CHAPTER 13
Author's notes part 1 – chapter 13
Friday the 13th…
So, um, yeah, brainwashing and some mentions of domestic violence with Dr Aris being extra creepy and even discussing at moments, so… I'm just going to repeat the warning for this chapter, but I think you guys already know how I write. A bit disturbing, but nothing too explicit. On the side note, this was a really challenging piece to write. Hope I did ok.
Also, you might want to skim through chapter 1 and 4, since they were a long time ago. There will be a lot of references to them in this chapter (and many other chapters too). A special 'easter egg kinda' connections to the chapter 2 and 6 are also here.
Be prepared guys, this will be the longest chapter of the story so far. I didn't want to split the "procedure" and I didn't want to omit a large author's note at the end (you don't have to read it, it's like 1800 words long XD).
Enjoy!
P.S. Next chapter will have Tao in it, I promise!
Here's what's gonna happen.
You will feel pressure forming in your head, a mild headache that you'll barely notice in the beginning, but then it will start pulsing like an open wound. The pressure will spread and grow in strength, but the pain it will cause will soon pass. Instead, there will be soreness and you'll feel like there is a huge bump on your forehead. Pulsing. Pumping all your blood in a strangely loud rhythm that is out of sync with your own pulse which is fading away in the background like any other sound you think you hear.
Your head will become big and too heavy for your stiff neck. Your shoulders will sag under the weight of it, pulling the rest of your body down. You will try to get up, but you will fail, not only because your limbs have gone limp, but also because you won't be sure which is up and which is down.
Your body is benumbed, your head is hanging. You'll try to move it and you will probably succeed a couple of times following the sound of ringing in your ears. You will not be aware of it at first, but in desire to move and escape, your head is now rocking in a steady rhythm of a loud pulse. When you do realise that the dark pressure, born in your mind, had grabbed you, you will try to stop moving. And you will fail.
This is the moment when you understand that you are trapped. Trapped in a movement. Again and again.
This is when your fear awakens and you try to guard yourself from everything. Alas, without you noticing, all your protective walls have fallen down since the first deep pulse. They've crumbled because nothing matters anymore except the loud darkness that enveloped your thoughts. You try to pull yourself together, you try to think. Think about the problem and find a solution. Ignore the fear and stay calm – It is what you do, no? So you think, searching for an answer while your body dances to the rhythm…
The more you think about the dark, the more you focus on it… The more you ignore the other things that are happening around you. You shut everything down, because you need all you've got, all your senses and all your attention to figure out the problem.
The only thing you are capable of thinking is the darkness. It has become your mind and your thoughts are not words now. In the darkness, where you can see nothing, the thoughts are sounds. Your thought… is a sound. Your mind… the pulse.
The pulse is you, you are the pulse. It beats inside you like a heart. It feeds you life.
Without it you are dead.
You are panicking.
You want to scream for help, but you can't. In all that overwhelming noise, you've lost your voice and you're desperate to find it. You're searching for it relentlessly like a thirsty man seeks water. You know how it is to be thirsty, and you can't handle it.
You need to find it, but you've been searching for so long now, you don't know what you had lost anymore. And that doesn't make it better, on the contrary. You are completely obsessed with it. You feel like you're losing your mind, because you cannot relax without it. And you need to relax. To feel safe and warm. You want to sleep. Sleep and forget about it all.
He wanted to sleep. To close his eyes and breathe deeply without any worry. His short breathes were in sync with the rocking rhythm of his head. He was unrelentingly looking for something. Not sure what it was, he knew it was similar to… It was… The trail of a sound that kept hitting him on the head like drops of water.
He had to find it. He needed it to stop.
The agony had to end.
But it was just the first round of the ruthless game. The first round…
Deep down inside he still remembered that he was drugged, that this was not real and that he had to fight it and stop it. At the same time destroying the sound made him panic, because it pained him not to be able to feel the pulse.
And the pain will kill him.
He knew death was what he wished for. He longed for it, he was ready for it.
And he just couldn't let himself die.
He needed to find something first.
Suddenly, you will hear…
Takeo flinched to the sound. It was the same, yet different. It was strong… It was close.
He saw red. Red.
Tap.
Takeo knew Dr Aris was in the room.
Tap. Tap.
He remembered how she looked like. She was the red.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Red hair and crimson lips hidden behind a finger that moved.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
He remembered everything she said. Everything she was saying for a… Well, it felt like hours, but Takeo knew it was only twenty minutes since she started explaining her drug. Right from the start, he wanted to mute her in his head, to protect himself from the web of lies and some screwed up form of manipulation she was planning to perform. To shut any additional noise in order to control his super hearing and concentrate only on important stuff. (Just like he was taught in training.) Yet his morbid curiosity didn't allow him to ignore her properly. It was necessary to know with what he was injected in order to fight it. So he listened carefully keeping his cool.
She talked to him in a calm voice as if she truly cared for him to understand the procedure. He was smart enough to know that couldn't be right. As she patiently talked, giving an impression like she was always this calm and easy to follow, Takeo was beginning to feel that he should stop listening. Right there and then. She wasn't saying anything helpful anyway, he might as well stop being so… cooperative…
But she was still talking.
And he couldn't make a sound.
Why…? Was it because… the finger? The way it floated over her lips… it looked like he was being… hushed.
That was ridiculous.
But if it was, why did he then thought of it in the first place?
Takeo knew something was seriously wrong. Knowing everything, yet knowing nothing was such an agonising feeling. Painful. He needed it to stop. He had to find…
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
He saw her lips twisting into a satisfied grin behind a lanky finger. The finger.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Takeo became aware that the rocking had stopped. Instead, he was now staring at her finger that was gently touching her upper lip. It was absurd for a movement like that to create such a loud sound, even for someone with super hearing, but Takeo honestly believed it to be the loudest noise he had ever experienced.
And it continued.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Once again, his gut was telling him to block it out, to close his eyes, to be very scared. He knew he was supposed to be scared because something abnormal and sick was happening. It was happening from the moment he was left alone with her. Alone…
He relaxed.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
She opened her mouth and he suddenly knew where his voice went.
"Do you want to talk?"
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Talk? Takeo wanted to scream and cry for help. He was wrong. Oh, how wrong he was! Again! There was a way they could hurt him more than they already did. He didn't know how they'll do it, but he knew they were doing it right now.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
This was different. He was not expecting this… Whatever this was. This was not normal. It wasn't even a borderline "normal" torture. He would have never thought of something like this. What was this, anyway? What was happening?
"You need to relax. A relaxing talk will do you good."
His voice was talking. No… It was Dr Aris. She was the one doing the talking; Takeo knew the difference, yet he could feel himself slumping against the chair, his body now completely out of commission.
"Comfy chair in a cosy room."
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
The voice was right. It was pretty comfortable.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
(No… no, no…)
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
(No, no, no, no… Stop…)
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
(Stop it, stop! What's happening?)
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
(Don't… don't do this… I beg you… No…)
"How about a story before you go to sleep?"
People always have a choice, even if it meant not making one at all. Even in the most bizarre and inescapable situations people still have some form of free will. You can argue that when Takeo made a choice to die he was not in the right state of mind. He was tortured, depressed and backed into a corner. You might even say he had no choice.
And you'd be wrong.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
This… This is how it looked like when you have no personal will whatsoever.
With simple words, Dr Aris reduced Takeo to nothing.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
And Takeo still didn't understand what was happening.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
But somehow… Somehow he knew this was going to destroy him.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
He endured for so long and now he'll fall after mere twenty-five minutes.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
"Hmm… I know. Why don't you tell me some stories from home?" Her voice was so sweet, Takeo could taste sugar in his mouth. "Hmm? About that restaurant you worked at? What was your job there?"
"Washing dishes." It sounded so alien to his own ears, Takeo wasn't sure he actually uttered those words. Unfortunately, it couldn't have been anyone else.
"For how long?"
"Six months." There was no reason to answer. No reason at all, yet he couldn't stop himself. The worst of it was that a large part of him didn't want to stop.
"Hmm… Why did you work at the restaurant?"
(No…)
"Nobody else wanted to hire me."
"Why?"
"I dropped out of school." Takeo had no control over what he was saying. He didn't even know what he'll say until he says it.
"Why?"
(No… no, don't.)
"I didn't want to go anymore." Takeo was the embodiment of inner screaming.
(Why… what...? Why is this happening?!)
"Why?"
"I was bad at studying and other kids hated me." He ordered himself to shut up and if he can't shut up then he should lie. (Just lie!) "I wanted to be somewhere else."
(Why are you telling her this?! Lie! Just lie to her, Takeo! You don't need to tell her! You don't want to tell her! Just stop it!)
But he couldn't stop it. He couldn't even remember lying was an option when he opened his mouth. When he'd try to form a lie… any lie, the simplest of them all, his brain would shut down and his uncontrolled mouth would automatically take its place. His mind wasn't capable of producing anything but the truth. And when he tried to alter it just a smidgen… Or at least omit a part of it, he realised he couldn't even do that because, as he noticed a moment ago, he didn't know what he'll say until he says it.
"Oh? Where?"
When he bit his tongue it wasn't because he knew what will leave his mouth. He felt it. This was the last moment to stop this game and, at that short moment, he was so happy he managed to delay his yapping mouth. There was barely any time between the questions and the answers, but even when there was some his mind was preoccupied with the question. Not that it helped him figure out how to lie.
(Don't you dare! Takeo! Don't you dare tell her! Don't! Don't think about the question, think about something else! Anything else!)
He tried so hard not to think about the question, not to think about her and her lips that were speaking in his voice.
"Takeo?" She called his name with such warmth and familiarity.
Tap. Tap. Tap…
(No…) Her- His- Her mouth opened.
"Relax, my dear, it's only chit chat."
Her- His jaw went slack.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap…
"Where did you want to be?" She looked him square in the eye.
"With Tama-san." He didn't even stutter.
(You bastard! How could you?! Die! Just drop dead!)
"Tama-san?" Dr Aris tilted her head. She seemed rather intrigued. "Who is that?"
"Oyabun."
The Japanese word calmed him a bit, because he knew she didn't understand it. He wished he'd continue using his mother tongue. Perhaps he couldn't lie… He could speak gibberish, tough. He ordered himself to speak in Japanese, wondering why he didn't use it from the start. It was his default language, was it not?
Was it?
"What does that mean?"
"Yakuza boss." Another failure.
"Ha!" A genuine surprise crossed her features. At that moment Takeo realised the woman didn't blink once since they started this painful conversation. Or he just didn't notice because all of his attention was on her lips and that one moving finger. "My little baby was involved with the mafia. How fascinating. How did we miss that?"
Takeo remembered the one sided conversation with Yuri, he remembered how she had observed and he knew that, despite her being insane, this woman was very smart. He knew what the next question will be. It was as if he could read what was on her mind, or… more precisely, he felt she could read him like an open book.
"Where is Tama-san?"
"Tokyo."
Knowing what was coming next did nothing to prepare him for the pain. He couldn't take it anymore. If she could read him…
(Stop, please, stop!)
"If you wanted to be with him, why were you in Sapporo?"
"I ran away."
"Why?"
"We fought."
"Why?"
"He wanted to get rid of me. I ran before he could do it." He almost chocked the moment the words left him. It caught him off guard how the answer was easy and fast, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. After so many times considering the reasons why he left the man, he never once got to the conclusion. He only knew- He was convinced (and rightly so) that the pain he was feeling upon leaving was his own fault.
Not once did it occur to him that running away was him trying to escape the pain. The pain of abandonment. Again, he was about to be tossed away and, since he couldn't stop it, he decided to do the next best thing – to control it. It wasn't Tama-san who betrayed him, it was Takeo who ended their relationship. It wasn't his mother who didn't care about her child, it was Takeo who left her with an ugly scar. His father was not a jerk, it was Takeo who played loudly with his toys.
(What…? What's happening…? Why is she asking these questions?)
Was this… true? Is this how Takeo saw things? He had made peace with himself when he accepted all of this to be his fault, for all of it to be on him. He was fine with it, but what if all of this was just his way to make things seem normal, to make them have reason? What if there is no reason? Was that worse than having one?
(What's happening… to me? Why…? Why do I have to… go through this? What, what is the reason, what does she want? What is she doing? Is, is she…? Are those my thoughts, or is this because of the drug? Is this my subconscious or something? What…?)
He could feel her glowing yellow eyes on him. Their light squeezed through the repetitive pulse. It was like a scene from a movie when the cops would put the suspect under a lamp light during an interrogation…
Interrogation… He was being interrogated. That's what this is all about.
(But why? Why?!)
"Tell me about Tama-san."
(For the love of God! Why?! Why can't you understand?! You've got nothing to threaten me with! You want to bring Tama-san here? Fine! I don't care! I don't care what you say, I'm not changing my mind!)
"He's like a father to me."
"Hmm…" She licked her finger as if she just ate a tasty cookie and there was some of the sugar left on it. "What about your real father?"
His body shivered and she noticed. That woman carefully analysed the way his face twitched still not being able to look away. He clenched his teeth and shock his head to the side like somebody used a Taser on him. His eyes barely followed his head, still being glued to her finger. From the way Takeo squirmed in his seat, he looked ready to spontaneously combust from the inside.
"You need to tell me about your father, Takeo."
(Wait… no… No, isn't that enough? You've got Tama-san, isn't that what you wanted? No… no, what is this? This… This isn't about blackmail. But… Why… why is she doing this? It makes no sense. What are they doing?
(What are they gonna do to me?)
"You need to tell me."
(No! God damn it, no! Enough!)
His mind shrieked from sudden pain that in an instant took a hold of every inch of his body. He felt his muscles contract like a spring ready to tear. His muscles put a lot of strain on his bones and soon his spine was convulsing like he was in a middle of a seizure, his face burning up while Takeo tossed his head around as a last resort to put out the fire.
"Takeo."
He groaned through his teeth, lifting his head up so fast he hit it on the sharp edge of the chair. He wheezed leaning on the back of his seat and noticed something shifting and moving towards him. Dr Aris came into his view with her finger pressed on her chin.
"You need to tell me."
Takeo was staring at her finger. It wasn't tapping.
The sound was gone.
"You want to tell me, don't you?"
He was going to die without the sound.
"You don't like it when it hurts," she continued in a voice that sounded remarkably like his own. "You don't want to die."
(No… Stop it… That's not me…!)
"You're a fighter, Takeo. Remember. You don't want to die."
Takeo was a fighter, he's been fighting this whole time. He didn't need a reminder, yet he did remember it all, some parts better than the others. It was strange. She was strange. She was… If Dr Aris could read him then she could probably predict with great accuracy what was going through his head over the past few months. But the words, his thoughts, his reasoning, all of it, she was…
(Stop twisting it!)
"You want the pain to be over."
(You're ruining everything!)
"I'll save you."
Tap.
"Aaahh…" A heavy sigh escaped his trembling lips.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The pain was lifting and once again Takeo was staring at her like he was hypnotised, his mind easing into the captivating rhythm of the pulse.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
For a moment he was so glad it was over.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
He then remembered she was destroying him with no effort at all. Bit by bit. With those beaming eyes she was devouring him, and with those words she was erasing him and everything he so desperately tried to salvage. Takeo was not going to wake up from this nightmare.
"Tell me about your father," she said after some quiet time.
"H- He was an alcoholic," Takeo mumbled weakly as one final attempt to rebel.
"Really?" She was enjoying this. "Was he violent?"
"… U- Used to b-beat me every day."
"How did that make you feel?"
"… Bad…"
"Bad," she repeated in a strange tone.
She wasn't just echoing his thoughts, she was actually telling him. It sounded like she was answering in his stead. Considering Takeo sounded nothing like himself, he was almost ready to accept it to be true, especially since he wasn't sure anymore if he had said the words first or just imagined it. It was getting hard to understand and remember what he was saying.
And then… Takeo could have sworn she had said more. Her lips didn't move; he would have noticed if they did, yet he was convinced he had heard the voice say something other than just "bad" and her self-confident stare just made the feeling more real.
He didn't have time to think about it all, tough, because the moment she uttered "You are feeling bad" everything else became of little and no importance.
He felt it. The feeling was so powerful and so fresh, it was as if he was a weak kid again, too scared to even protect his head from large fists. Takeo could almost sense the blood dripping from his nose like it did the first time his father ever slugged him. The deep voice of a tall man slithered through the rapid pulse and Takeo could see himself standing in the man's shadow while being shrieked at and called names. All those times he felt so worthless, so bad, all those demeaning moments – they all came rushing to his mind, even the ones he was certain were long forgotten.
And that made it even more overwhelming. That woman made him recall memories buried deep into his subconscious, things he didn't and wouldn't remember even if he wanted to.
"Do you know why he did that?"
Takeo hadn't even talked about this particular topic with Tama-san. If his mind wasn't as scrambled as it was, he would have never spoken about it with this bitch either. There wasn't much to tell, really, if you were seeking the truth. Takeo could probably waste hours (as he sometimes did) pondering over the reasons and explaining the conclusions he had gathered over the years. Truthfully, tough… If you were looking for the real truth…
"I don't know." It should have surprised him that in the end he thought that way, but it didn't. Maybe… deep down he's always thought that way.
"What about your mother? Did she make you feel bad too?"
The question hang in the air. The icy air that stung his lungs.
"… Yes."
Takeo had never asked himself a question like that and he had certainly never connected such a feeling to his mother. Now, it was forever stuck in him.
"Oh?" Dr Aris wasn't even trying to hide the amusement. "So, she was beating you too."
Takeo opened his mouth to respond, but then he felt such a familiar slap across his cheek, the one that almost carved out his eye once. There was a vivid picture in his mind, him in a living room, stumbling over an empty bottle of beer and making racket. A hand slamming in his face and Takeo being too slow to close his eyes. Between the hits he saw a murky silhouette of none other than his father.
It was his father… Right?
Broad shoulders, thick fingers… They belonged to his father? No, he was imagining it, the fingers were thick and the hands were large because he was so small.
It was his mother, he realised. Her long hear flipping over her face, making his vision blurry.
It was his mother.
She was beating him too.
"N… No…" Takeo whispered staring at Dr Aris who now wore a serious expression. She was analysing again, looking at him as if she too felt something was off.
"No?"
"No!"
(No, that's a lie- That never happened! It never happened! Mother never hurt me like this! What is this? This is not…! This is not my memory!)
"She had never beaten me!" Takeo was panting, his gaze fixated on Dr Aris who had that look on her like she knew exactly what had transpired.
(What… What are you doing? What just happened?! What did you do?!)
"She had never beaten you."
That was all it took to silence Takeo's mind and calm his breathing. Against all reason he completely ignored the fact that something truly twisted had occurred. Somewhere deep inside he was aware that Dr Aris almost managed to change his memory with a sentence. She didn't even put any effort in it, she simply suggested it… No, not even that. That woman just said it and Takeo did the rest of the work himself. He hopped on to the idea without a moment of hesitation.
He was a second away to believing in it, the memory and the sensation being too real to be a lie and if Dr Aris hadn't agreed with his protest… It was terrifying to even think about the consequences.
Maybe that was part of the reason why he immediately stopped when she gave him peace by repeating what he said.
"Alright… Never mind that." The voice was serene.
(Yes… It doesn't matter… because it isn't true. It isn't.)
"Did your mother approve of your father's behaviour?"
"… I don't know… She ran away." A clear distress coated his words and he wished he could be as relaxed as Dr Aris was. Despite hating what it implied, he missed the monotony in his voice now. With it he could at least pretend she wasn't tearing his soul apart with her intruding questions. (Hearing how wounded he was made this ordeal even more unbearable.)
"Oh, my poor baby. Your own mother abandoned you." She knew all too well how to hurt him. "Do you know why?"
"Another man…" Takeo probably would have said more if his chest wasn't feeling so tight. He wished he could turn away, but there was no escaping her unremitting gaze.
At that moment, the weirdest and the most disturbing grin Takeo had ever seen flashed her features. It disappeared as fast as it appeared and suddenly Dr Aris stood straight and spoke loudly.
"What a whore!" Takeo couldn't tell whether she meant it or not. "I would have without a doubt chosen you over some random guy. I mean, what the hell, both of your parents hated your guts. That can't be a coincidence."
(What…?)
"And you don't know the reason?" Dr Aris continued in a loud voice, words coming quickly out of her mouth as if she didn't need to breathe. "I know you can't lie when you're like this, but come on. You are aware that it's all your fault, are you not? Every child feels guilty, because they are. Why do you think you felt bad, Takeo? It's because you were bad."
(… What… what are you… saying?) It shouldn't have stung so much since he himself believed so for a long time, but… It was strange. Something was not…
"You're no exception, on the contrary, I'd say you're a perfect example. Let's look at your personality, shall we?" She was rambling like he wasn't there, picking up the pace. "You are disobedient, disrespectful, selfish, moody, and cocky. You refuse to listen, thinking the only right way is your way. I mean, what do you know? Sounds to me you know shit about the world, you don't even have a proper education, you don't even have mediocre social skills, how dare you think you know what's right and what's wrong? I say they were right to hurt you, both of them. You're such a failure, I wouldn't be surprised if you did something horrible to them, just like you did to your so-called friends from Sapporo."
Takeo absorbed everything; his mind was so full he thought he'll explode, yet she was still far from over.
"You know what I mean, Takeo, you know it's true. Those people from Sapporo – they were nothing to you. If you really cared about them you wouldn't have selfishly played with their lives. But, it was easy for you to do that, wasn't it? You knew they were weak meat, they really do resemble trash, don't they? No wonder you were so effective in the maze, running around blasting other people's brains, drooling in excitement over corpses like an animal! No! Like a psychopath! Do you know what psychopathy is, Takeo? It's a personality disorder, Takeo, you are disturbed.
"I know this to be true, because you have no conscience. You feel no shame for making your parents unhappy, and they were unhappy with you. Your mother left you because she was sick of an annoying little creature, and your father must have blamed you for chasing her away. It's no secret those two wished you've never existed, but you don't feel guilty, do you? You just blame others for everything."
It was true. At one short moment he thought he was wrong, that he wasn't guilty after all. He felt that in the end things just… happened. And there was no place for blame. It was a weird feeling, yet… not necessarily bad. But that couldn't be right, because all those years he believed… All those years he was in pain. It hurt. It was really bad.
It hurt because it was true.
And for some reason, unlike before, accepting it didn't bring him peace. Strange… It was… wrong. What she- What he was saying was all wrong, yet it was so spot on. These thoughts were upsetting him, it was disturbing how familiar they felt. Disturbing…
He was disturbed.
"I can imagine you also blamed your friends for letting the kidnapping happen to you and for not saving you, which is why you have no remorse for endangering them. We gave you an opportunity to save them, to even see them again and you refused, but maybe I'm being too harsh on you for that, since they obviously hated you as well. Unlike me. I've been putting up with your crap and I still haven't abandoned you. And what about them? They all decided to move on with their lives so soon after your disappearance, so maybe you do have a reason to act callously towards them." She kept throwing bombs at him, not giving him enough time to even think about objecting and at some point he completely forgot that he should.
Why fight it…? Why fight when he agrees? He still remembered how indignant he felt, how angry he was- How angry he is with them for leaving him here. Takeo felt bad about it, but that just meant the voice was right. He was right. He was right to act like that towards them.
Was that why he never wanted to see them again?
(… I… I don't…)
"Just like Yuri said, you're cold-hearted, and you have no fear. We all thought that was stupidity, but no, you are just crazy in a most fun way. Oh, and don't forget how violent you are! I don't have to remind you what you did in that maze, you remember it well! Oh, boy how surprised I was, but now, knowing what I do – everything makes sense!"
(… I don't… feel… I… don't feel good…)
The smell in the maze was awful. The gun powder and meat… It was making him nauseous.
(… I don't feel so good…)
"Of course a Yakuza boss would take you in, of course you'd think of a man like that as your father. He was the one who taught you how to shoot and kill, wasn't he? That criminal probably figured you'd be a nice bullet for him one day. Is that why you betrayed him in the end? Oh, but perhaps I shouldn't blame you for everything, I mean, it's hard to know how to love when nobody ever loved you, right?"
It was happening. It was coming and he couldn't do anything about it.
"It can be quite confusing when you don't know what love is. Thinking that Yakuza to be your father, for example. I can't even imagine what he did to you if he was like your father. Hurting you so bad, to the point you actually ran away from him! You see? Just like your mother, you really don't like it when it hurts. Everything I say is true!"
(… Like my mom…) Takeo sniffed, his eyes watering.
"I'm not surprised you grew up into a monster. Like fathers, like son."
The last time Takeo cried was when he was nine years old, on that night when his father hit his mother for the first time. He didn't even cry when he saw his mother with another man. He didn't cry when he had a fight with Tama-san. He was close to tears a couple of times, but Takeo simply didn't cry.
"Well…" She sighed. "This was very educational. I loved this little chat we had, such an eye opener, I finally know who you are, and I hope you understand now too. It's good to admit it and be free! I, for one, have nothing against psychopaths. It's just that, with you not caring about people I have a problem now. Hmm, what to do, what to do…?"
He couldn't explain it; he didn't even know why he was quietly sobbing in front of that woman. One thing was for certain, tough – Takeo was falling apart. He didn't even know a person could have so many pieces, and that if even one was out of place your heart would ache so badly you'd wish you didn't have it. Right now, every single one of those pieces was cracking loudly in his ears, withering away like they were never a part of him. They fell off of him and got washed away with the endless tears. Far away into oblivion.
He lost them all forever.
"But, maybe you were not born this way. I must admit that all of your relatives suck, they're completely useless. I suppose I wouldn't care about them either," Dr Aris huffed. She was honestly bothered by something. "Which begs the question, why would you try to kill yourself, Takeo?"
"… Uh…" He whined not really sure he was able to grasp what she was saying. Nothing she said before or now was understandable in a 'normal' way, but he understood it; he was hearing it in a different way, seeing it in a strange new light from a completely unknown angle that constantly shifted, therefore processing it in a way he never did. What was said didn't have to be logical and interconnected, and he couldn't say it was, but it made so much sense.
"There's no reason for it, yet Yuri firmly believes you were protecting someone."
"… huh… ha, I… I don…"
"I don't see who, unless you're not telling me something." She wasn't really paying attention to his weak incoherent mumbling.
"… don't know…"
"It would be marvellous if there was someone, tough." Dr Aris bent over to be closer to him, looking him straight in the eyes that seemed utterly lost, yet still focused on her. "If there is someone you love enough to give them anything, then there's still hope for you. If you are capable of love, well… Then you are not just a crazed monster. Are you?"
There was something in her voice… something in the voice… Something warm and soft… spilling into the cracks. He didn't know what it was, but he wanted it. Takeo needed it. Like a man suffering from thirst needed water.
"Don't you have anyone else?"
It was a fair guess that the drug have worn off. It's been over half an hour and Takeo had the fastest metabolism among DA5 monstrosities. Even if the drug was still active it shouldn't be as effective now that he was emotionally unstable to such extent that he could barely comprehend the questions.
"…S- Sibling…" Contrary to what one might expect, the drug worked just fine. Better even. It was the weakest answer he'd given so far, but also the fastest.
"Sibling?" Dr Aris almost slipped from her chair.
"Him… her…" A fast answer yet again and this time she didn't have to probe and be specific. "My mom… with that man…"
"Oh, a half sibling. How nice. I'm guessing you two never met?"
"No."
"Well, that's convenient, wouldn't you agree?" She was all fired up for some reason. "Tell me, Takeo, would you had liked to meet that child?"
"Yes…"
"You don't want to kill it, do you?"
"No… Why? I just… want to see… it, the name, I want to… to know… it…" She saw him jerk his head as if he was shocked, appalled even to the idea. She couldn't tell the shock apart from a mere twitch while he was like this.
"How mature of you. People would have thought you would have hated that spawn of hers," Dr Aris interrupted.
"… It did nothing wrong."
Dr Aris contemplated what he said for a moment and then she stood up as if she had finally passed the verdict.
"He… She must be an angel." Dr Aris put her right hand gently on his trembling shoulder. She made a circle around him, as a predator would circle around his defenceless prey, never tearing her knowing eyes from his pale visage. She turned on her heel and moved in closer, leaning on the back of his chair. Her other hand found the other shoulder and now her fingers were firmly attached to his collar bones. "And angels can't hate, you know. Not even the monsters."
Takeo was panting so hard, his weeping slowly dying on his lips. There was a moment of silence in his mind and her steady hands on his cold body helped him focus on it.
The silence… The absence of the sound.
"I think… big brother Takeo loves this child," Dr Aris talked softly to his ear not even trying to conceal a victorious smile. It was so unexpected and oh so ironically funny that Takeo harboured such strong and benign emotions towards someone he had never even met. Sure, she might have helped pushing him in the desired direction, but everything he said about that sibling were his words and he couldn't lie. It made her more excited for what was coming next. "Angels return their love tenfold. Your love is a mutual one."
Takeo took a shaky breath when the growing silence engulfed him in familiar pain. The chair was on fire. He was on fire. Even so, was he really squirming and sweating like crazy because he was being burnt alive or because Dr Aris tightened her hug around his neck? She nuzzled his hair, her eyelashes tickling his temple. He felt her lips leaving crimson traces on his ear.
"Doesn't that make you happy, Takeo?" She breathed into him.
"S-st…st…"
"There is a person in this world who will love you no matter what. The only person who has never and will never hurt you," she whispered, while her sharp fingers hot like iron slithered across his frozen chest. Her one hand lingered where his heart would be and formed a fist, grazing his skin through a thin layer of cloth with her polished fingernails. "It makes your cold heart jump from joy."
"Ss-sto… ph…" It physically hurt him to speak. He could almost taste the blood on his tongue. The blood… Till now Takeo wasn't aware his heart was pumping blood to his body. It was pulsing, spreading heat like the sound did… The sound that was gone. He has completely forgotten he had a heart until she mentioned it, and now he was addicted to its rhythm. It was powerful, stronger than the blasted sound that trapped him.
He felt warm inside, giddy even… That feeling, such a rare feeling… There was no mistaking it. It was happiness.
It was terrifying.
"It makes you feel alive." Her tiny teeth brushed his earlobe.
"Ss-top…!" Takeo let out a muffled whimper.
"She won't stop loving you. Ever. You can relax now." Takeo felt the wetness of her tongue when she licked her lips. Her weight shifted.
"S-stop it!"
Dr Aris pressed her lips on his brow and kissed him roughly. For some ridiculous reason that sensation felt familiar, as if she had already done this to him before. It made him sick to his stomach.
That woman pulled him closer and grabbed his jaw so he had no other choice but to look at her flushed face.
"Think about that." Dr Aris said with a satisfied grin. Then she hopped to the side letting him go. With a spring in her step, she walked to the corner of the room, humming some song in obvious celebration. She picked up her medical gun and turned around to look for something in her bag.
With an exasperated sigh, Takeo shook his body, his legs twitching in attempt to run, to awaken his super speed. His fingers dug into the chair on which he was bending his body in painful positions – all in hope to somehow get himself out of the bindings. Or at least move the heavy chair. Or at least…
Something. Just something.
It was all very clear to him now. There won't be a second round of the game.
The game was over.
Takeo jerked to the right hitting his head on the armchair. He heaved and opened his mouth almost entirely missing the belt that was squeezing his right wrist. Locking his teeth around the leather, he pulled and gnawed at it in haste. Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks realising it was all in vain. His teeth left no marks on hard leather and he had no strength to pull at all. It looked more like the belt was pulling him. Takeo gave up on the belts with a frustrated growl and punched his forehead on the hand.
"RAaargh!"
"Hush now, mommy needs to concentrate," said Dr Aris not even sparing him a look. She was measuring the next dosage of the drug.
Takeo was bashing his head, hitting it repeatedly on the numb hand. He was trying to make himself think. (Think! Think of something!)
Think about that.
And he did; it worked like a charm. (Like a command from a hypnotist.)
He was thinking about it. About his sibling. A small child wrapped in white, his mother rocking it to sleep near the Christmas tree with a beautiful ornament in a shape of an angel at the top. The angel… Her chubby face was like an angel's. Takeo couldn't hear her laughter, but it must have been a heavenly one for his stiff and grumpy mother to look at her with a soppy smile on her face. Takeo has never seen his mother make such an expression. So peaceful.
His mother kissed the baby's brow while rocking her gently to sleep. The man hugged them both, protecting them from the blizzard outside. The warmth was so radiant even Takeo could feel it… and he could pretend that he was a part of it. The peace and love.
This was what he wanted. What he yearned his whole life for. This simple picture on the other side of the window glass. And there was no bad feeling in him, no envy, no rage, no pain… Nothing bad. Just this. The calm of being loved, wanted and needed.
Dr Aris was now a part of it too.
She attacked the most intimate part of his soul.
Now… she will poison it. No…
She already did.
From where she kissed him the warmth spread and enveloped his pounding heart. He could feel every inch of his body relaxing against the steal chair. His tired eyes begged to surrender to deep sleep. He wanted to sleep… and dream about a night on Christmas.
"I'll kill you…"
Dr Aris put the newly filled barrel into the gun as if she didn't hear him. She checked the needle and hummed a couple of notes from her favourite commercial jingle.
"I'll kill you for this…"
Dr Aris turned around completely unaffected by his threats. She stopped in front of Takeo who seemed awake but not entirely self-aware. If he didn't sluggishly blink from time to time, one would think he was dead. His head, tilted to the side, was resting on the chair. Apparently, Takeo didn't even have enough strength to move his eyes to her general direction while uttering such heavy threats. (No, those were not threats. It was a promise. His words were clear, he sounded sane. The only reason why anyone would not take any of it seriously was because of how exhausted his voice was.)
"Oh no…" Dr Aris waved her head. "You will love me."
She cleared the hair from his neck and took her time caressing his nape coated in cold sweat.
"And you're gonna looove loving me." She pressed the needle on his skin and pulled the trigger. When she was done administrating the narcotic, she tapped him carefully on the cheek to check whether he's still responsive… or at least still alive. It was hard confirming the pupil dilation since his eyes were pitch black to begin with. (She will change that the moment she was finished with the reconditioning.)
To her delight, he was alive and conscious enough, which was in itself fabulous considering 98% of the drugged subjects had died from a stroke before the second part of the experiment.
This part of the procedure was never really tested thoroughly, nor did the initial experiments give any positive feedback. The new drug was simply too dangerous and too inconsistent. There were so many things that could go wrong and the risk was greater than what could potentially be gained.
The drug was a bastard child of a truth serums' cocktail, stimulant and hallucinogenic drugs. It was inspired by many researchers' papers on hypnotism, amnesia and alleged worldwide cases of brainwashing. The initial reason for the drug was to improve the effects of truth serums, which were rarely useful when used on trained agents and enhanced humans. The Union needed a more lucrative narcotic, hence the research started and led by non-other than Dr Crombel himself.
At first the drug seemed to be quite effective, especially since it had potential to be used in undeveloped fields (such as reconditioning and mind control). However, pretty soon everybody realised it couldn't and probably never will be used widely and successfully. Sure, it was easy to get information, but it was far easier to cause mental damage, create false memories or simply erase the whole mind before you actually get what you want and, once you do damage the mind, it was impossible to fix it or do anything with it.
The scientists then tried to somehow lessen the effect and find the middle ground between the conventional truth serums and the new drug. Many years have passed and they still haven't managed to create it.
The new drug was pulled out of circulation a couple of months after Tao first arrived at the Union. It was left only as a last resort and for emergency use only.
Dr Aris was more than glad because of the drug's failure, being it one of Crombel's inventions. Even so, she was somewhat disappointed that she couldn't use it freely. Takeo was such a nice excuse to play around with it, and if he actually survives the process of being brainwashed, she would succeed in something even that pig Crombel couldn't do. Losing Takeo was a risk she was ready to take.
She waited a couple of minutes for the drug to take effect and patiently watched for the signs of imminent death.
The really… fun part was about to begin.
"How are you feeling?" Dr Aris left the medical gun on her chair and resumed the earlier position behind Takeo's seat, hugging him from behind.
"Are you thinking about your sister?"
Sister… He had a sister, she was small, he remembered. She was born in winter… probably, no, she was. They were celebrating Christmas… in a beautifully decorated house. His mother was happy.
"It makes you happy, doesn't it? Thinking about your sister makes all the bad things go away." She was whispering in his ear. "Let me help you erase all the bad. I care about you. I want you to feel good."
It was good his mother felt so happy. It was good having a sister who made everybody cheerful. It made him feel…
"Tell me more about your sister, ok?"
To anybody else listening it was far from what a question should sound like. Takeo, on the other hand couldn't make a difference anymore.
"Ok." It was now his turn to repeat after the voice. It was much easier than it seemed.
"She's younger than you, right?"
"She's younger."
"She's cute and funny…"
"… cute and funny. Laughs like an angel…"
"… and you've always been together…"
"… we'd play in the garden all the time, in front of our beautiful house…"
"… where we lived with mother and father…"
It wasn't repeating. It was talking… in a good, soothing voice.
It went on and on.
Again and again.
And at some point Takeo was so happy that he couldn't stop talking about his beloved baby sister Teira.
Author's note part 2 – chapter 13
Heeeere's Teira!
Now that that's out of my system, let's talk about some serious stuff.
It is very hard to figure out whether someone is lying or not. If you have the intention to lie to someone you will most probably succeed. Torturers can't tell whether someone is giving them the truth or just what they want to hear. Some torturers don't believe the victim even if they do tell the truth, so, naturally the truth gets twisted into a lie. Not to mention that torture has a great impact on memory. It can create false memories and amnesia.
Truth serum – it's somewhat of a myth. It's more similar to alcohol that makes you relax in a presence of a friend (interrogator) and hinder your imagination (stop you from easily thinking up a lie or even your ability to decide whether you should lie or not). The effect is like a "loose tongue", which doesn't mean it will get the interrogator the information he wants (more likely he will drown in a pile of random information that can be or not connected to one another).
Hypnosis – in this special mental state, people feel uninhibited and relaxed. You are also highly suggestible, so you approach the suggestions of the hypnotist, or your own ideas, as if they were reality, and embrace them.
Hypnotism should calm and subdue the conscious mind so that it takes a less active role in your thinking process. You're still aware of what's going on, but your conscious mind (the one that filters through everything and is in charge of putting on the brakes) takes a backseat to your subconscious mind (the imaginative and impulsive one). This allows the hypnotist to work directly with the subconscious (which takes care of all the stuff you do automatically and regulates your bodily sensations, such as taste, touch and sight, as well as your emotional feelings).
When the hypnotist can speak to your subconscious directly, he or she can trigger all these feelings. Additionally, the subconscious is the storehouse for all your memories. While under hypnosis, subjects may be able to access past events that they have completely forgotten. Psychiatrists may use hypnotism to bring up these memories so that a related personal problem can finally be resolved. Since the subject's mind is in such a suggestible state, it is also possible to create false memories, because when you're hypnotised it seems like the hypnotist's suggestions are coming directly from your subconscious, rather than from another person. You react automatically to these impulses and suggestions, just as you would to your own thoughts. Of course, your subconscious mind does have a conscience, a survival instinct and its own ideas, so there are a lot of things it won't agree to.
The most widespread example of the hypnotic behavioural modification is habit-control hypnotic treatment where a hypnotist focuses on one particular habit that is embedded in your unconscious (smoking, for example). The hypnotist may be able to reprogram your subconscious to reverse the behaviour. Some do this by connecting a negative response with the bad habit. For example, the hypnotist might suggest to your subconscious that smoking will cause nausea. If this association is programmed effectively, you will feel sick every time you think about smoking a cigarette. Alternatively, the hypnotist may build up your willpower, suggesting to your subconscious that you don't need cigarettes, and you don't want them.
In the world where the Union and creatures with mind control abilities don't exist, the subject must want to be hypnotised, must believe he or she can be hypnotised and must eventually feel comfortable and relaxed. If these criteria are met, the hypnotist can guide the subject into a hypnotic trance using a variety of methods:
Fixed-gaze induction or eye fixation where the basic idea is to get the subject to focus on an object (in this case a sound and a repetitive movement) so intently that he or she tunes out any other stimuli.
Rapid method whose idea is to overload the mind with sudden, firm commands. If the commands are forceful, and the hypnotist is convincing enough, the subject will surrender his or her conscious control over the situation especially if they are in the situation that puts them on edge.
Progressive relaxation and imagery where by speaking to the subject in a slow, soothing voice, the hypnotist gradually brings on complete relaxation and focus, easing the subject into full hypnosis.
Loss of balance that creates a loss of equilibrium using slow, rhythmic rocking. Parents have been putting babies to sleep with this method for thousands of years.
Before hypnotists bring a subject into a full trance, they generally test his or her willingness and capacity to be hypnotised. The typical testing method is to make several simple suggestions, such as "Relax your arms completely".
There is also a Posthypnotic amnesia (memory loss sustained from a hypnotic state which can include inability to recall events that occurred during hypnosis or information stored in long-term memory).
Brainwashing – some say it's true, some say it's not; I say it's plausible, because as you all know manipulation is a thing, it exists, and for me brainwashing is just another form of manipulation. In the late 1950s, psychologist Robert Jay Lifton studied former prisoners of Korean War and Chinese war camps and defined a set of steps involved in the brainwashing cases he studied:
Assault on identity (A systematic attack on a target's sense of self and his core belief system. The torturer denies everything that makes the target who he is.) You are not who you think you are.
Guilt (While the identity crisis is setting in, the torturer is simultaneously creating an overwhelming sense of guilt in the target. He repeatedly and mercilessly attacks the target for any "sin" the target has committed, large or small. The target begins to feel a general sense of shame, that everything he does is wrong.) You are bad.
Self-betrayal (Once the target is disoriented and drowning in guilt, the torturer forces him to denounce his family and friends who share the same "bad" belief system. This betrayal of people he feels a sense of loyalty to increases the shame and loss of identity.) Agree with me that you are bad.
Breaking point (The target may undergo a nervous breakdown - uncontrollable sobbing, deep depression and general disorientation - and lose his grip on reality feeling completely lost and alone. His sense of self is lost, he has no clear understanding of who he is or what is happening to him.) Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?
Leniency (The torturer offers some small kindness or reprieve from the abuse. He may offer the target a drink of water, or take a moment to ask the target what he misses about home. The small kindness seems huge, and the target may experience a sense of relief and gratitude completely out of proportion to the offering.) I can help you.
Compulsion to confess (For the first time, the target is faced with the contrast between the pain of identity assault and the sudden relief of leniency. The target may feel a desire to reciprocate the kindness offered to him, and at this point, the torturer may present the possibility of confession as a means to relieving guilt and pain.) You can help yourself.
Channelling of guilt (After weeks or months, the target's guilt has lost all meaning. He's not sure what he has done wrong, he just knows he is wrong. This lets the torturer to fill in the blanks by attaching that sense of "wrongness" to whatever he wants. He attaches it to the belief system he is trying to replace. The target comes to believe it is his belief system that is the cause of his shame. The old belief system is associated with psychological (and usually physical) agony and the new belief system is associated with the possibility of escaping that agony.) This is why you're in pain.
Releasing of guilt (The embattled target is relieved to learn there is an external cause of his wrongness, that it is not he himself that is inescapably bad. This means he can escape his wrongness by escaping the wrong belief system. All he has to do is denounce the people and institutions associated with that belief system. The target has the power to release himself from pain. With this the target has completed his psychological rejection of his former identity. It is now up to the torturer to offer the target a new one.) It's not me, it's my beliefs.
Progress and harmony (The torturer introduces a new belief system as the path to "good". At this stage, he stops the abuse, offering the target physical comfort and mental calm in conjunction with the new belief system. The target is made to feel that it is he who must choose between old and new, giving the target the sense that his fate is in his own hands, and making a "conscious choice" helps to further relieve his guilt. The choice is not a difficult one. The new identity is safe and desirable because it is nothing like the one that led to his breakdown.) If you want, you can choose good.
Final confession and rebirth (The target chooses the new identity, clinging to it like a life preserver. He pledges allegiance to the new one that is going to make his life better. At this final stage, there are often rituals or ceremonies to induct the converted target into his new community. This stage has been described by some brainwashing victims as a feeling of "rebirth".) I choose good.
Each of these stages take place in an environment of isolation. Mind-clouding techniques like sleep deprivation and malnutrition are typically part of the process. There is often the presence or constant threat of physical harm, which adds to the target's difficulty in thinking critically and independently.
Certain personality traits of the brainwashing targets can (but don't have to) determine the effectiveness of the process. People who commonly experience great self-doubt, have a weak sense of identity, and show a tendency toward guilt are more likely to be successfully brainwashed, while a strong sense of identity and self-confidence can make a target more resistant to brainwashing.
As you may have noticed I combined a lot of things, but my main source of inspiration for this chapter was hypnosis. I used some of the things about brainwashing in the Tao centric chapters.
Once again, I'm sorry for such a long chapter and such a long author's note. This is a fan fiction made for fun, but I think the theme of it is serious and sensitive and needs to be discussed, so if anyone has better information or thinks I got something wrong feel free to share it with me.
Thanks again for reading. See you soon!