Chapter One:
CJ's POV
It seemed to take ages for the motorcade to get to the White House. The president had ordered to take the longer route so the cars would not pass by the store. By the crime scene. By Simon. The plane flight back to Washington also seemed to drag on forever, even though I was completely left alone. Toby had convinced Leo that an on-board press briefing would not be appropriate, and that they could use Carol or myself when the situation cleared up more.
When we finally arrived, Toby gently grabbed my arm before I got out of the car. "CJ, I don't want you driving home tonight," he said softly, "I don't want you to be by yourself tonight, either."
I looked at him emptily, and pulled away in definance. Toby got out the other side and looked over the top of the car at me. I glanced at him briefly, and turned to walk back to my office to pick up my belongings, before he could say anything.
Once inside my office, my sanctuary, I collapsed in my chair and stared blankly at Gail, who was swimming carefreely in her bowl. I wanted to cry again, wanted to let all of my pain and sorrow out, but it wouldn't come. I wouldn't let it come. CJ Cregg was not supposed to cry like this. CJ Cregg is the most powerful woman in the West Wing, she cannot cry. So I sat there, not ready to leave yet, breathing in and out and completely losing myself in the silence and darkness of the outer offices. I did not realize that almost an hour had gone by until Josh peered his head into my office doorway. Sam had been quietly waiting in his office for me. Like a bodygaurd. Except, he's alive.
I looked up at him, saying nothing but expressing everything. Sam looked at me with the concern a brother would have towards his suffering big sister. "CJ, are you ready to go?" he asked quietly.
I nodded with a drop of my head, squeezed my eyes shut for half of a moment, scooped up my folders and notes, and followed Sam out of the White House. I am not sure how I put one foot in front of the other as I walked out of the doors to the West Wing. I was in another world. Another time. Not concious, but totally aware of the atmosphere. Crying, but expressing no tears.
I headed towards my car. The car I could finally drive, as it had been put back together. I found myself unable to go near it, as if it were a sacred object. In a way, it was. It was a symbol. A symbol of --
"CJ, I am not going to let you drive," Toby said solemnly as I turned around slowly. His car was running, placed directly behind mine, so I couldn't pull out even if I tried.
I felt like screaming. Like taking out all of my anger and sorrow and pain out on the one man who I knew cared about me more than anyone on the planet. Why was he so unfeasible? He is looking out for you, of course, the other part of my semi-aware mind told me.
I walked around the front of his car, and slid into the passenger seat as he pulled away.
We did not speak the entire time we were in the car. Toby kept his eyes glued to the road and I stared hazily out the window next to me.
The night's events played through my mind like an old movie: no sound, scratchy, and black and white.
I saw my refletcion in the car window. There I was, the one that was just releaved from being stalked, the one that was supposed to take a bullet, if any. I was living, breathing, feeling. A wave of fury suddenly swept over me. I glanced over at Toby, who was looked more tired and worn out than I had seen him in a long time. Amidst this evening's events, an ironic thought popped into my mind.
Toby, the man I loved and knew longer than anyone I know, and also whom I have never had an actual relationship with, has out-lasted and outlived all of the men I DID have a serious or potential connection with.
My thoughts once agian drifted to my first days with Simon. It was all I could do from breaking down in tears again. I remembered the trip to the mall with Hogan. Trying on that Vera Wang. Him being SO concerned for me. Was it part of the job or his actual feelings? That, I never found out. Almost kissing him a short while ago. ACTUALLY kissing him tonight.
Tonight? It seemed like eons ago, yet, it was just hours. His lips were warm and red. Not now. Not ever again. Now, he's cold and--"ow."
It wasn't until I tripped on the stone steps leading up to Toby's apartment that I realized I had been dazed and ignorant to what was going on for quite some time. Toby paused and looked at me. Every single last fraction of his kind brown eyes were full of concern and comferting warmth. "Are you alright?" he asked me, helping me up.
No, I was not alright. I don't think I'll EVER be alright again. My only hope was the man next to me, whom I loved since the day we had met.
I knew in my heart that I could get through this awful pain, with him by my side.
CJ's POV
It seemed to take ages for the motorcade to get to the White House. The president had ordered to take the longer route so the cars would not pass by the store. By the crime scene. By Simon. The plane flight back to Washington also seemed to drag on forever, even though I was completely left alone. Toby had convinced Leo that an on-board press briefing would not be appropriate, and that they could use Carol or myself when the situation cleared up more.
When we finally arrived, Toby gently grabbed my arm before I got out of the car. "CJ, I don't want you driving home tonight," he said softly, "I don't want you to be by yourself tonight, either."
I looked at him emptily, and pulled away in definance. Toby got out the other side and looked over the top of the car at me. I glanced at him briefly, and turned to walk back to my office to pick up my belongings, before he could say anything.
Once inside my office, my sanctuary, I collapsed in my chair and stared blankly at Gail, who was swimming carefreely in her bowl. I wanted to cry again, wanted to let all of my pain and sorrow out, but it wouldn't come. I wouldn't let it come. CJ Cregg was not supposed to cry like this. CJ Cregg is the most powerful woman in the West Wing, she cannot cry. So I sat there, not ready to leave yet, breathing in and out and completely losing myself in the silence and darkness of the outer offices. I did not realize that almost an hour had gone by until Josh peered his head into my office doorway. Sam had been quietly waiting in his office for me. Like a bodygaurd. Except, he's alive.
I looked up at him, saying nothing but expressing everything. Sam looked at me with the concern a brother would have towards his suffering big sister. "CJ, are you ready to go?" he asked quietly.
I nodded with a drop of my head, squeezed my eyes shut for half of a moment, scooped up my folders and notes, and followed Sam out of the White House. I am not sure how I put one foot in front of the other as I walked out of the doors to the West Wing. I was in another world. Another time. Not concious, but totally aware of the atmosphere. Crying, but expressing no tears.
I headed towards my car. The car I could finally drive, as it had been put back together. I found myself unable to go near it, as if it were a sacred object. In a way, it was. It was a symbol. A symbol of --
"CJ, I am not going to let you drive," Toby said solemnly as I turned around slowly. His car was running, placed directly behind mine, so I couldn't pull out even if I tried.
I felt like screaming. Like taking out all of my anger and sorrow and pain out on the one man who I knew cared about me more than anyone on the planet. Why was he so unfeasible? He is looking out for you, of course, the other part of my semi-aware mind told me.
I walked around the front of his car, and slid into the passenger seat as he pulled away.
We did not speak the entire time we were in the car. Toby kept his eyes glued to the road and I stared hazily out the window next to me.
The night's events played through my mind like an old movie: no sound, scratchy, and black and white.
I saw my refletcion in the car window. There I was, the one that was just releaved from being stalked, the one that was supposed to take a bullet, if any. I was living, breathing, feeling. A wave of fury suddenly swept over me. I glanced over at Toby, who was looked more tired and worn out than I had seen him in a long time. Amidst this evening's events, an ironic thought popped into my mind.
Toby, the man I loved and knew longer than anyone I know, and also whom I have never had an actual relationship with, has out-lasted and outlived all of the men I DID have a serious or potential connection with.
My thoughts once agian drifted to my first days with Simon. It was all I could do from breaking down in tears again. I remembered the trip to the mall with Hogan. Trying on that Vera Wang. Him being SO concerned for me. Was it part of the job or his actual feelings? That, I never found out. Almost kissing him a short while ago. ACTUALLY kissing him tonight.
Tonight? It seemed like eons ago, yet, it was just hours. His lips were warm and red. Not now. Not ever again. Now, he's cold and--"ow."
It wasn't until I tripped on the stone steps leading up to Toby's apartment that I realized I had been dazed and ignorant to what was going on for quite some time. Toby paused and looked at me. Every single last fraction of his kind brown eyes were full of concern and comferting warmth. "Are you alright?" he asked me, helping me up.
No, I was not alright. I don't think I'll EVER be alright again. My only hope was the man next to me, whom I loved since the day we had met.
I knew in my heart that I could get through this awful pain, with him by my side.