Disclaimer: I don't own Frodo. I don't own Sam. They are canon
characters and belong to Tolkien. I don't own Mary Sue, either. She's a
cliché and belongs to the Cliché Fairy. I DO own a '95 Neon that needs
some work, if anyone's a good (and free!) mechanic.
Hobbits At Last! About @%#%$ Time!!!
"Careful, Mr. Frodo. You don't know who she is. She could be with the Enemy!"
"She's not."
"But how can you be sure? You don't know that."
"I'm sure. I just know."
Voices. Somebody was talking. Mary Sue heard the words, but they didn't make any sense, so she ignored them. Maybe they'd go away.
It worked, after a fashion. Instead of voices, she became aware of small hands patting her face. She batted feebly at what she thought was her kid, trying to wake her up. She didn't remember that the kid was at his father's for the weekend, and even if he had been home, she wasn't. She was in Mordor, but that tidbit hadn't registered in her mind yet.
The hands patted her cheek more insistently. Now the voice was back, murmuring, "Wake up. You cannot stay here, you must wake up."
"Oh, Mr. Frodo, DO be careful!" the other voice interjected.
Mary Sue wished they would both get lost. She rolled over, muttering "Go 'way. Leamme 'lone. Lemme sleep." As she rolled, she felt hard, stony ground instead of soft, comfortable bedding. Abruptly memory returned. She opened her eyes and sat bolt upright. "Oh Shit!" she exclaimed as she took in her surroundings yet again.
Just as she feared, she was still in Mordor, and it was still just as dreary, smelly and miserable as ever. Only now, there were a couple of hobbits staring down at her, one concerned, yet oddly distracted, the other plainly suspicious. They could only be Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee. Mary Sue was damned if they didn't look EXACTLY as they did in the frigging movie!
"Well, it's about time you two showed up!" she snarled as she stood and dusted herself off. "I've been wandering around this shithole all day, looking for you!"
"Looking for us?" Frodo echoed.
Mary Sue gave Frodo a Look. "Why the hell else would I be here? For the ambience?"
Sam pounced on that like a cat on a wounded bird. "You see, Mr. Frodo, she's been searching for us, to capture us, bring us back to Barad Dur and give the Ring to Sauron, I'll warrant!"
Mary Sue turned her Look on Sam. "Dammit, Samwise Gamgee, don't be more of an idiot than you have to! If I'd planned to drag your sorry little hobbit asses to Barad Dur, don't you think I'd've kicked the shit out of you by now?? In case you failed to notice, I'm bigger and meaner than the pair of you. All I'd have to do is crack your stupid heads together and out you go!" she bellowed, sounding frighteningly like Gandalf, though she didn't realize it. "That I didn't when I had the chance ought to clue you in that I'm on the side of the angels, for Chrissake!"
The hobbits didn't understand the slang, but Frodo at least got the gist of the tirade. "Let it go, Sam," he said. "I believe we can trust her."
Sam, for his part, didn't look happy at all, but he did shut up. He merely stood there, arms crossed, and glared.
Mary Sue shot Sam a disgusted look, but dropped the subject. She turned her attention to Frodo. "Where are we, anyway? I've already figured I'm in Mordor, but where exactly in Mordor?" she asked.
"You don't know?" the hobbit asked, incredulous.
She rolled her eyes at him in a 'save me from stupid questions' expression. "If I knew I wouldn't have to ask, would I?!?!?!" she snarled. Stress was making her bitchy.
"We are on the Plateau of Gorgoroth," Frodo replied quietly, overlooking this strange human's irritability. Actually, he was far too weary and burdened with thoughts of the Ring to care about it. Frodo was beyond caring about much of anything by that point.
"That's what I guessed," Mary Sue replied. She'd heard the defeated tone in Frodo's voice but didn't know what to do about it, so she ignored it. For now.
Sam could keep his silence no longer. "How could you not know where you are?" he demanded, his tone belligerent. "How did you get here? What do you want? Who are you, anyway?"
Mary Sue couldn't help but giggle at Sam's barrage of questions. He looked so cute, standing there all indignant and protective of Frodo. She resisted the urge to pick him up and cuddle him. Hell, she wanted to cuddle them both, but she didn't. Instead, she answered Sam's questions as best she could.
"I don't know where I am because I don't know how I got here. All I'm certain of is that I threw a monster party, got blasted, passed out and woke up here. That ugly-ass mountain clued me in that I was probably in Mordor. This dump matches the description in the books."
"Monster? Blasted? Did you hear that, Mr. Frodo? She IS with the Enemy!" Sam exclaimed.
"Dammit Sam, they're just expressions, common where I come from! 'Monster' means big and exciting, and 'blasted' means very very drunk. Jesus H. Christ, stop being so goddamn suspicious!" Mary Sue was beginning to find Sam Gamgee to be a royal pain in the ass.
Sam wasn't about to let things go, not with his master's life in the balance. He opened his mouth to berate Mary Sue, but Frodo stopped him with a gesture.
"Please forgive Sam his suspicions. We are in a dangerous place, on a dangerous mission," he said.
"Yeah, I know," she replied, softening. Something about this hobbit was very soothing, even haunted and troubled as he so obviously was. "I know all about the Ring, and the whole story. Probably more than you do, in fact."
"Then you have us at a disadvantage," Frodo commented. "For you know all about us, yet we do not even know your name, nor where you come from, nor why you're here."
She blushed, just realizing he was right, she was being stupid and inconsiderate. "My name is Mary Sue. I come from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away." She couldn't help but grin at that, though she knew the joke was lost on the hobbits. "As for why I'm here, I can only guess."
Frodo waited patiently for her to continue, Sam somewhat less so. He still did not trust this outlandish Big Person female. She ignored his glare and focused on Frodo.
"Do you remember when Gandalf told you there were other things in the world besides the will of evil?" she asked. He nodded, not even bothering to wonder how she knew that. "Well, I can only guess one of them sent me to help you. How the hell I'm supposed to accomplish that I haven't the foggiest. I don't think I can get home until the Ring is destroyed, though," Mary Sue sighed.
Frodo thought for a moment. "Then you must come with us to Mt. Doom," he said at last.
Sam was aghast. "Mr. Frodo, no! How do we know we can trust her?" he demanded. Mary Sue glared at him, ready to chew him a new asshole. She was growing very tired of this little prick.
Frodo forestalled a confrontation. "I trust her, Sam," he said simply. "I feel she must be here for a reason, and that taking her with us is the right thing to do. I still have no hope that we will return alive, but with her help, we may at least get there, if not back again." He turned those huge blue eyes up at Mary Sue. "Will you join us? I fear we have few supplies, but we will share what little we have."
Frodo was so cute, like a little lost puppy, that Mary Sue melted at that look. She was damned if she was gonna admit it even to herself, however. "Well, since by the conventions of fanfic that's what I'm here for, yes, I'll join you. Can't say I'm thrilled about the situation, but since I'm stuck here….." she trailed off, shrugging.
"She's not thrilled with the situation?" Sam thought to himself. "I think this is a terrible idea, maybe worse than relying on Gollum, and look where that got us!" Sam didn't speak aloud, recognizing the set expression on his master's face. He contented himself with a sour look.
"As far as supplies go," Mary Sue continued, "I don't have any food, but I have a couple containers of water. It will work out better if we all chip in. Oh, and I have some gum, too, if you want it." It should have occurred to her that hobbits wouldn't know what gum is, but it didn't.
She pulled out her tequila bottle, still mostly full of water. She took a sip to show it wasn't poisoned, throwing a glance at Sam as she did. She handed the bottle to Frodo. "Drink up. You look like you need it," she said.
Frodo drank and handed the bottle to Sam. He sniffed, shrugged, and sipped. The water was foul, obviously from Mordor, but not poison. He handed back to Mary Sue with a sheepish smile.
"Well," she said, replacing the bottle in her thigh pocket. "Shall we get this show on the road, then? I'd like to get this over and done with ASAP. I have a parent-teacher conference tomorrow. If I don't show up, my kid and my ex will both have kittens!" She began walking off toward Mt. Doom.
Frodo and Sam exchanged confused looks. "She talks very strangely, Mr. Frodo," Sam commented.
"That she does," Frodo replied. "Still, she is right, we must move on. We have a long way to go yet." Frodo sounded hopeless and defeated, but determined to complete his task. Sam looked at him with devoted smile. The two hobbits ran to catch up to Mary Sue, and the three of them continued on to Mt. Doom.
*Well, the hobbits FINALLY graced us with their appearance. I hope I didn't screw up their characterization too badly.
Hobbits At Last! About @%#%$ Time!!!
"Careful, Mr. Frodo. You don't know who she is. She could be with the Enemy!"
"She's not."
"But how can you be sure? You don't know that."
"I'm sure. I just know."
Voices. Somebody was talking. Mary Sue heard the words, but they didn't make any sense, so she ignored them. Maybe they'd go away.
It worked, after a fashion. Instead of voices, she became aware of small hands patting her face. She batted feebly at what she thought was her kid, trying to wake her up. She didn't remember that the kid was at his father's for the weekend, and even if he had been home, she wasn't. She was in Mordor, but that tidbit hadn't registered in her mind yet.
The hands patted her cheek more insistently. Now the voice was back, murmuring, "Wake up. You cannot stay here, you must wake up."
"Oh, Mr. Frodo, DO be careful!" the other voice interjected.
Mary Sue wished they would both get lost. She rolled over, muttering "Go 'way. Leamme 'lone. Lemme sleep." As she rolled, she felt hard, stony ground instead of soft, comfortable bedding. Abruptly memory returned. She opened her eyes and sat bolt upright. "Oh Shit!" she exclaimed as she took in her surroundings yet again.
Just as she feared, she was still in Mordor, and it was still just as dreary, smelly and miserable as ever. Only now, there were a couple of hobbits staring down at her, one concerned, yet oddly distracted, the other plainly suspicious. They could only be Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee. Mary Sue was damned if they didn't look EXACTLY as they did in the frigging movie!
"Well, it's about time you two showed up!" she snarled as she stood and dusted herself off. "I've been wandering around this shithole all day, looking for you!"
"Looking for us?" Frodo echoed.
Mary Sue gave Frodo a Look. "Why the hell else would I be here? For the ambience?"
Sam pounced on that like a cat on a wounded bird. "You see, Mr. Frodo, she's been searching for us, to capture us, bring us back to Barad Dur and give the Ring to Sauron, I'll warrant!"
Mary Sue turned her Look on Sam. "Dammit, Samwise Gamgee, don't be more of an idiot than you have to! If I'd planned to drag your sorry little hobbit asses to Barad Dur, don't you think I'd've kicked the shit out of you by now?? In case you failed to notice, I'm bigger and meaner than the pair of you. All I'd have to do is crack your stupid heads together and out you go!" she bellowed, sounding frighteningly like Gandalf, though she didn't realize it. "That I didn't when I had the chance ought to clue you in that I'm on the side of the angels, for Chrissake!"
The hobbits didn't understand the slang, but Frodo at least got the gist of the tirade. "Let it go, Sam," he said. "I believe we can trust her."
Sam, for his part, didn't look happy at all, but he did shut up. He merely stood there, arms crossed, and glared.
Mary Sue shot Sam a disgusted look, but dropped the subject. She turned her attention to Frodo. "Where are we, anyway? I've already figured I'm in Mordor, but where exactly in Mordor?" she asked.
"You don't know?" the hobbit asked, incredulous.
She rolled her eyes at him in a 'save me from stupid questions' expression. "If I knew I wouldn't have to ask, would I?!?!?!" she snarled. Stress was making her bitchy.
"We are on the Plateau of Gorgoroth," Frodo replied quietly, overlooking this strange human's irritability. Actually, he was far too weary and burdened with thoughts of the Ring to care about it. Frodo was beyond caring about much of anything by that point.
"That's what I guessed," Mary Sue replied. She'd heard the defeated tone in Frodo's voice but didn't know what to do about it, so she ignored it. For now.
Sam could keep his silence no longer. "How could you not know where you are?" he demanded, his tone belligerent. "How did you get here? What do you want? Who are you, anyway?"
Mary Sue couldn't help but giggle at Sam's barrage of questions. He looked so cute, standing there all indignant and protective of Frodo. She resisted the urge to pick him up and cuddle him. Hell, she wanted to cuddle them both, but she didn't. Instead, she answered Sam's questions as best she could.
"I don't know where I am because I don't know how I got here. All I'm certain of is that I threw a monster party, got blasted, passed out and woke up here. That ugly-ass mountain clued me in that I was probably in Mordor. This dump matches the description in the books."
"Monster? Blasted? Did you hear that, Mr. Frodo? She IS with the Enemy!" Sam exclaimed.
"Dammit Sam, they're just expressions, common where I come from! 'Monster' means big and exciting, and 'blasted' means very very drunk. Jesus H. Christ, stop being so goddamn suspicious!" Mary Sue was beginning to find Sam Gamgee to be a royal pain in the ass.
Sam wasn't about to let things go, not with his master's life in the balance. He opened his mouth to berate Mary Sue, but Frodo stopped him with a gesture.
"Please forgive Sam his suspicions. We are in a dangerous place, on a dangerous mission," he said.
"Yeah, I know," she replied, softening. Something about this hobbit was very soothing, even haunted and troubled as he so obviously was. "I know all about the Ring, and the whole story. Probably more than you do, in fact."
"Then you have us at a disadvantage," Frodo commented. "For you know all about us, yet we do not even know your name, nor where you come from, nor why you're here."
She blushed, just realizing he was right, she was being stupid and inconsiderate. "My name is Mary Sue. I come from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away." She couldn't help but grin at that, though she knew the joke was lost on the hobbits. "As for why I'm here, I can only guess."
Frodo waited patiently for her to continue, Sam somewhat less so. He still did not trust this outlandish Big Person female. She ignored his glare and focused on Frodo.
"Do you remember when Gandalf told you there were other things in the world besides the will of evil?" she asked. He nodded, not even bothering to wonder how she knew that. "Well, I can only guess one of them sent me to help you. How the hell I'm supposed to accomplish that I haven't the foggiest. I don't think I can get home until the Ring is destroyed, though," Mary Sue sighed.
Frodo thought for a moment. "Then you must come with us to Mt. Doom," he said at last.
Sam was aghast. "Mr. Frodo, no! How do we know we can trust her?" he demanded. Mary Sue glared at him, ready to chew him a new asshole. She was growing very tired of this little prick.
Frodo forestalled a confrontation. "I trust her, Sam," he said simply. "I feel she must be here for a reason, and that taking her with us is the right thing to do. I still have no hope that we will return alive, but with her help, we may at least get there, if not back again." He turned those huge blue eyes up at Mary Sue. "Will you join us? I fear we have few supplies, but we will share what little we have."
Frodo was so cute, like a little lost puppy, that Mary Sue melted at that look. She was damned if she was gonna admit it even to herself, however. "Well, since by the conventions of fanfic that's what I'm here for, yes, I'll join you. Can't say I'm thrilled about the situation, but since I'm stuck here….." she trailed off, shrugging.
"She's not thrilled with the situation?" Sam thought to himself. "I think this is a terrible idea, maybe worse than relying on Gollum, and look where that got us!" Sam didn't speak aloud, recognizing the set expression on his master's face. He contented himself with a sour look.
"As far as supplies go," Mary Sue continued, "I don't have any food, but I have a couple containers of water. It will work out better if we all chip in. Oh, and I have some gum, too, if you want it." It should have occurred to her that hobbits wouldn't know what gum is, but it didn't.
She pulled out her tequila bottle, still mostly full of water. She took a sip to show it wasn't poisoned, throwing a glance at Sam as she did. She handed the bottle to Frodo. "Drink up. You look like you need it," she said.
Frodo drank and handed the bottle to Sam. He sniffed, shrugged, and sipped. The water was foul, obviously from Mordor, but not poison. He handed back to Mary Sue with a sheepish smile.
"Well," she said, replacing the bottle in her thigh pocket. "Shall we get this show on the road, then? I'd like to get this over and done with ASAP. I have a parent-teacher conference tomorrow. If I don't show up, my kid and my ex will both have kittens!" She began walking off toward Mt. Doom.
Frodo and Sam exchanged confused looks. "She talks very strangely, Mr. Frodo," Sam commented.
"That she does," Frodo replied. "Still, she is right, we must move on. We have a long way to go yet." Frodo sounded hopeless and defeated, but determined to complete his task. Sam looked at him with devoted smile. The two hobbits ran to catch up to Mary Sue, and the three of them continued on to Mt. Doom.
*Well, the hobbits FINALLY graced us with their appearance. I hope I didn't screw up their characterization too badly.