Whatever happened to our dear Mary Sue and friends?
VORDOLWEN melted and ended up being blown to Kansas where she owns a dog named Toto, and made friends with a scarecrow, tin man and lion.
LEGOLAS was doomed fall for Mary-Sue after Mary-Sue, the turning point came when he fell for a Slashy-Sue (Author note: My own creation. Exactly like a Mary-Sue/ Gary-Stu, except that he/she's gay/lesbian). This led LEGOLAS to lock himself up in ISENGARD, where he spent the rest of his days searching for the gateway to enlightenment and spiritual epiphany (Just go to Valinor, you moron), by meditating and consuming excessive amounts of heroin.
NURWETHION was the Slashy-Sue LEGOLAS fell for (note: actually, LEGOLAS was forced by an evil Mary Sue writer. But shh…we don't know that. After all, LEGOLAS and NURWETHION are the PERFECT slash couple! *Hack, cough, cough, hurl*) LEGOLAS could take it no more, and killed NURWETHION using his special martial art skill-SUPREME HAIR SWORDSMANSHIP! (I.e., whipping one's hair around as a sword substitute)
HOOMBAROOMBALADEEDA and SISSYISSYWISSYKUMBAYA are happily engaged in a gay relationship. How sweet. Awwwww…
ASCAFALTH and GOLLUM/SMEAGOL are also happily engaged in a gay relationship, whispering sweet nothings to each other and some unknown person/thing every night, along the lines of GOLLUM: "Preciouss…they try to takes preciouss away from uss…yess…will protectss preciouss won't we, Ascafalath, my sweetss?"
ASCAFALATH: "No…will not letss them takess away the preciouss… yess…preciouss. Our preciouss…"
Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever seen?
They also have frequent meetings with a mysterious person/elf/hobbit/whatever named HIKA, where they would plot to take over Middle-earth.
PIPPIN opened a shop selling "magic mushrooms", of which LEGOLAS is a frequent customer.
MERRY lives with a den of RABBITS, and they spend all their days nancing in the meadows eating carrots.
QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON, his senses dulled by his love of the hobbit-weed, mistook LURTZ THE URUK-HAI for an elf, and decided to make LURTZ his shag-mate. LURTZ, though wronged, is generous enough to forgive, and let QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON go on mistaking him for an elf. But alas, it was not to be, as QUI GON JINN THE ELECTRIC MAROON discovered who LURTZ really was, and, thoroughly traumatized, he moved to Britain, and reverted back the being DUMBLEDORE THE NEON PINK. He also has a new shag-mate, a certain lightning scarred boy with the initials H.P.
GLORFINDEL and FIGWIT are currently plotting ways to kill ERWON.
ERWON nicked FRODO away from ARAGORN, in the hope that FRODO would be her shag-mate. It worked.
ARAGORN and GIMLI frequent the Pearly Gates of Gimli, where they spend time with the BALROG, doing Valar knows what.
SARUMAN became exasperated with all the weird situations in Middle-earth, and migrated to a galaxy far far away, changing his name to COUNT DOOKU. It was there that he met MACE WINDU, who fell for COUNT DOOKU'S pick up line-"You can turn on my lightsaber anytime, baby." COUNT DOOKU and MACE WINDU are currently very much involved with each other, thus explaining why MACE WINDU carries that purple lightsaber of his.
SAM, ELROND and KELEBELETORNIAN make a fine threesome.
GALADRIEL is stuck as a bloody spinster for the rest of her days, as KELEBELETORNIAN abandoned her for purpler pastures.
BILBO and HALDIR have fun poking at GALADRIELS shag-mate-less state.
DIAMOND AND ROSE are shag-mates. They do not shave their underarm hair either.
ALAGEDHELWEN is dead. MILLIKOV killed her. (Yay!)
SAURON and GIMLI are living happily ever after. They have even hired a wedding planner, STARBRAT.
Author note: did this inspire you to write any Gimli/Sauron slash? If so, tell me about it. Starbrat and Hika, if you're interested, those were my fanfic challenges for you. E-mail me if you don't get it. mintminmint@hotmail.com. Thanks to all my other fantastic reviewers. Go you! In case you guys are wondering, I have read the lotr trilogy countless times. My fave section? The appendix.