls in love with her. I am not 15, this is not Rivendell, and you are most certainly not Legolas!" she screamed, punctuating her tirade with a kick for the poor rock. The rock took no notice, but her toes protested.
"That settles it!" she muttered through gritted teeth once she was finished with the required hop-around-and-swear portion of badly stubbed toes. "I quit. One day here is one too many. I'm just gonna lie down right here, curl up and pass out. With anything like good luck, I'll wake up back in my living room with the cat licking my face."
Darkness had brought cold to Mordor, so she put her sweater back on, tugged on her gloves, sipped a miniscule amount of her precious water, and lay down right where she was. She was so exhausted, she fell immediately asleep.
She was awakened several hours later by someone stepping on her hand. She bellowed, leapt to her feet, grabbed her assailant and slammed him against a rock, all in one move before she was fully awake. Imagine her surprised, once her brain caught up to her body, to see a pair of beautiful blue eyes staring up at her, very big, very haunted and currently very fearful. Even more surprising was something short beating at her hips and arms, shouting "Let him go!"
"Frodo?" Mary Sue asked in wonder. "Sam?"
"You know our names?" Big Blue eyes inquired softly, still in her grip. She nodded stupidly while Sam continued to try and make her drop Frodo. Deep in her heart, she honestly hadn't expected to really meet these two. Despite all her bitching, despite evidence to the contrary, Mary Sue still believed she was dreaming. Now that they had finally turned up, her brain flat-out refused to cope. It finally indulged the long-overdue total shut down. She fainted.