A/N: Thanks to Padfoot, Mooney, Prongs 4EVER, Ginger Granger (are you from the North Shore?), Evil Lady, and Lily of the Valley (that's the best perfume *ever*) for the reviews. It means a lot to me and I hope you all become very wealthy some way or another.
That being said, lets move on to the second chapter, where some pretty neat stuff happens, if I do say so myself.

Harry Potter does New York
Chapter Two
(Working Subtitle: If You Ask Me, There Was a Little Too Much Tongue In That Kiss of Death)

Harry ducked out of the way just in time, using his quick quidditch player reflexes. The drunk guy who tried to punch Harry hit the beer guy, instead. The beer guy fell over and spilled all the beer on Lavender, who whacked him with her purse. The drunk guy started to cry.
There, there, cooed Seamus, kneeling down and patting the drunk guy on the back. Take comfort in these magic beans, my friend. Amend your evil ways by giving up your life of beer and sin. Join me and Mr. Nibbles on our quest for salvation. Just for a moment, the clouds parted and a heavenly light was cast down on Seamus and the drunk guy. A chorus of angels sang, while the brawl continued around them. It was kind of a nice sight really, in a very sick way.

How did you get back in? Harry asked Parvati.
We just mentioned Clem at the door, and they let us in, She answered, knocking over a row of vicious baseball fans with one big punch. A beer -guzzling set of pin-striped clad dominoes. Did you know her last name is Quintilian?
Where you here when the fight started?
Duh, we started it.

They said mean things about Derek, Lavender said defensively.
cheered Parvati in agreement, getting a knock on the chin because she let her guard down. Son of a... she muttered, throwing a good punch in the general direction of her latest offender.
somebody yelled. Harry whirled around to see Clem fighting her way through the crowd. she gasped, finally reaching him, We've got... to get out! Clem looked frightful. She was missing one of her shirt sleeves, her hair was more messed up than usual, and a large purple bruise was beginning to form around her left eye.
What happened? Harry asked, concerned.
Robert Downey Jr. and Matthew Perry intercepted one of our shipments, drug shipments, and -oh god! I can't believe my stupid family is shipping drugs- they used it all, Perry and Downey, that is, and our Tampa Bay dealer -why on earth do we have a Tampa Bay dealer? So we can get free Devil Ray tickets? They suck!- he's coming after us, because he thinks we sold it all, instead of sending it to him, and they're all here. TV stars! They're evil I tell you! Under those expensive hairdos lurks and evil, evil mind! We've got to get out! We need to get out quick!
I don't know what you just said.
Wait a minute... there's only four of you guys here! Where are Ron, Hermione, and Dean?
They left.
At least they're safe for now. We need to leave too; we need to leave now!
whined Lavender.
Clem snapped.

So they made their way out of the stadium. Clem insisted on holding hand so nobody got lost. So maybe we should get to the carrot mobile, and get out of the country. But what about the shipment? I never asked for this. We can't stay in New York. They'll get us in New York.
Who is they? Harry asked.
I don't know! Clem yelled back, her eyes brimming with tears. Harry decided this was a good time to not ask questions. Buckle your seat belts, kids, Clem shouted from the driver's seat of the carrot car.
Papa Smurf is in my seat! Seamus sobbed.

They searched and searched. They were beginning to think that someone had already gotten to Ron, Hermione, and Dean, when a big, glittery sign caught Lavender's eye. There they are! she gasped. Everyone looked up, and sure enough, Ron and Hermione's faces had be plastered up on the billboard. They're starring in a musical.
How did they get in a musical? Parvati asked, wrinkling her nose.
Mr. Nibbles must have guided them here, Seamus answered wisely. Lets go see them.
Oh, Clem, Lavender said, See if you can drop your name at the door and get in for free.
That's okay! Harry jumped in quickly. I'll just pay for everyone's ticket.

Harry got them all reasonably priced seat in a balcony, a little bit far from the stage, but really not that bad. They could see Ron and Hermione on the stage, wearing glittery costumes. Ron was tap-dancing his ass off, while Hermione sang, loudly, and rather badly.
I will always have you in my heart! Even though we're far apart! She sang at the top of her lunges. I think of you night and day! Even when you're far, far away! We will always have each other! There will never be another... Quite like YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!
Wow, Hermion reeks, Harry murmured.
I guess Mr. Nibbles didn't bless her like we though, huh? sighed Seamus.
But look at Ron dance, Parvati said. He's really talented.
Oh, I so wish I had gone with him to the Yule Ball, Lavender soughed.
The song ended and Ron began his lines. He was a much better dancer than actor. My dearest, He spoke, I am afraid we can no longer be together.
gasped Hermione. What could ever be the matter?
said Ron slowly, a crescendo of trumpets and violins indicated another song coming on. I'm not like other guys, he sang, I'm really, really... odd. I love N*SYNC, and I've got a boyfriend named Todd.
What are you trying to say?' Hermione sang, off key.
What I'm trying to say is... I'm GAAAAAAAAAY!
He's gay! He's gay! He sleeps with boys! He's gay! sang a chorus, which had jumped out of nowhere and started dancing.
I prefer diet coke to beer, cause I'm really queer!
Man, this musical sure does suck, Clem declared. They sat through three hours of The Gay Divorcé. The plot was impossible to follow, but some how ended in a three way marriage of Hermione, Ron, and the minister's accountant, and they sang and dance until the bitter end. Harry tried to hang himself with his shoes laces, and Parvati tried to take her own life by jumping from the balcony, but they were both restrained by Seamus, because Mr. Nibbles did not want them to die. Mr. Nibbles wanted them to live. He wants us all to live. To live and help others.
They went to meet Ron and Hermion back stage. How was my singing? asked Hermione.
How was my acting? asked Ron.
The rest lied through gritted teeth.
said Clem, cutting to the chase, We have angry drug dealers after us. We've got to get out of the city... now! Where's Dean?
He called us on his cell phone earlier, said Ron. Said he was going out to dinner with some girl he met. I think her name was Lindsey.
No Ron, Hermione said. It wasn't Lindsey. Maybe Courtney, or something like that. Ashley? No...
It wouldn't have happened to be Britney... would it? Harry asked warily.
That's it!
Britney Spears?
Yes, I do believe that was her name.
Britney Spears!!! squealed Lavender and Parvati. Oh my gawd!
Right! We must find Dean and Britney, said Clem determinedly. She'll be easy to find because of the pack of fans that flocks to wherever she goes. To the carrot mobile!
Even when you are a supremely successful pop star, New York is still a pretty big city. It's a lot harder to find on than you might think. Finally they came across a really big crowd of teenage girls outside the Waldorf hotel.
Do you think they could have gone back to her hotel? Hermione asked. Or could those be somebody else's fans?
A hot pink bra landed on the windshield of the car, and a blushing girl in a blonde wig ran over to retrieve it.
said Harry, I'm pretty sure these are Britney fans. Underneath all the panic of being in trouble with the mob in an unfamiliar city and ocean away from home, Harry was a little bit pleased with himself. He felt he was starting to get the hang of the New Yorker thing. So what are we going to do now? He asked. There must be security guards everywhere, or else these girls wouldn't still be out here.
I saw an episode of The Brady Bunch like this once, piped Lavender. Marcia and Greg dressed up as bellhops and snuck into a hotel so they could meet Davey Jones. He's really dreamy, you know.
That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard, said Hermione.

Three quarters of an hour later they were standing in front of the back entrance, all in french maid uniforms. I'm not sure I like this idea, said Ron, tugging on his extremely short skirt.
Quite, you, grunted Clem, We're going to need everybody's cooperation to make this work.
But why do we have to wear skirts? asked Harry, trying very hard not to whine, because he felt that was not the type of thing that jaded New Yorkers did.
Afraid you might like it? giggled Lavender. Harry blushed.
Does everyone know the plan? demanded Clem.
We've been over it again and again, said Hermione.
Okay, then. Let's go!
(Here we switch to present tense, because it sounds cool when there's lots of action) They creep further towards the back entrance. There is a beefy security guard standing in front of a dark alleyway. Seamus, go! Clem whispers urgently. Seamus casually walks out in front of the security guard and starts puking his guts out. While the guards back is turned, the rest dash into the alley and duck behind a dumpster. Clem gives Seamus the thumbs up, which is his cue to kick the guard in the nuts and run like a madman into the crowd. The guard keels over and waves an angry finger at Seamus, while the other go in the door unnoticed.
(Not we switch out of present tense because it was just too weird... even for this fic)
They found themselves in a tremendous kitchen. People everywhere were wearing apron and funny chefs' hats. Stirring things, baking things, and washing things (they hand wash dishes. Like you would expect anything less from the Waldorf). Okay, We need to split up now, Clem whispered. Ron and Hermione on the first floor, Lavender and Parvati on the second, me and Harry on the third. You've all got your walkie-talkies on(A/N: walkie-talkies are so cool!) so when you see her...
A large angry french dude shouted, rushing over to the group. Where ave you been? Miz Zpearz as been complaining to zee front desk every two zeconds azking for zee case of diet coke she ordered an hour ago. Now you will get to zee room with the Coca-Cola NOW, or I know a wize azz waitrezz who will be working for Leo on 21st street before she can say mon dui!'
The large angry french dude reminded Harry of Uncle Vernon, if Uncle Vernon pronounced his r's like there was something caught in his through.
Um... Oui! replied Clem, faking an accent the best she could. Ve vill get ze Coke to Miz Zpeard rrrrrrright away! Vere is her rrrrrroom?
Zird flur, now move! bellowed the french guy.

This is going to be easier than I though! said Clem triumphantly, as soon as the french guy was out of ear-shot. We can just get Dean and get out.
And the drug dealers...? Hermione reminded her.
Well... I dunno. Maybe Britney will help us. Look, I'll think of something, okay? Let's just cross that bridge when we get to it.
Didn't Britney Spears sign a contract with Pepsi? asked Lavender as they walked towards the elevator.
Oh my gawd, she did! exclaimed Parvati. Somebody should tell People Magazine.
And when are we going to find time to do that? asked Hermione. Haven't you been paying attention to anything that's been happening?
they both replied flatly.


A/N: Okay, that's the end of this chapter. Just for the record, the Gay Divorcé is the name of and old Fred and Ginger movie, but it's not like my version. It's a good movie though. Rent it if you can. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying my story. There will be another chapter shortly. Please review. Please!?!?!