A Morning Started Off Right

by Verie

Complete insanity. Focuses mainly on Schwarz... Weiss receives a mission, stating that Schwarz is attempting to steal the nation's supply of toasters, this information turns out to be false, however, and Weiss winds up stealing the only toaster Schwarz ow

A Morning Started Off Right.

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Verie: .. erm.. blargh. o.O; um.. ok... this fic.. is odd. But basically, my excuse for this is that the toaster thing all started when my friends and I were watching Weiss.. and "Farfie" and I started fandubbing it. And thus... lead to Brad's toaster and Aya's refusal to trade. And such. Then I told my other friend about it. And she wanted me to type it up. But since Farf and I hadn't ever made up a reason for Weiss to have Brad's toaster... I had to think of something. So anyhow, I wrote the fic so I wouldn't be brutally maimed. That and she promised me a picture of ChibiNekoBrad if I wrote it... ... and you should all know that I can't resist a picture of ChibiNekoBrad.

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All was well in the flower shop, "Kitty in the House." .. Except, you know, for the fact that it was surrounded by tons of psychotic fangirls who desperately need lives, especially since the place was closed.

Anyhow, down in the basement, all the elves -- err... Weiss.. peoples were gathered around the wonky screen. Because they were being given a mission! yes, that's right. A MISSION. ... And such. Anyhow, on with the mission.

"Weiss! You have a new mission. We have reason to suspect that Schwarz is attempting to steal the nation's supply of toasters." Persia said.

"THOSE BASTARDS! Trying to deprive the nation's children of toast and pop tarts and other such wonderful things that come from the amazingness of toasters!" Ken exclaimed.
"A toaster is even more attractive than a beautiful woman." Yohji nodded. (We won't ask, ok?)
Everyone remained silent.
"... ... Brittney Spears is hot..." Ken added to the silence.
They all nodded. Because they're LOSERS. ... I'm not biased or anything ^_^;
"Anyhow, your mission is to get the toasters back, return them to their rightful owners. .. Oh, and kill Schwarz too. You know.. for depriving the puppies of toast and stuff. Hunter of light, deny these um... line?"
"... Dark beasts?" Manx asked.
"Um.. right. Hunters of light, deny these dark beasts their next weeks."
"Tomorrows." Manx corrected.
"Whatever, woman, I don't care! I'm supposed to be dead but instead I'm in a freaking fanfic! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" And with that, the screen went blank.
Weiss looked confused, which is nothing new.
"So, I'm guessing you're all in?" Manx asked.
"Right! To save the beautiful toasters from their prostitution!" Yohji exclaimed.
"... They're prostituting toasters?" Ken looked confused.
"... I don't remember Persia mentioning that." Omi blinked.
"... ... ... Um.. o.. kay." Manx blinked, handed Aya the folders, and got out of there as fast as she could. Which wasn't very fast, you know, considering she wears heels and socks and stuff. ... Or something. .. Then she got mobbed by fangirls on the way out, so now she's in the hospital. But we don't care about that.
(You see, for a second the fangirls thought she was Aya in disguise)

The Schwarz Residence

Crawford ignored the chaos around him, he long since learned to stop asking "Farfello, what the HELL are you doing?!" or "Nagi, why are there pictures of Omi in your room?" or "Schuldich... why did I hear noises coming from your room last night?" .. It was all just too disturbing. He had long since realized he was the only normal person in Schwarz.

His day had been odd enough as it is, anyway. Sure, his morning routine went normally, he woke up, he put on one of his many cream suits, he had a cup of coffee and toast and he read the newspaper. ... Then things started getting weird.

For one thing, Nagi seemed bent on twisting everything in the house into odd shapes.

Such as the frames of Brad's glasses, which were now an interesting heart shape.

So now Brad had to wait a couple hours for the optometrist to find the new frames,

meanwhile, Nagi was attacking the silverware.

Then, things got weirder, when Nagi just happened to get ahold of Schuldich's lucky silver spork.

Which was now in an interesting pentagon form.

Naturally, Schuldich freaked out, and jumped out of the window. But you see, he's Schuldich, so all he really did was jump out the window and go out to some bar and stuff. You know, and to sell crack to small children.

Farfie, however, had found much more productive things to do in his spare time!

He was currently shreading the curtains. ("God likes curtains, so hurting curtains hurts God!")

And thus, went an average day. .. And stuff.

The Next Day

Brad got up, he put on another cream colored suit, he walked into the kitchen, got a cup of coffee, put his toast in the toaster....

"... What....? ..... SCHULDICH! WHERE THE HELL IS THE TOASTER?!" Brad demanded.
Schuldich walked in.
"What? It's missing?" He asked, yawning.
"Yes, as was hinted by my demanding WHAT THE HELL YOU DID TO THE TOASTER!" Brad yelled.
"I didn' do nothin'. Mebbe Farf's jamming forks into it somewhere." Schuldich answered.
"... ... We have no forks, Nagi bent them all." Brad muttered.
"Fine, maybe he's sticking his hand into it, gawd.. I'm not a precog, that's your job." Schuldich said, taking a beer out of the fridge (the only way Schuldich would start his morning).

Ok... perhaps he's right... maybe Farfello has stolen the toaster, and is simply jamming his hand into it... I can simply go find him, demand he wash the toaster out, plug it back in, and I can start my day correctly. Brad thought to himself, because obviously, any break in routine would drive him insane.
Because I mean...
what else was there to KEEP him sane?

So Brad went off to find Farfello, who happened to be out in the backyard at the moment.

"Farfello, what in hell's name have you done with our toaster?" Brad asked.
"I haven't done anything with the toaster." Farfie replied, stabbing ants with one of his knives.
"... Are you CERTAIN? You DO know what a toaster is right? It that shiny metal thing I use to make toast with, because making toast hurts God, right?" Brad asked, desperate to find his beloved toaster.
"... Making toast hurts God?" Farfie asked interestedly.
"Yes, very dearly. Infact.. if you make enough toast, God might die! Just because toast is so heavenly and the like. .. Or something. Just help me find the goddamned toaster!" Brad exclaimed irritably.
Farfie looked down at his beloved anthill, and then imagined God dying if he found the toaster.
"Ok then." Farf replied.
"Great! You look um.. around here and in the house and I will.. go ask Nagi what the hell he did to my toaster." Brad said, and walked back into the house.

What the hell would Nagi want with my toaster? He KNOWS not to touch my stuff.. then again, he also knew not to touch Schuldich's lucky silver spork, and he bent that into a pentagon. Brad sighed.

So Brad walked back to the house to question Nagi.

"Nagi, what the hell happened to the toaster?!" Brad demanded, trying to ignore the fact that the room was covered in disturbing images of Omi, or, almost as disturbing... Tot from Schreient. Yes, it was hard to ignore these, but he had too. To preserve his sanity.

"I haven't seen it." Nagi said. "You didn't do anything with it?" Brad asked in surprise. "Nope. Did you ask Farfello?" Nagi asked, but Brad was already walking off muttering darkly to himself.

"Should've seen it comin'." Schuldich smirked as Brad walked past. "Oh shut up." Brad said. "Just have a cup of coffee, it's not the end of the world, after all." Schuldich yawned.

Brad turned around and glared at him. "Not the end of the world?! Just have a cup of coffee?!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!! You can't *JUST* have a cup of coffee, you idiot!!! A PROPER BREAKFAST CONSISTS SOLELY OF A CUP OF COFFEE *AND* TOAST!" Brad exclaimed.
Schuldich stared at him for awhile. ".... Well, it'll be lunch time soon. Just skip breakfast." Schuldich said rationally (something he wasn't good at unless he tried).
"SKIP BREAKFAST?!!! YOU CAN'T JUST SKIP BREAKFAST!!! BREAKFAST STARTS A PERSON'S DAY!!!!" Brad screamed.
"... You know what, Brad? You're RIGHT. Infact... I bet we can solve all your problems. We'll just call some of Farfie's friends... they've got all your toaster needs. And you'd like their clothes, too. White coats. You'll love it. It'll be just like a looong vacation." Schuldich said soothingly, edging towards the phone.
"Damnit, Schuldich! I've lost the freaking toaster, not my mind!" Brad exclaimed.

"Sure coulda fooled me." Schuldich said simply, deciding to program the local asylum into the speed dial.

Brad looked out the window, as Farfie apparently was searching for the toaster by stabbing a tree. Lazy bastard... Brad thought irritably.

Then, Nagi walked in.

"Why don't you just buy a new toaster?" He asked.
"What? I'm not wasting my hard earned money on a toaster." Brad replied irritably.
"But... it seemed so important to you." Nagi blinked.
"It is! But not enough to make me spend my hard earned cash." Brad said.
"But there's coupons in the paper. For toasters. We can get one for five bucks." Schuldich said. (Don't ask me why they're not using Yen... they just *AREN'T* ok?!)

"I am not wasting five dollars on a freaking toaster!" Brad exclaimed.
"... This is all because you're a picky little bastard and want *THAT* toaster, isn't it?" Schuldich asked.
"... I liked that toaster." Brad sighed.
Schuldich and Nagi looked at eachother nervously.

Just then, a note was slid under the door.

"What the hell?" Schuldich asked, picking up the note.

Dear Schwarz,

We have your toaster. Hand over the other toasters, or Nagi's teddybear gets it.

Love,
Weiss

"My teddybear?!" Nagi cried.
"What the hell...?" Schuldich asked, staring at the note.
"THOSE BASTARDS STOLE MY TOASTER!" Brad exclaimed.
"Um. right. .. What do they mean by 'other toasters'? If we *HAD* another toaster, Crawford wouldn't be acting like such a.. um.. mental patient. .. Or something." Schuldich blinked.
"What're we gonna dooo??? I need my teddybear to sleep!" Nagi sniffled.
"You should have kept better track of it. Anyhow, we don't give a damn about your stupid bear. We need to focus on getting our toaster back!" Brad exclaimed.
"Oh, so now it's *OUR* toaster, eh?" Schuldich asked.
"Shut the hell up and help me think of a plan." Brad growled.
"Whatever. What's in it for me?" Schuldich asked.
"I let you both live?" Brad asked, smirking evilly.
"Well, I don't so much care about him," He nodded to Nagi, "but you know what? I'd kind of enjoy living. So I'm in." Schuldich said, sitting down at the table.
Nagi just sort of sat there and cried...
And Farfello was outside stabbing plants. ... And um... ... mauling the neighbors dog. Yes.. that works.

An hour later...

"So... we go into the hospital, take the bastard's sister, and then demand a trade?" Schuldich asked.
"Yep." Brad answered.
"Um.. ok. I'll do the kidnapping, then." Schuldich said, and with that, the plan was active.

Awhile later...

Nagi knocked on the door to "Kitty in the House."

Ken answered the door.

"Crawford will meet Aya by the docks to discuss the ransom for his sister." Nagi said, and walked off as Aya started yelling something about his sister in the background.

At the docks, later.

"GIVE ME BACK MY SISTER!!" Aya yelled.
"We'll give you back your sister if you give us back our toaster." Brad said calmly.
"What? HELL NO! That's a jipped trade!" Aya exclaimed.
"WHAT?! YOU SON OF A BITCH! THIS IS YOUR *SISTER*! YOU CAN GET A FREAKING TOASTER FOR FIVE BUCKS!!!! GO GET YOUR OWN DAMNED TOASTER!!!" Brad yelled.
"No! She's not worth the cost of toast! AND YOU'RE A TOASTER ABUSER, YOU BASTARD!" Aya said.
"... What the HELL are you talking about?!" Brad demanded.
"You're a toaster abuser, bitch!" Aya replied.
"I am not!" Brad exclaimed, he wasn't *THAT* cruel. Hell.. was there ANYONE who was cruel enough to abuse an innocent toaster? Seriously!
"ARE TOO! How about this, I give you the dial of the toaster, and you give me back my sister." Aya said.
"What?! HELL NO! The entire toaster, or no deal!" Brad exclaimed.
"Then no deal!" Aya said simply.

So naturally, since all of Schwarz wanted Brad to shut up about the freaking toaster already, Farfie came out and stole the toaster from Aya.

Meanwhile, Nagi was showing the rest of Weiss a shiny penny. Weiss liked shiny objects, so naturally, the were amazed by the shininess and stuff.
Which was enough of a distraction for Schuldich to walk in through the front door, find the toaster, shove all the silverware into his pocket (hey, they needed the forks, ok?), rig the kitchen with explosives, and then the entire place, make some toast, eat the toast, eat all the food in the refridgerator, get the toaster, and walk past Weiss to the backdoor and leave.

After all this, Nagi "accidentally" dropped the penny under the couch, and slipped out the door in the commotion of Weiss trying to find it.

And then, Schuldich attempted to blow them up, but it didn't work because the dynamite was faulty and stuff.

And the world was happy.

Especially Crawford, who had this toaster back.

"There! NOW I can start my morning!" Brad exclaimed happily, plugging in the toaster, putting some bread in, and then getting a cup of coffee.
".. Um... Dude.. Crawford? It's 10:00. At NIGHT." Schuldich blinked.
"It's never too late to start your morning off right, dear Schuldich." Brad said happily.
".. Dude... you're SCARING me." Schuldich said, as Nagi edged towards the phone, his finger poised over the 5, which would call the local asylum.

And Farfie was currently attacking squirrels out in the yard happily.

And all was well in the world.

END.

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Verie: I um.. would like to apologize for the lack of Farfie. But anyhow... I've always wanted to write a story in which Farfie gets a pet.. perhaps I'll do that next ^_^;