Apology 9
by Colleen Hillerup
He opened his eyes in the unfamiliar room. When he stretched, he felt the rough back of the sofa. He remembered that he was in Giles' basement. He sensed he wasn't alone.
"Hello, Spike."
"Buffy." For a moment he wondered if it were a dream. He'd had it so often. Sometimes it ended with a kiss, sometimes a stake. He stared at her, unblinking. She was real. "Did Giles call you?" He sat up on the couch, sitting close to one edge.
She sat on the other. "Clem was looking for you. I tracked you down. Didn't you want to see me?"
"Clem." He brushed the hair back from his eyes with his fingers. "I told him I'd be back. I'm such a git."
"He was worried. He cares about you. A lot." She looked at him, slightly bedraggled, longish hair mussed with sleep. "You didn't answer my question."
"I wanted to see you. I thought you wouldn't want to see me." He looked away from her eyes, down at her hands. Had to keep some part of her in his line of vision. "I'm sorry. That doesn't mean much, considering, but I am."
"I've had a lot of time to think this summer. About everything. About us." She concentrated on his face. "Look at me. I said I didn't trust you. That wasn't true. So what you did shook me pretty deep." She breathed in deeply, struggling to go on. "Did I ever tell you what happened with Angel at Crawford Street, after you left with Dru? Didn't think so. He got his soul back. Trusted me. Loved me. I kissed him, told him to close his eyes, then I ran him through with my sword. I ran my lover through the heart."
"You had to. Acathla..."
"I'm not finished. I see things, past things, things I've done. Things that flash behind my eyes whenever I try to sleep. Now, that's progress. For the last year, mostly all I've thought of was me, my problems. Anyway, lately the big one is a bruised, battered face. The man who loves me, lying in the alley. My ... my lover. It's not a pretty sight. A lot of last year is one big string of not so pretty sights."
"You didn't do anything I didn't let you do. That's different."
"Right. Humiliating you in front of Riley, hiding you from my friends, all your choice. Not." Her face tightened with pain. "What you did was wrong, horrible and wrong, and we both know that. I forgive you. The question is, can you forgive me?"
"Nothing to forgive." No swelling music, no dramatic lighting, just awkward silence.
"Did you get the soul for me?"
"Yeah. Giles told?"
"Giles told. Did it hurt?"
"Like hell." He looked into her eyes, afraid of what he'd find. "Does it make a difference?"
"Yes. And no." She smiled, just a half smile. "You still seem to be you. That's good. I would have missed you. And it's such a pain getting used to new people."
"I'll never hurt you again."
She laughed at that. "Don't make promises you can't keep. We all hurt each other. Nothing to do with a soul. Just being human."
"Buffy...?"
"Yeah. There's a chance." She reached out her hand to his, their fingers intertwining. "A good chance."
by Colleen Hillerup
He opened his eyes in the unfamiliar room. When he stretched, he felt the rough back of the sofa. He remembered that he was in Giles' basement. He sensed he wasn't alone.
"Hello, Spike."
"Buffy." For a moment he wondered if it were a dream. He'd had it so often. Sometimes it ended with a kiss, sometimes a stake. He stared at her, unblinking. She was real. "Did Giles call you?" He sat up on the couch, sitting close to one edge.
She sat on the other. "Clem was looking for you. I tracked you down. Didn't you want to see me?"
"Clem." He brushed the hair back from his eyes with his fingers. "I told him I'd be back. I'm such a git."
"He was worried. He cares about you. A lot." She looked at him, slightly bedraggled, longish hair mussed with sleep. "You didn't answer my question."
"I wanted to see you. I thought you wouldn't want to see me." He looked away from her eyes, down at her hands. Had to keep some part of her in his line of vision. "I'm sorry. That doesn't mean much, considering, but I am."
"I've had a lot of time to think this summer. About everything. About us." She concentrated on his face. "Look at me. I said I didn't trust you. That wasn't true. So what you did shook me pretty deep." She breathed in deeply, struggling to go on. "Did I ever tell you what happened with Angel at Crawford Street, after you left with Dru? Didn't think so. He got his soul back. Trusted me. Loved me. I kissed him, told him to close his eyes, then I ran him through with my sword. I ran my lover through the heart."
"You had to. Acathla..."
"I'm not finished. I see things, past things, things I've done. Things that flash behind my eyes whenever I try to sleep. Now, that's progress. For the last year, mostly all I've thought of was me, my problems. Anyway, lately the big one is a bruised, battered face. The man who loves me, lying in the alley. My ... my lover. It's not a pretty sight. A lot of last year is one big string of not so pretty sights."
"You didn't do anything I didn't let you do. That's different."
"Right. Humiliating you in front of Riley, hiding you from my friends, all your choice. Not." Her face tightened with pain. "What you did was wrong, horrible and wrong, and we both know that. I forgive you. The question is, can you forgive me?"
"Nothing to forgive." No swelling music, no dramatic lighting, just awkward silence.
"Did you get the soul for me?"
"Yeah. Giles told?"
"Giles told. Did it hurt?"
"Like hell." He looked into her eyes, afraid of what he'd find. "Does it make a difference?"
"Yes. And no." She smiled, just a half smile. "You still seem to be you. That's good. I would have missed you. And it's such a pain getting used to new people."
"I'll never hurt you again."
She laughed at that. "Don't make promises you can't keep. We all hurt each other. Nothing to do with a soul. Just being human."
"Buffy...?"
"Yeah. There's a chance." She reached out her hand to his, their fingers intertwining. "A good chance."