Disclaimer—Due to technical difficulties within the author's imagination,
there will be no witty disclaimer in this installment. This is a
recording.
A Bad Attitude and Some Unlikely Truth, but No Hobbit Slash
Mary Sue didn't even bother dipping into her impressive-yet-useless multi-lingual repertoire of swears. She simply hauled her sorry self into a sitting position and sighed. All this Middle-Earth crap was getting her down. Her pants were soaked and torn, chilling her to the bone, and she was pretty certain the soaking was more than just water from the ruined flask and tequila bottle. How humiliating. She was also bruised in places she didn't know could be bruised, and her skin was as torn as her pants. Furthermore, she dearly wanted to know why she couldn't put her weight on her leg, even though the dislocated hip had been popped back in. To add insult to injury, she had a couple of hobbits staring up at her like the current disaster was her fault. Either that or they expected her to have some answers, which would be worse. It was hard to tell with hobbits sometimes.
In any case, Mary Sue was as clueless as clueless got. She was tired, wet, hurt and pissed off to boot, and having those sickeningly cute hobbit faces staring at her was NOT helping her mood any. Stupid hobbits. Why couldn't she have hooked up with Aragorn or Legolas, like the girls in fanfic were supposed to?? Dammit all to hell anyway!
"What are YOU lookin' at?" she snarled at the hobbits. She knew she shouldn't be taking her stress out on them, she just couldn't help herself. After all, they WERE the canon characters. If Tolkien had never written about them, she wouldn't be in this predicament!
Frodo acted like he didn't hear her. In actuality, he was wondering if he'd made a mistake inviting this strange woman on their quest. At the time, his heart had told him it was the right thing to do, but now he was not so sure. She was abrasive, combative and short tempered. She hinted at knowledge of the Ring, but would not say what she truly knew or how she knew it. When she DID speak, Frodo did not understand at least a third of her words. Her tone, and what he did understand, indicated a foul mouth to match her foul temper. No hobbit lass would talk so, nor lady elf, either. While he didn't know many Big People women, he suspected they also were not like this.
In any case, there was nothing to be done about it tonight. Perhaps in the morning a solution would present itself. Frodo didn't actually believe that, but it gave him something to focus on besides the Ring. He settled down to try and sleep.
Sam, who had been convinced from the beginning that Mary Sue was trouble, merely gave her a withering stare. He had so much he wanted to say, he didn't know where to start. So he said nothing, but his expression spoke volumes.
Mary Sue dropped her gaze, embarrassed and disgusted with herself. "Listen, guys, I…" she began. Then she stopped. What the hell could she tell them, really? That she was pissed off because she didn't belong here or want to be here? That she liked her fanfiction much better onscreen than in person? That she came from the future and wanted only to go back? That she knew about them because the story of their quest was a best- selling book and blockbuster movie? Like they'd believe that! Hobbits wouldn't even know what a movie was!
Frodo and Sam looked at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence. Mary Sue looked away, toward Mt. Doom, and muttered "Nevermind."
"No!" Sam surprised himself by saying. "I'll not 'nevermind'! There's something very odd about you and I mean to find out what it is!" He crossed his arms and glared sternly up at Mary Sue.
She had to suppress a giggle. A stern hobbit is a sight to behold, and a stern Samwise Gamgee doubly so. In the face of that Look, the "Never Give Out Too Much Information" theory seemed pointless and inconsiderate. Not to mention counterproductive. Mary Sue was getting the distinct impression that if she didn't cough up some answers soon, she'd wake to find the hobbits long gone. Since Mordor alone was a lot worse than Mordor with hobbits, she had to tell them something. As she couldn't think of anything else, it'd have to be the truth. Sigh.
"You're sure you want to know?" she asked. Frodo and Sam nodded. "You're not going to believe me," she warned.
"You won't know that until you tell us," Frodo commented.
"Good point," Mary Sue conceded. She took a deep breath. "I'm not sure where to start…"
"At the beginning?" Frodo interrupted impishly.
Mary Sue mock-glared at him. "Watch it, Baggins, you almost smiled there. And that'll just ruin your image."
"My image?" Frodo looked confused.
"Nevermind," she replied. Sam glared at her. She held up her hands defensively. "All right, all right, I'm telling, I'm telling! Don't kill me!"
Sam didn't even grace that with a reply. They just looked at her with those expectant hobbit expressions of theirs. Mary Sue sighed. The little bastards really were just too damn cute!
She took out her pack of gum and offered it around as she organized her thoughts. It took some time, as neither thinking nor organization were among Mary Sue's favorite things. She tended to avoid both by judicious application of drugs both legal and otherwise. Here and now, that wasn't an option. Finally she spoke.
"It's a little hard to explain where I come from. It's either very, very, very far in the future or another world entirely. Doesn't really matter which, because either way I'm not from Middle-Earth. And don't ask me how I got here because I honestly don't know. I really did just pass out drunk at a party and wake up here. Everything I told you is true, I just didn't tell you everything," she started.
"So tell us everything now," Sam interrupted.
Mary Sue gave Sam her best Death Glare. "I'm trying to! IF I may continue??" Sam nodded meekly.
"In my world, there was an author named J.R.R. Tolkien. He wrote a book called The Hobbit, which is about your uncle Bilbo's adventure with those dwarves and the dragon Smaug. He very briefly touched on Gollum and the finding of the Ring. Now, this book was a huge hit…"
"Hit?" Frodo interrupted. Mary Sue turned the Death Glare on him.
" A hit is something that's excessively popular. And if I'm going to have to explain every word I use that you don't get, we'll be here until Christmas! Just figure shit out from context and let me finish the goddamned story, willya??" Simply because Mary Sue decided to tell the truth didn't mean her attitude was improved any.
The hobbits nodded again, and she went on. "The popularity of The Hobbit lead to the writing of a sequel. The Lord of the Rings, which went on to become one of the most beloved books of the century. I myself have read it upwards of a dozen times. The Lord of the Rings tells all about the One Ring and the quest to destroy it. You're both mentioned directly by name. So's the rest of the Fellowship and everyone else remotely connected to the story. Everything that has happened to the whole bunch of you is in that book, descriptions, actions, feelings, choices, consequences, the works. Eventually, the book was made into a movie (Do NOT ask what a movie is, dammit!), and that spawned a host of what's called fanfiction. That's when people who like the book and/or movie write stories about the characters, meaning you. Now, one of the main themes in fanfiction is a truly vile thing called self-insertion. It's when someone from my world winds up mysteriously in yours, which is what we have here. So you see, I know all about you because I've read the book and seen the movie. Repeatedly."
Sam looked stunned at the idea that his thought of being part of a beloved story actually turned out to be true. Frodo was becoming uncharacteristically excited.
"So you know what has happened to the others? You know how to quest will end?" he asked.
Uh-oh. Mary Sue could see where this was going. Dammit, she KNEW she should have kept her big mouth shut!
She nodded very slowly. "Yeah, I do," she admitted at last. Well, what the hell else could she do, really?
Frodo opened his mouth to ask the Dread Question, but Mary Sue interrupted him. "Don't even ask me to tell you, hobbit, because I can't."
Frodo's expression fell so dramatically, she nearly spilled the beans then and there. She was SUCH a sucker for big blue eyes, especially on a cute, tortured hobbit who looked a lot like her son. Fortunately for the canon, her seldom-used better judgment was getting a workout lately, and prevented her from blabbing. She kept quiet.
Sam, however, didn't. In the face of this knew knowledge, and his master's obvious disappointment, he simply had to speak up. "Can't tell us? Or won't?" he challenged.
"Both," Mary Sue said firmly. "Can't in good conscience screw up the story by telling you and won't for the same reason. You two don't know what's going on for a reason and you're going to stay that way!! I am NOT willing to take away your choices and free will just because I've read the stinking book!"
"Not even if it will give Mr. Frodo hope?" Sam asked quietly, looking in concern at his master.
Ouch. That hurt. Lots. Mary Sue dealt with it they way she dealt with all emotional pain. She got pissy. "Listen, Gamgee, it's bad enough I'm here in the first place, fucking up the story with my mere presence! Why do you think I want you two to keep your mouths shut about that when you get back? Don't you think I'd LIKE to be a heroine, instead of who and what I really am?? Did it ever occur to you that this is the most excitement I've ever had in my life?? That meeting you two is very literally a dream come true?? I'd LOVE to save the day with my magical knowledge, but I won't because I REFUSE to fuck up the story any more than I absolutely have to!"
Frodo nodded dejectedly, and went back to his Ring-induced depression. Sam looked argumentative, but Mary Sue was having none of that. She was in full-out Mom Lecture Mode, and she was on a roll. "Don't even try to out-stubborn me, Samwise Gamgee, because it won't work. I'll help if I can (which I doubt since my being here seems completely pointless), but I am NOT telling you what happens! Period. You don't like it? Tough! Deal with it!" she crossed her arms, leaned back against a rock and looked stubborn.
Then she noticed the look on Frodo's face and softened just a little. She truly was a sucker for that hobbit. She made her way over to him, took his face in her hands and gently tilted it up so he had to look at her. Sam growled but stayed put.
"I'm really sorry, Frodo, but you have to deal with this shit in your own way, based on your own knowledge. It's just one of those things, you know, like you and only you having to be Ringbearer. Nobody can do this for you, not Sam, not Gandalf and certainly not me. Sucks, I know, but that's life." Mary Sue felt a twinge of déjà vu. She had given a similar lecture to her kid, not all that long ago. Damned hobbits really did bring out the maternal in her.
Right now the maternal in her, as well as the rest of her, was utterly exhausted. She yawned. The night was already well advanced when were forced to stop, and the discussion hadn't made it any younger. "Let's get some sleep, huh, guys? We have a lot of walking to do tomorrow." She didn't want to think that she might not be ABLE to walk tomorrow. Time to pull a Scarlet O'Hara and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Frodo sighed and lay down, shivering. Mary Sue, giant sucker that she was, lay down next to him and wrapped her arms around him, spoon-style. Just for warmth, of course. The excuse to cuddle the most adorable hobbit in existence had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Or so she lied to herself.
Sam cuddled up to Frodo on his other side. With Sam's cloak spread over them both and Mary Sue's big ugly-ass sweater stretched out over him, Frodo was nice and warm.
Mary Sue watched Sam snuggle closer to Frodo. A horrible thought occurred to her. She just had to say something. "I know this is cozy and all, but please, no hobbit slash!! My heart couldn't stand it."
Frodo and Sam exchanged puzzled glances. Frodo said it. "Slash?"
"Me and my big mouth," she complained. Now she had no choice but to give the hobbits as quick an explanation of slash fiction as possible. NOT an easy task.
Two pair of hobbit eyes grew wide with disbelief as she talked. "But that's…….it's……but I love Rosie Cotton!" Sam finally cried.
"I know, I know. I don't make up the stuff, I just see it. Be glad you're not Aragorn and Legolas!" she replied.
"ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS?!?!?!?!" Frodo exclaimed, astonished. "But Arwen…"
"I know, I know!! Just let it go, willya? Get some sleep," she instructed.
"People from your world are odd indeed," Frodo observed.
"Short stuff, you have NO idea!" Mary Sue replied. Eventually, they all fell asleep.
A Bad Attitude and Some Unlikely Truth, but No Hobbit Slash
Mary Sue didn't even bother dipping into her impressive-yet-useless multi-lingual repertoire of swears. She simply hauled her sorry self into a sitting position and sighed. All this Middle-Earth crap was getting her down. Her pants were soaked and torn, chilling her to the bone, and she was pretty certain the soaking was more than just water from the ruined flask and tequila bottle. How humiliating. She was also bruised in places she didn't know could be bruised, and her skin was as torn as her pants. Furthermore, she dearly wanted to know why she couldn't put her weight on her leg, even though the dislocated hip had been popped back in. To add insult to injury, she had a couple of hobbits staring up at her like the current disaster was her fault. Either that or they expected her to have some answers, which would be worse. It was hard to tell with hobbits sometimes.
In any case, Mary Sue was as clueless as clueless got. She was tired, wet, hurt and pissed off to boot, and having those sickeningly cute hobbit faces staring at her was NOT helping her mood any. Stupid hobbits. Why couldn't she have hooked up with Aragorn or Legolas, like the girls in fanfic were supposed to?? Dammit all to hell anyway!
"What are YOU lookin' at?" she snarled at the hobbits. She knew she shouldn't be taking her stress out on them, she just couldn't help herself. After all, they WERE the canon characters. If Tolkien had never written about them, she wouldn't be in this predicament!
Frodo acted like he didn't hear her. In actuality, he was wondering if he'd made a mistake inviting this strange woman on their quest. At the time, his heart had told him it was the right thing to do, but now he was not so sure. She was abrasive, combative and short tempered. She hinted at knowledge of the Ring, but would not say what she truly knew or how she knew it. When she DID speak, Frodo did not understand at least a third of her words. Her tone, and what he did understand, indicated a foul mouth to match her foul temper. No hobbit lass would talk so, nor lady elf, either. While he didn't know many Big People women, he suspected they also were not like this.
In any case, there was nothing to be done about it tonight. Perhaps in the morning a solution would present itself. Frodo didn't actually believe that, but it gave him something to focus on besides the Ring. He settled down to try and sleep.
Sam, who had been convinced from the beginning that Mary Sue was trouble, merely gave her a withering stare. He had so much he wanted to say, he didn't know where to start. So he said nothing, but his expression spoke volumes.
Mary Sue dropped her gaze, embarrassed and disgusted with herself. "Listen, guys, I…" she began. Then she stopped. What the hell could she tell them, really? That she was pissed off because she didn't belong here or want to be here? That she liked her fanfiction much better onscreen than in person? That she came from the future and wanted only to go back? That she knew about them because the story of their quest was a best- selling book and blockbuster movie? Like they'd believe that! Hobbits wouldn't even know what a movie was!
Frodo and Sam looked at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence. Mary Sue looked away, toward Mt. Doom, and muttered "Nevermind."
"No!" Sam surprised himself by saying. "I'll not 'nevermind'! There's something very odd about you and I mean to find out what it is!" He crossed his arms and glared sternly up at Mary Sue.
She had to suppress a giggle. A stern hobbit is a sight to behold, and a stern Samwise Gamgee doubly so. In the face of that Look, the "Never Give Out Too Much Information" theory seemed pointless and inconsiderate. Not to mention counterproductive. Mary Sue was getting the distinct impression that if she didn't cough up some answers soon, she'd wake to find the hobbits long gone. Since Mordor alone was a lot worse than Mordor with hobbits, she had to tell them something. As she couldn't think of anything else, it'd have to be the truth. Sigh.
"You're sure you want to know?" she asked. Frodo and Sam nodded. "You're not going to believe me," she warned.
"You won't know that until you tell us," Frodo commented.
"Good point," Mary Sue conceded. She took a deep breath. "I'm not sure where to start…"
"At the beginning?" Frodo interrupted impishly.
Mary Sue mock-glared at him. "Watch it, Baggins, you almost smiled there. And that'll just ruin your image."
"My image?" Frodo looked confused.
"Nevermind," she replied. Sam glared at her. She held up her hands defensively. "All right, all right, I'm telling, I'm telling! Don't kill me!"
Sam didn't even grace that with a reply. They just looked at her with those expectant hobbit expressions of theirs. Mary Sue sighed. The little bastards really were just too damn cute!
She took out her pack of gum and offered it around as she organized her thoughts. It took some time, as neither thinking nor organization were among Mary Sue's favorite things. She tended to avoid both by judicious application of drugs both legal and otherwise. Here and now, that wasn't an option. Finally she spoke.
"It's a little hard to explain where I come from. It's either very, very, very far in the future or another world entirely. Doesn't really matter which, because either way I'm not from Middle-Earth. And don't ask me how I got here because I honestly don't know. I really did just pass out drunk at a party and wake up here. Everything I told you is true, I just didn't tell you everything," she started.
"So tell us everything now," Sam interrupted.
Mary Sue gave Sam her best Death Glare. "I'm trying to! IF I may continue??" Sam nodded meekly.
"In my world, there was an author named J.R.R. Tolkien. He wrote a book called The Hobbit, which is about your uncle Bilbo's adventure with those dwarves and the dragon Smaug. He very briefly touched on Gollum and the finding of the Ring. Now, this book was a huge hit…"
"Hit?" Frodo interrupted. Mary Sue turned the Death Glare on him.
" A hit is something that's excessively popular. And if I'm going to have to explain every word I use that you don't get, we'll be here until Christmas! Just figure shit out from context and let me finish the goddamned story, willya??" Simply because Mary Sue decided to tell the truth didn't mean her attitude was improved any.
The hobbits nodded again, and she went on. "The popularity of The Hobbit lead to the writing of a sequel. The Lord of the Rings, which went on to become one of the most beloved books of the century. I myself have read it upwards of a dozen times. The Lord of the Rings tells all about the One Ring and the quest to destroy it. You're both mentioned directly by name. So's the rest of the Fellowship and everyone else remotely connected to the story. Everything that has happened to the whole bunch of you is in that book, descriptions, actions, feelings, choices, consequences, the works. Eventually, the book was made into a movie (Do NOT ask what a movie is, dammit!), and that spawned a host of what's called fanfiction. That's when people who like the book and/or movie write stories about the characters, meaning you. Now, one of the main themes in fanfiction is a truly vile thing called self-insertion. It's when someone from my world winds up mysteriously in yours, which is what we have here. So you see, I know all about you because I've read the book and seen the movie. Repeatedly."
Sam looked stunned at the idea that his thought of being part of a beloved story actually turned out to be true. Frodo was becoming uncharacteristically excited.
"So you know what has happened to the others? You know how to quest will end?" he asked.
Uh-oh. Mary Sue could see where this was going. Dammit, she KNEW she should have kept her big mouth shut!
She nodded very slowly. "Yeah, I do," she admitted at last. Well, what the hell else could she do, really?
Frodo opened his mouth to ask the Dread Question, but Mary Sue interrupted him. "Don't even ask me to tell you, hobbit, because I can't."
Frodo's expression fell so dramatically, she nearly spilled the beans then and there. She was SUCH a sucker for big blue eyes, especially on a cute, tortured hobbit who looked a lot like her son. Fortunately for the canon, her seldom-used better judgment was getting a workout lately, and prevented her from blabbing. She kept quiet.
Sam, however, didn't. In the face of this knew knowledge, and his master's obvious disappointment, he simply had to speak up. "Can't tell us? Or won't?" he challenged.
"Both," Mary Sue said firmly. "Can't in good conscience screw up the story by telling you and won't for the same reason. You two don't know what's going on for a reason and you're going to stay that way!! I am NOT willing to take away your choices and free will just because I've read the stinking book!"
"Not even if it will give Mr. Frodo hope?" Sam asked quietly, looking in concern at his master.
Ouch. That hurt. Lots. Mary Sue dealt with it they way she dealt with all emotional pain. She got pissy. "Listen, Gamgee, it's bad enough I'm here in the first place, fucking up the story with my mere presence! Why do you think I want you two to keep your mouths shut about that when you get back? Don't you think I'd LIKE to be a heroine, instead of who and what I really am?? Did it ever occur to you that this is the most excitement I've ever had in my life?? That meeting you two is very literally a dream come true?? I'd LOVE to save the day with my magical knowledge, but I won't because I REFUSE to fuck up the story any more than I absolutely have to!"
Frodo nodded dejectedly, and went back to his Ring-induced depression. Sam looked argumentative, but Mary Sue was having none of that. She was in full-out Mom Lecture Mode, and she was on a roll. "Don't even try to out-stubborn me, Samwise Gamgee, because it won't work. I'll help if I can (which I doubt since my being here seems completely pointless), but I am NOT telling you what happens! Period. You don't like it? Tough! Deal with it!" she crossed her arms, leaned back against a rock and looked stubborn.
Then she noticed the look on Frodo's face and softened just a little. She truly was a sucker for that hobbit. She made her way over to him, took his face in her hands and gently tilted it up so he had to look at her. Sam growled but stayed put.
"I'm really sorry, Frodo, but you have to deal with this shit in your own way, based on your own knowledge. It's just one of those things, you know, like you and only you having to be Ringbearer. Nobody can do this for you, not Sam, not Gandalf and certainly not me. Sucks, I know, but that's life." Mary Sue felt a twinge of déjà vu. She had given a similar lecture to her kid, not all that long ago. Damned hobbits really did bring out the maternal in her.
Right now the maternal in her, as well as the rest of her, was utterly exhausted. She yawned. The night was already well advanced when were forced to stop, and the discussion hadn't made it any younger. "Let's get some sleep, huh, guys? We have a lot of walking to do tomorrow." She didn't want to think that she might not be ABLE to walk tomorrow. Time to pull a Scarlet O'Hara and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Frodo sighed and lay down, shivering. Mary Sue, giant sucker that she was, lay down next to him and wrapped her arms around him, spoon-style. Just for warmth, of course. The excuse to cuddle the most adorable hobbit in existence had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Or so she lied to herself.
Sam cuddled up to Frodo on his other side. With Sam's cloak spread over them both and Mary Sue's big ugly-ass sweater stretched out over him, Frodo was nice and warm.
Mary Sue watched Sam snuggle closer to Frodo. A horrible thought occurred to her. She just had to say something. "I know this is cozy and all, but please, no hobbit slash!! My heart couldn't stand it."
Frodo and Sam exchanged puzzled glances. Frodo said it. "Slash?"
"Me and my big mouth," she complained. Now she had no choice but to give the hobbits as quick an explanation of slash fiction as possible. NOT an easy task.
Two pair of hobbit eyes grew wide with disbelief as she talked. "But that's…….it's……but I love Rosie Cotton!" Sam finally cried.
"I know, I know. I don't make up the stuff, I just see it. Be glad you're not Aragorn and Legolas!" she replied.
"ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS?!?!?!?!" Frodo exclaimed, astonished. "But Arwen…"
"I know, I know!! Just let it go, willya? Get some sleep," she instructed.
"People from your world are odd indeed," Frodo observed.
"Short stuff, you have NO idea!" Mary Sue replied. Eventually, they all fell asleep.