Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.
When the Music Stops…..
Buffy once told me a saying that Merrick, her first watcher, told her. When the music stops the rest is silence. I never understood that until this moment.
It's been nine months since I left Sunnydale, and the mess that I made, behind. I didn't want to face up to what I had done to my best friend. Willow was my best friend and I was supposed to be hers, but for the last few weeks of her life I didn't act much like one. When she began to change I didn't want to accept her. I wanted the sweet, shy, nerdy Willow back because I all I could see was that she was moving on without me. I was still the same old Xander Harris, with the weird sense of humor and bad taste in clothing. I was still the Zeppo that Cordelia once pegged me as.
When I found out that Willow was dating Spike it sort of pushed me over the edge. I managed to convince myself that he was the reason behind all the changes in her and that if I wanted her to go back to the way she was all I would have to do was get rid of him.
My first plan was a complete failure. I can't believe I actually thought Angel would dust one of his childer no matter how much hatred there was between them. Instead I watched as Willow gave Angel permission to kiss Spike. That was something I never saw coming. I didn't really think about the relationship Angel had with Spike before that night, but I now know that it went beyond just being hunting partners.
So my first plan was an utter failure, which wasn't surprising considering that I'm a failure at everything I do, but I wasn't deterred. I took all the money that I had saved from all of my jobs and hired an assassin. I must have gone temporarily insane to do it, but I wanted Willow back the way she was and obviously I was willing to use any means necessary.
Again, things didn't go as planned. Willow was never supposed to break out of my hold and jump in front of Spike to try and push him down. She was never supposed to be hit in the back with the arrow. She was never supposed to be turned into a vampire…but she was.
Both Buffy and Giles were right to be so angry. I was responsible for my best friend's death. When Jesse died I knew that it was something I had no control over but what happened to Willow was all my fault. So I ran away. I was so mad at Buffy when she ran after sending Angel to Hell yet now I know exactly why she did. The irony of the situation isn't lost on me.
So now here I am, standing on a sidewalk in New York. It's late but I can hear the carolers down by the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. They are singing Silent Night but I'm no longer paying attention to them. My concentration is on the gun that the boy in front of me is waving. He's demanding all my money and anything valuable but I'm too frozen to move. It's like I'm watching the scene outside my body. My brain is telling me to hand everything over but my body refuses to respond. Suddenly I realize that I can no longer hear the carolers singing. The music has stopped. I look into the hardened face of the teenager, who can't be more than sixteen years old, and I know that he has lost his patience. I see his finger pulling the trigger back slowly and all I feel is a strange sense of peace. I close my eyes, not wanting my last sight to be of the boy with the gun. One thought runs through my mind. 'Willow, I'm sorry…'
* BANG! *