Or.....

Mulder enters his apartment after a night at the "Club". Too late and too tired to turn on the lights, he kicks off his shoes. He runs full speed towards his couch. He leaps and turns around so he'll land on his back.

BOOOM!!!! A sonic boom shakes the whole apartment complex.

M ( laying on the floor rubbing his ass.) - Where the @#$%#@@@%!&^%** is my COUCH!!!!!

Everyone else in the complex (EC) - SHUT UP!!!!!! We WON'T put up with THAT language in THIS complex!

M - Well you put up with everything else.

Mulder panickly runs over to the light switch and turns the lights on. He looks where his couch was. He breaks down and cries. He runs like a mad demon to his phone next to his fish tank to call Scully.

M (tortured) - My fish????? Where are they!!!????!?!?!?!?! First my couch, and now THIS! :-(

Mulder dials Scully's number. Finally after about a dozen unsuccessful tries he gets the right number.

S (groggily) - Huh????? Hello????? Who's there????

M (yells on the phone) - AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! A lunatic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder hangs up the phone.

M - Uhhhhh.......... I think that was Scully. Crap!!! She's going to be pissed!

Mulder slowly redials Scully's number again.

S (mean) - WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

M (whimpering) - Scully....................... something bad has happened.

S - What is it Mulder? Did you get fired?

M - No.

S - Did you find out aliens don't exist?

M - No.

S - Did your mother die?

M - No.

S - Did you find Samantha's grave or her remains?

M - No.

S - Then....... WHAT is it?????

M - Someone...................... stole ...................................my.................. couch and my fish!!

S (laughing) - That's it???????????

M - Why are you laughing at me? It's NOT funny!

S - Yes it is!!!!! Now you have to sleep in a bed!!

M - Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a fate worse than death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey.... wait a minute.... I don't own a bed. Ha!

S - Oh yeah! I remember. I should know, I've been to your apartment enough.

M - Hey! My apartments off limits!!! It's for believers only!! How'd you get in anyway? And why??

S - Remember, you gave me a key so I could feed your fish while you were 'dead'.

M (starting to cry again) - My fish!!!! :-(

S - Oh get over it. They would have died eventually. Anyway you didn't feed them.

M - Yes I did! Anyway it's not the same.

S - Hey once while you were away. I played fetch them and Queequeg. They were better at it then Queequeg, and Queequeg practiced 8 hours a day. (Starting to sniffle) Poor Queequeg.

M - Ha! Well at least my fish still have a chance of being alive.

S - Shut up Mulder.

M (muttering to himself) - I can't believe they didn't take all of that.

S - Huh? Mulder what are you talking about? What do you mean by they didn't take all of that? All of what?

M - Oh well. Yesterday I was laying on my beautiful (sniff) well missed couch. I was throwing sharpened pencils into my ceiling. I had lotto ticket in my other hand. Then they started to call the winning numbers. I looked at my numbers and I saw that I had won $40,000. I picked up my check and I cashed it. I came home, went into my apartment, and started throwing the cash up in the air. I went out after that. When I came I found that my most valued possessions were missing.

S - Hey. You didn't tell me your tapes were missing.

M - Hey!!

S - Fine I'll be right over to help see if there is anything else missing.

They hung their phones up.

S (muttering to herself) - I can't believe I'm doing this. If the beauro hears about me being at Mulder's apartment tonight, they'd take it the wrong way.

Scully leaves her apartment 10 minutes later after dressing FBI style. Scully runs into Krychec/k outside Mulder's apartment complex.

K (thought) - Oh crap! She's gonna catch me and tell her dopey partner about me being outside his complex. I'm in deep shit. (said) Uh, hi Scully. Bye Scully.

Krychec/k tries to hurry past Scully while pushing a giant sheet covered thing away before Scully can stop him.

S - Hey, what are you pushing?

K - Uh.... stuff.

S - Let me take a look at this stuff.

K - You CAN'T

S - Why not?

Just then Scully's cellphone rings.

M - Why aren't you here yet?

S - I'm downstairs with Krychec/k. He has something that he doesn't want to show me. You'd better come down.

They hang and 2 seconds later Mulder appears panting.

S - Wow! How'd you get down here so fast?

M - I flew.

K - That's the fastest I've ever seen you go.

M - What's under there?

K - None of your business. It's my stuff.

M - Scully you hold him down while I check under the sheet.

S - Okay.

K - No way. Bye!

Scully hold Krychec/k, keeping him from going after Mulder. Mulder pulls away the sheet.

M - Hey! It's a couch and a tank of fish.

Mulder turns to Krychec/k.

M - Why'd you take my couch and fish?

K - What couch and what fish?

M - That couch and those fish! (Mulder turns to face the couch) Hey where'd they go?

K - Let me GO!!!!

Scully lets Krychec/k go. Krychec/k runs away. Mulder starts to cry. Krychec/k appears.

K - Ha! Caught you in the act!

M - Shut up!

Mulder hits Krychec/k over the head with his cell phone. Krychec/k begins to cry.

M - Whose crying now?

Mulder and Krychec/k start to fight. Scully raises her eyebrow and writes in her notebook.

S (writing) - When couch and fish are absent. Men resort to violence. Especially with other guys.

Skinner appears.

Sk - What are you two fighting about?

Mulder hits Krychec/k in the eye.

M - Nothing, sir.

Krychec/k kicks Mulder in the shin.

K - We just felt like...

Mulder knees Krychec/k in the stomach.

K - Oooof!

M - ...having a brawl.

Skinner looks puzzled.

S - Don't look at me. I'm just your neighborhood looky loo....... Go Mulder!!!! Kick his butt!!! Die Krychec/k!!

Skinner shakes his head

***4 days later***

M (whispering) - Scully when my couch and fish left me. A piece of me left too. I couldn't eat or drink since they disappeared. It is your job to continue the legacy of the X-Files. Good-bye.

S - Woo hoo!!!

M -Hey I'm not dead yet! Dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying...........

***2 hours later***

M - ..... dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying, dying....

S - Hurry up and die!!

M - Fine. Dead!

S - Is it okay to say wo ho yet?

M -Yeah. Go ahead.

S - Wooooooo hoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder wakes upon a hard wood floor. He is sweating profusely.

M - Phew, it was only a dream. Wait a minute....... I'm on a floor? Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EC - Shut up!

Mulder starts to cry. Mulder looks up

M - MY COUCH!!!!!!!!!!

He hugs his couch. He runs over to his fish tank and hugs it too.