Harry Potter does New York
Chapter Three
(Working Subtitle: Lift My Lamp Beside the Golden Door,' My Ars)
by Deviant1

It seems to me that three quarters of New York is security guards, Harry moaned.
More like two thirds, still a lot, Hermione corrected.
Only when Britney Spears is in town, Clem explained.
They had arrived at Britney's room only to find that she had four beefy security guards standing in front of her door.
We could all pile on the carts, suggested Parvati. We could definitely fit at least one or two more people down there. How many people could it take to ransack Britney Spears?
And the guards, Hermion added.
I could take them, growled Ron, rolling up his french maid sleeves. Just lemme at
Forget it. We need a different plan, said Clem.
Once, on Laverne and Shirley they got a room next to a famous person, and then they climbed out into a ledge thing, and they went into the famous person's room through the window, Lavender piped.
You've been watching too much TV, Hermione snapped. That's even worse than your last idea.

Now that I think about it, I guess I am kind of afraid of heights, said Ron, from the third story ledge they were all standing on. They hadn't been able to get the room next to Britney, but they got one on the same floor, so now they were edging along the ledge, paralyzed from fear of heights, and covered with pigeon crap. Actually, it's not really heights, it's falling that scares me, it's falling.
It's more like hitting the ground, really, said Hermione, sounding prodigiously rational for someone standing on a third story ledge.
I'm not fond of any of them, Lavender whined.
At least we're not wearing those french maids' costumes anymore, Harry pointed out. We would have been freezing and everyone would be able to see up our skirts.
Would you guys be quiet! She's going to hear us! hissed Clem.

Lavender carefully picked the lock on the window with a nail file, a bobby pin, and some oil of oláy hand cream. She slid the window open and they all piled inside.
Britney screamed.
It's okay! said Dean quickly. They're friends of mine.
Very good friends, Ron put in.
Friends who have friends in high places, Parvati added.

Listen, Dean, Hermione began. Clem got us into some trouble, and now we have to somehow get some drugs to Florida before somebody kills us.
said Dean, nodding slowly, with no idea what Hermione was talking about.
I've got to call Seamus and tell him where to bring the car, said Clem. May I please use your phone? Without waiting for an answer Clem picked up the phone and started dialing. Seamus... It's me... We're on the west side of the building... yeah, just bring the car over. Thanks! Arivederci!

It took Seamus about fifteen minutes to get the car to the right part of the building; the Britney fans really held him up. In the mean time, Miss Spears told them all about how she was just trying to be true to herself and make music.
She was interrupted by Seamus blasting the horn outside. Ron, Harry, and Clem flung the rope they had made out of bed sheets from the window and started shoeing people out. One by one, they made their way down the make-shift rope, which, remarkably, held strong as Lavender, Parvati, Ron, and Clem made their way down.
You can go first, said Harry to Dean, eyeing the chain of sheets.
Actually, Harry, you go ahead. I'd like to say goodbye to Britney first, Dean replied.
Harry nodded and hoisted himself out the window.
Dean began, his eyes already starting to moisten.
hushed Britney, placing a finger over his lips. Lets just enjoy these last moments together.

What are you so happy about? Ron demanded as Dean buckled up his seat belt.
Oh, nothing.
Well, where are we going now? Parvati demanded.
I don't know! Clem replied frantically. We need to get 20 kilos of crack to Florida, and it needs to be there today! Where are we going to get that before midnight?
Everyone turned slowly to Seamus. Ooooooh, no ya don't, said Seamus, backing away, although there really wasn't anywhere to back to, seeing as they were in a car. You're not getting the magic beans, nuh-uh.
Gimme the drugs! Clem shouted. In a split second she was wrestling Seamus to the ground in the back seat, determined to get the drugs from him.
Hermione shrieked, Watch where you're going! but it was too late. The car veered off the road, and off the Verizano Bridge.

SPLASH! The carrot car bobbed to the surface. Wow, I can't believe we survived that, said Harry, shaking water out of his hair.
Got it! proclaimed Clem, grabbing a giant garbage bag full of white powder from Seamus (how did he manage to carry that in his pocket?).
That's not for you! Seamus shouted, shoving Clem. Clem nearly lost her balance, but caught herself before falling out of the car. Unfortunately, in efforts to save herself from getting wetter, she dropped the bag.
They watched it sink down into the murky waters, and Hermione said, Drugs are grotty things anyway.
If I weren't so enlightened, I'd seek revenge, said Seamus angrily.
Wow, you're like a Jedi, commented Lavender. She gazed at Seamus with new found respect and admiration.
So what are we going to do now? asked Dean. We're stuck.
I guess we need to paddle, Hermione said thoughtfully. That might take a while.
Not to worry, said Clem, turning back to the group. The carrot car can shift to aqua mode. You must have noticed by now that this is no ordinary car.
Net time, said Parvati, We take my car.
Are we there yet? Seamus whined impatiently.

I came to this country in 1876, Ron recited, with me mum, me two sisters, and me brother. Me dad had came earlier. We called this place the Island of tears. Clem had realized that they had no money at all, so while she thought of a plan, the rest of them played instruments at Ellis Island. They each told stories of the old country, and the journey to America, and adjusting their lives in a new country. When their shift was up, they got $20 each, and were herded back to the car, which was tethered to the dock outside.
I've got a plan. It's actually one of my better plans, and it's going to fix all our problems, Clem explained. We need to get a lot of drugs, and we need to get it to Florida before midnight, right? The problem is we have no drugs, and it's nearly midnight now. So here's what we're going to do. We take the carrot car back to Long Island, get the portkey and go back to Hogwarts. Once at Hogwarts we get a large sack full of sugar from the kitchen, and Hermione's time turner. We go back to the beginning of the day, portkey back to the states, and hop a jet to the sunshine state.
Is there any rule you're not planing of breaking tonight? Hermione asked peevishly.