Chapter 5 - Kaz

"It's late," he said. "I should go back to the Slat", but he remained. He couldn't bear to pull his hand away. There was so much still to be said. He wanted to tell her everything. About Jordie and the years before and the years after, before he had known her. He wanted her to know Kaz Rietveld as well as Kaz Brekker.

"What does the R stand for. On your arm?" For the briefest moment, he wondered if she could read his thoughts.

"It's a reminder of why I started this. My family name. For Jordie."

"Rietveld" she breathed. He nodded. "Kaz Rietveld". He hadn't heard his name spoken aloud since he had been a small boy.

He twisted his body so that he was facing her. His hand was still intertwined with hers on her knee. The waters hadn't risen yet.

He reached up with his other hand. Inej remained perfectly still, her eyes watching his every movement. He brushed a strand of hair off her face. How often he had imagined what it would be like to hold her silky hair between his fingertips. To run his hands through it. He let the strand drop and softly, ever so softly, traced the tip of his finger down the side of her cheek. His finger lingered. Too quickly, he felt the waters rise around his ankles. He forced his eyes to stay open, to look at Inej. Beautiful, brilliant, warm Inej. Her shoulders had risen ever so slightly with his touch. "Inej", he whispered. But the waters were rising faster now. And he could feel himself slipping away. She's here; she's alive. I'm alive. But the thought of Jordie was too close in his mind, and suddenly he felt as though he was no longer sat on the bed. He was in a sea of bodies, the stench of decay clouding his senses, his eyes squeezed shut so he couldn't look down and see his own decaying body. So he wouldn't see Inej's bloated body floating with the rest.

"Kaz", he could hear her, so softly, her voice like a rope thrown into the sea for him to cling to so she could drag him out. "Kaz", the waters receded. "Kaz", he opened his eyes and pushed himself away from her.

"I went to see Pekka Rollins" He snapped his gaze back to hers.

"What?" He rasped, "When?"

"Before I left. He won't be coming back to Ketterdam again." So his wraith was the reason why Pekka had left Kerch with his son and a skeleton staff in tow. Kaz had managed to acquire a couple of Pekka's establishments- but he couldn't help himself looking back every now and again, wondering when he might reappear. It seemed as though the answer was never.

"Why?"

"Because I still believe you can be more than the next Pekka Rollins. You told me no peace or forgiveness was waiting for you. I disagree. You've earned a lifetime of peace, Kaz. You saved me. You came back for me. You avenged me. You paid off my indenture. You found my parents and gave me my freedom. You saved the Grisha. You gave Ravka a chance. You gave us all a chance, Kaz. Please, please give yourself a chance."

"The Queen's Lady Plague", he watched the realisation flash across her face. "Pekka took everything from us. We were on the streets during the firepox outbreak. There was nowhere to go. We both caught it. I woke up on the Reapers barge. Everyone was dead. No one could hear me. Ask me how I swam to the shore, Inej. Ask me"

"How?" She whispered

"I used Jordie's body. I didn't have the strength to stay afloat on my own. I couldn't save him." She closed her eyes. He knew she was making a silent prayer to her saints. He wondered which one. He knew he should comment on it, make a snide remark to annoy her, so he could end this conversation, give himself some respite from these memories. But he didn't.

After a moment, she opened her eyes again. "That's why," she said. Kaz nodded once.

"Pekka being gone doesn't stop the other gangs from planning their move, Inej. I've done all I can this past year to strengthen the Dregs, to keep the others weak. But you know how quickly the tides can turn - especially if we're away searching for the heart of Sankt Feliks."

"Yes," she replied, "but they can't get us if we're not here."

He wondered if that was pity in her eyes. Pity for Jordie. Pity for him. He hated the thought of her pitying him. His mind felt like it was being pulled in a hundred directions. He had never felt so out of focus. He wanted to reach back out to her, but he wasn't sure if he could. He'd already pushed himself so much tonight. Despite that, he could stop his fingers from reaching out and resting on the soft fabric covering her forearm. He stilled for a second and then began tracing the smallest pattern, right over the spot where her Menagerie tattoo used to be.

"Kaz", she whispered again. He wished he could bottle the sound of his name on her breath so he could play it over and over again. He would never listen to anything else.

She pulled at her sleeve, her fingers brushing his ever so quickly. He didn't recoil; he just moved his strokes to the space above her knee, concentrating on her warm body and beating heart. He noticed her breathing had quickened. Her eyes were slightly glazed. He wondered if he would be able to see his own glazed eyes mirrored in hers. She pulled her sleeve up, and on her arm where his fingers had been moments before was a tattoo. Not the menagerie tattoo that she had cut off. Not the tattoo which had been replaced and subsequently removed following their trip to the Ice Court. No, this tattoo was very familiar, akin to the own on his arm—the crow-and-cup.

"Why?"

"To remind me of home."

"The Dregs?"

"No, Kaz. You."

His fingers itched to move back and trace the outline of the tattoo on her skin. So he let them. The waters didn't rise. But he knew this was as far as he could go tonight.