CHAPTER 8

"I don't need her."

After the enhancing, it took Tao by surprise how easy it became for him to adapt to the speed and the amount of material shoved in his face during 'muscle training'. He tossed away the idea of the sessions being anything but painful long ago. No matter how much he trusted- had been made to trust that woman and her constant convincing that he'd now quite like the experience; he couldn't escape the feeling of being played. With his mind clear now, he had no doubt she didn't care for his pain. (She didn't truly care about him either, she just needed him, like any child needs its special toy.)

Tao was special and he meant to keep it that way. As long as his successes pleasured her, he would stay alive, and as long as he was alive, there was a chance… A slim one, but a chance still, to be free someday, to be let outside in the normal world. Because there must have been a reason for all this training.

Usually when you prepare so vigorously someone for a long periods of time, you plan to use him – and his hardly earned qualities – for something. If you take into account the… "sensitivity" of the matter Tao was studying, you'd have to wonder just like him: what role will he play in this obscure institution. What was the role and the ambitions of this organisation in the first place? How did it acquire all the knowledge Tao now possessed? What was its intentions teaching him all that… dangerous stuff which enabled him to ruin half of the world in one afternoon?

Contrary to his beliefs, the continuation of the inputs really was an enjoyable experience, exactly like she had asserted. Instead of feeling like thousands of nails were pounded in his eardrums when myriad of voices would start talking around him, he would smile because he could now put them on hold, mute them and control the volume of their speech depending on the urgency of the content they were presenting. Nothing would go unnoticed and unrecorded, but there was no mindless shouting.

Once an ordeal, sorting out the pictures of all kinds would now hit him with adrenalin rush. It was so easy to file them; the knowledge effortlessly sticking to the old one. This enabled him to split his mind. It was as if one part was collecting pictures, and the other guzzling down the never-ending texts.

As the number of sessions grew, he had discovered his thirst for knowledge was unquenchable.

More and more, his soul pleaded because he was strong, stronger than the input, quicker than the output. He was in control and he ruled over this vast knowledge, not the other way around. He felt so mighty, he'd sometimes dare to laugh arrogantly to the screen thinking: "Is this all you've got? If so, I don't need you anymore, I can find out about things by myself."

Not once did Tao think splitting his mind was a strange notion. It came naturally to him, as would a man, confronted by a too wide hole in the ground, think of building a bridge to cross to the other side. Not only did he employ different parts of his brain to deal with the different types of information, but in doing so, also made it possible to think about the info, discuss about it with the other parts and decompose it so he could search for more detail in order to fully build his view on the topic.

He started connecting things, putting them into relation, and he began to run his "what if" scenarios in the real world he saw from the screenings. (What if you activate a bomb in the subway, what if you set off an alarm in the building, what if you kidnap the president, what if you release the virus, what if you forge data, what if you publish a confidential footage…? How do people react to this? How do you control the crowd?)

It was like a phenomena for him, exploring the results of his little imaginary test runs of certain scenarios engraved deeply into his sub-conscience. He had no clue how he came up with so many scenarios or whether he would ever do such things in reality; however, he didn't spend too much time thinking about it, because predicting people's reactions and acting on them was so much fun. It was like a video game he saw teenagers playing on the security footage of various internet cafes and he had a feeling that he was a truly good player even by a normal world's standards. A powerful one who would always win.

And as long as he was a winner he was irreplaceable.

Tao couldn't remember the last time he experienced genuine happiness. Since his "work" now acquired less concentration, he could spend some quality time with the broadcasts of cities and its denizens. A small piece of his mind would go through the stored videos and stand in awe of their beauty. The outside was indeed majestic and he would often find himself daydreaming about strolling down the streets, feeding pigeons in the park and drinking soda in front of a convenience store.

"Ah… How nice it would be to compete with other kids in the cafes." Tao wondered whether he could make some normal friends. (He proved to be a skilled player, at least as far as strategy games go, always winning in his "what ifs".)

"I guess other kids would be glad to have me in their team."

"Use me… Use me quickly," he begged to the empty room. He was ready to do absolutely anything to prove he would use the knowledge he obtained to do her bidding. (That is, as long as it meant he was free to leave this wretched place.)

Tao will be most efficient, because of how clever he is; he'll have some spare time to try and fit in with ordinary people. It would be a bliss just to mingle with the crowd and start a conversation with his peers. (Tao knew everything about anything so chitchatting shouldn't be a big deal, right?) And one day, when he completely blends in, he won't need her.

"I don't need her. I need people. Normal people with ordinary aspirations, who like to have fun and discuss about things. I need peers with similar likes… or different likes… someone similar to me, or not. Just someone who'd see myself and not a toy computer."

(Myself?)

(Myself?)

He gasped, waking up from a few hours of fitful sleep. He looked around the room just to make sure he was awake, since his dreams tended to be sometimes more real than the days spent here. Tao didn't hallucinate anymore, but his dreams became more vivid than they were before. Instead of shelving the information, he now had actual dreams… about information.

Tao noticed the drool slipping from his mouth and reflexively wanted to rub it off.

"Ha? What the…? What?! I-I had it, right? I did! How… When did this happen? Where's my… ah…! Ah… ha… oh… right… that woman. That woman."

Tao grit his teeth and turned over, pushing himself up with his forehead. (Pondering over his new endurance and strength was an activity he stopped doing a long time ago. He accepted all of the unusual abilities and emotions as side effects of enhancing.)

Tao was changed. From the core.

"Myself…" The word kept popping up in his head as he brushed his face on the pillow.

"Myself." He was sitting on the bed remembering the kids from the internet cafes.

"Kids…" Tao murmured, his thoughts scattered across the streets looking for something, not knowing what it was, but if he saw it with his own eyes he'd recognise it.

Your appearance won't change.

"Why is it then, that among all the people, among all those faces, I can't find the one I'm looking for?"

Tao desperately shut his eyes to concentrate. He needed to reduce the number of faces he was inspecting. It will be easier that way to presume which face was his even if he couldn't remember it quite well.

(How old are you, Tao?) His mind went blank in an instant and made his stomach churn. "No," he shook his head, "don't worry, that was a wrong question."

(How long have you been here?) No light bulbs lit in the still darkness of his mind and Tao twitched. "Approximately five months… since the enhancing? I think." But there were no shining dots in the black he could connect.

(Where do you come from?) The query ended with a sudden throb, which spread through a steady line across his scalp. He bowed down, his head now held between his knees, a sudden need to hide stronger than discomfort of the position.

"You're ok," he comforted himself, his body shivering in cold sweat.

(You're ok.)

When he finally settled down, Tao decided to first gather all the things not lacking information and then ask questions about the unknown. He rested his head on his knee and started thinking.

"I'm a human and I'm male," Tao thought and the statement was presented without any hesitation. It was a fact, so why was Tao not moving on to the next one? His eyes wandered off to his bare feet, which looked like human feet with five human toes on each foot, and they were all attached to two human legs dressed in grey sweatpants. So… he had pale skinny legs, and was wearing what other people wore. (Ok. That's a start.)

His gaze ended on his crotch and remained there. He had an undying need to touch it and make sure of something. Tao found himself in a strange predicament feeling the hotness in his cheeks. Was he… embarrassed? No. Ashamed. He was ashamed. Of what exactly? His mind continued to be of no help, offering only emptiness.

"My name is Tao." He said out loud and concluded his voice sounded as if it could belong to a male. It wasn't as gruff and as deep as most of the men's he met during inputs, but it was undoubtedly way different from any woman's, and that made him relax a little. At least his instincts weren't wrong.

One question lingered, however, not giving him peace until he answered it.

"How do I look like?"

There was no way to find out without a mirror and he had none. Maybe he could ask her politely to bring him one?

"I don't need her!"

Tao kept tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep and forget about all of this mess he created for himself. It slipped his mind that there was a deeper meaning in not wanting to think about the redhead.

That woman stopped visiting him a month ago.

That never happened. She was always there whether Tao wanted her to be close or not, and now, when at last he showed his excellence and how obedient a pet he could be, she decided to deprive him of her presence. Why? Wasn't she pleased? She was smiling the last time he saw her. Did he do something to make her mad? What?

"How long is she gonna stay angry? She'll forgive me, right? I'll apologise, I swear. Why isn't she coming to hear my apology?"

(Shut it, Tao, you don't need her!)

"But why? Why isn't she here? Doesn't she care about her successful experiment? Could she have found another guinea pig?

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… No, it can't be! I'm special! I'm Tao, the best and only, only one like this in the entire Union! I'm irreplaceable! I'm going outside to prove it! Me! I am gonna go to the normal world and then, and then…"

(Shut it, shut up!)

"Shut up!" Tao roared and jerked violently to the side.

"Shit! Shit! Could it be? What if she found someone else… without a foul mouth? But, I was so docile for the past few months, how dare she betray me like this! What's she gonna do… what's gonna happen to me?"

(Death.)

Tao felt goose bumps all over his skinny body. (But, but he can't die, not like this. What about the outside? What about the normal world? Wasn't he supposed to be sent there? Won't all this pain and suffering have a meaning then?)

"How could you, how could you… do this… to me… To leave me alone!" Tao was wheezing with his teeth clenched hard. "I did everything… you've asked…! Where the hell are you?!"

"Where…? Where are you when I need you? I need you right now, so what are you doing? I just realised I don't know what my face looks like and you do, you touch it all the time, so you need to tell me, you need to touch it so I can feel it and know! Because if I don't know… I can't… I need a face… you need a face, humans need their faces! I can't without a face…! No one will talk to me if I don't have a face!"

"Give it back!" Tao's head started to hurt. He was kicking air with his legs, like a child having a tantrum. "I won't die! You'll be sorry if I die! You can't… without me! Give it back!"

(Stop it, Tao, shut up! You idiot, if she wanted you dead she wouldn't be still feeding you!)

"But she's not the one feeding me anymore!"

(So what, are you a baby to need to be fed like one? Besides, eating pills is better than those ghastly looking soups.)

"So I won't starve to death. Good for me! Instead, I'll just die out of loneliness!"

Tao was staring at the ceiling teary eyed, his heart thrumming in his ears.

(What the…? You a girl or something? What nonsense are you spouting?)

"Shut up." Tao closed his eyes letting a tear slide down his cheek.

(You're completely insane if you think that woman is your friend. She's keeping you company, just so that she can further brainwash you and use you.)

"Well, she's not doing any of it anymore, because she's not here, is she?"

(And look how that's affecting you! She's doing the brainwashing even when she's not here! You're doing the job for her! Hell, you're ready to live with all this bullshit just so you can go out and have a soda? Are you fucking kidding me? You're not dumb, so stop acting like it. Don't you know what she'll make you do with all the info you gobbled up like a drug addict? She's gonna make you kill hundreds of people you find so fascinating! She'll make you destroy all those wonderful places you wish to see, and you'll do it, because you're pathetic and weak and can't make a difference between a lie and a truth. That bitch was lying from day one! She took your arms or have you forgotten?)

"Shut the hell up! You don't know how I feel!" Tao repressed his sadness.

(Oh, and you do? Don't make me laugh, you pussy! You think going outside and meeting normal people will make you normal? You think you'll be able to become one of them and not feel lonely? Are you nuts? Just look at you, you limbless freak! Heck, even if you weren't chopped up, you'd still be a freak! Aren't you aware of your mind, of the way you think, of the things you know and think about? Don't you feel how odd your body is? You think anyone in their right mind will chitchat with you?)

"Stop it."

(You're not a human, Tao.)

"You're wrong!"

(You're a machine! A machine, Tao, a high tech walking and talking processor! You're not a human, you'll never be a human. And when she makes you kill, you'll become a monster too.)

Tao opened his mouth to fight it. Nothing, however, left his lips. He continued to lay in his bed and stare at the ceiling thinking deeply about something.

"I don't care," came a whisper from the corner of his mouth.

(You don't care, Tao?)

"If it means leaving this hell, I don't care." The whisper was left with no emotion.

(You don't care about killing?)

"I'll go out and meet someone."

(And kill them.)

"Still, I'll visit many places… Try living in some… I can taste different cuisines, check if I have a preference or an allergy… and I can always watch people from afar and learn their customs… See if I can be like them. I can still be free."

The voice took some time to give its opinion on the statement. In the end, it said that the freedom Tao wished for was an illusion.

"But I'll find out who I am."

(By then, you'll be a murderer.)

"There's no other way," Tao said after a long silence.

(You can always bite your tongue off and die.)

"I don't want to die," Tao uttered quietly, the numbness leaving him.

(Didn't you have enough?)

"But, why must I die? It's not fair, I don't deserve it." His lips curved as if he was trying to suppress a sob.

(You think people you'll kill will deserve it?)

"But, I tried so hard to endure it!"

(Maybe you shouldn't have.)

"I don't want to die!" Angry tears were rolling down his face. "There are so many things I want to do, to try… To feel! I don't want to give up when there's still hope! There's a chance all of this will make sense someday! I can't die now when I've finally became the best!" A small smile flashed on his red face. "And the present! There's a surprise for me, she'll give me a gift. I just have to wait and be good. That's… that's probably why she hasn't been visiting. She was too busy with the present."

Half way through Tao's excuses to stay alive the voice started to snicker. By the end of Tao's list of lousy reasons, the laughter became so loud, Tao felt pure terror for the first time in so long. His face twitched in an unfamiliar way. The wry smile on his face spread and strange giggles formed at the bottom of his throat.

He almost gagged when the first chuckle left his pale lips. The second and the third one were far stronger than the first and soon his body trembled in the rhythm of his broken breathing. The cute laughter was contiguous and it grew into an unstoppable guffaw, which filled the barren room with chill.

Tao was laughing at himself and it felt good.

Tao was such a wise, well-educated person, yet he was so very dumb and immature. Tao loved humans and hated them enough to sacrifice them for his own benefit. He was brave to try new things, yet he didn't like abandoning habits. He was tenacious and stubborn, and powerless and pathetic. Tao was full of contradictions, which made him almost human. Made him almost as fun as they were.

Tao loved humans because they were fun.

It was alright to be this way. He was ok.

When Dr Aris entered the room, Tao was still laughing quietly to himself.

She observed this intriguing behaviour until she got bored. She cleared her throat and Tao stiffened at the sudden noise. His head reluctantly emerged from between his knees. Dr Aris narrowed her eyes when Tao rushed to the edge of the bed just to – rather abruptly – stop and sit down. If Tao had fingers, he would be biting his nails right about now. The boy watched her with his huge black eyes like a puppy trying to stop itself from jumping in the lap of its owner. A well-hidden smirk appeared on her face as she took a step closer.

"How's my pretty boy, hmm?" Dr Aris asked contentedly, not really in need for an answer.

"I mi…" Tao's voice disappeared before he could finish. He swallowed the lump and looked the other way. She was beside him now and his hair was wide open for patting, yet she didn't seem to understand his hurried gesture.

"Aw… I missed you too." She licked her glossy lips as if she was in the middle of finishing the extra tasty dish she herself had cooked. She took a hold of his frozen shoulders and leaned over so she could whisper directly to his ear. "Remember the surprise I mentioned? Well, it's done."

"I knew it. She needs me, I'm still precious to her. I'll be free soon." Those were the only thoughts circling in his mind.

Dr Aris blinked in surprise when the boy turned in her grip and gave an armless hug. His body relaxed in an instance while his head rested on her chest. It was hilarious actually. She would have laughed hard if he weren't so damn cute.

"Ha… Are you that glad? Then again, you should be, I worked day and night for this." She returned the hug, tangling her fingers in his tar hair.

This was the first time she was so gentle. Was this strange sensation nothing more than the product of his imagination or was her touch different because she wasn't wearing the gloves she always had on her?

Whatever it was, it soothed him immensely, wishing she would caress more of his face. As if she could read his childish mind, her hand slinked through his tousled head and patted his ear and jaw.

His ear… it was like a human's, he could feel it, and his jawline was sharp. He had a small chin and cheeks with no baby fat at all. Temples, which were bony and a forehead, concealed beneath the short bangs that felt soft. Her warm hand rested over his eyes and he thought he could fall asleep. His eyelashes were sharp, his eyes big and round and further down his face was an ordinary nose. Just like in a human.

"So, don't you dare die on the table." The threat in her husky whisper was not heard.

Tao was preoccupied with her fingers playing with his thin lips. His face consisted of all the elements normal humans had. He won't scare them off and if he was lucky enough, he will be able to blend in. She always called him pretty for some reason and humans judged each other by their physical look. His heart pounded happily at the thought of being pretty. Pretty people were liked.

"My appearance…" Tao mumbled sleepily. "It didn't change?"

Dr Aris cocked her head to the side. "I said it wouldn't, didn't I? Oh, but, since we're on the topic… Hmm, let me see."

She pulled his head up and grabbed him by the neck. She released his hair and pushed down his eyelids carelessly. His eyes were still black as the night. At first she didn't like the fact they were always swollen, with nasty-coloured bags under them, but now, alongside his pale complexion, she found this combination haunting and quite thrilling. She was almost jealous he will be looking other people beside her with such eyes.

She will have to think about the possibility of adding some colour.

Another thing turned out to be unexpectedly sensual. The boy's hair turned to his original black except for one little part up front. It vexed her when she realised her experiment had failed; still, there was nothing more rewarding than a good mistake. She'll have to be cautious in choosing the hairdo. It will have to match one of the clothing styles she picked out from her favourite fashion magazine.

She nodded sure of herself. "Yes… I think I'll manage. Now, Tao, we need to talk about this surprise of yours."

She let him go and he had to regrettably move away from her.

"For this one to work, you'll need to sleep."

Tao mentally flinched. "Will the surprise hurt?"

"Ha! Don't be silly, you'll be sleeping! Mind you, it could be painful after you wake up, but that's just a minor detail. Anyway, you won't sleep for a long time. About a week or so. We have a big job ahead of us, it will take us some time to make everything work accordingly."

"Wh-What's the surprise?" He asked shyly.

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you." An ugly wrinkle accompanied her sneer.

What came next out of his mouth was barely audible, Dr Aris thought she imagined it.

"Ha ha ha, right."

She payed attention to his fallen gaze and the suppressed shiver. His expression became flat.

"Well then, without further ado." She instructed him to lay down, which he did. She took out the syringe and Tao immediately closed his eyes. "Hmm, I wonder if I'm being too lenient with you. You're a grown man, and I'm still going out of my way to please you and your whims." She thrust in the needle. "Can't stand the tube, can't stand the big needles, can't stand the pain, can't stand the pills and drugs and soups and all the preparation… So demanding."

Dr Aris was pushing the yellow liquid slowly in his body while Tao was biting the insides of his mouth. The drug stung like nothing before. He could feel it spreading through his veins, paralysing him in a second.

"This is a drug used only on enhanced humans. Ordinary sedatives won't work properly on you anymore." She pulled the needle out. "It reacts directly with your marked cells creating faster effect. You won't regain consciousness until the anti-drug is administrated."

The burning web enveloped his lungs and heart forcing it to stop beating. The hot threads squeezed his heart from all its lively juices and left a dry rag in its place. He stopped breathing before he lost the ability to see.

Dr Aris glanced at her watch. "You'll be out in three, two…"

Author's notes – chapter 8

Some fun facts (that you probably already know):

Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity. Typically, Stockholm syndrome develops in captives when they engage in "face-to-face contact" with their captors, as well as when captors make captives doubt the likelihood of their survival by aggressively terrorising them into helpless, powerless, and submissive states. This enables captors to appear to be nice people when they perform acts of kindness, or fail to beat, abuse, or rape the victims. The victim's need to survive is stronger than his impulse to hate the person who has tortured them.

Some drabble:

I found this chapter really interesting to write, because I think all of our ex humans had their moral codes crushed and they had to deal with what will become their new "normality" in life. The first one to crack in my story is Tao, obviously, since he was (not counting Krantz) the first to meet Dr Aris. He spent the most time with her, completely isolated from the world and stripped of his memories. Writing his inner turmoil was amusing since I finally got to officially introduce his trademarked Ha ha ha. Tao may still not fully resemble the Tao we know from the comic, but he's getting there.

As I said long ago, I think Tao developed some fascinating coping mechanisms, one of which is his nervous laughter. From what I gathered, he uses this laughter in the comic in: situations he can't quite grasp as quickly in order to adapt (even though he adapts pretty fast, he was still laughing like a maniac when he was in Franky's house for the first time, for example) or in situations he can't quite handle on his own; at times he behaves foolishly or unorthodox (for example those funny moments when his tongue is quicker than his brain); when he makes a mistake. The laughter always serves as a means of drawing attention from his minor panic attack. It gives time for his super brain to find a solution… at least that's how it looks to me.

On the side note, I think Tao really does like humans because they're fun. His first impression of Ikhan was He's fun. Ikhan played a game with him and Tao was hooked. And Ikhan was all like He stopped attacking when I lost connection. Did he just attack me for fun? (Or, did he attack to see how Ikhan will react? Hmm? Hmmmm?)

So yeah, this is a theory I've invented. Hope you're enjoying it as much as I do. Till next time!