Video Game follies:
Truth about most of the FF heroines
By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"
(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)
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All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!
NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;
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Narator: Over in Square Japan, producer Hironobu Sakaguchi and director Yoshinori Kitase are collaborating on making their endless FF sereis and spinoffs, One after another!
Hironobu Sakaguchi: Wow, let's get some staff and come up with yet another game!
Yoshinori Kitase: How about Keita Amemiya?
*Sakaguchi looked shocked and apauled*
Hironobu Sakaguchi: Are you insane Kitase-chan! *Kitase looks a little bemused* Listen, Amemiya is too talented with plots and characters and we are not releasing the travesty called "Rudra no Hihou" outside of Asia! We threw him and his CROWD inc. cronies out of here for good reason.
Yoshinori Kitase: Oh damn! *thinks of another plan* Oh oh, I know, I know!
Hironobu Sakaguchi: *rolling his eyes* What now? *sigh*
Yoshinori Kitase: Let's make a game aimed for boy and girl teeny-boppers with no lives! Since Brittney Spears, Spice Girls, Lil' Kim, J-LO and Christina Aguilara are popular with girls, we could based the heroines off them, while N*SYNC, O-Town, and LFO are popular teeny-bopping boys, we could base the male characters off of them. How is that?
*Sakaguchi jumps up and down with a big grin on his face*
Hironobu Sakaguchi: YES! LET'S GO WITH IT MAN! Now let's see.....Hmmmmmm.......*scratch head and eyes staff* Now, what will be our plot?
Story writter-Chan: We don't need a strong plot. We could just re-hash some Hollywood sci-fi / fantasy/ horror movie stories and coming of age teeny boppin' dramas, plus a little dash of MTV, we will make it big!
Hironobu Sakaguchi: SOUNDS GREAT!
Yoshinori Kitase: Hey, we could use Tetsuya Nomura's artwork over and over again. He is the best! How is that?
Tetsuya Nomura: I am great with that.
*Kitase appraoches Nomura and observes his character designs*
Tetsuya Nomura: Here you go Kitase-san. *shows him artwork of teeny boppin boy and girl heroes and heroines, cutsy rejects from "The Muppet Show" and "Fraggel Rock" and your typical villain whom you wish would win.* How do you like it!
*round of applaud from the whole room*
Yoshinori Kitase: WONDERFUL!
Hironobu Sakaguchi: Now we are going to make money! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
*looks at everyone*
EXT. THE STRANGE WORLD MADE BY SAKAGUCHI, KITASE, NOMURA AND SOME JAPANISE EXAM SCHOOL FLUNKIES!
Narrator: Tifa Lockhart, Aerith Gainsborogh, Yufi Kisaragi, Selphie, Rinoa, Quitis, Garnet, Lulu and Rikku were all standing on a seddy street corner full of neon lights, litter, smog and many cars and trafic going by. They all wore skanky clothing and had a look of lust on their face, thinking of boys.
Tifa: Oh baby baby, I want Cloud! * Aerith and Yufi look rather pissed*
Aerith: No ya don't bitch! Cloud mine! *Yufi kicks Aerith's ass*
Yufi: No no, Cloud is mine! He is my slave!
Tifa: *chuckles* Ooooooh, what kinda slave?
*Yufi bitch slaps Tifa*
Yufi: None of your business bitch! Now, start raising your prices, now!
*Rinoa separates the girls*
Rinoa: Cloud blows, he such she-male! Squall is hot baby!
Yufi: No no! He is not!
*Quitis looks angry*
Quitis: Hey, Squall is mine! *starts to stranggle Rinoa with her whip*
Selphie: NAW! Irvine is mine! Irvine can kick Cloud and Squall's ass!
Garnet: Are you kidding? Zidane is my man! He could whip any of those boy's asses! *LOL*
*Aerith, Tifa, Yufi, Rinoa, Quitis and Selphie all gang up on her*
Quitis: What do you mean by that, midget girl?
*Garnet kicks Quitis*
Garnet: I am not a midget, I just have a short build. *face is bright red and gets out a racquet*
*A trampy looking black mage and a skanky theif come out and grab Garnet*
Lulu: Don't blow artery Midget!
Rikku: None of the guys of our age would go for me, only 50 year olds named Aurron, YUCK!
*Everyone looks at Rikku in disgust*
All the FF girls: WHAT A "LONG ISLAND LOLITA" YOU ARE RIKKU! GROSS!
Rikku: Am NOT! Just trying to make some money! I got more Gil than you!
*All the girls look at the money and started to drool*
Yufi: Wow, that is like, 50,000 GIL! *pulls out her Gil stash* But, HA HA, I have 55,000 GIL!
*Tifa shows her Gil*
Tifa: Yeah girls? I have 150,000 Gil! I have my own Hentai sites and all the boys want me more than any of you!
Aerith: Boys want me too. *has a wicked grin on her face* I may look innocent, but I'm not, I only pretend to be innocent! In fact, in one day, I made 5,000 Gil with Cloud and 10,000 with Zack in one night! How do you like them apples?
*All the girls look mad and want to kick Aerith's ass hard*
Lulu: Yeah, Aerith? Look at those gross warty things below your legs! That is disgusting!
*Aerith notices and blushes*
Aerith: Heh heh! *slowly sneaks away, giggling nervously down the street as she starts to flee the scene*
Rinoa: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT! Aerith is gross!
Garnet: You ain't so special either!
Quitis: *wraps her arms around Garnet and Rinoa* Come on girls, jealousy is not a part of us, as long as we have Gil galore!
All of the FF girls: What is with this "Jealousy" stuff?
Yufi: *eyes Sephie* You are bad, you deserve to die bitch! *starts to bitch slap Sephie. Selphie is dumb and stands there*
Selphie: I may die, but I don't care! As long as I have men in life! *starts to laugh like a Hyena on helium*
*The girls all circle each other like buzards and eye each other in anger*
Garnet: You girls are all INSANE! INSANE!
*All the girls gang up and start to fight violently. Sephie starts to violently hit Yufi with nunchakus, Tifa pummels Quitis, who is whipping her ass hard, Rikku beats up Garnet by stealing Garnet's racquet and spanking her, Rinoa is getting beat up by Lulu and her Mogli dolls. Aerith is the only one not in the scene, since she was reminded of her secret shame on the streets*
Rikku: *grabbing Garnet's arm* Say "Uncle" dammit!
*Garnet starts to summon some sort of strange being*
Garnet: Help me great Aeons, HELP!
*Bahamut looks bored and comes into the scene*
Bahamut: Okey, what do you want summoner?
Garnet: *getting arm twisted by Rikku* Please help me, this bitch is twisting my arm!
Bahamut: *rolls his eyes* Oh man, okey. Be gone!
*A blast of laser fire comes and burns Rikku to ashes. As Bahamut dissapears and the girls still fighting, a pimp mobile comes into the scene. Suprise suprise, Aerith and some pimps and madams come out of the mobile and look shocked.*
Aerith: Women are fighting AGAIN? How mature..... *starts to blush*
Corneo (Head Pimp): STOP FIGHTING GIRLS! WE HAD ENOUGH! *starts to separate the girls from each other*
Edea (Head Madame): What is the meaning of this?
Lulu: Tifa started it!
Tifa: I DID NOT! RINOA DID!
Rinoa: *gives nasty look to Tifa* No way! Ummmmm.....Yufi started it. I would blame Rikku, but she ashes.
Yufi: SHUT UP!
*All the pimps and madames look ashamed*
Edgar (from FF6, now working his dream job as a pimp): Look girls, I don't care who started it, we want it to stop!
Steiner (Garnet's bodyguard and pimp): Come on girls, in the car, we'll teach ya all a good lesson!
All of the FF girls (except late Rikku): *sighs* Okey Dokey........-_-
Narator: All of the girls hop into the car and head back to the Bordello to make more of their "Hard Earned cash/Gil". Back in the real world, in Japan, the Squaresoft crew plan to make a great big epic out of this story.
Hironobu Sakaguchi: *snickers* Good, good, but we need to make this cool story into an epic adventure for this hot chicks!
Story writter-Chan: Okey, that shall do. I make an epic out of this beautiful story! Keita Amemiya, eat your heart out and get out! We have a great plot coming to video game consoles near you!
*Suddenly, the rejoicing by everyone at Sqauresoft gets cut short by a huge army tank causing great explosions, causing mass destruction of Squaresoft*
Yoshinori Kitase: *looks stunned in horror* What happening!?
Tetsuya Nomura: It's horrible!
Hironobu Sakaguchi: Someone is after us, possibley for revenge!
Everyone at Squaresoft: AAAAAAAACK! HELP!!!
*The Army tank blows up everything and causes mass destruction out of Squaresoft, leaving it in complete rubble. Out of the army tank, came none other than Keita Amemiya, accompanied by Scion, Surlent, Riza and Dune of "Rudra no Hihou" fame*
Keita Amemiya: HA HA! Revenge is so sweet! *Amemiya and the Rudra no Hihou gang come out and witness the destruction*
Scion: This is what they all get for not making a sequel out of our game!
Surlent: Or letting our master and his company be employed!
*Riza searches through scripts and is appauled*
Riza: Oh dear gods! These people cannot write worth shit! Have they flunked kindergarden or something?
Dune: I dunno, but it won't suprise me! Even a retarded 2 year old can write better plots!
Riza: *looks at Aerith, Rinoa and Garnet* Who the hell are these girls trying to be? Yeuch! They need armor, they need to be more.....HUMAN!
Scion: *observes the pics* Ewwwww, no kidding! Look at Tifa, all breasts and no female!
Surlent: Hey, Amemiya, now we shall become powerful, right?
Keita Amemiya: Oh yeh! *grins* Now with losers gone, we could bring quality to world.
All the Rudra heroes: HOORAY! UP WITH QUALITY!
Surlent: Some on everyone, let's make some games!
Keita Amemiya: All right!
Narator: Amemiya and the cast of Rudra walk away from Squaresoft's rubble and off into the sunset, with huge grins on their faces.
The End!