Chapter 3
Toby's POV
It wasnt until she stumbled on the steps leading to my apartment building that I saw CJ's cool green eyes snap back into focus. Her eyes narrowed, expression hardened. She had been dazed since we had gotten into the car, and it was a relief to see that she hadn't had some sort of attack or arrest.
From my car to the steps was a difficult journey. CJ was clutching on to me, her hand grasping my forearm. My other hand was interlocked with hers, holding it tightly for support.
As we walked down the street to the front steps, we apporached three men near a lightpost. One of them looked CJ up and down and then noticed how close together we were. As we passed the group up I heard him mumble, "The lucky bastard." The only thing preventing me from turning and slugging the guy in the face was the fear and knowledge that CJ would collapse without my support.
When we finally DID get to my apartment, I led her into my main room. I then went into my bedroom and pulled out a t-shirt and some shorts. I doubted my clothes would fit her tall, thin frame, but they had to be better than what she was wearing now. I paused at the doorway leading from my room where CJ was sitting. I could hear her slow, uneven breathing. I could feel her tension, trying with all of her might to be brave and not cry. I wanted to scream at her, yell that she can let it out like she did before! She didn't have anything to prove to me by NOT crying! CRY, damnit! Break down! But, no. I wasn't dealing with any other Barbie-doll woman. Not the typical damsel in distress, waiting for their knight in shining armor to come and save them. She was her own woman. Which is what I found so damn attractive about her.
I walked over to her and sat silently next to her on the couch. She stared straight ahead, possibly afraid that if she looked at me, she would lose it all. I waited for a minute next to her, seeing if I would get a reaction. When I received none, I placed the shirt and shorts next to her, and whispered that I would sleep on the couch if she wanted my room. She looked at me, eyes more tired than ever before, and smiled the smallest of smiles. She thanked me and hugged me briefly. Her cold, almost lifeless body fragile in my arms. She felt as if she could be dead herself. I suggested that I could give her some pajama pants, but she shook her head. She slipped into my bathroom, and I got changed into my pajamas, grabbing a pillow and an extra blanket for myself. I also took the alarm clock and plugged it in near my couch. No way she was going to work tomorrow. I set it for the appropriate time, whispered through the closed bathroom door to CJ that if she needed me at all during the night, just come and get me on the couch, and I turned the TV on to watch the news. Most of it was covering the death of Simon. I flipped to another channel so CJ wouldn't have to hear it.
Fifteen minutes later, I heard my bathroom door open and CJ went into my room, cracking the door open. The light was on for the longest of times, so I continued to stay up a while longer, in case she needed me. Another twenty minutes rolled by, and I peered over the couch at my bedroom door. The light had went out. I turned the TV off and lie on the couch, staring at the ceiling. ******~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~*************~~~~~~~~~~*********
At 5am, my alarm sounded. I flopped over and shut it off as soon as possible. I laid on the couch, and tried to recollect what had happened the previous night. The events flashed through my mind, and I suddenly remembered why I was on the couch and not in my bed. I rose slowly and yawned. I started the coffee, and ever so quietly crept into my room. I glanced over at CJ, who was sleeping soundlessly. I smiled briefly, comforted that she could at least sleep in peace. I grabbed clothes for work out of my closet, stole another glance at the woman in my bed, and went back to the kitchen.
I debated whether to take a shower or not, in fear of waking CJ. I decided I could wash my hair in the kitchen sink like I saw women in movies do. I then went into the bathroom and rubbed soap all over me, washing it off with a washcloth. It would pass as a shower for today. Being clean was the last thing on my mind, as I drove to the entrance of The West Wing.
Sam attacked me as soon as I got into the Bullpen. "Where's CJ? Her car is still here? Is she alright? Should I call?" I hushed him with a look I always give him that shuts him up, "I can't tell you if she's alright or not, but she is at my house." After Sam gave me a wide-eyed look, I explained to him I didn't want her going home alone. He nodded solemnly, "Yeah, is she coming today?"
I shook my head, "No, I wanted to let her sleep. She beat herself up enough last night, so I figured she needed some rest."
"You gotta tell Leo about that. He's expecting her to give a briefing on last night's events since you convinced him to not do it on the plane," Sam reminded me.
I sighed, knowing that telling Leo that CJ was not going to be showing up at work today would be a hard task. I pictured the conversation in my head, him not quite yelling, but snapping reprimandedly. I hate when he does that, but he HAS to understand the situation. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
I walked into the outer part of Leo's office, where Margaret sat intensely reading a book. "You don't have work to do?" I asked teasingly.
Her head snapped up, startled at the interruption. "Oh, hi, Toby. Leo's busy right now."
"This is very important, Margaret, I am afraid it cannot wait," I said.
"Is this about CJ? Omigawd, Toby, is she OK??" she asked, voice edging panic. I sighed, wondering how many times I was to be asked this, "Look, I am the wrong person to ask. But, yes, it is about CJ, so can I go in?" Margaret hesitated, mentally weighing in her options,"Sure, ok. Let me tell him."
I nodded my thanks as she quietly opened his office door. I heard her say, "Sir? It's Toby. He says its about CJ." I couldn't hear his response, but I was obviously granted permission because Margaret opened the door wider and motioned for me to come in. Leo sat, glasses in one hand, pen in the other, at his desk. There was piles of paper work surrounding him. I didn't have to ask to know that it was something to do with Donavon. Eyes glued to the paper, he asked me,"What is it?" I stuck my hands in my pockets, a gesture I notoriously made when I was about to say something I didn't want to discuss or felt odd about discussing. "CJ won't be coming in today."
Leo raised his eyebrows, still focusing on the paper before him,"What, she called you before she called us??"
I winced, not expecting that question to arouse. "Actually, she stayed with me last night."
Leo's head snapped up,"What??"
"Leo, it's obviously not like that," I sighed, knowing full well that I would have to tell this story many times today.
"Then what's it like?" He asked, peering over the edge of his glasses.
"Well," I began,"After last night, I didn't feel that she should go home by herself."
"You also felt that she should not come in today??" Leo asked.
"Well, yes," I responded, quizzical on why he didn't seem to understand.
"Who said it was your call to make?" Leo demanded.
I blinked. Of course. I was her boss, but Leo was THE boss. But, obviously, he HAD to understand that there was no TIME to make a call, I had to rely on common sense.
"Toby, I appreciate you thinking of her like that, but WHO in the world is gonna give that briefing today? Agent Donavan was CJ's bodygaurd. Many suspected they had a "thing" together," at the mentioning of them having a "thing," I winced again, but Leo continued.
"So what are they gonna think when she doesn't show up today to give the briefing?" Leo concluded.
I took my hands out of my pockets and made a shrugging gesture with my hands,"Leo, all they know that Simon was CJ's bodygaurd. If someone who was that close to YOU was suddenly killed off, you would skip a day too."
My mind then flashed to the Cathedral. Raining. Lightning. Lifting the coffin. CJ crying. The President proclamining,"Yes, and I will win." No, no one took the day off in honor of her death, and Jed Bartlet had known her for half of his life.
Leo read my face, knew that I remembered, and, voice softening a bit, said,"Toby, you can't let your personal feelings for CJ take over what has to be done." I looked away,"She would have been a mess at work today."
Leo nodded, looking concerned,"I know she is one of your closest friends, but she has a job to do as well as the rest of us. I mean, look, ALL of us feel at loss here."
I nodded, we were done. I could tell by his body language and tone of voice that he would let her not showing up slide for now.
"I'll ask Carol or Josh to do the briefing," I suggested. Leo nodded, too, looking back at his papers. I headed for the door, but was stopped when Leo said,"Toby, you will be there for her, right?"
I turned around,"What?"
Leo gestured in the air with his pen,"She's going to need your support." I nodded,"Yeah." Then I left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CJ'S POV I kept my eyes shut as I regained consiousness. I didn't want to open them. Didn't want to accept what had happend. Denial. Of course, the first step to recovery is denial. Then the slow and strange acceptance. Yes, it did happen. Another man in your life. Gone. Cold and stiff in some cold room. Here I was warm and comfertable. Alive. In bed. In bed? Suddenly my fogged mind cleared and I jerked my head over to the clock on the wall across from me. 10:30AM???? Why the hell wasn't I at work??? I searched for the alarm clock and stopped short. Of course.
I was at Toby's apartment. He took the alarm clock out of the room to let me sleep in. I got up and truged out of bed to the bathroom. Wow do I look a mess. Hair all over the place, a few mascara streaks that I overlooked last night. I touched my mouth. My lips were warm. Warm like Simon's were. His taste still lingered. It was the only thing I had left of him now, his feel on my lips.
I got in Toby's shower and turned the water on. I wanted to be clensed of my emotions. All of the saddness to be washed away. I let the warm water caress my face, sooth my skin. I wanted to stay there forever. Let the water envolpe me. Let it wash away the horrible truth of the past. The only thing that kept me from staying in the shower for the rest of the day, and perhaps my life, was the rumbling in my stomach. I dug threw Toby's drawer and pulled out another pair of shorts and a shirt, and went to the kitchen. I was just sitting down to a bowl of Cheerios, when the phone rang. After the third ring, I decided I was too agitated to hear it one more time, so I picked up the reciever.
"Hello?" I said wearily, almost not recognizing my own voice.
"CJ?" The voice on the other line asked in a worried tone.
"Yeah," I said.
A sigh of relief from the other end. "Well I was just making sure you were okay and everything." A pause. "Oh, no, I didn't mean--"
I shook my head, forgetting he couldn't see me. "I know what you meant, Toby. Thank you."
Another long pause. He'd never been much of a phone talker. "Uh, I have some coffee in the cupboard."
I almost smiled at how worried he sounded,"I know, I am getting it ready now."
"CJ, if you want me to come back.."
"Toby, I appreciate it, but I would like some time by myself. Besides, I couldn't see Leo allowing both of us to play hookie today."
"Well, due to the circumstances..."
"Toby. Stay where you are. Thank you for everything." I choked back tears. "You've done everything you can for me, and I am thankful. Goodbye." ***********************************************************
It wasnt until she stumbled on the steps leading to my apartment building that I saw CJ's cool green eyes snap back into focus. Her eyes narrowed, expression hardened. She had been dazed since we had gotten into the car, and it was a relief to see that she hadn't had some sort of attack or arrest.
From my car to the steps was a difficult journey. CJ was clutching on to me, her hand grasping my forearm. My other hand was interlocked with hers, holding it tightly for support.
As we walked down the street to the front steps, we apporached three men near a lightpost. One of them looked CJ up and down and then noticed how close together we were. As we passed the group up I heard him mumble, "The lucky bastard." The only thing preventing me from turning and slugging the guy in the face was the fear and knowledge that CJ would collapse without my support.
When we finally DID get to my apartment, I led her into my main room. I then went into my bedroom and pulled out a t-shirt and some shorts. I doubted my clothes would fit her tall, thin frame, but they had to be better than what she was wearing now. I paused at the doorway leading from my room where CJ was sitting. I could hear her slow, uneven breathing. I could feel her tension, trying with all of her might to be brave and not cry. I wanted to scream at her, yell that she can let it out like she did before! She didn't have anything to prove to me by NOT crying! CRY, damnit! Break down! But, no. I wasn't dealing with any other Barbie-doll woman. Not the typical damsel in distress, waiting for their knight in shining armor to come and save them. She was her own woman. Which is what I found so damn attractive about her.
I walked over to her and sat silently next to her on the couch. She stared straight ahead, possibly afraid that if she looked at me, she would lose it all. I waited for a minute next to her, seeing if I would get a reaction. When I received none, I placed the shirt and shorts next to her, and whispered that I would sleep on the couch if she wanted my room. She looked at me, eyes more tired than ever before, and smiled the smallest of smiles. She thanked me and hugged me briefly. Her cold, almost lifeless body fragile in my arms. She felt as if she could be dead herself. I suggested that I could give her some pajama pants, but she shook her head. She slipped into my bathroom, and I got changed into my pajamas, grabbing a pillow and an extra blanket for myself. I also took the alarm clock and plugged it in near my couch. No way she was going to work tomorrow. I set it for the appropriate time, whispered through the closed bathroom door to CJ that if she needed me at all during the night, just come and get me on the couch, and I turned the TV on to watch the news. Most of it was covering the death of Simon. I flipped to another channel so CJ wouldn't have to hear it.
Fifteen minutes later, I heard my bathroom door open and CJ went into my room, cracking the door open. The light was on for the longest of times, so I continued to stay up a while longer, in case she needed me. Another twenty minutes rolled by, and I peered over the couch at my bedroom door. The light had went out. I turned the TV off and lie on the couch, staring at the ceiling. ******~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~*************~~~~~~~~~~*********
At 5am, my alarm sounded. I flopped over and shut it off as soon as possible. I laid on the couch, and tried to recollect what had happened the previous night. The events flashed through my mind, and I suddenly remembered why I was on the couch and not in my bed. I rose slowly and yawned. I started the coffee, and ever so quietly crept into my room. I glanced over at CJ, who was sleeping soundlessly. I smiled briefly, comforted that she could at least sleep in peace. I grabbed clothes for work out of my closet, stole another glance at the woman in my bed, and went back to the kitchen.
I debated whether to take a shower or not, in fear of waking CJ. I decided I could wash my hair in the kitchen sink like I saw women in movies do. I then went into the bathroom and rubbed soap all over me, washing it off with a washcloth. It would pass as a shower for today. Being clean was the last thing on my mind, as I drove to the entrance of The West Wing.
Sam attacked me as soon as I got into the Bullpen. "Where's CJ? Her car is still here? Is she alright? Should I call?" I hushed him with a look I always give him that shuts him up, "I can't tell you if she's alright or not, but she is at my house." After Sam gave me a wide-eyed look, I explained to him I didn't want her going home alone. He nodded solemnly, "Yeah, is she coming today?"
I shook my head, "No, I wanted to let her sleep. She beat herself up enough last night, so I figured she needed some rest."
"You gotta tell Leo about that. He's expecting her to give a briefing on last night's events since you convinced him to not do it on the plane," Sam reminded me.
I sighed, knowing that telling Leo that CJ was not going to be showing up at work today would be a hard task. I pictured the conversation in my head, him not quite yelling, but snapping reprimandedly. I hate when he does that, but he HAS to understand the situation. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
I walked into the outer part of Leo's office, where Margaret sat intensely reading a book. "You don't have work to do?" I asked teasingly.
Her head snapped up, startled at the interruption. "Oh, hi, Toby. Leo's busy right now."
"This is very important, Margaret, I am afraid it cannot wait," I said.
"Is this about CJ? Omigawd, Toby, is she OK??" she asked, voice edging panic. I sighed, wondering how many times I was to be asked this, "Look, I am the wrong person to ask. But, yes, it is about CJ, so can I go in?" Margaret hesitated, mentally weighing in her options,"Sure, ok. Let me tell him."
I nodded my thanks as she quietly opened his office door. I heard her say, "Sir? It's Toby. He says its about CJ." I couldn't hear his response, but I was obviously granted permission because Margaret opened the door wider and motioned for me to come in. Leo sat, glasses in one hand, pen in the other, at his desk. There was piles of paper work surrounding him. I didn't have to ask to know that it was something to do with Donavon. Eyes glued to the paper, he asked me,"What is it?" I stuck my hands in my pockets, a gesture I notoriously made when I was about to say something I didn't want to discuss or felt odd about discussing. "CJ won't be coming in today."
Leo raised his eyebrows, still focusing on the paper before him,"What, she called you before she called us??"
I winced, not expecting that question to arouse. "Actually, she stayed with me last night."
Leo's head snapped up,"What??"
"Leo, it's obviously not like that," I sighed, knowing full well that I would have to tell this story many times today.
"Then what's it like?" He asked, peering over the edge of his glasses.
"Well," I began,"After last night, I didn't feel that she should go home by herself."
"You also felt that she should not come in today??" Leo asked.
"Well, yes," I responded, quizzical on why he didn't seem to understand.
"Who said it was your call to make?" Leo demanded.
I blinked. Of course. I was her boss, but Leo was THE boss. But, obviously, he HAD to understand that there was no TIME to make a call, I had to rely on common sense.
"Toby, I appreciate you thinking of her like that, but WHO in the world is gonna give that briefing today? Agent Donavan was CJ's bodygaurd. Many suspected they had a "thing" together," at the mentioning of them having a "thing," I winced again, but Leo continued.
"So what are they gonna think when she doesn't show up today to give the briefing?" Leo concluded.
I took my hands out of my pockets and made a shrugging gesture with my hands,"Leo, all they know that Simon was CJ's bodygaurd. If someone who was that close to YOU was suddenly killed off, you would skip a day too."
My mind then flashed to the Cathedral. Raining. Lightning. Lifting the coffin. CJ crying. The President proclamining,"Yes, and I will win." No, no one took the day off in honor of her death, and Jed Bartlet had known her for half of his life.
Leo read my face, knew that I remembered, and, voice softening a bit, said,"Toby, you can't let your personal feelings for CJ take over what has to be done." I looked away,"She would have been a mess at work today."
Leo nodded, looking concerned,"I know she is one of your closest friends, but she has a job to do as well as the rest of us. I mean, look, ALL of us feel at loss here."
I nodded, we were done. I could tell by his body language and tone of voice that he would let her not showing up slide for now.
"I'll ask Carol or Josh to do the briefing," I suggested. Leo nodded, too, looking back at his papers. I headed for the door, but was stopped when Leo said,"Toby, you will be there for her, right?"
I turned around,"What?"
Leo gestured in the air with his pen,"She's going to need your support." I nodded,"Yeah." Then I left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CJ'S POV I kept my eyes shut as I regained consiousness. I didn't want to open them. Didn't want to accept what had happend. Denial. Of course, the first step to recovery is denial. Then the slow and strange acceptance. Yes, it did happen. Another man in your life. Gone. Cold and stiff in some cold room. Here I was warm and comfertable. Alive. In bed. In bed? Suddenly my fogged mind cleared and I jerked my head over to the clock on the wall across from me. 10:30AM???? Why the hell wasn't I at work??? I searched for the alarm clock and stopped short. Of course.
I was at Toby's apartment. He took the alarm clock out of the room to let me sleep in. I got up and truged out of bed to the bathroom. Wow do I look a mess. Hair all over the place, a few mascara streaks that I overlooked last night. I touched my mouth. My lips were warm. Warm like Simon's were. His taste still lingered. It was the only thing I had left of him now, his feel on my lips.
I got in Toby's shower and turned the water on. I wanted to be clensed of my emotions. All of the saddness to be washed away. I let the warm water caress my face, sooth my skin. I wanted to stay there forever. Let the water envolpe me. Let it wash away the horrible truth of the past. The only thing that kept me from staying in the shower for the rest of the day, and perhaps my life, was the rumbling in my stomach. I dug threw Toby's drawer and pulled out another pair of shorts and a shirt, and went to the kitchen. I was just sitting down to a bowl of Cheerios, when the phone rang. After the third ring, I decided I was too agitated to hear it one more time, so I picked up the reciever.
"Hello?" I said wearily, almost not recognizing my own voice.
"CJ?" The voice on the other line asked in a worried tone.
"Yeah," I said.
A sigh of relief from the other end. "Well I was just making sure you were okay and everything." A pause. "Oh, no, I didn't mean--"
I shook my head, forgetting he couldn't see me. "I know what you meant, Toby. Thank you."
Another long pause. He'd never been much of a phone talker. "Uh, I have some coffee in the cupboard."
I almost smiled at how worried he sounded,"I know, I am getting it ready now."
"CJ, if you want me to come back.."
"Toby, I appreciate it, but I would like some time by myself. Besides, I couldn't see Leo allowing both of us to play hookie today."
"Well, due to the circumstances..."
"Toby. Stay where you are. Thank you for everything." I choked back tears. "You've done everything you can for me, and I am thankful. Goodbye." ***********************************************************