Chapter 3 - Kaz
The silence was back. He reached past her, noticing her still as his bare arm brushed the outside of her covered leg, ever so slightly. The water didn't rise. He picked up his gloves, reached for his cane that was resting against the wall beside the basin, turned away from her and limped toward the desk he still kept in his rooms. He mainly used the office downstairs, it used to belong to Per Haskell, and he couldn't quite shake the feeling that it wasn't entirely his yet. He knew he had earned the right to use it, that he was the rightful leader of the Dregs. But still, he kept his desk upstairs as well. The desk up here was covered with an odd combination of important papers and notes that he didn't want wandering eyes to see and long, dull treatises that he would read into the early hours of the morning, willing them to bore him to sleep. He rarely did sleep.
He picked up his discarded shirt from the back of his desk chair. He could feel the tickle of stray hairs on the back of his neck and his chest. He brushed them away, put on his shirt, looking back to Inej as he slowly did up the buttons. Then he put on his gloves. She flinched.
"I'm here because I want to hear what Sturmhond has to say. These are my saints, Kaz - not yours. Besides, I think we both know that Jesper and Wylan will only agree to this if I'm on the crew. And," she paused for effect, "You will need a ship". She slipped from the vanity and was now standing a few feet away from him.
"So you're on the crew?" He knew she had implied that she would be earlier. But he was half hoping that she hadn't really meant it. Kaz wasn't sure he could survive this new wall that he had built between them if they were in close quarters for too long - if he wouldn't just rush towards the stone, moss-covered from the year they had spent apart and grab fistfuls of it, climbing back over it, back to her. He wasn't sure if he could protect her.
"Is that a problem? I am, after all, the best spider" He turned back to his desk, rifling through the papers just so he would have something to do. Why was he acting like this? It had been a long, lonely year. But that was how Kaz liked it. Right? He had expanded operations into 3 new clubs, increased revenue by over 32%. Pekka Rollins hadn't returned, and he had also been growing his revenue in new, less criminal affairs. Pull yourself together, he told himself. It has been a prosperous year with few distractions - without Inej.
But he did need the best spider, and she did have a ship.
"No, it's not a problem."
He heard her cross the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her stood by the window. Ready to leave. Again.
"Why didn't you say goodbye to me?" Her voice, quiet, but he knew this sentence would play over and over in his mind tonight. As he lay on his bed, wishing for sleep to take him, all he would hear was the hurt in her voice. In this moment.
"I did say goodbye to you," and he had. A brief nod as he stood and watched her ship depart.
"You know what I mean." Silence. "Never mind."
He knew in a second she would be gone.
"Inej" what are you doing, Kaz? he thought to himself. Be quiet. Let her go. She stilled. "I.." How could he tell her that the reason he had built the walls and put his armour back on was to protect her? As he had stood with Inej and her parents, he shook her papa's hand- without his gloves on. It had taken everything in him not to keel over, but he hadn't. They were talking animatedly in Suli, and Kaz had spotted a young boy watching them. He had dismissed it, that is at least until several minutes later, he had seen Rotty, a high-ranking member of The Black Tips, slip a note to him. He excused himself and followed the young boy down an alley. The message had read, "We hit them through the Wraith". On his arm was a tattoo of five birds - the Razorgulls.
The gangs were forming an alliance to take down Kaz. To take down the Dregs. And they were going to use his Wraith to do it. After this, Kaz had stepped back from her, offering information and allies that he knew would help get Inej out of Ketterdam faster. Away from him. He couldn't be sure if this was a direct result of the fight with Van Eck, the fact that Van Eck had known she was his tell - had he told anyone? Or, they might have simply seen Inej's hand in his own as they stared over 5th harbour. Either way, he wouldn't let the target remain on her back. Not because of him.
"I know you feed the crows." She whispered, her voice cutting through him, sharper than any of her precious blades, "they wouldn't still be here if you didn't. And, for what little it's worth, I'm here because I've missed you." The slightest pause. He remained silent. "But, I meant what I said. Without armour, Kaz Brekker, or not at all."
He watched her slip away and regretted his silence, his cowardice, that he hadn't told her the truth.