Phantom Feelings

Chapter 5

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~***************~

Hikou teased with his words, twisting them around until he thought it had been him after all, that night he fell from the ledge.  Maybe he'd been there, somehow, near that cave, and his mind had only conjured the rest:  his transparent form, and the way he'd seemed to float in the air as he was dragged into the cave.

And the way he'd kissed him?

Damn, had that been real, or a dream?  Had any of it been real at all?

Kouji held Hikou's hand as he led him around the stronghold.  The older man's hand nestled in his…so warm and sending shivers of awareness up his arm and straight to his libido.  Especially the way he kept occasionally moving his fingers, just slightly.  Enough to gently rake a nail across his palm, or rub his forefinger along the side of one of his own, or twist his palm back and forth over his.  The bandit had never dreamed holding hands could be so erotic.

He didn't want this.  Even if he had kissed Hikou in the cave, he'd been delirious, only semi-conscious.  It hadn't meant a damn thing.  Kouji didn't want to want the older man.  And he damned well didn't deserve for him to want him.

But he did.  And Hikou was doing precious little to hide it.

"Your occupation is very interesting, Kouji."

"Arigatou, I think."

Hikou used his free hand to reach over and brush aside a low-hanging branch from their path.  The motion looked so smooth to the bandit, and arousing.  He couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to feel.

"Do you venture alone out here?"

"Usually."  He swallowed hard, willing for the older man to drop the subject.

Hikou's brow drew together.  "Sounds like it's a rule you've made.  The question would be why?"  His fingers tightened on Kouji's, and he turned to look at him, to scrutinize his face intensely.  "I see in your eyes that the subject pains you."

"I don't discuss it," he said, but it didn't carry the none-of-your-damned-business tone he'd intended.

"Kouji, you can discuss it with me, you know."

"No, I don't know.  I'm not even sure I want to."  Hikou's eyelids suddenly fell, and the bandit knew he'd hurt him somehow.  "Tell me, Hikou, why it is you think I'd be comfortable sharing confidences with a stranger?  Tell me that if you can."

"I would if I could," he whispered.  And then his chin lowered to his chest.

Kouji couldn't help himself.  He was compelled to hook a finger beneath that chin, to lift it until he looked into his eyes again.  "Tell me…tell me something, Hikou."

"Look at me with your heart, Kouji, and not just your eyes.  Your heart will tell you all you need to know.  We're not strangers, you and I."

Damn.  The tone of his voice, the look in his eyes… he was damned if he wasn't believing him.  He was so familiar, and he had been all along.  Narrowing his eyes on Hikou's face, he whispered, "Who are you, Hikou?  What is it you want from me?"

"It's not so much I'm wanting, Kouji.  Only your heart."

He said it with a little smile, as if he were making a joke.  But Kouji believed every word.  He caught the older man's other hand in his, so he held them both now, firmly, in his own.  "Don't pin anything on my heart, Hikou.  There's no more feeling left there.  You understand?"

"Hai, Kouji.  I understand."

"Good."

"Demo, I only have three days to spend in your world and I intend to savor them."

In your world?  What the hell…

No time to analyze it now, Hikou had whirled around and was walking away.  Kouji had to rush after him as he meandered down the path that led away from the stronghold, his long hair picked up by a slight breeze.  Down the sloped path that led to the stony cliffs, Kouji trailing after him.

"Dammit, Hikou, ya just can't take off like that."

The older man tossed a taunting smile over his shoulder.  "And you don't have to follow me."  He chuckled as he continued walking.

Kouji lips twitched and pulled at the corners.  The anger he tried to cling to melted like butter at the sound of his laughter, and in a moment, he was smiling fully.  "Glad to know you're finding this amusing."  Hikou stopped and turned around, meeting his eyes, and Kouji froze there as both of their smiles slowly died.

"I love it when you smile," the older man told him.  "You don't do it very often, you know."

He was beautiful, this way.  The wind and sunlight playing tag in his long midnight hair.  The light dancing in his black eyes.  The wonder.  And still, that longing.  He intended to turn back, but Hikou moved close beside him, covering his hands with his own.

"Just a short walk, Kouji, onegai.  We won't venture out far."

"I-"

The bandit broke off, because there was something in the older man's eyes that made it impossible to refuse him.  "All right, a short hike.  And then we're heading back, got it?"

He nodded.  But those hot, heavy-lidded eyes never left his.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

The pair settled down for a rest before they would return to the stronghold.  Hikou sat still closer to the bandit.  His hip touched him, and his thigh and his knee and his shin.  His shoulder.  And as the younger man sighed, Hikou lowered his head to rest it on his shoulder, and Kouji's heart skipped a beat.

We're not strangers, you and I.

No, they were not strangers.  Not when he felt this…connected to him, this drawn.  The questions remained.  But Kouji let them fall by the wayside as he relaxed beside Hikou, just a little.  Let himself enjoy their nearness.  Felt a light entering his soul.  And then he went utterly stiff.

Hikou saw the look of wonder in the bandit's eyes.  "You look as if you've seen a ghost."

"It's nothing.  I'm just getting a feeling a déjà vu, that's all."

Hikou blinked in surprise, and then bit his lip.  Suzaku, but he'd let himself get carried away in the moment.  Let the touch of the wind and the feel of the man beside him overwhelm his common sense.  He wondered for a moment, if he'd pushed the limits of the rules too far.  He closed his eyes, braced himself and waited.  But he didn't die as the seconds passed, and could only breathe a sigh of relief and whisper a prayer of thanks.

"That night…the night of my accident…"

"Oh?  You had an accident?"  Hikou averted his eyes as Kouji's probed and sought.

"You know perfectly well that I did.  You were there.  You…I kissed you."  He shook his head as if trying to shake water from his hair.  "But I thought it was just a dream."

"Perhaps it was, Kouji.  And perhaps it wasn't.  And perhaps you ought to kiss me again.  Just in case."

Kouji looked at him, and the older man watched, as his gaze dipped to his lips as if against his will before he turned away.  He stood abruptly, his movement harsh and quick.  He was angry.  Hikou thought miserably that he couldn't seem to anything right. 

Kouji then knelt in front of him, gripped his shoulders, and bored holes into his eyes with his probing stare.  "I have to know what really happened that night."

"And I'll tell you.  When my three days are up.  It will no longer matter then, and I'll tell you everything, Kouji."  He lifted a hand to his face, stroked his wild hair back, away from his forehead.  "Until then, can't you just enjoy my company, as I'm enjoying yours?"

Kouji continued staring, but the anger faded.  Something else replaced it in his green eyes.  His hands on the older man's shoulders kneaded, and his gaze focused once again on his lips.  Hikou ran his tongue over them, hoping what he saw what he thought he saw in the bandit's eyes.  Lust wasn't love, but it was a start.  Kouji leaned forward.  Closer, so slowly it was as if he were being pulled there involuntarily.  His lips hovered a hair's-breadth from the older man's.  And then there came the shrill cry of a bird in the distance, and Kouji's hands fell away, his eyes widening in something like panic.

"Kuso!"  He scrambled to his feet and started walking the path back to the bandits' base.

"I'm not ready to go back yet, Kouji."

"Then you're a fucking baka."

The older man winced at his words, but felt something dark and hurtful lingering beneath them.

"We need to start heading back anyways, before the others start to worry," he added in a much gentler tone, sending a glance over his shoulder at Hikou.  "Besides, you have no idea what can happen out here, how suddenly a pleasurable walk can turn into disaster."

Hikou tilted his head, narrowed his eyes.  "But you do."

"Yeah.  I sure as hell do."