"To Have and Not to Have"
A chime was heard as we walked through the doors of the diner. It wasn't very crowded.
"I think I'm gonna name it Kreuger!" Mom announced. I looked at her, a bit irritated, giving her my 'serious' glance. "For the last time, mom, you are NOT getting a rabbit!" "But I'll raise it well!" She said in her whining tone. "You'll lock the poor thing it in the basement and make it listen to the Spice Girls" I said, walking over to table. "We don't have a basement!" mom stated, following me. I turned back, giving mom a piercing 'you know what I mean' stare. Mom could never keep a pet. I knew it, she knew it, everybody knew it. "Work with me here!" I said as I sat down. "You're no fun!" Mom said, plopping into a chair.
I looked over at counter. He was there. He looked over to me with a smile on his face and waved. I returned the smile and waved back.
"Who are you waving at?" Mom asked. She followed my stare again. I guess she got her answer since she turned her head back to look at me. "Oh."
I stopped staring at Jess and looked at my mom. "'Oh' what?" I asked. Everything involving Jess would make mom 'Oh'. "'Oh, there's the punk my daughter kissed' kind of oh." Mom responded, looking around the diner. "Oh" I responded, sneaking another look at the 'punk'.
"Are you two… You know?" she asked, burying her head in her empty coffee cup. "Are we what?" I asked, not quite sure what she meant. "You know… Are you two like 'Let's repeat the wedding day incident for fun'?"
I laughed a little, secretly wishing we were.
"Oh, god, no" I shook my head. "We just… Talked. We're friendish again." I said, smiling. "That's… Good." Mom said with a forced smile, "Friendish is good". "Yeah… Friendish is good" I said in reply. I looked down, staring into my empty cup of coffee.
We sat, we had our coffee, we got up, ready to leave. On our way out, my heart stopped. She walked into the diner, giving Jess a warm smile. I felt like everything was going in slow motion. She's so pretty. She's prettier than I am. She went behind the counter and kissed him. I wanted to die.
It took me a few seconds to realize I was staring. I quickly turned around and walked out of the diner, feeling like my heart has just been stepped on.
Still, I ask myself that one question that I've been asking myself constantly over the last couple of days – Why?
The walk home was quiet. Mom just kept staring at me. As we got home, mom opened the door, dumping the keys on the table. I started walking towards my room when she finally spoke. "Rory, what's going on?"
I turned to look at her. "What do you mean 'What's going on'?" "Nothing, I'm just feeling very James Brown at the moment." She said, resting her hands on her hips as I sighed. "You at the diner. Waving, staring…" "I wasn't staring." I said, cutting mom off. "Oh, yes, you were." Mom said, nodding her head in the process. I just sighed again, gazing at the floor.
"I think I have feelings for him." I said, quietly, slowly looking up at her. Mom just raised an eyebrow. "What kind of feelings?" I tilted my head. "The kind of feelings that caused me to kiss him 2 months ago". Mom raised another eyebrow. "Wow" she said. Knowing her, I knew she was uncertain of how to react. I knew she wouldn't be very thrilled. I didn't know what to say either. I just inhaled and exhaled slowly.
"But, there's that girl." I said. "Yeah." Mom said. With all that is happening with dad and Sherry, I think she can somehow relate. I walked over to the couch and sat on it, leaning my head on a pillow.
"She's so pretty." I said. I was depressed. I was sad.
Mom joined me on the couch, looking at me. "Honey, you're way prettier." "No, I'm not! I argued, sitting up. "She has these…" I started to say, looking up, as I was trying to remember. "She has these dark blue eyes, you know? Freaky eyes, and her hair is like… It's so straight and so… Black! I mean, she looks like someone took her out of a movie! Like the bad girl on a soap opera!" I sighed, Frustrated.
Mom said nothing. I hate it when she does that. She looked down, but she didn't look at me. "Does it make you feel like your heart has just been stepped on?" she asked softly, looking at nothing. "What?" I asked her, cuddling with that pillow. "Seeing Jess with Susan Lucci. Does it give you a heart ache?" I looked down, staring at nothing as well. It did. I nodded. "Are you jealous of her?" Mom asked, finally looking at me. "Jealous?" I asked her. I knew I was jealous, but I wasn't sure of what. I just sighed.
"You wanna have yourself a Jess?" She asked. She was serious. It meant loads to me.
I kept being silent, asking myself that question over and over again.
"Mom?" I said, finally ready to speak. "I think I want to have myself a Jess".
Mom hugged me. "Do you want to try to get yourself a Jess?" She asked, still holding me. Oh, yeah. How I wanted to get myself a Jess. How come I was so blind before? Why did I screw this up?
I kept thinking about 'them'. Jess and Kara, Jess and Kara. I will never have a Jess. I missed my chance to have a Jess.
"I can't have a Jess," I said, pulling out of my mother's embrace. "Someone else has a Jess".
Mom looked into my eyes. I could see that she was sorry for me. She started stroking my hair. It's her way of comforting.
Oh my god… Oh my god! I suddenly remembered something! All that Jess talk made me forget that… "I have a Dean!" I spitted out. Mom stopped stroking my hair and just looked at me. I think we both forgot. I have a Dean. Mom sighed. I sighed. I'm not being fair to him.
"I can't have a Dean." I said, closing my eyes. Mom nodded, agreeing with me. I leaned down, resting my head on her legs. I can't have a Dean. I won't have a Dean.