"As a Bat"

Gotta love Stars Hollow at night. No one's awake. No one cares. You could hang yourself from one of the street poles and no one would care. You could run naked through the streets and no one would care. You could sing out loud and no one would care. Well, maybe some one will get out and tell you to shut up. But you get the idea.

I sat in the gazebo, a book in my hand. It's been a while since I actually managed to read. I usually read a few lines, and then my mind drifts to Jess. I read these lines again, and I think of him again. I read these lines again, get frustrated, close the book, lean my head backwards, sigh.

Now I'm actually reading. The words linger in my mind. I can remember stuff.

It's not like I don't think of him anymore. I do think about him. A lot, actually. But knowing how he feels about me gave me an option to relax. Maybe I should just give it some time. Maybe it's a waste, but maybe it's not.

There was one thing that put a temporary end to my concentration – Her.

I looked up from my book as I heard footsteps. She walked down the street, her straight hair up in a messy bun. She held a cigarette between her fingers. I didn't know she smokes. Well, I didn't really care if she does.

She sent a glance at me as she took a drag from her cigarette. I looked back at my book, not wanting her to notice that I was looking at her. It's no secret that I'm uncomfortable with being around her.

She just kept walking. I continued on reading my book. Yup. Just give it some time…

And be very much disappointed. From yourself.

"Mmmm."

I rolled in my bed as an annoying knocking sound woke me up.

"Mmmmmmm."

The knocking sound was heard yet again. I opened my eyes and glanced up at my watch, which read 9:53am.

The knocking sound was heard again. And again.

"Mom…" I called, wishing she would come and stop the noises. No reply. "Mom?" I called again, slowly shoving the blankets away. I rolled off my bed, still sleepy. Is it just me or the floor is slightly turning? Hmm. By the time I stabled myself, the knocking stopped.

I went into the kitchen. There was something on the table. A note?

"Had to go, sweets.

We had a slight emergency at the Inn, had to go and keep Michel from shooting staples at the swans.

Come and help if you feel like keeping mommy sane.

Love ya!"

I sighed. A Saturday morning spent without mom. I hate spending Saturday mornings without mom. She's always so tired and cranky. Listening to mom's cranky vents is kind of a habit for me. It's our Saturday morning routine – Mom wakes up, mom walks in the kitchen, mom vents, mom vents some more. This morning, it's just me. No one to share vents with.

At least mom left some coffee for me. I gently touched the coffee pot, reassuring that its content is still warm. I poured some into a cup, which was placed on the counter. God, how I need to get some caffeine running in my system.

I took the cup in my hand, gulping some coffee. Gosh, this is good.

I glanced out the window. It was a beautiful day. I started walking towards the back door, never letting go of my coffee. I twisted the doorknob and walked out to the porch.

He's here.

"Hey" I said. "Hey" he replied, not even looking at me. What is he doing here? I thought he was avoiding me. 4 days had passed since he told me that he meant what he said. 4 days had passed since I found out he loves me. He kept avoiding me after that event. I wasn't so chatty myself.

I sat on the staircase, next to him, but still keeping my distance. I looked down at my cup of coffee, then up at him. "Can I get you some coffee?" I asked, trying to break that silence. I looked at him. He just shook his head. I took another sip from my coffee. He kept being quiet.

I took another sip from my coffee. I looked at him again. Quiet. I don't think he looked at me since I came out here. Not even once.

Quiet. I glanced at him again. I couldn't see his face, but he seemed confused. Deep in thoughts. I wondered what he's thinking about. It was one of these moments where I really want to read minds. I tried reading his mind, but I couldn't.

"We broke up."

Whoa. I looked at him. He looked down at his fists, which were clenched together. "What?" I asked, softly. He just sighed and finally looked at me. "Me and Kara. We broke up".

Gazillion thoughts went through my mind at that moment. Why, how, when, why? I know I asked why already, but… "Wow." I just said, resting my coffee cup down on a stair, beside me. "When?" I asked. He looked away. "A couple of days ago." He replied. I slightly nodded in return. He looked upset. I was concerned about him. But I was curious. "Why?" I asked, keeping my tone soft, comforting. He seemed like he needed it. He looked down, quiet again. I looked down myself. He sighed.

"I like her..." He said, suddenly. What's happening to him lately? All the feelings and the love and the… bah. I looked at him. He likes her. I didn't need to know that. My heart just got slapped. He sighed again and looked at me.

"But I figured it wouldn't be fair to be with her while I…" his voice trailed off. He looked away again. I knew what he meant. I felt overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. "Oh." Was the only thing I could say.

We sat there, both of us, dealing with our own trail of thoughts.

"I just thought you should know." He said. I just nodded. "I appreciate that." I said, still overwhelmed. Silence spread between us again.

"I better go." He suddenly said, rising up from where he formerly sat. Before I could even reply, he walked away.

I looked at the coffee cup, standing still beside me. I grasped the cup in my hand, enjoying the warmth of it. Warm waves and chills always go good together.

I rose up myself, and started walking into the house again. I went in and closed the door behind me. I rested my cup in the sink.

I stopped moving.

Oh… My… God. Am I that stupid?

My heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Everything froze. My mind froze. He came over to my house to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend.

He. Came over to my house. To tell me he broke up with his girlfriend.

I am that stupid.

I grabbed a chair and plopped into it, banging my head on the kitchen table.

Why am I so blind? When I need to be blind, I can always see. When I need to see, I'm always blind.

We love each other. At least I think we do. We're both single. He tried to tell me that, in his own special way. He came to me and tried to tell me. And I was blind.

I sighed as I got up, making my way to my room. I let myself collapse on the bed and grabbed my pillow, hugging it tightly. I thought about it again. I couldn't stop. It just danced around my mind, over and over and over…

I won't be blind next time.