Disclaimer: Yes, yes, nothings mine. Lets just get on with it, okay?
The Return of The Ultimate Mary Sue (in Self Insertion)
The Saga Continues…
WEL, I DINT GAT 10373537 REVIEWS, BUT IM POZTING THE SECOND CHP ANYWEY, CUZ IM A NIZ PERZON!!! HEEHEE (oh haha...yes…I'm convulsing with laughter. Terribly witty, that was.) ANYWEYZZZZZZZ, THNKS TO AVERYWAN WHO REVIEWED. HERE…U GAT A COKIE…HEEHEE…(Note: Spelling mistakes in that segment are intentional, in order to portray a proper Self-Inserted Mary Sue)
Right, so where were we? Oh yes…Everyone else is too busy prancing their nancing to notice Ascafalath's degeneration, and his succumbing to the Dark Side, despite the fact that he is curled up in a fetal position and whispering "my preciouss…" because this is, and I will repeat it again, this is a SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE.
Why did Ascafalath turn evil? One would wonder. Well, it is yet another case of the if-I-can't-have-the-cookie-than-no-one-else-can syndrome, which is about as original as burgers in a fast food restaurant. So he automatically becomes psychotic and obsessed with Alagedhelwen, as well as the Other Ring. He's obsessed with the Other Ring too?! We gasp in (mock) horror. Damn right he is. Don't ask the author why, these senseless things just take place in Self-Inserted Mary Sues.
We will leave Ascafalath to plot whatever he is plotting, though I seriously doubt that he actually experiences brain activity. On to Alagedhelwen. She is nancing by the banks of the Misty River (note: Silverlode. Self-Inserted Mary Sue author has never even touched the Fellowship of the Ring BOOK. Of course, we don't know that do we? Misty River is what she named it, so Misty River it will be). Alagedhelwen happens to be wearing one of those translucent, loooooooong, white nighties, which are extremely low cut. Nurwethion also happens to be nancing around the banks of the Misty River, bare chested (note: Don't ask me why. Its just the way a Self-Inserted Mary Sue works. Thinking bout it makes me feel sick.) and oh-so coincidentally bumps into her. And he growls
"Hi."
While she demands
"What are you doing here?" in her spitfire-y , headstrong voice, trying desperately to cover herself up, since she is wearing that bloody revealing nightie, the pretentious whore (note: I didn't call her a pretentious whore did I? No, of course I didn't call her a pretentious whore.). Nurwethion has a surge of Elvish Testosterone moment and silently grapples with his urge to shag her, while Alagedhelwen has a surge of Elvish Estrogen moment and silently grapples with her urge to shag him. This silence is interpreted by us as a TENSE silence, not a hormonally-charged silence. And the readers shake their computer screaming "Kiss her Nurwethion, you handsome bastard! We know you hate her but the both of you are PERFECT for each other! KISS HER!". The author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue also will not be able to stand the torture of her dream-couple hating each other. So here goes nothing.
Nurwethion slooowly advances toward Alagedhelwen, who stands frozen, letting her hands drop to her sides, so that he can se EVERYTHING, since she is wearing that translucent white nightie of hers. Nurwethion stares into her beautiful, fiery emerald eyes (note: here we choose to ignore the fact that Nurwethion is drooling. After all, we are utterly mesmerised by the story, are we not?), his arms encircle her waist, and before you know it, it's a long drawn, tongue-in-the-other-persons-mouth, salivary, 20 minute snog.
Note: Please excuse the author for a while. She has to run off to the toilet to puke. But note that a typical Self-Inserted Mary Sue author will have tears of joy in her eyes, and all who read this will go "Awwwww…sniff...that was so BEAUTIFUL!" yes, and I'm the Queen of England.
Author note: Okay, I'm back. By the Valar, that was traumatic. I'm bloody scarred for the rest of my bloody life!
Back to the story. After the snogging, comes the all-night-long, xxx-rated, NC-17, very graphic, smut. (The author refuses to write this part. You can lock me up with orcs for all I care, I will NOT write that part), at exactly the same place where Legolas and Vordolwen shagged. Oh wow. What a coincidence. Ascafalath, as expected, sees this, and immediately plots to kill Nurwethion (Preciouss iss mine…you cannot takess preciouss away from Ascafalath…). When the lovely (sex-charged) couple have finally finished shagging, they sing. Oh wow. Alagedhelwen's voice is more beautiful that her parents voices combined together, and it must be noted that Vordolwen's voice is more beautiful than the voices of Celine Dion, Sarah Brightman, Lea Salonga, Barbara Streisand, Charlotte Church and every other bloody fantastic female singer in the world put together, while Legolas' voice is more beautiful than Michael Ball, Josh Groban, Ronan Keating, Luciano Pavarotti, Colm Wilkinson and every other bloody fantastic male singer in the world put together (Again note that the author does not like Ronan Keating. But there was not much to choose from). What song do they sing? The "I Love You" song, version two.
The I Love You Song, v. 2.0
I Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuu
Our love is as true
As the sky is blue
And our hearts will soar
Forever more
Because I Love You
Yes its true
I Love YOUUUUUUUUUU!
Out jumps Ascafalath, screaming bloody murder, brandishing a dagger, trying to kill Nurwethion. Alagedhelwen, miraculously clothed even though she was naked a milli-second ago, leaps in front of Nurwethion, with a cry of
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Ascafalath stabs her. (Duh.) Ascafalath is horrified. (I have killed preciouss…preciouss iss deadss!) Nurwethion is horrified (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!). Ascafalath kills himself. (Oh joy). Nurwethion rushes over to Alagedhelwen (Alagedhelwen! My love!). Nurwethion cradles Alagedhelwen. (Please don't die, my love). Nurwethion heals Ascafalath because he loves her so much (Self-Inserted Mary Sue, what did you expect?). Oh joy. Alagedhelwen is alive. Gasp! Hooray!.
Bye-bye to Lofftlorien. Galadriel and Kelebeletornian bid them farewell, and off go the happy couple, not the least bit upset that Ascafalath is dead (self-centered prickheads). They journey on cross hills, flowers, grass, earth, magically repelling any dirt that they come into contact with. And of course, every night, the sing the "I Love You v. 2.0) song, and shag.
Fast Forward to Mount Doom. Note that Alagedhelwen's magical pets, have performed the disappearing act, the same was Vordolwen's pets did. Note that Sauron is alive, owing to the fact that this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. So Sauron the Evil Bad Guy sends the ringwraiths after them. The ringwraiths try to take the Other Ring from Alagedhelwen, but she suddenly goes into a trance, and BOOM! POOF! Performs magic and kills them even though Ringwraiths, technically cannot die, since they are neither living nor dead. But this, my friends, is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. Thus, Alagedhelwen daintily tosses the Other Ring into the fiery pits of Mount Doom. Its toodles to Sauron as he vanishes into thin air, and Mordor crumbles around Nurwethion and Alagedhelwen, who are too bust snogging to notice. Then miraculously, they are back in Rivenlorien, and are engaged to be married. No one, not Legolas nor Vordolwen nor Aragorn nor Erwon are the least bit sad at Ascafalath's death.
Fast Forward to wedding day. Alagedhelwen is wearing yet another looooooooong, white, translucent, low cut dress, but it's a wedding gown this time. Oh yeah, and Nurwethion has magically morphed into an elf.
Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon: I now pronounce you elf and wi-
A voice calls out: Wait!
A figure barges into the chapel. Who is this mysterious gate-crasher? None other than-
Legolas: Sauron? Wha-how-what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead!
Sauron: Yes, I know, but my application to go to Hell got turned down. The Devil was afraid of the competition, and rejected my idea to turn Hell into Mordor Version 2.0. And apparently, according to Saint Peter, I'm too HOT for Heaven. Sooo, here I am! Ta-dah!
Nurwethion (melodramtically): Get lost! You shall never get your hands on my love Alagedhelwen!
Gimli: Sauronkins? Is that you, Pooh-bear?
Sauron: Yes, Gimli-wimli, my bearded little sugar-pie.
Gimli: You've come back for me, Sauron-poo! I always knew you would!
Sauron: Yes, lovie, and I also came to walk my daughter down the aisle, but I'm a bit too late.
Legolas, Vordolwen, Aragorn, Erwon, Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon, Nurwethion, Alagedhelwen all scream: Your DAUGHTER!
Sauron and Gimli clasp each others hands lovingly
Sauron: Well, it was after I told Gimli that I fancied him. We went to the Prancing Pony for a candlelight dinner, booked the honeymoon suite and well…you know…shagged. Without protection. Silly us!
Gimli: And since Sauron is Vordolwen, naturally, Vordolwen got pregnant, because Sauron obviously can't give birth.
Sauron: And now that Vordolwen has served her purpose…
Sauron throws a bucket of water at Vordolwen.
Vordolwen: I'm melting!
Vordolwen melts into nothingness
Alagedhelwen: Get away from me, Sauron, you…you evil bad guy!
Sauron (shrugs): Oh well, I never wanted a daughter anyway. I would rather have an Uruk-hai (nudges Gimli, who blushes)
Sauron snaps his fingers and a horse appears
Gimli: Oh Sauronkins! The latest Porsche Horse 4000 with turbo boosters! You shoudn't have!
Sauron: Anything for you, Gimlikins
Thus, Sauron and Gimli nance off into the sunset together, and this time, they really do live happily ever after.
THE OTHER END
Author notes: Well, that was fun! To Starbrat, I hope you're happy now that your favourite couple are together again! YAY! Once again, no offence to Mary Sue writers. Thanks to all who read and reviewed this fic as well as its prequel! Thanks to the person who labelled me as "disturbingly sarcastic". I'm flattered. No really! I take that as a compliment! I'm absolutely serious about that. It was honestly one of the most flattering things anybody's ever said about me. Thanks again, people! Go you!
--Millikov