Harry Potter does New York
Chapter Seven
(Working Subtitle: Scary fanfic)
by Deviant1

When we last left our beloved characters, Hermione had eaten the school nurse, and the other had dashed away in fear, trampling Lavender in the process. They ran down the hall with Hermione hot on their heels. You can run, my pretties, but you can't hide! she yelled.
Suddenly they made a sharp turn down an empty corridor. They pressed up against the wall, hoping Hermione wouldn't see them. Miraculously, she rushed past them.
Quick, in here, Harry whispered, gesturing to an empty classroom. They swiftly ducked in and locked the door behind them.
Oh god! Whined Parvati. I always knew Granger was a psycho after that dress she wore to the Yule Ball, but I had no idea she was really a... Parvati made a motion like she was stabbing someone with a knife, ... psycho.
Do you think it was Ron's disappearance or that awful court room scene that unhinged her? asked Dean.
If you ask me it was bad writing, growled Ron, rounding on Clem. Clem backed away, cautiously. You've continued this fic long enough, and it's time to put and end to it. END TO IT!
gasped Clem, but it was in vain. Ron knew what he had to do, darn him if anything was going to stop him now.
I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago. Porcius! a jet of pink light flashed out of Ron's wand and hit Clem. There was a poof of smoke, and then she was gone. The faint smell of bacon lingered in the air. Where Clem had been standing was now a little pink pig, which was squealing madly.
Oh my gosh, Ron, said Harry in disbelief. You've turned her into a pig.
It had to be done Harry, replied Ron, shaking his head. It just had to be done.
Oy, shu'up, said Seamus suddenly. I think I hear something.
Ron clamped his hand over the pig's mouth and they were all very quiet. Far off, they heard someone singing softly. Danke shoen, darling, danke shoen... They held their breath as the singer got closer and the singing grew louder. Thank you for all the joy and pain... They could hear it right outside the door. The sound dwindled, and finally disappeared, indicating that Hermione had gone to reep havoc on some other part of the Hogwarts castle.
Here's Johnny! Hermione chopped through the door with an ax. They recoiled and screamed in terror. Hermione raised the ax high above her head and brought it down with a swoop. Seamus's head dropped dully off his head and landed on the floor with a thud. Blood (don't worry, it's really just ketchup) flew everywhere.
Hermione, you b*tch! yelled Seamus's head from the floor. I can't believe you chopped off my head!
Not like you ever used it, quipped Ron. Seamus's body went over to Ron and started kicking him. Hey! Quit it!
Hermione yelled. They turned their attention back to Hermione, who once again had the ax held high, poised to strike.
Seamus grabbed his screaming head off the floor and they all ran like the wind. Hermione shot off after them. She's gaining on us! Dean shouted. Lucky for them there was a conveniently placed tricycle in the middle of the hall, just big enough for them all to ride on.
They zoomed down the hall on the big wheel, until Hermione was well out of sight. That was close, sighed Harry, peddling along the dimly lit corridor.
Come play with us.
Who said that? yelled Parvati.
Come join our tea party.
Parvati went white. She grabbed Harry's arm and pointed to two figures standing at the end of the hall. Two twins were there looking at the group grimily. Come play with us.
Fred! George! Ron gasped.
We want to play, said George.
Join our tea party, said Fred, holding out a canary custard. It will be lots off fun.
They sprung from the tricycle and ran in the opposite direction. Fred and George made no efforts to go after them, but still the group ran and ran... until they ran into Hermione.
Hello, everybody, said Hermione, quite pleasantly. Sorry I freaked out and killed a bunch of people. I guess I was a little bit possessed.
It's okay, Hermione, said Ron. We all freak out sometimes.
agreed headless Seamus. Remember when made a pipe bomb and blew up that charms classroom? I don't know what had gotten into me. They all laughed merrily, recollecting Seamus's silliness.
Let's all go back to the common room and have a friendly game of exploding snap, suggested Harry.
All right, said Parvati, but first I need to take a shower and wash off all this fake blood.

Parvati happily washed away the last traces of ketchup from her hair. She picked up her shampoo bottle and started singing the song from the Herbal Essence commercial, as she always did when nobody could hear.
She's got the urge -natural botanicals- She's got the urge to herbal! Hermione sneaked stealthily into the bathroom, trusty dagger in hand. She'd left the game of exploding snap early, saying she was exhausted from all that killing, and that something she ate was giving her a bit of a stomach ache. Little did her deceivable friends know, the killing had just kicked off. I hope those boys come back for the body wash. Hermione threw back the shower curtain. Parvati screamed at the top of her lounges.
Hermione waved the knife around vehemently and squirted Parvati with ketchup. Hermione, I just washed off all that ketchup! Parvati put a hand over her wound' and staggered around the bathroom. She grabbed the shower curtain for stability, but it could not hold her weight. The little rungs snapped one by one and she and the shower curtain both fell to the floor. Hermione laughed evilly and ran of to commit more random acts of violence.

I've got a bad feeling about this, scouts.
Harry rolled over in his bed. It was around midnight and he just couldn't sleep. Hermione's switch from evil back to good seemed to suddenly perfect. But that wasn't what was keeping Harry up. It was Neville's Sailor Moon doll, which said things when you pushed its tummy. Neville had rolled over on top of it in his sleep around half an hour ago, and it had been keeping Harry awake ever since.
I stand for love and justice.
Maybe Harry Potter's insomnia on that fateful night was just chance, or maybe it was fate. Whatever the reason, it was a good thing Harry was awake. If he hadn't been awake nobody would have heard the soft footstep creeping up the stairs; nobody would have heard the faint creek of the door being opened; nobody would have heard the sound of the sword being drawn; nobody would have heard the curtains of Ron's bed being drawn; nobody would have heard the quiet, evil laugh of a person possessed by a cold-hearted killer. Needless to say, Harry Potter did.
Harry peaked out from his curtains, and was terrified by what he saw. Hermione's sword was hovering over Ron's chest. She licked her lips maliciously and and raised the sword. With brain sick determination in her eyes, she brought the sword down.
In the name of the moon, I will punish you!
Harry cried, just before the sword could pierce Ron's skin. The sword flew from Hermione's hands, and was caught by Harry. Harry then stabbed his pillow with it (just to be dramatic) and struck a superman pose, hand on his hips, imaginary cape flapping behind him in the breeze.
*Gasp* Tuxedo Mask!
His dramatic moment cut short by Sailor Moon, Harry decided he's better wake the others and make a run for it.
Moon... prism... POWER!

She'll never find us in here, whispered Dean. He, Harry, and Ron were hiding in a coat closet. Seamus's headless body had ran off to look for his head, which Mrs. Norris had rolled into her litter box. Clem had been turned into a pig, they had unintentionally trampled Lavender when they were running from Hermione, and her body had later been stuffed in a broom closet (don't worry, she's not dead), and Parvati was still lying on the bathroom floor after being doused with ketchup. Not just any ketchup, Heins Tomato Ketchup, it's fun for your food *wink*flashy smile*. So now it was just the three boys who were left.
The closet door was throw open. Hermione stood, silhouetted in moonlight, snarling at them. You though you could escape, did you? She growled. Thought you could pull a fast on on HERMIONE GRANGER?! They nodded weakly. WELL YOU CAN'T! she roared. Nobody can outsmart me. I am Hermione Granger and I AM GOD! They backed away, deeper into the closet. You were fools to resist me, she continued, starting to sound like Voldemort. And you shall now be punished for your foolishness. PREPARE TO DIE!... what's this? Hermione, who had been waving a gun around, suddenly stopped and became very interested in a coat on a hanger (A/N: you Joan Crawford fans know where this is going). My coat is on a wire hanger? NO WIRE HANGERS! Hermione wailed. What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you no wire hangers?! EVER!!!! I work till I'm half dead and I hear people say she's getting old! What do I get ? A daughter who cares as much about a beautiful dress I give her as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet?! Answer me! I buy you beautiful dresses and you treat 'em like some dishrag! You threw a 300 dollar dress on a wire hanger! We'll see how many you got hidden in here, we'll see! All of this is coming out! Out! Out! Out! Out! We're gonna see how many wire hangers you got in your closet! Wire hangers. Why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed! Get out of that bed! Hermione picked up a wire hanger and began to beat Dean with it. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care about crease marks from wire hangers, and your room looks like some two dollar unfurnished room in some two- bit back street town in Oklahoma! Get up! Clean up this mess! Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? Did you?
At this point Hermione stopped beating Dean with the hanger drove it into his chest. If it had been a wooden, or ever a plastic hanger, Dean might have been injured, but the flimsy wire hanger simply bent. Hermione laughed away crackbrainedly anyway, and splashed some ketchup on Dean. Dean keeled over on the closet floor.
Goodbye Harry, Goodbye Ron, Dean croaked. I'll see you in... heaven!
Dean, you're not dead, said Harry. You've just got ketchup on your shirt.
It's no use trying to save me now, Harry. Dear, sweet Harry, Dean whispered. I'm too far gone. I can already see the pearly white gates of the great beyond. Ron, I want you to have my cd player.
That's my cd player, Dean! Harry cried indignantly. You borrowed it from me and never gave it back!
Tell Professor Sprout that I always loved her, Dean continued.
You can tell her yourself, Dean, Harry argued. Because you're not dying!
Dean ignored Harry. It's all fading so fast. These are my last breaths. I love you guys. Dean closed his eyes, never to open them again.
Wake up, dumb ass, Harry yelled, kicking Dean. You're not dead! Wake up!
I know it's hard to accept, Harry, said Ron, putting his arm around Harry's shoulders. But the fact is that Dean is dead. He's not coming back.
Hermione, who had been forgotten in the midst of Dean's dramatic dying scene, broke down into sobs. What have I done? She wept, kneeling besides Dean's lifeless figure. What have I done? My own daughter! Oh Tina!
Harry and Ron decided to use this opportunity to escape. They shut the closet door behind them and ran
down
to
the
dungeons.

In need of a good hiding spot, they found themselves in an empty potions classroom; or at least they thought it was empty. Severus Snape was sitting at his desk, glaring at them.
said Harry, breathlessly. You gotta help us!
Snape said nothing
Hermione's gone nuts, Harry continued. She's trying to kill everybody!
Snape said nothing.
There's a cold hearted killer on the loose! Do something! Harry grabbed Snape's shoulders and shook him violently. Snape fell face down onto the desk. A pare of pink safety scissors could been seen sticking out of Snape's back, drenched in ketchup.
Oh no! gasped Ron, turning slightly green. She's been here too.
They're safety scissors, Ron. They have no blades, Harry said indignantly. He's not even bleeding. That's ketchup!
Heins Tomato Ketchup, Ron added. He pulled a bottle out of nowhere and held it out, grinning at an imaginary camera. It's twisted and wrong. Then snapping back to reality,' he turned to Harry and said, We've got to get out of here.

Harry, we've passed that poodle shaped bush like twelve times; we're going in circles! Harry and Ron were in the hedge maze they had used for the triwizard tournament. It was spooky and dark and Harry and Ron were lost among the strange ferns and bushed.
They were different bushes! said Harry cholerically. There are millions of poodle shape bushes in this maze.
said a person behind them, holding out some hedge clippers imminently.
Harry and Ron screamed like little girls and tried to run, but were restrained. Now what are you boys doing out? asked Filch menacingly.
Our friend, Hermione, she's gone daffy! Ron explained. She ate Madam Pomfry, and she chopped off Seamus's head, and she stabbed Parvati, and she stabbed Dean, and she stabbed Parvati, and she stabbed Snape!
Nobody actually died, Harry added.
This happened once before, said Filch, a glimmer of terror flickering in his eyes. Oh, they tried to cover it up, but we all knew it would happen again. The ancient powers that summoned the curse never left. They're just waking up again.
What are you talking about?
Boys, there's quite a few things you don't know about Hogwarts. For one thing, it's built on a Native American burial ground.
But this is Scotland! Interrupted Harry. Why would Native American's be buried here?
Quiet, Boy! Anyway, On top of that, it was also the sight of a radioactive waist plant, and several massacres. Around 53 years ago, weird things started to happen.
That's when the chamber of secrets was opened! said Harry.
Don't be stupid, boy! That chamber of secrets story was made up to cover up a different story. The story of how a little girl went mad. She was a sweet, smart, girl, loved by all. Then one day, she just snapped. Started spraying ketchup everywhere. Filch paused and shivered. Oh, that ketchup took forever to clean up. What a mess.
What happened to her?
They killed her. Somebody put a basilisk after her. Real nice kid. He got a special service award for stopping all the killings. I think his name was Tom.
Tom Riddle? asked Harry, dubiously. Filch nodded gravely. And was the girl Moaning Myrtle? Filch nodded again.
exclaimed Ron suddenly. Where'd Ginny go? she was with us at the beginning of the chapter.
Um... Ron? said Harry. That wouldn't be her hanging from that tree, would it?
Ginny Weasley had a rope around her ankles and was hanging upside-down from an oak tree. Her skin was milk white, her bloodshot eyes were wide open but not moving, and there was ketchup dripping from her mouth.
Oh no! gasped Filch. I know she wasn't there a minute ago.
That must mean...
Hermione jumped out of a bush with a chain saw and cut Filch into little pieces. Each little piece sprouted six legs and scurried away in different directions. Which one of you is next? asked Hermione menacingly, revving the chain saw.
Look, Hermione, just put the saw down, Ron coaxed. Nobody has to get hurt. We can go back to the common room, and you can make me a sandwich. Just like old times.
I'll make you a sandwich now! said Hermione. She raised her wand and shouted, A jet of sandwich colored light darted at Ron and he turned into a sandwich. Get it? She made him a sandwich!
That was really lame, said Harry. Hermione gave him an evil look and Harry ran away again.

Harry tried no to sneeze as another dust bunny flew up his nose. He was huddled under an armchair in the Griffindor common room.
Hermione called malevolently. Oh, Harry? Come out, come out where ever you are. Hermione paused, sniffing the air like a dog. From under his chair, Harry could hear Hermione's slow footsteps coming towards him. He held his breath, squeezed his eyes shut, and hoped the loud beating of his heart wouldn't give him away.
Hermione kicked the chair over, revealing a dust covered Harry. Ready to die, Potter? She asked, holing out a broken beer bottle.
Harry sobbed. Why are you doing this, Hermione?
Why? Why? Because I love you!

A/N: So what will happen next? Next chapter is the ending. Review.