I jumped as Jay snapped his fingers in my face.
"Sorry, must have been daydreamin'."
"I could tell," Jay smiled and sat next to me in the near-empty arena hall. "What were you thinking about, so intently?"
"Really wanna know?" I asked, raising a brow that was intended to tell him that he didn't. He just shrugged, so I sighed and admitted, "Jeff."
"Oh," he frowned slightly and looked away. "How was the gym Sunday?"
"Fine," I shrugged. "We had a good time, like we used to."
"Then what's wrong?" he pressed, examining his hands as if to feign disinterest.
"Haven't done anythin' with him since."
Of course, Jay already knew that. "Oh."
"Didja hang out with Adam on Sunday?"
"If you call sitting around in silence and watching T.V. hanging out, yeah, we did."
"Sorry, man."
"Not your fault. We just don't have as much to talk about as we used to. He mostly talked about Jeff. That or suggesting we go work out. For obvious reasons."
"Oh, I didn't -"
"Hey, forget about it. Want to go to a bar tonight?"
"What?"
"A bar. Tavern, pub. Get alcohol."
"I don't really drink much."
"That's ok, someone'll have to drive me home after I get hammered."
"Jay? Are y' ok?"
"I will be, let's go."
-
And that's how I ended up in a booth across from Jay at some posh bar with seven dollar blended drinks. After examining the menu, confused, I ordered a glass of water. I don't know what Jay ordered. I don't think I wanted to know. It was an ugly brown liquid on ice and he grimaced as he drank it. Could have been a number of things.
"Y' don't like that?"
"I love it," he corrected, raising his glass and finishing off the first one in the third drink. Grimacing again.
"Oh." I drummed my fingers on my glass of water, waiting for Jay to explain himself in any way, shape, or form. Nothing but a beckon to the waitress from him. There was a cross between top forty and easy listening music playing a little too loudly, obnoxiously forced 'relaxed' decor, and too much smoke for my taste, but Jay didn't seem to notice any of these things. "Y' ok, Jay?"
"Getting there," he answered, remaining ambiguous.
"Oh," I said, confused still. And we waited. Jay thoroughly examined his fingernails, fidgeting. I don't think I've ever seen him fidget before. I watched him with an amused smile. His hair was pulled back tight enough to give me a headache and his blue eyes flitted from his hands to the bar and back again as he waited impatiently. You know, that's a really nice shade of blue. He had a look of cool contentment that was surprisingly appealing.
Matt, stop it. Jay doesn't swing.
Does he?
There was the time that he was reading the articles in Maxim...
And how he was resolute in the fact that Adam didn't dance...
No, no, forget it. Impossible. And there was a very good chance that he didn't know that I did. He most definitely didn't know that I had liked Adam... right? Those blue eyes now jumped up to me and saw what must have been a confused look.
"What?"
"I didn't say anythin'."
Jay shrugged, then smiled up at the waitress as she brought him another glass of whatever it was that he'd been drinking. He asked for another right away this time.
"Jay -"
"You know what it is?"
"No," I answered, surprised.
"He's lying."
"Who's lyin'?"
"Jeff."
I sighed. "No, it's not -"
"Yeah, that's it," Jay concluded, ignoring me. "He said he wanted to spend more time with you, right?"
"Yeah, but..."
"So he lied. And Adam's not really that bad."
"What?"
"Adam's not that bad. If Jeff would have told Adam what he told you, everything would be exactly like it is now. But it would have saved you a lot of grief."
I started to defend Jeff. "Y' said y'self that y' couldn't talk t' Adam without him talkin' about Jeff."
"Yeah, 'cause Jeff had just broken up with him for no reason. He was confused. I can talk to him any other time and he's normal."
"So it's all Jeff's fault?" I was starting to get irritated.
"No," Jay amended, quickly. "That's no one's fault. I just don't like what Jeff's doing to you."
I started to speak but hesitated. "T' me?"
"Yeah, it's really annoying to see him jerking you around like that."
I once again failed in my attempts to speak.
"Has he always treated you like that?"
"Yeah, he - ...what?"
Jay was talking to fast for me, jumping topics like it was his job. "It's like he's just testing to make sure you'll still be there if he needs you. That's not a friend. A friend's someone who'll sit there and watch their favorite team lose to your favorite team."
I looked up quickly, surprised, and found Jay's face suddenly buried in his glass. He finished this one in one drink. "Jay?"
He set the tumbler down then slowly raised his eyes to mine. "What?"
I blinked.
"I don't know," I shook my head and took a drink of water, very confused.
Jay looked back down to his now empty glass and started swirling the ice in the bottom with the straw he hadn't been using. What was that? Was he bothered by my hanging out with Jeff on Sunday? Why did he care so much? Not to say that I'm not touched by his concern, but where did his concerns lie?
No, he couldn't be... interested in me. Could he?
I looked down to my glass of water. How had I not noticed before that I liked Jay? He was great - funny, intelligent, attractive... Damn. I didn't need another letdown right now. This run-around from Jeff was wearing me down mentally and the last thing I needed was to split my attention between two guys who I couldn't have how I wanted. Jeff, as a brother, and Jay, as a...
Don't even say it, Matt, you're setting yourself up for a letdown...
"What are you thinking about?"
I looked up at Jay, suddenly, realizing that I had now been examining my fingernails and fidgeting. I could feel myself blushing as Jay's clear blue eyes examined my face.
"Here, sir. Would you like another?"
Ah, saved by the waitress.
"No, thanks," Jay smiled up at the waitress. She was a cute brunette with tired hazel eyes and her hair pulled back in a loose bun. See? He was smiling at her. Probably checking her out, too. Forget it, Matt.
Why could I not forget it?
Because of the way Jay and I both turned from her at the exact same time and I was once again confronted by his amused little smirk? That could be it.
"Are you all right?" Jay asked, almost laughing.
I blushed again. "Yeah, why?"
"You look like you're trying to figure your bill."
I looked down to my water, surprised, then up at Jay, who was smirking. "Funny, you're the one who's tryin' t' drink away somethin'."
Jay's smile dropped quickly. That's what I get for talking before I think.
"Trying to say something?" he asked, flatly.
I sighed. "What's wrong, Jay?"
He lifted the new glass to his mouth, but changed his mind at the last minute and sighed. "I've just been thinking a lot lately."
"About...?"
"Mm nn hm..." he mumbled into his glass, taking a short drink now.
"Jay?"
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
"Then why'd y' drag me out here?"
Jay looked up at me, almost hurt. "You don't want to be here with me?"
"I didn't say that," I put a hand to my forehead, the confusion giving me a headache. "I jus' want t' know what's wrong. Is it somethin' with Jeff an' Adam?"
"Fuck Jeff and Adam."
"I'll take that as a no."
"Nevermind," Jay sighed, "let's go back to the hotel."
"Jay, I want t' help -"
"I'm sorry, Matt, I made a mistake. I shouldn't have -" he stopped abruptly, blushing.
It was the blushing that gave it away. As it dawned on me, I felt myself start to smile, but I quickly hid it as he lifted his eyes and examined my own through his eyelashes. "Shouldn't have what?"
"Let's just go back."
I shrugged. "If y' insist."
He beckoned for the waitress then I watched him nurse down the last drink in silence. This was probably cruel, not letting him know what I knew. But it would make it that much sweeter when I shared. I started humming a song under my breath. Jay looked up at me, suspiciously.
"What's that?"
"What's what?" I asked, still trying my best to match my earlier blank looks.
"That song."
"Hail, Hail."
"Hail, Hail?"
"Yeah, Pearl Jam."
"Oh," Jay muttered, looking back to his drink. The lyric for the line stuck in my head, of course, was 'And then I get to thinking... I don't want to think, I want to feel.' I took advantage of this quick opportunity of Jay's distraction and grinned. The waitress approached and I turned my smile to her, offering to pay the bill. She looked to Jay, confused for a moment, but I assured her give me the bill, despite Jay's protests.
"You didn't drink anything, Matt."
"S'ok," I said, sliding a bill in the black book and handing it back to the waitress before she even left. Jay watched me, confused, one last protest falling silent. I got up and dropped my hands into my pockets. "Come on, let's go."
"What are you doing?" Jay asked, not moving and still sounding suspicious.
"What d'y' mean? I thought y' wanted t' go."
"A minute ago I thought you were pissed. Now you're paying for my drinks."
"I'm not pissed," I smiled. "Let's go back."
Not taking his eyes off me, he watched me warily as he grabbed his black leather jacket and followed me.
"I don't get you," Jay announced as soon as we stepped outside.
"No?"
"No."
"Do y' want to?"
Jay stopped in his tracks, but I just kept walking to my car, grinning at no one. After a second, I heard Jay's footsteps at a quickened pace and he caught up to me. I dropped the grin into a smirk and looked at him from the corner of my eye. "What does that mean?"
"What are y' so afraid of?"
"I don't kn-," Jay started, honestly, but stopped himself. "I'm not afraid."
"Oh." I unlocked the car doors and we got in.
"What do you mean, 'what am I so afraid of?'"
"Y' just sound awfully suspicious f' not bein' afraid," I answered flippantly, setting the keys in the ignition.
"What am I supposed to be afraid of?"
I turned to Jay and looked him over in the orange tinted mercury light. I could still see the bright blue shade of his eyes, as they were watching me, slightly paranoid. Now, I decided.
Now, I re-commanded my hand. Go. Move. Great, who was afraid now? What if I was wrong? What if Jay didn't like men? What if Jay didn't like me? It'd taken me this long to find a friend like Jay, and I could kill it with one quick kiss. Was it worth it? But if he felt the same...
Ah, fuck it. All or nothing. With Jay still watching me, I set my hand on his face, closed my eyes, and kissed him.
Well, I can say he wasn't expecting it. He hesitated for a short second before realizing what was going on. Of course, once he got his bearings, he kissed me better than I'd ever been kissed in my life. For once, a gamble that had paid off. It almost hurt when he let go of my face afterwards. I blinked my eyes open and found Jay blushing - but smiling softly. And then he was examining his hands again. "Jay?"
"You're a rat bastard."
I blinked in surprise. "What?"
"You did that on purpose."
"Did what?"
"When did you figure out that I was going to tell you tonight?" He looked up to me sideways, and I saw a smile forming. So I smiled, too.
"I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"You were purposely trying to drive me crazy," he informed me, matter of factly.
I smirked. "Maybe."
"You're a rat bastard."
I turned back to the ignition and turned on the car, still smirking. "Maybe."
I reached for the automatic transmission on the floor and shifted into drive. Before I could get my hand back to the wheel, however, Jay seemed to have claimed it for himself. I looked to him, surprised, but he just smiled and set his fingers between mine.
That's fine, I'll just drive back one handed tonight.
Hail, hail the lucky ones, I refer to the ones in love...