A/N: Thanks for reviewing to Ginger Granger, Hanni B (sorry about your socks), and Lily of the Valley.

Harry Potter Does New York
Chapter 6
(Working Subtitle: The Madness of Hermione Granger)
by Deviant1

Harry, Hermione, and Ginny had been running for nearly half and hour, trying to escape the DWPD (Disney World Police Department). I think we lost said Ginny breathlessly, collapsing on a park bench.
Thank god! sighed Hermione. I can't believe I sang Danke Shoen on a Little Mermaid parade float.
Me neither, said Harry. Hermione, what were you saying about Ron before you burst into song?
cried Hermione, suddenly very upset and worried again. Ron is missing! He disappeared while I was in the bathroom! I've been looking all over for him! Hermione looked like she was on the verge of tears.
There, there, said Harry, laying a comforting fin on her shoulder (remember, he's still in the fish suit). We'll find Ron. He couldn't have gone far.
Yes, lets look for him, said Ginny.

Insert page from Where's Waldo here Can you find Ron?

They searched for hours and didn't find a single trace of him. They did, however, discover some other pretty strange and disconcerting secrets about Disney world that nobody is supposed to know. But that's a different story.
Hermione shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. Where are you, Ron? She had been a bit unhinged since the Danke Shoen incident.
There you are! Someone called.
Hermione whirled around. But it was not Ron. It was Clem, accompanied by Seamus, Dean and Parvati. Dean and Parvati were arguing.
Harry so did not have an affair with Dumbledore. That is so stupid!
Well it's better than your story about him joining the Canadian Circus!
My story made sense, because he had a girl friend in Canada.
Well my story was romantic.
So was mine!
Circuses are not romantic!
Neither are 120-year-old guys!
You're an idiot!
Better than you! Dean threw a punch at Parvati. Parvati kicked Dean. Dean pulled on a chunk of Parvati's hair.
Stop it! yelled Clem. When they continued to fight, she bopped them each with a Pochahontas golf club. Dean and Parvati gave Clem evil looks and rubbed their heads where Clem had hit them. Seamus giggled. Where are Ron and Lavender? asked Clem.
Here I is! someone called. Hermione turned around hopefully, but alas, it was only Lavender. She waved and evening glove clad hand at them and trotted over.
But where is Ron? Hermione cried.
Maybe he's back at the hotel, suggested Clem.

Has Mr. Ronald Weasley checked in yet? Hermione asked the desk clerk hopefully.
Weasley... nope. Sorry ma'am, The clerk replied politely. There was, however, a message left by a mister Roy Weezy. Is that who you meant?
Hermione took the piece of paper from the clerk. She read the note and her eyes widened. Oh no!
What is it? demanded Ginny.
Parvati craned her neck to read the note over Hermione's shoulder. She snorted in laughter. she chuckled. Got arrested.
cried Harry in shock.
He didn't say, said Hermione.
I say we let him sit for a while and let him think about what he's done, said Clem. Wonder what he did.
Ron would never do anything wrong! said Hermione indignantly. We are going to bale him out right now! She grabbed Clems wrist and and pulled her out of the hotel lobby. The others followed, somewhat reluctantly.

Hermione cried, running up to the cell where a lonely stinky man in need of a shave was sitting dejectedly. Look what they've done to you! She sobbed. Your hair is not even red anymore! Why!? Why of all people where you made to rott away in this urine soaked hell hole?
said Ron from his cell. That's Lester. I'm over here.
she cried again, this time running up to the right cell.
Ron, what have you done now? asked Dean.
Yeah, what the f*** did you do now? said Clem.
Well, I saw Wormtail, so I tried to kill him. But it wasn't really Wormtail. It was some guy in a Mickey Mouse costume. It's not my fault. It's so hard to tell the difference between a mouse and a rat, though I guess that mouse was a bit bigger than Scabbers.
You've got to stop letting your temper get the better of you, Harry scolded.
Why are you dressed as a fish? Ron asked.
Harry blushed. Never mind! He snapped, his voice cracking a little.
Ooh! I'm telling Mom! said Ginny ecstatically. You are going to be in such big trouble!
Clem opened up her purse and began digging around for bale money. said Seamus, We don't have to pay, just drop your name and we can all go.
Seamus, no! yelled Clem, but it was too late.

Clem swatted Seamus on the back of the head. Ow! What was that for? Seamus demanded.
Never drop your name to a cop! Clem growled through clenched teeth. They were all now sitting on the floor of Ron's cell, wearing old fashion striped prison uniforms. The stench drifting over through the bars of Lester's cell was less that pleasant, and Lester himself kept giving them unnerving, menacing, murderous looks. They had been accused of conspiring with Ron, and beating up the mouse as some sort of hate crime. You better hope we get a really good lawyer, because you won't last ten minutes in the slammer; I'll make sure of it!
Once, on an episode of I Love Lucy... Lavender began, but Clem smacked her too.
That's enough out of you, said a jailer, who had appeared at their cell while they had been busy hitting each other. C'mon kids. Time for your trial. He unlocked the door and they all followed him out.

This is the court of Judge Judy. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final, said a disembodied voice.
Oh my gawd! squealed Parvati. We're on Judge Judy!
Aw! I wanted to be on Sally, whined Lavender.
I wonder if Rita's watching, said Dean.
barked Judge Judy, slamming her judge-hammery-thing (what the heck is that think called!?) Now I understand Mr. Carl Grigorio is suing you for attacking him when you were in Disney World, correct?
A murmur of confusion rippled through the group. Yes, your honor, spoke Ron, then to the group he whispered, that's the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume.
Well, Mr. Weasley, would you please describe, in your own words, exactly what happened?
Well, we had just finished riding the merry go round, said Ron nervously, reading the notes Clem had scribbled on his hand earlier, when this dude dressed as Mickey comes over and starts sexually harassing Hermione.
How did he harass her?
Er... He called her a whore and... er... touched her inappropriately.
And what did you do?
I defended her maidenly innocence and slugged the guy.
Mr. Grigorio, is that what happened? asked Judge Judy, rounding on Carl Grigorio, who had a brace around his neck, his arm in a sling, and some very nasty looking bruises.
No! He just saw me and attacked. He tried to strangle me with a Lady and the Tramp dish towel!
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining! snapped Judge Judy. You expect me believe that this young man tried to kill you for no reason at all?
replied Mr. Grigorio
Mr. Potter, said Judge Judy. You are Mr. Weasley's best friend of five years. Yes? Harry nodded. Have you ever known him to act insane or delusional?
No, Ma'am, Harry replied. Well, there was that summer when we experimented a little, but that's different.
I'm sure it is. Ms. Swan, where were you when the incident occurred?
I was buying an ice-cream cone from a vendor nearby, she lied. I saw Ron punch the mouse, and then Mr. Grigorio tried to bite Ron, and then Harry threw up under a bush.
Mr. Finnigan, can you vouch for this?
I was on the tea cups. Harry got sick and threw up under a bush. Then he went to have lunch with Dean and Parvati.
Ms. Brown, Where were you when all this occurred?
Me? I was on a parade float. Ginny was there too. She was Ariel.
And speaking of the parade, Ms. Granger, where were you?
Well, after Ron got arrested, I went looking for the others. I found Lavender and Ginny on the floats.
And what did you do?
Hermione blushed. I sang a Wayne Newton song.
Listen, if you were my daughter I wouldn't put up with this crap from you, young lady. Why were you singing on the Little Mermaid float?
Have you ever seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining! Listen, you can't just jump on floats and...
Excuse me, Ginny cut in. What does the danke shoen incident have to do with my brother attacking a giant mouse?
Don't interrupt me! Judge Judy barked. You have no respect! Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused?
Yes, ma'am.
Don't you, yes, ma'am,' me. You think I got this job because I'm stupid? Nuh-uh, I got this job cause I'm smart. And you're not fooling anybody with your yes ma'am's. You understand me?! I'm ready to make my decision.
Oh no, Harry groaned. We're cooked now for sure.
Who will save us? wailed Seamus.
Someone kicked through the courtroom door. Fear not, Harry and friend of Harry! cried a fat boy standing on a gold razor scooter and wearing a cape. It was Dudley! I will save you!
My hero! sighed Parvati, falling over in a dramatic swoon.
The theme song from Mighty Mouse began to play as Dudley scooted around the courtroom and sang, Here I come to save the day! Dudley scooted a bit, and then he scooted some more, and then he stopped and rested for a bit, and then he went right on back to scooting.
said Harry, Are you going to scoot around all day, or are you going to save us?
I will save you! said Dudley in a mighty voice. Hop on my golden scooter of justice and I will scoot us all to safety! They did just so with out hesitation, and soon they were far far away from the wrath of the evil Judge Judy. Well, it looks like my job here is done, said Dudley, when he felt they were a save distance from any danger. They dismounted the scooter.
Thank you so much, said Clem.
No need to thank me, ma'am. It's all in a days work. With that, Dudley scooted off into the sunset.
What are we going to do now? Harry asked. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Shut up and get in the car, said Hermione.
We don't have a car.
GET IN THE CAR! Hermione roared.
She's loosing it again, Clem murmured.
said Ron uneasily, opening the door to an imaginary car. Look, I'm in the car. The other got into the too.
Now drive, Hermione ordered.
Ron put and imaginary key in an imaginary ignition. Vroom vroom, He said, We're really driving now. Then he turned to the group and whispered. On my cue we put her in a full body bind. all right? They nodded.
Is everybody having fun!? Hermione asked, with murder in her eyes.
they all replied.
DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR! She screamed. You kids better behave.
Ron shouted. There were a series of small explosions, and a lot of confusion, but in the end they had Hermione in a magical straight-jacket.
Let me go! she wailed. Let me go or you'll regret it!
We'd better get her back to Hogwarts and to the infirmary, Harry said. Everyone agreed, except for Hermione, who's response was, Clowns will eat you all! They picked her up (Give me back my shoe! she shrieked) and they all aparated back to Hogwarts. Normally nobody under 18 can aparate, and nobody can aparate at Hogwarts, but luckily there was a big plot hole in the no aparation barrier.
They were greeted by a rather unpleasant sight. Snape and Dumbledore were sitting on lawn chairs in the hall. Dumbledore was listening intently to an old fashion radio, and Snape was watching an old rabbit eared tv on a card table. Their backs were to the group and Snape and Dumbledore had yet to notice the nine teenagers that had appeared out of nowhere behind them. Harry instinctively clasped a hand over Hermione's mouth so she couldn't yell nonsense and get them all caught. Hermione bit Harry's hand. Harry shouted. Snape turned around
Ah, Mr. Potter, he said greasily.
Ah, Mr. Snape, Harry returned.
I was just watching Judge Judy, Snape said. Harry blanched. Snape smiled ominously. Beating up a man in a Mickey Mouse suit. My, my, Potter. How many points shall I take from Griffindor this time? Snapes love for Harry had obviously expired by now, and thus, they were in some deep shit.
Wait a second, Dean interrupted. You watch Judge Judy!? Ha ha! Dean, Seamus, Clem, and Lavender all found this hysterically funny and fell over laughing. Snape watches Judge Judy! Snape blushed and growled at them, which only made them laugh harder.
He yelled, in defeat, and went back to his soaps.
You children wouldn't happen to know anything about the muggle sport baseball, would you? Dumbledore asked suddenly. Dean, Seamus, Clem, and Lavender immediately stopped laughing. I'm listening to a Yankee game on the radio and it sounds as if two girls quite similar to Miss Brown and Miss Patil have just been thrown from the field.
We weren't at any baseball game, said Parvati quickly.
We weren't, Lavender said desperately. We're here!
Of course you were, said Dumbledore, a merry twinkle in his eye. I was just pointing out what an unusual coincidence it was. Now, you might want to be getting your friend Miss Granger to the hospital wing. She appears to be foaming at the mouth.
They all looked over at Hermione, who was chewing on one of the suits of armor. Thankful for an excuse to leave they approached Hermione and attempted to haul her off for Madam Pomfry to deal with. C'mon, Hermione, coaxed Clem, We're going to take you away, he he ha ha ho ho. Hermione cawed like a crow.

Madam Pomfry was sitting at her desk, reading a magazine, when they arrived. Can I help you? she asked.
said Harry. The problem is Hermione. She's... well it seems she's a bit...
She's gone batty! said Seamus. dotty, loopy, no compos mentis. She's flipped her lip, popped her top. She's got herself a one-way ticket to the funny farm. I mean cookoo cookoo, CRAZY!
You kiss your mama with that mouth? demanded Ron.
Hermione's not here right now, squawked Hermione. This is Davie.
said Madam Pomfy, setting down her magazine, Is it true that Cher is the surrogate mother for your baby?
Harry sputtered.
said Dean and Parvati in unison.
But it's not just one baby, it's triplets!
So who's the mother? asked Madam Pomfry.
Vega Verita, a sexy Sicilian mob boss Harry met last summer when he was vacationing in Rome.
Of course his girlfriend, the Canadian circus star, she thinks the baby is hers.
And Regis Philbin thinks Cher is the biological mother and he's the father.
coughed Ron indignantly. Hermione is insane here. Shouldn't we try to help her instead of gossiping about people I've never heard of.
sighed Madam Pomfry. But when I'm done you'll have to tell me all about Harry's plastic surgery. So when did the symptoms begin?
Harry stuttered. This afternoon.
What did she do?
She jumped on a parade float and sang Danke Shoen.
Did she know all the words? Harry nodded gravely. Oh deer! This is serious. all right, everybody out. This calls for immediate action. She picked up a broom and started shooing the kids out of the room.
NO BEER AND NO TV MAKE HERMO-NINNY GO CRAZY! they heard Hermione shout just before the heavy doors slammed behind them.
You think Hermione's gonna be all right? asked Ron, worried.
Who cares? We got away with everything! Seamus cheered.
No thanks to you, Clem reminded him.
Who cares? We got away with everything! Seamus repeated.
I guess you have a point. Well, we're still young and free, and rich, and popular, and high on sugar. Lets go have some fun! Clem declared.
they all shouted, and ran off cheering.

They'd been running and cheering around the castle for an hour or two, and they were quite out of breath. This is dumb, said Dean. We just keep running. Where are we going?
I dunno, replied Seamus, I thought we were just running.
We should run to someplace, said Harry thoughtfully, sitting down to rest.
I know! Let's go visit Hermione, suggested Ron brightly. The others shrugged in agreement.
We've got nothing better to do, said Lavender.
Yeah! We've got nothing better to do! They cheered, and ran off again.

Lavender picked the lock on the infirmary door, as was her specialty. She pushed the door open cautiously, peeked in, and fainted. The others shoved the door wide open and were greeted by a ghastly sight. Hermione was sitting with her feet propped up on Madam Pomfry's desk, chewing on a great big piece of raw meat that looked like a leg. At the end of the leg was what they recognized as Madam Pomfry's shoe, and Madam Pomfry's head was sitting in Hermione's lap.
What have you done? Seamus gasped.
Hermione turned to them. Her bloodstained lips curved into an evil smile.
Harry screamed. They dashed down the hall screaming.
Hermione shot off after them.

A/N: I confess I was going to end this story three chapters ago, but I decided to continue because it was fun. Then I was going to end it this chapter, but I got an idea about four chapters ago, and decided to run with it. So what will happen now? If you want to find out, you first must review. Cookies this time for whoever can tell me what that judge-hammer-thing is called. I really don't know.