Author's note: I know, shocker me writing an Alexis piece (one that makes her sympathetic to boot. . .) but after seeing the commercial of her reaction and about 15 minutes of today's show (which had me screaming at the tv I might add) I couldn't help myself.  

Blood Drops

I told them that I was wearing red because it was the color of my rage.

That I was wearing the necklaces because it was a reminder.

But that isn't exactly true.

See I know, even if I can't admit it to myself.


If I say I blame Jason, Sonny, Roy, and even Carly I can get through this.

But I know where the blame lies.

I saw it in Ned's eyes, that understanding.

It's my fault that my sister is dead.


If I hadn't let Ned lie.

Hadn't written that letter.

Had made sure it was destroyed, then she'd still be alive.

See I know, it should've been me.


I was the one who worked with and fell in love with Sonny.

I knew of the blood that was on his hands.

I decided to protect my child from it, but I couldn't protect my sister from it.

Hell, I put her in that situation.

If only. . .

But if only and regrets don't count and the only way I can live with myself is to put the blame on others.

Is to hide the truth she wanted to tell.

I try to tell myself that it was selfish of her.

That she wanted to get back at me for what happened between her and Ned. 

That it wasn't my fault that she didn't trust him.

That if Sonny know the truth my child will die too.

I've forced myself to believe that.

I won't think of the possible consequences of that decision now.

Won't think of how it makes me like Carly.

And yet it doesn't.

Because Sonny isn't AJ.

He would love his child unconditionally from the start.

He wouldn't paint its mother in strokes of hate, or let others do that.

I think Carly would even love the child on some weird level.

Do anything to protect it because it was Sonny's.

But he'll never know the truth if I can help it.

Why?
Because I can't let him.

Can't because of the danger--- physically and emotionally.

His life got my sister killed.

He'll never love me, even if he would my child.

So I'll keep it a secrect.

Betray her memory, and her once more.

Because that's what I do.

That's all I know how to do.

And I'll have this child, and raise it.

With Ned.

Both of us wishing for a life with someone else.

Both of us carrying the guilt of her death on our shoulders.

Both of us knowing that the blame lies with me.


And I'll continue to wear the color of rage to hide the blood that stains my body.

Continue to blame others.

Hating myself as I do. . .