In a mysterious, unknown area of loathsome filth and decay somewhere in the
United States, the Cobra FANG chopper carrying a blindfolded Flint rapidly
approached the enormous Cobra headquarters, which was a formidable steel
construction of a Cobra snake. By some automated control, the cobra's
cavernous mouth opened, allowing the chopper to ascend into the secret
depths below.
The Cobra troopers jumped off the chopper and brought down Flint as they did so. Cobra Commander was there at the landing pad to greet his newest recruit into the Cobra organization.
"You may remove the blindfold," Cobra Commander instructed his subordinates.
Flint blinked several times as he beheld the interior of Cobra headquarters in all its fearsome glory.
"Welcome, Flint, to Cobra. I am extremely pleased that you have decided to abandon your foolish patriotism and embrace hate, ssssssssselfishnesssss, and greed. In ssssssssshort, I am ssssssssure that you will ssssssoon become a man who will make his mark on the world."
"Thankssssssssss a lot, Cobra Commander," Flint said, imitating the Commander's speech mannerism.
Cobra Commander picked up on Flint's sarcasm and slapped him in the face.
"Insssssolent Joe! No one talks like thissss except me. Do you know it takes yearsssss of practice to drag out all the sssssssss'sssssss in every cursed sssssentence? I even had to hire a ssssspeech therapist to help me get it just right! Ssssadly, I had no choice but to brainwash him into a mindless peon for Cobra once his work was done. But that's besssssside the point."
"Why bother?" Flint asked.
"Becaussssse," Cobra Commander said condescendingly, "every great leader must have a disssstinctive mannerism. How the hell else would people recognize the great Cobra Commander? How else would I sssstrike fear into the hearts of free men everywhere?"
Flint shrugged.
"Beats me, pal," Flint said.
"We have much to discussss," Cobra Commander said. "But first you must passss the TRIAL OF INITIATION."
"What?" Flint said, alarmed. Two Cobra troopers began leading him away. Cobra Commander gave his next order.
"Take him to the C.A.T. (Cobra Arena of Terror)!!!!"
* * *
Five Cobra Flight Pods circled over the enormous field, which was as large as a football field. The entire Cobra organization was in attendance in the stands, eager for entertainment and sport. In the center of the arena, Flint stood alone. A laser pistol lay on the ground twenty yards away. Flint looked up and watched the flight pods circle above. What kind of weird shit was going on, anyway?
Behind a laser-proof plexiglass shield that encircled the field and protected the spectators, Cobra Commander sat with the Baroness, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, Tomax, Xamot, and Zartan.
"As proof of your worthiness to Cobra," Cobra Commander said, "you must avoid getting killed by the Flight Pods hovering above the field. You have nothing but that puny laser pistol. If you can even get to it alive, that is."
The crowd roared in anticipation of a good time. The prospect of a Joe being slaughtered like cattle thrilled the spectators to no end.
"Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa!" the crowd chanted deliriously.
"Let the trial begin!" Cobra Commander shouted.
The flight pods circling above opened fire on Flint, who ducked and dove out of the way.
"Holy shit!" Flint cried as the lasers nearly blew his head off. It seemed like Flint was headed for certain doom. But Flint had an advantage that the flight pod pilots did not have. Flint was a stud, and if there was one constant in the physical universe, it was that studly guys invariably triumphed over wimpy dorks flying their shitty-ass flight pods, trying to kill him.
The 20 yard dash brought back great memories of the glory days of high school football for Flint as he made it to the laser pistol, turned and opened fire.
Five shots.
Five destroyed flight pods.
The battle was over in just one minute. Flint stood alone on the field and gestured toward the five smoking wrecks on the field, which contained the scorched remains of five hapless, nameless Cobra troopers.
Flint spiked the gun like a football and began pounding his chest like a cave-man.
"BOO YAH, TOUCHDOWN, I MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!!!! SUCK ON THAT, BEEE-ACH!!!"
As Flint began break dancing right there on the field of the Cobra Arena of Terror, the crowd began chanting a different tune.
"FLINT! FLINT! FLINT!"
Behind the plexiglass shield, Cobra Commander nodded in approval. He turned to the Baroness, who had watched the entire event in rapt attention.
"Very impresssive, wouldn't you say?" Cobra Commander said, not noticing the smoldering fires of barely repressed sexual lust in the eyes of the Baroness.
"Yes," the Baroness breathed out heavily as she smiled at Flint, who was still celebrating on the field.
The Cobra troopers jumped off the chopper and brought down Flint as they did so. Cobra Commander was there at the landing pad to greet his newest recruit into the Cobra organization.
"You may remove the blindfold," Cobra Commander instructed his subordinates.
Flint blinked several times as he beheld the interior of Cobra headquarters in all its fearsome glory.
"Welcome, Flint, to Cobra. I am extremely pleased that you have decided to abandon your foolish patriotism and embrace hate, ssssssssselfishnesssss, and greed. In ssssssssshort, I am ssssssssure that you will ssssssoon become a man who will make his mark on the world."
"Thankssssssssss a lot, Cobra Commander," Flint said, imitating the Commander's speech mannerism.
Cobra Commander picked up on Flint's sarcasm and slapped him in the face.
"Insssssolent Joe! No one talks like thissss except me. Do you know it takes yearsssss of practice to drag out all the sssssssss'sssssss in every cursed sssssentence? I even had to hire a ssssspeech therapist to help me get it just right! Ssssadly, I had no choice but to brainwash him into a mindless peon for Cobra once his work was done. But that's besssssside the point."
"Why bother?" Flint asked.
"Becaussssse," Cobra Commander said condescendingly, "every great leader must have a disssstinctive mannerism. How the hell else would people recognize the great Cobra Commander? How else would I sssstrike fear into the hearts of free men everywhere?"
Flint shrugged.
"Beats me, pal," Flint said.
"We have much to discussss," Cobra Commander said. "But first you must passss the TRIAL OF INITIATION."
"What?" Flint said, alarmed. Two Cobra troopers began leading him away. Cobra Commander gave his next order.
"Take him to the C.A.T. (Cobra Arena of Terror)!!!!"
* * *
Five Cobra Flight Pods circled over the enormous field, which was as large as a football field. The entire Cobra organization was in attendance in the stands, eager for entertainment and sport. In the center of the arena, Flint stood alone. A laser pistol lay on the ground twenty yards away. Flint looked up and watched the flight pods circle above. What kind of weird shit was going on, anyway?
Behind a laser-proof plexiglass shield that encircled the field and protected the spectators, Cobra Commander sat with the Baroness, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, Tomax, Xamot, and Zartan.
"As proof of your worthiness to Cobra," Cobra Commander said, "you must avoid getting killed by the Flight Pods hovering above the field. You have nothing but that puny laser pistol. If you can even get to it alive, that is."
The crowd roared in anticipation of a good time. The prospect of a Joe being slaughtered like cattle thrilled the spectators to no end.
"Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa!" the crowd chanted deliriously.
"Let the trial begin!" Cobra Commander shouted.
The flight pods circling above opened fire on Flint, who ducked and dove out of the way.
"Holy shit!" Flint cried as the lasers nearly blew his head off. It seemed like Flint was headed for certain doom. But Flint had an advantage that the flight pod pilots did not have. Flint was a stud, and if there was one constant in the physical universe, it was that studly guys invariably triumphed over wimpy dorks flying their shitty-ass flight pods, trying to kill him.
The 20 yard dash brought back great memories of the glory days of high school football for Flint as he made it to the laser pistol, turned and opened fire.
Five shots.
Five destroyed flight pods.
The battle was over in just one minute. Flint stood alone on the field and gestured toward the five smoking wrecks on the field, which contained the scorched remains of five hapless, nameless Cobra troopers.
Flint spiked the gun like a football and began pounding his chest like a cave-man.
"BOO YAH, TOUCHDOWN, I MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!!!! SUCK ON THAT, BEEE-ACH!!!"
As Flint began break dancing right there on the field of the Cobra Arena of Terror, the crowd began chanting a different tune.
"FLINT! FLINT! FLINT!"
Behind the plexiglass shield, Cobra Commander nodded in approval. He turned to the Baroness, who had watched the entire event in rapt attention.
"Very impresssive, wouldn't you say?" Cobra Commander said, not noticing the smoldering fires of barely repressed sexual lust in the eyes of the Baroness.
"Yes," the Baroness breathed out heavily as she smiled at Flint, who was still celebrating on the field.