Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that part.
Anyhow, happy reading!
----------
"Dude, what do you want to do tonight?"
"I dunno," I replied offhandedly as I flicked a paper football across the table through the goalposts Jay was making with his hands. "Do y' want t' go out or stay in?"
"I dunno," Jay shrugged uncommitingly. He picked up the paper triangle and aimed at me as I held up my fingers like goalposts. "What are Adam and Jeff doing tonight?"
"I dunno. Wanna ask them?"
"Sure," he nodded, flicking the paper. "Are they still here?"
"Yeah, I think Jeff was ready t' leave, but Adam still had t' shower b'fore he was ready t' go t' the hotel."
"So go find Jeff."
"Aren't we demandin'," I grinned and flicked the triangle once more at Jay, catching him offguard and hitting him on the forehead. He blinked in surprise.
"A little high, champ."
I grinned. "Y' think I -"
"Matt?"
I stopped and looked up to Jeff. I could tell from his voice that something was wrong, he sounded on the verge of tears. Looking at him only confirmed my first guess. His normally hazel eyes were a clear blue, typical when he was crying - or about to cry. He bit his lower lip nervously, watching me.
"You ok, Jeff?"
"No."
I cast a quick glance to Jay, who was watching Jeff, surprised. I looked back to Jeff. "Jeff? What's -"
"Can we talk?"
"Absolutely," I nodded, getting to my feet. At the last minute, though, I hesitated. "Jay, I -"
"It's all right," Jay dismissed with a wave of his hand. He smiled halfheartedly. "I'll talk to you later."
I smiled back apologetically, then turned back to Jeff. He was studying his platform boots and chewing on his thumbnail. I realized how long it'd been since I'd seen him do that. One of his many bad habits that I'd given up trying to break him of a long time ago. I stuffed my hands in my jeans pockets and stepped up next to him. "What's up, Jeffro?"
He looked up to me as if he was surprised that I was there, then back to Jay, then started walking away. So I followed. He sighed heavily, then returned his eyes to the ground. "I'm sorry, Matt."
"Sorry for what?"
"I got so wrapped up with Adam that I've been completely ignorin' you."
I raised my eyebrows and looked to the ground, too. "Yeah, I noticed that, too."
"I feel really bad about it, honest."
"It's all right, Jeff. I'm happy for you an' Adam."
"But you're my brother, Matt. I mean, shit, you're my best friend. You've always been there for me, and I jus' kinda took it for granted. Y' put up with so much shit from me an' get nothin' in return. I feel really bad."
I smiled and put a comforting arm over Jeff's shoulder. "Jeff, y' don't need t' -"
Before I could finish my sentence, Jeff turned and grabbed onto me, hugging me. I was surprised, but just put my arms around him, too. His body was shaking - he was crying.
"I broke up with Adam."
I was speechless for a minute, so I just held onto him. What? I thought they were happy. They seemed like they could never get enough of each other. They were practically attatched at the hip. "Why?"
"'Cause I'm scared."
I sighed before continuing. Silly me, I had thought Jeff came back to talk to me, but it was actually still about Adam. But I couldn't help but try to make him feel better. I didn't want to see him like this. "What are y' afraid of?"
"I'm not sure," he answered. His sobs were calming down and he slowly let go of me. Instead of responding, I turned my head slightly to find his glance. He looked at me, sighing. "I'm lost. I spend all my time with Adam. I hardly spend time by myself, much less with anyone else - like you."
"D'ya want t' spend more time by y'self?"
Jeff sighed again, then leaned up on a wall. "I think so."
"D'ya want t' break up with him?"
"I love him."
I stopped. Well, that made things difficult. "Then why'd y' break up with him?"
"I don't know."
"C'mon, Jeff, let's go somewhere we can talk."
He nodded and followed me into the locker room so we could get our things together.
-
It might not have been one of my better ideas, but after checking into the hotel, I let Jeff drive to where ever he wanted to go before we stopped to talk. We drove for a long time in silence, going to God-only-knows-where, Minnesota, before Jeff finally shut off the car. Yes, the middle of nowhere. A gravel road. Probably someone's private property. And here we were.
I looked to Jeff, who was still holding onto the wheel as if he was driving somewhere - even though the car was off. After a minute, he let go of the wheel and opened the door of the car. Ok, so now we were going to walk. Good thing it was summer. Fortunately, it was a short walk - to the back of the car - where he hopped up and sat on the trunk, still silent. Slowly, I climbed up and sat next to him.
"What'd he say when y'... y'know."
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I left him a message."
I hesitated. "A message?"
"Yeah, on his cell phone."
"While y' were still in the same buildin'?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't y' tell him face t' face?"
"He was in the shower."
"Why didn't y' wait?"
"Why're y' givin' me the third degree?"
"Sorry." I leaned back against the rear window. How was I supposed to help him when he was acting like that?
He jumped off the back of the car. "Fine, forget it. Let's go back t' the hotel."
I didn't move. "Jeff."
"No, that's it. We'll go back, I'll leave y' alone."
"Jeff."
"Matt, get off the car an' -"
"Sit the fuck down, Jeff."
That stopped him. He looked at me, jaw gaping, then silently obeyed. He wasn't used to me swearing, it must have surprised him. When he was next to me again, I sat up and spoke.
"Why'd y' do it?"
"I was scared."
"Are y' still scared?"
A pause. "Yes."
"Of what?"
"We're too addicted t' each other. Neither of us can spend any more time apart than we physically have to."
"So tell him that y' want t' spend more time alone."
"When I do that, he... well, he pouts."
"Pouts?"
"It's hard t' explain."
"I've got time."
"He's afraid that I'm goin' t' leave him."
"Are you?"
"I don't think so."
"But you're not certain?"
"I can't make any promises."
"Y' said y' love him."
"I'm still young. I'm not ready t' settle down."
"It's not like you're gettin' married."
Jeff gave me a dirty peripheral look, then looked away to the sky again. "I know."
"Jeff, -"
"It's like, if I want t' hang out with you instead of him, he'll ask, 'When will y' be done? Are y' goin' t' call me?'"
"Well, he -"
"Or s'pose I say I want t' read a book. He'll ask, 'F' how long?' I mean, dammit, I jus' want t' sit an' read a fuckin' book. I don't know f' how long. Or if I try t' read while he's in the room, he'll do this," with that, he turned and stared at me with pouting eyes.
"I'm sure -"
"Then he holds ont' me," Jeff said, demonstrating for effect. "An' starts kissin' me."
"I can see how that could get obnoxious," I said, pushing out of Jeff's grip. A couple years ago, I would have killed to be in that situation, I remembered with a sigh. I felt a twinge of guilt after thinking how it was better than him than me.
"That's not even the half of it," Jeff said, leaning back against the car window now.
"How's that?"
"I think that I like him so much that I'm changin' my personality t' better fit his."
"I don't understand."
"We go t' bars all the time anymore."
"So tell him y' don't like bars."
"Well, it's not his fault. I mean, there's not much else t' do. It's not like he's always drinkin'. I jus' don't like the atmosphere."
"Jay an' I seem t' find plenty of things t' do besides go t' a bar."
"Yeah, I know, but -" Jeff stopped and looked at me, confused. "Speakin' of you an' Jay, what's goin' on there?"
"What do y' mean?"
"Y' spend an awful lot of time with him lately."
"Who am I s'posed t' spend time with?" I shot back, defensively.
Jeff shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips. "I don't know. It's jus' that every time I see y' two anymore -"
"I thought we were talkin' about you."
Jeff sighed and looked away. "Oh, yeah."
"Y' want advice?"
"I'm not askin' for any, but if y' have some... I'll take it."
"Tell Adam y' need some time f' y'self. Tell him that y' still love him, but the twentyfour/seven thin' isn't workin'."
"He'll think that I don't love him."
"Keep repeatin' that y' do."
"He might cry."
"He'll get over it. Tell him that he can have, like, every other day or somethin'. And be specific. Say, 'I'll see y' on Friday, but Saturday I'm goin' t' hang out with Matt. Then Sunday I'm goin' t' spend the day by myself. An' I'll talk t' you again on Monday.'"
There was a pause. "I'll do it."
"Good."
"An' I'll be happier."
"Good."
Another pause. "I am really sorry, Matt."
"It's ok."
"I do miss you."
"I know."
With that, Jeff hugged me again. I held onto him, trying to comfort him as much as I could. He took a couple of deep breaths, then let me go again. "Now what?"
"Y' need t' talk t' Adam."
"Oh, shit. I guess I do."
"Yup."
"Thanks f' helpin' me."
"No problem."
"I don't deserve a brother like you," he said, half smiling, as he jumped off the car.
"Maybe not, but y' sure as hell need one."
He looked up at me with a slight grin. "I know. An' I appreciate it."
I grinned back.
"Wanna do somethin' t'morrow night?" he asked, digging the car keys out of his pocket.
"What'dja have in mind?"
"I dunno. We can jus' kinda wing it, like we used to."
I smiled as he unlocked my door. "I was plannin' on findin' a gym in the next town, an' -"
"I'll go with you," he cut me off eagerly. I smiled at his excitement. "Can I?"
"Absolutely."
"Cool." With that, he started the car and we headed back.
-
I was surprised to find that Jeff actually knew where he'd gone and got us safely back to the hotel. That surprise was overshadowed by the surprise we found at the door of our hotel room. Adam was sitting next to our door, forearms resting on his knees, loosely holding a cell phone. It didn't take me long to guess why. He raised his eyes to us, slowly, as we approached. Try as I might, I couldn't hold back a slight frown. Addicted, just as Jeff had explained. Looking to my brother, I found Jeff had met Adam's glance, too, but he showed no emotion. I went between them, into the room, grabbed my travelbag, and back out into the hall. They were still watching each other, sheepishly. Jeff was scratching the back of his head.
"Can I have y' room key, Adam?"
He held it up to me without taking his eyes off Jeff. "368."
"Jeff?"
"Yeah?" He looked over to me, distractedly.
"I'll see y' t'morrow mornin'," I said, stoppingly. "Y' ok?"
"Yeah, Matt, thanks. Thanks for everythin'."
"Anytime. 'Night, Jeffro."
"'Night," he repeated distractedly as he looked back to Adam. I took that as my cue to leave and headed down the hall to Jay's room. The lights were out, so I tried to stay relatively quiet. It was kind of late, I bet Jay was asleep. I ducked into the bathroom, set down my bag, and started to brush my teeth. Well, tonight hadn't turned out at all like I expected, I thought with a sigh, stripping down to my boxers. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. I shut off the bathroom light as I left and tried to figure out which bed Jay was sleeping in through the darkness. Running my hand along the bottom of the nearest bed, I didn't feel any feet. Of course, Jay was kind of short.
"Why'd he do it?" A voice called from the other bed.
"Uh, this is Matt."
"I know," Jay assured me, then repeated. "Why'd he do it?"
I smiled to myself and laid down on the near bed, ready for sleep. "It's kinda a long story."
"I figured it would be."
"How did Adam take it?"
"Badly."
"I would think so."
"Are they really done?"
"No," I sighed, pulling the stiff hotel blankets up over my shoulders. "Jeff was jus' havin' a panic attack, I think."
"Huh."
"Yup."
"'Night, Matt."
"'Night, Jay."